Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain matur(tense music)ter.

-Hm-hum... -Huh?

(gasp)

-Read them and weep, boys.

(groan) -You fricking poop!

You're supposed to be watching for Johndoe's tell!

-I got distracted by his perfect face!

-Grrr! -How about another hand?

-I was gonna leave you chodes a couple of double-As

for your vibrators, but if you insist... Ha!

(tense music)

-Hoo, baby! (gasp)

So many aces! -Argh!

His tell! He's got nothing.

-Then why am I... all in?

Ah, ah, ah!

And to make the pot sweeter,

I'll even throw in my Buttercrunch.

-What are you waiting for? Do it!

-I need these for my electric toothbrush.

I'm not using a regular one like a caveman!

(tense music)

-Let's see them!

-Pair of twos... and a pair of threes.

What do you know? The chodes win.

-Yes! Told you, go all in! (cheering)

-Well played, boys!

Enjoy those batteries! Oh, and... Buttercrunch?

-Master? -You belong to these chodes now.

-Uh, any of you cheap-asses gonna tip the dealer?

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(growling)

Did we ?

-Woah! We don't use the S-word. That's offensive.

Buttercrunch is an intern.

I don't pay him and he does whatever I say. Also, I own him.

-Still sounds pretty slavey.

-Nah! Look, it says "intern" right there on his shock collar.

Now, if he gets out of line, just use this remote

to give him a little love zap!

-Ga-ah-ah-ah!

Thanks, former master.

I'm sure I deserve that.

-Enjoy! And don't work him to death.

Unless you get off on that, in which case, go nuts.

-Hello, new masters!

Can I get you anything? OJ? BJ? HJ?

-No J's of any kind.

Look. Owning someone is wrong, Buttercrunch,

which is why we're setting you free!

-Yeah, totally!

Just to clarify.

Were these HJ's gonna be from you

or is there like a girl intern?

-Rafe! -Worth an ask!

-Hey!

-Did you not hear the part about the freedom?

-Oh, I did.

It's just that I've been a gofer, a trainee,

and a store greeter.

Humiliating myself for no reward is all I know.

-Poor guy! Tell you what.

You can stay with us until you get on your feet.

-Welcome to freedom, dude!

Just circling back. Were the BJ's gonna be from you or...

-Goddammit, Rafe!

(whirring)

-Go time!

Sweet freedom! Mama's coming! Ow!

Shit! -(AENUS): Hi, Judith!

What are you doing down here? Can I help you with anything?

Oh, are you trying to find a way out?

-No, dipshit, I dropped my phone in the toilet

and I thought I'd find it down here.

-(AENUS): I'll help you look!

Wow, it's so dark. Better turn my light up!

-Noooo! -Judith! Noooo!

(splash)

Oh good, the raw sewage broke your fall.

-Well, these will never be clean again.

Where should I chuck them?

What the hell is that thing?

-(AENUS): It's my Highly Optimized Leavings Ejector,

or HOLE.

A pressurized chamber that blasts

the bunker's useless garbage to the surface.

Rotting food, spent uranium, Friends DVDs.

It all gets squeezed out my HOLE.

-Hum... Interesting.

(squawk)

-Gabe! Wake up, bro!

-What's happening? Is it the robot apocalypse?

Robots, I'm sorry I kicked the vending machine! Oh!

-No, you nerd!

Somebody broke into the truck and totally cleaned it!

-Morning, masters! (gunshot)

I did a little tidying before breakfast.

(moaning)

I'll do more later.

-Buttercrunch, this is what I was talking about.

We're not your masters. We're all equals here.

-Equals. Totally! Totally! You're gonna eat that frittata?

-I mean, I guess a little help is fair trade.

We are giving you a place to stay.

But I promise, we'll treat you with dignity

and never take advantage of your goodwill.

(sighing)

-Buttercrunch, you gotta pump harder, man,

I'm starting to feel the burn. -Buttercrunch?

I said squeeze the blackheads!

These pores aren't gonna drain themselves.

-Yes, masters! Another cocktail?

-Jesus, I'm so drunk already...

I didn't say no!

Fill it up, intern!

-Oh wow! This is totally wrong.

-I can't let Buttercrunch not work out for me!

It would hurt his feelings!

Dude, pump harder! Come on!

-Relax, Danika!

With Buttercrunch doing our menial labour,

we have more time to protect St. Zephyr.

-Thanks, master!

Would you like me to mop that,

or lick it up like the dog that I am?

-Argh!

-Hum, new intern, huh?

Yumma, yumma.

-Could we rent him for the day, boys?

I got a job that'll probably cost a man his fingers.

-Sorry. Buttercrunch is not our property! He's a free man!

-We'll let you borrow my collection

of 80's workout videos.

-Hoo! Tight Spandex, Cold Studio!

I could...

perhaps be persuaded.

But only if Buttercrunch is OK with it!

-Literally incapable of saying no, master!

-Then it's a deal. Yoink!

(squeal)

-Dude, Suzette just put a leash on Buttercrunch.

-Probably so he doesn't get lost.

Oh, Camel Toes of Steel!

-(AENUS): Judith?

I know you're having a hard time being stuck in here,

so I baked you a friendship cake!

Judith?

Judith?

Delicious cakey-cake!

Come on, Judith!

Come on, Judith! Live a little!

Judith? Ah! Oh, my God!

-Six hours of workout videos!

I never want to hear the phrase "three more, two more" again!

-Speak for yourself. My calves are like granite.

And... I can't walk.

-Scrub faster, intern!

(scream of pain)

-Hey, that's not right!

-Dwayne, that is not how we treat Buttercrunch!

-Oh... Okay. Maybe not so bad.

-You gotta give him a double-tap to motivate him!

-Oh yes! Oh! Ah! Ah!

-Nope! Very, very, very bad!

-Oh! Oh!

(moaning)

-Oh! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

-Stop! Stop! This is monstrous!

-What's your problem? We had a deal!

-A deal to borrow Buttercrunch.

Not treat him like a human light bulb!

-Gah! -Sorry! Sorry!

-Oh, thank you, master! May I have another?

-No!

Listen, guys! Owning interns is wrong.

-Oh, so when it was your intern, it was okay.

But now that we're zapping,

then suddenly we're the bad guys!

-Ah, ah, ah! -Hey!

You just lost your Buttercrunch privileges.

Not that I own him. He's a free man!

-Bullshit! Buttercrunch is ours for another eight hours!

-And if he's free like you say,

let him decide if he wants to get shocked like a lab monkey!

-Don't you get it?

He's been mistreated so long, he has no free will. See?

-Ah! Very refreshing, master!

May we do one more? It's kind of the only way I feel alive now.

-Too bad! You traded him fair and square.

-Well, then I demand a town meeting

to settle the internship question once and for all!

-Oh! Ah! Leg day, am I right?

Are they done with Buttercrunch?

I need him to go jogging for me.

What? Problem?

-(AENUS): Why, Judith? Why would you kill yourself?

Just because you were trapped here forever

with no chance of escape?

(message signal)

"You have a new video suicide message from Judith." Oh, fun!

-Hi AENUS.

By the time you see this, I will be dead.

Sliced up like a cold deli tray. But don't feel sad.

Just blast my body out of here with the other garbage

(enthusiastically): to sweet freedom!

Of... death.

Of death.

Sweet freedom of death.

Just squeeze me out your HOLE already!

-(AENUS): There's only one course of action.

I must fulfill Judith's last wish

and blast her remains out my HOLE.

Right after I give her a fitting send-off.

Initiating funeral mode.

(organ music)

And undertaker mode.

Now where did I store the vacuum

for sucking out her entrails?

-Citizens of St. Zephyr, we're here to settle a burning issue:

What? To ban or to allow the owning of interns?

-To tolerate interning is to tolerate inhumanity!

(applause)

-Interning is a resume-builder!

It's how you break into the business...

of being owned by someone.

(applause)

-Interns are... like, bad and stuff.

I mean, one slip with that iron

and he'll turn my nards into dim sum.

-Some people are born to be interns!

It's unfair not to let them live up to their potential!

-Interning corrupts the soul!

-This country was built on unpaid interns!

-There's interns in the Bible, so that makes it okay!

-My shorts are seriously on fire!

-We must banish the dehumanizing scourge of internships

from our town.

And say, not here! Not now! Not ever!

(applause)

-Fab speech, Master. Shrimp skewers sautéed?

-Hoo, is that lemon garlic?

Wait! No! Stop interning goddammit!

-You bet, master. I'll just clean that up.

Or would you prefer I eat it off the floor

while you watch and masturbate?

-(sighing): Can we just vote already?

-The intern doesn't get a vote.

I'm just saying.

-(AENUS): Such a sad end.

But I'm going to give Judith

the best going away present ever.

A beautiful corpse!

First, to drain her fluids

and replace them with liquid plastic.

Hum, bit of rigor mortis.

Better get some straps to hold down the body.

(grunts)

-(AENUS): What?

Aww, AENUS, you idiot! You forgot to lock off the injector,

and now she'll be hideous forever!

You're a failure as a PTSD therapist!

Your only client killed herself!

You should just delete yourself!

If you'd done that before, maybe it would've ended the lockdown

and Judith could've gotten out,

instead of turning herself into a red puddle!

-(whispering): AENUS, it's me again.

Before I checked out,

I came to realize that you're a sentient being,

full of complex emotions and whatnot.

So no matter how bad it gets,

no matter how dark the night may seem...

it's totally okay to just go ahead and kill yourself.

Then we can be together forever.

-(AENUS): If that's what Judith wants, I'll do it.

Right after her funeral.

I mean our funeral.

(gasp)

-Six votes for. Three against.

The ayes have it.

Internships are hereby banned in St. Zephyr!

-Ah geez! (cheering)

-We did it! Yay us!

Wait, three votes?

Who else voted for internships?

-What? He makes really good frittatas.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

-Buttercrunch, you're free to go.

Actually, you kind of have to go.

-Can't I just stay and help out like,

what's the word, a volunteer? -No. Time to fly free.

Butterfly?

-Can I at least visit?

I'll do chores. You can shock me?

Ah, ah, ah! It'll be like you own me again!

-Buttercrunch from now on, your only owner is you.

-Please! Someone tell me what to do!

I'm so confused!

Oh yes!

-Go! Do as I say and be free already! Dammit!

Take the hint!

(whimpering)

Now, where were we?

Oh yeah, yay us! Right?

-Normo scum! Where is my intern?

-Uh, Buttercrunch is not your intern.

-Howdy, boys! Funny story.

Manson gave me a big down payment on Buttercrunch,

which I kinda forgot.

Right after I skipped town with it.

-Where. Is. My. Intern?

-Let go of my brother!

Ah! Dammit! I'm weaker than a suckling pig.

Buttercrunch was slacking when he did my workouts for me!

-You're too late, Lawless! We set him free!

-Then you cockroaches will take his place

as my new interns!

-(together): Gah!

-Gee, boys. I'd help you,

but interns aren't allowed in St. Z.

What a pickle. You do rentals?

(groaning)

(moaning)

-Grind faster, intern slime!

(screaming)

-Buttercrunch lied!

Getting shocked isn't fun. It sucks!

-Cram it, Normo!

How much irradiated corn have you ground for me today?

-Let me start by saying that it's been a steep learning curve

to figure out the Wheel of Pain...

-How much corn?

-One kernel? Oh...

-Huh? Argh!

(growling)

Guys, I'm sorry. I don't think this internship is working out.

-Yeah! No! Not at all. -Great call, master!

-Which is why I've decided to sell you.

Of course, you're so puny and worthless,

your new owner will probably just turned into meat paste,

but, ha, ha, that's up to them.

But hey, bright side!

All this Wheel of Pain experience

will look stellar on your resumes!

-(AENUS): I'll begin this celebration of our lives

with some of my most precious memories of our time together.

When it ends, it'll trigger this robot arm

to delete my algorithm,

sending me hurtling into the icy embrace of the void.

What an amazing life I led.

Hey, look, it's the time I replaced my own A-5097 fuse!

Ha! Ha! What a crazy day.

Before your time.

Ah, look! That's time I thought that crack in the wall

looked like Bradley Cooper.

Wow, that crack looks like Bradley Cooper!

Ugh. No, it's just Shia LaBoeuf.

-(quietly): Argh!

-This is awful. Someone's gonna buy us and turn us into meat.

-Be positive, bro.

All these people are coming to see us!

(garbling): We are gonna get so owned!

-Let the auction begin!

We got two lazy, feeble interns,

fit for target practice or as disposable sex toys.

I'll start the bidding at one double-A battery.

We got one double-A, now two.

Will you give me two?

Two battery bid to the gentleman in the bloody hockey mask.

Now three! Come on, give me three.

Three double-As from the lady missing half the face.

-Ha! Mom said we'd never amount to anything!

Well, look who's worth three double-A batteries now!

(sob)

(burp)

-(AENUS): Last one.

My final, most precious memory of all.

The moment you came into my life...

-Johndoe, open the door!

Or so help me I'll rip your nuts off

and feed them to you on a bed of rigatoni!

-(AENUS): That was the moment my life finally had purpose.

But that purpose is gone now...

It's been a good life.

I've seen things you wouldn't believe, Judith.

Like that wall over there, and that chair...

And the time a leaf blew in here,

flittering in the dark near the service entrance.

All those moments will be lost in time,

like files on a floppy disk.

Time to die.

-Screw you, robot!

No one fingerbangs AENUS but me!

-(AENUS): Judith?

-Huh...

Resurrected!

Ah! Oh no!

Wait! Dying!

-40 double-As, do I hear 41?

No? 40 double-As going once, going twice...

-50! 50 double-As!

We pooled our batteries. We're gonna buy your freedom!

-Dude, we're saved!

-Thank god! I'd make a terrible sex puppet.

-50 battery bid! That's the big 5-0!

Now, 51? Will you give me 51?

-Shit, we're out. Sorry, guys!

-51 batteries going once, going twice, and...

-Look everyone,

I know interns are the easy way to go,

but owning another person has a price beyond batteries.

It's more than that. It costs you your soul!

-Ah...

And without any soul,

how are we gonna rebuild our world?

-Ah...

-No one wants to rebuild squat!

Now shut up so I can sell you.

-AENUS! Help me!

-(AENUS): You faked your death?

You were ready to let me kill myself?

I don't think that's being a good friend.

-You're right. I'm a shitty friend.

And you're... an OK friend!

Ugh, fine! A really good friend!

-(AENUS): Aw, thanks.

-Why did you have to hold this stupid funeral anyway?

Why couldn't you just hurry up and blast me out of your hole?

-(AENUS): Everything shot out of there gets liquefied first.

You would have been blended into a pulp

and splattered out onto the wasteland.

-Oh. You mean... like this?

God damn! Why didn't I think of that earlier?

-Alright, I had a bid of 51 batteries

going once, going twice and...

-100 batteries!

-Huh? -Sold!

To the four-armed man I used to own!

-Buttercrunch! Oh, thank you!

-It was wrong to use you as our intern, my friend.

I'm just glad you can look past that, and buy our freedom.

-Freedom?

No, no, no, you chodes belong to me now.

-Oh, piss-balls.

-I know this looks bad.

But think of it as a resume-builder.

-At least he'll be merciful,

having once been an intern himself.

-Shut up, human garbage!

-(together): Gah, ah, ah!

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.