Original subtitles

(sighs) I love field trip days!

A whole six hours away from this prison.

Like last time, when we went to that prison?

-A breath of fresh air. -(chuckles)

Hey, before we go, I want to sing you a birthday song.

Thank you, Chyna, but I'm pretty sure I'd remember if it were my birthday,

especially given that I remember my actual birth day.

The doctor was so cute.

And of course, I looked like a mess.

I know it's not your birthday.

But I heard that the people who wrote "Happy Birthday"

get paid every time it's used in movies and TV shows.

-Really? -Yeah.

-The song that goes... (sings note) -I know how it goes.

So, I figured if I wrote a new birthday song,

maybe it will become even more popular than the original.

You think that people are gonna sing some new song

-instead of the classic... (sings note) -Seriously, I know how it goes.

And they might. How about this?

♪ I hope your ♪

♪ Birthday is as happy As a goose's wings are flappy ♪

♪ On this day your dad became a pappy ♪

♪ And your butt the doc did slappy ♪

Clap. Clap, clap, clap, clap.

(giggling)

You're Madam Goo Goo!

That's just my crazy stage name.

My real name is Chrysanthemum Turtleneck.

I am a huge fan.

-Can I get a picture? -Sure.

Here's one of a cat riding a bicycle.

Wait.

Weren't you just wearing a different outfit?

The lobster is a political statement.

I'm trying to let the world know that lobsters are people, too.

But, they're not. They're lobsters.

See, that's the man talking.

Only he's just doing it in the voice of a little girl.

The man does that.

The man is weird.

Anyway, I heard you singing earlier.

You have an amazing voice.

(laughing)

You have a good voice, too.

What are you doing in our school?

I had to use the bathroom.

My tour bus pulled up outside so I could sneak in inconspicuously.

I don't like to draw attention to myself.

I'd love to work with you sometime.

Let me give you my number.

I need a pen and paper.

There you go.

You can call me day or night, except night.

(laughs)

You're Madam Goo Goo.

I've got to go, but listen,

don't bother with a birthday song. People just like hearing... (inaudible)

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

- ♪ Doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Welcome, students, to the Smiling Dragon,

San Francisco's oldest Chinese restaurant

and fortune cookie factory,

where we produce over 5,000 cookies per day!

This is the greatest field trip ever!

This process was invented by my grandfather

100 years ago in China.

Actually, pastry anthropologists have traced the origins

of the fortune cookie to tsujiura senbei ,

a cookie first made popular not in China, but in Japan.

(speaking Cantonese)

(speaking Cantonese)

So, do you write the fortunes?

Oh, no. All fortunes are written by venerable, wise man.

He's a former writer for Walker, Texas Ranger.

Anybody care for a fresh fortune cookie?

(gasps) Oh!

-Thank you. -Thank you so much.

Thank you.

(gasps)

"You will meet a tall, handsome strangler"?

That's a typo!

It's should say, "Tall, handsome stranger."

A lot of these have mistakes.

This one says, "Success comes from hard pork."

Not a typo.

Hard pork our best seller.

I wonder what mine says.

"This ain't Texas, Walker.

You got no jurisdiction here."

What?

Listen to this one.

"Someone you met will lead you to riches and rewards."

(chuckles) This is about Madam Goo Goo!

Did I mention I got her phone number?

You have Goo Goo's cell phone number?

I love her!

I named a dish after her. Goo Goo gai pan!

Let me see! Let me see!

No, no, no. No can do.

We celebrities value our privacy.

Hey, Angus, what does yours say?

What does my what say?

-Hey, Lexi. -Hey.

I was wondering what to get McKenna for her birthday.

I know she loves animals.

(gasps) Maybe I'll get her some fried chicken!

I didn't know it was McKenna's birthday.

Yeah, the party's this weekend.

I can't wait to sing... (sings note)

I know the song!

But I didn't know McKenna was having a party.

Why didn't I get an invitation?

Maybe it's an all girls party.

Paisley, I'm a girl.

I'm the most popular girl in school.

I don't think so.

You didn't even get invited to McKenna's party.

(groaning) Oh, my tummy is killing me.

You ate too many cookies?

No, you can never eat too many cookies.

But apparently, you can eat too much paper.

(sighs) All right, someone is expecting my call about now.

Who?

Just Madam Goo Goo. No big.

(hyperventilating)

(screams)

I can't find Madam Goo Goo's phone number!

-Do you remember it? -No.

You never let me see it.

"Sorry. We celebrities value our privacy."

(screaming)

I've got to find that phone number!

Hey! Don't worry. We'll help you find it.

Let's retrace our steps.

No problem. I remember all our steps.

I just said, "No problem. I remember all our steps."

Before that, Fletcher said, "Don't worry, we'll help you find it.

Because I love you."

I may be paraphrasing a little.

Okay, so, I took the phone number out of my pocket

after I read my fortune.

So, I was standing...

right here.

So, I must have dropped it...

(gasps)

Into the fortune bin!

That's un-fortune-ate.

So, not the time for wordplay?

Okay. So, Madam Goo Goo's number is either in this pile

or inside a cookie.

All right. Well, let's start looking.

Where's Angus?

Any luck finding it?

Finding what?

Hey! What's going on here?

-You! -Uh-huh!

-Here for more cookies? -Uh-huh.

I'll give you a fortune.

"Old Chinese man going to scissor kick your face."

(exclaiming)

Oh, come on! Get out!

No! Wait, sir. I just need to find a phone number.

Out. Now. Employees only.

Okay, since it's employees only, I guess we'll just have to be employees.

What are you doing?

What's wrong?

You forgot to punch in!

All right, let's get to work.

Okay. I'll go steam some bok choy. You go shuck those tiny ears of corn.

Or we could just look through the cookies

for Madam Goo Goo's number.

What kind of impression is that going to make on our first day of work?

We're not really working here!

You two!

If you see this boy, call the police or animal control.

Hmm. You know, this is actually a pretty flattering picture of Angus.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so, we're not allowed in the kitchen,

but he can't tell us not to be in the restaurant.

Get out of my restaurant!

Get out!

We just want to order some food.

Oh. What can I get you?

Two questions.

One, how much are the fortune cookies?

Two, do you have a menu without a dragon on it?

'Cause this one scares me a little.

Two answers.

One, fortune cookies are free.

Two, be a man!

Fortune cookies are free?

We'll take 2,000.

With meal.

You have to order something.

(sighs) What are we going to do now?

We'll have the beef and broccoli, extra beef, hold the broccoli.

Crispy pork and snow peas,

extra crispy, hold the snow peas.

Do you have French fries?

I just don't understand why McKenna wouldn't invite me to her party.

I mean, true, in eighth grade, I stole her boyfriend.

And in ninth grade, I stole her boyfriend.

And this year, I stole her smoothie when she wasn't looking.

And her boyfriend.

So, seriously, what's her problem?

If you want to know why you weren't invited, just ask her.

I don't want her to think I care about her stupid party.

Which I just have to be at.

You're going to ask her.

Ask her what?

Put in this earpiece.

Now, just say what I say.

My name is Lexi and I'm so pretty and perfect.

Shut up, Paisley!

I don't say that. Shut up, Paisley!

Go over to McKenna first and then repeat what I say.

Oh, hi, Paisley.

Hi, McKenna!

Hi, McKenna!

I just wanted to ask you something.

I just wanted to ask you something.

Okay.

Ugh! Get away from me!

Ugh! Get away from me!

You came up to me.

What do you want, furball?

What do you want, furball?

Furball? I just waxed my femstache.

What? What is so important?

-(inaudible) -No!

I can't carpool to the party. I wasn't invited!

(sighs)

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

(gasps) Look!

You found Madam Goo Goo's phone number?

No, but listen to this.

"Your true identity will be discovered while standing in a bin of cookies."

Freeze! I know who you really are!

Wow, these fortunes are scary accurate.

(Kenny) As I was saying,

someone not belong in this kitchen!

You!

City health inspector!

Get out! You got your bribe this month!

Ah! You two trusted employees,

take over cookie machine!

Wow!

Can you believe he bribes the health inspector?

Considering I lost my pants somewhere down there...

Yes. Yes, I can.

Why did you order so much? We can't eat all this.

(slurps)

Okay, the cookies are here.

Let's see if we got Madam Goo Goo's phone number.

(grunts) This one's hard to open.

Seriously, be a man.

Ugh! The phone number's not here.

Can we get a few more cookies?

No. You want more cookies, order more food.

But we just ate.

We'll have the vegetables in oyster sauce,

hold the vegetables, extra oyster sauce.

The tofu and bean sprouts,

but instead of tofu, can we have pork?

And instead of bean sprouts, can we have pork?

Do you have mozzarella sticks?

We don't know how to make cookies.

We're going to get fired!

And I'm only 54 years away from my pension!

This is good.

We can check each fortune for the phone number

before we put it in the cookie.

Let's see. Nope.

Nope.

What the heck is this?

A fortune cookie.

This is not the proper shape.

Who cares?

Who cares? You'll never get promoted to hostess

with that attitude.

Quingling, time for your state-mandated break.

Lazy wife.

You, work the sprayer.

Okay.

Oh, this is much easier.

I can't keep up by myself.

(Chyna) Oh!

Hey! What you doing?

Floor filthy!

Another cookie hit the floor,

Cookie hit you!

Keep an eye on them, Cookie!

(muffled) Too fast!

More fast? Okay.

You really thought I said "more fast"?

Who says "more fast"?

Hey, you two, work more fast!

(Chyna) You know what?

Uh! That does it.

Give me the sprayer.

Forget it. This is my job.

(screams)

Okay, you can have it.

Good news, cheerleaders. We finally found a sponsor for our squad.

Are they buying us new uniforms?

Because I lost mine.

You're wearing it.

Yay! I found it!

Hey, where's Lexi?

It's not like her to miss a cheerleader meeting.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

Wacky?

You look different.

And you usually don't say anything.

I know. But I just wanted to talk about Lexi.

Hey! Let's list all the reasons why we hate her.

Well, she's kind of conceited...

Okay! Let's let McKenna go first.

(Lexi) Wacky?

I mean, fellow wolf?

Ow!

Okay, it's on.

(Lexi) Help!

Ouch!

(Lexi whimpers)

Wow, this fight is crazy!

I can't believe Lexi is missing this.

(Lexi screams)

(Lexi) Help!

So, what do you want to do after this, grab some pizza or something?

Oh!

Ugh! No phone number.

What are we going to do?

Goo Goo! Goo Goo! Goo Goo! Goo Goo!

He's telling me to be a man?

He talks like a baby!

(whimpering)

I give up.

I guess McKenna just doesn't want me at her party.

Does that mean I can stop spying for you?

Because I still have this invitation McKenna asked me to deliver

when she gave me mine.

Great. Who else is she inviting that's not me?

"I-X-3-7."

I guess it's some robot she knows.

I-X-3-7?

Let me see that!

This doesn't say "I-X-3-7."

It says "Lexi"!

This is for me.

I feel so stupid!

All these years, I had no idea my best friend was a robot!

What do you mean you're out of Goo Goo gai pan?

We're out of everything!

What?

What kind of restaurant has no food?

Yeah! This is an outrage.

I'm starving!

Oh!

Oh, thank goodness. My pizza's here.

Ugh!

There has to be something to eat back here.

Madam Goo Goo!

Thank goodness you're here!

Would you mind working the other side of the cookie machine for me?

Chyna's, uh, on a break.

(Chyna) Madam Goo Goo!

It's me! The girl with the birthday song.

Oh!

Love the fortune cookie outfit!

Look, I've been wanting to call you,

but I lost your number and I've been stuck working here,

and our boss is really mean,

even to his wife, Quingling, who is so nice!

Everyone say that, but you try living with her.

(scoffs)

No problem. I'll give you my number again.

Great! I just need some paper.

Oh, here.

Huh. My phone number's already on here.

♪ You only get one a year A time for joy and cheer ♪

♪ So blow out your candles You were born this day! ♪

♪ Feel free to get me a gift ♪

♪ Perhaps an eyebrow lift ♪

♪ It's time to party like a rock star ♪

♪ You were born this day! ♪

(all cheering)

Happy birthday, McKenna.

Chinese food delivery!

We didn't order Chinese.

This bag is empty, anyway.

I know. But I follow Goo Goo everywhere.

I love you, Goo Goo!

(poppy dance music playing)