Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain mature (swoosh)matter.

(grunts)

-Hey, sexy lady! Ow! Watch it!

-Huh?

-I mean, "good shot, Father!"

So, what you're doing later?

-Not playing Mrs Clause and the Randy Reindeer!

-Oh, come on!

You know Mama Clause loves grabbing these antlers.

-Ssh! Not so loud.

-Ah... Bullseye!

-Hi, Ana!

Um, you're looking fine today... Nice! Nice! Fine!

Okay, start over. Deep breath!

(deep breath)

Would you like to have a drink with me?

-What do you say?

You, me, hot sweaty action in Pound Town...

69 minutes?

-A drink sounds nice.

Gabe!

-Yes!

Operation Gabe gets a Babe phase one, check!

-Half-lizard! Half-vulture! Half-kitten!

Swooped down! Took Chudley! Flew off with him!

Let's go!

-You're crazy.

The smart thing would be to let Chudley die.

Come on... Basic suvival!

Why risk it for someone who's already dead?

-Least you won't have to have that drink with Gabe.

Ha! Poor kid couldn't get laid in a women's prison

with a fist full of pardons.

-Ha! Ha! And neither will you tonight, big guy!

(moaning)

Slow your roll, padre!

Those darts belong to the house!

(hysterical laugh)

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(growling)

(screaming and shooting)

(shrill cry)

-Hey, there's a little thing called "aiming",

you might want to try it!

-You try hitting "Hello Shitty" up there

without hurting Chudley!

Ha!

(squawking)

(panting)

-This adult book section is very...

Few actual books.

-But they got edible underwear.

(sniffing) Imagine wearing your own lunch.

Ah... -Rafe!

(sucking)

(grunts)

-Ah! There's my big guy!

Aw, look how happy he is to see us.

(burping)

-What is this place? It's so... scientific.

-Well, maybe you can take Ana here for your stupid date

and have a big fat nerd-gasm together!

-Sounds like somebody's got a case of peanut butter...

and jealous! -Me? Jealous of you?

Not a chance. But I would have appreciated the heads up.

I was gonna ask her out.

-Well, you snooze, you lose.

-I never snooze, man!

I'm laser focus at all time! Argh!

Ow!

Hey! What's this?

Maybe the machine that makes undewear edible? Get in!

-I doubt that's what this does.

But if you can pick a flavour, make mine lentil soup.

-Hi! Hi! Hi!

(gasp)

Ha! Ha! Ha!

-No, no, no!

(Gabe): Chudley!

(screaming)

(Gabe): Wow, Rafe! You're really tall.

And my breath smells like ass!

(barking) -Yeah, yeah, little buddy.

You're fine. Come on, let's go!

-(Gabe): What the hell, man?

I got a date in two hours

and a bad case of mange on my nards.

(wings flipping)

-(AENUS): What are you up to, Judith?

-Duh! Building a urine filter for drinking water.

What's it look like? -(AEON): But we have water.

-For all I know, you put antidepressant

or some shit in it. I'll make my own. Thanks.

Speaking of making water.

I was looking for the head in this section,

and found this.

Why is that locked? Does it lead outside?

-(AENUS): Ha-ha! No, that doesn't go outside.

It's classified. -I want to see.

-(AENUS): You know I can't allow that.

-How about now? -(AENUS): Shooting one console

won't affect me. I have consoles all over this bunker.

-You're right. -(AENUS): Stop it!

That's not funny. -Who knows?

I might get a twitch in my finger and... Boom!

-(AENUS): Okay. Okay, fine!

Just lower the gun. Where did you get that anyway?

-From the armory.

Which wasn't locked, I might add.

-(AENUS): Ta-da! Office furniture storage.

Nothing to see here.

-Well, butter my backside and call me a biscuit!

What is all this?

-(AENUS): Nothing! Nothing at all!

Let's discuss your sexual fantasies.

Do they always involve dairy products?

(electric guitar)

(grunts)

-Ah! Ah! Ah!

-I'm horny, lonely

and I need booze. What do you got?

-Go to the Brew N' Chug!

Get drunk and diddle that hole in the wall.

-That's not an option tonight

and I need to get blasted to forget

this dumbass day ever happened.

Come on!

You don't know what it's like to be totally sex-deprived!

(giggling)

-Oh, I have some idea. Alright, fine!

But I need you to promise to keep it a secret.

-Yeah, yeah, whatever!

This is garbage! I don't feel a...

Ah... Ah...

(psychedelic music)

♪

♪

Ow! What is that stuff?

-It's, huh, just one of those weird post-apocalyptic things.

-No shit. Everything is one of those. What's in this?

-Okay, but don't freak! They're Johnny's tears.

-Huh, cool name, but what is it?

-Johnny's actual tears.

They're like the best magic mushrooms ever!

I stumbled on it once... when he cried during sex.

-She bit my nipple!

-Well, I've got to have more! -Hang on!

First time is on the house. Second one's gonna cost you.

(yelling)

Hey! No freebie!

Get your teeth off those nips!

(barking)

-(Gabe): Rafe! You got to listen!

My mind went into Chudley's body and his mind is in me!

-Man, Chudley's yappy today.

Think he needs his anal gland squeezed out again?

(sniffing)

I said, "do you think Chudley's got another blockage

in his butt sacks?"

Oh, I see.

You think I'm gonna take care of it

while you're out making awkward moves on Ana.

-Where did this thing come from?

-It's God's retribution for the evil trinity!

All-in-one shampoo, conditioner and body wash!

-Argh! (Rafe screaming)

(grunts)

-Ah, it knows how to fight! Ah, ah!

(growling)

(barking)

-(Gabe): Phew! At least no one's touching my anal gland now.

-Let me go, you freak!

Or at least keep that hand with dick-fingers away from me!

(barking and growling)

Throw a punch, Gabe!

You don't know where that butt's been!

Man, cut your toenails!

(growling)

(howling)

(howling)

(howling)

Yikes! Get a room!

Nice one, Gabe!

I mean, that's a pussy way to fight. But whatever works.

Gross! You bit an ass with that mouth!

-Wow, Gabe!

Fighting that mutant to save Rafe?

You're insane, but hella ballsy!

-Is it me or is Gabe being weird?

I've never seen him kick ass like that

and he hasn't said a word since we left the Dildo Depot.

-So, you're ready for that drink?

-That is some bullshit right there.

I am so glad I taught you how to teabag him

when he's sleeping.

-(Gabe barking): That should be me. I mean me-me, not him-me!

Wait, did you say teabag?

(psychedelic music)

(moaning)

-Oh yes! Yes! Oh-oh!

How's that, baby? Did I hit your "pearl"?

Oh!

Again! I got more babes begging for my loving!

-What are you offering? Beside another bag of corn nuts!

-But you've got everything I own!

-Those babes are just gonna have to disappoint themselves.

-Please! I got to get back in that clam shell!

I'll do anything!

-Tell you what Dwayne,

you could send Rafe and Gabe to scavenge some stuff for me.

Here's a list. -Ah!

"Protein powder, shake weights, toe socks, home waxing kit,

life-sized, anatomically correct inflatable Vin Diesel doll?"

Seriously?

-It's a pool floatie.

-I'll get you everything.

Except de Diesel doll. No one makes does.

Just give me the tears!

Oh! Ah!

-Now I see why dealing drugs

was so fun for you back in the day.

-If he offers to blow us for drugs, I'm out.

Too many confusing memories. (munching)

-I've always seen relationships through an evolutionary lens.

They don't actually mean anything

other than the perpetuation of our species.

Or maybe that's just my way of keeping people at a distance.

But I gotta say, Gabe, I always thought you were weird

and awkward and, kind of off-putting.

Sorry.

But I'm seeing a side of you that I've never seen before.

And I kind of like it.

(panting) (Ana giggles.)

-What the even hell? He didn't do anything

and she still put the moves on him?

(panting and barking)

-Hey! Great, the dog's got more game than I do.

(barking)

-(Gabe): You giant dingus!

We have to go switch me back into my own body!

-Wait a second...

The lab!

-(Gabe): Yes! The lab! Thank you!

-Obviously Gabe's a chick-magnet

because he got zapped by that machine!

I should go "moojo" my mojo like he did.

(barking)

-(Gabe): How stupid are you?

This is why I'm a dog and everything sucks right now!

Except being able to lick myself.

That part's actually amazing!

-Oh, this is incredible!

Files on every single dirty trick

and black op the damn Government ever pulled.

-(AENUS): I think you've seen enough.

-Oh, come on, AENUS,

this is the most entertainment I've had in weeks!

-(AENUS): No, Judith, as I said...

(gunshot)

That was my politeness and profanity filter, you asshole!

-Whatever! Unlock them all! Tout de suite!

-(AENUS): Fine. Go ahead.

Breach national security. (bip) do I care?

Oh, looks like someone found the (bip) Area 51 file.

The goddamn Kennedy assassination file?

Oh yeah! Yeah, he survived.

Lived in a (bip) bunker just like this one

with Marilyn Monroe until 1986.

Or is that about the fake moon landing?

They had to let Kubrick make (bip) Barry Lyndon

in exchange for keeping that little caper under wraps.

Johndoe Cobretti?

Who the (bip) is that?

Sounds like a guy who makes snuff movies.

-Ana, you've had enough!

It's Suzette's turn on the Dwayne train!

Yeah! Oh yeah!

-Hey! Leave me outta your "perv-apalooza"!

-More tears! More tears! I can't stop!

-I'm fresh out. And it'll take me a day

to dredge up enough suppressed trauma to fill another bottle.

-Please, I need it. I'll do anything!

Seriously. Nothing's too sick.

I'll let you whip my ass raw with your monkey tail!

Or Johnny, I'll lick the lint out of your chubby rolls!

Lick them real good.

-There's no more tears, Dwayne. Go home.

-Come on! Argh!

-Ow! Why did you do that for?

-Ah!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Here comes the ladies!

There go the thongs! I'm back in Poon-Tang City!

Oh yeah! Ha! Ha! Ha!

-Don't let anyone know I went to get my mojo jacked.

It's just our little secret, okay?

(barking)

-(Gabe): Wait! What if you switch brains with a housefly!

Actually, know what? Go right ahead. I need a nap anyway.

(screaming)

(yawning): Crap, now I have to do stuff!

-(Gabe): You're a bad dog Chudley!

How could you sleep with her? How?

Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.

Doggy-style, of course! Whatever.

We gotta go! Rafe's in trouble.

(whining) No!

You don't have time for morning sex!

-Gabe?

I'll wait for you.

(Gabe): Hang on!

Sorry! Can't help myself! -Hey!

-(AENUS): What the (bip) wrong with you?

You look sadder than a handsome man with a tiny dick.

Profanity filter's still buggy.

-Did you know him? -(AENUS): This Cobretti (bip)?

No! -He's the son of a bitch

who locked me in here.

He's also the asshole who got me pregnant

and then faked his own death when he found out.

-(AENUS): Baller move!

-Hey, your filter! -Not sorry!

-And what really burns me is he probably died in the Apocalypse,

so I'll never get the satisfaction

of curb-stomping his ass.

Or shoving his face into a wood chipper.

Or castrating him with a rusty butter knife.

I've daydreamed a lot of scenarios.

-(AENUS): Calm down, ho.

AENUS is here! I've got a shitload of self-help books

on this mother (bip) hard-drive.

-I don't want therapy!

I want revenge!

Revenge is the best therapy!

Put that on a T-shirt.

(shotgun)

(AENUS giggling)

-(AENUS): You dumb broad! Ha! Ha!

You just blew out my giggle filter.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

(tentative howling)

-Oh come on! It worked for Gabe!

(shrieks)

Don't you freaks ever give up?

Yo ass-face,

do me a solid and hit that button!

(screaming)

(psychedelic music)

-Hey, where did everybody go?

Carmen? You came back!

My wife came back!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

-Yeah, Father. We found him like this under the billboard.

-Carmen! Carmen! Come back!

Suzette, my wife came back to me!

-The devil has taken him!

He's destined for the eternal torments of hell!

Like the suffering wretch in the drive-thru line

who never gets closer to the window!

He needs an exorcism!

-Father, he's not possessed, he's a junkie!

-Who care? Let's just go!

-Now for the sacred jumper cables...

-Huh? (yelling)

(motor stalling)

-(Gabe): Jesus, Chudley! Where the hell did you learn to drive?

(barking)

(Gabe): What, watching me? Oh, you're (bip) funny!

(barking)

(grunting)

(Gabe): They're gonna break the machine!

(grunting)

(whining)

(howling)

(howling back)

-Good job, Gabe!

So, did you make Ana howl like that last night?

(barking)

Hum?

(barking) What is wrong with him?

-(Gabe): Push the button! Ana's waiting for me!

-Get out of there! It's my turn to juice up my junk!

Oh, you want a double-dose?

Fine! But I get two when you're done.

(electrical zapping)

-Thank you!

And I still can't believe you got with Ana!

Am I... back? Yes!

-Alright, now my turn...

-Don't! It... shrinks your balls!

-What? Oh, screw that! And sucks to be you.

Alright, let's book.

Ew... Wanna kick some mutant ass first?

-No, that thing is a failed lab experiment.

It wasn't trying to hurt anyone. It just wanted help.

-Huh... how do you know that?

-Chudley told me. He communicated with it.

(sighing)

Okay, I'll explain on the way home.

-You sure you don't want Chudley to?

(AENUS laughing)

-Jesus, Judith! What trailer park did you just step out of?

I can't stand seeing you like this. Come here.

Ha! Ha! I know you're feeling really shitty

so I thought this might cheer your ass up.

-Johndoe Cobretti!

Oh, my god! He's alive!

AENUS, you magnificent bastard!

-(AENUS with cockney accent): Judif! Ya dumb (bip).

You've hit me accent control circuit, luv!

(German accent): Ach, mein Gott in Himmel!

I cannot control meine accents!

Zey are on ze shuffle mode!

-You're a super-computer! Just shut up and fix yourself!

-(AENUS with Russian accent): Why you say this?

You assume I am Russian hacker? Stealing your data?

Or elections? That is racist...

or how you say? Ethnocentric!

-Oh, God!

-Let me get this straight.

You piped Ana and lost your v-card,

but you weren't even there? Classic!

-Oh, yeah? FYI, dipshit, Ana's my girl now.

Operation Gabe gets a Babe was a rousing success!

That's right! I get to tap like a keg

every single night!

Boo-yah! (Ana sighs.)

(barking)

-Hey, buddy! How you're doing?

You know, for a minute there Gabe was really amazing.

But whatever it was... it's gone.

(whining)

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.