Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

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-What are you, on crack?! and may contain mature subject matter.

How could you think we have different dads?

-It explains so much!

Like why we don't look related,

why we're into vastly different things,

why mom never talked about him... ever.

-Yes, she did!

She said he was a deadbeat drunk who finished after two thrusts.

-Oh right. God, she shared way too much when she drank.

-I can't believe you don't think we're real brothers!

-Uh, that's not what different dads means!

-Whatever, man! Quit distracting me.

I'm trying to drive here, okay!

(bang)

I hit something, didn't I? -Totally hit a guy.

-See what happens when you distract me?

(beeping, bang)

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

(growling)

-Where'd you put the reusable shopping bags?

Danika keeps bugging us to use them.

"Just because it's the apocalypse,

it doesn't mean we can't be ecoconscious."

Ugh, shoot me now!

(coughing)

-Give this to General Hecks...

Mutation cure... Please...

-He's still alive?!

I guess we better help the poor guy.

Dude, can we drop you somewhere?

(mumbling)

You don't have to kill the poor guy, you psycho!

-Don't call me a psycho. I'm putting him out of his misery.

-Have a heart, will you? He can totally bounce back.

Okay, maybe not...

What is that? Let me see it.

Here. You keep this. I'll keep the necklace.

I need some bling other than my look.

-He said something about this thing curing mutations.

-Really? 'Cause it didn't do shit for him.

-He said to give it to a... General Hecks.

-I don't know who that is.

But we went halfsies and there's no going back on halfsies.

Them's the rules.

-Rafe, stop and think for once in your life!

Do you know how valuable a mutation cure could be?

-Dude, he was trying to bribe you

so you wouldn't put him out of his misery, a.k.a. murder him.

-Give it back or so help me, I'll...

-Get over yourself, Gabe!

There's no cure for mutations, okay?

Stop having delusions of granules.

-Grandeur. And I'm not.

-Whatever, man! I'm keeping this.

If you don't like it, you can suck it.

-Suck a... (gibberish)

(screaming)

-Ow!

You drew first blood! Ah!

I hope that knocked some sense into you!

I'm gonna go scavenging.

You can join me once you stop being a limp-dick man-baby.

(groaning)

(barking)

-Gabe, how you doing? Ouch! Not good by the looks of it.

I bet I should see the other guy.

-Rafe's the other guy and he's fine. What happened to you?

-Got into a sticky situation, so I had to fake my own death.

Again. Car explosion. Works every time.

Hey, did you happen to see a guy here? A mutant?

I was supposed to meet him.

-Er... Um... No..?

-Dammit! Well, I better scoot! -Um, need a ride?

-Matter of fact, I do.

-Gabe, wait! I forgot the reusable bags!

-This is so cool! Hanging with Mr. Cobretti!

-Call me... Johndoe.

-Of course. Sorry.

Um, so... What were you meeting that guy for?

-Well, kid, I could tell you. But then, I'd have to kill you.

-What?! -I'm kidding.

But it's, uh, classified. -Oh... I see.

-Turn here. It's like we're a team!

What should we call ourselves? A combination of our names?

"The Burn-brettis" or "The Gaydoes"?

-Sure!

And we'll get jackets with the name stitched across the back.

-Really? -No, I'm screwing with you.

Cool team jackets will get you killed out here.

Wastelanders are real dicks about stuff like that.

(screeching)

-Wow!

(thunder)

-Thanks for the ride, kid!

And I hope you and Rafe patch things up.

-Ah, screw him! -Fair enough.

You can head out now.

You don't want to be anywhere near this place. Ciao!

-Oh!

-There's my big guy! How was the supply run?

To hell with the pleasantries,

give me my toe socks and personal lubricant, dammit.

-I don't have anything!

(sobbing)

-You okay, Rafe?

-Sorry. I just... Gabe's being weird.

He's not making any sense. Like a non-slutty Halloween costume.

-Oh! Let Auntie Suzette buy you a drink?

-Give me a break.

One drink and you'll have your hand down my pants.

-I just meant so we could talk.

-Every time we talk, you touch me inappropriately.

Which I don't really mind, but you're married!

-Hands to myself. Promise.

-I don't know.

I'm not really comfortable talking about my feelings and...

(He burst into tears.)

-Shit! We need to get to booze in you STAT! Come on, baby.

-You know you want to go in.

-But... Who are you?

-"But... Who are you?"

I am the one whose going to get your Popop back.

Or the next best thing.

-But Johndoe said I shouldn't be anywhere near this place.

-Oh right, I forgot you're a limp-dick man-baby.

Well, just scuttle off home

and never find out if that thing can cure mutations.

-Hey! Screw you! Can a limp-dick man-baby do this?

-I can't believe I'm that guy's subconscious.

-Ah! Sorry! Just looking for a place to, uh, peepee!

Ah!

(screaming)

(growling)

(shrieking, screaming)

(screaming, shrieking)

-Can I help you?

(gasping)

I'm General Aloysius Hecks, and this is my son, Boyd.

(shrieking)

Shhh, shhh, shhh, it's going to be fine, son.

Daddy and Johndoe are doing everything we can

for my best boy.

(shrieking)

Yes. Yes, I'll get you the orange juice too.

-General Hecks, I'm Gabe. Gabe Burns.

Sorry to barge in like this. I shouldn't be here.

I'll just get out of your way.

-You seem lost, son. Let me show you the way.

-Okay. This is better.

(screaming)

-He called me an empty-headed ass clown! And a circus peanut!

I don't know what "circus peanut" means.

Guess I'm too much of an empty-headed ass clown to know.

-Hum... -It just makes me so...

so... so...

I don't know,

like I want to smash something and cry at the same time,

like a super-strong baby.

-That necklace really brings out the fire in your eyes.

-Thanks, and thanks for explaining

how half-brothers are still brothers.

-No problem, sugar. You sure you get it.

-Yeah, the puppet show you put on

really crystallized it for me.

If these two have sex with this one,

their children will be half-brothers.

-General Hecks, sir.

(grunt)

-Give me one good reason not to put a bullet

through your damn skull, Cobretti.

-Please, don't. It's the only skull I've got.

-Where is the package?

-Funny story. I don't have it because your guy didn't show up.

-That's not a funny story.

-I know, 'cause it ends with someone pointing a gun at me.

But there's a surprise twist.

-If it's you faking your own death, don't bother.

-Aw...

-So, what do you know about this Gabe Burns kid?

-He's here? -In my office.

-Ah, man, I told him to "amscra".

Kids these days, they don't listen!

-Or they don't know Pig Latin.

-Sure they do! Everyone knows Pig Latin.

-They do not! That's from when we were kids!

It died with the grunge rock.

-Well, anyway, General, Gabe's a nice guy.

But not our kind of guy.

You should just let him go.

-Um... We'll see.

Is he in any relation to the Burns woman in the bunker?

-I don't think so. Who knows? I don't know.

How would I know? Don't ask me, I wouldn't know.

What?

-You're a strange man, Cobretti.

(sighing)

(speaking Pig Latin.)

It's Pig Latin for that was close!

Stupid millennial!

Don't they teach you kids anything in school?

-So, what brings you here so deep in the wasteland?

-I guess the wind just kind of blew me this way.

It's weird, I know.

-Weird is kind of the way of the world now, isn't it son?

-Yeah. Weird world indeed. Did you call me son?

-Ha! Ha Ha! Just a turn of phrase.

I've been waiting for someone like you:

a young buck to mould in my image and assist in my mission.

-Me? Really?

-Put it this way.

I haven't met anyone as promising as you

since the guys we hired to pull off 9/11.

-What's a 9/11?

-I like you!

But listen, this job requires unquestioning loyalty;

someone who's willing to stop anyone who gets in our way.

-You can count on me! Ouch!

Quite a grip you have there, sir!

-I'll never forgive myself

for calling him a limp-dick man-baby.

I really should have pulled down his pants

and laughed at his ding-dong.

-Pulling down a man's pants is always a good idea.

Sorry. Force of habit. Go on.

-Why are you always hitting on me if you're married?

That's not really fair to Johnny.

-Oh yeah?

Well, before I mutated,

Johnny was tapping side-ass all over town!

No one told him it wasn't fair to me!

-I didn't know that. Sorry.

-When it's a guy, everyone's all "yeah",

but when it's a woman, everyone's all "no".

Women have desires too, you know.

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-So, what exactly is your mission, sir?

-Well, that's on a need-to-know basis.

So listen carefully!

It all started when the world ended.

It was the very first exchange with an alien culture.

We were trading Area 51 crash survivors

for some human abductees.

-USA! USA! USA! USA!

Wooh!

-Two advanced beings in exchange for a pair of drunken hayseeds.

Not a good trade. But historic!

And when the alien's ship took off...

(screams of terror)

(screams of terror)

-Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no!

(shrieking)

(growling)

-... I escaped with a barely noticeable skin mutation.

-So... Aliens caused the apocalypse?!

-That's right. Here, taste this, son. It's my specialty.

-Mmm. Is this Chinese?

-I didn't ask what country the prisoners were from

when I threw them into the pot.

In any case,

the aliens left behind examples of their technology,

which were scattered hither and yon in the blast.

-Hey, that looks just like...

-You are exactly what I was looking for.

-I feel the same way.

-This is the piece Johndoe was supposed to bring back!

But his contact didn't show up.

When assembled properly,

this is a machine capable of curing any mutation...

even my boy Boyd's.

My mission is to build that machine.

-But you need one more piece?

-Exactly. Now, how about some target practice?

-General, sir. I know where the last piece is.

-(Rafe): Ah!

All right! Almost there.

-What's almost there? You just keep poking the starting gate.

(moaning weirdly)

-How about now? -That's not it!

-Seriously? Are you sure?

-Yes, Rafe, I'm pretty sure I know the location

of the mystical tunnel from which all life emanates

because I visit it with my hand twice a week.

-Right! Of course. Sorry. Twice, really?

-Is this like your first time? -No. It totally isn't!

I've done sex on hundred of women and they all loved it!

Oh, I can't lie to you.

Technically, this is my second time.

My first time was all scaly, slimy and fishy

and not because she was a mutated river trout.

It was 'cause I don't shower much.

-I noticed.

-Um... So, how was the foreplay? Did I do that okay?

-Ew! It was fine right up until you asked!

-Just fine? -It was fine, Rafe.

-Like "good fine" or "bad fine"?

-I'm still here, aren't I?

What are you doing?

-And I'm in!

Oh, man, that's nice! Really nice.

Oh, it's like... like being welcome into a realm of pleasure

I never knew existed.

-Dude, that's my belly button.

-The schematics detailing exactly

how to configure the alien detritus are hidden inside

the AENUS of this area's government Super bunker.

-Bunker?

-Fire!

Oh, oh! Great shooting, kid.

Once I cure my son and myself,

we're going to cleanse this world of mutants.

-Ah...

-Now, go get me that last piece of the machine.

-Er, what do you mean by "cleanse"?

-I meant we'll get rid of all the mutants.

-Okay, but by curing them? Or...

-Don't sweat the details. You got this.

(laughing)

-Why are all of those thoughts that were flying around my head

suddenly gone?

Why can I see everything so clearly now?

Why do I have a newfound focus and understanding?

-Hush now, honey. That's just the afterglow.

-But I know what I have to do now.

-That's a lot of epiphanies from just 58 seconds of rumpy-pumpy.

Where are you...

-Focus, Suzette.

I have to go find Gabe and make things right between us.

-Christ!

Even virgins run out on you once they've dropped their load!

-General? I'm heading out. I'll be back with your...

-Son, you are my reason for living.

I swear I'll fix you very soon.

As long as that needy twerp makes good on his promise.

-He... spot infi...

-Infiltrate. Come on, sound it out!

-Infiltrate the ene... meneme...

-Enemy compound.

All right, enough reading. Reading's for freaking dorks.

Let's strip and rebuild this AK-47.

-All right! -Ah, love that hustle!

That's why you're my favourite!

(shrieking)

-Yes! Orange juice. I heard you the first time.

(crying)

-What's with the sissy little baby tears, big guy?

-Why am I always second best?

-It was more of a rhetorical question.

-I thought things would be different this time.

I thought finally I'd found a place where I was important.

-Oh boy, where's a car to blow up when you need it?

-Turns out I'm just Gabe Burns, the poor man's Rafe,

Batman's Robin, Eric Roberts to Julia Roberts.

America to Canada.

(gun clicking)

-Dammit!

-Well, maybe if I get that last piece the General needs,

he'll see me for who I am.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on, kid.

This is not a world you want to be part of.

You're in way over your head.

Like a drowning man, except not nearly as quiet.

Get out of here, Gabe, for your own good.

And for what it's worth, you are important. To St. Zephyr.

So go back there and forget about General Hecks.

-Ah! But! But!

-Save yourself while you still can.

-Wait! Can I use the bathroom? I still need to peepee!

-Nice shooting!

-Rafe? You came back for me?

-Look at all these reusable bags.

What?

(groaning)

-Good work, son.

-Give me that necklace! -What? I don't have a necklace.

-He's lying. I bet he's hiding it in here.

If he won't hand it over, just kill him and take it.

-Shut up!

-I didn't say anything.

-I'm not talking to you!

-Gabe, this is your chance!

Bring the general that piece of the machine

and you'll be number one!

You'll be important!

And you'll make Rafe look like a pile of garbage in comparison.

-That's a hell of a big gun, Gabe.

And I thought you were just happy to see me.

-See? He's a moron! And he smells.

Put him out of your misery and take your destiny, Gabriel!

-He's my brother! I can't. -Of course, you can't!

You're pathetic. Nothing but a limp-dick man-baby.

-Shut up!

Rafe! No!

(yelling): No!

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.