Original subtitles

(Nicky G) San Francisco, the City by the Bay!

Where tonight, we're fishing for some talent!

Welcome to America Needs Talent!

I'm your host, Nicky G!

Usually I'm killin' it on the hit reality show, Yo! I'm from Jersey!

But tonight is not about me.

It's about finding America's next generation of talent!

And if anyone knows talent, it's me, because I'm full of it!

They've come from all over Northern California

to what I think is a high school.

I'm not sure, I've never been inside one before.

Oh, I'm so excited!

America Needs Talent is like one of my top 10 favorite TV talent shows!

And Nicky G is in our school!

I never miss, Yo! I'm from Jersey!

It's so much better than, Hey, y'all, I'm from Georgia!

And, Check it out! I'm from Saskatchewan, eh!

The only reality show I watch

is the one where contestants try to avoid eating poisoned cookies.

Deadliest Batch!

TV is just so good these days.

All these contestants are hoping to kill it at the auditions

and make it to the finals in Hollywood.

Like her. What's your name?

I, uh... Um.

Nicky G.

Cool! That's my name, too.

-You gonna kill it tonight? -Well, I...

I'm going to kill it!

The name's Lexi, but people call me Lextraordinary.

What? People call you a lot of things,

but Lextraordinary isn't one of them.

(mouthing)

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days We got it, we got it ♪

♪ If you can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

(man singing opera)

(music stops)

Hi, I'm Chyna Parks.

Winning America Needs Talent would be a dream come true.

A good dream, not the one where I open my sock drawer

and thousands of bees fly out.

(laughs)

I'm going to sing now.

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Tonight I'm unstoppable ♪

♪ Incredibly strong ♪

♪ Tonight I'm unstoppable ♪

Stop.

But I'm unstoppable.

For my audition, I will dazzle you

with the magic of magical magic!

I inherited this straitjacket from my grandfather.

Oh, was he an escape artist?

No! He was a danger to himself and others.

Now, for an amazing escape.

(grunts)

I'm starting to think there's some sort of trick to this.

(in fake German accent) Guten Tag. I am Albert Einstein.

If you are like me, you probably have wondered

what it would have been like had I met Marilyn Monroe.

Did someone call my name?

So, Marilyn, what do you think about physics?

I don't care about men's physiques, as long as they're smart.

(exclaims in German)

No! I can sing something else.

Or I can do impressions.

Okay. Here's my Aunt Nina judging everybody.

Mmm-hmm.

For my audition, I'm going to perform something I wrote

to honor the greatest state in this magnificent nation of ours.

New Jersey.

Yo! I'm from Jersey!

Huh. I had no idea!

♪ Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style ♪

♪ Gave myself a mani-pedi With a nail file ♪

♪ I'm a Garden State hottie Got a poof in my hair ♪

♪ I'm sweet like biscotti Make boys stop and stare ♪

♪ Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style! ♪

Whoo!

(groans in frustration)

I don't get it. Grandpa used to get out of this thing all the time.

(screaming)

How about I make you a sandwich? I really need to go to Hollywood.

Just relax!

I said "stop" because I didn't need to hear any more.

You made the finals!

You're going to Hollywood!

And I'll take a chicken parm on ciabatta bread.

Oh, my gosh! I'm going to Hollywood!

I have to go pack!

Oh, and pick out my song!

Oh, and decide what to wear!

After I make you a chicken parm.

This is incredible!

For the first time in America Needs Talent history,

two people from the same school made the finals.

Two people?

-Who's the other one? -Well, all of...

Olive? My best friend Olive is going to Hollywood with me?

Pump your brakes!

As I was saying, all of the other acts stunk,

except for one.

-Lexi Reed. -What?

Lextraordinary's going to kill it in Hollywood!

Well, I got my pants off. Is that anything?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(laughing)

America Needs Talent!

One of my kids is going to be on TV!

I was on TV!

Remember that time I fell down that well?

I had continuous coverage for three days!

One of the dangers of having a ten-year-old who fit in a bucket.

So, anyway, I'm going to LA!

And they gave me two airline tickets.

One for me, one for you.

(screaming)

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Okay, now, look, Dad, I know you're afraid of flying,

but we have to do this.

This is the most important thing

that has ever happened to anyone, ever!

Chyna, you always exaggerate.

You exaggerate like a million times a day.

Okay. Dad, I don't care what it takes.

I'm getting you over your fear of flying.

Peanuts, sir?

Would you stop kicking my seat?

(bawling)

Don't you talk to my baby that way!

When are we going to get off of this tin death trap?

-This airplane is perfectly safe, sir. -Safe?

The pilot barely finished tenth grade.

And he's steering with a soft pretzel.

Sir, please try to pull it together. I've been informed by the tower

that this is very important to your daughter.

This is your captain speaking. We're entering a patch of...

Holy fuselage!

We've lost an engine! We're going down!

(screaming)

Excuse me, is there a doctor on board?

Preferably a therapist?

Ugh! I can't fit all my makeup in here.

I need to look my best.

If Chyna beats me, I'll die!

America Needs Talent is a competition to the death?

These reality shows are getting out of hand.

Ugh!

Stupid airlines and their two bag limit.

Why don't you leave your makeup here,

we can buy new stuff when we get to LA?

Are you clueless?

No! I'm just doing a magic act!

I spent years getting the perfect collection of beauty products

to match my unique skin tone.

Sorry, Paisley. I'm going to need your bags.

But where will I put my clothes?

All right.

Let's get to the airport.

Paisley, my bags.

Right. Sorry.

See, Chyna? Driving is much less stressful than flying.

-Fletcher! Would you stop kicking my seat? -(wailing)

We're not playing that game anymore.

I know, but he yelled at me.

Okay, I cannot let Lexi look better than me on the show.

So which dress should I wear?

This one, or this one?

Chyna, put those down! I can't see!

-Sorry. -Go with the ruby one.

You always look better in jewel tones.

I can't wait to get to LA!

Me, too.

I'm trying to get on that game show, The Brainy Bunch,

"Where contestants flex their intellectual muscles and compete for cash prizes!"

(scatting)

(sighs) I really hope traffic is light on the freeway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We can't take the freeway.

We have to drive along the coast

and visit the Danish village of Solvang.

Look, guys, I really just want to get to LA.

I can't risk being late for America Needs Talent.

Chyna's right.

And I promised her we wouldn't make any unnecessary stops.

It says Solvang's local delicacy is called ebelskivers.

Little fried dough balls.

Fried dough balls? Scenic road it is!

-(police siren wails) -(tires screeching)

(Lexi sighs)

(exclaims) It's hot in LA!

I'm going to put on these shorts I bought in the gift shop.

(exhales)

Oh! And what are you waiting for?

Career advice?

(scoffs) Too late.

Okay, Paisley.

Here's my makeup. I want it organized alphabetically.

Okay, by color.

But everything in here's green.

What?

(gasps) Oh, my gosh!

There's like a million dollars in here.

What am I supposed to do without my makeup?

Why does everything bad always happen to me?

(sobbing)

Chyna, you know what you should sing on the show?

The stirring national anthem of Slovakia.

(singing in Slovak)

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

It would never be as good as Celine Dion's version.

Dad, why are we stopped here?

The sign says, "Scenic overlook." You can't overlook an overlook.

Especially not this time of year. It's walrus spawning season.

I want to see that.

Well, I don't see any walruses.

Let's go!

Maybe I can ask that portly, bucktoothed gentleman

if he's seen any walruses.

That is a walrus and he's blocking our way!

Relax. I'm very good with animals.

Move it, fatty!

(honking)

I wouldn't do that.

Your horn could be mistaken for the barking noise the males use

to challenge the dominance of the beach master.

What happens if we challenge the beach master?

I'm guessing that!

-(roaring) -(all screaming)

Okay, this is bad. Really bad.

No kidding. That walrus is slobbering all over San Francisco's cleanest cop car!

I wanted to be on America Needs Talent, not When Walruses Attack.

Although I would totally watch that show.

The walrus is fighting for male dominance.

He won't relent until he's won the affections of a female.

Okay, so we just need to get a female walrus.

Oh. Don't worry. I know where we can find one.

This is your plan?

What are we supposed to do now?

I guess we just get the walrus to be attracted to us.

(scoffs) No problem.

(in high-pitched tone) Well, hello there, you handsome fellow.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

You know nothing about flirting.

(roaring)

(screaming) Run!

(screaming)

I can't get out of this thing! Can someone give me a hand?

Uh-oh!

Paisley, you've been counting that money for an hour.

-Are you done yet? -Yes.

There is one bag of money.

Yes, yes! Did you find it?

(grunts)

So, did they find it?

Yes, Paisley.

That's why I threw the phone.

To celebrate that they found my bag.

Yay!

The bell boy must have accidentally switched it with someone else's bag.

The hotel's no help.

My aunt's getting a massage.

We have to look for it ourselves.

In disguise.

A mermaid?

What? You told me to dress like a maid.

You didn't say what kind.

Just put this on!

Housekeeping!

Cameron, are you okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, he seems fine. Let's get in the car and get back to LA.

Excuse me, folks. I'm going to need to ask you a few questions.

Uh, is there a problem, officer?

You weren't, by any chance,

harassing the local wildlife, hmm?

No way! If anything it was harassing me.

Are you aware that interacting with a walrus

is illegal in the township of Solvang?

Good sir, you could probably tell this

by my good manners and Nordic features,

but my great-great-grandmother was Danish.

Mmm-hmm? Looks like it was all downhill from there.

Okay, look, sir, we are passing through on our way to LA...

Right. "Passing through."

Because Solvang isn't good enough for you.

It doesn't have the bright lights and the big shows.

Well, I'll have you know that our local production of Thumbelina

was hailed by the Copenhagen Gazette as "utrolig."

Ooh! Sounds underholdende!

Are tickets still available?

No. And this is the only ticket you're going to get.

(giggles)

Eight hundred yonkerdoodles?

Is that even a real currency?

It is the official mock currency of Solvang.

Four yonkerdoodles to a dollar.

Can't we just work this out, cop to cop?

I happen to be a highly decorated member

of the San Francisco police department.

Oh, a big city cop, huh?

You think you can just come to our small town

and do whatever you want!

Ooh! Are those ebelskivers? I've always wanted to try one!

These are popovers!

You think you're funny, huh?

Laughing at that stereotype that policemen are always eating ebelskivers.

Well, let's see how funny you find things in "yail!"

And you said there was no way I'd ever get into Yale.

Please, officer.

While your windmill jail is charming and quaint, you have to let us go.

I'm going to be a contestant on America Needs Talent.

America Needs Talent? I love that show.

I keep waiting for them to bring Danish folk dancers on and they never do!

That takes real talent!

This is Officer Lars requesting backup.

(folk music)

Where is my money?

This some kind of joke?

This not my money!

Also not match my skin tone.

Housekeeping!

Sign say, "Do not disturb!" Can you not read?

Nope!

Hey! That's my bag!

And you spilled my bronzer!

You think you can get away with something like that?

(yells)

Don't-ever-touch-my-makeup-again!

Call me if you ever want job.

We have jobs! We're maids!

What are we going to do? The show's tonight!

Thumbelina? Did they add an encore performance?

I'm talking about America Needs Talent.

Right now, Lexi's probably in her hotel room,

slapping on her tenth coat of bronzer. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in windmill jail

with bail set at one million yonkerdoodles!

Look, it's not our fault.

We wouldn't even be in here if that Danish cop wasn't such a "yerk."

At least he gave me a shirt that wasn't covered in walrus slobber.

Wait! That's the windmill we're in.

And it has a window!

-(giggling) -I see it.

It's right there.

(giggling) Stop that!

Hey, that window should be right...

on this wall.

It must be behind the poster.

We can't escape through here. The blades are spinning too quickly.

No problem.

We can just wait until the winds die down.

According to historical meteorological data, should happen

by November. December at the latest.

November?

December at the latest.

Hey, where'd Fletcher go?

I'm over here!

No!

The windmill blades must be creating high suction pressure.

It must've pulled Fletcher out the window when he was standing over here!

All right. The next time I have the chance to win a national talent contest,

we are taking the freeway. Agreed?

Agreed.

-Agreed. -Agreed.

Don't tell me what to do.

(Chyna) Next time on A.N.T. Farm

Yo! Welcome to America Needs Talent!

I'm killin' it backstage in Hollywood

as the contestants arrive!

From crooners to contortionisters, we've got it all.

It looks like we're missing just one contestant.

Tween singing sensation Chyna Parks.

She's missing?

I mean... (gasps) She's missing?

-Can't you guys just jump down? -It's...

-Going... -Too...

Fast.

We couldn't take the freeway!