Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: SO LOVELY.

WHAT KEY IS THAT IN B SHART?

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" SPECIAL

SEASON FINALE.

CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR.

SINCE IT'S ALL ALSO THE LAST

INSTALLMENT OF OVERPRICED

CONCERT TEE WITH SEXY TROUBLE BY

POPULAR DEMAND I BROUGHT BACK

DOUBLE STUBBLE.

THAT'S A LOT OF GROWTH.

TONIGHT'S FEATURED TEE IS THE

OFFICIAL HUSBAND OF THE MUPPETS.

DR. TEETH AND THE ELECTRIC

MAYHEM.

[***]

>> Tosh: BUNCH OF PUPPETS

PRETENDING TO SING JUST LIKE ONE

DIRECTION.

TONIGHT I CONDENSED 900 MINUTES

OF PROGRAMMING INTO FOUR AND A

HALF AND SHOW YOU OUR VERSION OF

THE NUTCRACKER AND IF YOU'RE

GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS SANTA MAY

PAY YOU A VISIT AT THE END OF

THE SHOW.

DOUBTFUL.

NOW TRUST ME, DON'T ASK THIS GUY

TO PLAY SILENT BUT DEADLY NIGHT.

ISN'T THAT HOW KATY PERRY WRITES

ALL OF HER SONGS.

WRAPS HER BIG OLE TURD CUTTER

AROUND A TUBA AND JUST COMPOSES.

OKAY.

NOW SNEAK IT BACK INTO YOUR

SISTER'S ROOM.

THE GUY PLAYS A MEAN FLUTE, NO

DOUBT ABOUT IT BUT HE'S NO KENNY

G.

I LEFT HIM WITH A MOUTHFUL OF

SMOOTH JAZZ.

LOOKS LIKE THE SON OF A BITCH

JACK FROST TURNED HIS

NEIGHBORHOOD INTO ONE BIG GAME

OF SHUFFLEBOARD.

>> LOOK OUT, LADY!

>> Tosh: JUST LIKE A TAYLOR

SWIFT RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S KIND OF SOOTHING AND

BEAUTIFUL IF YOU PUT THE RIGHT

MUSIC BEHIND IT.

TO BE FAIR PUTTING ON TIRE

CHAINS IS A HASSLE.

YOU WANT TO STEER INTO THE

WRECK.

OKAY, THAT ONE WASN'T THE ICE'S

FAULT.

THAT DRIVER WAS ASIAN.

LUCKILY THE HAPPY HONDA DAYS

SALES EVENT JUST STARTED.

THAT'S A WEIRD THING TO CHEER

FOR.

THERE WAS A WORSE EXCELLENT

LATER THAT NIGHT.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> COME AND GET ME SATAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: ON THE BRIGHT SIDE I'VE

GOT A FREEZER FULL OF MAGIC

REINDEER MEAT.

HE'S AN EXPERT TO TEST YOUR

RACIAL SENSITIVITY.

SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES TO FIGURE

OUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE

VIDEO.

>> Tosh: IT'S YOU JUST A SHOW

BALL FIGHT.

SEE, WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

IS THIS A KWANZA THING?

THEY MAY BE DOING WHITE PEOPLE

STUFF BUT THAT'S THE BLACKEST

SIGN EVER.

THEY SAY A LOT OF PEOPLE HANG

THEMSELVES ON CHRISTMAS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR

TRYING TO TRICK SANTA INTO

FILLING HIS BUTTHOLE WITH

STOCKING STUFFERS.

WHEN KRISS KRINGLE GETS THERE

HE'LL CALL 911 FOR YOU

.

NOW TIME FOR THE PAGEANT.

FIRST UP THE WAYANS ELEMENTARY.

I KNOW HOW 7 FEELS.

HEY, WHY DIDN'T TRUE LOVE GIVE

HIM SO MANY BIRDS FOR CHRISTMAS

ANY HOW?

THINK ABOUT IT.

IS THIS A PAGEANT OR DUNK

CONTEST.

THAT'S A SOLID EFFORT SO LET'S

CHECK WIN WILLIAM McKINLEY HIGH.

I PRAY THAT'S A SCHOOL FOR THE

DEAF.

OKAY, LAST YEAR'S CHAMP WOULD

HAVE TO VOMIT ON STAGE TO LOSE

THE TITLE.

[ SINGING ]

>> Tosh: TOO MUCH PRE-SHOW NOG.

A REAL PRO DOES THAT BEFORE

EVERY PERFORMANCE.

LEARNED THAT ONE FROM DEMI

LOVATO.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S CALL THE CONTEST A DRAW

AND ELIMINATE ALL FUNDING FOR

THE ARTS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> YOU'RE MEANT TO DO THIS.

WHEN YOU DO STUFF LIKE THIS

YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.

>> HE'S NOT TRYING, DUDE.

TOO SCARED.

>>

>> PEER PRESSURE IS THE WORSE

KIND BESIDES SIGN US.

LOOKS LIKE A TIGHT FIT.

THEY SHOULD BE USING SPACE BAG

TO GET HIM, TWO SWEATERS AND

FOUR FRIENDS AND STILL MORE ROOM

FOR THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

A PERSON'S BODY SHOULD NEVER END

UP IN A SUITCASE UNLESS SHE SAYS

SOMETHING REALLY CRAZY AND THERE

AREN'T WITNESS AND CAN'T PROVE

MOTIVE.

>> JUST GO.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NOT A

SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL THIS

IS GOING TO WORK.

IT WOULD BE QUICKER TO PUT HIM

STRAIGHT IN THE BODY BAG.

DRAGGING SOMEONE BEHIND A PICKUP

TRUCK IN THE WINTER EVEN MAKES

HATE CRIMES SEEM WHIMSICAL.

SOMETIMES IT'S SAFER JUST TO

STAY INSIDE AND DO DRUGS, KIDS.

THEY SHOULD SAKE THAT SUITCASE

TO THE AIRPORT AND SWITCH IT

WITH ONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A

DEAD BOY IN IT.

>> WHAT HURTS?

WHAT HURTS?

>> Tosh: HE'S CRYING BECAUSE

HE'S CRAMMED AGAINST THE

COLLAPSABLE HANDLE.

SUCK IT UP YOU'RE TEARS ARE

GOING TO FREEZE INTO I'M BEING

PUSSY-CICLES.

>> WE NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE

BRIEF CASE.

>> I'M STARTING TO THINK THESE

GUYS MAY NOT BE SMART.

ONE, THAT'S NOT A BRIEF CASE.

TWO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

UNPACK SOMEONE WITH A SPINE

INJURY.

>> GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

>> Tosh: NO HOSPITALS.

YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW

ABOUT THIS ATTEMPTED

MANSLAUGHTER YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT

ON YOUTUBE.

TOO BAD THE JACKASS GUYS NEVER

MADE A CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD OR SOBER.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH A BUNCH OF

STUFF YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN BUT

BEFORE WE GO THIS CAN'T BE THE

FIRST BONER THIS GRINCH HAS

KILLED.

>> I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU.

>> LET GO OF MY BROOM.

TAKE IT DOWN.

NOW.

TAKE IT DOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I'M WEARING

BUT WHO I'M WEARING BECAUSE THIS

IS THE SEASON FOR HIGH FASHION.

[***]

>> Tosh: WHAT SO SPECIAL ABOUT

MY WARDROBE THIS SUMMER?

I'LL BE WEARING SICK KICKS FOR

THE LADIES.

THIS FALL, THE WARDROBE WILL BE,

OVER PRICED CONCERT TEES.

WAIT...

WITH SEXY STUBBLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY WEEK I DRESS LIKE AN

ASSHOLE TO DELIVER YOU A QUALITY

PROGRAM.

IF YOU TOLD ME WAY BACK IN THE

YEAR OF 2009 THIS WOULD BE THE

NUMBER ONE SHOW ON COMEDY

CENTRAL I WOULD HAVE, YEAH.

I'M EXTREMELY TALENTED BUT WHAT

DID WE LEARN IN 2012?

NEVER SHOWER AT PENN STATE OR

WEAR A HOODIE IN FLORIDA OR

WATCH A MOVIE IN COLORADO.

WE TRADED WHITNEY HOUSTON FOR

BLUE IVY AND THE HURRICANE

WASHED AWAY THE HERPES LEFT FROM

THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE AND A

GUY ATE A BUM'S FACE OFF AND

HEIDI KLUM LEFT SEAL BECAUSE HE

LOOKED LIKE A BUM THAT ATE HIS

FACE OFF.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS TOLD TO TAKE

HIS BALL AND GO HOME AND TWICE

HOWARD GOT TWO COACHES FIRED AND

NBA SHOWED HOW UNPATRIOTIC THEY

ARE BY DVRING HOCK THE OLYMPICS

AND 50 SHADES OF GRAY PROVED YOU

CAN WRITE A DUDE ABOUT CHOKING

WOMEN AND SHOVING STUFF UP THEIR

BUTT BUT HEAVEN FORBID YOU TELL

A JOKE ABOUT.

.

SURE I DOUBLED THE NUMBER OF

FEMINISTS WHO HATE ME AND

DOUBLED THE SHOWS I HAVE ON TV.

NO REGRETS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO

LOOK BACK AT HOW I SPEND MY LAST

YEAR ON EARTH WITH THE WEB

REFLECTION.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DANIEL

TOSH.

>> Tosh: LET'S GO, GUYS.

>> WHAT ARE THESE SPRITZERS FOR?

>> THEY'RE FOR THE BITCHES.

THEY'LL MAKE THAT ASS DROP.

YOU DUMB BIG STUPID [BLEEP]

HOLES.

>> THANKS, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: HURRY UP.

GET OVER HERE.

THIS PARTY IS FULL OF ASIANS.

>> OBAMA.

>> NO.

LOUDER DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.

>> OBAMA.

>> COOKIES.

LET ME WORK MY HAND AROUND THE

SIDE AND INTO YOUR BREAST.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HOLOGRAM COOLIO.

>> WELCOME TO ROCK POINT OWE.

I'M YOUR HOST, CHRIS ROCK.

>> HOW MANY DAMN TIMES I GOT TO

TELL YOU TO QUIT DRAINING MY

POOL.

>> YOU'RE THROWING A FASTBALL AT

A CATCHER WITH NO MITT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE TALKING

ABOUT.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP].

>> YO, SORRY.

I FORGOT TO COUNT.

>> NOT MINE.

I TIED RED AROUND MINE.

>> THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.

>> AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR

THIS.

>> I'M JUST A LITTLE OLD LADY.

>> ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK, DOUBLE

OR NOTHING.

>> I AM SORRY.

>> THE OPPOSITE A HAPPY ENDING

BECAUSE IT ENDS IN A LAWSUIT AND

BLUE BALLS.

>> ONE MOMENT.

>> Tosh: NO.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, I AM.

>> Tosh: THAT'S FOR STEALING

GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S JOB.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE

IN THE REGISTER.

[BLEEP]

>> GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

>> GIVE ME THE [BLEEP] MONEY.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, SHOOT.

>> OH!

>> SO I'M ON MY WAY BACK TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> ENJOY THE RIDE.

>> NO!

>> OH, MY GOD I'M GONNA BARF.

>> Tosh: THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

HEY, THOSE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN

YOUR FAVORITE MOMENTS BUT THAT'S

WHAT MAKES THE SHOW SO SPECIAL.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

IT'S TIME FOR WHAT'S IN THE

BACKGROUND TRIPLE X-MASS

EDITION.

>> THOSE ARE NICE.

>> Tosh: HOW YOU GOING TO GET

YOUR TENNIS BALL IN THE ROLL OF

DUCT TAPE NOW?

SOMETHING ENJOYS ME LIKE WASTING

COMEDY CENTRAL'S MONEY.

SO WHEN I HEARD THERE WAS $1,240

LEFT IN THE BUT I CREATED THIS

MARVEL OF ENGINEERING.

I CALL IT THE RUDE GOLDBERG

NUTCRACKER.0.

IT TOOK ME ALL YEAR TO SET THIS

THING UP BY MYSELF.

HOPE IT WORKS.

MERLY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

[***]

[***]

[***]

>> Tosh: I TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE

NUTS IN MY COOKIES, GRANDMA.

YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS.

I HOPE YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP.

THAT NIGHT SHE DIED IN HER

SLEEP.

IT WAS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD YOUR CLIP FOR A VANCE

FOR THE WINNER.

>> DEAR SANTA INSTEAD OF

PRESENTS THIS YEAR ALL I'M

ASKING FOR IS PEACE ON EARTH.

KIRK JOHNSON.

DEAR SANTA, THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF

PRESENTS I'M JUST ASKING FOR AN

INCURABLE SEXUAL DISEASE.

IT NEED NOT BE ANY JUST MAKE MY

WEINER SMALLER, SANTA.

IN FACT MAKE IT EACH DAY SMALLER

THAN THE LAST.

>> Tosh: SANTA'S BEARD IS

LOOKING A LITTLE PATCHY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

JOHN BENJAMIN HAS THE VAN.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

FIRST ONE TO E-MAIL ME WHAT A

TURTLE BUG IS WINS A TRIP TO

QUEBEC.

COACH.

SAVOR THESE PLUGS BECAUSE

THEY'LL BE THE LAST FOR THIS

YEAR.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I

PROMISE TO WRITE SOMETHING

HILARIOUS MULTIPLE TIMES PER DAY

AND ON BRICKLEBERRY BOBBY DROWNS

A HOOKER.

AND I'LL TELL YOU MY PICKS FOR

THE BEST PRESENTS TO GIVE YOUR

LOVED ONES THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

FIRST IS THE HOTTEST TOY OF THE

YEAR.

IT'S CORNHOLE ME ELMO WITH A

REAL WORKING ANUS.

I WOULD HAVE PICTURED IT MORE

PINK.

AT LAST, AN ELMO KIDS CAN

[BLEEP] INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY

AROUND.

NEXT, NEVER TOO EARLY TO TEACH

YOUR BABY ABOUT THE FIRST

AMENDMENT AND FISHER PRICE AND

SMITH AND WESSON CREATED THE

FIRST HANDGUN.

IT FIRES GENUINE .22 CALIBER

BULLETS.

YOU CAN HAVE IT WHEN YOU PRY IT

FROM HIS WARM-NAPPING HANDS.

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO

WATCH YOU SHOWER THERE'S A BIG

SHOWER CURTAIN WITH MY FACE ON

IT.

AND THE BEST PART IT COMES WITH

A ROD THAT IS BENT IN THE

OPPOSITE DIRECTION SO IT'S

GUARANTEEED TO UNCOMFORTABLY

CLING TO YOUR BOD THROUGHOUT THE

CLEANSING PROCESS.

SOME OF THOSE MIGHT HAVE BEEN

MADE UP BUT THE LAST PRODUCT IS

100% REAL AND FOR ADULTS ONLY.

WHO AMONG US DOESN'T APPRECIATE

A YOUNGER TIGHTER VAGINA?

THAT'S WHY MY NUMBER ONE GIFT

THIS CHRISTMAS IS 18 AGAIN

VAGINAL SHRINK CREAM.

IT MAKES YOUR HOO-HA FEEL LIKE

NEW-HA.

I HAD A FEW STAFFERS TEST IT OUT

AND THEY SAID THEIR VAGINA FELT

CLOSER TO 16 BUT I THINK CALLING

IT 16 AGAIN IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

THE GOOD NEWS, EVERY

LOOSE-LIPPED SLUT IN THE STUDIO

AUDIENCE IS GOING HOME WAY TUBE

OF THEIR OWN.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HAVE FUN WATCHING A PRIEST

SLOWLY DIE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

GOOD NIGHT.