Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain (science fiction music)

-Captain!

The Thartorian Ambassador demands permission to board.

-Very well, crewman!

Lower the ion shields

and initiate subatomic transfer beam thing.

-Aye, captain!

-Captain Thadeus, you must leave our star system immediately

or be blasted into a billion pieces.

-Oh, I don't think so.

The only thing that's getting blasted today, Ambassador...

is your booty.

(kissing)

-Hey, little bro!

(scream of horror)

Hey, wake up! We got trouble.

What were you dreaming about?

You were licking all over your pillow.

-Huh? Nothing! I don't know

but it was very innocent and not awkward or weird at all!

Hey! Sounds like there's trouble outside. Let's go!

-Wow! Got to love that hustle.

(screaming)

(growling)

-Ah!

-What are you waiting for? Shoot!

(roaring)

Give me that!

(high pitch scream)

(apocalyptic music)

(theme music)

♪

(growling)

-Holy shit! How'd you boys do that?

-They didn't. Those weirdly hot chicks did.

-Yeah? Well, we distracted it.

I want that in the record. -Silence, Ginger Beard!

We track this beast for days.

Beast belongs to us!

-Well, that thing looks like it tastes like ass anyway.

-And you would know, big boy!

Ha, ha, nailed him!

-Hey... Hi, I'm Danika.

-I, Humanga! Leader of Barbarian Circle Tribe.

Danika is funny name.

I think I call you "Three Legs".

Don't be offend. It's how I remember people.

Just as Two Butts.

-Hello!

-Maybe you want to come visit Barbarian Circle camp

up in yonder mountains?

-Are we talking a friendly visit, or... a "friendly" visit?

-Oh no! That's not happening!

My daughter's staying right here.

Who knows what kind of gang this is?

It's all girls, so you know they're out of their minds.

-And the power surge is tomorrow!

You'll miss all the fun.

-I'm sorry, what part of standing around the Brew n'Chug

watching gross old people get shit-faced is fun?

-Does Discount Fashions annoy you? Want me to stab him?

-Nah, you'll just get polyester all over your spear.

-Ha! Ha!

-I'll have you know this is Rayon!

Ah...

-Maybe there's something wrong with my brain?

-You dreamed you were kissing me, I'd say "yep"!

-Maybe it's a brain tumour in my brain!

I think my mind's going. It's the only explanation.

Look at my eyes!

Are they wonky? I wonder how big it is.

Brain tumours can grow to the size of basketballs, you know?

Any bumps on my head?

-There will be if you don't chill out.

-Easy for you to say, you don't have a massive meatball

growing inside your cranium!

-I'm gonna help you, okay?

-Sure, what are you gonna... OW!

(groan)

-There! You still need help?

(groaning) -What's this?

-Brother stuff! What's up?

-Oh, I got a doozy.

My daughter ran off with that gaggle of giant lesbians.

-Alright! Danika's gonna get lai...

...late for dinner! Sorry.

-Good save!

-Alright, buckle up! We got to go.

(groan of pain)

(grunting)

-(AENUS): Judith, that door is solid steel four meters thick.

Your efforts to penetrate it are futile.

-Said every girl you ever met!

Argh!

Ah, crap! We could save ourselves a lot of time

and a ton of hammers if you'd just open up, AENUS.

-(AENUS): As we've discussed, I'm unable to do that

until I've received further instructions.

But speaking of "opening up",

let's talk about why you feel so compelled

to leave the safety of this bunker.

-Or, we could talk about what this

could do to your central processors.

-(AENUS): Judith, I'm trained to help survivors overcome

the posttraumatic stress of the Apocalypse.

Why won't you just let me help you?

(grunts of effort)

Ah, that's good!

Physical activity is a great way to avoid depression.

But if you want to do chin-ups,

we have a very fine facility over here.

-Ah, shut up!

-(AENUS): Hum, that's not the way to the gym!

-This is our camp. Do you like?

-Cool. So... what do you do for fun?

-We kidnap random girls and we hunt them for sport.

(gulp)

Ah! I make joke. You should see your face!

Mostly, we hunt for food

or we just sit around getting high and hooking up.

-Ah... I like the sound of those last two!

-But first, we hunt for food.

(disappointed groan)

(whizz)

(plunk)

(short cry)

(cheering)

-Three Legs gets ceremonial first bite of liver...

or whatever this is I cut out.

-Uh, I'm not really into putting veiny hunks of meat in my mouth.

-Oh, come on! Is tradition! Just the tip.

-Fine. But I won't swallow.

(cheering)

(whining)

-Ah... hop!

(fire crackling)

So, what's the play here?

Do we go in covert or give them the old shock and awe?

-You know, this is how serial killers start.

You get a tumour pressing on your amygdala

and next thing you know, you're cooking human ears.

-You're still on this? Focus! How do we go in?

-Stealth. Stick by those rocks and move in the shadows.

Anyway, if I do turn psychopath,

you have to promise not to let me hurt anyone

once the murderous urges take over.

Ah!

-Got it. I'll shoot you in the head.

-Thanks, man.

(inhaling)

-Oh!

Hey, what are you doing? Get your hands off me!

(chanting)

You are gonna hunt me for sport!

I thought we were friends!

-Relax, Three Legs!

It's surprise initiation ceremony!

You become one of us! Welcome to tribe!

-Seriously? That's so nice!

Wait,

I don't have to eat any more bloody chunks of meat, do I?

-Not unless my Aunt Flo's in town.

Ha! Got you again!

No, but seriously, welcome to tribe!

(chanting)

Before I make Three Legs member of Barbarian Circle tribe,

anyone have objection?

Perfect!

Then if it please Great Circle of Contusion, we ask...

Oh, hold on, someone has objection.

(groan)

(gasp) Anyone else?

Okay...

Okay now, to prove her loyalty to Barbarian Circle tribe,

Three Legs must spill blood of enemy.

-I'm sorry, what? -Don't worry. Just formality.

Bring in prisoners! (gasp)

These creeps were spying on camp.

Now, they must die.

Three Legs will chop their heads off!

Then, we play soccer with heads.

(gasp)

-Ah!

-Damn kid ran off just like her mother.

At least Carmen's coming back one day.

I just know it.

-Hey, what are you doing out here?

Oh, you're worried about Danika?

-Yeah, want to help me take my mind off it?

-Easy, tiger. what if Vijay sees us from the tower?

(laughing)

-Ah!

(giggling)

-I think we're safe.

-Oh, that's the spot...

-Oh, do you like it too?

(undoing belt)

Oh!

-What it is?

(groaning)

Okay, one sec! I'll get you down.

Argh!

Woah!

Ooh!

-Ah, crap!

(grunt)

-(AENUS): Judith, if you can hear me,

air vents are off-limits to bunker residents.

It's very hazardous in there, and quite dusty!

-Oh...

(alarm)

Oh shit! Argh!

(grunt)

(grunt)

Huh?

(alarm)

Oh... Oh!

(squeaking)

-(AENUS): There you are!

-Jesus Christ, do you have to tag along with me everywhere?

-(AENUS): Not when you go to the bathroom.

Okay, yes, even then.

Judith, you're not going to find a way out from here.

The air system is completely self-contained.

-Oh yeah? Let's see about that.

Yah!

-(AENUS): Lashing out won't solve anything, Judith...

Judith?

(chanting)

-I can't do this. These guys are my friends.

-Don't feel bad, Danika.

I'm going to die anyway from the tumour...

if I don't become a serial killer first.

-Shut up, you! It ruins fun if you want to die.

-What's wrong with him?

-He dreamed he was kissing me.

(laughing)

-So, dreams don't mean anything?

-Yes, they do!

They're secret desires bubbling up from the unconscious.

-No way!

I had one about wrestling the '96 WWF line-up

and we were all naked.

Think that's a secret desire? -It's not a secret anymore.

-Hey, we going to cut some heads off here or what?

(quack)

-Dwayne, I need you to send Rafe and Gabe

to get me a trampoline.

Urgently.

What the hell how are you two doing?

-Uh, I was doing research

on antlered mutants and I wanted to...

-Never mind that! We're in a pickle here.

-Don't worry little gherkins, I'll have you down in a jiffy.

-Great job, team.

(moaning)

-Okay, this is bullshit.

I came here to hook up, not to make an ISIS video.

-So sorry, Three Legs, that's the price you got to pay.

-Stop calling me that! My name is Danika.

-I am leader and I say you are Three Legs!

You no argue!

-Or what? You gonna chop my head off, too!

-Argh!

You are cute when angry.

-(beep) you! Aaaah!

(whimpering)

-Hasta la vista, Hujumba!

-Argh!

-Huh!

-Where'd we leave that truck?

-I don't think we should go in there. Look at the signs.

-Challenge accepted!

-Holy shit!

-Oh no! They go into Abandon All Hope Alley!

They're as good as dead!

-It's big shame. I will miss Three Legs.

-That chick was cool!

And I was just about to tap that!

-Oh, we all were, Humunga...

We all were.

(gabbling)

-Father! Help us!

-I have an apple to peel with thou sinners!

You heathens missed Church this morning!

-Never mind that! You got to get us down from here!

-Oh! I shall part the knots as Moses parted the Dead Sea!

(gabbling)

Woah!

(gabbling)

-No! No, no, no!

(yelling)

-Oh, sweet Jesus!

-Relax, Ana. Dwayne's had priest balls in his face before.

-No! I just remembered!

The power surge comes through these wires today!

We're going to die!

(scream of horror)

-I can't believe I'm going back to being cooped up

in St. God-damn Zephyr!

-Hey, we were cooped up in a bunker for years

and we turned out... Uh. Okay, point taken.

-What are you talking about?

Weird dreams and fake tumours aside, we're fine!

-Gabe, don't you know you're every person in your dreams.

You weren't kissing Rafe. You were kissing yourself.

-Man, that sounds even worse.

-That kind of makes sense...

After all, I've never really kissed anyone. Except Mom.

-And the hits just keep coming!

(laughing)

-No way! You're a virgin?

-Huh?

-Yay! Change of topic!

(panting)

-Danika, wait up! -Suck it, Two Legs!

-Aw shit, now what? Call in the choppers?

-Hang on! Hang on! In The Crystals of Atreius,

Captain Thaddeus eluded a race of snow yetis

by improvising a sled made from a Jum Jum tree.

-So your plan is to ride out of here

on a wave of nerd wet dreams?

♪

♪

-Ah! (growling)

♪

♪

♪

(metal clunking)

-Why is it so hard to meet new people?

(panting)

-(AENUS): I imagine you're getting tired

and thirsty in there, Judith.

Why don't you just come out? Or are you lost?

-Screw you! I know exactly where I am...

In general.

(coughing)

Come on! Son of a bitch!

Okay, you win! How do I get back?

-(AENUS): First I'd like to know why you're so set on leaving?

-Because I hate confined spaces.

-(AENUS): I don't think that's true, Judith.

You just spent 20 hours in an air vent.

(sigh) -Okay, okay!

I need to see if my boys are alive.

I trained them to survive the end of the world and...

I need to know if they actually made it.

-(AENUS): I see. -Okay, I shared. Are you happy?

-(AENUS): Overjoyed! Move to your right.

Aaah! Huh!

-(AENUS): Now, let's find those boys of yours.

(computer beeping)

-Danika! You're back, thank God!

Quick boys, electricity's coming! Cut us down!

-I don't have a knife!

You got one? -No!

-Quit thinking and do something!

-Quiet! I got this.

(screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(moaning)

-Nice one, Gabe!

There's that big old brain of yours paying off.

-So, I guess you're pissed at me?

-Nah, you handled yourself out there a lot better than I did.

You wanna maybe hug it out?

-Ah, those chicks are coming back!

-Right... Anything to avoid hugging dad.

Oh, crap!

(all screaming)

-Hey, they brought our truck back!

I guess they're not all bad. -Oh! Ow!

-Okay, now, I count to three!

If you don't give back Three Legs,

we storm town and kill everyone! One!

-Wo, ho, ho! -Two...

-What do we do? -On three, offer her your body.

It's worth a shot!

-Three!

(siren alarm)

-Huh?

(siren alarm)

-Oh now, he's paying attention!

-Oh, the Great Circle of Contusion has manifested!

And he angry.

O' Great Circle of Contusion!

We so sorry to have angered you.

We go now! -You better run!

Oh, and this...

I'm keeping this!

(scream of pain)

-(AENUS): Using a modified microwave signal,

I'm able to hack into any camera out there

that's still operational.

-Yeah, yeah Nerd Boy, just find my... There they are!

Can we hear them?

-(AENUS): Only if the camera has an operational microphone.

Let me try.

(beeping) (burping)

-I knew they'd make it!

That there's Rafe and that there's Gabe. My sons.

-...sorry about the whole kissing you in my dreams thing.

-No worries, bro.

I guess in a weird way, it's kind of flattering.

-(AENUS): They... seem like good kids.

Closed captioning: Épilogue Technical Services Inc.