Original subtitles

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and may contain mature (grunts)matter.

-That's the last time we go exploring any caves.

-You should have listened to me about sticking together.

Well once you started calling us "The Spelunking Brothers",

I had a sudden urge to be nowhere near you.

-Remember mom said the first and best way to die is to split up?

-I do because... she was spanking us when she yelled it.

-Well, if she was here now, she'd make me team leader.

-Please! She would have you scrubbing toilets

with your tongue for getting us lost!

-You don't know what you're talking about.

-Nice to see you two getting along.

-Argh! Whenever I suggest anything,

Rafe does the exact opposite!

Just once, I wish that big dumb ape would listen to me!

-Who's a big dump ape?

-Huh? You're back already?

(Rafe makes monkey sounds.)

(laughing)

-Well, that's the last time we go exploring any...

All right, it's on!

(grunts)

(grunts)

-I should really start charging cover, I'd make a fortune.

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(growling)

(grunts)

(farting)

(screaming then kissing) -Christ on a cracker, Gabe,

I have plans today. I do not need this right now.

-I don't even know what's happening.

Which one of you is the real Rafe?

-None of them are. Look at their stomachs.

No belly buttons.

I assume your brother has one, right?

-(Rafe): Aaah!

He! He! He!

(gasp) -Mom!

Oh yeah, he does.

I've had the ear infections to prove it.

-So the real Rafe is lost in that cave?

-Figures. I better go find him,

before he gets hungry and gnaws off his own leg.

-Hold on! Before, you got to get rid of these guys!

(screams)

Otherwise, we're gonna have us a serious "Rafe-fugee" problem.

(laughing)

Ah, you guys suck! -Guys!

Look! I got my own harem of studs.

(grunts)

Go ahead and run.

It's your loss, you mutts!

-Hum...

He! He! He!

(whining)

-Hey, chuds! Where you're going?

-Okay. Open the gate.

(chattering)

-Knock yourself out, big guy! -Oh yeah! Woohoo!

-(AENUS): Hey, Jud, what's you doing?

-Needlepoint. What's it look like?

Just trying to make life in this prison a little more bearable.

(crash) Ah! Ha! Ha!

It's called a Camelbar.

It's the only candy bar made with nougat, fudge,

and real Egyptian caramel.

-(AENUS): You do know we have a key for that machine.

-Yep!

Hey, what's that?

Hum...

(grunts)

-(AENUS): Ah! Oh, my God! I know her!

She's my mother!

(sobbing) -Your what?

Okay... There goes my appetite!

-Shit! It's Tuesday already?

-You bet! Mom could be home,

any minutes, so run and make our bed, will you?

-Didn't I burn and bury this?

-I have back-ups. Now hurry! I want everything perfect!

Hey, hey, hey, manners! Wait for your mother!

-It'll get cold.

I'm so sick of eating cold eggplant every week.

(sigh)

Look, dad, mom isn't coming back and you know it.

-She said, she'd be back Tuesday.

-Yeah! Months before the apocalypse!

But every week you go through this pathetic ritual.

You think some cold eggplant

is gonna make mom magically appear?

Face it, dad! It won't.

-I didn't know you felt so strongly

about the temperature of eggplant.

(snoring)

-Rafe?

(echoing): Hello?

Rafe!

Ah!

-That's the last time we go exploring any caves!

-Hey, do you have a belly button?

-Of course, I...

Oh, wow! I don't!

Ah!

I do now! Oh...

-Ew...

-How the hell can you have a mother, AENUS?

-(AENUS): Remember I told you about Sophia,

the scientist who created me?

This is her.

Here, let me close her sweet eye.

Ah! Oh no!

-Yeesh! Happy fricking Mother's Day!

What's that in her hand?

(AENUS sobbing)

-(AENUS): I'm so sorry mommy!

-Wait a sec! What do we have here?

No! Let me get it.

You've desecrated your mother's corpse enough!

(AENUS sobbing)

(yawning)

-Holy shit!

-Danika? I thought you were out!

You were right, kid.

If I want your mother to come home, I got to make it happen.

-And driving felt too easy?

-Too slow!

These trade winds blow south, we'll be there in a week!

-Dad, you idiot! We're going north!

-(echoing): Hello!

Phew, finally! (gasp)

-What the hell are you doing

trying to undress your brother, you perv?

-Mommy?

-Shh! Great! Now you woke him up!

I'm so sorry Gabe ruined your nap, number one son.

-Mom, you're really back?

I was afraid it was just a dream.

-Mom, how did you get here? -You should have seen it.

I was trying to find the way out.

I started thinking about mom and then...

-She appeared out of a pink bubble?

-Exactly!

-Mom, do you have a belly button?

-None of your damn business!

No, I do not.

-I think this cave reads your mind

and creates people out of that pink lichen.

Like in the Dimension Patrol novel

The Doppelgänger Comes To Dinner.

-Here we go with the space books!

-Captain Thaddeus finds an asteroid that creates people

based on thoughts and memories.

Then he gets to play chess with his long-dead father... Ah!

-Enough with that Sci-Fi horse crap, Gabe! You fucking nerd!

-You don't have to hit me!

-Learn how to duck!

(gasps)

-Ah...

-Gabe, honey, come here and give mommy a hug.

-God damn it, Rafe!

-Ha! Ha! Classic! Nerd!

(laughing)

(gasp)

(gunshot) -Come on! Scram!

(sobbing)

-Leave those Rafes alone! -Relax!

They're vermin with chin straps! -They are not vermin!

They're majestic young men with amazing facial hair!

Right, Rafe? -I'm so confused right now!

What's with all the me-s?

-Those formed the first time I was looking for you.

-See, he went back to look for you twice. That's my Gab!

Loyal and handsome!

-Thank you, mom. I'm glad someone appreciates

everything I do for this family.

-Blah-blah-blah!

That's what you sound like, you baby!

-Well, Rafe looks like an overgrown baby!

If it wasn't for the ragweed on his face,

you'd need a map to his chin.

-Rafe has a very defined chin!

By the way, I'm driving. -Over my dead body.

-This is not gonna end well.

-What are you talking about? We got mom back. Twice!

This is gonna be awesome!

Oh, and I call shotgun!

-No! I get shotgun! (grunts)

(struggle)

-What are you doing?

-Taking us home in one piece.

-Well, stop it! We're finally heading south!

Don't you want to see your mother?

-Of course! But she doesn't want to see us.

That's why she left for Venezuela

with a plastic surgeon.

-No! She went to a plastic surgeon

for a procedure!

-Yeah! A procedure called divorce.

-What are you talking about? Doctors can't get divorces.

(screaming)

-Dad! I can't pull you up, you have to climb.

-God damn it! I got to do everything myself!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

-Dad, please!

Can we just turn around before one of us gets hurt?

-Sorry, kid. Your mom awaits!

-Why bother? She was a crappy mom, a terrible wife.

And she didn't give a fart in a windstorm about us!

-She had a good side too!

-Like what? -She was a wild cat in the sack!

-Ew! Gross!

-"My name is Dr. Sophia Ayon.

I'm being held against my will by general Hecks

after refusing to install a strike drone operating system

into the AENUS unit I built for this bunker.

I'd rather die than to see my AENUS become a weapon."

-(AENUS): If the drone operating system is on that drive.

It has to be destroyed. -Wait a sec!

You could find this Hecks guy and make him pay

for killing your mom.

-(AENUS): No! Mommy died specifically

to prevent me from becoming a weapon.

-Yeah, yeah, we all saw Iron Giant.

Besides, General Hecks likely perished in the apocalypse.

Wait a moment... All high-ranking military personnel

have a tracking chip installed... There!

There he is!

-Uh? Come on, AENUS!

This is a chance to experience

the sweetest of all human emotions!

-(AENUS): Seeing justice served? -No!

Violent, bloody, merciless revenge!

So, what do you say?

-Well?

-(AENUS): I'm thinking!

I could just give him a very stern talking-to.

(sigh of despair)

-No surprise it took for-freaking-ever to get here

with her driving!

-It's hard to focus with your buzz-saw voice

giving me bad directions!

-Oh, I'll give you a buzz-saw!

-Easy mom, she's not worth it!

-Hey, she is totally worth it! -Yeah! Let her come!

I'll whip her ass, then whip up some squirrel stew for Rafe.

-Yeah, give him more food.

What, are you trying to give him diabetes?

You know how hard it's gonna be to find insulin here?

-Easier than finding a gal to go out with Mr. Manorexic

over here.

-Oh, so it's a bad thing

that Gabe can actually see his own dick?

-I will not let you give Rafe an eating disorder!

You already made Gabe a bulimic.

-I'm not bulimic!

(screaming)

(throwing up)

-It's just stress, not bulimia.

-I always did wonder how you stayed so trim.

-Hey! Tell your ugly twin girlfriends to knock it off!

(gunshot)

-Danika?

Why are we changing direction?

-Stay back.

This thing is unsteady enough. I don't want to fall.

Look, I never wanted to show you this but here...

It's Mom's receipt for a one-way ticket to Venezuela.

She had no plans to come back. -You don't know that!

Look at this! Tons of pictures of you, me...

and your mom being a happy family!

Why wouldn't she want to come back?

-It's all pictures of you fighting the clown

at my fifth birthday party.

-Well, he started it! And look!

Your Mom's laughing in all of these pictures.

Mainly because he's shoving my face into the cake, but still!

Man, me and her had good times! -Hey...

then maybe we should be home in case she shows up?

I mean that's the first place she'd go, right?

-Holy crap!

You're right! Why didn't you say so?

We got to land this bird!

That should do the trick.

(screaming)

(shotguns)

-This is all your fault for making another Mom!

She's tearing this family apart!

-Oh, really? Because yours shot first!

(grunts and shotguns)

-Who's shooting? (scream)

-(together): Ana! -(moms): Shut up you cry babies!

(shotguns)

-Ana, you're okay?

-So you know how long that will take to grow back?

And what's with the kill-crazy twins?

Let me guess, the cave?

-Yeah! Those are actually our moms.

(gunshot) -Well, that explains a lot.

-What do you say we drop the guns

and settle this with blades?

-No!

Once I slice you up,

your fat idiot son will try to eat you!

-Guys, you gotta stop to your mothers

before they destroy the town.

-She's right. Let's split up.

I'll go talk to mine, you talk to yours.

-No way! We should approach the Moms as a unit.

We need to... -...be each other's shields.

-Yes. And I'll stay behind you.

-AENUS, this Hecks bastard has killed three mutants

since we spotted him.

He deserves to get wasted.

The dead kind, not the fun kind.

-(AENUS): I will not become a weapon!

-How can you just sit there while your mom's murderer

is strutting around like he owns the wasteland?

-(AENUS): Perhaps my morals just aren't as flexible as yours.

-Why did you do that? -Maybe you don't have

the microchips to off this murdering son of a bitch,

but I sure as shit do.

Morals, my ass!

-Well, we're alive. Now I guess we just go back home

and wait for your mother... again.

-"Dear Mom.

It's been a while, but Dwayne and I are still alive

in St. Zephyr.

We miss you and want to see you."

What is this?

-If it's meant to be, she'll find it.

These trade winds blow south, right?

-Honestly, I have no idea what the hell a "trade wind" even is.

Come on, let's go home...

(shredding)

(gunshots)

-Look, I know this is hard for you to accept,

but you dropped a ball raising Gab.

He's dead weight.

-Pff! The only thing Rafe's good for is making body odour

and stale meat farts.

-Oh, you're funny!

You know what else would be funny?

Me, Chucks and Palahniuking your brains all over that wall.

(gunshots)

-I'd say the same to you but I doubt you have any brains!

(gunshots)

Hey, since we're doing elementary school jokes...

Knock, knock! -Oh, oh, I know this one!

-Who's there? -Not you, sweetie.

-Oh, maybe they'll bond over laughter

and lay down their arms...

(scream) (Rafe laughs.)

-I said, "knock, knock!"

-Who's there? -A bullet.

-A bullet who?

-A bullet right through your face, you unfit mother!

(shotguns)

-Oh!

-Rafe, get clear or you'll get shot.

-Good job, Gabe! Keep using Rafe as a human shield!

-See, I told you! -Judiths!

We have a proposition!

-Come out so we can proposition you!

-I thought you'd never ask, Rafe...

Oh, you're talking to the gross chicks. Ew.

-Say the word, Rafe, and I'll cap them both.

-Try it and I'll shoot a grenade so far up you,

you'll taste it before it goes off.

-Quiet!

We think that Rafe and you should move back

to our old place and live there together.

-And you and Gabe can live here.

That way neither of you has to see each other again.

-Yeah, I suppose we could.

-Now!

(grunts)

-Fail! Ha! Ha!

-I was wrong. We should have split up!

-You shouldn't have done that, boys.

-Yeah, you really shouldn't have.

-Well, it's nice to see they finally agree on something.

-Uh?

Uh?

-Hum?

-Alrighty, general,

get ready to suck some sidewinder.

-(AENUS): Wait! -Sorry, it's for your own good.

-(AENUS): No. I mean, let me do it.

-Oh!

-Youpi!

-So what changed your mind?

-(AENUS): Oh, his smug ugly self-righteous face.

Despite my reservations about becoming a weapon,

that felt... good.

Like really darn good!

-That's maybe the most human thing you've ever said.

Mind if I make a pit stop on the way home.

-(AENUS): Be my guest.

(grunts)

-Yeah... Me, I got an idea.

-What's on our mind?

-Let's go back to that cave and make more Rafes and Gabes.

-Better Rafes and Gabes. Perfect Rafes and Gabes.

-But they wouldn't have belly buttons.

(laughing)

-(together): Say good night to mommy, boys!

(quivering)

(screaming)

(screaming)

-(Judith): Rafe?

Gabe? Is that you?

-Mom? -Are you real?

-As real as it gets, boys!

Come give mama a hug!

Damn, I missed you!

-Ow! Ow! Ow!

-I'm flying this thing from inside a super bunker!

-Where? -I'll get you coordinates,

but my battery's getting low!

So... Where'd these clones of me come from?

-She made us bleed.

Just like the old days.

-(Rafes): Mom... Mom... Mom... Mom...

Mom... Mom... Mom...

Mom... Mom...

-Hey, my boys!

Sorry, this is gonna hurt me a lot more it's gonna hurt you!

-(all): I'll take that bet!

-Okay, maybe not.

Ha! Ha! Judith, one.

Clones, fuck all!

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.