Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

-Pretty good haul you got there! and may contain mature subject matter.

Not sure how edible it is, but...there's a lot of it.

-It's not enough! When Ana put me in charge

of food for the St. Zephyr's Day barbecue,

it was an invitation to blow her mind.

Hum...

-Well, these will make her blow chunks.

-I need to get a fish so big she'll say:

"Wow Gabe, I challenged you, and you came through,

and now I love you because of how big that fish is."

-Ooh! Are we talking a wish-granting fish?

(Gabe screams.) -This is it!

This is the one! (long grunt, scream)

-Easy there, little buddy! I got you!

(grunting, screaming)

(whining)

(whining, grunting)

-Oh, jeez! Sorry, lady...

Hang on. (threatening cooing)

(long screech) (Gabe and Rafe scream.)

Hey! Let her go, you son of a bitch!

I said: Let. Her. Go!

(defeated cooing)

(grunting)

-You okay? -Yes, thank you.

That was very brave what you did.

-Aw... it was nothing.

(sensual music)

-This is perfect. When Ana sees this, she's...

(screaming)

Rafe! Rafe!

Rafe!

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(growling)

(cheering, upbeat music)

-Oh!

-I've got to admit, Gabe. You really

came through on the food front. -Thanks, Ana!

And if there's anything else you're feeling,

now that you've seen this, I'm all ears.

-Well, looking at that bird, I'm feeling hungry. See you later!

-I like the subtext of how she said "hungry".

I like it a lot! -There was no subtext, nerd!

-Ah...

-Rafe, cheer up!

Things are finally going our way!

I'm a step closer to Ana,

and you've got a date with the fish lady!

-Yes, and one of those things

has a chance of actually panning out. Except...

-... you're afraid she has fish parts instead of lady parts?

-What? No! I'm not thinking about her parts!

-Oh, yeah, right. -Dude, I like her!

I wanna get to know her.

But I can't tell if she likes me because I saved her,

or cause... she likes me.

What's the difference? You just have to go for it!

Like I did when I brought Alpheus here.

You named it?

Man, never name something if you're gonna eat it!

I named him after a race of alien birds

in the Dimension Patrol novel The Anvils of Kronkus...

-La, la, la!

Don't infect me with nerd germs before my big date!

La, la, la, la!

(upbeat music in video)

(Father Manila cheers.)

(Music stops.) -(AENUS): Judith, what's wrong?

You haven't tried to escape in several days

and you appear to be in lower spirits than your usual...

low spirits.

-That's odd. I feel great!

I love watching people have fun

while I'm rotting in a godforsaken shit bunker!

-(AENUS): The apocalypse would indicate that God,

if he exists, has forsaken everything.

Come on, let's cheer you up, Judy!

-Don't call me that! -Sorry!

Just trying it out. Let's have some fun, shall we?

-Oh, no! Not that stupid thing again.

-(AENUS): I've been working on the perfect simulation

to brighten your day.

You'll love it. Trust me.

It's tailor-made just for you.

So are straightjackets.

-Aren't those one size fits all?

(whirring)

-Oh!

Hum...

(whirring)

-Hey, Judith.

-Johndoe?

(gunshots)

(grunting, gunshots)

(grunting, gunshot)

Ah! You were right, AENUS!

I feel so much better!

-(AENUS): That's not what it was for!

That's like playing Grand Theft Auto

and only killing hookers!

It's allowed, but so not the point!

(gulping)

-Oh, uh, hello...

Nice to see you again. I picked these for you.

-Help us! This madman tore us from our homes!

-Hum... -I thought we could maybe

take a walk along the river, and then, um...

walk back from there also.

-Cut it out. You had me the second you showed up

with your meaty arms and your powerful beard.

The only question now is: what will you do with me?

-Uh...

-(Gabe, in echo): Go for it!

Go for it! Go for it!

-Oh... (slurping)

-Was he just eating her face?

(moaning) (disgusted grunt from flower)

-Almost there.

I've just got to plump you up so when Ana tastes you,

she'll be overwhelmed with passion.

(short laugh, gasp)

(singing)

Gosh, that's beautiful, Alpheus.

It's almost a shame we have to kill, cook, and eat you...

But, them's the "beaks"! Okay, eat up!

-(AENUS): Ah, so you do like my simulation.

-I sure like killing Johndoe!

What can I use on him this time?

-(AENUS): Judith, this wasn't designed for you to kill him.

It's for you to spend time with him!

(Judith growls.)

-Why would I want to do that?

-(AENUS): I thought you might want the company

of someone other than me for a change,

so I recreated him minus his sleazier qualities.

(air-kissing)

-Nice try, but whatever's poking me in the leg

right now feels pretty damn sleazy.

-Don't worry, baby. That's just my little Johndoe.

-(AENUS): Okay, I may need to make a few tweaks...

(AENUS sings, Johndoe groans.)

(moaning) -(Rafe): Sorry.

Um... Oh! Okay!

Let me just... whoops.

The fins make this harder than usual I assume.

-What is it? You do not want this?

-I do, I do! It's just...

Oh, boy! Um...

So, I've definitely done this before...

is what I would say, if... Uh... -Gwen!

The hunting trip ended early

on account of one of the guys accidentally...

(whimpering) ... shot himself.

-Oh! Uh, listen, man...

-Oh my God, Gwen!

How could you?

(grunting, sobbing)

-Jesus, Murray. Pull it together.

-So, uh... You're married.

surprise, she's got a kid!ine

-Ouch! -And I'm just stuck there,

watching a grown man and a little girl cry!

Finally, he takes his bags,

tells me it's my family now, and leaves.

-So did you do it or not?

Are you kidding? I broke up her family, Gabe!

-Rafe, we're never going to have sex

if we don't make some sacrifices.

Like me, for instance.

I discovered that Alpheus is quite intelligent.

But I'm still going to serve him for dinner

because that will impress Ana.

-Maybe that's the difference between you and me.

I don't wanna hurt people's feelings just to get sex.

-Alpheus's not people! He's a bird!

(gentle cooing)

Not now, Alpheus, Daddy's talking!

-AENUS said I should give this another try. So what do you got?

-How about we do some shootin'?

-Oh! Uh...

(gunshots)

Nice tight grouping there.

-You know me, I like it tight.

(grunting) (gunshots)

-Ha! Like they say, the bigger the gun, the tighter the shots.

Oh, I got a big gun for you.

Right down here...

(rock music)

(gunshots)

(laughter, cheering)

-Ouch! -You okay?

-Stupid shell casing hit me.

(sensual music) -Uh?

(smack) Um...

Johndoe, look...

I... I don't...

-(AENUS): Oops! That's a glitch. Sorry!

-Uh... Hem...

-Go on and play, honey. -Wait!

Wait, I know your kid must be having a rough time,

so I scavenged for this.

Found it like that. Might wanna wash off the blood.

Listen, Gwen, I'm really sorry...

-There's nothing to apologize for.

My husband proved himself to an unworthy coward.

-Right. Anyway, uh...

your husband said this was my family now,

which was not what I was looking for...

-So, you wish to hit it and quit it, hmm?

Screw it and eschew it?

-Not totally familiar with that last word, but...

Look, I just want to be a decent guy here.

-Perfect! You can start by helping me.

The flowers you brought took root and are out of control.

Could you? -The madman's back!

And he's here to kill us all!

-... then the bird comes swooping in!

But I've only got one thing on my mind: St. Zephyr's Day BBQ!

So I jump on top of it and start hammering it with my fist.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Woah... -Bullshit!

There's only one bird that's ever been hammered

with that fist, and it's in your pants!

-Don't listen to her.

This may not look like much,

but it can pack a pretty solid blow when dinner's on the line!

I like a man with strong hands,

Gabe. Maybe we can put them to use after the party?

-To clean up the mess, right? -Yup.

-Wow! (screaming)

(whimpering) Holy crap, Alpheus.

You saved me... (sweet cooing)

Eating you is going to bring me a lot of inner conflict.

-Oh, Johndoe...

-Oh, Judy...

(growling) Judy, baby, what's wrong?

(grunting)

(fire sizzling) Was it something I said?

-You were trying to have sex with me

through a simulator, you sicko!

-(AENUS): What? No! I simply...

designed the simulation and... and I... I...

-"Judy", he said.

You're the only one who's ever called me that and lived!

-(AENUS): I didn't intend to take advantage of you!

I only wanted to make you happy!

And possibly connect with you on some deeper level...

-I can't even look at you right now!

Christ, you're everywhere in this joint.

I can't get away from you! Thank God! Privacy at last!

(faint breathlessness)

-Okay, the weeds are cleared,

I built your daughter a tire swing

and split a bajillion fire logs.

So... I should probably be going.

-Are you sure you would not like to stay for dinner, and maybe...

stay after that?

-This is gonna end with me building you a house, isn't it?

(scream) (moaning)

(screams, satisfied grunt)

-That was quicker than I imagined but adequate.

(scream)

-Come on! You said it was adequate!

-No, look!

-Oh, jeez!

I guess you want me to...

deal with it. Okay!

(suspenseful music)

(panting)

Murray? What the hell, man!

-I knew you'd take my family. I just knew it.

-Ugh... I'm not taking your family!

I just came to see if they were okay.

-By screwing my wife? Oh, I don't deserve her.

I'm nothing!

I'm a grubby little fishman

with a tiny ding-dong and a bad personality.

I should just cut off my ding-dong and go die in a ditch.

-Holy hell, dude! Calm down!

I want you to get your family back as much as you do.

And I think I know how to do it.

-Does it require me cutting my ding-dong off?

Because I will do it!

-No, man! Stop saying that! Jesus!

-You're gonna grab me around the neck like this.

-What if I mess up

or I have to go to the bathroom?

-Just hold it in, Murray.

The fight won't last that long!

Get ready, I'm gonna throw a punch, nice and slow.

You dodge it.

-Don't hurt me! (sobbing)

-Shush! I'm trying to help you!

(Gabe grunts.)

(cooing) -Shush! I'm trying to save you!

(engine revving)

(cooing, trilling)

(suspense music)

(cooing)

(Father Manila laughs.)

(grunt)

(brakes screeching)

Hey... Uh, almost ran you over there.

-Yeah. So where you headed?

-It's time to start plucking

that big old bird of yours!

-Funny story, the bird... escaped.

I got up this morning and he'd "flown the coop", as it were.

-Goddamn! Really?

-But I'm going to recapture him!

-Yeah, I hope so! Did you hear that, Ana?

-Oh, hell.

-Gabe here says his bird took off this morning.

-What? That's the only food we have for the barbecue!

-I know.

But I think the important thing to remember is that

I did catch it

and that you were impressed! (Alpheus sings.)

-What was that? -That was my stomach.

-Your stomach whistles? -Yeah!

You know, when your intestines expel gas?

It's not a fart but it's, you know, like an inside fart?

(trilling) -Oh, is that your stomach too?

Because it sounds like, oh, I don't know,

a bird friggin' in the back of your truck!

-Ah, good Lord!

-I'm sorry! We can't eat him!

He's too smart! He sings like an angel!

And he loves me!

-There's something wrong with that kid.

-Well, Gwen, I finally caught the marauder.

And you'll never believe who it was!

-Murray? -Wrong! It's Murray!

And he's got something pretty wild to say.

Say the line, dummy.

-Uh...

You are the marauder, as far as I am concerned!

I am here to reclaim my family from you, you vile "brote".

-"Brute". -Brute.

And if you will not give them willingly,

I shall seize them from you

in hand to hand combat!

-A bold and sexy gesture, Murray!

But it'll take more than that to best me! You're on!

-Don't do it, Murray! You are weaker than him

and you know this!

-Do not be so sure, my love!

Your Murray is capable of more than you...

think he is!

(grunting) It's just...

it's caught. -Where is it caught?

-I don't know! Can you just...

-Yeah...yeah... (laughter)

-(Murray): One second...

-OK, buddy.

We don't have time for a long goodbye.

Let's just say...

sorry I was going to eat you

and it's been nice knowing you. Go!

Go, I said! You're free!

You're free now! (cooing)

(sweet cooing)

No, don't! Forget about me!

They'll eat you if they catch you, so you've got to go!

(sad cooing)

That's it.

Godammit! Okay, come on! Git!

(grunts)

Scram!

I don't want you here! I think you're crap!

(cooing) Argh!

I think you're a crappy bird who sucks butt

and is a (bleep) dickhead! Get out!

Whoa, I didn't mean to connect there. You okay, buddy?

(threatening coos)

You're mad? Okay, I understand that.

Now use that anger to fly away and...

(Gabe screams.)

I'm sorry! I was only trying to scare you!

I hit you for your own good!

(grunts, screams)

(whimpering)

-He barely touched you, Murray!

-Aah! -Shove me!

-What? (grunts, screams)

Shove me, dude! Put me in a headlock or something, let's go!

(screaming, whimpering)

Oh?

Ow! Oh, he's got me!

He's very strong!

-Get him, dad!

-Alpheus, I didn't mean it! We're friends, remember?

Come on, let's sing the old songs!

Ah! No, no, no!

Ah!

(screaming)

-This is for sleeping with my wife!

-Ow! Oh, the agony!

-And this... (grunt)

is for wrecking my family!

-He's hitting me for real!

-And this is for...

a third thing!

This is a beating that would earn a man his family back

if their values were based on that!

-That's it, Murray. Finish him!

-Rafe, help me! Rafe!

-Gabe? (threatening screech)

(screaming)

-Oh, shit!

(screaming)

-Don't look, kid! Your dad's gonna be fine,

he's just... being taken really quite...

high. Didn't know that bird could fly.

Guess he was saving it for the right moment.

(Murray whimpers.)

No reason he can't survive this! You'll be fine, Murray!

(long scream)

Okay, maybe not. Heads up, everyone!

Ouch! Okay. Hard to spin this in a positive way.

(trilling) -Gabe? You wanna...

(crying)

-Do not look away, child.

This trauma will make you strong!

-(bleep) off, AENUS!

-Look, I know the guy crossed a line,

but I gotta tell you, babe,

it was good to see you having fun for once.

-Which fun? The shooting or the smooching?

And be very careful how you answer that.

-Okay look, AENUS overstepped. He realizes that now.

But come on!

All he did was try to sleep with you without your consent

using a virtual reality super-stud as a proxy...

Anyone could make that mistake!

(gun cocking) (gunshot)

-You call that an apology?

-(AENUS): I didn't realize what I did was wrong!

There was no malice in it. I...

I guess I have a lot to learn about humans.

-Holy shit, do you ever.

-Well, maybe you could... teach me?

-Hum... Alright, let's do it.

Quick, before I come to my senses.

-(AENUS): Yes! -That is not helping.

-(AENUS): Oh...

My... That was

just... amazing!

-Shh! You'll spoil this weird and awkward moment.

-(AENUS): Why do I have an all-consuming urge to smoke?

-Well, thanks a lot, Gabe.

St. Zephyr's day is a total bust!

-Please tell me you at least got laid.

(sigh) -Yeah.

-How was it? -I don't know...

She was scaly and slimy... and well...

she isn't exactly a warmblooded creature, know what I'm saying?

-So, she was a cold fish? -Bingo!

I don't even want to count this as losing my virginity.

-Alpheus! You came back!

(singing)

-First law of nature, boys. Only the strong survive.

I'm hungry. Let's cook this bird.

-My God, that was hot!

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.