Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain mat(motor whirring)er.

-Aren't we supposed to be scavenging?

Where are you going? -It's a surprise.

-Please, no. I hate surprises.

You turn over a rock out here and surprise!

Something tries to gouge your eyes out

or use your intestines as banjo strings.

-This is way better than that.

-So, what is it?

Is it something good?

I guess you wouldn't call it a surprise if it was bad, huh?

Gah! Now I need to know. Come on! Just tell me!

-I'll give you 20 questions and go!

-Ooh, okay! Is it...

-I signed us up to be gladiators!

(grunt)

Last man standing wins a whole shipping container full of food!

-Really? So I could just stab you and get this over with?

No, dummy! We're a team!

Get ready for some fun!

-This does not seem like fun!

-Really? Sure it does!

Look at the smile on that guy's face.

(apocalyptic music)

♪

(growling)

-Why would you bring me to this?

It's my two least favourite things:

contact sports and sharp objects!

-Come on, bro! Chances are, I'll never get to wrestle

in front of an audience, so this is the next best thing!

Just give it a chance, will you?

-A chance to what?

Get murdered for the amusement of the one guy bored enough

to be watching this horror show?

(clapping) Ooh Ooh!

-Or do you mean a chance to get splattered by

all kinds of bodily fluids?

(grunts) I don't know what's worse?

Being brutally slaughtered by these scumbags or...

(yelling): Would you leave me alone?

Or dying from a horrible virus

because I got someone's tainted blood in my eye!

What?

Huh?

-Ooh! Ooh! -Nice work, fellas.

You really gave them their money's worth.

I'm Maxine. I run this operation.

-Nice to meet you. Where do we pick up the supply?

-Oh, you don't get those until you win.

-Yeah, we just did. -The first round.

This is a three-day tournament.

You got to make it to the end to win the grand prize.

-Oh no! No way!

I am not spending three days here fighting for my life.

I can do that at home! -Sorry, kid.

But the only way out of here is as the winner

or in a body bag.

It's in the contract. -What contract?

-That says by entering the arena,

you agree to all of our terms. -Ah!

-Now get your ass in the green room and wait for the next round

before I pump a few rounds right through both of you.

-Look on the bright side. We're gonna get tons of exercise.

(screaming)

-Catch you later, Judith!

-(AENUS): Bunker lockdown in five...

...four (grunt)

...three (grunt)

...two, one!

-Yo, AENUS, let me take the drone out for a spin.

-I'm not comfortable with you contacting your sons again.

My core programming forbids any outside...

-I just want to explore out there.

Get my bearings for the day

I finally get sprung from this pit.

-(AENUS): Part of me hope that day will never come, but...

Very well!

-Get ready to die, Johndoe.

-(AENUS): What was that? -Uh, I said...

Get ready to fly, drone!

Oh! Oh!

-(AENUS): Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, it's fun to see you in such a playful mood.

(crunching)

-Let me have some of that. I'm starving over here.

-It's not my fault you scarfed down your rations in one shot.

-Ah, I really screwed myself.

Speaking of which...

I know something that might take our minds off being hungry.

(crunches)

-My place or yours?

-Hey Ana, check this out... Oh...

What were you just talking about?

-Nothing! Why? -You seem weird.

-Well, you seem weird. Paranoid. What?

-I'm not paranoid.

-Is that a big joint or something?

-No. This was by the gate.

-"Come to the Arena, home of Gladiator combat.

See Blood, gore, and try..."

-"The wasteland's finest rat-meat souvlaki."

-Rat-meat!

-Yeah! -Huh!

(moaning)

-Get in there!

And spill some blood! What am I paying you for?

-You're not paying us!

Frankly, I find it very exploitative!

Ow!

Ugh, hand-to-hand combat is so gross. All that sweat...

(grunt)

-Dude, focus! We can win this thing.

Imagine going back to town with all that food!

We'd be heroes! And more than that, we'd be champions.

-You're hoping there's

a big jewel-encrusted trophy belt, aren't you?

-Oh man, don't get my hopes up.

-Alright. If this means that much to you,

Let's do it! Game faces on! Okay...

(scream)

-(in slow motion): Ow!

(moaning)

-What happened? -I almost got killed.

That's what. Luckily things swung back my way

because everybody kept tripping over you.

-So then, we won? -I won.

You took a little nap.

-I was ready! How did I get knocked out so fast?

I had a game face and I was focused!

-And that was the problem.

In the first fight, you were so busy having a fit,

you killed that one-eyed fool without even thinking.

-I mean, she's right.

-What are you talking about? I don't have fits.

-Kid, I was a psych nurse before doomsday.

I know acute anxiety when I see it.

And yours is a secret weapon.

It freezes your mind,

so your body can become a killing machine.

-Uh?! I don't have anxiety.

I'm stable. Very stable!

Wait, okay, I could see how being raised in the wild

by a survivalist mother who made me kill and skin small animals

might have left me with some post-traumatic issues but...

it's not like I have a disorder. Do I?

Then again, Mom had issues. Big issues.

And those get passed down.

Oh my God! I have genetic anxiety!

-Did you just hypnotize my brother?

-No, I motivated him.

Knowing how to motivate people is pretty much

how I got where I am today.

-Got where? Running bum fights in a horse corral?!

(whirring)

-(Judith): Yes!

Damn it, AENUS! What are you doing?

-(AENUS): I see what you're up to, Judith.

You're after Johndoe Cobretti!

Well, I'm sorry, but whatever issues you have with this man

won't be solved by killing him.

-Most issues with men

could easily be solved by killing them.

-(AENUS): Be that as it may, I can't...

-You got to go after the guy who done you wrong, why can't I?

(explosion)

-(AENUS): Alright, fine.

You can kill your ex. Just this once.

Might I suggest using the sidewinder missiles?

-Oh, I like the way you think!

(scream)

-Whoa, it's a packed house.

-You okay, bro?

-Don't you see what Maxine's doing?

She's playing head games with me!

How do we even know there is a shipping container

full of supplies?

-Hey! Of course, there is!

-Have you seen it? I sure haven't!

This whole thing could be a big fat scam-eroni pizza!

I don't trust that Maxine. Not one bit!

Suppose we fight our way through to the end,

only to wind up with nothing?

(high pitch scream)

And if it is a scam...

do you realize how stupid we're going to look

when we get back to St. Zephyr?

(grunt)

I don't know if I can handle disapproval of that magnitude!

Are you listening to me?

(cheering)

-Dad! It's Rafe and Gabe!

(cheering)

-Is it me or does Gabe look a little off.

(gasp)

(yawning)

-Oh yeah... Ha! Ha!

-(Judith): Hello, Johndoe!

-Judith? Uh, hey!

Good to see you, baby. How's bunker life treating you?

-(Judith): Shut up, you dirty snake.

Better yet, bend over, you bastard.

-(Johndoe): Uh, Come on, honeybunch, don't be mad.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

In fact, I got proof! I'll show you. It's right here.

-(AENUS): What happened? you didn't even fire!

-Ha-ah!

(explosion)

-Son of a bitch did the exact same thing

back when I told him I was pregnant!

-(AENUS): Well that's one way to avoid confrontation.

(snoring)

-Knock, knock! -Guys!

Hey, I'm so glad to see you.

-Mmm, you too.

Hey! Have you tried these rat kebabs?

They're incredible.

You boys were dynamite out there.

Especially Gabe. Who knew you had it in you?

-That buzzing! It's inside my head.

Just like Maxine... her words burrowing into my mind,

laying eggs of doubt and self-loathing.

Shut up!

-Is he okay? -Yeah.

Maxine says we got to keep him on edge.

It's his secret weapon.

-That doesn't sound healthy.

-He's fine! That's what's gonna help them win

that shipping container!

After that, we'll live like kings.

-Yeah, but by that point,

Gabe might be so far gone he won't come back.

I've seen this in the Congo.

Male spider monkeys so tense with anxiety,

they lash out and then self-destruct

in a frenzy of panic and pointless violence.

-Nah! Gabe's okay. Aren't ya, buddy?

-Is that the... -Bathroom bucket.

Yeah, he uses to block mind-readers.

But other than that, he is totally fine!

Gabe, buddy, wake up.

-Time to fight again?

-Keep your voice down. We're getting out of here.

-What about your belt? Your shiny belt?

-Screw the belt!

Ana said if we keep making you fight,

you could wind up dying like a monkey spider.

-In my own banana-web?

-I don't know, man. Come on!

-Thank you!

-I do not get paid enough for this.

(low growl)

-I was right. That doesn't sound like supplies!

(low growl)

-Ah!

-I see you boys have met your opponent for tomorrow.

Gorth, come on out and say hello.

(scream)

-Take these shitbags back to their cage, will you?

-Anxiety returning!

-Good! 'Cause you're gonna need it, Freakshow.

-I think I'm gonna hyperventilate.

-Reel it in, Gabe. This is no time to play with yourself.

But don't worry. I got a plan.

You pitch one of you fits, and while he's distracted,

I'll run away. -Okay, then what?

-Then, I'm gonna dig out this wedgy.

It's gone full penetration, Gabe!

It's shaving my taint and dividing my nuggets.

Who would have thought gladiator work would be so painful?

(slurping)

(loud burp)

-You know, caffeinated mud's pretty tasty

once you choke it down. So, how're my champs doin'?

-Dwayne, we gotta get outta here.

I need you to find our truck, get us some weapons.

-Whoa, whoa! You can't throw in the towel now.

It's the big Battle Royale.

Speaking of which... I go to go make some bets.

-Gabe, listen, when we get in there,

you stay out of it, okay? Just play dead or something.

-No. You need to trigger me. It's the best chance we have.

-Ana said it's not good for you.

-Neither is getting decapitated, but either way, I lose my head.

Just say something stupid, or annoying, or incorrect.

My anxiety will do the rest.

-Uh... Okay. The Dimension Patrol books are for losers?

-Rafe, I said "incorrect" not "patently absurd"!

-I'll give Johndoe one thing,

he's slipperier than a bar of soap in a prison shower.

-(AENUS): Judith, my sensors indicate that Cobretti

may be fitted with a tracking chip.

The same chip we used to track down General Hecks.

-Can you zero in on it?

-Nice probing, AENUS!

(cheering)

-Mutants and wastelanders!

Welcome to the Arena's Final Battle Royale!

Our champions were raised

in a survival bunker

by their obviously unhinged doomsday-prepper mom!

The deep emotional scars of their childhoods

are finally paying off...

in a blood-soaked orgy of violence and slaughter!

Please welcome, Rafe and Gabe Burns!

-Burns?

-Hey, are you and my Dad boning? -What?

No! That's crazy!

Why? Has... someone say something?

-I'll take that as a yes.

-Alright, I bet every battery I have

on Gabe going full loony tunes out there.

What's with you two?

-Us? Nothing.

-And in this corner, the undefeated Arena Champion,

Gorth the God Killer!

(growling)

(cheering)

-(AENUS): Don't use a missile, Judith.

The resulting blast would cause too much collateral damage.

-Ah, you're no fun.

Engage sniper weapon and scope.

-Maybe this will get you all wiggy.

Remember the time we found that chocolate and then we lost it.

Well, I actually ate it.

-I knew that already.

-I just don't know how to trigger your anxiety!

-Yes you do! You're a freaking expert at it.

You're the cause of it! -Don't put that on me, bro!

Your weirdo worrying is not my fault.

(scream)

-Well you do contribute to it. In a huge way.

-That is so unfair! I don't control how you think!

-Then why is 90 % of my worrying because of stuff you do!

-Dude, if it wasn't me causing it, it would be something else!

I don't wanna sound like a dick, but the problem is...you!

(gasp)

(cheering)

-Hey, Johndoe... Uh?

(growling)

(hyperventilating)

(screaming)

(yelling)

-Huh? -Huh?

(sigh)

-Boo!

(growling)

-It's Rafe and Gabe! What are they doing?

Probably kicking some ass.

Just like their mama.

(growling)

Damn it! He got me!

-Mr. Cobretti, why are you here?

-Just wanted to help out my buddies.

It's not like I came in here to use you as human shields

from a missile attack.

But, if you talk to your mom, put in a good word for me, okay?

(screaming)

-Why does Johndoe want us to put a word in with mom?

-So not relevant right now!

-It's a little odd, don't you think?

-Can we obsess over this later?

-Oh, I plan to. -Wait! Can ya do it now?

'Cause we kind of need your superpower!

I'm afraid not.

When you were hit, my anxiety kicked into overdrive then it...

levelled off.

I've attained anxiety nirvana.

-That's great!

(screaming)

(screaming and crying)

-On no... My boys. My sweet boys.

Go for his (bleep) balls!

It's only fighting dirty if you lose!

(growling)

(screaming)

-(AENUS): Sniper gun back online, Judith.

(grunts)

-Argh!

-(sighing): Disengaging. We're going home.

-(AENUS): Why? Because Johndoe helped them?

Oh, Judith, you've gone soft.

-Soft enough for you?

-(AENUS): Okay, jeez. Touchy. Touchy!

-Oh, thanks, Mr. Cobretti. But why did you help us?

-And how do you know our mom?

-Well, it's a long story that I need a second to make up...

-Ladies and Gentlemen, our new Champion... This guy!

(cheering)

You two. I'm dropping your contracts.

Get the hell out of before we unfurl some body bags.

-I gotta know. Is there a grand prize?

-Of course. And since this handsome fella...

-Call me Johndoe.

-Since Johndoe here technically won. He gets it.

So, good night!

-Boys! Wait!

You guys did most of the fighting,

so you deserve those supplies...

At least half of them. Say a third. Take a quarter.

You know what, an eighth! You earned it.

Catch you later.

-Hum... -Oh!

(screeching)

-I've been thinking about what Maxine said.

Maybe I do have an anxiety problem?

I should probably find a... -Holy crap, Gabe!

It's been days and days of nothing but you, you, you!

Just give me some peace for five minutes, okay?

-Sorry.

You're mad you didn't get a...

-...a shiny championship belt, yes!

So, back off, I'm still processing this, okay?

-And I'm the one with the mental problem.

General Hecks, sir?

You're alive? And hideous!

So, this is yours? Nice.

Just like how we used to recruit operatives

down in Val Verde.

I take it you're active again

-Let's talk about getting us back into that super-bunker.

-Affirmative. But I just ate.

Could you maybe throw a bag over your head, sir?

Too soon?

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.