Original subtitles

INDISTINCT VOICES All right.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Get up and help!

Oh, God. Good morning to you, too.

Look, I've been wedged in a broken IKEA sofa all night.

So forgive me if I'm less than fucking civil!

Well, you could have slept here.

Yeah, well, you were here, pissed, passed out and farting like a moose.

The whole bed's soaking!

Just like old times. Oh, Jesus.

Dad, do you live with us again now?

No, darling, Daddy's just at home for a little holiday.

Well, that won't scar them for life mentally.

Well, what do you want me to say? You couldn't actually bear the boredom

of living with them, so you buggered off to live with another lady.

Mum, we're going to be late for school!

Everyone into Dad's car. Bring your toast.

No, no, no, no, they'll get the seats all sticky!

Bring the Nutella, Billy. Quick, off we go! Billy, don't take the Nutella!

Billy! Billy!

PHONE RINGS Hello, children's services.

'Yeah, how much should a four-year-old's shit weigh?'

Can you please not speak to me like that?

'You can tell that evil cow from me, I'm going to kill her!

'I want my fucking kids back!'

Founding member of the Rose Denby Fan Club.

PHONE BEEPS

'Hello? Yeah, I'd like to foster a child, please. A blonde one.'

All right? How was the police disco?

I think I'm going to be sick.

PHONE RINGS

HE RETCHES

'Not being rude or nothing, but them gays next door have got a fucking kid.

'They can fuck each other, but don't bring a kid into it, right?

Always lovely to hear from the president of the LGBT Tolerance Society.

I'm hungry. Dad, just take it.

CHILDREN TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Bye, kids.

Have a great day, OK?

Love you all. Bye.

Oh, come on, Rose. Give us a kiss. Come on.

CHILDREN: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Fuck you. Bye, Mum! Love you!

Love is in the air!

Last night's dinner's in the air, gross!

I've just seen Rose with her not so ex-husband, smooching downstairs.

Downstairs in public?

Bit rude! Well, no, not rude, actually.

Quite touching.

Hey, Nitty Noodle's got morning sickness.

He went to a party last night.

Oh, Nitin. Hangover?

I don't drink.

Yeah right, your chuck up was at least two parts Malibu.

I'm nearly drunk on the pong.

Someone must have spiked my mocktail.

I'm going to make a cup of tea and pretend I live a different life.

Anyone want one? No, thanks, Al.

I like my life.

I'd love a cup of hot milk.

Line my stomach.

I've got my mate's hen do tonight.

Don't want to end up like old barf bag Nitin here.

Hey, anyone want a chocolate penis?

They're not as good as the real thing, but you know girls!

We've got to make do sometimes, haven't we? Nitin?

I've got some sex cuffs as well, but they're stuck on my wrist.

What am I going to do?

Chuck us a penis.

Oh, that's a grower not a shower, isn't it?

Oh, Nat, can you do an info pack for me?

I need pamphlets, websites, support groups for lesbian, gay,

bi and trans parents, OK?

Yeah, you got it, boss.

PHONE RINGS

HE RETCHES

Right. Come on, Nitin.

Going to get you to the gentlemen's lavatories.

Oh, Mum. No, no.

No, that IS your flat.

I know you don't think it looks like it.

No, Mum. Just stay there, OK?

I'll try and pop round later. Bye, mum.

'Yeah, I'm on benefits.

'You still doing them free trips to Disneyland or what?'

PHONES RING

Apple juice or urine sample?

Wouldn't risk it either way.

Have you got anything to eat that isn't radioactive?

I'm starving.

Told you before, eat breakfast!

By the time I've done the kids' breakfast and I've done Lee his

hundredweight of sausages, I don't have time to eat.

Oh, dear. Ex-husband not pulling his weight?

Well, let's just say he is pulling his weight.

Up to the dinner table. What happened to the posh girlfriend?

I thought he'd moved in. She had an operation to remove the scales from her eyes.

Fuck me! What's that? Has something died?

I'm surprised Nitin hasn't chalked round it.

And called forensics.

PC Plum is throwing his guts up in the lav.

Has he got some sort of serious illness?

No, just a severe case of police disco-itis.

HE EXHALES

What is that? And look, I wet myself.

No, no, no, no, no.

No...

HE GROANS

Just having a lot of really horrible

homophobic calls about this family that have moved into the regenerated

Silworth Estate.

Oh, the Nazi neighbourhood watch mobilised?

How can people still be bothered to be bothered about

a gay couple with kids?

Yeah, and how am I going to do a home visit without looking like I'm

judging them? Well, why would they think that?

I don't know. I'm just nervous about getting it wrong.

Well, maybe not mention "I tried it at uni".

That anecdote. Why don't you go?

You were in a lesbian collective.

I was a political lesbian in 1987 for three weeks.

And did you undermine the patriarchy?

Well, I looked at me Auntie Mary in a mirror a few times.

Happy days! Go on, just come with me.

Don't make me laugh.

I've got to front up the allegations about Denise's son's school.

Haven't you done that yet? Rose!

Well, what am I supposed to say to Denise?

"What are your son's favourite after-school activities?

"Is it football? Is it cross-country running?

"Is it having sex with his English teacher?"

When you're in with Denise, could you have a word about...

because Nitin obviously never mentioned it.

Hey, Mark. What are you doing, breeding tadpoles?

Just making some mint tea to settle poor Nitin's tum.

That's actually five-week old parsley for my kids' guinea pigs.

Oh. Oh, well, it's all herbal, isn't it?

Ah, right.

Mind the...

floor shit.

That's... It's...

All good. Thank you.

All good.

Why don't you take Mark with you?

HE LAUGHS

CODE PAD BEEPS

Nitin not out of the lavs yet?

He's having a private wash.

Is that what you call it? He now thinks he must have digested something

dodgy at the disco.

Why don't we have a look?

Have a look? Well, it's not...

Oh! There's our Nitin.

Now, how is it you can barely answer

and now suddenly you can hack into the central police file?

Yeah. No, I mean it.

Oh, I've got a mate in the Met.

The pictures are on his Instagram feed.

Food poisoning? He's chugging the booze!

Oh, my God, what is that?

What are you all looking at? Hang on, it's tagged.

SHE GASPS

It's Nitin's bum!

Oh, Jesus.

Nitin's photocopied his arse!

SHE LAUGHS

I feel almost human again.

Oh Nitin, could you check your interdepartmental data?

Yeah. I'll just...

What is that? You've probably never seen it from that angle.

LAUGHTER

Right, I'm ordering complete shutdown of all computers, turn them off now. Now!

All right, you lot. You continue with your adolescent fun.

I'm off out to do some actual work.

Al, I'm coming with you!

Al. Al.

This is a very delicate situation,

so the last thing I need is you displaying any of the homophobic values

that have made our British police force what it is today.

If I'd witnessed half the gay hating and racism in the force as I have at social services,

that, Al, would average out at a way smaller percentage.

What?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Sorry about the mess, we've just moved in! So, just to dive in.

We've received some unsettling complaints from some of your new neighbours.

You should hear some of the stuff they're saying about you guys. It's disgusting.

Why? What have we done? Nothing.

We just wanted to check if you've received any direct...

..abuse. No more than usual.

So you have? I'm sorry.

Did you report it?

What, do you think the police round here are going to do anything?

They've got terrorist cells to smoke out, haven't they?

He's right. This estate's got Isis written all over it.

Nitin, seriously? Yeah.

Look, if it happens again,

particularly if anything's directed at your child,

please will you just call me immediately?

There's a lot of ignorant scum around here who can't handle your set-up.

Sorry, what do you mean our set-up? You know, two blokes adopting a kid.

Right. Our child's not adopted, she's biological.

We've got another one on the way.

HE LAUGHS

How... So what...

Who's...

There's a woman. There'll be a woman carrying the baby.

Where? A friend or something.

How does that work? Do you...

No, it's intriguing. Brave new world.

Sorry, are you actually social workers or Daily Mail reporters?

No, he doesn't mean...

And by the way, Guardian, online.

And look, you're obviously terrific parents.

Yeah, and you're right to ignore the haters, because it's 2016, guys.

Let's get with the programme. Let's sit down and watch an episode of Modern Family.

Sorry, are you comparing us to the gay couple in Modern Family?

Yeah. They're hilarious.

No. No.

We are all on the same team.

Now, I'm not suggesting that I'm...

I mean, not that that would be in any...

I think maybe, gentlemen, you're making assumptions now.

Al dresses like Jeremy Clarkson, but when he was at university,

he actually let a rugby player stick a finger up his anus.

Oh, my God. I heard you telling Rose.

OK. Why don't you two

(fuck off?)

I'm sorry. And you're right.

And we should go.

Can I just use your lav?

Yeah, it's through there.

Just tell us, are we on some social services blacklist or something?

NITIN RETCHES

Absolutely not.

And as long as you're OK, child's OK,

I'll just leave you with some relevant literature.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's my assistant.

Thank you.

Just the window, can you open the...

What is wrong with you?

Hey?

PHONE RINGS

Nitin's bum's gone viral.

That's in my head now.

Got you your little Twix. Oh, thank you.

All right, Nit? Where's Al?

Off having a hissy fit, so that's the last time I go out with him.

Didn't know you two were an item!

Oh, by the way, there's a bloke outside wanting to see you.

He's really nice, helped me off with my fluffy handcuffs.

And before you say, "Oh, Natalie my love, how many times have I told you, we don't take walk-ins."

(He's in a wheelchair. Bless.)

CODE PAD BEEPS

Oh, hello. I'm sorry about this,

but we're not actually authorised to see people on site any more.

Would you mind going home and

Is there any chance you could wheel me back to the lift, please?

Of course, sure, no problem.

Thank you, thank you. Let's sort the door out.

Hello, Rose. I bet you didn't expect to see me so soon, did you?

God, it's you. Yeah, it is me.

What's he doing? Open the fucking...

When you put the code in, you pressed it too many times so it's not going to open now.

I pressed it twice and then you...

Just get in there.

Fuck! Bollocks!

Shitting... Stop hitting the fucking code pad, OK? You're going to break it even more!

Shit! Fuck!

CODE PAD BEEPS

Come on!

Oh, my God, what are you doing? I'm putting on my high-vis jacket. Why? It's an emergency.

I know it's an emergency. You know it's an emergency. Is that the best you can do?

CODE PAD BEEPS

Come on!

Rose? Do yourself a favour and fuck off!

This is clearly... Martin! Martin! Rose is being kidnapped! Yes, we know!

Nitin's put in the wrong code about 50 times.

No, Nat put the code in!

Take your hand off my throat.

I can't breathe!

I wasn't born yesterday, all right?

What do you think, I'm going to try stab you with a paperclip?

We need to call 999, or is it 111? Is that just health services?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Short cut, short cut, short cut, here we go!

OK, yeah.

He's a very big guy.

I mean very, very big. Rose? I just want to hear that you're OK.

We can't get in. Shh! I need to focus!

Open the bloody door or I'm sending in SWAT!

Open the bloody door. Give me your hand.

Don't try and get clever with me and I won't try and get clever with you, all right?

No danger of that.

I've been trained in hostage negotiation.

Five-point approach. Listening, empathy, rapport, influence,

behavioural change. That's six things.

No. Listening, empathy, rapport... We should probably hurry things along.

(Watch me. I'm going in.)

Hello. We are here to listen.

Fuck off. You fuck off.

Let me tell you something, right?

If you don't get my kids out of care and back with me lively,

she's going to get it, all right?

Hello? Where is everyone?

Not back from lunch yet.

There's about 20 calls backed up on here.

Has no-one been covering?

'Social services... Dickhead.

'Brexit... Help me, I'm having baby...

'Hi, we'd like to lodge a formal complaint about...

'The name on the card is Al Kavanagh, senior social worker.

'The whole visit was homophobic, ignorant, rude, horrible...'

HE SIGHS

And Denise wants to see you.

PHONE RINGS

OK, Rose, is he packing?

No, he's just standing next to me.

No, I mean, has he got a gun?

Have you got a gun? Have I got a gun?

What? Here or at home?

No, unless he's got one in his pants, he hasn't got a gun.

The Beretta 3032. It's a tiny personal defence weapon.

It could fit in his crotch.

Well, I prefer the PS 1 because although it's still compact,

you've still got the power... What the fuck am I talking to this mug for?

Who is he? What's his name?

Don't you start asking me questions.

I don't even know the geezer.

He just works here. No, he hasn't got a gun, but he is very angry.

He's hungry? Yeah, I am hungry as it happens.

I could fucking murder a Ruby Murray.

Do you hear me? I could murder a Ruby Murray.

He's hungry. It's a common demand among kidnappers, OK?

So, it's usually pizza, but just go get a curry menu.

How was the Adas conference?

Like a bullshit tsunami.

So, I've got a very short fuse.

Well, this is incredibly awkward. Yeah. Well, Rose was going to...

Don't use Rose as a smokescreen.

I want to hear it from you. OK.

Well, we've had a call about a member of staff at Glenway School

conducting a relationship with a pupil.

What? This isn't what I wanted to discuss.

You know my son's at Glenway?

Is he? He might know the girl.

It's a boy. And a female member of staff, Miss Bronson.

OK. No, she is a brilliant teacher.

She tutors the Russell group kids.

Do you have a credible source for this information? A mate of Rose's.

Oh, a mate of Rose's.

Well, in that case, it's probably just a stupid rumour on Ask FM or

a sexting prank. Do you remember that teacher who accidentally sexted

his erect penis to the mother of one of his pupils?

It's bigger than that.

Leave it with me.

So, you'll contact the police.

No, I might go and talk to my son and see if he knows the boy.

It gives us a chance to bond, Dan and I.

He's been a bit withdrawn lately. Think he's got girlfriend problems.

Oh, so he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, well, not one that he's brought home.

But you know, all the telltale signs are there.

He's very groomed. Anyway.

The reason I wanted to see you was I had a formal complaint from

the couple you visited this morning.

They rang you, as well. Apparently you have an implicit tone of judgment

in your voice. Oh, do I now?

There it is. I'm sending you on a sexual diversity awareness course.

In the meantime, Nitin will look after the family in question.

Nitin? It says on his staff profile, look,

that he was a member of the National LGBT police network.

OK. Well, he still managed to get the abbreviation wrong, so...

Well, you're in no position to judge.

One chicken vindaloo.

(One chicken vindaloo.) Any naan bread?

One of them buttery ones. What's them buttery ones called?

Not the coconut ones, because I've got IBS.

The buttery once. Chapatti?

No, he means paratha. Keep him talking.

Just get the cunting curry, all right?

And a two-litre bottle of Diet Coke.

Diet Coke.

How are we going to get the food in there if he won't open the door?

He will have to open it a chink when the food arrives, so we'll wedge it with a brolly,

we'll get in and then we'll slam him face down on the ground. Oi, Nickin. I can hear you, mate.

'Hi, this is Lee's phone. Do the thing.'

Hi, Lee.

Rose is fine. She's not dead.

But she has been taken a tiny bit hostage by a man.

I've been looking for you. Rose is being held hostage.

Martin... Nitin's negotiating her release.

Just at least punctuate your sentences.

Oh, come on, dickhead. Just come and help.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Have you got a bucket? Do I look like got a fucking bucket?

Come on!

What's going on? (Don't worry, we've got it under control. We're playing the long game.)

(They've gone quiet. Maybe they've passed out through lack of oxygen. Or the smell of printer ink.)

Oh, God.

Rose, are you all right?

I'm trapped in a very small room with a very large bloke who's just

unzipped his flies.

I can't go with someone in the room. I'm very happy to wait outside.

No, can you just be quiet a minute, love. Don't even breathe. Oh, here he comes.

URINE TRICKLES

HE MOUTHS

Grub's up. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Let's go.

That's like a yard of urine.

Yeah, well, I

had a lot sort of backed up.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Where's my takeaway?

Open up and we'll pass it through.

Does he think I'm thick as shit, or what?

If you don't open the door, how are we going to give it to you?

You can pass it through the air vent.

Are you sure about this?

Dude, I've faced much bigger challenges.

I used to be part of the LBGT police network.

Oh, forgive me, I didn't know.

So, are you bi, gay or trans?

No. I mean the Little Boy's Gamer Team.

Oh. We've had to cyber think our way out of way worse situations than

this, my friend.

Oh, there's loads of mouse shit.

Yes, I need the police, please.

Alistair, we need to find emergency housing for this family.

Their neighbours torched their flat.

Denise, I'm in the middle of a hostage crisis.

Carol, can you find a B&B for these people, please?

Yes, emergency.

I'm so sorry.

I think I'm a bit stuck.

I didn't know there was a bend in it. Hold on, Nitin.

This is Alistair Kavanagh, senior social worker.

Could you please communicate your concerns?

We will see if we can help.

Yeah, don't worry about that.

I just want my dinner.

Hello. I'm very claustrophobic.

Where is he? Air vent.

And he's stuck. Jesus, this is a nightmare.

Could you help?

I'll tell you what's a nightmare.

Having your kids robbed off you by some nosy cow at social services.

Getting banged up for a year and then coming out to find they've been

put in care and you can't get them back.

That's a fucking nightmare.

LIFT BELL PINGS

They're in this room.

There's one man there with one hostage.

The sooner we get out of here, you can start an appeal to get them back.

Oh, it's all right for you with your perfect middle-class life, isn't it?

Hey? Your kids doing piano lessons,

and your husband who probably knits his own...humus.

Actually, my husband's a useless ballsack who left me and three kids for some

posh bird, but came crawling back because he couldn't even afford to rent a shitty mobile home.

POLICE RADIO: 'OK, Bravo, stand by, over.'

This way. Madam, over here.

Your kids were sleeping in a cupboard because you were growing weed in their bedroom.

They were undernourished, cold and filthy,

and you had them pushing hard drugs at the local primary school,

so don't tell me I was wrong to put them somewhere where they were fed,

cared for, and maybe even loved.

Oh, I love them. They're like flesh and blood to me.

What have I done? What have I done?

POLICE RADIO: 'Transportation en route.

'Be there in 40 minutes. Over.'

They ain't never going to let me have my kids back now, are they?

Look, all you can do is start again.

Just try and be a little bit less shit.

That's all any of us can do.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Go! Go! Move!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Go forward! Forward!

Medic, stand down. Medic, stand down. Yeah, we got him. OK. OK.

We've got him. En route now.

Martin.

Richard? Oh, come on, don't cry.

I am not crying.

12 months, that's not a year.

I'm here to get me kids back, mate. Rose! Rose!

Oh, love, thank God you're here.

What you wearing your tinfoil poncho for?

Yeah, can you take a picture?

Then I can pretend I've done the marathon.

I haven't got me phone. Did you not at all our calls?

No, I locked myself out of the house with the phone inside.

You got the keys, Rose? Oh.

Rose. Yeah?

This your husband? Yeah.

All right, mate. I'm sorry I can't shake your hand. Have this instead.

After him! Stop it!

# People, they ain't no good

# I think that's well understood

♪ People just ain't no good. ♪