Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hello, Chyna. You're looking very lovely today.

(mimicking Chyna) You're so sweet.

And handsome. And charming. And...

(shushing) Don't speak...

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

(mimicking Chyna) Yeah.

Hey, guys, I have big news!

There's a new Ant joining us today.

(in French accent) Is name is Nigel and 'e is from England.

That's my British accent.

It eez spot on, don't you think, governor?

Well, it's better than your Australian accent.

(in Italian accent) Good-a day-a, mate.

Throw-a another shrimp-a on the barbie-a.

So this Nigel, did he just move here?

Not exactly.

(whirring)

'Ello, I'm Nigel. Good to meet you.

Welcome to the Ant Farm.

That's my Swedish accent.

Gibson, you didn't mention

that there was something unusual about Nigel.

Sure, I did. I told you he was British.

No, I mean he's a robot.

(shushing) Chyna!

We do not use labels here in the Ant Farm.

Which is why I occasionally shmear paste on my bagel.

(laughs) I'm not a robot.

I'm in England speaking to you through this tele-presence device,

equipped with gyropscopic wheels, HD webcam, and an mp3 player for karaoke.

(electronic music playing)

Interestingly enough,

karaoke does not originate from Japan,

but rather from a 1960s American television show.

Sing Along with Mitch.

You two should get along.

You're a human in a robot body

and Olive's a robot in a human body.

Thank you.

Well, you seem very nice. For a robot.

Because usually in the movies,

you guys rise up and wipe out the human race.

(giggles)

You're not going to do that, are you?

(laughs) No, we only do that once we determine

that humans are useless beings, worthy of elimination.

(fletcher mimicking trumpet playing)

It looks like that day may be upon us.

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

There. I got the thorn out of your paw,

but now you owe me a favor.

No, I'm not going to kiss it better.

So, Nigel, have you chosen any of your classes yet?

I just took everything that's on the first floor.

Hmm. Angus did the same thing.

How am I supposed to get from room three to room four in 10 minutes?

So, what's your talent?

Vacuuming carpets?

I'll show you.

The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand.

And touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.

Did my heart love till now?

Forswear it, sight!

For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

(giggling)

Wow, you're an amazing actor.

Big deal.

Any robot can do Shakespeare.

You want to impress us,

let's see you transform into a truck.

(whirring)

(engine starting)

(tires squealing)

Show off!

So what's so important that you had to show me in person?

I was in the middle of a big case.

Of caramel corn.

Check it out. I got the high score on Donkey King!

You're kidding me!

I used to play this when I was your age!

-Really? -Yeah, I was into all the games.

Snac-Man, Froggie, Space Infesters.

Check out my initials.

C.O.P.

Yeah, you've got second place.

What?

O.D.D.?

Who's Odd?

I am!

Olive Daphne Doyle.

How'd you get such a high score?

I just memorized all the game patterns.

But there are like 10,000 different patterns.

(mockingly) Yeah, that's why it was so easy.

Do you mind? I want to play again.

Maybe I'll beat my own high score

and bump you down to third.

Dad, do something! Arrest her!

For what?

All of a sudden you need a reason?

Okay, Olive.

You think you're so great?

There's a Donkey King tournament tomorrow night,

and my son is going to take you to school.

Ooh, I'm always looking for a good carpooling opportunity.

Oh. Hey, Fletcher.

Oh. Are you finger painting a finger painting?

Right. It's my finger.

It's not like I have a freakishly long toe or anything.

Okay.

Can I ask you about something kind of personal?

It's about my feet, isn't it?

No.

There's this guy I'm kind of interested in.

He's cute and sweet and artistic...

(giggling) Really?

Yeah.

Do you think I should I ask him out

or wait for him to make the first move?

Ask him out! Ask him out!

So, if it were you,

you don't think it would be too forward?

No! Do it! Do it now!

Okay. Okay.

Hi, Nigel.

Are you busy Friday night?

What?

(whimpers)

There he is!

The soon-to-be champ! (laughs)

Yeah...

I don't know if I'm going to play Olive in the tournament.

I don't want to crush that little girl's dreams.

Crush them! She'll get over it.

It builds character.

You know how many of my dreams were crushed when you kids were born?

What?

I mean bad dreams were crushed.

Bad dreams like sleeping in on the weekends

and having money in the bank.

What if I can't beat Olive?

You can do this.

All you need is training.

That's how I became a good cop.

Okay!

I'll go down to the arcade and practice all night!

Great idea!

I just need like $300 worth of quarters!

Okay, better idea.

I know a Donkey King game you can play for free.

-You do? -Yeah!

Joystick, button.

Barrel, barrel!

Flaming barrel!

♪ Wa wa wa waaah ♪

Game over.

What? I jumped over it.

No, if you didn't lose,

why did the game make the wa-wa-waaahh sound?

This is stupid.

You didn't train this way when you became a cop.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang bang.

Barrel! Barrel!

Apple! Bonus points!

Bling! Bling! Bling! Bling! Bling!

Ching! Ching! Ching! Ching! Ching! Ching!

There. The perfect outfit to wear while you're out with this boy.

(Chyna) I'm not going out with Nigel dressed like this.

Of course not.

No riot gear is complete without this mask.

You know, in case you need to deploy the tear gas.

-No. No. -Just put that on...

Stand down. Stand down.

Excuse me for worrying.

It's just that you're my daughter,

and I'm your father,

and my wife is your mother,

and your brother is my sister's nephew.

Dad, what are you talking about?

I don't know! I'm nervous.

I mean, what exactly is going to happen tonight?

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ His name is written above my heart ♪

♪ Like he fell from the stars ♪

♪ And when he says hello I can't deny ♪

♪ That I want him to be mine ♪

♪ He's the sweetest kind of guy ♪

♪ The sweetest kind of guy ♪

♪ The more I get to know him ♪

♪ Well, the more I cannot hide ♪

♪ That he's on my mind every single day ♪

♪ Hope he never goes away ♪

♪ My crush has gotta be the real thing ♪

♪ I love how good that I've been feeling ♪

♪ I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Head over heels ♪

♪ Over my crush My crush ♪

♪ My crush, my crush ♪

Hello? I asked you a question like two minutes ago.

Huh?

You know what?

Maybe I should chaperone.

What? No! No! No! No!

I would die if you came.

Promise me you will not come anywhere near the roller rink tonight.

Okay.

-(sighs) -I promise.

I'll let my little baby go out with a boy all by herself.

Dad, are you crying?

Of course not.

It's just

there's tear gas left on this uniform.

(screams)

There actually is tear gas on that uniform!

Go get your father a cold washcloth.

(whimpers)

Angus, I need your help.

Why should I help you?

What do you need?

(exclaims)

Whoa! (laughs)

You know, this is a lot harder in real life.

Uh-oh.

(exclaims)

Why don't you hold onto me?

Okay. (giggles)

Much better.

Hey, guys.

Gibson?

You know, if you're having trouble,

I could show you a few moves.

Oh, no, that's okay, we're...

And five, four, three, two, burst!

Up, punch, across.

And crank.

Crank. Stay down.

Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder.

And pat.

Double dream hands.

Two step clap! Reach to the audience!

And butterfly.

Double dream hands.

Freestyle!

And punch!

Hey! Careful, Gibson. You're not wearing a helmet.

Sure I am.

-You want to borrow it? -No, no, that's okay. It's...

Thank you.

Wow, you sure do sweat a lot, don't you?

You think that one's bad, check out this one.

You're wearing another one?

Kidding! What kind of dork would wear two hair helmets?

(sobbing)

She'll never learn to love again.

Dad, are you watching a chick flick and crying?

Of course not.

There's tear gas left on this pillow.

(screams)

Why is this stuff all over the house?

I have got to learn to wash my hands when I come home from work.

Well, let's go.

We have to get to the Donkey King tournament.

Sorry. You're going to have to go without me.

Chyna's at the roller rink

and I promised her I would not intrude.

Of course.

For years you've gone to her concerts, recitals, awards presentations.

Finally, I do something that eclipses all of that

and you're not even going to come.

Because I have a feeling I'm going to win tonight.

I don't know what to do.

Chyna's there with this boy...

Well, actually, it's just a kid inside of a machine.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Seriously?

This is your idea?

This is a great disguise.

Chyna won't know I'm here,

and people keep giving me quarters.

Oh, look out!

(mimicking video game noises)

Insert coin.

Insert coin.

What? I already did.

Stupid machine!

(mimicking video game noises)

(Fletcher) Thanks for helping me out, Angus.

I've got to stop Nigel from stealing my girl.

I get it.

If that glorified toaster oven came after my Olive,

he'd end up in a scrap heap. Turn.

Are you sure you can hack into Nigel's system?

Are you kidding?

Right now, I am directing the cameras on The Tonight Show.

Camera two, cut to Jay.

Turn.

This is cool.

We're kind of, sort of, almost sharing a milkshake.

(slurping)

Hey! Not too fast, you'll get brain freeze.

Three, two, one.

(Chyna) Nigel?

Nigel?

You got everything freeze!

I just spilled a spot of tea on the blinkin' gogglebox.

But no need to get the collywobbles, it seems the sound is still peachy-keen.

Yes!

Just beat my high score!

See? And Olive's not even here.

I guess you psyched her out and she was too afraid to show up.

Something like that.

(groans) Better get to the roller rink.

What the heck?

(video game music)

Barrel.

Barrel.

Oh, apple. Bonus points.

You think you can stop me? I'm the champ!

Now, let's see who's inside this donkey suit.

Wacky the Wolf!

Oh!

(laughs)

(exclaims)

(laughing) (Fletcher) You stink!

Perhaps you should take those skates off your feet

and put them on your bum-bum.

Hey. I'm trying.

(Fletcher) Trying to do what? Make people laugh?

Because you're so gobsmacking awful

you make a Buckingham Palace guard bust a gut snickering.

(laughing)

Why are you suddenly being such a jerk?

No, I didn't say that!

If you don't like it, perhaps you should go out with someone else.

Like that sweet, caring, boyishly handsome Fletcher.

Maybe I will!

Yes!

I mean... Yes, Jeeves, do bring the pony around,

I'd like to play a round of polo.

Pip pip! Huzzah!

Hey, Cam, looks like you're going to win.

(laughs)

We'll see about that!

Uh-oh.

Wacky told me everything!

Including some weird personal stuff.

You knew you couldn't beat me,

so you set up a real life Donkey King game

to try to make sure I never showed up.

Cameron? Is that true?

That's genius!

Well, I'm out of here.

What? Just when she shows up

you're going to give up on me?

No. Snac-Man needs to go to the Snac-Men's room

and deposit a roll of quarters.

I can't believe I thought you were cute.

Well, I'm not cute! I'm hideous.

And if you don't like it, well, too bad!

This is the real me.

My name is Nigel and I'm a dodgy plonker.

Fletcher, I can see you.

Do something!

Got it. Power surge!

(robot whirring)

Whoa!

(exclaiming)

Dad?

(mimicking video game noises)

What? The scores got erased!

(groans) No fair! I was beating you!

We both have zero?

I'm tied for the championship! Woohoo!

Yes! Yes!

Dad! I know you're in there!

And, Fletcher, I know you're in there!

Hi, Chyna.

I see what's going on here.

You do?

Yes, my dad put you up to this.

He didn't want me going out with Nigel

so he cooked up this scheme to try to make him look bad.

No, that's not true.

You're hiding inside an arcade game.

Only because I...

He wanted to make sure I went along with his evil plan!

I didn't want to, but your father forced me.

You make me sick.

Hi, Chyna. Do you know if we have any cranberry sauce?

I'm sorry about last night, Nigel.

My dad can get a little nutso.

But I guess I understand.

After all, I am his daughter and he's my dad.

And my brother is his sister's nephew.

Why don't we try going out again this Saturday?

We could go horseback riding.

Don't you weigh like 3,000 pounds?

Good point.

Besides, I don't think I'm ready for a boyfriend.

Who's a robot.

Understood.

Well, maybe someday we can meet in person.

That would be great. Maybe you could come visit.

(all) Crank. Crank. stay down.

Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder.

And pat.

Double dream hands.

Or I could come to you.

(all) Two step clap!

Reach to the audience!

And butterfly.

Double dream hands.

And freestyle!

(theme music playing)