Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Goddammit, see that's the thing,

I also don't understand

when people say things like Goddammit or Jesus Christ

for a curse.

No matter what religious affiliation you come from,

we can all agree that Jesus Christ

was like a really good dude, right?

So like, why did we say it as a curse?

Why don't we replace it with like,

I don't know terrible people.

You stub your toe, you're like, "Oh, Adolf Hitler."

Or like you pour hot coffee in your lap, you're like,

"Oh, oh, hot coffee, Christopher Columbus."

Christopher Columbus?

Oh yeah, apparently a really bad dude.

We were completely misinformed in elementary school.

Oh, stupid guy can't catch the ball.

These pro athletes get paid millions

of dollars a year to catch balls.

You'd think their video game avatars could do the same.

If I was a pro, I would catch every pass.

Oh yeah, just like you'd make every single sale?

So why aren't you out there making your millions then?

Oh dude, you have no idea.

I have a mint idea in the works.

You put your kids in a car seat and they are contained.

The nice, steady rocking

of your vehicle knocks them right out.

Kids always fall asleep in the car.

And that is why I came up with the bed seats.

All you have to do is strap your little spawn

in with these restraints

and they will never be able to climb out of bed,

and they will finally fall asleep when you want them to.

And as an added bonus, patent pending car simulation.

[generator engine roaring]

Obviously just a prototype, oh [chuckles].

A couple more tweaks, those things will sell like dog meat

at a Chinese wet market.

I'm having an affair.

You're what?

I'm seeing another girl.

Just like in like a movie, real world adult shit man.

I'm cheating on my wife.

A little bam bam in the ham.

Bone storming the castle.

Going to pound town with another bunny.

Pickle tickle by another chicken.

Okay, okay wait, going to pound town?

This is the time to try out that phase?

You're serious?

Yeah, what do you think?

I think you're a complete son of a.

[upbeat music]

[door creaks open]

[Iris screams]

Oh no, it's just daddy.

Ah, Saddam Hussein.

- Hey babe. - Hey.

How was the game?

The game, the game was fantastic.

I crushed it.

You would have been so impressed.

Matt however is the most disappointing human being

I've ever met in my entire life.

Why?

You promise not to tell anyone?

Sure.

You promise not to tell anyone?

- Sure. - Not even Jen.

Matt is putting his banana into a different fruit salad.

What, he's cheating on Maddie?

- Yep. - Get out, does she know?

- Nope. - What about the kids?

I don't think they know either.

Okay no, I mean like what is gonna happen to them?

Those poor kids!

This is all so crazy.

I can't even process this.

Yeah, I totally understand.

This is like beyond insane.

My best friend got a passport, packed his bags,

purchased a ticket and flew straight to pound town.

I'm sorry babe, it's rough.

Can you turn on a show or something?

I gotta get my mind off of this.

[car engine roaring]

[mid tempo music]

Hey Chad, I'd like to buy this.

Go ahead and scan it.

Excuse me?

Grab a scanner and scan.

Isn't that your job?

[scanner beeps]

$2.32.

Can I get a bag please?

Sure.

Wow, excellent customer service dude.

Thanks for shopping at Big Jim's corner store!

[doorbell dings]

I've got some potentially upsetting news.

Oh no, now what?

Monthly promotion changed.

Ugh, you gotta be kidding me.

I know, again.

They gotta stop doing this four days

before the month starts.

I'll send you the email, make the changes.

Thanks Rene.

[upbeat music]

Mary, did you get the info on the change for next month?

- No. - If I send you some numbers,

can you replace them for me?

- Sure. - All right, thanks.

Chandelle are those new website photos ready?

- No, Ricky had those. - Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Carol, have you seen Ricky?

Okay, thank you.

Hey, have you seen Ricky?

Not since this morning.

Hey man, have you seen Ricky?

Ricky?

Oh sorry Doug, just looking for Ricky.

Ricky, oh hey you look good man.

No chance, bro.

No one can find him.

Ricky, do you have the updated photos for the website?

Which ones?

The updated product shots for next month's promotion.

- It changed? - Yeah.

To what?

Now if you buy a garden solar panel kit,

you also get a garden toolkit.

That's lame.

It's actually a really nice kit.

Still lame.

It comes with the nice leather carrying bag and an apron.

Chandelle should be on that.

Chandelle, are you kidding me?

Are you sure?

Oh, come on!

Dude, focus please Ricky.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chandelle should be on that project.

[upbeat music] She's better.

- Chandelle? - Yep.

Ricky told me that you were working

in the new garden tool kit photos for the website?

- Yep. - Okay, but you told me

that Ricky, never mind.

Can you email them to me please?

- Yep. - Thank you.

Turns out we're going to the original plan

for promotion this month.

- Great. - No need to change.

- Hey Tim. - What's up?

You know, those are for everyone.

I know, I'm just putting a stash of them at my desk.

But what if we run out of them in here?

Look, the fruit snacks always go first.

That's why I take a huge stash

and I just put them in my drawer.

I mean, are we supposed to go to your desk to grab them?

Either I can come up

and grab one every day like a homeless person

or I can just come grab them all at once every month.

It's actually more time efficient bro.

That's for you.

I think we'd prefer for you

to come in here though once a day.

On the rare occasions where inefficiency is best,

he left a mess.

[car door slams shut]

Oh no, no, just start please.

Just start, it's your only job.

Just start! [car engine roaring]

[car door slams shut] [scooter engine squeaking]

[gentle music]

- [Connor laughing] - [Teddy] No Connor,

why would you show me that?

- That's disgusting. - It's fricking awesome.

Here, look at this one.

[Teddy] No, no I'm good.

And you're terrible.

You're a terrible, horrible person.

Wait, what's going on down there.

Connor's showing me pictures of his poop.

What, it's human art form.

I mean, look at this log.

I did this this morning.

It came straight down,

landed perfectly vertical in the toilet bowl.

I'm surprised it didn't fall over.

I mean, look at this?

- No. - Okay, okay, let me see it.

[Connor] Look at that.

That is awesome.

Okay all right, let me see.

Oh, oh my gosh no.

Okay, take this.

You know what, full disclosure

and I'm no expert on this Connor,

but I'm fairly certain COVID-19 originated with you.

It's just poop, everybody poops.

It's a book, a New York Times bestseller.

I mean, why do we have to be so weird about poop?

Hell, you know who poops?

The Pope.

The Pope poops. Also true.

Adam, Adam, save us please.

All right, all right, all right guys listen up.

Poll question, so I'm at the office, right?

And I'm in the community break room

and this stupid little hipster kid walks in

and steals all the fruit snacks

and stashes them at his desk.

He does that so that he doesn't have to keep getting up

to get more.

Now I say one fruit snack for one trip.

What say you?

Wait, who was it?

Tim, the Copywriter.

Oh yeah, that guy's a total douche.

- Douche. - No, it's fine by me.

I mean, whatever makes your life easier.

Connor, your whole life is the easier.

What about the rest of the employees?

Survival by the fittest?

- Survival of the fittest? - Yes, survival

- of the fittest. - Connor,

they're for everyone.

It's not the fricking hunger games.

[dramatic music]

Ugh yeah, I can't even rationalize that line of thinking.

It bothers me so much

that there's all these dumb millennial kids just doing

whatever they want.

Whoa Adam, you know you're millennial, right?

- Yeah. - What?

No, I'm not.

- Yeah, you are. - You guys?

What year were you born?

- '86. - Yup.

- Ooh, millennial. - Millennial.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's see that. From 1982 to 2004.

- Yep, that's you. - What, no!

- Totally. - You guys,

I always thought millennial were like way younger than me.

I'm not terribly old, but I always put myself

in the Gen X tribe.

No way, Gen X is the lame.

But that's how I lived my whole life.

I always worked really hard

and always tried to do the right thing.

I hate millennial mentality.

Could you try the organic lotion on my feet?

I just love the way it makes my toes feel.

Do you hear that?

Yeah, he's always millennial.

Hey, make sure you get your cuticles this time.

We saw your feet last week,

- oh my gosh. - Okay, stop.

[store bell rings] [mid tempo music]

Hey, I wanna buy this drink and you're gonna sell it to me.

So get off your damn phone

and scan it and then put it in a bag.

Now ask me if I want the receipt in the bag, ask me.

Would you like your receipt in your bag?

No, no I wouldn't.

[store bell ringing]

Actually, I don't know what kind of credit card information

is left on there.

Oh, just the last four digits,

but still I don't wanna give you

or anyone else the satisfaction knowing the last four digits

of my credit card dipshit.

Thanks for shopping at Big Jim's corner store.

[crickets chirping]

- Hey babe - Hey.

What's wrong?

I'm a fricking millennial that's what.

- What? - A millennial.

A selfish, lazy penis ball cancer on society.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Okay, you don't care.

Go ahead and make fun of me.

No, no, no, no,

I'm not making fun of you.

And newsflash, you're one of them too.

So what's the big deal with being a millennial?

I hate them.

I don't even want to identify with them.

The millennial mentality is the complete opposite

of all of my core beliefs.

I know, one might say that they are the inferior race.

- Exactly. - I know [laughs].

Okay, you're definitely making fun of me.

Okay yeah, that time I was, but I wasn't the first time.

I can't even get the support of my own wife.

Okay, I don't get it, just because you are a millennial,

it doesn't mean you have to be one of them.

Well, that's just it.

I realized I hate millennials so much

because I'm jealous of them.

Everything they do is the exact opposite

of how I live my life.

I'm uptight, stressed out, a little dramatic.

A little?

The point is I do everything by the book

and I look at these piss hand kids and I'm envious

of how nonchalant they are,

how they can do whatever the hell they want

without any consequences.

Okay, well I'm sure there are some consequences.

I can't stop thinking about this.

Thinking about what?

About embracing millennialism.

Okay, well I think you should just go to bed

and you'll stop thinking about it.

I'm pretty sure this is just like another one

of your things.

I'm gonna start living among my people.

I'm going to become a millennial.

Meaning what exactly?

I'm gonna start being more selfish.

If I want a piece of cake for breakfast,

I'm gonna eat a flipping piece of cake for breakfast.

No more being Mr. Responsible.

So you're just going to start doing whatever you want?

- Whatever. - Absolutely whatever?

Completely whatever, 100% whatever I want.

So is this like the one time you went vegan?

Do you guys have anything vegan that comes on a bone?

[chuckles] All right, does this little game

include other women?

[chuckles] Oh no, this is no game.

All right, I know,

but you're just like way too sweet.

You can't even come up with your top five celebrity list.

Okay well, that is way too much pressure.

Only five women?

My goodness, too many parameters go

into that decision for me.

I mean, who is on your top five?

Will Smith, Channing Tatum, Zac Efron,

Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Gal Gadot.

Okay well, that was a little bit delivered too quickly

for my liking.

I know, but if you come to bed, I will show you

who my main man is.

I can't, I feel like my heart's beating out of my chest.

Is the millennial you just like that excited?

Nope, I had my first energy drink.

I think it's working a little bit too good.

A little too well.

[birds chirping]

- Hey man. - Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing.

Are you going to work?

Yeah, I just wanted to talk about something

- with you real quick. - Okay.

I just figured you'd be someone who would understand

what I'm going through.

- Eggs? - No, I'm good.

So with your inside information,

what is the next big social movement going to be?

My inside information?

Yeah, so I was late to the whole acceptance

of the gay phase.

Not a phase.

What I mean is I was the borderline bigot

to the gay community even though now I've come

to accept their decision.

Not a decision.

Okay, I need you to stop taking offense

to everything I'm saying.

Stop being offensive.

Okay, just listen all right?

This isn't about your stuff.

This is about my stuff so just shut up and deal with it.

I'm not trying to offend you.

Well, you are so.

Oh well, I'm sorry.

It's so hard

for me considering I think all gays are going to hell.

Nice, and more simply

because you think penises are gross.

Well, I'm even repulsed by my own.

Love is love, man.

Okay, and that's exactly why I'm here.

Look, I don't care about the gays.

Screw them, I missed that social fight.

Ah, straight White male life, so simple.

Okay, I can fight for my straight White male rights

if I had to.

Could you though?

Thank you all for coming.

- Yeah, USA, USA - [Crowd] USA, USA.

Go away, go away.

This was a mistake.

Guys put the signs down, put the sign down.

Okay, shut up.

Look, what is the next big social movement going to be?

What do you mean you don't know?

Teddy, come on.

I need to be on the front lines of accepting it.

Adam, it's not like the gays

or the minorities get together

and have secret meetings about how to overtake society.

Bestiality it's bestiality isn't it?

I'll do love is love.

Oh come on, man.

I'm on your team.

I don't want you on my team,

but also I don't know what the next big social movement is.

I think everyone should love who they wanna love

and be comfortable and accepted

for who they are, that's it.

That is so generic.

I got a question geez.

Sorry to interrupt your love.

If God doesn't accept homosexuality, right?

Sorry Teddy, and he does not accept bestiality, right?

Is it more worse or more punishable

if like a human dude got it on with an animal dude?

Or is it like two different things,

or is it because there's two negatives it makes a positive?

Does it even matter?

Connor, you are completely naked

in front of your gay roommate.

Relax, I mean it's not

like Teddys' gonna rape me or anything.

Still Jezebel, you're just throwing temptation out there.

Oh, hold on.

That is closer to bestiality.

- Wow, hey! - Oh, come back here Rona.

Oh come on, don't be so sad.

We're just playing.

I love you Connor.

Anyway, what is this, what's happening?

Oh, well I have decided to come out

of my proverbial closet if you will

and embrace my millennialistic ways.

What does that even mean?

I'm glad you asked.

Ah, I wondered what that was for.

Okay, let's see here.

Millennial, a person reaching young adulthood

in the early 21st century who grew up on computer technology

and is often referred to as the me, me, me generation.

Okay?

So I am going to become a millennial.

Okay, just so I have this straight.

You coming out as a millennial

is the same as me coming out as gay.

See, I knew you'd get it.

- You're so brave. - Thank you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Millennial wouldn't even be in this dictionary.

Oh okay, I think you might be more millennial

than you give yourself credit for.

What?

I wanted it to have a more dramatic effect.

No, this is nice.

I like this.

Good job, I approve.

Thank you.

How long did that take you?

Way too long.

[mid tempo music]

- Hello there, Father. - Hello brother.

What can I help you with?

Oh father, I am here to prepent.

You're here to what?

- Prepent - Prepent?

Prepent, I would like to confess

of sins I'm going to commit.

It's not exactly how it works.

Well, I figured I can come in here and take care of all

of the guilt and the feeling bad

and the confession stuff now so I can go out

and enjoy the sin with a clear conscience.

We are here to avoid sin.

- Right. - And to try our best

- to be like Jesus. - Right, I get that.

But you're wanting to go sin?

- Correct. - And confess those sins

before we actually commit those sins.

Correct, you get it.

This isn't in God's teachings.

- Agreed. - So why would you want

to go sin?

Well, I figured we're all imperfect, right?

- Right. - And we all sin, correct?

- Correct. - So why not confess

of the sin now so we can enjoy them later?

Because then those things would be even worse.

Why?

Because they'd be premeditated sins.

Well, that's why I wanna confess of them now.

Prepentance isn't a thing.

I beg to differ.

I'm literally doing it right now.

Sort of a confession before the crime.

What's the difference?

What kinds of sins are we talking about here?

Oh, I don't know exactly.

Then how are we supposed to prepent

if you don't know what your sins are?

So prepentance is a thing?

I'm just trying to understand.

What propellant is.

No, I fully get the concept.

I want to understand what sins you're wanting to do.

Well, here's the thing.

I have been a pretty straight shooter.

I'm talking grade A heavy material.

That's a good thing.

But I'm going through this like life crisis.

And I just wanna let loose, Carpe diem,

sow my wild oats, rub my nose into some fruit salad

if you will.

But you don't know

what commandments you would want to break?

No, no, no, not really.

I mean, I'm open to some suggestions.

I just know I wanna become a millennial

and basically be more selfish

and do whatever the hell I want, oh excuse me father.

My worry is that you will stumble into sin

and then not be able to get yourself back out of it.

Right, right, that's definitely a possibility.

What about your family?

Oh, they're on board.

I guess that settles it.

So I have your blessing then?

- No. - You vocally said no there

but I feel like your heart said yes.

- No - I love you Father.

What's going on here?

They're seeing who can hold their pee the most.

Okay you guys, I came here to reveal my big plan

and how I'm gonna start living my life as a millennial.

My third life crisis if you will.

That makes it sound like it's your third life crisis.

I think you've had one, two, three life crisises.

Good point, not like it's a third point

in your life crisis?

Mid-life crisis works.

If we used half-life crisis, it would just cause confusion.

Okay, but like a third of my life, what would I call that?

I think that's why a third life crisis

isn't a thing bud.

Why are you doing so much better than he is?

Oh, I didn't even come close to drinking my gallon of water.

You beautiful bastard, you son of a, move, move.

First order of business, get some new friends.

Whatever.

I don't mean I'm gonna replace you.

I just need additional friends.

I just need a splash of class in my life.

Where do I find sophisticated people like the ones

that go to museums or talk politics or whatnot?

How about at a museum?

Okay, but I don't want to actually go to a museum.

Okay, so what is that?

I didn't make it.

Connor, go take a shower.

Why do I even have to tell you?

That should be your next step.

- Sorry, jeez. - Awesome.

It's not like I drank a gallon of water.

All right you guys, come on.

It's time for me to reveal my plan "Home Alone" style.

I don't understand that reference.

You know, when little Kevin makes the blueprints

for when the robbers are coming?

That's a pretty obscure reference..

Dude come on, just go with it.

You're ruining my big reveal here.

I mean, if you were just gone aah!

Then I'd be right there with you.

That has nothing to do with this.

Well then, use a reference that works.

I'm sorry, it's just the best Christmas movie

of all time I would have expected you

- to get it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa,

"Home Alone" is not even the best "Home Alone" movie

of all time, let alone the best Christmas movie.

Are you suggesting that when little Kevin is lost

in New York City that that's a superior film?

- Yeah. - Cheap for a sequel rip off

as if Mr. And Mrs. McCallister would lose their son again.

Not to mention the title has nothing to do with the plot.

He's not even home alone again.

Whatever, it's still not the best Christmas movie

of all time.

Oh yeah, what is?

"Love Actually".

[scoffs]Yeah, I mean maybe.

[scoffs] I'm sure all your gay friends say that.

Lift yourself higher Adam.

Okay, so basically I made a detailed list

of all the things that I could find that millennials do.

A simple Excel spreadsheet would have sufficed.

Yeah, but not nearly as cool or dramatic.

I expected you to be the one to understand this.

Oh my God, another gay stereotype.

That is so sweet.

Dude, you should dust off some

of your famous high school journalism with this.

Are you concerned with a modern day cast being

in a Shakespeare period piece?.

Nope.

Drama in the drama club.

Rumor has it that chip prices will increase next week.

Can you confirm?

I don't know.

Inflation attacks high school ta ta tan!

Whatever the high school equivalent of a Pulitzer prize is,

I would have it.

Whatever Adam, this is just another one of your charades.

You'll be done with this soon enough.

Not this time my gay friend.

Props to you.

The next time you both see me,

I will be a full blown millennial.

Bye! [door slams shut]

Anyways, I think if the entire world converted to bamboo

instead of use plastic,

you could end all the atrocities of war.

[upbeat music] ♪ I can make you a star ♪

Oh, look at this grandpa.

♪ Here sing this you'll go far ♪

Yeah, nice head dick wad.

♪ All your hopes and your dreams and your wild fantasies ♪

♪ I promise I'ma make 'em true ♪

♪ Got the brand ♪

♪ Got the fans ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

♪ Man everyone is gonna know you ♪

♪ Sing this you'll be a star ♪

♪ Tell me what's this song about ♪

[Iris and Truman giggling] ♪ 'Bout nothing at all ♪

One, two, three.

- Roar! - Roar!

What is this?

[Adam roaring] [children giggling]

You got the claws.

- Oh no! - [Iris] Truman!

The master's waking up!

Set and fire!

- Are you sick? - [Adam] Nope.

Aren't you gonna be late for work?

[Adam] What work?

Hardy, ha ha.

[Adam] No seriously, I quit.

You're joking?

No seriously, I quit.

Hey kids, why don't you go downstairs and watch a show?

- No, we wanna play. - No, we wanna play.

Oh, if you go downstairs and watch your show,

I'll make you pancakes.

- Pancakes! - Pancakes!

You quit?

I'm pretty sure.

Well, did you or didn't you?

[car door slams shut]

It's not funny.

Well, it's not, not funny.

Why did you do that?

Well, it was a diss kind of cake

and they said they would put whatever I wanted on the cake.

Okay no, why did you quit?

Well, I was doing a job that I hated for so long.

It was time for me to be happy.

I don't think that was really fair

that you didn't even talk to me about it first.

Well trust me, this is just one little step

of my millennial journey.

Okay well, I hope that works out.

Hey, I got you.

Yeah well, curiosity killed the cat you know?

So I have nine lives to do my thing.

That is not what that means.

It means that the cat was so curious,

it ended up killing itself.

Why not curiosity killed the dog.

I mean, I guess cats are more curious than dogs.

I don't know, I find dogs quite curious.

Okay, that's not what it means.

And I didn't come up with the saying so you can stop

- being an ass hat. - Stupid saying really.

What are we gonna do

for money now that you don't have a job?

Oh okay, I see how it is.

You're just using me for my paycheck?

Yeah, 'cause this girl has got to eat.

Okay, we're gonna be fine.

I have enough PTO cash that will last a while, all right?

[mid tempo music]

- Hey there! - Hello, are you Sydney?

That's me.

I'm Adam, I'm here to interview

for the barrister position.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- Corporate guy aren't you? - Was.

Why'd you quit?

No more Mr. Ratchett.

Keep playing [snickers].

I'm just looking for something new and exciting.

- Huh? - Huh, what?

Don't know if you'd be a fit here.

Why is that?

Am I not young or cool or hip enough for you?

I mean, I think it's unfair to judge me so quickly.

Just don't know if you can hack this job.

I've worked a much more difficult job

for the past 10 years.

I think I can handle pouring coffee.

This job is crazy and fast paced

and it doesn't pay that well so.

I'm game, I want this job.

Excuse me, eyes up here please.

Okay, okay, we'll give you a shot.

Great, when do I start?

Right now.

- No, stop, no! - What, do I push this button?

No, I told you it was the other one.

I'm sorry, it's my first time.

No, stop spraying everywhere.

- Whoa! - Adam, I was talking

about the espresso.

Oh, sure you were.

Jeff, here you go.

Have a good day Jeff.

Did you just see my customer service?

I did and it was impressive.

You hired the right guy.

I guess I did.

Who's this?

Oh Todd, this is Adam.

He just started today.

- Hey man. - You needed another person?

- Yeah. - I see.

- He's a bit dramatic. - I'll say.

[bright music]

[door slams shut] [Adam humming]

What is this?

The kids are at my mom's

and we are gonna have a millennial day out.

Oh?

I'm trying to do this with you.

I don't deserve you.

Oh wait, are you kidding me?

- This place? - Oh come on,

this is like the most millennial place in town.

It's hip, modern and everything is vegan.

Yeah, I don't wanna do this.

Oh come on, millennial up Adam, let's go.

Oh, Lord help me.

- Oh my God. - Come on.

[car door slams shut]

[mid tempo music]

Hello?

Oh, what do you want?

Can I get a raspberry iced tea?

I'll just have a decaf coffee.

Oh, 'cause you don't already have everything, mmh?

$8.36.

Oh, and can I get my receipt?

Wow, service here is really great, huh?

Hmm mmh.

It's a pretty cool place though, yeah?

Yeah.

- Are you okay? - Hmm, what, yeah.

Oops.

Do you have a problem with us?

Excuse me, I'd like to speak to your manager!

What are you doing?

I don't think he should treat us like that.

It's fine, it's fine.

Is everything alright over here?

Oh okay, is he bothering you

'cause I can kick him out?

[Adam laughs]

No, actually your employee over there

has been extremely rude to us.

Oh gosh, sometimes it feels like I'm running a daycare.

I apologize for Todd there, he's.

Anyways, I'm Sydney.

Oh, Jennifer and this is Adam.

But of course.

Are you gonna shake her hand?

Oh no, no, I think that would actually be rude

to shake her hand, or your hand or like anyone else's hand

'cause I'm actually still practicing social distancing so.

I love this guy.

Anyway, you two enjoy.

Oh, I forgot something.

Why are you being so weird?

It's this place, it's not my vibe.

You forgot this.

Oh, look at that, a souvenir [chuckles].

Well, thank you so much for the coffee

and the tea and the souvenir and the hand shakes

and it's just great, great.

We should probably be going you know?

No, we just got here.

Come on, let's just.

Thank you, thank you.

All right, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Don't be so pretentious as if I'm coming back.

[dramatic music]

- Hello. - Hi.

Hello, how are you doing?

Good.

So what happens next?

Right, ask if you can help the customer with anything.

Well, I was looking at this car.

Can you tell me anything about it?

This is a blue car.

Oh, interesting, interesting.

So it runs well?

It's a good model of car?

Hmm hmm.

All right, I'm gonna be straight with you, Paul.

I don't know enough about cars

or know what to even ask about them.

So I'm just gonna say if it runs well

and it looks pretty, that's good enough for me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So I think I'll take it.

Okay, you have a good day, sir.

Paul, Paul, get back here, buddy.

I'm gonna need you to listen to my words.

I want to buy this car.

That's great, my first sale.

Oh well, that's surprising.

I'm glad this could be our first.

It's more special that way.

All right, I'm gonna make this a real quick and easy for you.

I just have one simple request.

You know those big bows that you put on cars?

Is there any way I can get one of those?

Just right on the top there.

Maybe the front.

We don't have those here.

I think they only do those on TV commercials

or on luxury cars, not on cars less than 10,000.

Right, right, well Paul,

I don't know what to tell you, man.

I mean the car is great and all,

but I really just want one of those bows.

There's gotta be something that you can do for me.

Come on Paul.

Look out folks, just a sexy guy driving on through.

♪ I never dug so deep until I found truth ♪

♪ But it's alright ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ I'm gonna make this my day ♪

[Iris] I like your sunglasses daddy.

Oh, thank you darling.

Mom, can I wear my sunglasses?

No sweetheart.

But daddy is.

That's because daddy's having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, ha ha.

[Iris] What's a nervous breakdown?

Don't worry about it, just eat.

Truman, how in the world

do you make such a big mess every time?

- Come here. - Hey!

- What? - That was mine!

- Oh, I don't think so. - It was on my plate.

- What was? - My roll.

- What roll? - Hey, why did you do that?

- I do what I want. - Don't worry Iris,

I will get you another roll.

But dad took mine.

Because dad wanted that one.

Don't worry, dad is gonna get in trouble for that one.

- What? - Dad, don't have

to be such a donkey dick.

Whoa, who taught you that word?

From you two.

Okay, you can't say that word anymore.

- [Iris] Why not? - Because it's a really mean

and bad word.

Well then, don't take my roll.

Fair enough, let's shake on it.

Dad, do you wanna play with me?

Not tonight, buddy.

Tonight, I'm playing video games.

Can I play?

Nope, it's a grown up game.

I can play a grown up game.

No, no, no, this is just for me guys, maybe another time.

- [Kids] We want to play. - Uh uh.

- [Kids] We want to play. - You guys.

- [Kids] We want to play. - This is my night.

- We want to play. - We want to play.

- We want. - We want.

[Todd] Hi, what can I get ya?

Hi, can I just get one double espresso.

Sure thing.

- Adam, one double espresso. - Yeah.

[mid tempo music]

♪ And when the branch breaks I'll be the ground ♪

♪ I'll be the spring in your step ♪

♪ When you're on the ground ♪

[Sydney] Adam? ♪ And when ♪

Hello, Adam [whistles].

Hello, are you there?

- Hi! - Sydney, hey,

what can I do for you?

How did the morning go?

Oh, it was good.

A little crazy, but it was good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

He messed up a lot.

It's okay, he'll get it.

I think we'll keep him.

Oh boom, no soldier left behind.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just didn't like that joke just now.

Oh, sorry.

No, it's not your fault.

My dad was a soldier

and he died overseas a few months ago so.

Oh my gosh,

I'm really sorry.

I should not have said that.

[laughs] I got you so good.

Wait, that was a joke?

You're too easy, man.

Dude, dead dad joke, not cool.

But really, how did the morning rush go?

Well you know, I did learn something pretty big today.

- Yeah? - Yeah, you would be alarmed

and I'm talking alarmed

about how many guys use the restroom

and don't wash their hands.

No, no, no, no,

you would be surprised

at how many girls don't wash their hands.

- Really? - Really.

I mean, guys are generally so gross.

I expect more from the girls.

No.

You know, the no washers are definitely disgusting,

but I think I found something worse today.

- What? - The over washer.

So I went to the restroom, right?

And there was a fellow employee who will remain unnamed

and he was doing his pee pee time.

And then he goes to wash his hands.

I go do my pee pee time and then I go wash my hands.

He's still there washing his hands mind you,

which isn't really a big deal.

I wash my hands for the normal amount of time

for washing your hands.

Which is?

Which is singing happy birthday, generally that timeframe.

Okay, go on.

Anyway, so I finish up and Todd is still scrubbing away

and I'm just like what happened over there?

Like he was leaving a crime scene at the urinal?

Yeah, like what did you touch in your nether regions

to justify that much hand-washing?

Stop being a bully.

I will be doing orders in the back if you need me.

All right kids, it's time to go.

At least try to clean up around here or something?

Love you guys, have fun today.

I'm really not happy with the choices

that you're making right now.

Love you too hun.

I wanna stay home with daddy and have fun.

Oh, but then it wouldn't be fun anymore.

All right kids, let's go.

Let's go get in the car.

Okay.

Come on, time to get in the car.

Time to go

Let's go you stinker.

[upbeat music]

[Adam screaming]

[Adam] Dude, I can't shake this girl.

[Matt] The manager girl?

Yeah, it's weird.

I've never had feelings for anyone other than Jen.

And now I already feel like I'm cheating on her.

Dude, it is no big deal.

It's just like I can't stop thinking about her.

I feel like I'm in high school again.

Like that time you tried to kiss Becky

while she was in the middle of taking a test?

No, no, this is more like in between the time I tried to ask out that deaf girl

and the time I got broken up with one of my girlfriends in the skating room.

Yeah, you look really, really cute.

To this day, I haven't been skating.

You need to get laid.

- Stop it. - No, you know what I mean.

You're too wound up and you know it.

Look, I actually feel really good.

This whole doing whatever I want thing

is really working for me.

- Well, I have an idea. - What?

- Let's set you up on Tinder. - Tinder?

Oh no, I am not ready for that.

Come on man, this is all part of your idea.

You got to test the waters, experiment?

- No, no. - Hand your phone.

- Matt. - Hand me your phone.

- Okay Matt, come on. - Hand me your phone.

- Dude. - Hand me your phone.

This is your burner phone, right?

My burner phone?

Yeah, you can't have two lives with one phone.

I have to have two phones now?

How else do you think we're gonna do this

without you getting caught?

I don't even wanna do this.

Okay, you know what?

Take yours, we'll set up your Tinder account

on my primary phone

and then there's no way Jen will catch you.

Okay yeah, this logic is riddled with reason.

Smile! [phone camera clicks]

All right, now what is something interesting about you?

Hey Connor, what is something interesting about me?

I don't know.

Okay. [phone vibrating]

Hello, oh hey.

Wait, you have a violin recital already?

Oh, are you excited?

You are so awesome.

No sorry, I can't make it.

Yeah, daddy's got to work even at night pumpkin.

All right, all right, you're gonna kill it though.

You do good.

Love you, bye bye.

Lying to your kids now?

Okay, so what happens next?

What are you doing?

Scrolling through people's profiles and clicking like.

Wait, do they know you're doing that?

Yeah, it sends them notification.

Okay well, I wanna see.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, you are no good at this.

You can't even come up with the top five celebrity list.

Okay well, if I'm supposed to like these people,

I at least should pick them, yeah?

Okay, but I get to hold the phone.

Fine, okay no, no.

Her nose is too big.

- What? - No, no, no, pass that one.

Okay no, too much makeup, my goodness.

That's a low hairline.

Nope, oh no, nope.

No, swipe, no.

Oh, her eyebrows are so close together.

She's cute.

Quasimodo, pass, pass.

Oh, hello buck teeth.

Okay, come on man.

- What? - You're saying no

to every girl.

Well, yeah, 'cause they're not right.

How did you even get one girl to fall in love with you?

- What is that supposed to mean? - It means you're being too picky that's what it means.

It means that you don't even understand

what a beautiful girl looks like.

Look at this girl, she's gotta to be what,

an eight at least?

I don't like her haircut.

You're not gonna be bone storming her hair cut.

Well, if that's how she takes care of the upstairs,

who knows what the downstairs looks like?

Sometimes that's a good thing.

It's good to explore some creative downstairs.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what,

you couldn't have gotten a match with her anyways.

Oh okay, okay yeah, go ahead and like that one.

I'll show you.

Like it, or swipe, or push the yes I want this button.

- Just tell her yes, come on. - Liked.

Goodness, so what happens next?

Well next, you wait to see if you're lucky enough

for her to give you a like and then you have a match.

Don't worry about it.

I'll start some conversations, get you a date or two.

This actually could be a lot of fun.

Well, I'm glad that my love life just brings you

so much entertainment.

It really does.

It's kind of like a video game or something.

All right, I gotta go.

Oh hey, I should head out with you.

I got a third date with this chick tonight.

I'm hoping tonight's gonna be the night,

a little bone storming.

[Adam] Dude, how do you keep lying to your wife and getting away with it?

[Matt] I don't know.

[door slams shut]

[chuckles] Betty White.

Hello, beautiful.

I love it.

She'll like it.

[mid tempo music]

I think you've arrived.

What are you talking about?

You're a full on millennial, bro.

You think so?

Only one thing left to do.

What?

You gotta give Sydney the old naked hug.

Dude no, I can't.

Come on, years from now,

you don't wanna tell your kids you went part millennial.

You wanna go full millennial.

Carpe diem, just do it, the time is now baby!

Yeah, rousing speech Shakespeare.

Okay, then just go on a date with her.

No, I'll still feel like a majorly cheating on Jen.

Think about it this way,

it's not like you're taking another job.

It's just like you're going on an interview.

So you'll do it?

- Okay, perfect. - Wait dude,

what are you doing?

- Hey Mikayla, right? - Sydney.

Oh, that's what I meant.

Yeah look, my name's Matt.

I think you know my friend Adam, right?

I think so.

Okay look, I'm trying

to set up this little double date thing

I'm not that good at planning though.

I'm wondering if you wanted to come over

and maybe we could figure something out?

I guess I could.

Cool, come on over.

- I'll follow your lead. - Okay.

So, double date huh?

Is your wing man gonna be doing all the talking

for you as well?

Whoa, I'm not actually gonna be going,

our buddy Connor is gonna go with your friend.

Well, tell your friend that I will see him there at seven.

Oh and maybe make him some flash cards

so he has something to say.

Right, right, right.

Dude, you got a date with your crush,

but you can't screw this one up

'cause it's work romance too

and that could look bad for everyone.

- Dude, why aren't you gonna be there? - All part of the plan my man.

See with Connor there,

you are gonna look like a knight in shining armor.

Odd dates, why, why, why!

Is that gonna be me if the date doesn't go well?

I think your break's about done.

Yeah, yeah.

Where are you going?

Out with the guys.

Well, since you seem to be making all the decisions

for us, do you wanna tell me

how we're gonna pay for these bills?

I don't know, take it out of our savings.

What savings?

Let's pay with a credit card.

Okay, I consider myself to be a pretty chill wife

and I hate how I'm turning into a nag.

Well then, don't nag.

I feel like I have to.

We have a responsibility to provide for our children,

something which you seem to have forgotten about.

You know what, I got another job

so we should be able to make it work.

Right, minimum wage plus tips.

Yeah, doesn't quite cut it.

I am sorry I finally found something that I enjoy doing.

All right, well this little experiment

is putting a strain on things.

Nope, and this is no longer an experiment dear.

I actually enjoy being a millennial.

Yeah, you like it because you get to do whatever the hell you want.

And what's wrong with that?

You made a decision to have a family

and I hate to break it to you, but you don't get to do

what you want all the time for forever.

Sure I can.

I married you because you had your head on straight.

You were patient and you were mature and loving and selfless

which are tremendous attributes for a father and a husband.

And this whole new outlook

that you have can only go so far before you have

to make a big decision.

Oh, what's that?

If you wanna keep your family or not.

Oh yeah.

Dude, you're disgusting.

What, I gotta eat or else I'm gonna get sick.

And if I get sick, none of us are gonna have a good time.

I already feel sick.

No, you're just nervous and it's okay.

I mean, I was nervous the first time too when you know.

Dude, I'm not nervous sick,

I actually just don't feel good.

And you realize this isn't my first time right?

I've been married for 10 years and I have two kids.

You don't have to throw your accomplishments in my face.

- Why did you wear that stupid shirt? - It's not a stupid shirt.

You're a stupid shirt.

You want some?

No, we're about to eat dinner.

- Hello ladies. - Hello.

This is Keira.

- Hi. - Hi Keira

This is Connor.

Okay, I guess we'll sit down.

So, can we get you ladies anything to drink?

Sure, that'd be nice.

Neither of you are like wishy-washy fems, right?

You know, like there's hardcore feminists

that are all about equal rights,

but then there's the wishy-washy ones.

What's the difference?

Okay well, the wishy-washys are fighting for equal rights

but they also expect traditional chivalry on dates.

You know, like opening doors and paying for the meals or something like that.

I'm just like, you're trying to have the best

of both worlds and you can't have it both ways.

We're fine paying for our half.

Oh good, thanks.

No, I was actually just kidding.

Just making a stupid observation.

He does that a lot.

I can't help it.

There's just a lot of stupid things to observe.

Well, what about me?

Is anything stupid about me?

Nope, no, there's nothing stupid about you.

You're just beautiful, and smart, and funny and good.

So what about you Connor?

What do you wanna know?

I'm just trying to get to know you a little bit.

Well, what would you like to know?

- What do you do for work? - Fine, go ahead and ask that.

Excuse me?

Jeez, what's with all the vague what you do questions?

Get to the point Karen.

Oh my God.

Keira, he is a joke.

We're just gonna head to the little boy's room

and freshen up okay?

That's disgusting, we don't need

to know about your details.

I'm talking about me and you buddy.

Oh no, I'm good.

Okay, we'll be right back.

Dude, what the hell are you doing out there?

Relax, it's a part of my strategy.

Your strategy is to berate them.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna rape her.

Oh my God, no berate, berate.

Look, I act like I don't care,

like I'm not interested in her

and it makes her want me even more.

So the more act like I don't want her,

then she's gonna love it.

I'm like, I don't want her, but then she wants this.

Dude, you're taking it too far all right>

- Okay, fine. - Tone it down.

Oh my God, I think I gotta shit.

My goodness, my stomach hurts so bad.

See, you should've ate before we came.

Shut the hell, get out there and make nice, all right?

Stop being such a doofus.

Did you just flick me?

Get out there.

[toilet water flushes]

What?

[toilet water flushes]

Son of a bitch!

[toilet water flushes]

Son of a bitch!

What's your dog's name?

Felix.

- That's quite the name. - I know.

Okay, so they seem to be getting along a lot better.

[Sydney] I ordered for you, I hope that's okay.

Oh yeah, what'd you get me?

Pig's feet.

Oh really?

Yeah, the waiter says they're really good

so I just went with it.

[Keira giggling]

Tell me about yourself,

something that's not work-related?

Well, I'm from Michigan

and I still have a sister that's back there

with my mom and dad.

Okay, why did you move out here?

I wanted to new experiences.

I like mixing things up you know, keeping life interesting.

Plus Michigan is a bit of a hole,

like a hell frozen over kind of hole.

Why?

The town I'm from, people just, I don't know,

they stayed the same as they were in high school.

Not a lot of growth or change

and I guess I just realized

that I wanted to explore life

and I want different places around the world

to help shape who I am.

Lately, I kind of feel like I've gotten

into like just a rut.

My life is just the same routine

like all my other high school friends back home.

Yeah, you have.

Okay, how would you know that?

You have kept everything safe and consistent.

I'll have you know

that I was quite the party animal back in my day.

- Oh really? - Hmm hmm.

All right guys, who's flexible?

I got not one but two games of twister.

You eat the same thing for lunch every day.

Okay, so you're keeping tabs on my lunches now?

What can I say?

I'm a lunch stalker.

Gosh, I envy you.

How so?

You're just carefree and you do whatever you want.

Life is short.

I mean, do what makes you happy right?

What makes you happy?

New experiences, exploring,

meeting new people.

What I love most of all is doing things I'm afraid of.

That is so awesome.

That's disgusting.

[chuckles] Oh, you're serious.

I'm sorry, no, no, no.

You weren't supposed to see that.

Keira, what's wrong?

He has pictures of his poop on his phone.

Wow, gross.

Yeah, he does actually have those.

Come on Syd.

Reschedule, I guess?

Yeah.

Cool.

Everybody poops, it was a little nugget like a little nut.

- Dude! - I didn't show the big stuff.

- Oh my God! - It's okay, you want a roll?

- No. - There's a lot of them left.

[Jen] I think we should all have crowns on, don't you?

- Hmm hmm. - No, you don't want a crown?

- Hmm hmm. - Look I think they're...

What are those?

They're eating giant fruit,

- that's almost the size- - Giant pears.

[crickets chirping] [knocking on door]

- Hey. - Hey.

Sorry, my roommate's sleeping.

Let's go over here.

Oh sorry.

What's up?

I just wanted to apologize.

That is not how I wanted this date to go.

It's fine, it's not your fault.

And Keira's just a bit overdramatic.

- So everyone poops. - Exactly.

I mean, just not everyone takes pictures of it.

Right, right, yeah.

I am sorry about my friend.

Connor can be a real tool sometimes.

I really wanted to go on a proper date with you.

Me too.

I should go.

You don't have to.

I mean, you could stay or whatever.

I should probably go.

[gentle music]

Are you sure you don't wanna stay?

You can come in.

No, I'll just catch you later.

Okay.

♪ However you might feel right now ♪

♪ Someone else is feeling it too ♪

♪ Through all of your ups and downs ♪

♪ Someone else is gonna rise and fall with you ♪

♪ Maybe you just don't believe it ♪

♪ Maybe it's too hard to see it ♪

♪ Maybe you just need to feel it ♪

♪ Maybe then you will believe it ♪

♪ Every moment that you spend alone ♪

♪ There is a reason to call on someone ♪

♪ To be the light ♪

♪ To help bring them home ♪

♪ Look at the stars in the all the sky between ♪

♪ You feel the ground stay underneath ♪

♪ Behind the clouds the sun's still shining ♪

♪ So carry on carry on carry on ♪

♪ So carry on carry on carry on ♪

♪ It's alright whatever helps you through the night ♪

♪ Whatever makes you whole inside ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ So hold on ♪

♪ The struggle's gonna make you strong ♪

♪ The sea will change before too long ♪

♪ So hold on ♪

♪ Carry on carry on ♪

♪ Carry on carry on ♪

♪ Carry on carry on ♪

♪ Carry on carry on ♪

[car horn honking] [car alarm blaring]

[dog barking]

[seat belt alarm beeping]

[gentle music]

[car door slams shut]

[door slams shut]

How long have I been gone?

Too long I guess.

Is this just some scare tactic?

This is math.

We can't even afford next month's mortgage payment.

Where are the kids?

At my mom's.

We'll stay there

for a while until we can find a smaller place.

Is there room for me there?

Not currently.

Look, I can get another job

or maybe try to get my old job back.

If you're not happy with me and the kids,

what's the point of dragging this out?

Don't you think you're rushing into this a bit?

Iris was devastated when you didn't show up

to her violin recital.

She cried a lot.

You made your daughter cry

because you just want her to go out and play.

You used to be there and you're just not anymore.

And I don't wanna fight with you.

I don't wanna argue with you.

I wanna do what's best for the kids.

And I can't live with this behavior as a pattern.

It looks like I screwed this one up.

Care if I take these?

Whatever you want Adam.

[knock on door]

Hey sorry it's so early.

I thought you were...

Is everything okay?

No, I wouldn't say everything's okay.

Well, what's going on?

You knew about it before I did.

So you tell me?

How did you find out?

Found a message in one of his phones.

Look Maddie, I am sorry.

That I found out

or that I've been cheated on.

It looks like we're headed towards divorce.

Matt doesn't even seem to care that he hurt me or the kids.

He told me he was glad he was caught.

Look, Maddie he-

- That bastard could do whatever the hell he wants.

[door slams shut]

[Teddy] I hope you know what you're doing.

Dude, I know what I'm doing.

There's this little chica that I met the other night.

It worked out well.

Do you wanna make some old fashions for dinner,

make a night of it?

You need to slow down.

Hey Adam, come on in buddy.

You didn't text us back

so we weren't sure if you were coming.

What is this?

We're celebrating.

Hey man, I actually just came from your house.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marriage is over, I'm finally free so come on.

What are you gonna do about your kids?

I don't know.

Maddie will just keep 'em.

Hey man, I actually really like Maddie.

You don't know what the hell you're doing.

I mean, she's okay but now I can do whatever I want

so we're celebrating.

You're an asshole.

And you guys, you're assholes for doing whatever this is

and I'm an asshole.

I can't believe I actually wanted this.

We're hurting people.

People that we should care about the most.

And yeah, I can't.

[door slams shut]

[mid tempo music]

Adam, haven't seen you for a while.

Yeah, yeah that's basically why I'm here.

What can I help you with?

Well, I don't really have anybody to turn to

and I basically need some advice.

Of course.

So it looks like prepentance doesn't really work.

I did all of these things that I knew were wrong

and now I just feel worse than I ever have.

My wife already wants to leave me

and I just feel like a terrible person.

So what do I do?

- Repentance. - Repentance?

Repentance, go fix everything.

Go make amends as best you can.

Say sorry to all those you offended, especially your wife.

So it's almost like repentance for prepentance.

Let's just drop the prepentance term, okay?

Fair enough, thanks Father.

See you at church on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

[gentle music]

Hello everyone, this is my first time

and probably my last time going live.

Well, the thing is I'm actually going live

but this message is actually only

for my wife and my kids so.

Oh wow, hey Jake.

Thumbs up to you too Shelly.

Okay, I can see why people do this.

Anyways, a couple months ago,

I decided to be a jerk.

I was feeling trapped

and feeling like I didn't have my own life

or that I was doing anything that was just for me.

I did some pretty wrong things.

The grass isn't always greener.

The grass is actually luscious green

with my family

and I temporarily lost sight of that.

Jen, if you're watching this,

I'm really sorry.

And I hope that you can forgive me

and that you can give me the chance to try

and earn your love and respect again.

I promise that I will be a better husband

and father than I was before this whole experiment of mine.

I love you.

[keyboard keys clicking]

So you just don't like it?

Yeah, it isn't me.

I don't really know what we can do.

I've never had someone try to return a car before.

Well, you've also never had someone buy a car

from you before.

A lot of firsts between you and me.

Would you want another car?

I think I'll just take my old car back

if that's okay with you.

My father-in-law's gonna be so flipping PO'd.

Wait, if I sell you your old car back

that still counts as a sale, right?

Well, look at you growing all up.

All right, so why don't you sell me my car

for the same price I sold it to you for,

and then I'll return this new car

for a slightly less price.

Seem fair?

Boy, I'll say.

All right, put it here buddy, yeah!

Hey, your shoe's untied.

[upbeat music]

♪ As a walk through these halls ♪

♪ I see the faces ♪

Oh, I've missed you.

♪ Of my memories ♪

♪ I hear the laughter ♪

♪ I feel the tears ♪

♪ Now they're so much a part of me ♪

♪ Sun shines upon ♪

[cat meowing] [brakes screeching]

[wailing] Oh Fluffy!

That is just one curious little critter.

Oh, I can't believe.

Yeah, I don't think he's coming back.

Maybe you could you do like a little service or something?

I'm gonna go.

Have a good day guys.

I'm sorry about that.

- Hey. - Hey.

I was thinking that we should talk about last week.

Yeah, that might be good.

Yeah, so I shouldn't have done that, kissed you, I mean.

Oh yeah, I mean probably not a good idea

to dip in the company ink.

Right, yeah, yeah that too.

What do you mean?

What?

- What's the too? - The too?

Yeah, I said it's not good for co-workers to date

and you said, "Yeah, that too."

I'm not following, I'm sorry?

What's your too?

The other reason why we shouldn't hook up?

You know, if you're gonna dump me like a child,

then at least give me the truth like an adult.

Okay, I didn't dump you like a child.

Really I mean, called in sick, avoided me for three days.

And every time you went to the bathroom,

you'd go outside around the back corner just

to avoid passing my desk.

Okay, so now you're keeping tabs on my bathroom habits?

Yeah, I'm a pee stalker.

Come on, just tell me, okay?

It's cool, we're gonna be fine.

It was just a kiss.

So you remember that woman I came in with?

Yeah.

So she is my wife.

You're married?

Wow, you're married and you didn't tell me?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that's a pretty messed up situation

to put me in, right?

Wait, what?

You made me an adulterer.

No, no, no, no, you're not an adulterer.

Well, at least an accomplice to adultery.

You made me the other woman Adam.

Okay, but it was just a kiss.

It wasn't even a big deal.

Yeah, a kiss is no big deal, but with a married man

that's totally different.

Okay, okay yeah, I am really sorry.

Have you told your wife?

Not exactly.

Okay, you're a total piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, I am aware and I actually agree with you.

My dad cheated on my mom

and then left us to be with his new girlfriend.

I don't have a lot of respect for cheaters.

Well, at least your dad is still alive right [chuckles]?

You know, like the joke about your dad being dead?

Speaking of death, I actually killed a cat today.

Choose your moments Adam, you're fired.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, nice shot.

[gentle music]

- Hey man. - What's up?

Security lets you in here?

Yeah, I snuck in.

Ratchett will be pissed if he sees you.

Yeah, I think he'll come around.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the other day.

I got nothing.

Okay yeah, all right look, it's on me, all right?

It's all on me.

I want to apologize

for attacking you on your special day.

Dude, you just used bunny ears on my special day.

That can't possibly mean you're sorry.

I'm sorry, I realized I don't respect your decision.

Oh, you're knocking this apology out of the party slugger.

What works for you just doesn't work for me,

but hey, I'll always love you.

Thanks, but this is what I want.

Yeah, yeah, this is your path and I can't join you on it.

It's your thing.

It's definitely not mine.

I totally kissed Syd.

- Shut up! - Yeah.

What the hell?

Tell me about it.

I mean, there's nothing to say.

I just went to her place after the date

and it kinda just happened.

How was it?

I mean, it was pretty good I guess.

Anything else?

No, no, I told her I had to go.

A little chug though?

- Oh my gosh. - Yes?

Maybe a little.

Things were changing down there.

But the point is, it was very quick and it was wrong.

And I felt terrible.

You're crazy, man.

You have a black eye?

Did you tell Jennifer?

No, no, no, this is Syd.

She didn't know I was married and just.

Oh, that's hilarious.

So that means you're unemployed now?

No, actually I got my old job back.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please

please, please, please, please, please, please, please

please, please, please, please, please, please, please

please, please, please, please, please, please, please

please, please, please, please, please.

Wait, so are you going to tell Jen?

Well yeah, yeah, I'm taking care

of my other mistakes first.

And I'm saving the big one for last.

- Dude come on. - What?

Don't woos out,

go tell her right now.

Right now?

Right now man, right now.

Come on, you said it yourself,

you're better than me, right?

Yeah.

Go make sure you save your family.

- All right, okay. - Go!

- All right. - Go!

Yes all right, thank you, yes.

Do you accept my apology?

- Yeah. - Hmm hmm.

I love you both so much.

You're coming to my next violin recital, right?

I won't miss it for anything.

Okay, hey buddy.

I gotta go talk to your mom, okay.

- Okay. - You guys can stay

in here for a minute?

- Hmm hmm. - Hmm hmm.

I gotta go apologize.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, love you guys.

Love you too.

- Hey. - Hey.

What happened to your face.

Oh, millennialism.

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, I know.

I saw your live.

And?

It was really sweet.

But?

But actions speak louder than words.

Well, curiosity killed the cat, all right?

- I'm a cat, I got killed. - No, I get it.

Hey, I got my old job back.

And are you gonna be happy?

I'm happy knowing you and the kids are happy.

I know, but I want you to be happy.

I am, I am.

I was just in a funk.

Okay, okay, okay, come here.

Sit down please.

Listen, I'm gonna be honest.

Okay, I liked a lot

of the changes I made over this last month or so.

It was really fun to do whatever I wanted.

But then, I had a breakthrough

and I realized that it's not worth it.

I realized that doing what I wanted would just end

with me being alone and I don't wanna be alone.

I don't wanna be without you and the kids, I don't.

I want things just to go back to the way they were, okay?

But, this time I want complete honesty,

just everything out on the table 100%.

So I have something that I need to.

I sort of cheated on you.

Okay, that's it.

It was just a kiss, nothing else. And I put an end to it.

It's completely over, okay.

Never again, honey.

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

Wow, I think it was the right thing to tell me.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I mean, I can only imagine how you're feeling right now.

Honestly, I feel a little bit relieved.

I mean, so the thing is,

I've been cheating on you for the last few years

but it was more than kissing.

I thought we were just being honest with each other.

Can you say something?

Just say something.

Are we gonna be okay?

Can you say something?

What the f- [upbeat music]

♪ Just take a nap I'll take it back ♪

♪ I'll take it all back ♪

♪ And when you're asleep ♪

♪ I'll catch a peak and then a wee ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm ready ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Another day another year ♪

♪ Coming round again ♪

♪ So hard knowing how to live for the present ♪

♪ 'Cause time's an unreliable friend ♪

♪ While the world keeps turning ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Another hope another dream ♪

♪ Staring down the road ♪

♪ It's easy wishing for another life ♪

♪ And twice as hard to face the unknown ♪

♪ While the world keeps turning ♪

♪ And the heart keeps searching ♪

♪ Only one thing's certain ♪

♪ Though we get lost along the way ♪

♪ We'll keep on burning ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Another dime another cage ♪

♪ Seems like it's been a while ♪

♪ Since we were young and wild like fire ♪

♪ 'Cause we're convinced that we've gone out of style ♪

♪ Another breath another calm ♪

♪ You're never on your own ♪

♪ Nobody knows what they're doing tomorrow ♪

♪ So we're all forced to soldier on ♪

♪ While the world keeps turning ♪

♪ And the heart keeps searching ♪

♪ Only one thing's certain ♪

♪ Though we get lost along the way ♪

♪ The world keeps turning ♪

♪ And the heart keeps searching ♪

♪ Only one thing's certain ♪

♪ Though we get lost along the way ♪

♪ We'll keep on burning ♪

♪ I will pray for rain ♪

♪ When the clouds above your head have turned to gray ♪

♪ I will pray for rain ♪

♪ When the clouds above your head have turned to gray ♪

♪ The world keeps turning ♪

♪ And the heart keeps searching ♪

♪ Only one thing's certain ♪

♪ Though we get lost along the way ♪

♪ The world keeps turning ♪

♪ And the heart keeps searching ♪

♪ Only one thing's certain ♪

♪ Though we get lost along the way ♪

♪ We'll keep on burning I will pray for rain ♪

♪ We'll keep on burning ♪

♪ We'll keep on burning ♪

I'm really sorry, okay?

But we can't see each other anymore.

I need to focus on my marriage.

But I really like you.

I know

Like in a lust kind of way.

I thought it was-

- I mean love maybe but.

Did you say in a less kind of way?

Like in a lust.

- Oh, lust? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm very aware of that.

I'm very in lust with you.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull