All language subtitles for Avocado.Toast.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Goddammit, see
that's the thing,

I also don't understand

when people say things like
Goddammit or Jesus Christ

for a curse.

No matter what religious
affiliation you come from,

we can all agree
that Jesus Christ

was like a really
good dude, right?

So like, why did we
say it as a curse?

Why don't we replace
it with like,

I don't know terrible people.

You stub your toe, you're
like, "Oh, Adolf Hitler."

Or like you pour hot coffee
in your lap, you're like,

"Oh, oh, hot coffee,
Christopher Columbus."

Christopher Columbus?

Oh yeah, apparently
a really bad dude.

We were completely misinformed
in elementary school.

Oh, stupid guy
can't catch the ball.

These pro athletes
get paid millions

of dollars a year
to catch balls.

You'd think their video game
avatars could do the same.

If I was a pro, I
would catch every pass.

Oh yeah, just like you'd
make every single sale?

So why aren't you out there
making your millions then?

Oh dude, you have no idea.

I have a mint idea in the works.

You put your kids in a car
seat and they are contained.

The nice, steady rocking

of your vehicle
knocks them right out.

Kids always fall
asleep in the car.

And that is why I came
up with the bed seats.

All you have to do is
strap your little spawn

in with these restraints

and they will never be
able to climb out of bed,

and they will finally fall
asleep when you want them to.

And as an added bonus, patent
pending car simulation.

Obviously just a
prototype, oh.

A couple more tweaks, those
things will sell like dog meat

at a Chinese wet market.

I'm having an affair.

You're what?

I'm seeing another girl.

Just like in like a movie,
real world adult shit man.

I'm cheating on my wife.

A little bam bam in the ham.

Bone storming the castle.

Going to pound town
with another bunny.

Pickle tickle by
another chicken.

Okay, okay wait,
going to pound town?

This is the time to
try out that phase?

You're serious?

Yeah, what do you think?

I think you're a
complete son of a.

Oh no, it's just daddy.

Ah, Saddam Hussein.

- Hey babe.
- Hey.

How was the game?

The game, the
game was fantastic.

I crushed it.

You would have
been so impressed.

Matt however is the most
disappointing human being

I've ever met in my entire life.

Why?

You promise not
to tell anyone?

Sure.

You promise not
to tell anyone?

- Sure.
- Not even Jen.

Matt is putting his banana
into a different fruit salad.

What, he's cheating on Maddie?

- Yep.
- Get out, does she know?

- Nope.
- What about the kids?

I don't think
they know either.

Okay no, I mean like what
is gonna happen to them?

Those poor kids!

This is all so crazy.

I can't even process this.

Yeah, I totally understand.

This is like beyond insane.

My best friend got a
passport, packed his bags,

purchased a ticket and flew
straight to pound town.

I'm sorry babe, it's rough.

Can you turn on a
show or something?

I gotta get my mind off of this.

Hey Chad, I'd like to buy this.

Go ahead and scan it.

Excuse me?

Grab a scanner and scan.

Isn't that your job?

$2.32.

Can I get a bag please?

Sure.

Wow, excellent
customer service dude.

Thanks for shopping at
Big Jim's corner store!

I've got some
potentially upsetting news.

Oh no, now what?

Monthly promotion changed.

Ugh, you gotta be kidding me.

I know, again.

They gotta stop
doing this four days

before the month starts.

I'll send you the
email, make the changes.

Thanks Rene.

Mary, did you get the info
on the change for next month?

- No.
- If I send you some numbers,

can you replace them for me?

- Sure.
- All right, thanks.

Chandelle are those new
website photos ready?

- No, Ricky had those.
- Thank you.

Carol, have you seen Ricky?

Okay, thank you.

Hey, have you seen Ricky?

Not since this morning.

Hey man, have you seen Ricky?

Ricky?

Oh sorry Doug, just
looking for Ricky.

Ricky, oh hey you look good man.

No chance, bro.

No one can find him.

Ricky, do you have the
updated photos for the website?

Which ones?

The updated product shots
for next month's promotion.

- It changed?
- Yeah.

To what?

Now if you buy a
garden solar panel kit,

you also get a garden toolkit.

That's lame.

It's actually a
really nice kit.

Still lame.

It comes with the nice leather
carrying bag and an apron.

Chandelle should be on that.

Chandelle, are you kidding me?

Are you sure?

Oh, come on!

Dude, focus please Ricky.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chandelle
should be on that project.

She's better.

- Chandelle?
- Yep.

Ricky told me that
you were working

in the new garden tool kit
photos for the website?

- Yep.
- Okay, but you told me

that Ricky, never mind.

Can you email them to me please?

- Yep.
- Thank you.

Turns out we're going
to the original plan

for promotion this month.

- Great.
- No need to change.

- Hey Tim.
- What's up?

You know, those
are for everyone.

I know, I'm just putting
a stash of them at my desk.

But what if we run
out of them in here?

Look, the fruit
snacks always go first.

That's why I take a huge stash

and I just put
them in my drawer.

I mean, are we supposed to
go to your desk to grab them?

Either I can come up

and grab one every day
like a homeless person

or I can just come grab them
all at once every month.

It's actually more
time efficient bro.

That's for you.

I think we'd prefer for you

to come in here
though once a day.

On the rare occasions
where inefficiency is best,

he left a mess.

Oh no, no, just start please.

Just start, it's your only job.

Just start!

No Connor,

why would you show me that?

- That's disgusting.
- It's fricking awesome.

Here, look at this one.

No, no I'm good.

And you're terrible.

You're a terrible,
horrible person.

Wait, what's
going on down there.

Connor's showing me
pictures of his poop.

What, it's human art form.

I mean, look at this log.

I did this this morning.

It came straight down,

landed perfectly vertical
in the toilet bowl.

I'm surprised it
didn't fall over.

I mean, look at this?

- No.
- Okay, okay, let me see it.

Look at that.

That is awesome.

Okay all right, let me see.

Oh, oh my gosh no.

Okay, take this.

You know what, full disclosure

and I'm no expert
on this Connor,

but I'm fairly certain
COVID-19 originated with you.

It's just poop,
everybody poops.

It's a book, a New
York Times bestseller.

I mean, why do we have to
be so weird about poop?

Hell, you know who poops?

The Pope.

The Pope poops.
Also true.

Adam, Adam, save us please.

All right, all right,
all right guys listen up.

Poll question, so I'm
at the office, right?

And I'm in the
community break room

and this stupid little
hipster kid walks in

and steals all the fruit snacks

and stashes them at his desk.

He does that so that he
doesn't have to keep getting up

to get more.

Now I say one fruit
snack for one trip.

What say you?

Wait, who was it?

Tim, the Copywriter.

Oh yeah, that
guy's a total douche.

- Douche.
- No, it's fine by me.

I mean, whatever makes
your life easier.

Connor, your whole
life is the easier.

What about the rest
of the employees?

Survival by the fittest?

- Survival of the fittest?
- Yes, survival

- of the fittest.
- Connor,

they're for everyone.

It's not the fricking
hunger games.

Ugh yeah, I can't even
rationalize that line of thinking.

It bothers me so much

that there's all these dumb
millennial kids just doing

whatever they want.

Whoa Adam, you know
you're millennial, right?

- Yeah.
- What?

No, I'm not.

- Yeah, you are.
- You guys?

What year were you born?

- '86.
- Yup.

- Ooh, millennial.
- Millennial.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's see that.
From 1982 to 2004.

- Yep, that's you.
- What, no!

- Totally.
- You guys,

I always thought millennial
were like way younger than me.

I'm not terribly old,
but I always put myself

in the Gen X tribe.

No way, Gen X is the lame.

But that's how I
lived my whole life.

I always worked really hard

and always tried to
do the right thing.

I hate millennial mentality.

Could you try the organic
lotion on my feet?

I just love the way
it makes my toes feel.

Do you hear that?

Yeah, he's always millennial.

Hey, make sure you get
your cuticles this time.

We saw your feet last week,

- oh my gosh.
- Okay, stop.

Hey, I wanna buy this drink
and you're gonna sell it to me.

So get off your damn phone

and scan it and then
put it in a bag.

Now ask me if I want the
receipt in the bag, ask me.

Would you like your
receipt in your bag?

No, no I wouldn't.

Actually, I don't know what
kind of credit card information

is left on there.

Oh, just the last four digits,

but still I don't wanna give you

or anyone else the satisfaction
knowing the last four digits

of my credit card dipshit.

Thanks for shopping at
Big Jim's corner store.

- Hey babe
- Hey.

What's wrong?

I'm a fricking
millennial that's what.

- What?
- A millennial.

A selfish, lazy penis
ball cancer on society.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Okay, you don't care.

Go ahead and make fun of me.

No, no, no, no,

I'm not making fun of you.

And newsflash,
you're one of them too.

So what's the big deal
with being a millennial?

I hate them.

I don't even want to
identify with them.

The millennial mentality
is the complete opposite

of all of my core beliefs.

I know, one might say that
they are the inferior race.

- Exactly.
- I know.

Okay, you're definitely
making fun of me.

Okay yeah, that time I was,
but I wasn't the first time.

I can't even get the
support of my own wife.

Okay, I don't get it, just
because you are a millennial,

it doesn't mean you
have to be one of them.

Well, that's just it.

I realized I hate
millennials so much

because I'm jealous of them.

Everything they do
is the exact opposite

of how I live my life.

I'm uptight, stressed
out, a little dramatic.

A little?

The point is I do
everything by the book

and I look at these piss
hand kids and I'm envious

of how nonchalant they are,

how they can do whatever
the hell they want

without any consequences.

Okay, well I'm sure there
are some consequences.

I can't stop
thinking about this.

Thinking about what?

About embracing millennialism.

Okay, well I think you
should just go to bed

and you'll stop
thinking about it.

I'm pretty sure this is
just like another one

of your things.

I'm gonna start
living among my people.

I'm going to become
a millennial.

Meaning what exactly?

I'm gonna start
being more selfish.

If I want a piece of
cake for breakfast,

I'm gonna eat a flipping
piece of cake for breakfast.

No more being Mr. Responsible.

So you're just going to
start doing whatever you want?

- Whatever.
- Absolutely whatever?

Completely whatever,
100% whatever I want.

So is this like the
one time you went vegan?

Do you guys have anything
vegan that comes on a bone?

All right,
does this little game

include other women?

Oh no,
this is no game.

All right, I know,

but you're just
like way too sweet.

You can't even come up with
your top five celebrity list.

Okay well, that is
way too much pressure.

Only five women?

My goodness, too
many parameters go

into that decision for me.

I mean, who is on your top five?

Will Smith, Channing
Tatum, Zac Efron,

Dwayne the Rock
Johnson and Gal Gadot.

Okay well, that was a little
bit delivered too quickly

for my liking.

I know, but if you come
to bed, I will show you

who my main man is.

I can't, I feel like my
heart's beating out of my chest.

Is the millennial you
just like that excited?

Nope, I had my
first energy drink.

I think it's working
a little bit too good.

A little too well.

- Hey man.
- Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing.

Are you going to work?

Yeah, I just wanted
to talk about something

- with you real quick.
- Okay.

I just figured you'd be
someone who would understand

what I'm going through.

- Eggs?
- No, I'm good.

So with your inside information,

what is the next big social
movement going to be?

My inside information?

Yeah, so I was late
to the whole acceptance

of the gay phase.

Not a phase.

What I mean is I was
the borderline bigot

to the gay community
even though now I've come

to accept their decision.

Not a decision.

Okay, I need you to
stop taking offense

to everything I'm saying.

Stop being offensive.

Okay, just listen all right?

This isn't about your stuff.

This is about my stuff so
just shut up and deal with it.

I'm not trying to offend you.

Well, you are so.

Oh well, I'm sorry.

It's so hard

for me considering I think
all gays are going to hell.

Nice, and more simply

because you think
penises are gross.

Well, I'm even
repulsed by my own.

Love is love, man.

Okay, and that's
exactly why I'm here.

Look, I don't care
about the gays.

Screw them, I missed
that social fight.

Ah, straight White
male life, so simple.

Okay, I can fight for my
straight White male rights

if I had to.

Could you though?

Thank you all for coming.

- Yeah, USA, USA
- USA, USA.

Go away, go away.

This was a mistake.

Guys put the signs
down, put the sign down.

Okay, shut up.

Look, what is the next big
social movement going to be?

What do you mean you don't know?

Teddy, come on.

I need to be on the front
lines of accepting it.

Adam, it's not like the gays

or the minorities get together

and have secret meetings
about how to overtake society.

Bestiality it's
bestiality isn't it?

I'll do love is love.

Oh come on, man.

I'm on your team.

I don't want you on my team,

but also I don't know what the
next big social movement is.

I think everyone should
love who they wanna love

and be comfortable and accepted

for who they are, that's it.

That is so generic.

I got a question geez.

Sorry to interrupt your love.

If God doesn't accept
homosexuality, right?

Sorry Teddy, and he does not
accept bestiality, right?

Is it more worse
or more punishable

if like a human dude got
it on with an animal dude?

Or is it like two
different things,

or is it because there's two
negatives it makes a positive?

Does it even matter?

Connor, you are
completely naked

in front of your gay roommate.

Relax, I mean it's not

like Teddys' gonna
rape me or anything.

Still Jezebel, you're just
throwing temptation out there.

Oh, hold on.

That is closer to bestiality.

- Wow, hey!
- Oh, come back here Rona.

Oh come on, don't be so sad.

We're just playing.

I love you Connor.

Anyway, what is this,
what's happening?

Oh, well I have
decided to come out

of my proverbial
closet if you will

and embrace my
millennialistic ways.

What does that even mean?

I'm glad you asked.

Ah, I wondered
what that was for.

Okay, let's see here.

Millennial, a person
reaching young adulthood

in the early 21st century who
grew up on computer technology

and is often referred to as
the me, me, me generation.

Okay?

So I am going to
become a millennial.

Okay, just so I
have this straight.

You coming out as a millennial

is the same as me
coming out as gay.

See, I knew you'd get it.

- You're so brave.
- Thank you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Millennial wouldn't even
be in this dictionary.

Oh okay, I think you
might be more millennial

than you give
yourself credit for.

What?

I wanted it to have a
more dramatic effect.

No, this is nice.

I like this.

Good job, I approve.

Thank you.

How long did that take you?

Way too long.

- Hello there, Father.
- Hello brother.

What can I help you with?

Oh father, I am
here to prepent.

You're here to what?

- Prepent
- Prepent?

Prepent, I would
like to confess

of sins I'm going to commit.

It's not exactly how it works.

Well, I figured I can come
in here and take care of all

of the guilt and the feeling bad

and the confession stuff
now so I can go out

and enjoy the sin with
a clear conscience.

We are here to avoid sin.

- Right.
- And to try our best

- to be like Jesus.
- Right, I get that.

But you're wanting to go sin?

- Correct.
- And confess those sins

before we actually
commit those sins.

Correct, you get it.

This isn't in God's teachings.

- Agreed.
- So why would you want

to go sin?

Well, I figured we're
all imperfect, right?

- Right.
- And we all sin, correct?

- Correct.
- So why not confess

of the sin now so we
can enjoy them later?

Because then those
things would be even worse.

Why?

Because they'd be
premeditated sins.

Well, that's why I
wanna confess of them now.

Prepentance isn't a thing.

I beg to differ.

I'm literally
doing it right now.

Sort of a confession
before the crime.

What's the difference?

What kinds of sins are
we talking about here?

Oh, I don't know exactly.

Then how are we
supposed to prepent

if you don't know
what your sins are?

So prepentance is a thing?

I'm just trying to understand.

What propellant is.

No, I fully get the concept.

I want to understand what
sins you're wanting to do.

Well, here's the thing.

I have been a pretty
straight shooter.

I'm talking grade
A heavy material.

That's a good thing.

But I'm going through
this like life crisis.

And I just wanna let
loose, Carpe diem,

sow my wild oats, rub my
nose into some fruit salad

if you will.

But you don't know

what commandments you
would want to break?

No, no, no, not really.

I mean, I'm open to
some suggestions.

I just know I wanna
become a millennial

and basically be more selfish

and do whatever the hell I
want, oh excuse me father.

My worry is that you
will stumble into sin

and then not be able to get
yourself back out of it.

Right, right, that's
definitely a possibility.

What about your family?

Oh, they're on board.

I guess that settles it.

So I have your blessing then?

- No.
- You vocally said no there

but I feel like
your heart said yes.

- No
- I love you Father.

What's going on here?

They're seeing who can
hold their pee the most.

Okay you guys, I came
here to reveal my big plan

and how I'm gonna start living
my life as a millennial.

My third life
crisis if you will.

That makes it sound like
it's your third life crisis.

I think you've had one,
two, three life crisises.

Good point, not like
it's a third point

in your life crisis?

Mid-life crisis works.

If we used half-life crisis,
it would just cause confusion.

Okay, but like a third of my
life, what would I call that?

I think that's why
a third life crisis

isn't a thing bud.

Why are you doing so
much better than he is?

Oh, I didn't even come close
to drinking my gallon of water.

You beautiful bastard,
you son of a, move, move.

First order of business,
get some new friends.

Whatever.

I don't mean I'm
gonna replace you.

I just need additional friends.

I just need a splash
of class in my life.

Where do I find sophisticated
people like the ones

that go to museums or
talk politics or whatnot?

How about at a museum?

Okay, but I don't want
to actually go to a museum.

Okay, so what is that?

I didn't make it.

Connor, go take a shower.

Why do I even have to tell you?

That should be your next step.

- Sorry, jeez.
- Awesome.

It's not like I drank
a gallon of water.

All right you guys, come on.

It's time for me to reveal
my plan "Home Alone" style.

I don't understand
that reference.

You know, when little
Kevin makes the blueprints

for when the robbers are coming?

That's a pretty
obscure reference..

Dude come on, just go with it.

You're ruining my
big reveal here.

I mean, if you
were just gone aah!

Then I'd be right
there with you.

That has nothing
to do with this.

Well then, use a
reference that works.

I'm sorry, it's just
the best Christmas movie

of all time I would
have expected you

- to get it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

"Home Alone" is not even
the best "Home Alone" movie

of all time, let alone
the best Christmas movie.

Are you suggesting that
when little Kevin is lost

in New York City that
that's a superior film?

- Yeah.
- Cheap for a sequel rip off

as if Mr. And Mrs. McCallister
would lose their son again.

Not to mention the title has
nothing to do with the plot.

He's not even home alone again.

Whatever, it's still not
the best Christmas movie

of all time.

Oh yeah, what is?

"Love Actually".

Yeah, I mean maybe.

I'm sure all
your gay friends say that.

Lift yourself higher Adam.

Okay, so basically
I made a detailed list

of all the things that I could
find that millennials do.

A simple Excel spreadsheet
would have sufficed.

Yeah, but not nearly
as cool or dramatic.

I expected you to be the
one to understand this.

Oh my God, another
gay stereotype.

That is so sweet.

Dude, you should dust off some

of your famous high school
journalism with this.

Are you concerned with
a modern day cast being

in a Shakespeare period piece?.

Nope.

Drama in the drama club.

Rumor has it that chip prices
will increase next week.

Can you confirm?

I don't know.

Inflation attacks
high school ta ta tan!

Whatever the high school
equivalent of a Pulitzer prize is,

I would have it.

Whatever Adam, this is just
another one of your charades.

You'll be done with
this soon enough.

Not this time my gay friend.

Props to you.

The next time you both see me,

I will be a full
blown millennial.

Bye!

Anyways, I think if the
entire world converted to bamboo

instead of use plastic,

you could end all the
atrocities of war.

Oh, look at this grandpa.

Yeah, nice head dick wad.

One, two, three.

- Roar!
- Roar!

What is this?

You got the claws.

- Oh no!
- Truman!

The master's waking up!

Set and fire!

- Are you sick?
- Nope.

Aren't you gonna
be late for work?

What work?

Hardy, ha ha.

No seriously, I quit.

You're joking?

No seriously, I quit.

Hey kids, why don't you go
downstairs and watch a show?

- No, we wanna play.
- No, we wanna play.

Oh, if you go downstairs
and watch your show,

I'll make you pancakes.

- Pancakes!
- Pancakes!

You quit?

I'm pretty sure.

Well, did you or didn't you?

It's not funny.

Well, it's not, not funny.

Why did you do that?

Well, it was a diss kind of cake

and they said they would put
whatever I wanted on the cake.

Okay no, why did you quit?

Well, I was doing a job
that I hated for so long.

It was time for me to be happy.

I don't think
that was really fair

that you didn't even talk
to me about it first.

Well trust me, this
is just one little step

of my millennial journey.

Okay well, I hope
that works out.

Hey, I got you.

Yeah well, curiosity
killed the cat you know?

So I have nine
lives to do my thing.

That is not what that means.

It means that the
cat was so curious,

it ended up killing itself.

Why not curiosity
killed the dog.

I mean, I guess cats are
more curious than dogs.

I don't know, I find
dogs quite curious.

Okay, that's
not what it means.

And I didn't come up with
the saying so you can stop

- being an ass hat.
- Stupid saying really.

What are we gonna do

for money now that
you don't have a job?

Oh okay, I see how it is.

You're just using
me for my paycheck?

Yeah, 'cause this
girl has got to eat.

Okay, we're gonna be fine.

I have enough PTO cash that
will last a while, all right?

- Hey there!
- Hello, are you Sydney?

That's me.

I'm Adam, I'm
here to interview

for the barrister position.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- Corporate guy aren't you?
- Was.

Why'd you quit?

No more Mr. Ratchett.

Keep playing.

I'm just looking for
something new and exciting.

- Huh?
- Huh, what?

Don't know if
you'd be a fit here.

Why is that?

Am I not young or cool
or hip enough for you?

I mean, I think it's unfair
to judge me so quickly.

Just don't know if
you can hack this job.

I've worked a much
more difficult job

for the past 10 years.

I think I can handle
pouring coffee.

This job is crazy
and fast paced

and it doesn't pay that well so.

I'm game, I want this job.

Excuse me, eyes up here please.

Okay, okay, we'll
give you a shot.

Great, when do I start?

Right now.

- No, stop, no!
- What, do I push this button?

No, I told you it
was the other one.

I'm sorry, it's my first time.

No, stop spraying everywhere.

- Whoa!
- Adam, I was talking

about the espresso.

Oh, sure you were.

Jeff, here you go.

Have a good day Jeff.

Did you just see my
customer service?

I did and it was impressive.

You hired the right guy.

I guess I did.

Who's this?

Oh Todd, this is Adam.

He just started today.

- Hey man.
- You needed another person?

- Yeah.
- I see.

- He's a bit dramatic.
- I'll say.

What is this?

The kids are at my mom's

and we are gonna have
a millennial day out.

Oh?

I'm trying to do this with you.

I don't deserve you.

Oh wait, are you kidding me?

- This place?
- Oh come on,

this is like the most
millennial place in town.

It's hip, modern and
everything is vegan.

Yeah, I don't wanna do this.

Oh come on, millennial
up Adam, let's go.

Oh, Lord help me.

- Oh my God.
- Come on.

Hello?

Oh, what do you want?

Can I get a
raspberry iced tea?

I'll just have a decaf coffee.

Oh, 'cause you don't
already have everything, mmh?

$8.36.

Oh, and can I get my receipt?

Wow, service here
is really great, huh?

Hmm mmh.

It's a pretty cool
place though, yeah?

Yeah.

- Are you okay?
- Hmm, what, yeah.

Oops.

Do you have a problem with us?

Excuse me, I'd like to
speak to your manager!

What are you doing?

I don't think he should
treat us like that.

It's fine, it's fine.

Is everything
alright over here?

Oh okay, is he bothering you

'cause I can kick him out?

No, actually your
employee over there

has been extremely rude to us.

Oh gosh, sometimes it feels
like I'm running a daycare.

I apologize for
Todd there, he's.

Anyways, I'm Sydney.

Oh, Jennifer and this is Adam.

But of course.

Are you gonna shake her hand?

Oh no, no, I think that
would actually be rude

to shake her hand, or your
hand or like anyone else's hand

'cause I'm actually still
practicing social distancing so.

I love this guy.

Anyway, you two enjoy.

Oh, I forgot something.

Why are you being so weird?

It's this place,
it's not my vibe.

You forgot this.

Oh, look at that, a
souvenir.

Well, thank you so
much for the coffee

and the tea and the
souvenir and the hand shakes

and it's just great, great.

We should probably
be going you know?

No, we just got here.

Come on, let's just.

Thank you, thank you.

All right, I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.

Don't be so pretentious
as if I'm coming back.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello, how are you doing?

Good.

So what happens next?

Right, ask if you can help
the customer with anything.

Well, I was
looking at this car.

Can you tell me
anything about it?

This is a blue car.

Oh, interesting, interesting.

So it runs well?

It's a good model of car?

Hmm hmm.

All right, I'm gonna be
straight with you, Paul.

I don't know enough about cars

or know what to
even ask about them.

So I'm just gonna
say if it runs well

and it looks pretty,
that's good enough for me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So I think I'll take it.

Okay, you have
a good day, sir.

Paul, Paul, get
back here, buddy.

I'm gonna need you to
listen to my words.

I want to buy this car.

That's great, my first sale.

Oh well, that's surprising.

I'm glad this
could be our first.

It's more special that way.

All right, I'm gonna make this
a real quick and easy for you.

I just have one simple request.

You know those big bows
that you put on cars?

Is there any way I
can get one of those?

Just right on the top there.

Maybe the front.

We don't have those here.

I think they only do
those on TV commercials

or on luxury cars, not
on cars less than 10,000.

Right, right, well Paul,

I don't know what
to tell you, man.

I mean the car is great and all,

but I really just want
one of those bows.

There's gotta be something
that you can do for me.

Come on Paul.

Look out folks, just a sexy
guy driving on through.

I like your
sunglasses daddy.

Oh, thank you darling.

Mom, can I wear my sunglasses?

No sweetheart.

But daddy is.

That's because daddy's
having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, ha ha.

What's a
nervous breakdown?

Don't worry
about it, just eat.

Truman, how in the world

do you make such a
big mess every time?

- Come here.
- Hey!

- What?
- That was mine!

- Oh, I don't think so.
- It was on my plate.

- What was?
- My roll.

- What roll?
- Hey, why did you do that?

- I do what I want.
- Don't worry Iris,

I will get you another roll.

But dad took mine.

Because dad wanted that one.

Don't worry, dad is gonna
get in trouble for that one.

- What?
- Dad, don't have

to be such a donkey dick.

Whoa, who taught
you that word?

From you two.

Okay, you can't say
that word anymore.

- Why not?
- Because it's a really mean

and bad word.

Well then, don't take my roll.

Fair enough,
let's shake on it.

Dad, do you
wanna play with me?

Not tonight, buddy.

Tonight, I'm
playing video games.

Can I play?

Nope, it's a grown up game.

I can play a grown up game.

No, no, no, this is just for
me guys, maybe another time.

- We want to play.
- Uh uh.

- We want to play.
- You guys.

- We want to play.
- This is my night.

- We want to play.
- We want to play.

- We want.
- We want.

Hi, what can I get ya?

Hi, can I just get
one double espresso.

Sure thing.

- Adam, one double espresso.
- Yeah.

Adam?

Hello, Adam.

Hello, are you there?

- Hi!
- Sydney, hey,

what can I do for you?

How did the morning go?

Oh, it was good.

A little crazy, but it was good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He messed up a lot.

It's okay, he'll get it.

I think we'll keep him.

Oh boom, no
soldier left behind.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just didn't
like that joke just now.

Oh, sorry.

No, it's not your fault.

My dad was a soldier

and he died overseas
a few months ago so.

Oh my gosh,

I'm really sorry.

I should not have said that.

I got you so good.

Wait, that was a joke?

You're too easy, man.

Dude, dead dad joke, not cool.

But really, how did
the morning rush go?

Well you know, I did learn
something pretty big today.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you would be alarmed

and I'm talking alarmed

about how many guys
use the restroom

and don't wash their hands.

No, no, no, no,

you would be surprised

at how many girls
don't wash their hands.

- Really?
- Really.

I mean, guys are
generally so gross.

I expect more from the girls.

No.

You know, the no washers
are definitely disgusting,

but I think I found
something worse today.

- What?
- The over washer.

So I went to the
restroom, right?

And there was a fellow employee
who will remain unnamed

and he was doing
his pee pee time.

And then he goes
to wash his hands.

I go do my pee pee time and
then I go wash my hands.

He's still there washing
his hands mind you,

which isn't really a big deal.

I wash my hands for the
normal amount of time

for washing your hands.

Which is?

Which is singing happy birthday,
generally that timeframe.

Okay, go on.

Anyway, so I finish up and
Todd is still scrubbing away

and I'm just like what
happened over there?

Like he was leaving a
crime scene at the urinal?

Yeah, like what did you
touch in your nether regions

to justify that
much hand-washing?

Stop being a bully.

I will be doing orders in
the back if you need me.

All right kids,
it's time to go.

At least try to clean up
around here or something?

Love you guys, have fun today.

I'm really not
happy with the choices

that you're making right now.

Love you too hun.

I wanna stay home
with daddy and have fun.

Oh, but then it
wouldn't be fun anymore.

All right kids, let's go.

Let's go get in the car.

Okay.

Come on, time to get in the car.

Time to go

Let's go you stinker.

Dude, I
can't shake this girl.

The manager girl?

Yeah, it's weird.

I've never had feelings
for anyone other than Jen.

And now I already feel
like I'm cheating on her.

Dude, it is no big deal.

It's just like I can't
stop thinking about her.

I feel like I'm in
high school again.

Like that time you
tried to kiss Becky

while she was in the
middle of taking a test?

No, no, this is more like in between the
time I tried to ask out that deaf girl

and the time I got broken up with one
of my girlfriends in the skating room.

Yeah, you look
really, really cute.

To this day, I
haven't been skating.

You need to get laid.

- Stop it.
- No, you know what I mean.

You're too wound
up and you know it.

Look, I actually
feel really good.

This whole doing
whatever I want thing

is really working for me.

- Well, I have an idea.
- What?

- Let's set you up on Tinder.
- Tinder?

Oh no, I am not ready for that.

Come on man, this is
all part of your idea.

You got to test the
waters, experiment?

- No, no.
- Hand your phone.

- Matt.
- Hand me your phone.

- Okay Matt, come on.
- Hand me your phone.

- Dude.
- Hand me your phone.

This is your burner
phone, right?

My burner phone?

Yeah, you can't have
two lives with one phone.

I have to have two phones now?

How else do you think
we're gonna do this

without you getting caught?

I don't even wanna do this.

Okay, you know what?

Take yours, we'll set
up your Tinder account

on my primary phone

and then there's no
way Jen will catch you.

Okay yeah, this logic
is riddled with reason.

Smile!

All right, now what is
something interesting about you?

Hey Connor, what is
something interesting about me?

I don't know.

Okay.

Hello, oh hey.

Wait, you have a
violin recital already?

Oh, are you excited?

You are so awesome.

No sorry, I can't make it.

Yeah, daddy's got to work
even at night pumpkin.

All right, all right,
you're gonna kill it though.

You do good.

Love you, bye bye.

Lying to your kids now?

Okay, so what happens next?

What are you doing?

Scrolling through people's
profiles and clicking like.

Wait, do they know
you're doing that?

Yeah, it sends
them notification.

Okay well, I wanna see.

Oh no, no, no, no, no,
no, you are no good at this.

You can't even come up with
the top five celebrity list.

Okay well, if I'm supposed
to like these people,

I at least should
pick them, yeah?

Okay, but I get
to hold the phone.

Fine, okay no, no.

Her nose is too big.

- What?
- No, no, no, pass that one.

Okay no, too much
makeup, my goodness.

That's a low hairline.

Nope, oh no, nope.

No, swipe, no.

Oh, her eyebrows are
so close together.

She's cute.

Quasimodo, pass, pass.

Oh, hello buck teeth.

Okay, come on man.

- What?
- You're saying no

to every girl.

Well, yeah, 'cause
they're not right.

How did you even get one
girl to fall in love with you?

- What is that supposed to mean?
- It means you're being too picky that's what it means.

It means that you
don't even understand

what a beautiful
girl looks like.

Look at this girl,
she's gotta to be what,

an eight at least?

I don't like her haircut.

You're not gonna be bone
storming her hair cut.

Well, if that's how she
takes care of the upstairs,

who knows what the
downstairs looks like?

Sometimes that's a good thing.

It's good to explore
some creative downstairs.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what,

you couldn't have gotten
a match with her anyways.

Oh okay, okay yeah, go
ahead and like that one.

I'll show you.

Like it, or swipe, or push
the yes I want this button.

- Just tell her yes, come on.
- Liked.

Goodness, so
what happens next?

Well next, you wait to
see if you're lucky enough

for her to give you a like
and then you have a match.

Don't worry about it.

I'll start some conversations,
get you a date or two.

This actually could
be a lot of fun.

Well, I'm glad that my
love life just brings you

so much entertainment.

It really does.

It's kind of like a
video game or something.

All right, I gotta go.

Oh hey, I should
head out with you.

I got a third date with
this chick tonight.

I'm hoping tonight's
gonna be the night,

a little bone storming.

Dude, how do you keep lying to
your wife and getting away with it?

I don't know.

Betty White.

Hello, beautiful.

I love it.

She'll like it.

I think you've arrived.

What are you talking about?

You're a full on
millennial, bro.

You think so?

Only one thing left to do.

What?

You gotta give Sydney
the old naked hug.

Dude no, I can't.

Come on, years from now,

you don't wanna tell your
kids you went part millennial.

You wanna go full millennial.

Carpe diem, just do it,
the time is now baby!

Yeah, rousing
speech Shakespeare.

Okay, then just go
on a date with her.

No, I'll still feel like
a majorly cheating on Jen.

Think about it this way,

it's not like you're
taking another job.

It's just like you're
going on an interview.

So you'll do it?

- Okay, perfect.
- Wait dude,

what are you doing?

- Hey Mikayla, right?
- Sydney.

Oh, that's what I meant.

Yeah look, my name's Matt.

I think you know my
friend Adam, right?

I think so.

Okay look, I'm trying

to set up this little
double date thing

I'm not that good
at planning though.

I'm wondering if you
wanted to come over

and maybe we could
figure something out?

I guess I could.

Cool, come on over.

- I'll follow your lead.
- Okay.

So, double date huh?

Is your wing man gonna
be doing all the talking

for you as well?

Whoa, I'm not
actually gonna be going,

our buddy Connor is gonna
go with your friend.

Well, tell your friend that
I will see him there at seven.

Oh and maybe make
him some flash cards

so he has something to say.

Right, right, right.

Dude, you got a date
with your crush,

but you can't screw this one up

'cause it's work romance too

and that could look
bad for everyone.

- Dude, why aren't you gonna be there?
- All part of the plan my man.

See with Connor there,

you are gonna look like a
knight in shining armor.

Odd dates, why, why, why!

Is that gonna be me if
the date doesn't go well?

I think your
break's about done.

Yeah, yeah.

Where are you going?

Out with the guys.

Well, since you seem to
be making all the decisions

for us, do you wanna tell me

how we're gonna pay
for these bills?

I don't know, take
it out of our savings.

What savings?

Let's pay with a credit card.

Okay, I consider myself
to be a pretty chill wife

and I hate how I'm
turning into a nag.

Well then, don't nag.

I feel like I have to.

We have a responsibility to
provide for our children,

something which you seem
to have forgotten about.

You know what,
I got another job

so we should be able
to make it work.

Right, minimum wage plus tips.

Yeah, doesn't quite cut it.

I am sorry I finally found
something that I enjoy doing.

All right, well
this little experiment

is putting a strain on things.

Nope, and this is no
longer an experiment dear.

I actually enjoy
being a millennial.

Yeah, you like it because you get
to do whatever the hell you want.

And what's wrong with that?

You made a decision
to have a family

and I hate to break it to you,
but you don't get to do

what you want all
the time for forever.

Sure I can.

I married you because you
had your head on straight.

You were patient and you were
mature and loving and selfless

which are tremendous attributes
for a father and a husband.

And this whole new outlook

that you have can only
go so far before you have

to make a big decision.

Oh, what's that?

If you wanna keep
your family or not.

Oh yeah.

Dude, you're disgusting.

What, I gotta eat or
else I'm gonna get sick.

And if I get sick, none of us
are gonna have a good time.

I already feel sick.

No, you're just
nervous and it's okay.

I mean, I was nervous the
first time too when you know.

Dude, I'm not nervous sick,

I actually just don't feel good.

And you realize this
isn't my first time right?

I've been married for 10
years and I have two kids.

You don't have to throw your
accomplishments in my face.

- Why did you wear that stupid shirt?
- It's not a stupid shirt.

You're a stupid shirt.

You want some?

No, we're about to eat dinner.

- Hello ladies.
- Hello.

This is Keira.

- Hi.
- Hi Keira

This is Connor.

Okay, I guess we'll sit down.

So, can we get you
ladies anything to drink?

Sure, that'd be nice.

Neither of you are like
wishy-washy fems, right?

You know, like there's
hardcore feminists

that are all about equal rights,

but then there's the
wishy-washy ones.

What's the difference?

Okay well, the wishy-washys
are fighting for equal rights

but they also expect
traditional chivalry on dates.

You know, like opening doors and paying
for the meals or something like that.

I'm just like, you're
trying to have the best

of both worlds and you
can't have it both ways.

We're fine paying
for our half.

Oh good, thanks.

No, I was actually
just kidding.

Just making a
stupid observation.

He does that a lot.

I can't help it.

There's just a lot of
stupid things to observe.

Well, what about me?

Is anything stupid about me?

Nope, no, there's
nothing stupid about you.

You're just beautiful, and
smart, and funny and good.

So what about you Connor?

What do you wanna know?

I'm just trying to get
to know you a little bit.

Well, what would
you like to know?

- What do you do for work?
- Fine, go ahead and ask that.

Excuse me?

Jeez, what's with all the
vague what you do questions?

Get to the point Karen.

Oh my God.

Keira, he is a joke.

We're just gonna head
to the little boy's room

and freshen up okay?

That's disgusting,
we don't need

to know about your details.

I'm talking about
me and you buddy.

Oh no, I'm good.

Okay, we'll be right back.

Dude, what the hell are
you doing out there?

Relax, it's a
part of my strategy.

Your strategy
is to berate them.

No, no, no, no, no,
I'm not gonna rape her.

Oh my God, no berate, berate.

Look, I act like I don't care,

like I'm not interested in her

and it makes her
want me even more.

So the more act like
I don't want her,

then she's gonna love it.

I'm like, I don't want her,
but then she wants this.

Dude, you're taking
it too far all right>

- Okay, fine.
- Tone it down.

Oh my God, I think I gotta shit.

My goodness, my
stomach hurts so bad.

See, you should've
ate before we came.

Shut the hell, get out there
and make nice, all right?

Stop being such a doofus.

Did you just flick me?

Get out there.

What?

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

What's your dog's name?

Felix.

- That's quite the name.
- I know.

Okay, so they seem to be
getting along a lot better.

I ordered for
you, I hope that's okay.

Oh yeah, what'd you get me?

Pig's feet.

Oh really?

Yeah, the waiter says
they're really good

so I just went with it.

Tell me about yourself,

something that's
not work-related?

Well, I'm from Michigan

and I still have a
sister that's back there

with my mom and dad.

Okay, why did
you move out here?

I wanted to new experiences.

I like mixing things up you
know, keeping life interesting.

Plus Michigan is
a bit of a hole,

like a hell frozen
over kind of hole.

Why?

The town I'm from,
people just, I don't know,

they stayed the same as
they were in high school.

Not a lot of growth or change

and I guess I just realized

that I wanted to explore life

and I want different
places around the world

to help shape who I am.

Lately, I kind of
feel like I've gotten

into like just a rut.

My life is just the same routine

like all my other high
school friends back home.

Yeah, you have.

Okay, how would you know that?

You have kept everything
safe and consistent.

I'll have you know

that I was quite the party
animal back in my day.

- Oh really?
- Hmm hmm.

All right guys,
who's flexible?

I got not one but
two games of twister.

You eat the same thing
for lunch every day.

Okay, so you're keeping
tabs on my lunches now?

What can I say?

I'm a lunch stalker.

Gosh, I envy you.

How so?

You're just carefree and
you do whatever you want.

Life is short.

I mean, do what makes
you happy right?

What makes you happy?

New experiences, exploring,

meeting new people.

What I love most of all is
doing things I'm afraid of.

That is so awesome.

That's disgusting.

Oh, you're serious.

I'm sorry, no, no, no.

You weren't supposed
to see that.

Keira, what's wrong?

He has pictures of
his poop on his phone.

Wow, gross.

Yeah, he does
actually have those.

Come on Syd.

Reschedule, I guess?

Yeah.

Cool.

Everybody poops, it was a
little nugget like a little nut.

- Dude!
- I didn't show the big stuff.

- Oh my God!
- It's okay, you want a roll?

- No.
- There's a lot of them left.

I think we should all
have crowns on, don't you?

- Hmm hmm.
- No, you don't want a crown?

- Hmm hmm.
- Look I think they're...

What are those?

They're eating giant fruit,

- that's almost the size-
- Giant pears.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry, my roommate's sleeping.

Let's go over here.

Oh sorry.

What's up?

I just wanted to apologize.

That is not how I
wanted this date to go.

It's fine, it's
not your fault.

And Keira's just a
bit overdramatic.

- So everyone poops.
- Exactly.

I mean, just not everyone
takes pictures of it.

Right, right, yeah.

I am sorry about my friend.

Connor can be a
real tool sometimes.

I really wanted to go on
a proper date with you.

Me too.

I should go.

You don't have to.

I mean, you could
stay or whatever.

I should probably go.

Are you sure you
don't wanna stay?

You can come in.

No, I'll just catch you later.

Okay.

How long have I been gone?

Too long I guess.

Is this just
some scare tactic?

This is math.

We can't even afford next
month's mortgage payment.

Where are the kids?

At my mom's.

We'll stay there

for a while until we can
find a smaller place.

Is there room for me there?

Not currently.

Look, I can get another job

or maybe try to get
my old job back.

If you're not happy
with me and the kids,

what's the point of
dragging this out?

Don't you think you're
rushing into this a bit?

Iris was devastated
when you didn't show up

to her violin recital.

She cried a lot.

You made your daughter cry

because you just want
her to go out and play.

You used to be there and
you're just not anymore.

And I don't wanna
fight with you.

I don't wanna argue with you.

I wanna do what's
best for the kids.

And I can't live with this
behavior as a pattern.

It looks like I
screwed this one up.

Care if I take these?

Whatever you want Adam.

Hey sorry it's so early.

I thought you were...

Is everything okay?

No, I wouldn't say
everything's okay.

Well, what's going on?

You knew about
it before I did.

So you tell me?

How did you find out?

Found a message in
one of his phones.

Look Maddie, I am sorry.

That I found out

or that I've been cheated on.

It looks like we're
headed towards divorce.

Matt doesn't even seem to care
that he hurt me or the kids.

He told me he was
glad he was caught.

Look, Maddie he-

- That bastard could do
whatever the hell he wants.

I hope you
know what you're doing.

Dude, I know what I'm doing.

There's this little chica
that I met the other night.

It worked out well.

Do you wanna make some
old fashions for dinner,

make a night of it?

You need to slow down.

Hey Adam, come on in buddy.

You didn't text us back

so we weren't sure
if you were coming.

What is this?

We're celebrating.

Hey man, I actually
just came from your house.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marriage is over, I'm
finally free so come on.

What are you gonna
do about your kids?

I don't know.

Maddie will just keep 'em.

Hey man, I actually
really like Maddie.

You don't know what
the hell you're doing.

I mean, she's okay but
now I can do whatever I want

so we're celebrating.

You're an asshole.

And you guys, you're assholes
for doing whatever this is

and I'm an asshole.

I can't believe I
actually wanted this.

We're hurting people.

People that we should
care about the most.

And yeah, I can't.

Adam, haven't seen
you for a while.

Yeah, yeah that's
basically why I'm here.

What can I help you with?

Well, I don't really
have anybody to turn to

and I basically
need some advice.

Of course.

So it looks like prepentance
doesn't really work.

I did all of these things
that I knew were wrong

and now I just feel
worse than I ever have.

My wife already
wants to leave me

and I just feel like
a terrible person.

So what do I do?

- Repentance.
- Repentance?

Repentance, go fix everything.

Go make amends as best you can.

Say sorry to all those you
offended, especially your wife.

So it's almost like
repentance for prepentance.

Let's just drop the
prepentance term, okay?

Fair enough, thanks Father.

See you at church on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Hello everyone, this
is my first time

and probably my last
time going live.

Well, the thing is I'm
actually going live

but this message
is actually only

for my wife and my kids so.

Oh wow, hey Jake.

Thumbs up to you too Shelly.

Okay, I can see
why people do this.

Anyways, a couple months ago,

I decided to be a jerk.

I was feeling trapped

and feeling like I
didn't have my own life

or that I was doing anything
that was just for me.

I did some pretty wrong things.

The grass isn't always greener.

The grass is actually
luscious green

with my family

and I temporarily
lost sight of that.

Jen, if you're watching this,

I'm really sorry.

And I hope that
you can forgive me

and that you can give
me the chance to try

and earn your love
and respect again.

I promise that I will
be a better husband

and father than I was before
this whole experiment of mine.

I love you.

So you just don't like it?

Yeah, it isn't me.

I don't really
know what we can do.

I've never had someone try
to return a car before.

Well, you've also never
had someone buy a car

from you before.

A lot of firsts
between you and me.

Would you want another car?

I think I'll just
take my old car back

if that's okay with you.

My father-in-law's gonna
be so flipping PO'd.

Wait, if I sell you
your old car back

that still counts
as a sale, right?

Well, look at
you growing all up.

All right, so why don't
you sell me my car

for the same price I
sold it to you for,

and then I'll
return this new car

for a slightly less price.

Seem fair?

Boy, I'll say.

All right, put it
here buddy, yeah!

Hey, your shoe's untied.

Oh, I've missed you.

Oh Fluffy!

That is just one
curious little critter.

Oh, I can't believe.

Yeah, I don't think
he's coming back.

Maybe you could you do like a
little service or something?

I'm gonna go.

Have a good day guys.

I'm sorry about that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I was thinking that we
should talk about last week.

Yeah, that might be good.

Yeah, so I shouldn't have
done that, kissed you, I mean.

Oh yeah, I mean
probably not a good idea

to dip in the company ink.

Right, yeah, yeah that too.

What do you mean?

What?

- What's the too?
- The too?

Yeah, I said it's not
good for co-workers to date

and you said, "Yeah, that too."

I'm not following, I'm sorry?

What's your too?

The other reason why
we shouldn't hook up?

You know, if you're gonna
dump me like a child,

then at least give me
the truth like an adult.

Okay, I didn't dump
you like a child.

Really I mean, called in
sick, avoided me for three days.

And every time you
went to the bathroom,

you'd go outside around
the back corner just

to avoid passing my desk.

Okay, so now you're keeping
tabs on my bathroom habits?

Yeah, I'm a pee stalker.

Come on, just tell me, okay?

It's cool, we're gonna be fine.

It was just a kiss.

So you remember that
woman I came in with?

Yeah.

So she is my wife.

You're married?

Wow, you're married
and you didn't tell me?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that's a
pretty messed up situation

to put me in, right?

Wait, what?

You made me an adulterer.

No, no, no, no,
you're not an adulterer.

Well, at least an
accomplice to adultery.

You made me the
other woman Adam.

Okay, but it was just a kiss.

It wasn't even a big deal.

Yeah, a kiss is no big
deal, but with a married man

that's totally different.

Okay, okay yeah,
I am really sorry.

Have you told your wife?

Not exactly.

Okay, you're a
total piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, I am aware and
I actually agree with you.

My dad cheated on my mom

and then left us to be
with his new girlfriend.

I don't have a lot of
respect for cheaters.

Well, at least your dad is
still alive right?

You know, like the joke
about your dad being dead?

Speaking of death, I
actually killed a cat today.

Choose your moments
Adam, you're fired.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, nice shot.

- Hey man.
- What's up?

Security lets you in here?

Yeah, I snuck in.

Ratchett will be
pissed if he sees you.

Yeah, I think
he'll come around.

Hey, I wanted to talk to
you about the other day.

I got nothing.

Okay yeah, all right
look, it's on me, all right?

It's all on me.

I want to apologize

for attacking you
on your special day.

Dude, you just used bunny
ears on my special day.

That can't possibly
mean you're sorry.

I'm sorry, I realized I
don't respect your decision.

Oh, you're knocking this apology
out of the party slugger.

What works for you
just doesn't work for me,

but hey, I'll always love you.

Thanks, but this
is what I want.

Yeah, yeah, this is your path
and I can't join you on it.

It's your thing.

It's definitely not mine.

I totally kissed Syd.

- Shut up!
- Yeah.

What the hell?

Tell me about it.

I mean, there's
nothing to say.

I just went to her
place after the date

and it kinda just happened.

How was it?

I mean, it was
pretty good I guess.

Anything else?

No, no, I told
her I had to go.

A little chug though?

- Oh my gosh.
- Yes?

Maybe a little.

Things were changing down there.

But the point is, it was
very quick and it was wrong.

And I felt terrible.

You're crazy, man.

You have a black eye?

Did you tell Jennifer?

No, no, no, this is Syd.

She didn't know I
was married and just.

Oh, that's hilarious.

So that means you're
unemployed now?

No, actually I
got my old job back.

Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please

please, please, please,
please, please, please, please

please, please, please,
please, please, please, please

please, please, please,
please, please, please, please

please, please,
please, please, please.

Wait, so are you
going to tell Jen?

Well yeah, yeah,
I'm taking care

of my other mistakes first.

And I'm saving the
big one for last.

- Dude come on.
- What?

Don't woos out,

go tell her right now.

Right now?

Right now man, right now.

Come on, you said it yourself,

you're better than me, right?

Yeah.

Go make sure you
save your family.

- All right, okay.
- Go!

- All right.
- Go!

Yes all right, thank you, yes.

Do you accept my apology?

- Yeah.
- Hmm hmm.

I love you both so much.

You're coming to my next
violin recital, right?

I won't miss it for anything.

Okay, hey buddy.

I gotta go talk
to your mom, okay.

- Okay.
- You guys can stay

in here for a minute?

- Hmm hmm.
- Hmm hmm.

I gotta go apologize.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right, love you guys.

Love you too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What happened to your face.

Oh, millennialism.

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, I know.

I saw your live.

And?

It was really sweet.

But?

But actions speak
louder than words.

Well, curiosity killed
the cat, all right?

- I'm a cat, I got killed.
- No, I get it.

Hey, I got my old job back.

And are you gonna be happy?

I'm happy knowing you
and the kids are happy.

I know, but I want
you to be happy.

I am, I am.

I was just in a funk.

Okay, okay, okay, come here.

Sit down please.

Listen, I'm gonna be honest.

Okay, I liked a lot

of the changes I made over
this last month or so.

It was really fun to
do whatever I wanted.

But then, I had a breakthrough

and I realized that
it's not worth it.

I realized that doing what
I wanted would just end

with me being alone and
I don't wanna be alone.

I don't wanna be without
you and the kids, I don't.

I want things just to go back
to the way they were, okay?

But, this time I want
complete honesty,

just everything out
on the table 100%.

So I have something
that I need to.

I sort of cheated on you.

Okay, that's it.

It was just a kiss, nothing else.
And I put an end to it.

It's completely over, okay.

Never again, honey.

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

Wow, I think it was the
right thing to tell me.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I mean, I can only imagine
how you're feeling right now.

Honestly, I feel a
little bit relieved.

I mean, so the thing is,

I've been cheating on you
for the last few years

but it was more than kissing.

I thought we were just being
honest with each other.

Can you say something?

Just say something.

Are we gonna be okay?

Can you say something?

What the f-

I'm really sorry, okay?

But we can't see
each other anymore.

I need to focus on my marriage.

But I really like you.

I know

Like in a lust kind of way.

I thought it was-

- I mean love maybe but.

Did you say in a
less kind of way?

Like in a lust.

- Oh, lust?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm very aware of that.

I'm very in lust with you.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull