Original subtitles

Previously on Californication...

I will love you till the end of time. But I can no longer be your husband.

It's such a fucking relief!

I know, right? It's fucking liberating!

I'm dropping out of school.

No, you're not.

- I want to be a writer. - Why?

Being a writer sucks.

I really thought you'd be more supportive.

I want an agent who understands what I'm going through,

both, as an artist and as a gay man.

I want a gaygent.

We were in such a great place that night.

And if we stand any chance of getting back there,

you have to pull your shit together.

Well, I really loved your book, Ophelia.

Good for you, Marcy.

You don't need a man to be happy.

Did you sign Robbie Mac?

Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was going to stick.

Well, it stuck, all right. It's on Deadline.

Do you know that fucker?

This fucker is supposed to be in rehab right now.

It appears that I've had a relapse.

I got to get myself back to rehab post-haste.

You think maybe you can give me a ride?

Here's to your semi-successful rehab stint.

Cheers.

And here's to my cock-happy gaygent.

It's a better life, Hank.

The gays, they got it all figured out,

especially when it comes to sex.

They want to get laid, they just do it.

They act on their impulses, no guilt, no shame.

Heterosexuality should get down on bended knee and take a lesson.

I'll bring it up at the next board meeting.

- It's good to have you back, buddy! - It's good to be back.

So, what's next?

I got something in mind. I don't know if it's a novel.

I don't know if it's a short story. It's definitely a character.

I met this woman in rehab...

Yeah, yeah, that all sounds great, but...

Yep, yep, yep. You see it coming.

I got an offer for you!

And I pass.

- What, you pass? - Yeah.

What the fuck?

I'm going to write on spec for a while, Charlie, OK?

No Hollywood fingers in my sweet, little cornhole.

Why would you want to work for free when I can get you a major payday?

Don't you need one?

You just dropped major fucking ducats on rehab.

Well, yeah, sure, paydays are always nice.

- Yeah, yeah. - What if it was a quick assignment?

Yeah, well, they never are.

What if it was a remake of Cruising?

Come on, Billy Friedkin, Al Pacino.

And so it begins.

I got it all cued up for you right here, OK?

- Charlie... - Look, no, no, no.

You just need to sit down and relax.

I got the popcorn. I got the Red Vines.

Charlie, I don't feel like screening a movie with you right now.

I want to go see Karen, check up on the state of our union.

You got homework to do, man.

We got ourselves a big Hollywood meeting tomorrow.

It's going to be amazing, Hank. Nothing to be nervous about.

- I'm not nervous. - Good.

- Are you? - No, no, no.

Totally sanguine. I'm the sanguinator.

You're sweating through that cheap, ugly suit of yours.

I know, I know, I know. Hank, this could be such a big meeting,

and I can't get Robbie on the phone.

- He's supposed to be here. - I'm sure it's fine.

I'm sure he's just out somewhere, you know...

- Sucking a dick somewhere. - Whoa, jeez, Charlie.

That's a little something, don't you think?

Hank, the guy sucks a whole bag of dicks before breakfast.

A whole bag? That's a lot of protein.

I hope he eats a light breakfast.

Or maybe throw some veggies in there.

I'm not nervous.

- Ali's a huge fan. - Ali?

- Yeah. Ali Andrews. - Charlie...

She's a huge fan of yours, in particular.

Charlie, Ali Andrews was the executive on Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

She came on to me. I rebuffed her advances.

She fired me, had me rewritten.

- Any of this sound familiar? - Vaguely.

Charlie, how the fuck do you forget this shit?

It's all coming back to me now.

Because you've burned a lot of bridges, Hank.

All the people you've pissed off, they move around a lot.

Hank, she's running the studio now.

- Charlie. Hank. - Ali.

So lovely to see you. Come on in.

Ali Andrews. One of the most successful women in Hollywood.

Lucky seven on the 30 under 30. Congrats on that.

- Where's your client, Charlie? - He'll be here any minute.

You all are in for a real treat, too.

He is stunningly handsome.

He's a movie star. Of course he's stunning. But is he clean?

Immaculate.

He's so clean, you could eat off of him.

Yeah, I heard that was your thing now, right?

- I always had a feeling. - Me too.

So, Hank, tell me a story.

You've seen the original movie?

- I have. It's brilliant. - "Brilliant."

Why is everything always "brilliant" with you people?

Why can't anything be just good or OK?

But I digress.

You've seen the original. That's my story.

How do you plan to update it? What's your take?

My take?

My take is I'll take it. I'll take it and make it my own.

I get it.

Story's really never been your thing, right?

You're all about voice and attitude,

lots of talk, no action.

OK.

So we both know what this is about.

- We do? - Yes.

And if you're still wanting to make shit happen,

- I'm down with it. - You're kidding me.

I was in a loving, monogamous relationship at the time.

Now not so much. It's still loving,

but we can't seem to get back on the physical plane,

which sucks, but it does afford me certain freedoms.

I wish you were this imaginative in your writing.

I think it would clear the air, right?

You're obviously a woman

that's used to getting what she wants.

And I'm the guy that said "No, thanks,"

to your fleshy goodness, which makes me the one that got away.

So you've put me up on this pedestal built of bitterness and regret.

This is exciting.

The sexual tension, it's thick.

You could cut it with a knife and spread it on some crostini.

Why don't you two get the fuck out of my office?

I have a studio to run.

Who wants to remake a classic fucking movie from the '70s?

It came out in '80, actually.

Quiet, writer.

A man who shall remain nameless came out recently.

He came out in a big, brave, showy way.

Then he brought me this movie.

Now, at first I thought, "Who gives a fuck about anonymous gay men

"punishing each other's assholes in dark, dank leather bars?"

Then I thought, "This guy does."

Three months in dingy gay bars,

and I get paid for it too?

Where the fuck do I sign?

So what do you say, handsome?

- You seen the original? - Yes.

- Fucking brilliant. - Turn that shit up.

No.

Sold it, in the room. Totally fucking brilliant.

Settle down, Judy Garland.

You guys should come celebrate tonight.

Fist. Santa Monica and Robertson. Be there.

You're going to Fist. I got a thing over at prolapsed rectum.

- It's in Silver Lake. - Be there, writer.

- Or be off the project. - He will be there, Robbie.

Sure thing.

Just got to get my assless chaps out of storage.

He is something, ain't he?

You better be careful,

or else some part of him is going to end up in some part of you.

Why you want to rain on my gay parade?

It's going to rain, Charlie. It's going to rain big buckets

of smooth, creamy man-cake batter.

I hope you have your umbrella.

Gosh, Marcy, thank you so much for fitting me in.

Are you kidding me? This is my pure pleasure.

And by the way, this rip's on the house. My treat.

Don't be ridiculous.

- You come highly recommended. - That's nice.

I am the shit when it comes to making pussies pretty,

but your writing means too much to me.

- This shit is gratis. - Thank you, that's very sweet.

Can I tell you something?

And trust me, it's going to sound freaky.

You can tell me anything.

OK, I've seen a lot of vajay in my day,

but yours is simply stunning.

It took me a while to hack through all this brush,

but once I got there, wow.

- Thank you. - Honestly, it's like it's glowing.

- You know what it is? - No.

But please tell me, because mine looks like day-old deli meat.

It is untouched by man.

But I mean, do you... How do you...

What? How do I take care of myself?

Marcy, I do exactly that.

I take care of myself.

I don't need a fucking man to make me come.

I come all the time.

I just came right now.

Seriously, you just did?

No, I'm just kidding.

But I found a better way.

If you withhold, you gain power.

That is some heady shit, Ophelia.

So instead of putting my head in some man's lap,

I put my nose in a book, and I never looked up.

And guess what. All my dreams came true.

Are you sure you don't just like munching box?

I love women, but not like that.

I'd rather be alone,

alone with my first editions and my hummus.

I love hummus.

What about children?

Disgusting little creatures.

Church.

Oh, boy!

All right, one drink, Hank. That's it, I promise.

I can stay all night.

I feel like Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Greased Fist.

Runkle!

Some people I want you to meet.

- Going in! - Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What are you drinking?

- Batesy! - Hank!

What the fuck are you doing here?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Research. Got a new book in the works.

Question is, what are you doing here, kitten?

- Charlie's gay now. - Now?

Let me tell you something, that scrumptious little macaroon

was born with balls on his chin.

- How's Karen? - She's good.

She's shacking up with Marcy now.

Not in that way.

I'm confused. Why is she not shacked up with you in that way?

I'm equally confused.

I guess we're just heroes of bad timing.

Hey, you going to Becca's thing tonight?

What Becca's thing?

How do you know about Becca's thing tonight?

We keep in touch. She's always asking me questions about writing.

She's so cute. She's fantastic, Hank.

She never asks me questions about writing.

That could be one of two things.

Either she recognises who the real writer is,

or she's not ready to let you in yet, Hank.

Come on, it's got to be tough on the poor gal.

She wants to be a writer.

Her dad's reasonably good at it.

"Reasonably"?

It's OK. You're still young.

If you want to be one of the greats,

you're going to have to park your ass in that chair

and bleed on the motherfucker.

Thanks for the gross tip, prof.

OK. Listen, I got to go. I got to get back to work.

Got a lot of thirsty boys.

You're a good man, Gunga Din.

- Yes, tipping is permitted. - Really?

Take your time, sugar.

There he is.

Abbot's Habit. It's in Venice.

I think she goes on around 11:00 or so.

- Thanks, Batesy. - Fuck you.

Hey, writer.

Wow. Wait a minute.

You're real. I thought you were a mirage,

but you smell of perfume-lady-ness.

What are you doing here?

Robbie invited us to celebrate.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. Big, gay party at Runkle's.

Let's go!

Come on, hop on, Runkle. You're coming with me.

Wrap your legs around this steel, bitch. Let's go.

Get on it.

Yes.

- You're wrong, Karen. - What?

You're wrong. Men are the enemy.

Menemy mine. Men-enemy. Menemy mine!

I like that.

That is good, Marcy. Yes, I love that.

That is the title of my next book.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

The Menemy, by Ophelia Robins.

How men devastate your vagina and suck out your will to live.

- Jesus. - Catchy.

You think my utter hatred of men is very extreme, don't you?

- I don't. - I do. Yeah, I do.

Let me ask you this, Karen.

Where exactly has the princess myth gotten you?

Because as far as I can tell, everyone you've been with

has grown tired of fucking you

and wandered off into the tits and pussy of someone else.

Not Bill.

You got tired of boning Bill, and you went back to Hank,

and then Bates got all chicken hawk on you.

OK, you don't need to...

I was just getting the history straight.

Karen, you have got to work on yourself.

You need to just get away from this fairy-tale, happy-ending fantasy

and focus on the now.

Who are you? What makes you happy?

That's what I'm doing right now. That is it.

No, you're not. You're fighting me.

You're a sophisticated, intelligent woman.

Why have you spent so much time with boys?

Boys are fun.

Were you molested as a child?

- No. - You know what?

Seriously, I was. I think I was.

My crazy Uncle Andy used to walk around the house bottomless

when he babysat us.

Does that count?

Yes, of course it counts, Marcy.

The penis is not only a disgusting appendage,

it is also a deadly weapon.

And in my new book, the one you just titled,

I advocate the use of a cock cage.

It's like a male chastity device.

And honestly, I really think it should be...

What is that? We didn't order those.

These are courtesy of the gentlemen over there.

- That's so sweet. - Oh, snap.

- How dare they? - Thank you.

Still got it.

- Ladies. - Hi.

Hey.

Hello, boys. Yes, we are ladies.

And we appreciate your interest,

but this overture was ill-conceived and amateurishly executed.

So, if you buy us enough of these,

then we're just supposed to spread our legs

and suck your dirty cocks.

Is that the deal? That's the deal, right?

That's the implied contract.

That wouldn't be the worst way to end an evening, would it?

Well, I guess not.

But, what about the morning after,

when we wake up with savage morning breath

and really bad gas from all this beautiful stinky cheese?

Will your morning wood last through our explosive diarrhoea?

Will your love see us through our hormonal fluctuations,

perimenopause, and total ovarian shutdown?

Because we're women, guys.

And we fucking age.

We don't remain eager little fuck toys forever.

So how about it? You still want to buy us a drink?

What do you mean no?

Was it something I said? What happened?

You don't... Can I have your number?

What, you going back to your mommies? You fucking infants.

That was incredible, Marcy.

You just took ownership of your she-ness.

- Sweating. - That was just...

- Thank you. - That's not even a word.

- Thank you. - It is a word.

It was the title of my first book.

All right, who is up for dessert?

Rachel has a big crush on Charlie.

- Why? - He's cute.

You know, he is cute.

I give the guy a lot of shit, but he's pretty fucking adorable.

In a walking, life-size penis kind of a way,

like a PEZ dispenser.

It's too bad he's a mo.

He's no mo.

He's not?

No, he's just pretending. He wanted to sign the Mac attack.

The man does what he has to do.

He's a fucking closer, my boy.

You should go up to him and tell him you dig his steeze.

Yeah, he'll be so chuffed, he'll probably come in his pants.

You should stand back a few feet. Seriously, keep your hands up.

- Charlie, I want to thank you. - You are welcome.

I was coming out of rehab, and you took me into your loving arms.

I've never felt so protected.

That's what I do, Robbie.

I'm so glad I let you service me.

I'm happy to be servicing you.

I think we should make love.

What?

We should fuck. Once at the very least.

- Why? - Because there's tension here.

You're obviously attracted to me,

and while I'm not physically attracted to you,

I do feel enormously grateful, which can be even hotter sometimes.

I think you should blow me for a while,

and then I could finish up in that cute, little doughy butt of yours.

What do you say?

Think about it.

I'll be back.

Charlie? I know your secret, Charlie.

You do?

- I know you're just pretending. - I am?

- I am. - Yeah.

I just wanted you to know that I have always had a crush on you.

I temped on your desk years back, and I thought about telling you,

but then you got fired for the masturbation video,

and I missed my chance.

If you have a moment, I'd love to suck your dick.

Why did you even do the movie? It was such an epic piece of shit.

Crazy Little Thing made close to $300 million worldwide.

It cost $50. It made my fucking career.

- And it tainted mine. - Please, you tainted your own career.

You're incredibly difficult to work with.

Yeah, right. Cos I wouldn't put out?

Yeah. I don't even remember this little incident

- you keep prattling on about. - Bullshit.

We were sitting in your office, on your couch, just like this.

And you leaned over, and you smooched me.

Just like that.

And I do believe that you even put your hand on my leg...

Something like this.

- Ring a bell? - If you say so.

I don't know if it's all the gay sex talking or not,

but you're looking pretty fucking good to me right now.

Wow. Aren't you a charmer?

I still think you're mean, petty, and vindictive.

But I'm thinking maybe we should hate-fuck,

- you know, get the poison out. - If you say so.

So you admit it, you're still into me.

I'm sorry. I changed my mind.

Fuck you.

I am so fucking straight right now.

OK.

Mammary glands.

OK, OK, Charlie, just wait a second.

Charlie, I need to go pee and put my diaphragm in.

- Awesome! - OK.

- You do that! - Yeah.

You do that. God!

I love hearing about all that girly stuff.

Yes?

Yes!

Charlie, are you ready for me?

Yes, you are.

You got all naked for Robbie.

Here...

Take a look.

- That's British steel. - Wow.

That is an impressive rig you got there, Robbie.

Solid. Solid cock and balls, that...

That's some real movie-star shit right there.

Thanks, Charlie.

You want to wrap your lips around this piece or what?

Well, it's really kind of you to offer...

Charlie, what are you doing?

Put some fucking clothes on, girl, that shit is foul.

- Charlie, what the fuck is this? - She came on to me.

She wouldn't take no for an answer. She tried to rape me.

I wouldn't touch her with your dick. Really, really, she's disgusting.

You are a fucking asshole!

You know what, Robbie? He is just pretending to be gay.

I don't believe that for a second.

- Charlie? - No! Fuck, no.

Moment of truth, Charlie.

Open up and say...

I can't!

I got Hep-C?

Guess what, buddy.

Me too.

Come on, let's do this. Suck that shit.

OK, but really, my bigger concern is,

what is this going to do to our professional relationship?

I think it's going to make things a lot fucking hotter.

OK.

Would you take a hand job?

I think that there is a party in your mouth tonight, Charlie Runkle,

and I'm coming.

OK. OK.

OK! I can't! I can't!

I'm sorry. I just... I can't. I'm straight as an arrow.

I'm not perfectly straight.

If I was in prison right now, I'd probably be a total slut.

But in the real world, I definitely prefer the fairer sex.

I'm so sorry, Robbie. I'm so sorry.

I just... I'm such a big fan, and I just...

I got caught up in a lie.

You are a liar and a coward, Charlie Runkle.

Yes. Yes, I am.

You know what else you are?

Fired.

See?

I feel the toxins about to release from my body.

Isn't this much better?

All the resentment is about to just explode out of me.

We should have done this years ago.

Your career would probably be in a lot better shape.

Maybe. You never know. I've always been quite the self-saboteur.

- Hank? - Yes, Charles?

Hank, I've been found out. The jig is up, Hank.

I've been "inned."

Can you give me a few minutes?

Just a few?

Listen, lady, I'm enjoying your whole... This.

But I'm not exactly sure how I feel about you in general.

You know, you did fire me and then had me rewritten,

which led to a nasty chain of events,

which, in turn, led to a devastating downward spiral.

So don't let the hardness of Hank Jr. fool you.

That shit did not sit well with me.

Would you guys be interested in a third, by any chance?

I'm fucking horny as hell right now.

Once a bottom-feeder, always a bottom-feeder.

Fuck you, Hank.

Should we assume the deal is off?

Of course the deal is off, Hank!

And if the deal is off, I'm fired as fuck right now!

And the thing they never tell you is how hard it is

growing up, finding your place in the world,

accepting your fate.

But if you're lucky, you have someone in your life

who gets you...

Who accepts you for who you are...

Whoever so gently nudges you towards your destiny.

So, yeah, I guess you could say I was born to be a writer,

which is weird, because I definitely wanted something else for myself.

Something big...

Larger than life.

But it's a waste of time, wanting things,

because sooner or later, the thing that wants you

is just going to come up and tap you on the shoulder.

And you might want to be ready.

Good evening, ladies.

- Fuck you, Hank. - What did I do?

You have a penis and she's embracing her she-ness.

You can't come in.

I like your poetry, woman, but I don't understand.

You don't need to. It's OK. So what's up?

What's up? I'll tell you what's up.

Our daughter's pretty fucking talented. That's what's up.

I know. You came all this way to tell me something I already know?

No, I came all this way to tell you how sorry I am

for my shameful self-indulgence over the past few months.

It's OK. You don't owe me anything, Hank.

I'm just glad that you're feeling better.

I do. I feel better.

And now that I'm relatively clean and soberish,

I'm painfully aware of how we left things.

It's just... I mean...

- It's all so... - Unresolved?

Yes, exactly. Yes.

It may have to stay that way for a while.

I figured as much. But we should reconvene again

and talk about this, the state of our union and whatnot.

Sometime soon.

- Let's play it by ear. - OK, we will.

We'll play it by ear.

But in the meantime,

because of our pure-of-heart little munchkin beautiful daughter,

I'm going off to write something.

- You're going to write something? - I don't know what it is.

Really?

I'm going to make my intentions known, Karen.

- Put it down on paper. - Interesting.

- Prepare to be John Woo'd. - I will.

I'm excited for you. Good.

And I'm OK with all this. I'm relatively sanguine.

In fact, I am the sanguinator.

Good night.

- So... - Good. OK.

Till we meet again.

- Good night, Karen. - Good night, Hank.