Original subtitles

>> Mandersohn: DEEP, RESTFUL

SLEEP, THE KIND OF RELAXING

SLUMBER MADE POSSIBLE BY A QUIET

HEART AND QUIET MIND.

DREAM, ANGEL.

DREAM.

ONE DAY, WE'LL ALL SLEEP THIS

WAY AS WE VOYAGE TO OTHER

PLANETS -- MARS, THE MOONS OF

SATURN, AND OTHER TERRIFIC

STARS.

SOUND IMPOSSIBLE?

IT'S NOT, NOT WHEN YOU HAVE

THREE INDISPENSABLE TOOLS THAT I

WILL TEACH YOU ABOUT TODAY.

I'M RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN.

I'M TOTALLY BLIND, AND I'M ABOUT

TO FILL YOUR BLACK HOLE WITH

"YOU'RE WHOLE."

[ INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

HEY! HI, EVERYBODY!

IS EVERYBODY READY TO LEARN?

>> All: YEAH.

>> Mandersohn: ALL RIGHT.

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO

"YOU'RE WHOLE," MY 27-DVD LIFE

SYSTEM THAT WILL TAKE YOU PLACED

YOU'VE NEVER DREAMED, EVEN IF,

LIKE ME, YOU'RE TOTALLY BLIND.

THANK YOU.

I'M NOTED EXPERT

RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN, AND

I'M SO EXCITED TO GET TODAY'S

JOURNEY UNDERWAY WITH DVD 10,

PROPOFOL.

I THINK I SEE SOME CONFUSED

FACES.

WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?

>> [ Slowly ] WHAT'S PROPOFOL?

>> ISN'T THAT THE ANAESTHETIC

THAT KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON?

>> I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD LIKE

MICHAEL JACKSON.

>> Mandersohn: [ Chuckling ]

HANG ON, GUYS.

HANG ON.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE

AHEAD OF OURSELVES.

[ ALL SIGH, CHUCKLE ]

NOW, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,

YES.

PROPOFOL IS A POWERFUL

ANAESTHETIC, BUT PROPOFOL DIDN'T

KILL MICHAEL JACKSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLED

MICHAEL JACKSON?

PEOPLE.

NOW, I'VE PREPARED A LITTLE

VIDEO TO SHOW YOU HOW I

DISCOVERED PROPOFOL AND WHAT IT

CAN DO FOR YOU.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING

AGAIN, RANDALL?

>> Mandersohn: I'LL SAY.

HOW CAN I SLEEP WHEN THE WORLD

IS SO UNHAPPY?

>> IF EVERYBODY USED THE

"YOU'RE WHOLE" SYSTEM, THE WORLD

WOULD BE HAPPY.

>> Mandersohn: I KNOW IT, PAM.

I KNOW IT.

>> MAYBE I CAN HELP.

>> Mandersohn: THANKS, PAM, BUT

I DON'T THINK YOUR SERVILE,

ORIENTAL BACK RUBS WILL DO IT

TONIGHT.

>> RANDALL, I'VE GOT SOME BAD

NEWS.

YOU'RE TOTALLY BLIND!

>> Mandersohn: I ALREADY KNOW

THAT, DOC.

BUT WHY AM I HAVING SO MUCH

TROUBLE SLEEPING?

>> I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE, YOU

SEE.

WHEN PEOPLE CARE TOO MUCH,

SOMETIMES IT AFFECTS THEIR

SLEEP.

>> Mandersohn: THAT'S WHAT I WAS

AFRAID OF.

[ SIGHS ]

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

>> HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

PROPOFOL?

[ HISSING ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

GOOD MORNING, RANDALL.

RANDALL?

OH, MY GOD! RANDALL!

RANDALL!

OH!

GEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

>> Mandersohn: DEAD?

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A GOOD

NIGHT'S SLEEP.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

MY PERSONAL PHYSICIAN,

DR. CONNOR MURPHY.

DR. MURPHY, LET'S START WITH THE

QUESTION EVERYBODY'S ASKING.

IS PROPOFOL SAFE?

>> YEP.

>> Mandersohn: GREAT.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, AS LONG AS YOU

DON'T OVERDO IT, YOU SHOULD BE

FINE.

>> Mandersohn: WELL, THAT MAKES

SENSE.

>> IT'S LIKE CAKE, MAN.

YOU CAN EAT A PIECE OF CAKE, AND

YOU'LL BE COOL.

BUT IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE CAKE,

YOU'LL PROBABLY PUKE.

>> Mandersohn: MM-HMM.

>> WHEN I WAS IN MEDICAL SCHOOL,

WE USED TO GO NUTS, YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED CRANK?

>> Mandersohn: CRACK?

>> NO, MAN! CRANK!

>> Mandersohn: UH, NO.

>> IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

>> Mandersohn: YEAH.

WELL, WHEN "YOU'RE WHOLE"

RETURNS, I'M GONNA TEACH YOU A

TRICK THAT WILL HAVE YOU

LITERALLY REACHING THE STARS...

ON A BUDGET.

>> [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

>> YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DONE

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK AN HOUR AGO.

>> I KNOW. IT'S JUST SO BORING.

>> HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET INTO

A TOP-FLIGHT COLLEGE IF YOU

DON'T DO YOUR HOMEWORK?

>> I DON'T CARE.

I WISH YOU HAD NEVER ADOPTED ME

FROM INDIA.

>> WELL, SOMETIMES I WISH WE'D

ADOPTED A BOY FROM A HIGHER

SOCIAL CASTE.

>> Mandersohn: HEY, HEY.

TAKE IT EASY, GUYS.

>> RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> Mandersohn: I HEARD YOU GUYS

FIGHTING OVER HOMEWORK.

>> I BET THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

PROBABLY HEARD US.

>> Mandersohn: WELL, DON'T

WORRY, 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A

BRAND-NEW WAY TO MAKE HOMEWORK

TIME...

FUN TIME.

>> HOMEWORK -- FUN?

THIS I'VE GOTTA SEE.

>> Mandersohn: IT'S MY BRAND-NEW

HOMEWORK RANDOMIZER.

IT TAKES DOING HOMEWORK TO A

WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

OPEN THE BAG AND TAKE OUT THE

SPECIAL RANDOMIZER.

NOW ROLL THE RANDOMIZER AND SEE

WHAT YOU GET.

>> I ROLLED A FIVE.

>> Mandersohn: THAT MEANS ANSWER

THE FIFTH QUESTION!

>> HOMEWORK HAS NEVER BEEN THIS

FUN!

>> HEY! LET ME TRY!

>> GET YOUR OWN HOMEWORK, DAD.

>> Mandersohn: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> THANKS, RANDALL.

>> Mandersohn: NO.

THANK YOU...

FOR ADOPTING A CHILD NOBODY

WANTED.

>> Mandersohn: WE'RE BACK.

YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE I WAS A

TOTALLY BLIND YOUNG BOY, I USED

TO LOOK UP IN THE HEAVENS AND

DREAM ABOUT VISITING THE STARS,

AND I DON'T MEAN THE ONES IN

BEVERLY HILLS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALTHOUGH IF DYAN CANNON WANTS TO

SAY HELLO, I'M NOT GONNA SAY NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, GUESS WHAT, GANG?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DREAM ABOUT IT

ANYMORE, BECAUSE I'M GONNA SHOW

YOU HOW YOU CAN VISIT THE STARS.

TOBY, COME ON OUT HERE.

NOW...

>> [ Whispering ] What is that?

>> Mandersohn: ...DOES ANYBODY

KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

>> IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF

TUBE?

>> Mandersohn: IT IS.

BUT CAN YOU GUESS WHAT KIND?

>> A...SCIENCE TUBE?

>> Mandersohn: YOU'RE GETTING

WARMER.

ANYBODY ELSE?

>> I KNOW! A ROWBOAT!

>> Mandersohn: GOOD GUESS.

NO, THIS...

IS A TELESCOPE.

[ ALL GASP ]

>> I THOUGHT THOSE WERE ONLY IN

THE MOVIES!

>> Mandersohn: NO.

TELESCOPES ARE VERY REAL AND

VERY FUN.

AND YOU'RE GONNA LEARN ALL ABOUT

THEM IN DVD 24, "TELESCOPES."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

I'M HERE WITH DR. SIMON OSWALD

AT THE GODDARD OBSERVATORY.

DR. OSWALD, WELCOME TO

"YOU'RE WHOLE."

>> I'M VERY HAPPY TO SHARE MY

LOVE OF ASTRONOMY.

>> Mandersohn: GREAT.

FIRST QUESTION.

I'M A LEO. WHAT'S IN MY FUTURE?

>> [ Chuckling ] RANDALL, I

THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ASTRONOMY

WITH, UH, ASTROLOGY!

>> Mandersohn: [ LAUGHS ]

AM I?

>> I'M AFRAID SO.

>> Mandersohn: WELL, I JUST WANT

TO KNOW IF NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO

BUY REAL ESTATE.

>> I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA.

WELL, WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS

THAT OUR NEAREST NEIGHBOR IN THE

GALAXY IS PROXIMA CENTAURI.

>> Mandersohn: THINK YOU'RE

PRETTY SPECIAL, HUH?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

COME ON HERE, SHOW ME UP IN

FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

MUST MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT

10 FEET TALL.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> Mandersohn: I TELL YOU, MAYBE

YOU COULD TAKE THAT TELESCOPE,

SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T

SHINE -- MATCH THAT STICK YOU

GOT UP THERE.

HOW YOU LIKE THAT?

>> WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT I

MEANT --

>> Mandersohn: UH, I-I-I DON'T

KNOW -- WHAT DID YOU MEAN?

"RANDALL'S AN IDIOT."

>> NO.

>> Mandersohn: IS THAT HOW YOU

FEEL?

>> I DIDN'T -- I-I --

>> Mandersohn: OKAY.

NOW LET'S TRY WHAT WE'VE LEARNED

ON AN ACTUAL TELESCOPE.

BUT I'M GONNA NEED A VOLUNTEER.

>> OOH!

>> Mandersohn: UM...HOW ABOUT

YOU?

W-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> DEBBIE.

>> Mandersohn: DEBBIE!

[ ALL CHUCKLING ]

THAT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME.

WHAT'S YOUR ASTRONOMICAL SIGN?

>> I'M A CAPRICORN.

>> Mandersohn: A CAPRICORN!

OKAY! COME ON OVER HERE.

STEP ON DOWN BY THE TELESCOPE,

AND TAKE A LOOK THROUGH THERE

AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.

>> IT'S VERY BRIGHT.

I-IS THAT BECAUSE IT'S POINTED

AT THE LIGHTS?

>> Mandersohn: NO, DEBBIE.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VERY

BRIGHT FUTURE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> CAN I STEP ON THE SCALE?

>> Mandersohn: NO NEED TO,

DEBBIE, BECAUSE I HAVE SOME

GREAT NEWS.

DEBBIE...

YOU JUST LOST...

ALL THE WEIGHT!

[ ALL GASPING ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU, RANDALL! THANK YOU!

>> Mandersohn: OH-H-H, MY

PLEASURE.

WHEN "YOU'RE WHOLE" RETURNS,

WE'RE GONNA PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

GREAT JOB.

>> Mandersohn: WELCOME BACK.

WELL, SO FAR TONIGHT, YOU'VE

HEARD ABOUT PROPOFOL, AND YOU'VE

HEARD ABOUT TELESCOPES.

BUT NOW WE'RE GONNA PUT IT ALL

TOGETHER.

HOW?

WITH DVD 4, "ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

WHAT DOES OUR THIRD PRESIDENT

HAVE TO DO WITH "YOU'RE WHOLE"?

PLENTY. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY, I

NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

POSSIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

BUT THEN MY PAPPY GAVE ME

SOMETHING.

>> HERE, SON.

IT'S A TELESCOPE.

>> THANKS, PAPPY!

>> JUST POINT IT AT THE STARS.

THEY'LL TELL YOU YOUR DESTINY.

>> IT SAYS I'M GOING TO BE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> MY STARS!

>> NO, PAPPY.

THEY'RE ALL OUR STARS.

>> OH, INDEED, THEY ARE,

ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

INDEED, THEY ARE.

>> Mandersohn: LET'S MEET HIM

NOW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

[ "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING ]

>> FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS

AGO, I PURCHASED "YOU'RE WHOLE."

BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.

>> Mandersohn: NO WONDER THEY

CALL HIM "HONEST ABE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANKS FOR BEING HERE,

PRESIDENT LINCOLN.

>> ANYTHING FOR YOU, RANDALL.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'VE GOT

TO REST THESE OLD BONES.

>> Mandersohn: SURE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ HISSING ]

>> Mandersohn: AT

"YOU'RE WHOLE," WE'RE SOLVING

PROBLEMS AND SAVING LIVES.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE COULDN'T SAVE

THE LIFE OF

PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

>> HE'S DEAD.

[ ALL GASP ]

>> Mandersohn: YES.

SLEEP, SWEET PRINCE.

SLEEP THE SLEEP OF ANGELS IN

AMERICA.

WE SALUTE YOU,

PRESIDENT LINCOLN, AND WE SALUTE

ALL OF THE BRAVE PATRIOTS THAT

ARE FILLING THEIR AMERICAN HOLES

WITH "YOU'RE WHOLE."

>> Mandersohn: ORDER

"YOU'RE WHOLE" NOW FOR THREE

EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.99.

THAT'S $19.99.

YOU GET THE DVDs, THE

RTM HOMEWORK RANDOMIZER, AND A

16-OUNCE SAMPLE CONTAINER OF

PROPOFOL.

CALL NOW.