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>> NOW, NOW, OH, GOSH.
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OH, MY GOSH, IF HE EXECUTING
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THIS MANEUVER FROM IT TOP ROPE.
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HE JUST JACKED HIS JAW WITH THE
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FOREARM.
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WHAT IS THIS?
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WHAT IS IN?
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CHARADE'S GETTING ON THE TOP
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FLOOR IN THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT.
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HERE HE GOES.
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[APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: HIS NEXT OPPONENTS WILL
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SPEECH AND SIMPLE MOVEMENTS.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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TONIGHT OVER PRICED CONCERT IT
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WITH SEXY STUBBLE FEATURES THE
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MOST POETIC, SOCIALLY
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CONSCIENCE, INFLUENTIAL SOUND
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GROUP OF ALL TIME, MIAMI'S OWN 2
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LIVE CREW.
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[BLEEP] [BLEEP] KISS MY GODDAMN.
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THAT [BLEEP] CAN DO IT ALL.
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UNCLE LOU FOR PRESIDENT FOR
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2016.
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WE SACRIFICED A VIRGIN AND
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TAG-TEAMED A MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUO
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AND LOOK AT THIS AT THE START OF
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HIS PRESCRIPTION DRUG ABUSE.
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AND THE CROWD GOES COMPLETELY
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SILENT.
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PARALYZED PEOPLE ARE THE EASIEST
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TO FIX.
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DON'T WORRY.
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IT'S ALL FAKE.
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I'M SURE THIS UNDERGROUND
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WRESTLING LEAGUE OFFERS A RANGE
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OF COMPREHENSIVE HEALTH CARE
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OPTIONS.
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HERE HOW YOU ONE UP YOUR BUDDY
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WHO STAPLED HIS SCROTUM TO A
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TABLE.
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>> I'LL PUT A .9 MILLIMETER
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THROUGH MY BALL SACK.
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I CAN'T GET THE CAMERA ANGLE
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RIGHT.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY "TOSH.0" IS
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AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE YOUR
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NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR NUT SHOT
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VIDEO.
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IF HE GOT BALL BLOOD ON THE
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CARPET HE'S LOSING HIS DEPOSIT.
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>> CAN YOU SEE MY BALLS ON THE
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DESK?
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CAN YOU SEE IT?
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YES OR NO?
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OH MY GOD!
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>> I'M GOING TAKE TRUTH.
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>> I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL FOR
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MURDERING MILLIONS OF FUTURE
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BABIES.
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I SPEAK FOR THE LOADS OF
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EJECULATE WHO HAVE NO VOICE.
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YOU'RE TELLING ME SPERM'S NOT
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ALIVE?
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I'D LIKE YOU HEAR YOU EXPLAIN
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TADPOLES.
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TURNS OUT THE REASON BLACK
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PEOPLE NEVER BURN IS BECAUSE
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THEIR BODIES ARE FULL OF
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SUNSCREEN.
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>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
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>> Tosh: THAT REMINDS ME, I WANT
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TO GET MY NEPHEW A PLAY-DOH FUN
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FACTORY FOR CHRISTMAS.
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>> Tosh: IF ONLY THERE WAS A
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SIMPLER REMEDY THAN WATCHING
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YOUR FACE ONCE IN A WHILE.
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>> THAT'S SO WEIRD.
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>> Tosh: DON'T THROW THAT AWAY.
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IT'S GREAT FOR GREASING MUFFIN
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TINS.
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>> IT'S WEIRD.
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>> Tosh: STOP SAYING IT'S WEIRD.
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IT'S [BLEEP]ING DISGUSTING.
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IT MAYBE THE MOST DISGUSTING
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THING WE'VE HAD ON THE SHOW.
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YOU KNOW WHAT MAY BE MORE
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DISGUSTING.
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PETA.
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>> WHAT IS THIS WHITE BEAN
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HUMMUS?
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>> PETA'S ARE THE OXY PADS OF
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THE MEDITERRANEAN.
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THIS GUY IS LITTLE BUT HE HATES
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AMERICA TWICE AS MUCH.
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SLID THE WAR ON TERROR SEEMS A
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TINY BIT MORE WINNABLE.
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HARD TO FEAR SOMEONE WHO CAN'T
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RIDE A ROLLER COASTER.
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HE HAS THE CUTEST LITTLE SUICIDE
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BOMBER VEST.
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REMEMBER WHEN AL-QAEDA HIJACKED
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SANTA'S SLEIGH AND FLEW IT INTO
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THE NORTH POLE.
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12/25.
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NEVER FORGET.
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THINK A WORD PROBLEM CAME TO
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LIGHT ON THE NEXT LADY'S DECK.
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>> I KEEP HEARING THESE CALLS
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FOR ME.
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OPEN MY DOOR.
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OH.
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MR. EAGLE KEEPS CALL MEG.
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CALLING ME.
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AND THEN A FOX.
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>> I WARNED HER NOT TO PLAY
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JUMANJI.
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GO BACK INSIDE SO THEY TALK TO
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EACH OTHER INHUMAN VOICES.
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>> WANT TO COME IN TOO?
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>> Tosh: DON'T ASK QUESTION JUST
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START BUILDING THE ARK.
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HOW SCARY TO THINK THAT WOMAN
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WAS ALMOST VICE PRESIDENT.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE
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BOY.
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DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE BOY.
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DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE BOY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> OH, MY GOD THIS IS THE
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FUNNIEST FIGHT EVER.
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>> Tosh: CLEARLY SHE'S FORGOTTEN
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WHEN MANUTE BOL WENT TOE TO TOE
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IN BOXING AND FIND OUT WHY YOU
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NEVER TAKE ON SOMEBODY FROM
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WALKED FROM THE SUDAN.
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WE'RE AT THE INTERSECTION OF
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SOMETHING TO PROVE AND NOTHING
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TO LOSE.
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CAN HE KICK IT?
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YES, HE CAN.
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>> OH, MY GOD!
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>> GOD HAS BEEN IGNORING THAT
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PART OF TOWN FOR YEARS.
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>> OH, ANY GOD.
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>> Tosh: LADY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
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TO YELL WHEN YOU GO TO THE
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MOVIES NOT FILMING THEM.
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ANOTHER SPORTING EVENT RUINED BY
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A WOMAN SIDELINE REPORTER.
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DON'T ENCOURAGE THE BEATING.
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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>> I GUESS BEING ON NEIGHBORHOOD
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WATCH MEANS YOU STAND AROUND AND
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WATCH YOUR NEIGHBOR GET THE
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[BLEEP] POUNDED OUT OF THEM.
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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>> I THINK WE CAN TURN A BLIND
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EYE TO THE CAR BEING BARROWED.
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THANK YOU FOR THE CONTENT BACK
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WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION BUT
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FIRST CLICK IT OR TICKET.
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>> YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO
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WEAR A SEAT BELT.
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BUT YOUR DAMN SEAT BELT ON.
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PULL IT OVER.
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PULL OVER.
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PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!
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PULL OVER!
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PULL YOUR ASS OVER.
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PULL IT OVER.
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PULL OVER!
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PULL YOUR VEHICLE OVER YOU
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UNDERSTAND ME?
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NOW.
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WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
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ARE?
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PULL OVER.
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>> I AM SO DEAD SET ON LOSING MY
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VIRGINITY.
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I WILL LOSE MY VIRGINITY BEFORE
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I'M 40 YEARS OLD.
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I'LL SO WORK ON MY PHYSICAL
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ABILITIES.
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THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE
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MYSELF KNOWN TO HAVE FUN.
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MILLER THE 36-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.
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>> Tosh: WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS
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LIGHT CANDLES AND GET BUBLE ON
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THE PANDORA AND CANDLES.
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IT FEELS AMAZING.
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THAT MUSCULAR METAL MOUTH IS
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DONNELLY AND HE'S HAVING A HARD
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TIME FINDING A LADY WHO SHARED
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HIS PASSION FOR CONSECUTIVE
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FRONT FLIPS.
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SO WHAT IF HE NEVER POPPED ANY
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CHERRIES.
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I'M SURE HE'S HAD SOME STUCK IN
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HIS BRACES.
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BEING A VIRGIN IS NOTHING TO BE
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ASHAMED OF.
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IN FACT IT WILL MAKE YOU MORE
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VALUABLE IF YOU'RE EVER
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KIDNAPPED AND FORCED INTO SEX
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SLAVERY.
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SOME OF THE MOST RESPECTED
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CELEBRITIES ARE VIRGINS, TIM
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TEBOW, LOLO JONES, HONEY BOO
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BOO.
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PRIESTS DON'T HAVE SEX AND LOOK
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HOW WELL ADJUSTED THEY ARE.
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REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU MAKE
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LOVE THERE'S NO CHANCE OF
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PREGNANCY SO GO RAW AND IT'S NOT
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PREMARITAL SEX IF YOU DON'T PLAN
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ON MARRYING THEM.
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IF YOU'RE UGLY IT'S EASY, IF
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YOUR HOT IT'S HARDER WHICH IS
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WHY GOD INVENTED ASS PLAY.
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YOUR POOP HOLE IS NOT A
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LOOPHOLE.
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THAT'S SODOMY.
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DONNELLY NEEDS TO GET DEFLOWERED
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SOON AND I CANCELLED HIS
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ORTHODONTIST POINT AND BROUGHT
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HIM HERE FOR CALIFORNICATION.
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I SAID NO DOUBLE BOUNCING.
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HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
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TRAMPOLINING?
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IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED?
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>> YEAH, YOU CAN CALL IT
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TRAMPOLINING.
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>> Tosh: HAS ANYONE EVER DONE
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EIGHT FRONT FLIP IN A ROW.
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>> IT'S BEEN DONE.
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>> Tosh: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
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A VIRGIN?
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>> 37 YEARS.
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>> Tosh: YOU THINK THE PROBLEM
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IS YOU'RE HANGING OUT IN
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GYMNASIUMS WHERE THERE'S A BUNCH
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OF CHILDREN AROUND.
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>> THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE A
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SOLUTION RIGHT THERE.
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>> Tosh: HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED
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TO SAVE YOURSELF?
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>> FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, YEAH.
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>> Tosh: HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE
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WITH A WOMAN.
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>> HAVEN'T MADE IT TO FIRST
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BASE.
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>> Tosh: YOU NEVER KISSED A
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WOMAN?
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>> NEVER HAD MY FIRST KISS.
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>> Tosh: GET OVER HERE.
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THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?
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>> NO.
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>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON
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MASTURBATION?
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>> I DEFINITELY SOMETIMES HAVE
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TO RESORT TO IT ESPECIALLY AFTER
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00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,370
SEEING GOOD LOOKING WOMEN.
265
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,497
>> Tosh: WHEN YOU'RE A ROOKIE
266
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,170
LIKE YOURSELF YOU WANT TO SPEND
267
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:34,497
TIME ON FOREPLAY.
268
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:35,730
YOU WANT REAL ANSWERS AND I'M
269
00:10:35,733 --> 00:10:41,303
GOING TO GIVE THEM YOU, AN HOUR
270
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,300
AND KNOCK IT OFF.
271
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,900
DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HAVE GUY
272
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:46,970
NA.
273
00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:49,427
>> I KNOW THE BASIC PARTS.
274
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,103
>> Tosh: IT'S FOREFUN DOWN THERE
275
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,800
SHOVING THINGS IN THERE,
276
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,130
FINGERS, DOES LITTLE FOR THEM.
277
00:10:54,133 --> 00:10:57,273
THESE ARE THINGS WE'VE ALL DONE.
278
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,727
THAT GUY SPIT ON THE [BLEEP]
279
00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,073
BEFORE AND YOU WANT SEX FOR
280
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,267
MAYBE TWO MINUTES AND YOU'RE
281
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:01,627
DONE.
282
00:11:01,633 --> 00:11:02,573
SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.
283
00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:03,527
WHAT DO YOU DO?
284
00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:04,733
YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
285
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:05,903
YOU GO IN THERE STRONG.
286
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,500
GET IT ON YOUR FACE LIKE WAR
287
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,530
PAINT.
288
00:11:10,533 --> 00:11:11,873
WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE SEX FEELS
289
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:12,397
LIKE?
290
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,070
>> I IMAGINE IF FEELS PRETTY
291
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:17,767
GOOD
292
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,367
>> Tosh: AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER,
293
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:19,667
SHAME.
294
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:23,067
IT'S AMAZING YOU LIKE THE PERSON
295
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,067
LYING NEXT TO YOU TEN MINUTES
296
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,427
AGO AND NOW YOU CAN WATCH HER
297
00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:27,703
GET HIT BY A BUS AND NOTHING
298
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,070
WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.
299
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,397
THAT'S WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE.
300
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,600
DONNELLY YOU NEED TO MAN UP IF
301
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,170
YOU'RE EVER GO TO POP THAT PENIS
302
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,597
CHERRY AND ONLY ONE PLACE TO
303
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,630
MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.
304
00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:38,933
THE MAN SHOW.
305
00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:43,233
>> WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND ADAM
306
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:43,903
CAROLLA.
307
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,900
>> NO THE CLASSIC VERSION.
308
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:48,730
>> COMEDY CENTRAL REFUSES TO PUT
309
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:54,233
IT ON TELEVISION.
310
00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:56,833
>> WELCOME BACK TO THE MAN SHOW.
311
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,703
I'M JOE ROGAN.
312
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:03,800
>> WHERE'S THE GUY WITH THE
313
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:04,700
PIANO?
314
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:05,630
>> HE'S DEAD.
315
00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:07,603
>> SO 37 YEARS OLD AND YOUR
316
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:08,370
STILL FULL.
317
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,967
WHAT'S BEEN THE PROBLEM?
318
00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:14,067
>> THE PROBLEM IS I'VE HAD VERY
319
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,197
FEW OPPORTUNITIES TO GO OUT AND
320
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,200
MEET THE ONE.
321
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,700
>> WHERE ARE YOU BEEN LOOKING?
322
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,430
>> I DO A BUNCH OF MARATHON
323
00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:20,073
RUNNING.
324
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,897
>> IT'S HARD TO KEEP A
325
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:23,900
CONVERSATION GOING.
326
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,100
>> SOUNDS LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR
327
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:25,730
THE ONE.
328
00:12:25,733 --> 00:12:28,273
>> YOU DON'T NEED TO BE MARRIED.
329
00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,067
>> IT'S NICE UNLESS YOU'RE IN A
330
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,067
MARRIAGE WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE
331
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:32,497
SEX.
332
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:35,470
>> HOW OFTEN USUALLY HAVE SEX.
333
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:39,927
>> MOST PEOPLE GET SICK OF EACH
334
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:40,433
OTHER.
335
00:12:40,433 --> 00:12:42,333
>> WHAT DO YOU JERK OFF TO?
336
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:48,733
YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE
337
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:49,833
PRE-PUBESCENT STAGE WHERE YOU
338
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:51,933
JERK OFF TO GO DADDY
339
00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:52,533
COMMERCIALS.
340
00:12:52,533 --> 00:12:54,073
>> ISN'T IT ODD HEALTH PROBLEMS.
341
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,727
>> IT DOES.
342
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,173
>> WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND.
343
00:12:58,167 --> 00:12:59,767
IMAGINE IF YOU CAUGHT AIDS THE
344
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:00,797
FIRST TIME.
345
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,300
IT'S LIKE AND ALANIS MORISSETTE
346
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:03,730
SONG.
347
00:13:03,733 --> 00:13:05,203
>> I THINK YOUR ISSUE IS SOCIAL
348
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,400
AND HAS TO DO WITH FRIENDSHIP.
349
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,270
>> THOSE CHRISTIAN [BLEEP]S --
350
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,397
>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ECSTASY.
351
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,600
YOU'RE THROWING FASTBALLS AT A
352
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,730
CATCHER WITH NO MITT.
353
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:16,073
I'LL PUT YOU IN A SITUATION I
354
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,897
WAS ONCE IN BUT AS YOU JUST DONE
355
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,370
MUSHROOMS AND WANT TO DUMP A
356
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,397
LOAD BEFORE YOU START TRIPPING
357
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,330
SO YOU GO TO A WHORE HOUSE ON
358
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:31,733
SPINARD HIGHWAY CALLED THE
359
00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:33,773
RAVENITE AND YOU PICK ONE AND DO
360
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,827
YOU PICK MISSIONARY OR DOGGY
361
00:13:35,833 --> 00:13:36,333
STYLE.
362
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:37,603
>> DOGGY STYLE.
363
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,070
>> YOU'RE WRONG.
364
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,127
YOU'RE ON MUSHROOMS YOUR SENSES
365
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,633
ARE PEAKED.
366
00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:47,333
YOU CAN SMELL A FLY SMART AND IF
367
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:48,833
YOU'RE MAKING LOVE IS THE STINK
368
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:50,633
GOING TO GO UP OR TO THE SIDE?
369
00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:52,073
YOU WANT MISSIONARY.
370
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:54,927
YOU WANT YOUR FACE AWAY.
371
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:57,803
>> WE'RE AT THE WILTERN STUDIO
372
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,230
WITH JOEY DIAZ.
373
00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:03,473
>> WAS THAT SIX INCHES FLACCID
374
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,667
OR HARD?
375
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:07,697
>> I'M BACK HERE AND TITS ARE
376
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,500
OUT AND MY BEAVER'S ALL UNSHAVEN
377
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:11,430
AND OVERGROUND.
378
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,373
WHAT KIND OF MUSIC YOU GOING TO
379
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:13,767
PLAY?
380
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:14,697
>> DEPECHE MODE.
381
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:15,700
>> YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR
382
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,430
BONER.
383
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,133
>> YOU JUST GOT THROUGH BOXING
384
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,573
SO YOUR BONER GOES BACK.
385
00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:23,767
>> WOULD YOU DRINK DONKEY
386
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,567
[BLEEP] TO GET A LADY?
387
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:26,297
>> YES.
388
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,530
>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER HAVING SEX
389
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,133
WITH A MAN?
390
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,703
>> NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.
391
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:30,930
>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER A CHICK
392
00:14:30,933 --> 00:14:31,903
WITH A [BLEEP].
393
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:32,270
>> YEAH.
394
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:34,497
>> I WISH WE COULD FIND SOMEONE
395
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,800
TO BANG THIS GUY.
396
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:40,200
>> TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE GIRLS
397
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,630
JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES THAT ARE
398
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,833
ALSO GIGANTIC SLUTS.
399
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:53,973
>> THE JUGGIES!
400
00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:56,197
>> SEVEN ORGASMS IN A ROW!
401
00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,530
I TOLD YOU I'D LOSE MY
402
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,203
VIRGINITY.
403
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:01,730
WHOO!
404
00:15:01,733 --> 00:15:03,173
YEAH!
405
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:05,467
>> ALL RIGHT.
406
00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:06,497
CONGRATULATIONS, STUD, NOW LET'S
407
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:07,730
GET OUT OF HERE.
408
00:15:07,733 --> 00:15:10,533
IT'S GROSS WITH TWO DECADES OF
409
00:15:10,533 --> 00:15:17,373
JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES FOR
410
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:18,727
JUMPING.
411
00:15:18,733 --> 00:15:23,633
THANK YOU JENNIFER ANN STON FOR
412
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:28,073
LETS US USE THOSE FLAP JACKS AS
413
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:29,467
BODY DOUBLES.
414
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:30,597
>> IT'S COMING TOWARDS YOU.
415
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,100
[LAUGHTER]
416
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:39,070
>> THAT HURT.
417
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:39,667
[LAUGHTER]
418
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:48,967
>> OH, GOD.
419
00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:50,827
>> SEE IT BEHIND ME?
420
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:54,433
THAT'S MY MOM CINDY.
421
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:58,273
SEE I AM THAT NOT THAT UGLY
422
00:15:58,267 --> 00:16:00,867
LOOKING [BLEEP].
423
00:16:00,867 --> 00:16:03,667
>> YEAH, JUMP ON THE OTHER SIGN.
424
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,527
>> Tosh: SEEMS LIKE A NICE
425
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:06,073
FAMILY.
426
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:09,167
THAT LOVELY YOUNG LADY AND HER
427
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,197
MOM ARE TIRED OF PEOPLE ONLINE
428
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,970
CALLING THEM LIERS AND THEY SET
429
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,127
THE RECORD STRAIGHT WHICH I
430
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:16,503
ASSUME TAKES A LONG TIME WITH
431
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:18,500
THEIR DIAL-UP MODEM.
432
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,930
LET'S FIND OUT WHAT GOT THEM
433
00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:21,603
RILED UP.
434
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,870
JUST AHEAD, SHE HAS 30 BULLET
435
00:16:24,867 --> 00:16:26,327
POINTS, GET COMFY.
436
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:37,933
>> I AMPREGNANT WITH MY SON.
437
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:41,203
MY DAD DIED THREE WEEKS AGO
438
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,700
TOMORROW AT 6:18 A.M.
439
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:44,770
>> YEAH.
440
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:46,067
>> Tosh: REMEMBERING THE MINUTE
441
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:47,667
HE DIED IS SPECIFIC AND WHY ARE
442
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:48,727
YOU SHARING IT WITH US.
443
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,933
>> THIS IS NOT A WIG.
444
00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:52,703
IT'S REAL.
445
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,070
IF IT WAS A WIG IT WOULD COME
446
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,697
OFF RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
447
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,830
>> YEAH.
448
00:16:58,833 --> 00:17:02,773
>> MY SHIRT SAYS WHERE I LIVE.
449
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:04,327
>> CALM DOWN.
450
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:06,533
>> Tosh: I'M SURE MOUNT VERNON
451
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:07,603
WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU KEPT
452
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,800
THEIR NAME OUT OF THIS.
453
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,400
>> MY BROTHER, JACKSON AND
454
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,870
DANIEL, THEY'RE [BLEEP]ING DEAD
455
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,467
ALSO.
456
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,227
HE WAS MY TWIN AND DIED AT THREE
457
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,103
DAYS OLD OF SMALLPOX.
458
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,070
WE BOTH HAD IT.
459
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,127
HE DIED AND YOU SURVIVED.
460
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:24,303
MY BROTHER JACKSON DIED AT THE
461
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:25,400
AGE OF 27.
462
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,770
>> IN A CAR WRECK.
463
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:31,067
>> Tosh: SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
464
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:31,627
--S.
465
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,273
NO ONE HAS DIED OF SMALLPOX IN
466
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:36,427
THIS COUNTRY SINCE THE 1800s.
467
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:42,403
>> AND MAY AUNT DONNA AND
468
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,200
MARGARET AND PICTURES OF THEM
469
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,130
THEY'RE DEAD ALSO.
470
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:46,073
I SHOULD KNOW.
471
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:47,597
I WAS IN THE ROOM WHEN THEY
472
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,170
DIED.
473
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,127
>> AND I TOO.
474
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:51,973
>> Tosh: I'M STARTING TO WONDER
475
00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,667
IF YOU'RE THE ONES KILLING
476
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:54,227
EVERYONE.
477
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:56,573
>> BY THE WAY SHE DOES WORK
478
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:57,167
[BLEEP].
479
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:58,067
SHE HAS ONE NOW.
480
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,897
I DON'T HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW.
481
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,100
>> Tosh: WE NEED TO WRAP THIS UP
482
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:09,300
BEFORE CINDY WHIPS OUT HER
483
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:09,970
BUTTHOLE.
484
00:18:09,967 --> 00:18:14,397
SMOG MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN TO
485
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,330
SEE COMEDIANS SUCCEED, PLEASE
486
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:21,803
WELCOME JEROD CARMICHAEL.
487
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,930
>> THANK YOU, GUYS.
488
00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:23,333
THANK YOU.
489
00:18:23,333 --> 00:18:24,203
I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
490
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,700
I FINALLY FOUND A GIRL WHO
491
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:28,070
SWALLOWS.
492
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,127
BUT SHE'S BULIMIC SO IT DOESN'T
493
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:30,873
COUNT.
494
00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:31,527
THANK YOU, GUYS.
495
00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:34,233
THANK YOU.
496
00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:38,533
>> Tosh: THANK YOU, JEROD.
497
00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:40,303
WISH WE HAD MORE TIME.
498
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:46,830
HOPE TO HAVE YOU BACK SOON.
499
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:50,503
SEE HIM AT THE COMEDY MAGICAL
500
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,070
CLUB.
501
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,697
VARIETY NAMED HIM AS ONE OF THE
502
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,800
TOP TEN COMEDIANS TO WATCH.
503
00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:08,230
HIS NAME IS AT NOTORIOUS JEROD.
504
00:19:08,233 --> 00:19:09,803
HE'S A SERIES REGULAR ON FOX.
505
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,500
I'M TOLD HE PASSED ON THE NEW
506
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:12,100
GIRL.
507
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:15,330
THAT'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA ANYWAY.
508
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:16,333
SOLID MOVE.
509
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:19,073
A MEETING AT THE SONY LOT WENT
510
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:19,627
WELL.
511
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:20,773
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT TOO.
512
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:22,167
BACK WITH MORE OF THE MAN SHOW
513
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:31,767
WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND ADAM
514
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:33,667
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK LOCAL
515
00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:35,627
AFFILIATES TUNE IN FOR OUR BIG
516
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:36,773
SEASON FOUR FINALE.
517
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,367
IT WILL BE A VERY EMOTIONAL
518
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:38,797
EPISODE.
519
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,970
NOW I HATE THE INTERNET WITH A
520
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,067
PASSION AND THEY PAY PEOPLE TO
521
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:48,267
LOOK AT IT FOR ME AND TELL ME
522
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:50,467
THE LIP VIDEOS ARE A HOOT.
523
00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:54,097
>> MOUSES HAVE WIWIS?
524
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,200
>> DUDE, DON'T SPIT.
525
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:59,870
>> OKAY.
526
00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:00,397
YIKES.
527
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,270
>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I HIRED THAT
528
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,767
DUDE TO LIP ANYBODY REST OF THE
529
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,667
SHOW STARTING NOW.
530
00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:07,627
>> I FOUND A PINK OCEAN WHALE.
531
00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:09,903
>> THEY DO IT TO THE LOUNGE
532
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,330
WORKER BECAUSE DONKEY PEOPLE GET
533
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:13,673
HOLD OF YOU AND STAB YOU AND IF
534
00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:15,127
YOU MAKE EGGS AND RICE I'LL YOU
535
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:16,973
Y'ALL COME OVER.
536
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:21,097
>> THEY GAVE ME A PURPLE HEART.
537
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:22,800
IT CAN WRINKLE A BUNNY.
538
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,170
>> I GOT GOLDEN TEETH AND THAT'S
539
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:27,967
BECAUSE I OWN FIFI THE BANANA
540
00:20:27,967 --> 00:20:28,267
RAT.
541
00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:32,067
ALL RIGHT.
542
00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:36,297
>> POTATOS.
543
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,600
I PEE PEE WHEN I TAKE A BATH.
544
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,430
THAT'S A BLACK GIRL'S NAME.
545
00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:41,633
A CHEATING BLACK GIRL.
546
00:20:41,633 --> 00:20:44,773
>>I CAN'T BE A BUNNY WITH A
547
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:46,297
FAST-WALKING TUNA PUSHER.
548
00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,530
>> I HOPE YOU KNOCK THOSE SHOES
549
00:20:47,533 --> 00:20:51,073
OFF AND ADMIT THE PROBLEM,
550
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:51,597
PLAYER.
551
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,500
>> I CAN ONLY FEED JOEY THE FAT
552
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,200
CORNERISH STUDENT WITH ACID.
553
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,130
CAN'T WASTE TIME TO FIX A BIG
554
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,303
OLD MEXICAN BURGER.
555
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,970
LET'S GET A GOOD HAPPY SODA AND
556
00:21:03,967 --> 00:21:05,167
SCREAM, LORD.
557
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,497
THAT'S A KARATE BLADE.
558
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,730
STIFFER THAN STIFF CANDY.
559
00:21:08,733 --> 00:21:11,903
CRAZY.
560
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:16,430
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
561
00:21:16,433 --> 00:21:18,233
>> WHAT'S THE BEST PLACE TO MEET
562
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:18,833
WOMAN?
563
00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:23,403
>> I WOULD SAY A RAFTING
564
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:23,930
VENTURE.
565
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,703
>> Tosh: I WOULD A BAR.
35065
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