Original subtitles

-Whose birthday is it? -Everyone's!

We celebrate them all on Birthday Day

so we don't have to have 25 parties and 25 cakes.

Yeah. It's part of Principal Skidmore's "War on Fun".

For the record, I am against anything that reduces cake consumption.

It's un-American.

Okay! Time to exchange gifts!

Oh, right, gifts.

Let me just go get them.

This is for you.

This is for you.

Oh!

This is for you.

And for you, Olive, I got...

-A "Caution: Wet Floor" sign! -(exclaims excitedly)

It's in English and Spanish!

I love this so much!

Whoa!

School should really get one of these.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

- ♪ Doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Hope you didn't get anything this nice for Fletcher.

You wouldn't want to lead him on since he's totally in love with you.

What?

Olive, Fletcher is not in love with me.

And I'm giving him this glove I got from the dumpster.

I mean, the mall.

Well, just in case,

you might wanna casually mention to him that you have a boyfriend.

That way you let him down easy.

But, Olive, I don't have a boyfriend.

And even if I did, how would I just casually mention that?

Like this. "Hey, Fletcher.

Do you know what the specials are in the 'I have a boyfriend' cafeteria?"

Hey, Chyna.

Happy Birthday Day.

(gasping)

A remote control plane!

Cool! Thank you so much.

-Yeah. Let me show you how it works. -Okay.

Ooh, a plane.

-He must love me. -(plane whirring)

(plane whirring)

I have a boyfriend.

And do you know what the specials are in the 'I have a boyfriend' cafeteria?

Because I have a boyfriend, and my boyfriend wants to know.

Boyfriend.

Wow, I'm so embarrassed.

I gave you the wrong gift. This one's for my girlfriend.

(chuckles) You have a girlfriend?

Oh, yeah, and that message was for her.

You see, I got you a plane that says,

"Hey look! I got you a plane,

just like the one I got my girlfriend."

Girlfriend.

I've got terrible news.

Coach Mandy quit.

Breathing.

What?

She always told us never to quit.

What a hypocrite.

What now?

The Pom Pom Cheerlympics are on Friday.

Who's going to be our coach?

Hey, guys! I'm going to be your new coach!

So, who's ready to make some noise?

Gibson?

What could you possibly know about cheerleading?

(laughs) It so happens

I was cheerleading captain when I went to Webster,

until the incident.

(Gibson) I had led my squad to the finals.

I was hoisting Samantha Herkheimer into the air,

when a ladybug landed on me.

For most, it's a sign of luck.

For me, it triggered a horrific memory.

I was riding the bike I got for my tenth birthday,

when a ladybug landed on my hair helmet.

(crashing)

It was a traumatic experience, not just for me.

It reminded the ladybug of a horrific incident

it had witnessed just days earlier.

It watched its own mother being eaten by a praying mantis.

(in high voice) Mommy! Mommy! No!

Mommy! I'll always love you!

Does this story have a point?

Yes. The point is, as you can see,

I'm perfectly qualified to coach cheerleading.

(sighs) I shouldn't have lied about having a boyfriend.

I mean, what if Fletcher wants to meet him?

He does.

That's why I set up a double date for you guys on Friday night.

Why would you do that?

Because I couldn't get a reservation on Saturday.

Anyway, it'll be fun!

Olive, I don't actually have a boyfriend.

Oh.

Then it probably won't be that fun.

A double date?

-Dude, you don't have a girlfriend. -I know!

I mean, I don't know why I said yes!

It's Olive!

She got all in my head and twisted my brain around.

She's like an evil sorceress.

Yeah. It's hot, isn't it?

What am I going to do?

How am I going to find a girlfriend by Friday?

I've been trying nonstop for 11 years and nothing!

Hey, if I could bottle my lady magic I would.

But you can basically get the same effect by rubbing a hamburger on yourself.

Okay, ladies. We have a big competition Friday night.

Let's see what you got.

And five, six, seven...

Stop! I've seen enough!

We have a lot of work to do.

Let's start with the basics.

What is cheerleading all about?

Being popular

and making everyone else at school feel bad about themselves.

No, that's only part of it.

A lot of people don't know, "cheerleading" is actually an acronym.

The "C" stands for, well, cheerleading.

The "H" stands for heart.

The "E"...

Oh, man, I forgot what "E" stands for!

Eggs? Emphysema?

Earwax?

What about "E" for effort?

No. That makes no sense.

What about "E" for fun?

Ooh, how about energy?

Let's go with energy.

Okay, next.

Oh, man! Not another "E"!

I don't know, Chyna.

Holding auditions to find a fake boyfriend?

I can get any guy with just my eyes.

(chuckles)

Look, don't worry. I can feel it.

The perfect boy is about to walk through that door.

Next!

Hi. My name is Jared and I'll be reading for the part of the boyfriend.

By the way, I really enjoyed your play, "My Dinner With Chyna".

Powerful stuff.

Well, thank you. I'll read with you.

-(Chyna) All right. -Knock knock.

Hi. I'm here to pick up Chyna.

(monotonically) Nice to meet you. I am Chyna.

Wow. You are the most beautiful,

pretty, lovely, gorgeous,

well-put-together, attractive,

charming, vivacious, cute...

mesmerizing girl I have ever laid eyes on.

(giggles) He's perfect.

If you want to go with the obvious choice.

I like this guy.

He's got animal magnetism.

(howling)

All right. Getting a girlfriend is all a numbers game.

If you ask enough girls out, one of them will eventually say yes.

But, before you do.

(sighs)

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey. Are you free Friday night?

Either of you free Friday night?

Hey, are you free Friday night?

Please don't hit me.

Actually, I am. You need a babysitter?

Um. Yes. Yes, I do.

Um... I'll have my mom call you as soon as you turn around.

-(cell phone ringing) -Hello?

(in high voice) Hello, this is Mrs. Quimby calling about my little boy, Fletchie.

Wow! Great reception!

You sound like you're in the same room with me.

The "L" stands for leadership. And...

Seriously, another "E"?

Any questions?

Do baby teeth ever come back

or does the tooth fairy keep them forever?

I have a question.

Are we ever going to do any actual cheerleading?

-Yes. -Thank goodness.

You do get your baby teeth back.

Okay. Now, we're going to make a pyramid.

(Gibson grunts)

Okay, there are 6,000 more of these out in the parking lot.

Go team!

Whoo!

Hey, Olive!

I want your opinion about what outfit I should wear tomorrow night.

What do you think of this?

Too flouncy.

How about this one?

Too formal.

Well, how about this one?

Oh, and for modesty's sake, I really hope you like it.

I do, but it's missing a key accessory that would tie it all together.

Oh, you mean, like a purse?

No, I mean, like a unicycle.

What?

Fletcher has been asking a lot of questions about your boyfriend,

so I told him you met while riding a unicycle.

Why would you say that?

Because, in order to make a lie more believable,

you have to have specific details.

So, in case it comes up,

you both met on a plane in 2008 and exchanged numbers.

But you absentmindedly used it to spit out your gum,

so you lost touch, until you ran into each other

at the Sydney Opera House's production of Verdi's La Traviata.

Then you lost touch again, until last year,

when you all went on your annual family unicycling trip

in Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta, India.

Olive, I'm never going to be able to remember all that.

-You have to come with me. -What?

No, I don't have anyone to go with.

Looks like you need some arm candy.

Ooh, look! Arm candy!

Okay, girls, our next lesson.

Projecting your voice.

It's a skill my father taught me at a very young age.

Ooh, was he a cheerleader?

No, he just had road rage.

Here's how the drill works.

What's the matter with you?

Where'd you get your license? A cereal box?

Okay, now your turn.

Everyone, go to the parking lot and get a car door.

Ooh!

No. We're not doing it.

What? I can't hear you. Hold on.

Okay. Go.

We're not doing any more of your dumb drills.

You're out.

Wait!

I smell mutiny!

And not just because I'm wearing a cologne called "Mutiny".

I think you'll change your mind once you see my choreography.

Watch this.

(grunts)

(grunts rhythmically)

(grunts rhythmically)

Sorry, but we voted.

Seven votes to get rid of you, zero votes to keep you,

and one vote for Clay Aiken.

Fine. I'll go.

You won't have Gibson to kick around anymore.

So I'll leave you this dummy of me to kick around instead.

Here, I'll get you started.

(sobbing dramatically)

Hey, Fletcher. Where's your mommy?

Did she leave you here all by yourself?

-Oh, no, she saw you coming in. -Aw.

Bye, Mommy! Love you!

Uhm... I miss my mommy. Could you hold my hand?

Of course, Fletchie. Would a hug help?

It's worth a shot.

Where is Jared?

I specifically told him his character was punctual.

Wait, Pi is a math themed restaurant?

No, it's the math themed restaurant.

It is way better than Long Division John Silver's.

Hey, guys! This is Ella.

Isn't she sweet?

So, Chyna, where's your boyfriend?

Good evening, friends, Romans, countrymen!

'Sup.

Whoo! Go Wolves!

(clapping slowly)

The ladybug mishap also affected my ability to clap at a normal pace.

Gibson, you're too late.

We performed without you and we were awesome.

Oh, I'm not here for you.

Webster Wolves, meet the Gibsonettes.

Lexi, this is Susan. Susan, this is Paisley.

Paisley, this is Becky. Becky, did you meet Lexi?

You know what? We'll do names after.

-(upbeat music playing) -(cheering)

(upbeat music playing)

(upbeat music playing)

They're really good.

Shut up, Paisley!

You really have to work on your bad sportsmanship.

(upbeat music playing)

(dramatic music playing)

(screams) Ladybug!

(screaming)

Awesome! Now we're going to win for sure!

Huh.

In the movies, the ragtag team of misfits usually wins,

not the team headed by the evil blonde cheerleader.

I'll get this one.

Shut up, Paisley!

Open your mouth.

Here comes the spoon with your food on it.

I don't like to talk down to kids.

They know it's not a train, I know it's not a train.

Why is she feeding you?

Oh. Ella loves to take care of me.

But enough about our rock solid relationship.

Let's talk about you.

So, Jared, besides unicycling and dueling,

do you do anything interesting?

We mostly like to spend quiet time together.

That is, when he's not breeding llamas.

(laughs) Right.

He doesn't like to talk about that.

I love llamas.

Cradling a baby llama in my hands.

There's nothing more life affirming.

They're so gentle.

Actually, llamas can be quite vicious

and prone to spitting and sounding their distinctive alarm.

(imitating llama)

Why do you always undermine me?

Ever since Chyna and I started dating, you felt threatened!

Threatened I was stealing your best friend!

And I know it was you who cut the brakes on my unicycle!

(Chyna chuckles awkwardly)

Aw!

He's so possessive, and dramatic, and slightly unstable.

But that's what I love about him!

Mommy usually rubs my back after dinner.

Can you do that?

Aw! You have a little gas bubble?

No, I don't have a... (burps)

Huh. I guess I did.

She's so attentive.

(laughs) Well, that's what I get paid for.

Tell your mommies,

because references are everything in my line of work.

Work?

(stutters) Right, because...

Because relationships are a lot of work.

(Angus) Tell me about it.

Olive can be a handful,

but she's worth the effort.

More bread?

Hey, don't I know you?

Oh, yeah.

Two years ago, New Year's Eve.

Wait a minute. You guys used to date?

What? No, I babysat for him.

Now I babysit Fletcher. Small world, huh?

She's your babysitter?

(scoffs) No. Wow, are you jealous!

To make up a story like that

and implant it in her head somehow.

(laughs) What is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on!

Someone at this table...

is a murderer!

You hired her to pretend to be your girlfriend?

(sighs) Fine, the truth is,

I pretended I had a girlfriend because this thing between you and me...

You're just coming on too strong. I was trying to send you a message.

What? I have a boyfriend! A real one!

(text message beeps) Sorry, Chyna,

you´ll have to cast someone else to play your boyfriend.

I just booked a zit cream commercial!

I better start preparing for my role.

So, what was I saying?

(nervous laugh)

(Angus) I like that cologne you're wearing,

but this is what I usually use.

(vocalizing)

Lexi, this is Susan. Susan, this is Paisley.

Paisley, this is Becky. Becky, this is Gabby.

Gabby, this is Cindy. Cindy, this is Debbie.

Debbie, this is Emma. Emma, this is Amy.

Amy, this is Katie. Katie, this is Zoe.

Zoe, this is Julie. Julie, this is Kerry.

Kerry, this is Michelle. Michelle, this is Lexi.

Lexi, this is Amber. Amber, this is Paisley.

Nice to meet you, Paisley.

No, you're Paisley. This is...

(sighs) I'll just start again.

Lexi, this is Susan. Susan, this is Paisley.

Paisley, have you met Becky? Becky, have you met Cindy?

(Gibson) Cindy, have you met Debbie?

Debbie, have you met Emma?