Original subtitles

The investigation into the 50 million dollar land fraud

scandal in Palm Springs suffered a setback today,

when one of the witnesses, Leopold Schuster, 59,

was killed in a bomb explosion outside his home in Banning.

The other two witnesses, Barney Pritzig and Rudy "Disco" Gambola,

who were granted immunity,

and will testify for the prosecution,

have now been ordered put under immediate police protection

by the district attorney.

Here's the weather forecast now for Southern California.

The predicted high for today is 74, 68 at the beaches,

88 in the low deserts, 82 in the high deserts,

and smog alerts have been posted

for San Bernardino, Pomona, Ontario, San Fernando Valley,

San Gabriel Valley, and...

They're three for a dollar.

One at a time.

Come on, open up!

Open up in there!

- Yes? - Barney Pritzig?

Why do you want to know?

I'm Captain Hubris. the District Attorney sent us.

We're gonna be your babysitters.

Thank God!

Come in, gentlemen, come in.

Would you believe I was afraid to bring in the milk and the paper?

Let's see, what have we got here?

You guys had your breakfast?

Yes, thank you.

You're welcome.

Moffett, you secure all the doors and windows.

I want this place sealed up tighter than Fort Knox.

Garcia, check the joint out from top to bottom.

Look in every closet, under every bed,

behind every curtain.

Jacoby, you go out and cover the backyard...

And the garage and the alley.

Tell me,

Mr Pritzig,

this fireplace, is it a real one...

or just a dummy?

Because we don't want any Santa Claus dropping in on you.

Did you say something, Mr. Pritzig?

Mr. Pritzig!

Cyanide.

... only $5. So come on down.

... number one going straight to the top...

... my dear brothers and sisters...

... while funeral services are being held for the second victim... Barney Pritzig, 71...

the tightest security precautions

in the history of the state are being taken

to protect the life of the last remaining witness,

Rudy "Disco" Gambola, the man who knows too much.

The reputed mobster will be brought out of hiding

to testify before the grand jury

at 2:00 this afternoon

at the county courthouse in Riverside.

On the stock market today...

- Check my tires please. - Yes, ma'am.

- Fill 'er up. - Right.

- Unleaded. - All right.

- Did you wash your hands? - Yes.

Just a minute!

I'm sorry. I was throwing up.

I have a nervous stomach.

They say it's psychosomatic because of my wife.

We're separated.

Three months this Thursday.

Bye.

All yours.

~ Cecilia. ~

- Let's go. - Right.

We're there the top of the stairs.

- Here you go. - Check.

Just exactly where are you hiding this guy Gambola?

When are you bringing him in?

In Vegas, it's 7 to 5 Gambola won't live to testify.

You've already lost two witnesses.

What makes you think you won't lose this one?

All right, shut up for a minute!

I know what you guys think about cops...

a bunch of dumb, trigger-happy yo-yos.

You'd just love it if we blew this one, wouldn't you?

Well, we're not going to.

You stick around because come 2:00 this afternoon,

Gambola will sing, I guarantee you.

Now, have you got any other questions?

I'm a busy man.

Yes?

I have a reservation, name of Trabucco.

Oh, yes, Mr. Trabucco.

You asked for a room at the front of the hotel,

not too high up?

We have just the thing for you.

Will you fill this in, please?

How long will you be staying with us?

I'll let you know.

361.

I'll take that.

This way.

First time in Riverside?

Salesman.

Last month, we had convention of computer salesmen here.

The stories I could tell you.

The booze, the broads, the grass.

They had to smuggle out three naked hookers...

down the laundry chute.

You want me to shut up, right?

Good morning. May I help you?

How many would you like?

Lot of excitement down there today.

The bathroom's in here and that's the closet in there.

And this is the switch for the air conditioning.

It's... temporarily out of order.

And if you need anything at all...

I won't need anything.

...ask for Eddie.

Is everybody in position up there?

Can you hear me up there?

Operator, how do I get long distance?

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Green?

Oh, Mr. White.

Let me speak to Mr. Brown.

Hello, Mr. Brown? This is the dentist calling.

Everything is on schedule. I'm right here in the operating room,

but I've been looking at those X-rays and I'm afraid we're gonna

have to renegotiate the deal.

I know I gave you an estimate for those three rotten teeth,

but it's just not realistic.

The first two were simple extractions.

This one is a root canal job. I figure it's worth another 10 grand.

Come on, you know I do nice work.

I'd better, because if I don't, you guys are gonna have my ass, right?

So, what's it gonna be, do I go ahead

or should I cancel the 2:00 appointment?

Okay, then we're in business.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

How long will you be with us, Mr. Clooney?

That depends...

on my wife. She is staying with a friend.

Actually, he is no friend of mine.

359.

Enjoy your visit.

I sure hope so.

First time in Riverside?

Yes. Uh, come to think of it, no.

We passed through... me and my wife...

on our honeymoon on our way to Palm Springs.

That was 12 years ago.

Here you are.

A nice, quiet room on the side of the hotel,

away from all the excitement.

Quiet is what I need.

Well, the bathroom's here, the closet's there,

and forget the air conditioning. It hasn't worked in years.

My name's Eddie. If there's anything you need...

I do.

Could you bring up a bucket of ice, please,

and two glasses?

None of that plastic stuff, just two, nice...

long stemmed glasses made out of glass.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Is it all ashes or is there still a spark?

Is it all ashes or is there still a spark?

Operator, can I have an outside line please? Thank you.

Is there still a spark...

Uh... would you connect me please...

uh... with Mrs. Clooney... Mrs. Victor Clooney. It's personal.

Uh, Celia?

Hi, Celia, it's me.

Don't hang up!

Uh, no no no. I'm here in Riverside, at the Ramona Hotel.

Oh, I want to see you.

Well, you may have nothing to discuss, but I do.

All I want you to do is come up here for one half an hour...

Now, is that too much to ask? A lousy half hour?

What do you mean the doctor wouldn't like?

I'm your husband, for heaven's sakes. Don't I get any points for that?

What? Are you gonna tell me I came all the way here

and you won't even...

Is this how we are going to end 12 years of marriage?

Look. I am not proud. I'm not vindictive.

I am willing to forgive and forget.

I tell you, it has been hell since you left, Cilia.

I've been sleeping on two chairs in the living room.

I couldn't bear to go near the bed.

Celia, Celia, is it all ashes, or is there still a spark, Celia?

Aren't you gonna say anything, Celia?

What do you mean "No way"?

I tell you, you are talking to a man who is at the end of his rope.

Celia?

Goodbye, Celia.

Rope.

Rope.

~ Does your mother know your heart, Cecilia? ~

~ And does she know that I'm about to steal ya? ~

~ Oh, my. ~

~ When I look in your eyes, something tells me ~

~ that you and I should get together. ~

~ How about a little kiss, Cecilia? ~

~ Just a kiss, you'll never miss, Cecilia. ~

~ ... why do we two just keep on wastin' time? ~

~ Oh, Cecilia, ~

~ say that you'll be mine. ~

Sir, it's me... Eddie, the bellhop.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Mister!

Are you all right?!

Where's the cut-off, goddamn it?!

Hey, what the hell is goin' on in here?

Tried to hang himself. The guy checks in,

orders ice and real champagne glasses,

and you think he's getting ready for a little daytime action, right?

Wait a minute, who are you calling?

The desk, to get the police.

Police? What for? He isn't dead.

An attempted suicide. You've got to report it.

That's the law.

Forget the cops. They got better things to do,

especially today.

This is a respectable hotel.

You bet. That's why you don't want cops

all over the place asking stupid questions.

Let me take it up with the manager.

You're not going to take it up with anybody!

Don't you think that poor son of a bitch

has enough trouble? He doesn't need cops.

he needs sympathy, understanding,

a little human warmth!

Celia...

Here. Get yourself a hair dryer and keep your mouth shut.

Anything you say.

But you'd better watch him. He'll try it again.

They all do. I know.

I tried out for the paramedics.

12 years, and she wouldn't give me a half an hour...

One lousy half an hour.

Haven't I seen you before?

We met at the gas station.

Oh, yeah! What's this with you and bathrooms?

Either you're throwing up or you're trying to kill yourself.

Sorry.

What made you do it?

They caught you with the hand in the till?

Bookies after you? Terminal cancer? What?

Terminal love.

Love? You did it for a dame?

Celia's not a dame! She's my wife!

Actually, she's my second wife. I left my first wife for Celia.

Gave up everything...

...the three kids, the house, and the insurance.

I owned a piece of the rock,

and the two cars, and the Betamax, and...

Now Celia's left me...

That's tough.

...for some phony doctor... Dr. Zuckerbrot or...

He runs this fancy clinic.

"INSTITUTE FOR SEXUAL FULLFILMENT."

What the fuck is that?

That's a racket! That's what that is!

She came up here to investigate it.

What is she, with the FBI?

No, she's with CBS. Their research department.

You know "60 minutes"?

They were going to expose the whole set-up.

Next thing I know, she's not coming home.

She falls for that quack.

She walks out on me, walks out on her job.

I get a nervous breakdown and ulcers.

The whole thing is in my suicide note.

- Do you want to read it? - No.

Now, look...

You want to hang yourself, it's okay with me.

Go out in the country, find yourself a tree,

but don't make waves around here.

I'm tryin' to work next door.

I could drown myself, but he turned off the water.

Listen, you give me any more trouble

and I'm gonna strangle you with my bare hands.

That's another solution.

You makin' it very difficult for me to like you.

Now what is it?!

- I had an idea. - As?

- Why don't you call her? - Call who?

My wife. Tell her that I tried to kill myself.

- Here's the number. - I don't even know your wife.

Tell her you're a friend of mine.

I'm nobody's friend.

Tell her that my life is hangin' by a thread

and that I'm slippin' fast and then she'll have to come.

Look, I don't seem to be getting through to you.

I'm a very busy man,

so don't bug me, don't hassle me.

Get off my back!

- You mean you're not going to call? - No.

Okay, the deal is off.

What deal?

You don't call her, I'm gonna do it again.

- Oh, you are? - And again and again!

I got razor blades, I got sleeping pills.

- You got a handkerchief? - A handkerchief?

Well, yeah.

What are you gonna do with that?

Argh!

What are you doing to me?! Are you crazy?!

Now, is everything checked out? Roof tops? Sewers? Air traffic?

Yes, sir.

Let's see... 12:20.

Now here's the game plan.

At 1 o'clock we throw up the road blocks.

- Right.

They are liable to try some kind of a stunt, a diversion.

I don't care if a frigging bomb goes off in the next block,

nobody leaves his post. Do you understand?

Roger.

Bird watcher 1 to bird watcher 2.

- How's the canary? - Doing just fine.

Keep him on eyes. We'll pick him up at 1:45 sharp.

Over and out.

The maid!

I come to mop up.

Madre de Dios!

You know, I don't have to do this for a living.

My husband and I, we have a catering business.

We do parties, Mexican dinners,

guacamole, quesadillas, chile...

frijoles, tortillas, tamales, burritos, enchiladas.

All that for $7 a head.

My mother-in-law, she cooks. My husband and I do the serving.

Our son Philippe... he parks the cars.

And we have two cousins and an uncle,

they're the Mariachi Band.

~ Cucurucucu Paloma... ~

So, if you ever plan to have a party,

we're in the Yellow Pages under "Tijuana gourmet."

You think you can remember that or shall I write it down?

Thank you.

Wait! Come back! Come back!

Have a nice day.

Son of a bitch!

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-ahh!

Hey! Where are you?

What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you crazy or something?

Not at all. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Come on back. I promise not to tie you up again.

I know why you did that because you're a good person.

You didn't want me to hurt myself. Right?

Come on back!

Hey!

Jesus Christ. All those cops down there. They'll see you.

Oh, good. I want 'em to see me.

- Listen you lunatic... - I am gonna stay up here

until they bring my wife.

And if they don't, I jump.

Just come in here for a minute. Let's talk it over.

I don't want to talk to you. I want to talk to my wife.

All right, all right, I'll call. I'll fix it up. Okay?

But first come in here.

First you fix it up, then I'll come in.

What's the goddamn number?

It's on the folder in my room. Okay?

Hey, lieutenant.

- There's a guy up there on the ledge. - Where?

Third floor, don't you see him? Last window on the right.

- We better check it out. - No, you don't.

This may be a diversion. You know what Hubris said...

nobody leaves his post.

Outside line.

Hey, psst, what's her name?

Celia. Celia Clooney.

Dr. Zuckerbrot's clinic. Ecstasy is our business.

What kind of shit is that?

Listen, let me talk to Mrs. Clooney, fast.

Mrs. Clooney? She's in ultrasound stimulation.

She can't be disturbed.

It's an emergency, for Christ's sake!

A matter of life and death! So don't jerk me around!

You're a very vulgar man.

I'll let you talk to Dr. Zuckerbrot himself.

87

88

101,

105,

Zuckerbrot here.

Repeat that, please.

What?

You are speaking too fast.

Okay, doc, I'll slow it down.

There's a guy here name of Clooney,

standing on the ledge of the Ramona Hotel.

He's threatening to jump unless he can see his wife.

I do not know the gentleman.

What did you say his name was? Mr. Clooney?

Yeah, like in Mrs. Clooney.

You know, the dame you've been balling.

That is neither here nor there,

but I will under no circumstances

permit his wife to see him.

This is emotional blackmail.

And I will absolutely not allow her to submit to it.

So my advice to Mr. Clooney is... jump.

Wait a minute, doc.

Hey, doc!

How are we doin'?

Hello, Mrs. Clooney.

Did the doctor explain the situation?

Yes, I'm afraid he means it.

You will? Thank you. I knew you would.

You sure sound like one terrific lady.

Well?

It's all set. She'll see ya.

Oh, Celia? She will? Swear?

Who would lie about a thing like that?

Come on in.

When is she gonna come? I better get some fresh ice.

Don't bother. She wants you to come to see her.

Oh.

It's better than nothing.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

So take it easy, relax. I'll drive ya.

- Oh, you don't have to do that. - You'll need some moral support.

I don't want to keep you from your business.

That's all right. I think I just have time to make it,

but we better step on it.

Let me change my shirt. Be back in a minute.

~ Cecilia. Da da-dee da-da da daa. ~

That's right, no water.

~ Cecilia... ~

How are you comin'?

Almost ready.

~ Cecilia... ~

Oh, I'll bring these flowers along.

Can't hurt.

You know, it is a lucky thing I wound up next door to you.

You know what they say... the kindness of strangers...

Let's get a move on, huh?

I promise you, after this,

I'll never make any more trouble for you.

That's for sure.

What's with all these policemen? What are they doin'?

Blowing the taxpayers' money

just to protect some goddamn stool pigeon.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been seeing that in the news.

Yeah, once we get out of town,

it's about 7 miles on the road to Elsinore.

Can I ask you a question, Mister, uh...

I don't even know your name.

Trabucco.

Oh, Trabucco.

What kind of name is that?

My mother was Turkish, my father was Brazilian.

I was born in Detroit.

Is that a fact?

Close enough.

You ever been married, Mr. Trabucco?

Once, but I got rid of her. Now I just lease.

Oh.

Why did you get rid of her?

Because she was a pain in the ass,

always getting on my nerves, interfering with my work.

Yeah, I know. People like... What line of work are you in?

Pest control.

Oh, like ants and cockroaches and termites?

Something like that.

I spray them. I poison them. I shoot them.

You shoot termites?

Coyotes. I shoot coyotes...

and skunks and rats.

I guess... somebody has to do these things.

Are you from L.A.?

Not necessarily.

Oh. I am.

I'm in television... CBS.

That's where I met Celia.

How about that?

I started out in the legal department.

I'm in Standards and Practices, what you'd call censorship.

I have to read every script and see every foot of film.

You'd be surprised at what some of these so-called creators

try to sneak past you... all the sex and violence.

There's a lot of that going around.

But not through the Iron Duke.

You know, just last week, we had three new shows come in.

Every one of them had a girl in a wet T-shirt.

So?

Well, I'm not against a little cleavage

if it's done in good taste,

but nipples are a definite no-no.

Everybody's got 'em.

Not in prime time.

We had a sitcom on Christmas Eve.

Do you know what one of the characters was named?

Señor Cajones.

What's wrong with that?

Cajones is Spanish for testicles.

No shit?

You sure we're goin' in the right direction?

Trust me.

Sunnyvale?

Nothing but a lot of rocks and sage brush.

It's a short cut. We're almost there.

We are? Uh.

Oh, getting that nauseous feeling again.

Don't worry. You'll handle it okay.

You know the truth is I've never been that very good with women.

I guess I just don't have the killer instinct.

What are we stopping here for?

This looks like a good spot for it.

For what?

Don't you think you'd better up chuck before you see her?

You're right. I gotta be at my best.

Over there. Over there behind the rock.

Always thinking of me.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Do you suppose there's a law against puking on private property?

Hey, there!

Is this your car?

What about it?

We got a very pregnant woman in there.

And that heap ain't gonna make it to the maternity ward.

She needs a lift. Okay?

No, it's not okay, cause I got a very sick man here myself.

- Right? - No, not any more.

I'm feeling much better now.

Come on. Let's move it before this lady pops.

You heard him. She's gonna pop.

Damn busybodies. Why aren't they out trying to catch crooks.

Is it safe to leave my car here?

Who's gonna steal it?

I think you better back her in.

There's a clinic just down this road.

They'll have nurses and stuff.

I don't care what you say, I think that people are basically decent.

Now take you for instance...

First, you save my life, and now you're helping

to bring a new life into the world.

You really ought to name the kid after him.

Unless it's a girl, of course.

But a lot of girls have boys' names these days.

I know one called Bruce.

Is this your first one?

Yeah.

Hold tight, Jenny. Everything's gonna be cool.

Did you... did you get the hash out of the trunk?

Shh.

Hush little baby, don't say a word.

Papa's gonna buy you, a mockingbird.

Sing. Ah, sing.

First babies are very unpredictable, you know.

I mean you always read about them being born in taxis.

planes and buses, escalators.

I wouldn't be surprised if she had it right here in the car.

Shut up!

Oh oh oh! This is it! Dr. Zuckerbrot's.

Just dumb luck.

Wait a... wait a s... will you wait a second, officer?

You've got to understand something. This is a sex clinic.

We don't deal with the finished product here.

I don't give a shit. Get her out of my car.

Hey, man, that was beautiful. And I want... you know, like, uh, thank you.

- Okay? - Glad to do it anytime, aren't we?

And if that looking glass gets broke,

papa's gonna buy you a billy goat.

What a mess.

Uh... Look, I know that you're in a hurry...

but you wouldn't possibly consider coming in with me, would you?

Just for a minute?

And, uh, you speak to her first. Sort of break the ice.

No.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I've got to learn to stand on my own two feet.

It's always been my problem.

That's...

no spine. No...

cojones.

She said she thinks she's in love.

She really said that?

- Hmm. - That's an improvement.

Well, I think she's starting to open up...

Yes?

I'm here to see Mrs. Clooney.

- And you are? - Victor... Clooney.

Are you a relative?

Am I? About the closest relative that you can have.

I'm her... I'm her hus... Where is she?!

Uh, not so loud, please.

She's in the library, but you're going to have to get

written permission from Dr. Zuckerbrot.

Well, damn it! Did he get written permission from me...

before he started...

fooling around with her mind? - Look, fill this out in duplicate

and come back after lunch.

- I'm not having lunch. - Well, I am.

It's a boy!

Hey! Wow! Man! I'm a father!

Congratulations, kid.

Listen to him! "B" flat!

That's real heavy.

Uh, here... Have a joint.

Thanks.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, Elvis Junior.

...which brings us to today's subject...

premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation

means always having to say you are sorry.

There are many schools of thought

on how to pace yourself and maintain self-control.

Some advocate keeping a bucket of ice water beside the bed

and dipping your toes into it at the critical moment.

Others recommend

that you concentrate on something prosaic.

Try to think of the names of the Seven Dwarves

in "Snow White."

Try to remember your Social Security number...

Excuse me, could you tell me where the library is?

Sorry, not now. My fiancée has a slow leak.

Celia?

Celia.

- Hi. - Victor.

What are you doing here?

You said you wanted to see me.

I said?

He said that you said it.

Who's he?

Come on. Pack your things. We're going to go home.

You've had your fun.

Fun? You think I'm doing this for fun?

This has been the most meaningful experience of my life.

Looking at dirty pictures?

Is that what you think it is? This is basic scientific research.

Come off it, will you? First you were into ferns,

and then it was whales.

Are you aware, for instance, that a woman has 89

different erogenous zones in her body?

Oh, 89!

Who says so?! That pygmy doctor of yours?!

To me, he's a giant.

He's a giant! He's a giant phony!

Quiet!

I am afraid you have been totally brainwashed.

Not totally.

I've only reached the fourth plateau.

The fourth what?

Dr. Zuckerbrot's theory of sexual awareness.

A few lucky ones make it all the way up to the ninth plateau.

What's happening up there?

The ultimate orgasm.

Oh, I knew it. I knew that was coming! The "o" word!

That's when the earth moves and the sky bursts open

and the white-hot flames consume you...

That's enough. I don't want to hear it any more!

I don't want to hear any more, either!

I'm trying to write a paper on the pros and cons of circumcision.

The pros and cons of...

You ought to be locked up... all of ya!

You're nothing but a bunch of damned perverts!

Please!

Sexual deviants! Animals!

People are studying here.

Studying?! They're nothing but a pack of wild dogs in heat!

That's all you are!

Frontal nudity. Consenting adults. Premature ejaculation!

Up yours, buster!

Excuse him, he's going through a stress situation.

Ah.

Tums. Where are my tums?

What have you been eating?

It's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me!

Victor, you must really learn to deal with your hostility.

It's poisoning your system and corroding your mind.

You're not living, Victor.

You're just using up time, using up space, using up air.

What plateau are they on?

Wake up, Victor. You can't just bleep out what's happening today.

You've got to go with the flow!

What happened to your wedding ring?

I had it melted down and made into a charm for Hugo.

Hugo?

Dr. Zuckerbrot.

He wears it on a chain around his neck.

This son of a bitch is wearing my wedding ring around his neck?!

I have no more use for it.

You might as well know, Victor, I'm filing for divorce.

Divorce?

Celia, what happened to us?

Where has all the magic gone?

We've been together for 12 years.

That long?

Well, maybe they weren't 12 great years,

but we had a few good weeks here and there.

Let's the two of us go back to the hotel, huh? It's all set up.

I got a bucket of ice water and I'll set it next to the bed.

What kind of a crazy idea is that?

Well it's not my crazy idea.

It's your crazy doctor's crazy idea!

How shall we handle this... your lawyer or mine?

No.

No? What do you mean 'no'?

There will be no lawyers and no divorce.

You're gonna give me a hard time?

There will be no divorce because a widow doesn't need a divorce.

Victor, stop making empty threats.

Empty threats?

Read that after I've gone.

Don't bother with flowers. You can use these.

They couldn't save her. She's gone.

I know how you feel.

Here are the headlines at 1 o'clock.

As the hour approaches for Rudy "Disco" Gambola

to testify before the Grand Jury,

the police exercising every possible precaution

have thrown up road blocks

around the entire civic center.

Motorists are advised to use alternate routes.

Come on.

All right. All right. Keep it moving. Come on.

Come on lady. Keep it moving.

This is police harassment. That's what it is.

Look, I'm a citizen. I'm a taxpayer.

I've got a driver's licence. I can go anywhere I want!

Where do you want to go, lady?

J.C. Penney. I've got this girdle.

It's too tight.

- I'm going to exchange it. - Did you ever think of going on a diet?

A diet? What kind of diet?

The 14-day diet at the county jail.

Now, move your car.

All right. All right, officer. Okay.

Good afternoon, father.

And a good afternoon to you, officer.

What, uh, seems to be the trouble?

Just a routine check.

May I ask where you're going, father?

Oh, it is a very sad mission I'm on. Very sad.

I'm off to administering last rites to one of me parishioners.

Poor soul, barely 40 years old.

Ah, well that's the breaks. The lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

For His is the power and the glory.

Ain't that the truth.

Pass him through.

Bless you my son.

What is it, Celia? What can be so important?

I saw him.

He's going to do it!

Who is going to do what?

Victor, he's going to kill himself.

That's his problem.

It's our problem too. Look at this.

He blames you for the whole thing.

A warped mind. Nobody will take this seriously.

You don't know those guys from "60 minutes." They get hold

of something like this and Mike Wallace will crucify you.

Who pays attention to that foolishness?

Only 50 million people! Look what they did to the Shah and Dr. Kissinger!

Kissinger? I don't even think he is a real doctor.

Hugo, I'm thinking about us.

We can't let anything like this happen,

now that we've reached the fourth plateau.

Please, schatzi, before it's too late.

All right. You get the car. I get my bag.

~ Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay... ~

Muchas gracias.

Room 359... would you prepare my bill, please?

You're checking out?

You could say that.

Lighter fluid.

- Butane or regular? - Regular.

- What size? - The largest.

How many of those have you got?

Hmm, about a dozen.

I'll take them all.

You are a heavy smoker, aren't you?

Oh, shit.

Are you okay?

Fine. Care for a little warm champagne?

How did it go with your wife?

- It's all settled. - Good for you.

She never wants to see me again.

She. Women.

Go figure them.

I once knew a guy, he had two heart attacks.

So they put in one of them gadgets, uh, pacemaker.

So his wife divorced him, because she said

it was interfering with the TV reception.

Are you leaving?

Yeah. I didn't want this to go to waste.

Are you sure you won't join me?

I'd better not. I gotta keep a clear head.

I want you to know I'm very grateful

to you for everything that you did.

You just may be the nicest person that ever lived.

I don't have to stand here and listen to that kind of talk.

Well, I mean it.

I'm 48 years old

and in this whole stupid, miserable world

the only friend that I've got is

somebody that I met two hours ago.

Now, isn't that pathetic?

Don't let it get you down.

Oh, I screwed up again.

- What's the matter? - I forgot to get matches.

You wouldn't happen to have any...

- Here you are. Keep them. - ...matches. Thank you.

You sure? Maybe just half a glass? Huh?

Bon voyage?

- Where are you going? - I'm going to kill myself.

Not again.

Oh, yes, but don't worry. You don't have to tie me to a chair.

- I'm not going to do it here. - You sure now?

- Word of honor. - That's my boy.

This time, I'm gonna give them something to remember me by.

I'm gonna set myself on fire!

- What!? - Oh, I'm gonna climb up there,

I'm gonna douse myself with all of that fluid,

light a match, and... pa-whew... human torch.

They'll see me for miles around.

- You're gonna climb up where? - Up the fire escape to the roof,

- And when I jump... - You're gonna jump from this roof?

You talk about your ninth plateau?

I'll show them some white-hot flames!

Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Nobody's gonna stop me this time!

Open up you crazy bastard!

I ain't got time for this kind of shit.

Apocalypse now!

Wait a minute!

Ah! Ooh!

You hurt?

All right, take it easy.

Just take it easy.

Ah! Don't... don't worry.

I won't leave you alone...

Buddy.

We're ready just about ready to pick up Gambola.

Alert the choppers to stand by. - Yes, sir.

Come in.

McCluskey here.

Observed man climbing out on fire escape.

Alley side of hotel. Third floor.

I read you.

I wonder if it's the same guy who was out on the ledge before?

What guy? What ledge?

Somebody clowning around up there, but he went back in.

What do you mean, clowning around?

- Did you check him out? - Of course not.

You told us not to leave our posts.

- In case it was a diversion. - Jesus Christ.

Do I have to do everything around here myself?

Parks the car. See you upstairs.

Anything you say, schatzi.

Are these all the people you got registered on the third floor?

Yes, captain. Something wrong?

Oh, just that one of your guests keeps climbing around

on the outside of the building, that's all.

That's very unusual.

I bet it's that guy in 359 who tried to hang himself.

Hang himself?

I saw it.

And you didn't report it?

359... Victor Clooney.

That's the joker.

Victor Clooney. What room is he in?

Who are you?

I'm doctor Zuckerbrot. I must see him immediately.

What's the trouble?

I am sorry, but the confidential relationship

between doctor and patient...

Come on.

The trouble is he's a fruitcake

with suicidal tendencies.

He's in room 359. Let's go.

Please. In his condition, it is better I see him alone,

or he may flip out altogether.

Okay, doc. You handle it.

Tell him to keep away from the windows

or he's liable to get his ass shot off.

Sorry, I have no brandy.

Your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Oh, my head.

I'll get you a cold compress, okay?

I keep forgetting.

Relax, Mr. Clooney.

You are in good hands.

Who invited you here?

I'm a doctor. Quick! Help me pull down his pants.

His pants?

I'm going to give him an injection.

Wrong end... he hurt his head.

Do not tell me my business.

What are you gonna give him?

A shot of torazine, to quiet him down.

We don't want him jumping out of the ambulance.

What ambulance?

To take him to the psychiatric ward.

Psychiatric ward?

That's the law.

Anybody who is suicidal has to be locked up for observation.

Suicidal? Him?

Born loser

Misfit.

His wife walked out on him.

Oh! Ah, really?

From the way she described him,

I somehow thought he would be a lot homelier.

Is that so?

Although, must say...

he's better equipped than I would have expected.

She discussed it with you?

You a friend of Mr. Clooney?

No, no, no. Just met him this morning. Next door neighbours.

Well...

from what she told me about their sex life...

not that there's that much to tell...

Go on, go on.

Imagine, for 12 years,

every Wednesday and Saturday night like clockwork.

and during all that time, not one orgasm.

That's a lie!

Of course. Like any good wife, she faked it.

For 12 years?

How is he?

Under sedation.

Help me with the straitjacket.

Who's that?

What do you mean, "who's that"? That's your husband.

Try again, doc. You're not even warm.

Who's he?

Tell him, big mouth. You told him everything else...

how great I was in the sack.

Victor.

What else did you tell him...

that I cheat on crossword puzzles,

I steal sugar in restaurants,

that I wet my bed till I was 11?

No, Victor, believe me. I never mentioned that.

A bed wetter.

Aha! That explains everything.

I'll kill him, so help me!

Look what you did to my best friend!

They ought to get you for malpractice...

sticking a needle up the wrong guy.

Victor, we were doing it for your own good!

My own good?! You were going to put me in a nut house.

I admit I made a mistake...

but that's easily corrected.

If you will be so kind as to drop your trousers.

Wouldn't you like that.

I drop my pants, you drop your pants, she drops her pants.

I've heard of that... ménage a trois!

Victor, you're running amok!

You are one sick doctor and you ought to be horse whipped.

And have your cojones cut off and be deported.

Don't you touch him!

There it is, your wedding ring.

Oh my God. It's the 'p' word.

You know what your problem is, Victor?

You should have been born a man!

Celia, I may have loved you once.

Right now, I don't even like you much.

Now get the hell out of here before I lose my cool!

Good idea. I have a lecture on sex at the condominium.

Here, take this with you, you little geek.

You can always go back to your first wife.

Out!

Oh.

What time is it?

You mean right now?

Is it 2:00 yet?

20 minutes off.

Jesus!

What happened here?

We had to take your pants down.

Who?

Me and the doctor.

What for?

- So he could give you a shot. - Why?

He thought you were me.

You? You son of a bitch!

You'll feel better tomorrow.

Tomorrow? I got 20 minutes.

- I got to get ready. - For what?

Coffee... I need black coffee.

I'll call downstairs.

Shower, cold shower.

Wait, no, not in there.

Here. Here.

Ah.

Room service, please.

This is room 361. Would you send up a pot of coffee?

No, no cream, no sugar. Just black, hot, and strong.

Feeling better, are we? Huh?

Hit me.

Hit you? Why? You're my buddy.

Hit me!

Okay.

Harder!

Again!

Again! I got to wake up!

20 minutes to go.

You got a date or something? Huh?

Possible straight.

- Possible nothin'. - You're right.

Queensies, pair of 10s.

All right, break it up!

Let's get this show on the road.

Where is he?

Hey, Gambola!

Where the hell are you?

At a time like this, you're dancing?

Who's dancing? I'm trying to keep from freezing my balls off.

Let's go.

Well, are you ready for your finest hour?

To tell you the truth, I'm scared shitless.

Well you should be. But I've got it all worked out.

I'm gonna save that miserable life of yours.

Well, I'm sure glad to hear it.

I need a volunteer.

Get out of here.

Lee.

Nah, too short. Kowalski, you try it.

Good. You two change clothes.

What's the gag?

If they're gonna pick off anybody,

it's gonna be the guy in civilian clothes.

Clever?

Yeah, I like it.

Personally, I think it stinks.

What time is it now?

12 minutes to 2:00.

That lighter fluid. Where is it?

What do you want with that?

Get it!

Hurry!

Open it. Open it up! Quick!

Ah.

I need help.

Hey, that's a gun.

Well, what are you gonna... do with that?

You're gonna shoot across the street?

You're gonna kill that witness.

You killed the other two, didn't you?

What is this, 20 questions?

You're a killer.

- Give it to me. - I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on, you stupid asshole.

I'm not gonna let you kill anybody.

You keep saying we're buddies.

That's why.

So now you want me to get killed.

Well, if you're worried about the cops...

Screw the cops!

It's the people I work for... I'm talkin' about the guys with the pinky rings.

I got a contract and if I don't deliver, you know what happens?

I wind up on fisherman's wharf, all chopped up for bait.

Why don't we get out of here right now? I'll hide you.

Give me that gun.

I got a cousin in Colorado, he has a ski lodge and it's out of season.

- What we do is get a couple of canned goods... - Asshole.

Hey, Gambola.

A suit like this... how much it set you back?

Oh, like $700, $800.

Shame to get blood all over it.

Don't worry. I got three more like that.

Okay, you're gonna shoot that guy,

then you'll have to shoot me, too, because I'll be a witness.

Where does it end?

You gonna kill everybody in the world?

Don't you ever stop yakking?

Son of a bitch. I don't think I can do it.

Good.

I can't focus. I can't see a god damned thing out there.

I'm a dead man.

Don't say that.

This was gonna be enough money to retire on,

because in this line of work,

you don't qualify for social security.

I loused it up for you, didn't I?

I had my island all picked out.

On a clear day, you can see Tahiti.

I came this close, but no cigar.

Listen, this guy that you were gonna knock off...

who is he?

A hood. A mobster. A no-good fink.

Maybe I could help.

Yeah, pray for an earthquake.

Let me do the job.

- You?... Yeah. I have nothin' to lose. Besides, I owe you one.

What are you gonna do...

walk across the street and throw up all over him?

I know how to handle a gun!

I used to be able to hit a milk bottle

with a BB gun from 200 feet.

Well, this is no BB gun,

and it's more like 200 yards,

and we're not talking about any milk bottle.

I know what I'm doing.

One thing... the safety catch...

is it on or off?

Okay, bring him out.

Here they come.

What do you see?

A lot of cops... and one civilian.

That's him!

All right, It's all set up for you.

As soon as he reaches the eighth step...

Za-ping!

Nervous time.

They're on the first step...

second, third,

fourth...

five, six,

seven...

Now!

Oh my God.

What's the matter?

I think I shot a cop.

You fuckup!

Third floor. Last window on the right.

They got the son of a bitch.

Must be a real pro up there.

Yeah.

All right! Let's smoke him out!

The fire escape.

This way, piss brain.

You take the elevator.

359... let's get him!

Stay close together.

- There's nobody in here. - Search the whole floor!

What now? They'll find us!

In there, you turkey!

All the way down? Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

Yeo-o-o-w!

Wh-o-o-o-oa!

We made it.

Not yet!

You'd better drive, shit head.

- Have I done something to offend you? - Get in there.

You wouldn't have a spare dickey, would you?

Stop that car!

Stop it!

Oh, Christ.

I'm sorry.

Boy, am I glad I caught you.

Are you, now?

I've got a dying man over here.

I don't know what denomination he is,

but just to be on the safe side, would you mind saying a few words?

Of course, my son. That goes with the job...

to give light in darkness, comfort in despair,

tranquility in stress.

He's right up here on those steps.

Psst. I'll wait for you.

Get out of here. Beat it.

What about you?

Never mind. Save your own ass.

Will I see you again?

You heard me. Fuck off.

Father,

you said the 'f' word.

Tempus fugit. Habeas corpus. Et pluribus unum.

Ipso facto. Caveat emptor. In flagrante delicto.

Nolo contendere. Adeste fideles. Hasta la vista. Amen.

Trabucco!

What did he say?

It's Latin.

It means "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned".

Rest in peace, my son.

He's off and running with the 50.

Down to the Baltimore 40-yard line.

Go! Go, baby!

Go! Go! Go!

Got it!

... The play, made by Doug Nettles, who showed...

Did you see that catch and that run?

Temperature 29 degrees at kick off...

and the snow is falling again at Three Rivers...

Bradshaw is back deep again. Lots of time.

... they mark the ball around the Baltimore 26.

Going way deep for Stalworth...

... and it is caught for a touchdown.

Touchdown. Touchdown. Bwak!

Help!

Help!

Got to wonder why it didn't go out of bounds...

Mister. Mister. Come quickly. Man in boat. Man in boat.

Shut up! Not now!

All right, Bradshaw. Come on.

Gary's running with the football.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh. That's it. Hey look at that...

He slid about 5 yards.

Second down and ten yards to go. The Rookie...

What the hell is this?

Ah!

Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

I thought I'd never find you.

Just who are you looking for?

Who am I looking for?! You! Trabucco!

There's nobody here by that name.

There's nobody here by...

What are you trying to do to me?

I've been to 93 islands. It's taken me months.

I'm sorry. You got the wrong island.

Fix up his boat!

Give him a gallon of water, and away he goes!

Oh, for God's sake! Don't you recognize me?!

Victor Clooney! The turkey!

The piss brain!

Oh, yeah. The shit head.

That's the one. Now you got it.

Why didn't you say so.

I thought I was going crazy. Too much sun or something.

When are you leaving?

I can't leave. I'm wanted.

Not by me.

By the police. I'm a fugitive.

They can't pin Gambola on you.

Gambola nothing. I blew up the whole freaking clinic.

With your wife and the doctor?

Yeah. Well, the doctor's back in East Berlin.

Celia ran off with the receptionist.

Here I am. I almost didn't make it.

Almost doesn't count.

It's a goddamn tropical paradise. How'd you find it?

I picked it up cheap. 11 hundred dollars.

It used to be a leper colony.

What happened to the lepers?

They moved them out when they started testing the A-bomb.

There's lots of radiation around here... and sharks.

And man eating turtles.

Well, I guess you're stuck with me.

What have I done to deserve this?

Aw...

I'm glad to see you, too, buddy.

But there's no need to get emotional about it. Huh?

Lunch... it is ready!

Just a minute. There'll be one more for lunch...

...and dinner, and breakfast. Where can I wash up?

Oh, when you fix my bed, would you put a board under the mattress... bad back, you know.

When does the rainy season start?

Tell me, Tatupu.

Didn't you guys use to have human sacrifices around here...

tossing people into that volcano?

Yes, but not for 200 years.

Ever think of reviving the custom?

Well, for that you must have a leap year, and a full moon,

and a virgin.

We don't have to be that neat.