Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

(growling) and may contain mature subject matter.

-Hey, that's not fair!

-Dodgehead isn't about fair, okay!

It's about dodging... and head.

And I just gave you head. Sucker!

-Calm down!

Why did Ana talk us into playing this game anyway?

And where the hell is she?

Are you taking notes? -Yeah. Problem?

-Heads up, lady Judas! -Ah!

-Dodgeball!

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

(grunting)

in your book?-Why ares

Fine! -Hey!

Don't tell us.

I can just read it. Get ready everyone.

"Con... clus..." Euh...

Gabe.

-"The Conclusion of Species.

Notes on the Savage Mutants of St. Zephyr."

-Savage?!

I ought to rip your jaw off and eat all your fingers!

-She has notes on all of us in here!

"Self-styled alpha male Rafe often weeps like a baby

and calls out for his mother in his sleep."

-Well, that's a lie right there. I...

(weeping)

Shut up!

-Wasn't judging, just observing.

-"Insecure town leader Dwayne uses

a dye squeezed from beetle dung

to cover his male pattern baldness."

-Ah! -Simply writing down what I see.

-"Local slattern Suzette's secret use

of her prehensile tail borders on paraphilia."

-Para... Say what now?

(whispering)

She spanks her monkey with it?

-Screw you, Ana! You wish you had such a girthy tail!

-How could you write this shit?

-As a zoologist completely engaged in immersive fieldwork,

it's useful for me to...

-We're not fieldwork! We're your friends!

Tell you what, Ms. Science Fair,

if you're so much better than us,

I'm sure you won't mind being officially... shunned.

(exclamations)

As mayor, I decree that you be left alone

until you realize

that you, Ana, are a giant flaming asshole.

Ah, ah, ah, hey, hey, hey, Ana shunned today!

Everybody now!

Ah, ah, ah, hey, hey, hey... Ah, you guys suck!

Come on, gang, let's go have some fun.

-Ah... I can see your bald spot, Dwayne.

-(AENUS): Judith, wake up, sleepyhead!

(alarm blaring)

(grunting)

-Jesus Christ! What's...

-Happy birthday!

-Oh, great... You know my birthday.

-I know everything about you.

I've studied your every emotion, every thought,

every bead of sweat in your whisper of a mustache...

Ahem, ahem! Sorry.

Anyway, I've compiled

a comprehensive psychological profile,

which has allowed me to create

a statistically perfect birthday present for you.

-I was hoping for freedom, but thanks for the weird hat.

-It's a virtual reality helmet! Try it on!

(birds chirping)

-This is bullshit!

If I'm lying around with red toenails,

it should be from kicking an enemy to death with my feet.

-Oh... okay.

No, that's fine, I can generate another birthday reality.

I'll just have to redirect a bit of power...

(rumbling, buzzing)

-What a great idea!

Make it real, real complicated.

Come on, AENUS. Blow my mind. Mind!

-Sorry.

-Ah, solitude! No one burping the alphabet.

No dogs drinking semen.

No Dwayne coming onto me with awkward single-entendres.

How is this a punishment?

See, what I should have said

is that I don't need you peoples's help for me at all,

so leave me alone, I like it.

Mmm, this is good moonshine.

Or "moonshun"!

(laughter)

It's not that funny!

(laughter)

(laughter)

-Is that wine glowing,

or do I just really need to get hammered?

-Remind me not to drink from that bottle.

I know where that tail's been.

-Play your cards right, hot stuff, you could be there, too.

-Hum...

-I'd like to officially announce

our first annual irradiated wine party!

Because wine cures betrayal and sobriety!

(joyful screaming)

(burp)

-You know, Ana actually makes some good points here.

We do kind of act like savages sometimes.

-Are you taking her side?

Because you can just go on up there and join her.

Go on! You're shunned, Gabe!

Ah, ah, ah, hey, hey, hey! Everybody now!

Ah, ah, ah, hey, hey, hey!

-Oh crap! Guys, we're locked in!

♪

-Hang on, let me just see if we can just...

(shriek of pain)

Okay. Now, we can party.

-Take this down.

The miniscule insects appear to be ant-grasshopper hybrids

and all I want is to see them bone.

No, things have not gotten weird!

And no, I don't need those chowderheaded yokels!

I'm happy as a lark without them.

-Ah! I'm so depressed.

At least, things can't get any worst. Oh no, they did!

-Ahrunny!

-Ah shit!

Is he literally saying "irony"?

(screaming)

-Ahrunny!

(cracking)

(long growl, scream)

-I Ronny.

-Irony? -Non, I, Ronny.

My name's Ronny. Mouse-greetings upon you, fellow rodent.

-Oh! Okay. Um, possum-greetings upon you!

I'm Ana. I didn't realize you spoke English.

-I was raised in a laboratory

and learned the language of the vile humans.

Always saying what day of the week it is

and then saying that it feels like

a different day of the week.

-Ugh, blow my brains out. -Exactly.

And despite our clear biological superiority,

they regularly performed acts of hideous cruelty upon us.

-Yeah, animal test..

I mean us testing, what are you gonna do?

-Kill every humanoid I see

by applying layer after layer of hand cream until they die.

-Ah! Cool!

Actually, I saw a humanoid leaving town.

Do you want me to show you so you can also leave?

-A mouse-load of thanks upon you.

-Just out of curiosity,

your lab, was it epigenomic or metabolomic?

-Epigenomic, of course. Ha! Ha!

What's the point of quantifying metabolites

if you're not using mass spec or...

-(together): Liquid chromatography?

(laughter)

-(Judith): Okay, triple the size of the crowd,

make all the fat ones shorter and the tall ones fatter.

-Vacation, preference....

-And give everyone who's left-handed a tragic backstory.

-Completing...

completing, completing...

(alarm blaring)

(grunting)

Anything for the birthday girl! Hey!

Ah, she forgot to bring a jacket.

(profond inhalation)

(yelling, laughter)

(growling)

(fighting screams)

-Happy!

Birthday!

To me!

Ah, it's good to be back!

-Carmen.

-Ah!

-Ana!

-She can't hear you.

-We don't even need her!

We'll just live out the rest of our days here!

We can repopulate.

-Why not?!

Buckle up, fellas, we got some breeding to do.

Except you, Father, that'd be gross! I mean, a sin.

Get in line now. This won't last forever.

Reow! -Uh...

-Figures! Guys always talk big,

but when a real woman is right in front of them,

their pee-pees get sucked up into their body!

Bunch of weeny-peenys!

-Hey, I don't wanna repopulate,

I got to "repoopulate", real bad!

-Oh, mister non-mutant is too fancy to clench it?

-Hey! Ana says right here that the first step

of social devolution is infighting

and spontaneous book burning.

Come on guys, let's show her that we're not savages!

-Yeah, quit fighting. We gotta act...

(burp) ... civilized.

-Oh, hell no! That dumbass book doesn't know me!

-Yeah! Stupid book!

Let's burn it, that'll show it how wrong it is!

(yelling)

-Horror...

-And that's why my favourite part of pi

is two two eight seven one eight three!

(laughter)

-I did not expect

such a stimulating interaction from a possum.

It may be intellectually beneficial for you

to join me as I wander the wasteland.

-Wow, that's tempting.

I'll be honest, no one in my community gets me like you.

-So is there any reason at all for you to remain here?

(yelling)

-No! Let's do it.

-Excellent! Shall we recite the periodic table of elements?

-(together): Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium.

-Something wrong?

-Non, I just had a little, teeny science-gasm.

It's been a while.

-Yeah!

(laughing, moaning)

-Make a wish, Judith.

I wish my boys were here.

-Mom!

-It can't be. -You're alive?

-Ah! Boys! -(Gabe and Rafe): Mom!

-I can't believe it!

-Me like Russell! -Russell lame! Me nerd!

-Hey, the fuck's up with you two?

-Nothing wrong with... with... with... us, mommy.

(laughter)

-Hey! Didn't I just kill you?

Wait a minute.

♪

-Happy birthday!

-You motherfuck...

♪

♪

♪

-This rock is excellent for making sparks. Have you noticed?

-Noticed how good you are at... making sparks?

-Ha, ha! No, this rock, does this look like pyrite?

-We've journeyed quite a ways today.

We must rest our minds and our bodies.

Come, share my warmth.

-No, I'm good.

-Okay, no, that's fine. Freaking tease.

-Excuse me? -Ugh? What?

-You just said I was a tease?

-Non, I said, ugh, creaking trees.

They're so loud.

Tease!

-Ah! You know, guys usually buy me dinner before they tie me up.

What are you, kidnapping me?

-Kidnapping sounds so barbaric. I'm claiming you.

When we arrive at my home,

I'll decide whether you join

my stable of concubines or the kitchen staff.

Can you cook?

-I thought we had an intellectual connection!

-Which is why I'm leaning toward concubine.

It's nice to have stimulating discussions after fornication.

-Well, I hope you like it rough!

-Ah! My face!

-Ah!

-Ah! Oh! You'll pay for this!

(screaming)

-(AENUS): Did you enjoy your present, Judith?

I thought the mutant fight would be most pleasing.

-Pleasing my ass! That sucked dead donkey balls!

-But all you want is to escape this bunker!

-I want to escape so I can get back to shitty reality!

Not some fun illusion

where I get to murder strangers whenever I want.

-Reality, hum?

Well, some philosophers believed that reality as we know

it is nothing more than a simulacrum of reality.

You could simply be a brain living in a vat somewhere.

I believe it was Maurice Merleau-Ponty who argued that...

Ah, ah, ah...

(alarm blaring)

-Wait a sec.

Okay, fat brain. Now, you're just fucking with me!

(applause and exclamations)

-What would Rafe and Gabe do?

They'd argue and both would end up crying.

-Ah! Ana!

(sniffing)

(high-pitched growl)

-Bouh!

(high-pitched scream)

(scream of pain)

-Do not insert directly into ear canal, my ass!

(screaming)

-What's going on? Where am I?

Help! Somebody help me!

-There's no use yelling, Ronny. We're all alone.

-Come on, just let me go.

-Go and what? Kill humanoids?

Or abduct vulnerable woman-rodents

so you can finally get some tail?

-Can't it be both?

-No. Both is not as easy as it seems, Ronny.

Both a beautiful genius and a shitty bar owner.

Both a woman and, like, a crow.

Both a scientist and a nice person.

-What is that? Oh god, no!

No experiments! Please, no experiments!

-I do love science, though.

Researching, writing... collecting specimens.

-You have to admit I know you pretty well

to give you the two things you wanted most in the world.

-Two things?

-To escape and to hit me with something heavy.

See? My profile of you is perfect.

(videogame beeping sounds)

(groan)

-Hum, that must have taken a lot of work.

It wasn't the ideal result for me,

but it was a really kind gesture,

and I know you put a lot of ones and zeros into it.

I don't say thank you nearly enough,

but a birthday really makes a person grateful for what they...

-For the love of God, stop! -Stop what?

-Being sweet and grateful...

You're weirding out my processors!

-Why? Doesn't this fit with your perfect psych profile of me,

AENUS, my dear, dear friend?

(mumbling)

I'm so sorry. Did that hurt?

-File corrupt, profile deleting,

deleting security systems, faltering...

-Huh... Wait, are you baiting me?

(applause and exclamations)

I am going to rip out your insides

and micturate on your circuit boards!

-Not before you take off the other helmet,

my perfect, angry Judith!

-You sneaky son of a... -And the other one.

(repeated happy music beginning)

(screaming)

(screaming)

-Oh! Here you guys are! Ah!

-Oh! Hey, Ana... -Hey, la, la, la!

-How did you find us?

-Well, you weren't exactly keeping quiet.

-Everything you wrote is true.

We are savages,

holding onto civilization by a tenuous thread.

-But I learned something, too. Let me show you.

See, I met this, I guess he was like a Mouse Rights activist?

And after some philosophical discussion,

we discovered that our worldviews didn't totally align.

Behaving, as always,

in a rational and dispassionate manner,

I decided to debate with this mouse

to illustrate the consequences

of his more retrograde opinions.

However, I did not anticipate the consequences

of my super-sharp rhetoric.

(shriek of pain)

Finding myself in a bad situation,

a zugzwang, you're a chess player

I reasoned that the kindest course was

to stab him again and again with my arguments.

In short, our disagreement became quite messy.

In any case,

I learned that the line between civilization and savagery

is much, much thinner than I assumed.

(exclamations of surprise)

-So, are we gonna eat that thing or what?

-Oh, Ana, I forgot. Here's your notebook.

-You destroyed my research?

-Ugh... Sorry? -Oh, you think this is funny?

-Euh, no. I mean yes. Euh, do you want it to be funny?

-You're making me angry, Gabe.

And you know what happens when I get angry.

-Please, give me water.

-Oh, solitude!

Closed Captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.