Original subtitles

Fletcher! Where's Fletcher?

(In falsetto) I haven't seen Fletcher.

Uh, I, I don't think he's here today.

Oh, that's too bad,

because I wanted to commission him to do a painting.

I heard you were looking for me?

I would like for you to paint my portrait.

Oh. Will you pay me?

Not even a compliment.

The whole point of the A.N.T. program

is that I can take your advanced natural talents

and exploit them for my own benefit.

It's like a sweatshop.

Only we have smoke alarms.

Well, I mean, they're not actually hooked up, but, um...

We got 'em!

-What a witch. -Who said that?

She did.

She's just jealous of gorgeous women like us.

Well, I'm off to the beauty parlor.

♪ La-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la... ♪

Uh...

♪ La-la-la-la-la -la-la-la-la ♪

Whoa, who's the hottie?

(Theme song playing)

(Whoo!)

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it You got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it We got it ♪

♪ You can dream it You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh ♪

(Whoo!)

There's the new kid. He's so cute.

What should I say?

How about, "So, you come here often?"

Of course he comes here often. It's school!

Stupid!

Oh, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to, uh, him.

What's up, stupid?

What did I do?

Chyna, we gotta talk.

(Laughing) Whoa, nice look, Cameron.

What happened? Did a unicorn throw up on you?

I wish. It's Olive.

Her locker is right next to mine, and she is driving me crazy.

She thinks she's my friend because you're my sister.

Shh! Easy with the "S" word. Not everybody needs to know.

Chyna, this is serious.

Every time I turn around, there she is, saying, "Hi, locker neighbor!"

You don't know what I've had to put up with this week.

So, you come here often?

Hi, locker neighbor!

Oh, is this the girl you were telling me

was just desperate enough to go out with you?

Hi, locker neighbor!

You left your locker open. But don't worry,

I kept your blankie safe.

Hi, locker neighbor! Just doing a little redecorating.

(Straining)

Oh, look, it's raining love and hugs!

Wow.

Even looking like this, I bet girls still don't notice you.

Oh, Cameron, that's so cute.

Is this where you keep your dollies?

I don't have dollies.

My dad threw them all away.

Listen, I need some advice.

Okay. For starters, don't tell people you had dollies.

Not that. What do you do when there's someone who's annoying

and you wanna get rid of them?

I just send them on a wild goose chase.

Really? Does that work?

All the time.

I even wrote up detailed instructions

on how to send someone on a wild goose chase.

I could lend them to you if you want.

That would be great. Where are they?

Okay. Now, head downstairs to the sub-basement.

Go to the boiler room and look behind the water heater.

There, you'll find the key to a box.

And inside that box will be a map of San Francisco.

Now, if you hold that map up to the sun, at exactly dawn,

it will reveal a trail to a mini-mart across town.

Ask for a mango slushie.

Slushie?

The clerk will guide you from there.

Great! Thanks!

(Giggles)

(Scoffs) So stupid.

Seriously, what did I do?

Oh, Cameron, what happened to you?

I went to the boiler room like you told me to,

but I didn't find the key.

Oh. Right.

The only thing I did find behind that water heater

was this tiny, antique cheese platter.

And the cheese wasn't very good.

(Bell rings)

Ahhh!

You scared me, locker neighbor.

Relax. It's just cobwebs and dust.

Ahhh!

Dust is mostly made of dead human skin.

There is nothing I'm more scared of than dust.

Well, except for ghosts, vampires, witches,

zombies, leprechauns, giraffes, double-decker buses, balloons and...

(Shudders)

curly fries.

Leprechauns?

Curly fries?

I didn't realize you were so easily frightened.

Were you even listening?

I'm only scared of the really scary stuff.

For example, I'm not scared of spiders.

Like that one on the back of your neck. No biggie.

(Exclaims)

That's not a spider. That's a birthmark.

Ahhh! Birthmark!

Okay, I'll leave a note for new kid.

"I think you're cute.

Do you think I'm cute?

Check 'yes' or 'no.'

Chyna, locker 112."

And third locker from the left.

Oh, no! Wrong locker.

Ooh! A note.

(Giggles awkwardly)

No?

You know, you're no prize, either!

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Hello, Fletcher.

It's me, Principal Skidmore.

Yeah, I know.

You probably didn't recognize me because I had my hair done

at a new, hip salon,

and look much younger.

No, I recognize you.

Why don't you take a seat and we'll get started on your portraits.

It's really an honor for you to choose me to paint your... Ahhh!

So, how do I look?

Stunning.

I am genuinely stunned.

So, shall I strike a pose?

Uh...

You know, I've looked at some of the other

former principals' portraits in the hallway,

and, well, they're a little bit more, um...

Academic.

Oh, this is academic.

I'm wearing a schoolgirl's outfit.

Oh, and the portrait is not for the hallway.

It's a birthday present for my "gentleman friend,"

dashing city councilman Ted Taggart.

"Dashing," as in running away?

So, I've decided to tell new kid how I feel about him

by writing him a song.

♪ Hey, new kid, I think you're cute ♪

♪ But when I'm around you, I go mute ♪

♪ So I'll have to tell you with my flute ♪

(Playing flute)

You know, I'd try something a little bit less, um, spitty.

What the heck?

-Something wrong, Olive? -Look!

Uh-oh. Is that g-g-ghost ectoplasm all over your locker?

Wasn't "ghost" on the list of things you were afraid of?

It was on the list, right?

Yeah, but...

-This looks like jelly. -It's not jelly.

-(Sniffing) Smells like jelly. -It's not jelly.

-Tastes like jelly. -It's not jelly!

(Gasps)

"Go away?"

And it's written in blood!

-Looks like ketchup. -It's not ketchup!

Haven't you heard the legend of the haunted locker?

Haunted locker?

They say this locker was built on an ancient burial ground.

Only my locker?

It's a very small ancient burial ground.

Throughout all the years,

whoever had this locker was cursed!

I haven't been this scared since St. Patrick's Day.

Leprechauns everywhere!

Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh!

-Did you feel that? -I did!

It was the cold chill of a ghost breathing on our necks.

Ghost germs!

Where are you going?

Come back, locker neighbor!

Don't leave me alone with the g-g-g-ghost!

Self-five.

Hi, Chyna.

Can I keep my lunch in your locker?

Why?

Well, you've got that air-conditioning vent right there,

and it might help keep it from spoiling.

You know, botulism is the silent killer.

Well, botulism and carbon monoxide.

And heart disease.

And obviously ninjas.

Uh, this looks like more than your lunch.

Did you bring everything from your locker?

No. I didn't bring the ghost.

Turns out my locker is haunted.

Olive, were you outside again when those school buses were idling?

No.

Cameron told me about the legend of the haunted locker.

Olive? I think Cameron made that up to get rid of you.

What? That makes no sense.

I mean, why would Cameron try to get rid of me?

I'm delightful.

The only logical explanation

is that there is a very tiny burial ground under my locker

and the disturbed spirits of the undead are wreaking their unholy vengeance.

Ahhh!

What's wrong? Did you see a ghost?

Worse. Disorganization.

Ew.

I'm done.

Let me see the masterpiece.

(Gasps) Who's that?

That's you.

Uh, where is my beautiful, milky white skin?

Where is that youthful glow?

Have you checked 1972?

This looks nothing like me.

-It doesn't? -Mmm-mmm.

How about this one?

(Scoffs) No! Who is this?

Why do you keep painting this old lady?

Olive, what did you do to my locker?

I rearranged everything into a perfect, alphabetical filing system,

and made everything so much easier to find.

Well, I couldn't find my Fruit Roll-Up.

Where'd you look?

Under "F."

That was your mistake.

I filed it under "R" for Roll-Up, comma, Fruit.

I assumed you'd want all your different kinds of roll-ups

in the same place.

They only make Fruit Roll-Ups.

For now.

But in the future, when scientists invent Meat Roll-Ups,

you'll be able to find them right there under "R."

Okay.

I'll go look under "R."

Uh, don't bother, I ate it. (Chuckles)

Chyna,

I'm desperate.

I can't paint Skidmore again.

Slam this locker door on my hand.

Okay.

What are you doing?

You're supposed to tell me that breaking my fingers isn't the answer.

No, I honestly think that this is your best option.

Stop that!

How can I possibly make Skidmore look beautiful?

Well, everyone has inner beauty.

So, just don't paint what's on the outside.

Paint what's on the inside.

Oh. You know, you could have told me that

before you tried to cripple me!

I'm sorry, I'm just in a really bad mood.

I mean, Olive is driving me crazy.

You have no idea what I've been through this week.

(Mouthing)

That's the guy you're madly in love with?

He's way out of your league.

He's even out of my league.

(Faint mechanical whirring)

Don't you knock? Sheesh!

Hey, why don't you spend the night in the locker?

By morning, she'll see it isn't haunted.

You know what?

That is what they do in those haunted house movies.

Although, everyone usually ends up with an axe in their head.

But, then again,

that can't be any more painful than sharing a locker with Olive.

So, uh... Good plan!

Oh, one problem.

Olive would never agree to come to the school at night

if she knew what you were planning.

Don't worry, I have an idea.

Am I getting close to the donkey?

You're almost there.

Wow, your house is huge!

I feel like I've been walking for, like, 12 blocks.

Ahhh!

Surprise!

No! No! No! No! No!

There is no way I'm spending the night in a haunted locker.

Oh, come on. There's a pinata in here,

full of all your favorite candy.

Fine, hand me the stick.

Okay, there's no pinata.

But you need to face your fears, so come on.

(Exclaiming)

Ugh.

There, see?

It's nothing to be afraid of!

And by morning, you'll see that there are no ghosts.

Well, what are we going to do until then?

Uh...

We could play some games!

Ooh! How about tag?

You're it.

-You're it. -No, you're it.

-You're it! You're it! -You're it!

Okay, this is so stupid.

Totally. But I won.

Okay, let's play another game.

Hide and seek. I'll hide.

One, two, three,

four, five, six...

(Male voice) (Echoing) Ooh!

What was that?

I don't know.

You don't think it was a...

Ooh!

Um, maybe it's just the wind.

It's not the wind.

He says it's not the wind!

(Both) (Screaming) Ghost!

Take Olive! It's her locker!

I want you out of me locker, lassies.

That's where I keep me pot of gold.

It's worse than I thought! The ghost is a leprechaun!

We're so sorry! Please don't hurt us!

It's a wee too late for sorry.

How dare you defecate me grave?

Wait.

Does he mean "desecrate"? Because "defecate" means poop.

I definitely didn't do that to his grave.

But I did pee a little when I found out he's a leprechaun.

Leave here and never return,

or I will torment you with a merry Irish jig.

(Singing)

Wait a minute.

I think this ghost sounds a little familiar.

He's not even tall enough to be a leprechaun.

Ow! Ow! I mean, Owoooh!

Ahhh! Ghost! Ghost!

Olive, it's Cameron.

Oh, I'm not Cameron, I'm a leprechaun ghost.

(Singing)

Cameron, the jig is up.

(Continues singing)

I'm serious. Stop doing the jig.

This isn't even a pot of gold.

It's a pot of curly fries.

Ahhh! Curly fries!

Why are they curly? It's unnatural!

You guys were so scared,

I'm surprised you didn't desecrate in your pants.

You know, you're taking those SATs in, like, two weeks, right?

Oh, by the way,

how'd you even know we'd be here?

I overheard you talking to Fletcher when I was in the bathroom.

We were outside the girls' bathroom.

It smells better.

At least, it did before I used it.

Well, it's still not nice to scare people for no reason.

Oh, I had a reason.

You're the most annoying locker neighbor ever.

Annoying? Well, I've been sharing a locker with Chyna,

and she loves having me, right, Chyna?

Uh... (Chuckles) Totally.

I mean, it's too bad you're moving back into your old locker.

(Chuckling) You are moving back, right?

Wait, you think I'm annoying too?

Um...

You're missing the big picture. The school's not haunted!

Help! Help! Don't look! It's too horrible!

(Growling)

The walking dead!

It's a schoolgirl who died hundreds of years ago!

Look at how her body's decayed!

Fletcher!

You need to answer for this!

Don't blame me!

Chyna told me to paint what's on the inside.

I didn't mean her skeleton!

But the good news is

you do look skinny. (Chuckles)

Huh?

Oh, I do, don't I? (Laughing)

(Sighs) There she is. New girl.

She's so cute.

I wonder if she's interested in me.

I mean, she's been staring at me for like an hour.

Time to make my move.

Now what do you say to a babe like that?

How about, "Hey toots,

what say you let me take you to San Francisco's newest hot spot?

'Cause there's an unsecured wireless network at the bus station."

Ugh, that's lame!

Stupid!

Seriously, what did I do?