Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(gasps)

That is the cutest thing I have ever seen!

Why am I talking like this?

Thank you. I know I normally wear floral cardigans,

but I thought I'd live on the wild side and try unicorns.

Not your sweater. That!

Seth, what is that?

It's a new species of animal I discovered

on my zoology expedition to Australia.

It's a "puppenoala."

A cross between a puppy, a kitten, and a koala.

Yeah, sure, it's cute,

but can it do this?

Anyway, it's pregnant with a litter and I...

(excitedly) I want one! I want one!

Chyna, I can't give the babies to just anyone.

I need to make sure they'll be properly cared for.

Please give me one! I'll take great care of it.

Uh... I'm not so sure about that.

One time, Chyna ran into the market

and left me tied to a parking meter out front.

Quiet! Bad Olive!

(sprits)

Oh, man. They've discovered a bald eagle in crisis.

They want me to lead the rescue team, but...

-I need someone to feed my animals. -I'll do it! I'll do it!

Because I'm a good friend.

And I'm super responsible!

Responsible enough to have a puppenoala!

Maybe two

so they can snuggle!

Sure it's not too much trouble?

No way!

(animals screeching)

No way!

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Guys! Have guys seen the chameleon?

It looks like, well, everything.

You may not know this, but as a possum,

you are one of a variety of didelphimorphs

that plays dead in order to avoid pests and other nuisances.

Interesting factoid...

(thuds)

Fletcher, did you see that?

I was just talking about the defense mechanisms

-of didelphimorphs, when suddenly... -(thuds)

(phone ringing)

(gasps) Oh no! It's Seth.

-I don't want to talk to him. -I'll do it.

Hi, Seth.

Horrible!

(chuckles) Um... Um...

What she meant was...

We miss you horribly

because we wish you were here to see how well things are going.

That's great! Mind if I have a word with Daphne, my duck?

A word?

Yeah. Daphne is exceptionally intelligent

and I've taught her to communicate with me.

Oh, really?

Can't let him talk to the duck! It will tell him how bad job we're doing!

Um, now is not really a good time

because the duck went for a walk.

Well, a waddle.

She went for a walk?

Yes. I know duck is naturally fatty,

but that's no excuse to not exercise.

But I'll tell you called. Bye!

-(sighs) -Chyna, how could you do that?

Look, I'm sorry I lied, but I didn't want Seth to worry.

I meant calling the duck fat! She's right there!

(quacking)

Paisley, you're finally here!

Sorry it took me so long.

These rolling suitcases are not as convenient as you would think.

I have so many things planned for your visit!

This morning you can compliment my hair.

At lunch, you can compliment my outfit.

And after lunch you can compliment me on how well I take compliments!

Wow! Your new school looks amazing.

Ha! It's supposed to be so fancy,

but they expect me to make my own bed.

I'll make your bed.

I just need a saw and some wood.

Mr. Grundy, sir,

given that I have an MBA degree from Harvard,

I was hoping I could have some responsibilities that didn't involve...

(shivers)

...children!

Look around. They're everywhere!

You have plenty on your plate as Den Mother.

It doesn't take up that much time.

When a kid gets hurt, I just tell them to walk it off.

If they have emotional problems, "Walk it off."

If they're homesick, "Walk it off."

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, they walk all the way home and never come back.

Well, I do need someone to test the new zPhone.

Oh! I'm your man!

I mean, I'm your woman.

I mean, not your woman. Obviously I'm way out of your league.

But thank you for the opportunity!

I need the new zPhone to be so simple, anyone can use it.

So I need you to test it out

on the least intelligent person on the planet.

Where am I supposed to find someone that dumb?

Paisley, if you want to cut that, you have to use the teeth.

Well, that makes much more sense.

That girl is the ideal test subject!

I want to know what kind of phone she would use.

I want you to pick her...

Let's say, brain.

Let me introduce myself. I'm...

I'm Winter. And your name is?

Come on. Don't keep me in suspense.

(sighs) What a day.

So far I've been roared at,

pooped on, and almost lost a finger trying to serve food.

It's like Thanksgiving with my cousins.

The only good part is I got to spend the day with my best friend.

(both) Thank you.

I mean Eleanor.

This chicken and I have so much in common.

We both love hugs.

We both hate eating chicken.

And we both cross the road for the same reason.

To get to the nail salon.

See, we got matching manicures. Look at that.

(device beeps)

Ah, It's time to feed the...

Alligator!

(growling)

(all screaming)

-Later gator! -No.

It's our responsibility to take care of these animals.

We have to do this.

Now, where's the alligator's food?

You're holding it.

What?

It says to feed the chicken to the alligator.

But I can't!

She's a living creature, and my friend!

Besides, we have a salon appointment at three o'clock!

We're both getting our hair feathered!

Okay, Paisley.

Your job is very simple. I just need you to test the phone.

You mean like a history test?

Who was the twelveteenth President

of the Un-tied Skates of America?

Why did I bother getting an MBA?

Mmm. You got us a sandwich?

By the way, I think it's pronounced BLT.

But don't ask me how it's spelled.

Mr. Grundy,

you're ruining my weekend with Paisley!

She's supposed to be helping me arrange my clothes

according to how inferior they make people feel.

Sorry, she's an employee of Z-Tech now.

Although, after seeing her try to eat a piece of wood,

I regret giving her dental coverage.

You hired Paisley?

She's a total airhead. She couldn't even get into this school.

Well, our standards are very high.

No. I mean she couldn't even get into the building.

She doesn't know how to work a door!

Let's try something very simple.

Try calling me.

Okay.

(yelling) Winter!

I can't feed Eleanor to an alligator.

We don't have to feed the alligator this chicken.

Why don't we just get a rotisserie chicken from the cafeteria?

Obvious factoid, alligators are hunters.

It's not going to eat a chicken that's not moving.

(in high-pitched voice) (Fletcher) La, la, la, la, la.

I feel so alive!

Get it closer to the alligator.

(Fletcher) I'm just going to go for a little stroll!

-(growling) -Looking tasty and showing a little skin.

I hope I don't run into a big, nasty alligator.

-This is a disaster. -I know.

Fletcher, your string work is shoddy

and the chicken's narrative is hackneyed and predictable.

Chyna, you can't keep the chicken forever!

You have to feed the alligator.

You're just jealous!

Jealous of the friendship that Eleanor and I have!

Well, you did take her on a hot air balloon ride and not me.

Chyna, your problem is solved.

I fed the alligator.

-What? The chicken is right here with me. -I fed it the other chicken.

-What other chicken? -The water chicken.

The water chicken?

Yeah, with the webby feet?

You mean the duck?

Whatever it's called. I'm not a urologist.

Fletcher! That duck was a scientific miracle.

The world's only talking duck!

Then it should have said something when I was feeding it to the alligator.

Like what? "I'm not a water chicken

because there's no such thing as water chickens!"

Something in that area, sure.

Seth is never going to forgive me!

I agree.

This is why I'm better friends with the chicken.

All right. It wasn't easy, but I got us a replacement water chicken.

It's a duck.

And where did you get it?

Just down the road at Lake Warning-Do-Not-Swim.

Are those leeches? Are you okay?

Not really.

They should probably put up a warning sign by that lake.

But this duck looks just like Daphne.

Seth will never know the difference.

(quacking)

Well, I do notice one difference.

This duck doesn't speak English.

Well, if Seth taught one duck to speak,

maybe we could teach this one.

-How? -Obviously, we should start with Latin

because that will make it much easier to learn other languages.

Let's try speaking English to it first.

Bonjour, mon petit poulet d'eau.

Why are you speaking French?

I don't know what I'm saying.

I've lost a lot of blood.

(thuds)

(quacking)

To make this phone as simple as possible,

I've stripped away all of its complicated features.

Though, by the look on your face, I can tell you have no idea

what "complicated" or "features" mean.

Anyway, tell me what you think.

I don't like the way it tastes.

You don't put a phone in your mouth.

You hold it up to your ear.

I can't taste it with my ear.

It doesn't have taste buds.

It has ear buds.

I think that's enough for today.

Or forever.

But I have so many other ideas.

Like, I'm always losing my phone,

so maybe it should have legs so it can follow me around.

Also, every phone has a camera,

but how come none of them have a back scratcher?

Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, because oxygen actually reaches my brain.

I'm hungry. Want to join me for an MBA?

Winter, I need to talk to you. I have a huge problem.

Walk it off.

I haven't gotten to spend any time with Paisley,

my best friend.

And I'm at a new school where all people care about are the unimportant things,

like how smart you are.

Paisley's the only one who cares what I'm like on the outside.

Believe me, if I could get rid of her, I would.

She's ruining my design with her ridiculous ideas.

Well, maybe you should use her ideas.

What?

Incorporate all of Paisley's suggestions,

give her all the credit,

and when the phone is horrible,

Mr. Grundy will fire her.

That's a great idea!

You're brilliant!

Brilliant? Ugh!

You're just like all the others!

You'd think in this day and age

a girl could just be judged on her hair and what she's wearing!

Come on! Say something!

Please talk to me!

Hey, how did you know Kevin James's pickup line?

Hey, you're Chris Rock!

It's Chris Rock!

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm looking for Seth, that zoology kid.

My daughters heard about those puppenoalas

and they just gotta have one.

You know what kind of pet I had when I was a kid?

A rock.

Yeah! Not a pet rock,

just a nasty ol' rock from the street.

And I was happy to have her.

Called her Roxie Rock.

I loved that rock.

How did you know it was a girl?

I just knew, okay.

Well, maybe we could help each other out.

I could put in a good word for you with Seth, then,

you could help me.

Sounds great.

Now, what can I help you with?

Well, I'm trying to get this duck to talk.

Easy. Tell me what you want the duck to say.

I'll say it to the duck and then he'll repeat it back to you.

You really think that will work?

That's how we get Rob Schneider to do all his lines.

You can do it!

Mr. Grundy, allow me to present you

with a prototype designed exclusively by Paisley.

Keep in mind, that this has all of Paisley's ideas

and none of mine.

I had nothing to do with it.

All her, no me.

Her, ah-huh. Me, uh-uh.

And I would like to add...

Yes?

That's it. I would like to add. I don't know how.

As a teenage girl with disposable income,

I'm interested to see how this phone works.

I hope it's good and not a mish-mash

of foolish ideas, all from Paisley and none from Winter.

With no further ado, I give you the world's first

dumb phone!

A phone with legs?

Yes. Once again, Paisley, da. Winter, nyet.

But wait. Is there more?

There is more. It tastes like peanut butter.

And behold! A back scratcher.

This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

I couldn't agree more.

No person on Earth would ever want to use this phone.

I certainly would not.

But almost every person on Earth already owns a zPhone.

However, you know who doesn't have phones?

Animals!

What?

I've been wanting to expand into the pet market for years.

We finally found our zoo-Phone!

It has a peanut butter taste that dogs find irresistible,

legs to take pets for a walk,

and a hand to scratch their bellies.

This is incredible, Paisley.

You have the mind of a lower life form.

You think like a poodle!

-Thank you. -Wait, not a poodle.

Poodles are very intelligent.

What's a dumber dog?

A chipmunk?

Marvelous!

I want to hire you for my new products division.

Division?

I can't do division. I can't even add!

Don't worry.

You'll be working hand in hand with a remarkably intelligent...

Duck.

Mr. Grundy,

(laughs)

did I mention this phone was all my idea?

I just gave Paisley all the credit because... Because...

Because you care about young people!

That's why Den Mother is the perfect position for you.

Sir, I have a big problem with this.

Walk it off.

This is great! Now I'll be around more.

What's the point of having you around if you don't spend any time with me?

I've been reduced to getting compliments from strangers.

Yes, it happens all the time,

but it's not the same.

Don't worry, Lexi.

I'll still be here for you.

I made your bed.

Olive! Check it out! I thought the duck how to speak.

Every town has the same two lakes,

the one swans go to, and the one swans used to go to.

Chyna.

Forget it, Chris. She's not buying it.

-That's Chris... -Yeah, yeah. It's Chris Rock.

Now can we focus?

Seth said he'll be back at eight, which only gives us...

No time!

Seth! What are you doing here?

Why are you back so early? Why didn't you call me?

Why don't you go answer these

and many other questions on a long walk far away from here?

We finished our rescue operation early.

We gave the bald eagle a hair transplant

and he's feeling much better about himself.

Hey, Daphne! Did you miss me?

She seems different.

Yes. She is very upset.

She heard that you left her to be with another bird.

Ooh, that's cold.

Exactly!

She told me she was probably going to give you the silent treatment.

Possibly forever.

She told you that?

Let me talk to her.

Uh... Sorry, she's only speaking to me right now.

What's that, Daphne?

Uh-huh. Oh, I got it, okay.

Well, Daphne said that even though she's mad at you,

I did a great job taking care of all the animals

and I totally deserve a puppenoala.

(clears throat)

Oh, yeah, and Chris Rock deserves one too.

Wow, I'm really surprised she said that.

Why?

Because ducks can't speak.

It's physiologically impossible.

That's what the doctor said about Rob Schneider

but we sort of proved them wrong.

But, you said you taught Daphne to speak.

No, I said I taught her to communicate.

She just quacks.

Once for "yes," twice for "no,"

and 17 times for, "Move it, nerd! Your standing on my foot!"

My point is, she could never speak English.

Well, she can now. It's a miracle!

What's that Daphne?

(quacking)

She said, "Hallelujah!"

What's going on, Chyna?

And Chris Rock?

Look, Seth, I'm sorry. I messed up.

This isn't Daphne.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but because of me,

we accidentally fed Daphne to the alligator.

Now, keep in mind, this was all Chyna's fault.

Not mine. I had nothing to do with it.

All her, no me.

Her, ah-huh, me, uh-uh.

Daphne!

(quacking)

Uh! You're alive!

How did this happen?

When Fletcher put Daphne in with the alligator,

she must've escaped.

Is that right, Daphne?

(quacks once)

That makes perfect sense.

Fletcher can't do anything right.

He even messes up at messing up.

Isn't that right!

(quacks once)

Seth, I'm sorry I lied to you.

Can you forgive me?

Well,

my animals seem like they were pretty well cared for, so, sure.

-(laughs) -And if you still want a puppenoala,

you can have one.

You should know, however, that they feast on human flesh.

Okay, I'll pass.

But thank you for not being angry.

And I'm sure Daphne here forgives me too, right?

(quacks twice)

Ooh, ooh. Let me ask this duck a question.

Am I funnier than Adam Sandler?

(quacks once)

Wow. Not only is this duck smart,

it's got good taste.

Guess what?

I told Chris Rock what a big fan I was

and that I was interested in doing stand-up.

You? Do stand-up?

You can barely stand up.

Anyway,

he said I should give it a shot,

so I put together an act.

Check it out!

(in high-pitched voice) My husband always complains

he's hen-pecked.

Well, if he doesn't want to be hen-pecked,

he shouldn't have married a chicken.

(Fletcher) Ha-ha!

La, la, la, la, la.

I can't believe I paid a ten dollar cover charge for this.

(upbeat music playing)