Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain matu-Ah... Oh yeah!er.

-Ew! What is that? Smells like cat urine!

-It's better than that. It's my own muscle-building cocktail!

I call it Swole AF...

The swole cola!

We need every edge we can get out there. Drink some!

-Ew. -Some of what?

-Rafe's body-building energy drink!

-Oh, those are terrible for you.

You'll wind up burned out and dehydrated.

-Actually, Ana, I've been lifting weights since I was 9.

I think I know what I'm doing.

-Right. But as a zoologist,

with a background in organic chemistry, I...

-I didn't realize zookeepers were experts on getting buff.

-Argh!

-What's her problem?

-Dude, you just mansplained her!

-Actually, Danika, I took her to school. There's a difference.

-And how would you know? You've never even been to school.

-What the hell?

-Is it me or are women way oversensitive?

-It's you. It's definitely you.

(rooster crowing)

(high pitch scream)

-Sweet mother of god!

I have boobs?!

(theme music)

(growling)

-Gab, wake-up! We got a situation!

-Uh... Oh, God!

Huh? I wasn't doing anything with that pumpkin!

And it was consensual!

You have... You grew... You've got... Ah! Boobies?

-Bro, the radiation finally got me.

And screwed me at the same time! These are the worst!

-Then why do you keep touching them?

-Uh, just checking my pecs.

Yeah, still there.

-Rafe, I highly doubt you mutated.

-Tell that to the girls!

What's everyone gonna say when they see me like this?

-Calm down. They won't laugh. -You think they'll laugh?

Oh shit! I was only worried they'd notice.

-Folks, this virus is getting out of hand.

First Johnny and Suzette get sick, now Vijay.

Even I'm feeling it.

Already crapped my pants twice...

(rumbling) ...three times today.

-We need medical supplies!

All we've got are gummy vitamins and a skin tag removal kit!

-Dips on the tag remover.

I wanna make Johnny disappear. Oh, what?!

-Oh, eh, eh, eh!

-Ah!

-Looking good, Rafe.

Real good!

-What's going on, Rafe?

You got a hell of a rack there.

Even Danika is eye-banging you.

-No, I wasn't.

Huh! Okay, I totally was.

-Stop treating Rafe like an object, Danika,

that's my job.

Which I quit 'cause I'm jealous of that rack.

-You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Rafael!

-Uh, what?

-The dirty pillows of sin have sprouted from you!

You brought this plague upon us!

-Relax, Father, it's just a flu.

-This is a punishment.

Like when Adam went out for ribs and went left from his plate,

transforming into Eve, the shoplifter of apples!

She stole from the friendly garden snake

and cursed mankind for all eternity!

Womankind, too!

Your sin heaves...

firmly up and down, bouncy-bouncy

with each magnificently wicked breath you take!

-It does?

Can we just not talk about these, please?

-Alright, everyone ignore Rafe's big juicy lady humps.

Boys, I need you to go scavenge us some pills.

Antivirals, antibiotics,

maybe some opiates for my personal use...

-Dwayne, eyes up here, man!

-Yeah, but ta-tas down here.

-Oh, whatever. We're on it, boss!

-You sure you're up for this? I can send Vijay.

He may not be trained like you but, at least, he's expendable.

-Hey!

-Shut up! We all know it's true.

-Uh...

-Argh! Come on, Judith!

If you can strip and rebuild an engine blindfolded,

you can find a way out of this hole.

(clanking)

(whooshing) Huh?

(suspenseful music)

Ah!

Keep it together, soldier!

This damn bunker's got you seeing things now!

Ah!

(♪ rock ♪)

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You find any meds?

-Just some prophylactics and stool softener. You?

-Nada! Bubkis!

Father Manilla was right. I'm being punished.

-Don't listen to him.

The guy eat dead flies and calls them "Angel raisins".

(shutter)

-Well, well, well, what do we have here?

-How am I supposed to be the tough guy with these gazongas?

-Mom has them. She's plenty tough.

-Now, I'm turning into mother? That's a slap in the face.

-You! Sweet meat!

You... you wanna party? (high pitch scream)

-I've been watching you

and I'm really digging the new look.

-You've been watching us? -Obviously!

By the way, what you're doing to those pumpkins bro,

it's... yeah, it's just not right, man.

I like your mutation,

a.k.a sweater puppies.

So, I got a little proposal.

-The answer is, "go to hell!"

-Easy, Rafe. Last thing we need is for you to get killed.

Who'd do your job?

-Hey! I know there's a virus going around.

And I know you two were out looking for meds.

I can make it rain meds up in here.

All I want in return is one night with Rafe.

-What? Get out of here.

No way! -Don't be so emotional!

Hear the man out! -Dwayne... Hands!

-What? It's not harassment if it's a dude.

(grunts)

-I know that sounds nuts,

but I felt a presence here.

And don't laugh at me, I'm not crazy.

-(AENUS): I'll suspend all laughter, mirth

and frivolousness protocols.

This is a safe space.

Hum, this ghost could have been a hallucination

brought on by a perimenopausal episode.

-Say that shit again, big boy,

and I'll hot flash your ass with an M-18.

-(AENUS): Alan Turing's poisoned apple,

did you see that?

-Okay, I'm going to need a bible, a jug of holy water,

a pump action thirty-ought six with silver bullets,

and a bottle of Tennessee mash.

-(AENUS): Superstition and sipping whiskey?

Why not try science and logic?

-The only thing stupid science will do

is bore that evil spirit to death.

Can ghosts even die?

What's the science on that?

-(AENUS): Oh...

-Manson's going to be back soon, let's hope he comes up empty.

-They seem any smaller to you?

-Honestly, if anything they look bigger.

-Oh God! That's why my lower back's killing me.

Like a knife of fire between my "vertegrades".

-Liking the way you move, hot stuff!

-Arch your back, Rafe! -Cursed vixen!

Parading your wares!

-Ignore them, Rafe. They're a bunch of pigs.

Besides, you got to save that sugar for me!

Oh! Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

-Alright, that is it!

Store this in your spank banks!

Because the next person who mentions my boobs

is gonna get it stuck in and broken off!

-And I thought mine were fricking hairy!

-Hey! Save some of that for daddy!

Just brought a down payment for our date.

There's allergy antihistamines.

Expectorants. Oop, analgesics!

-Oh... No...

-Loperamide...

-Oh, thank God! I'm running out of clean pants.

-You really think those electric doodads and whatnots

are going to stop an angry poltergeist?

-(AENUS): Yes. And one of my electric dingdongs

has detected an anomaly.

-I said, doodad. At least get it wrong right.

(gasp)

-(AENUS): But... -Looks harmless enough.

Kill it!

(lasers)

Try and hit something, will you?

-(AENUS): Don't worry, it won't escape my electron field.

-Your electron field done electron failed.

-(AENUS): Puns. Ha! -Alright.

Science didn't work, so we do it my way.

-(AENUS): Using superstition,

alcohol, and stuff you saw in movies?

-Bingo!

-Alright, Rafe, let's get go to my place.

Time to pay for your medicine.

-Come on, Rafe! Give him a little preview!

These meds are great, but we need a lot more.

-Hello! I like where this is going!

-Get your hands off of me!

I don't want to do this!

No offence or anything! I'm just... not into it.

-He probably just wants to motorboat your Jabongoes.

What's the harm?

(coughing and moaning)

-Ah, fine!

Just give me a minute to freshen up.

(sigh)

(fake laugh)

Sorry, guys! No way, I'm doing this! No way!

-Sweet meat! Come back!

Nobody ditches Manson Lawless!

If Rafe won't come home with me,

I'm taking... -Me?

Okay, Manson, but only because I totally want to help the town.

-You!

-You're gonna spend a night with Gabe?

-Nah. I'm just gonna kill him.

(sneezing) -(Rafe): Gesundheit!

-Thanks. Rafe?

-Don't yell! I snuck back.

I couldn't do it, Ana.

I know we need medicine, but... -Hey, it's okay.

I wouldn't want Manson's big weird hands touching me.

-Since I got these,

and everyone's been drooling over them,

I realized something...

-It's hard to find a decent bra?

-I know, right?

But that's not it.

I realized I owe you and Danika an apology...

-That's not important. You need to do something about Gabe!

-Did he sprout boobs, too?

-No! After you ran off, Manson took him!

-I'm on it!

-(AENUS): Is that to ward off the ghost, or to feed it soup?

-Go ahead and joke, but this will scare

the ectoplasm out of that sonofabitch.

-(AENUS): Isn't that for vampires?

-This will hurt anything unholy!

-(AENUS): And yet, you remain unaffected.

(whispers)

-Hiya!

-Seriously? What am I? Dracula?

-Okay, I'm gonna light a small fire under you,

not too big, just enough to let you sweat out

all the crap in your system.

I like my meat to be as free-range as possible.

-Sweating me to death and free-range

are two very different things!

(rock music from the truck)

-Huh?

♪

Mmmm!

-Rafe, you're here! Can you do that little run again?

-Let him go, Manson!

-Okay...

First, what an entrance!

Second, you rejected me!

It really hurt my feelings!

And I never let myself be that vulnerable.

-Huh?

Look, I'm really sorry.

And I promise I'll make it up to you with,

you know, boob stuff.

-Hum...

(scraping)

Deal!

Ow! Ow! Splinter!

-Okay. So, you're not a ghost. Then what the hell are you?

-Name's Bryce.

I got mutated into a form of gas,

so I can disassemble and reassemble at will.

It's kind of rad.

-(AENUS): I knew there was a scientific explanation!

-I used to work here, setting the place up.

Thought I'd see if any of my colleagues

made it in before the old muta-rama happened.

So... are you, like, the cleaning lady?

-No, but I'll mop the floor with you

if you don't tell me how you got in here.

-(AENUS): Is she always this hostile?

-(AENUS): I'll refrain from comment.

-I'll go get comfortable. Don't run away again.

You know what they say:

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice, I murder your whole town.

(whistling)

-You're going through with this? -Yep!

-But you have a knife in your boot, right?

Or a grenade up your butt? -Nope.

The boobs do not make the man, Gabe!

-What does that mean?

-I don't know! But it sounded cool.

Anyway, if the only thing standing between the town

and their medicine is me having a roll

in the hay with a hideous mutant,

then brother, it's time to roll... in hay!

-Well, better you than me, man!

-(Mason): Hurry up Rafe! Where's those big bouncy bazongas?

-I wish I could help you, but I'm a man who turns into a gas!

I got in here through tiny cracks and vents.

There's no way you could follow me out!

-Could you find my sons and tell them I'm down here?

Or at least get the word out about this place?

-(AENUS): Get the word out?

Oh, that won't do. That won't do at all.

(groaning)

-About time!

But I got to say, totally worth the wait.

Now on with the show!

(sensual music)

♪

(thumping)

-So, my boys are in St. Zephyr, know where that is?

-Yeah. I got a rough idea.

-Oh, Bryce! Thank you.

Hey, is it getting colder in here?

AENUS?

-Uh oh. This isn't good.

-Bryce, what's happening?

-(AENUS): Oh no! The sudden drop in temperature

is transforming Bryce from a gas to a liquid,

just as science would predict.

-AENUS! Turn off the heat!

-(AENUS): But... -Do it!

-Okay. Very well.

(falsely concerned): Oh no! It's too late. He's gone.

(mocking laugh) Thanks to science.

Ha! Ha! What do you know? I can laugh.

(chuckles)

Aw!

(burping)

(moaning)

-He did it.

They're alive!

-Who cares? Where's the medicine?

Oh!

(gulping)

-Hey, why am I suddenly attracted to Rafe again?

-Oh my god! How hard did he motorboat you?

-If you didn't have boobs, then what happened with Manson?

-Ha! -Ow!

-Come on!

(fake laugh)

Give me the meds, dipshit,

or I'll stomp your brains all over the bed!

-Hey, hey, hey, take it easy!

I wasn't going to hurt you!

(whimper)

-Huh... are you crying?

-Just... give me a sec.

(sobbing)

Look, man, don't laugh at me, but...

I got this kink.

-Dudes with boobs? -No!

The stuff that comes from boobs.

-Boners? No, you mean milk!

-Yeah! I got a fixation for lactation.

Uh...

Could you...

-If you want milk, why don't you hire some lady?

-I tried.

But mutants don't taste the same.

I need it from a Normie.

-Well, you could've just ask me. I would have said no, but still.

-I can't ask for stuff. I take it!

That's how Manson Lawless rolls. I got a rep to maintain.

Now that you know my dirty secret.

Please don't tell anyone I'm a... "lactophiliac".

-No idea what that word is. But look, man,

I don't know if these bazooks even have any milk in them,

but where I come from, a deal is still a deal.

♪

Uh... Actually, know what? I'm good, man.

You can just take the meds and go. We're square.

(gagging)

-You're gonna tell us what happened,

or just keep staring off? -Huh? Oh, right.

Long story short,

I kicked his ass and took the meds off him.

Now that this is over, all I want to do

is drink some Swole AF, pump some iron, and...

-Rafe, what exactly is in Swole AF?

(gulps)

-A blend of hand-picked ingredients I scavenged.

Whey protein, flaxseed, anti-dandruff shampoo,

creatine, and these daily vitamins.

-These aren't vitamins. They're birth control pills.

Loaded with estrogen.

-Poison?

-Lady hormones! That's why you sprouted breasts!

-Wow. Science is amazing, isn't it!

-So why are you still drinking it?

-Huh? I don't know. It's tasty?

-The facility is on full lockdown, general.

The computer's active.

And there's a woman in there.

-Go find out more.

-Oops, vapour finger!

He, he, he!

I'll just get those.

(suspenseful music)

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.