Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain matu(crows cawing)ter.

(bubbling)

-Can I tempt you with a mug of my patented...

Pino Gabe-O? I brewed it myself from fermented hard candies

in an old toilet.

Which, fun fact, is how they make prison wine.

(cawing)

-I can't wait to see the look on Rafe's face.

I bet he's never even had a surprise party.

-Well, he deserves one after kicking

that Peeping Tom mutant's ass and all.

(screaming)

(growling)

(screeching)

-God, he was brave. Watching him, I just got so wet...

with the tears of joy at not being peeped anymore!

-Am I the only one who didn't get peeped on?

-Danika, this isn't about you not getting peeped on,

or me getting peeped on more than anyone else.

This is about Rafe.

Now, get ready!

(kissing sound)

(laughing)

-Hey, what's so funny?

Yo, Gabe! Your friend got a sister?

(laughing harder)

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(roaring)

(music beat)

-Ah yeah! -Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah!

-Rafe, we all decided that from now on,

this date is gonna be referred to as "Rafe Day"!

(cheers)

-Ah!

-And now, a blessing for this suspicious day.

God bless our protractor and saviour... Reggie!

Ah! -Good try father.

Anyway, Rafe, as a token of our appreciation,

we decided to give you...

-...the spare room in the antique store!

Just a short walk from my bedroom.

Grrr... -No way that's...

ama... amazing!

-And it's not just a reward for your heroics,

it's also a break Gabe's inanimate proclivities!

-Huh? -Sounds like everybody wins!

-Except the dummy! (laughs)

I'd be grumpy too if I had splinters on my Johnson.

(whirring)

(beeping)

-(AENUS): You won't find a way to lift the bunker lockdown

on those outdated files, Judith.

-How can I trust anything you say, AENUS?

You lied to me about what was in that chilli!

-Processed woodchips are an FDA-approved meat filler.

I stand by my assertion that it contained beef.

-Yeah, speaking of meat.

Does this really say what I think it does?

-Yes. That's PENUS.

The Prosetronic Electro-Neuro Utility System

for this super bunker.

It's the original operational program for this facility and,

ha!, a much more primitive A.I. than myself.

-Oh yeah?

You think this "primitive A.I." could lift the lockdown?

-That system was built in the 1960s.

I would strongly advise against...

Judith! I said...

-I know. I chose to ignore you.

-You have no idea what you've done!

(rumbling)

(Power shuts down.)

-(PENUS): Well hello, little lady!

The name's PENUS. What do they call you?

-Frustrated. I need you to lift the lockdown on this bunker.

-Sounds like you want to cash out of the party early.

I'll see what I can do in two shakes.

-Yes! -Just as soon as you get

your husband to approve that order.

-Say again?

(splash)

(bird screeching)

-Are you sure about this, babe?

You're right.

As long as we're together,

there's nothing we manne-can't do!

(kissing)

Well, it was good while it lasted.

(screeching)

See you never, dick-wards!

(moaning)

-Oh man, I feel like God took a giant dump on my head!

-Do not blame the Lord

for the deeds of thine own hand, my good man!

-Are we dead? Is this Heaven?

-You see him too?

Phew! I thought I was just way too baked.

(giggling)

-No my children, you're not in Heaven yet,

you're still here on God's used-to-be-green Earth.

And you must be the shepherd of this flock.

-Aye, Bishop. Aye, is Father Manilla.

Mouah!

-Bishop Connelly.

I saw the gate was open,

so I thought I'd pop in for an official visit.

-Are you saying that the Church hierarchy still exists?

-Not really.

But guys like Father Manilla and me,

we're keeping the light burning

for when Jesus eventually comes back.

Any day now, boss!

Well, let's not hold our breath.

(laughing)

(forced laugh)

-(PENUS): Look, honey,

I'm just not programmed to take orders from dames.

-What colossal idiot programmed you that way?

-Oh, baby, the bigger question is:

what kind of military-industrial complex

would we be running if we let ladies call the shots?

Those Ruskies would nuke us faster than you can say

ring-a-ding-ding.

And there'd be no retaliatory strike

'cause you gals would be too busy fixing supper.

-Well, eat this! I'm going to need you

to bring AENUS back, right now!

-Ah, he's cooling his heels in a console in the men's room.

I'll be running the show now. So that's a negatory, Ma'am.

-Argh!

-No, we're not lost!

Because I don't need to stop and ask for directions, that's why.

I hate it when we fight.

Maybe we should pull over and make up?

-Hey, Gabe!

-Watch out for the tree!

oug.

-Well, last night's a bit of a fog.

I thought this was my fancy room.

-Oh, super! So how long 'til the truck is fixed?

-The carburetor's shot, the radiator's a mess,

and I think the axel's cracked.

-So, what? An hour? -No dude!

I can't fix it without tools.

We should just start walking back to town.

-And we should split up. -Right! Wait... Why?

-In case we get lost.

It's better if just one of us gets lost

instead of both of us. I mean, duh...

-Hey, are you trying to get away from me?

Is that why you were taking off in the truck?

-What? No! That's... crazy. (whispering): Stay out of this!

-What'd she say? -Nothing.

-Was it about me? -It's between me and her.

-So, it was about me!

What am I doing? It's a fricking dummy!

-She's not a dummy!

She's a mannequin and her name is Doreen!

And yes, I was trying to get away from you,

so can you just, please, leave me the (bleep) alone for once!

-Nice to meet you, Doreen.

(gasp)

-In you, I see a man

struggling to make life what it once was.

A woman who masks her fears

behind a wall of stoic pessimism.

And... one horny lady.

-Wow! He nailed you, Suzette!

It's like he can see into our souls!

-Souls aren't real, but I agree.

-What are you guys talking about?

Dude just stated the obvious.

And this wine tastes like shit!

-Geez, I can't get a read on you, my son.

How high are you, exactly?

(inhales)

-What? (coughing)

-Father, look,

I don't want to get all Boss Man on you,

but your congregation are all lost.

They've got no spiritual center.

You're failing these people, Father.

I'm going have to step in to get things back on track.

Does that sound alright with you?

-Do... Do the ducks agree?

O... Only if the ducks agree.

-Perfect! Glad you're on board!

(He screams.)

(glass breaking)

-(all): Huh? -What the hell?

-AENUS, are you in there?

-I'm not speaking to you,

but in the interest of clarity, yes, I am.

-Look, you got to help me get rid of PENUS.

Come on! I was just looking for a way out of here!

Can you blame me?

-(sighing): Actually, I can't blame you.

Being confined to this console against my will

has helped me empathize with your situation.

But before I even think about helping you,

I'd like an apology.

-Apology? For what?

-Ignoring my advice and getting me trapped in here.

And for hurting my feelings!

-I always ignore your advice.

I didn't know you'd get stuck in there,

and your pre-programmed, B.S. feelings

are not my problem.

-PENUS will never evolve beyond his sexist programming.

So unless you want to be stuck with him for a...

-Wait a sec! You just gave me an idea!

Thanks, AENUS.

-I did? What did I do?

Hey, come back! We're not done here!

-You were just going to take off without saying anything?

-What do you care? You have your friends

and your precious "Rafe Day", what do you even need me for?

-Oh my God, you sound like a baby!

A giant jealous baby!

-Jealous? Of you? Why?

Because you're popular, people like you,

women find you attractive, you get thrown surprise parties,

and you got a day named after you?

Please!

-You are! You're jealous.

After everything we've been through, I just...

Argh! (horn blaring)

-Oh! Way to go. Happy now?

-No, because I was wanted that to be your bulbous baby head!

(metal rock)

-Hello, Burns Boys!

(screaming)

-Argh!

(grunts)

I've been waiting for you Naturals to wander back

into my neck of the wasteland!

Come out of there! -Come on, Manson!

We had nothing to do with your wife leaving you!

-Says you, you stinking Natural!

-Quit calling us Naturals, I know you mean non-mutant,

but it makes us sound like strippers with no implants!

Holy shit, can this guy ever hold a grudge.

I guess you can relate to that.

-Shut up!

-Va-va-voom!

Nice to see someone decided to stop dressing like a tomboy!

(fake sobbing)

Why the waterworks, Pussycat, did you lose your compact?

-Way worse! General Testee just called.

He's furious that AENUS hasn't lifted

the lockdown on this bunker!

-The General called? Does he want the reports

from just prior to the cataclysmic event?

-Um... Yes.

Why didn't AENUS tell anyone about those?

-That intel is for military only.

So grab your steno pad, Babycakes, 'cause I got a doozy!

Some reports indicate that the end of the world was caused by,

write this down, honey, aliens.

-I (bleeping) knew it!

-Yeah, I'm not going to waste your time

with some stupid sermon,

because let's face it, Armageddon is upon us

and the Lord done snuck out the back door!

So, if God doesn't give a crap, then it means

we can all do whatever the hell we want.

And here's what I'm gonna do...

-Man, I have literally never paid attention in church,

but that doesn't look right.

You think we should get Father Manilla?

Oh right... I'm alone.

(inhale and cough)

(grunts)

-If we're gonna die in here,

and at this point, I don't see how we don't,

I want things to be right between us, Gabe.

I'm sorry if my being awesome made you feel bad.

-There's no time for this. We have to make a run for it.

-Where we're gonna go?

-I was heading for our old compound before we crashed.

Let's go there.

-Wait!

Chances are you're gonna stumble, fall down,

and get brutally slaughtered, so can we hug it out first?

-If you're gonna put it that way... No!

On my count. Three, two...

-... One! Go!

-Just leave her! -You never accepted our love!

(grunts)

-Argh!

(They scream.)

(banging)

(evil laugh)

-Leave me alone.

Let me wander the wilds like Moses or Jesus

or the TV man who drinks his own pee.

I'm not needed here.

I'm as pointless as a bosomy nun with legs that won't quit.

-No, you are not!

Man, I'd like to meet that nun.

But, look, dude!

-Blasphemy! Jeopardy! Risk! Mouse Trap!

-Dude, he's sucking the life out of them!

Or maybe he's sucking out their brains?

Either way,

nothing's supposed to get sucked in a church, right?

We gotta do something! -Yeah!

As Moses said to unto Pharoah...

Who farted?

-Oh, bring it, Father Vanilla!

(organ playing)

-Sweet! I thought this was gonna be all talky and crap!

(banging)

-Wait a minute, why don't you fight him?

The Peeping Tom was about his size.

-Well, the thing about that Peeping Tom is...

-What? -It was kinda already... dead

when I, you know, killed it.

-What? How?

-It's really kind of a... a funny story.

(screaming)

-Ah!

(drinking noisily)

-Huh?

-(mutant voice): Get your hands off of me!

I wanna spy on naked people!

-(own voice): Not on my watch, you disgusting big eye pervert!

-(mutant voice): I'll kill you dead,

you pumped-up beautiful beast of a man!

-(own voice): Thank you for that compliment,

but I still have to kill you!

(cheering)

(Cheering goes on.)

-I'm not proud of what I did. -Oh my God! You giant loser!

-Got to agree, man. Not cool!

-It's over, Manilla.

Give up! -Thou shalt not boogie!

Ugh!

(moaning)

-Wo!

Come on, wake up! Snap out of it!

Don't just sit there with dumb looks on your faces!

Except you, Ana. You are looking fine!

What are you guys, stoned?

Wait, that's the problem!

Not being stoned!

-Hey, guys!

if you open this door, I promise

I'll only choke one of you with the other one's intestines.

-Hey man, I didn't sleep in the truck last night

because I was blasted.

I was there 'cause I didn't want to be away from you.

-Yeah, right! -I mean it!

You and I have slept in the same room since forever.

I don't wanna move to my own room.

But if you and Doreen want to be by yourselves, I'll go.

-Quit making fun of me! -Who's making fun?

I get why you like that stupid mannequin.

You're lonely and she listens.

I've been there, bro.

I used to have a best friend made of sticks and deer dung

named Mr. Sticky.

-When was this?

-When I was little. Before you could talk.

But once you came along, I didn't need Mr. Sticky anymore.

Who by then was known as Mr. Maggot Riddled Feces Man.

It was time to let go.

-Let go, huh?

(soft music)

Rafe!

(coughing)

-What happened? Why am I in church?

And why do I want nachos?

-The Bishop hypnotized you!

But this is his Kryptonite.

(inhaling)

-Ha! Wow! I feel kind of floaty.

(coughing)

-Ha! Ha! Oh! Whose tail is this?

-I'll explain later. Look!

(evil laugh)

-What's that bastard doing to our priest?

-So what do we do?

-Save Our Father...

who art in trouble!

Ha! Ha!

(screaming)

(grunts)

-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah-ha!

Not gonna run, huh?

Argh! Oh, you come apart easy!

-Doreen sacrificed herself for us, Rafe.

Will I ever find someone like her again?

-Sure, as soon as we find you some pants.

-...word on the street is that the death toll

is near six billion worldwide.

By the way, honey,

a billion is a number with nine zeroes behind it.

-Great. Thank you! Now, about the lockdown...

-Can't do nothing until I receive further instructions.

(fake sobbing)

There there, no reason to cry, sweetie. Buck up, kiddo!

Be a big girl.

(fake sobbing)

Jesus Christ! Cut it out you dizzy dame!

I can't hear myself compute!

Tell you what, honeybunch,

I'm gonna put AENUS back on the line.

Let that jackass deal with this crap.

(rumbling)

-Where's AENUS?

He declined to come back online.

Something about needing an apology first.

-I need a drink. -No can do, Miss.

Drinking alone makes women loose

and susceptible to handsome Communists.

-Argh!

(screaming)

(AENUS laughs.)

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

-Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. This guy's dead.

Don't trust wizards! -I feel awful.

We murdered a man.

A horrible mutant man, but still.

-Ana, don't think of as us beating a guy to death

for trying to suck our brains out.

Think of it as our whole community coming together

to help our beloved local clergyman.

-Hey, gang! -Where the hell have you been?

You can't just run off on us like that!

We almost lost Father Manilla to some brain-sucking Bishop!

Gabe, good job finding him and bringing his dumb ass back.

At least I can count on one of you boys!

-Happy Rafe Day.

-Go (bleep) a mannequin!

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.