Original subtitles

>> I'M NOT ENOUGH.

>> LIFE CONFUSES ME.

>> HOW DO I LEARN THE SECRETS OF

ORIENTAL PEOPLE?

>> I WANT TO PLAY INTRAMURAL

VOLLEYBALL.

>> I WISH I HAD A JUICER.

>> I WISH I WAS WHOLE.

>> All: I WISH I WAS WHOLE.

>> Mandersohn: I'M RANDALL TYREE

MANDERSOHN -- AUTHOR, LECTURER,

EXERCISE MAN, CRAFTSPERSON,

THREE-STAR CHEF, FOLLOWER OF ALL

RELIGIONS, STUDENT OF ORIENTALS,

PLAYER OF INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL.

I'LL GO ANYWHERE, TASTE

ANYTHING, DO ANYONE.

AND I DO ALL OF IT WHILE BEING

TOTALLY BLIND.

I'M WHOLE.

YOU'RE WHOLE.

[ INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

AND WELCOME TO "YOU'RE WHOLE."

I'M RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN,

AND TODAY I'M GONNA TEACH YOU MY

REVOLUTIONARY SYSTEM, THE SAME

SYSTEM USED BY ROCK CLIMBERS,

PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE, AND FORMER

OLYMPIC GYMNAST ALTERNATE

ASHLEY WILTS-HIGGS.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT

"YOU'RE WHOLE," AND I DON'T WANT

TO WASTE ANOTHER SECOND, SO

LET'S GET TO IT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

HERE IT IS, MY LIFE'S WORK ON 27

DVDs.

JUST IMAGINE -- 27 DVDS THAT

WILL TRANSFORM THE WAY YOU LIVE,

THE WAY YOU DO LAUNDRY, EVEN THE

WAY YOU TIE SAILOR KNOTS.

LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING

WITH DVD 1, "NUTRITION."

DON'T THINK IT CAN WORK?

LET'S LISTEN TO WENDY'S STORY.

>> I WAS HEAVY MY WHOLE LIFE.

NOTHING WORKED.

BUT THEN I PUT "YOU'RE WHOLE" IN

MY MOUTH, AND LOOK AT ME NOW!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Mandersohn: WOW!

WENDY, AS YOU KNOW, I'M TOTALLY

BLIND, BUT I HAVE TO SAY, YOU

LOOK GREAT!

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

>> THREE LETTERS -- SPC.

[ AUDIENCE MURMURING ]

>> Mandersohn: I SEE SOME

CONFUSED FACES OUT THERE, SO LET

ME EXPLAIN.

SPC IS THE HEART...AND STOMACH

OF MY PATENT-PENDING NUTRITION

PLAN.

SPC...

SMOOTHIES...

PUMPKINS...

COOKIES.

[ APPLAUSE ]

EACH DAY DURING THE WEEK, YOU'LL

ALTERNATE BETWEEN SMOOTHIES,

PUMPKINS, AND COOKIES.

DAY SEVEN IS YOUR TOILET DAY,

AND THEN YOU START ALL OVER

AGAIN.

NOW, HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

>> YEAH!

>> Mandersohn: DAY ONE IS

SMOOTHIES.

I LIKE MINE WITH STRAWBERRIES,

MANGOES, KALE, DICED CHICKEN,

VANILLA, YOGURT, AND PLENTY OF

ASPARTAME.

DAY TWO IS PUMPKINS.

YOU'RE GONNA EAT NOTHING BUT

PUMPKINS, AND I'M GONNA TEACH

YOU HOW TO CARVE A PUMPKIN,

COOK A PUMPKIN, AND EAT A

PUMPKIN.

PLUS ALL MY SECRET RECIPES

FOR...

PLUS 25 MILLION MORE!

[ APPLAUSE ]

DAY THREE IS MY FAVORITE DAY.

>> All: COOKIES!

>> Mandersohn: COOKIES!

>> All: COOKIES!

>> Mandersohn: COOKIES!

>> All: COOKIES!

>> COOKIES!

>> Mandersohn: AND THEN YOU

SPEND DAY SEVEN ON THE TOILET.

WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TEACH

YOU SOME STARTLING SECRETS FROM

A SURPRISING PLACE.

>> "F," "F," "F"!

THIS IS THE WORST REPORT CARD

I HAVE EVER SEEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM

IS.

>> I'M JUST STUPID!

I'LL ALWAYS BE STUPID!

>> [ Thinking ] MAYBE HE IS

STUPID.

>> Mandersohn: HI, FRIEND.

>> RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> Mandersohn: I HEARD ABOUT

YOUR PROBLEM WITH ISAAC.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIM

"YOU'RE WHOLE."

>> BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST

FOR ADULTS.

>> Mandersohn: "YOU'RE WHOLE" IS

FOR EVERYBODY.

I RECOMMEND DVD 7,

"MAKING THE GRADE."

>> THANKS.

I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

"A," "A," "A"!

THIS IS THE BEST REPORT CARD

I'VE EVER SEEN.

THANK YOU, RANDALL!

>> THANKS, MR. MANDERSOHN.

>> Mandersohn: YOU GOT IT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANKS. WE'RE BACK.

NOW IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT

DVD 14 IN THE "YOU'RE WHOLE"

SERIES, "SECRETS OF THE

ORIENTALS."

ORIENTALS ARE SOME OF THE

STRANGEST, MOST INSCRUTABLE

PEOPLE ON EARTH.

ANY CULTURE THAT CAME UP WITH

EATING RAW FISH HAS GOT TO BE A

LITTLE STRANGE.

AM I RIGHT?

[ SCATTERED CHUCKLES ]

I'VE MET SOME GREAT ORIENTALS

IN MY TRAVELS, ALTHOUGH I

COULDN'T ALWAYS TELL THEM APART.

[ SCATTERED CHUCKLES ]

BUT AFTER YEARS OF STUDYING

THEM, I'VE FINALLY UNLOCKED ALL

THEIR SECRETS.

SECRET NUMBER ONE -- ORIENTAL

MASSAGE.

ORIENTALS LOVE TO GIVE MASSAGES

BECAUSE IT'S THEIR NATURE TO

SERVE.

THANKS, HANNAH.

I'LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE.

I'LL TEACH YOU ALL THE ANCIENT

CHINESE SECRETS -- PRESSURE

POINTS, BABY OIL, WORKING THE

BUTTOCKS, AND SO MUCH MORE.

NOTICE HOW I'M REALLY GETTING

IN THE BUTTOCKS.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BARBARA?

>> MM.

THANKS, RANDALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Mandersohn: IN THE SECOND

HALF OF "SECRETS OF THE

ORIENTALS," I'LL SHARE WITH YOU

OVER 60 MINUTES OF

ORIENTAL-STYLE MUSIC I WROTE TO

HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY.

THIS ONE'S CALLED

"YOU CAN DO IT ALL WITH YOU."

* YOU CAN DO IT ALL WITH YOU

* JUST YOU AND YOU AND YOU

* WHATCHA DO WITH YOU WHEN YOU

DO THE THING YOU DO WITH YOU *

* AND YOU'RE WHOLE

* AND ME

DID YOU LIKE THOSE?

>> YEAH!

>> Mandersohn: THANKS.

THE FINAL HALF OF THE

"SECRETS OF THE ORIENTALS" DVD

IS A WORKSHEET I DEVELOPED WITH

AN ACTUAL ORIENTAL KID.

LET'S MEET HIM NOW.

COME ON OUT HERE, TRON.

THIS IS THE KID.

WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL GET

EVEN DEEPER INTO "YOU'RE WHOLE."

PLUS, A VERY SPECIAL OFFER.

>> [ Thinking ] I HAVEN'T MADE

LOVE TO MY WIFE IN WEEKS.

>> [ Thinking ] WHY WON'T HE

INITIATE INTIMACY?

>> SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST SAY NO.

>> HE PROBABLY ISN'T ATTRACTED

TO ME ANYMORE.

>> Mandersohn: PUMPKIN NUGGETS,

ANYONE?

>> RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> Mandersohn: HI, FRIEND.

I HEARD ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL

PROBLEMS, AND I THOUGHT I COULD

HELP BY SHOWING YOU

"YOU'RE WHOLE."

>> "YOU'RE WHOLE" CAN HELP US BE

INTIMATE?

>> Mandersohn: YOU BET IT CAN.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW.

>> THAT WAS GREAT LOVEMAKING.

>> IT SURE WAS.

"YOU'RE WHOLE" TAUGHT ME A LOT

TONIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Mandersohn: WE'RE BACK.

NOW IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY

FAVORITE DVD IN THE

"YOU'RE WHOLE" SERIES BECAUSE IT

BRINGS TOGETHER EVERYTHING WE'VE

LEARNED.

IT'S DVD 27, "INTRAMURAL

VOLLEYBALL."

[ APPLAUSE ]

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL IS A LOT

OF FUN.

AND JUST LIKE IN LIFE, IN

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL, IT'S NOT

THE RESULTS THAT MATTER, IT'S

THE "NET" RESULTS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Mandersohn: IN THIS EXCLUSIVE

DVD, I'LL TEACH YOU THE RULES OF

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL, BASIC

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL

STRATEGIES, EVEN HOW TO SET UP

AN INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL NET.

PLUS, I'LL UNVEIL A BRAND-NEW

ORIENTAL-STYLE SONG I WROTE

ENTITLED "INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL

WITH YOU."

WHILE YOU'RE ENJOYING THAT,

I'M GONNA PLAY SOME MORE

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL.

* INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL

* OH, WAY

* OH, WAY, OH, WAY

* IT'S LIKE A SPORTS

EARTHQUAKE *

* OH, WAY

* OH, WAY, OH...

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANKS.

NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT OUR

SPECIAL GUEST.

SHE'S A GRADUATE OF THE

"YOU'RE WHOLE" PROGRAM AND A

1988 OLYMPIC GYMNAST ALTERNATE.

PLEASE WELCOME

ASHLEY WILTS-HIGGS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

HI, ASHLEY.

>> GREAT TO BE HERE, RANDALL.

>> Mandersohn: ASHLEY, HAVE YOU

EVER PLAYED INTRAMURAL

VOLLEYBALL?

>> ARE YOU KIDDING?

IT'S THE KEY TO THE

"YOU'RE WHOLE" SYSTEM.

>> Mandersohn: I CALL IT A

SPORTS EARTHQUAKE.

>> I JUST CALL IT A WHOLE LOT OF

FUN!

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

>> RANDALL, I LIKE PLAYING

SOFTBALL.

CAN I SUBSTITUTE SOFTBALL FOR

VOLLEYBALL?

>> Mandersohn: GREAT QUESTION,

TIM.

NO.

>> THANKS!

>> Mandersohn: ASHLEY, ARE YOU

READY TO PLAY SOME INTRAMURAL

VOLLEYBALL?

>> AS READY AS I WAS TO BE AN

ALTERNATE ON THE 1988

U.S. OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS TEAM!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Mandersohn: SO, GUYS, I HAVE

TO ASK, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY

TO FEEL BETTER, LOOK BETTER, GET

ALL OF THAT INCREDIBLE

ORIENTAL-STYLE MUSIC, AND LEARN

TO PLAY INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL?

>> $5,000?

>> Mandersohn: WHAT IF I TOLD

YOU YOU COULD PURCHASE THE

ENTIRE "YOU'RE WHOLE" DVD SERIES

FOR 3 EASY PAYMENTS OF $29.99?

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT REMEMBER I TALKED TO YOU

GUYS ABOUT A VERY SPECIAL

OFFER?

THEY JUST CAME IN FROM THE

FACTORY, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN

MORE EXCITED.

IT'S THE AUTOGRAPHED

RANDALL TYREE MANDERSOHN

INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL, AND I'M

GOING TO INCLUDE IT ABSOLUTELY

FREE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I WANT TO [BLEEP] YOU BLIND,

RANDALL!

>> Mandersohn: THAT'S OKAY!

I'M ALREADY BLIND!

THAT'S THE DVDS, THE JUICER, THE

VOLLEYBALL, SMOOTHIES, PUMPKINS,

COOKIES, ORIENTAL-STYLE MUSIC,

WHISTLING, PHONE CALLS, LEARNING

HOW TO MAKE MARSHMALLOWS, GLASS

BLOWING, POPCORN POPPING,

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO

KNOW ABOUT OTTERS, LEARNING HOW

TO READ HEBREW, AND --

[BLEEP]

GET THE [BLEEP] OFF ME!

GET THE [BLEEP] OFF ME!

GET THE [BLEEP] OFF ME! AAAH!

>> I AM ENOUGH.

I AM WHOLE.

>> LIFE NO LONGER CONFUSES ME.

I'M WHOLE.

>> NOW I KNOW THE SECRETS OF

ORIENTAL PEOPLE.

I'M WHOLE.

>> INTRAMURAL VOLLEYBALL IS

GREAT.

I'M WHOLE.

>> NOW I HAVE A JUICER.

I'M WHOLE.

>> All: I'M WHOLE.

>> Mandersohn: I'M RANDALL TYREE

MANDERSOHN.

YOU'RE WHOLE.

* I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF

YOU *

* TO DO THE SPECIAL THINGS THAT

YOU DO *

* WITH ALL THE SPECIAL POWERS

YOU HAVE IN YOU *

* AND ME