Original subtitles

>> NOW, NOW, OH, GOSH.

OH, MY GOSH, IF HE EXECUTING

THIS MANEUVER FROM IT TOP ROPE.

HE JUST JACKED HIS JAW WITH THE

FOREARM.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS IN?

CHARADE'S GETTING ON THE TOP

FLOOR IN THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT.

HERE HE GOES.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: HIS NEXT OPPONENTS WILL

SPEECH AND SIMPLE MOVEMENTS.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

TONIGHT OVER PRICED CONCERT IT

WITH SEXY STUBBLE FEATURES THE

MOST POETIC, SOCIALLY

CONSCIENCE, INFLUENTIAL SOUND

GROUP OF ALL TIME, MIAMI'S OWN 2

LIVE CREW.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] KISS MY GODDAMN.

THAT [BLEEP] CAN DO IT ALL.

UNCLE LOU FOR PRESIDENT FOR

2016.

WE SACRIFICED A VIRGIN AND

TAG-TEAMED A MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUO

AND LOOK AT THIS AT THE START OF

HIS PRESCRIPTION DRUG ABUSE.

AND THE CROWD GOES COMPLETELY

SILENT.

PARALYZED PEOPLE ARE THE EASIEST

TO FIX.

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S ALL FAKE.

I'M SURE THIS UNDERGROUND

WRESTLING LEAGUE OFFERS A RANGE

OF COMPREHENSIVE HEALTH CARE

OPTIONS.

HERE HOW YOU ONE UP YOUR BUDDY

WHO STAPLED HIS SCROTUM TO A

TABLE.

>> I'LL PUT A .9 MILLIMETER

THROUGH MY BALL SACK.

I CAN'T GET THE CAMERA ANGLE

RIGHT.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY "TOSH.0" IS

AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE YOUR

NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR NUT SHOT

VIDEO.

IF HE GOT BALL BLOOD ON THE

CARPET HE'S LOSING HIS DEPOSIT.

>> CAN YOU SEE MY BALLS ON THE

DESK?

CAN YOU SEE IT?

YES OR NO?

OH MY GOD!

>> I'M GOING TAKE TRUTH.

>> I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL FOR

MURDERING MILLIONS OF FUTURE

BABIES.

I SPEAK FOR THE LOADS OF

EJECULATE WHO HAVE NO VOICE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME SPERM'S NOT

ALIVE?

I'D LIKE YOU HEAR YOU EXPLAIN

TADPOLES.

TURNS OUT THE REASON BLACK

PEOPLE NEVER BURN IS BECAUSE

THEIR BODIES ARE FULL OF

SUNSCREEN.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

>> Tosh: THAT REMINDS ME, I WANT

TO GET MY NEPHEW A PLAY-DOH FUN

FACTORY FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> Tosh: IF ONLY THERE WAS A

SIMPLER REMEDY THAN WATCHING

YOUR FACE ONCE IN A WHILE.

>> THAT'S SO WEIRD.

>> Tosh: DON'T THROW THAT AWAY.

IT'S GREAT FOR GREASING MUFFIN

TINS.

>> IT'S WEIRD.

>> Tosh: STOP SAYING IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S [BLEEP]ING DISGUSTING.

IT MAYBE THE MOST DISGUSTING

THING WE'VE HAD ON THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAY BE MORE

DISGUSTING.

PETA.

>> WHAT IS THIS WHITE BEAN

HUMMUS?

>> PETA'S ARE THE OXY PADS OF

THE MEDITERRANEAN.

THIS GUY IS LITTLE BUT HE HATES

AMERICA TWICE AS MUCH.

SLID THE WAR ON TERROR SEEMS A

TINY BIT MORE WINNABLE.

HARD TO FEAR SOMEONE WHO CAN'T

RIDE A ROLLER COASTER.

HE HAS THE CUTEST LITTLE SUICIDE

BOMBER VEST.

REMEMBER WHEN AL-QAEDA HIJACKED

SANTA'S SLEIGH AND FLEW IT INTO

THE NORTH POLE.

12/25.

NEVER FORGET.

THINK A WORD PROBLEM CAME TO

LIGHT ON THE NEXT LADY'S DECK.

>> I KEEP HEARING THESE CALLS

FOR ME.

OPEN MY DOOR.

OH.

MR. EAGLE KEEPS CALL MEG.

CALLING ME.

AND THEN A FOX.

>> I WARNED HER NOT TO PLAY

JUMANJI.

GO BACK INSIDE SO THEY TALK TO

EACH OTHER INHUMAN VOICES.

>> WANT TO COME IN TOO?

>> Tosh: DON'T ASK QUESTION JUST

START BUILDING THE ARK.

HOW SCARY TO THINK THAT WOMAN

WAS ALMOST VICE PRESIDENT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE

BOY.

DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE BOY.

DON'T WALK UP ON ME LITTLE BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, MY GOD THIS IS THE

FUNNIEST FIGHT EVER.

>> Tosh: CLEARLY SHE'S FORGOTTEN

WHEN MANUTE BOL WENT TOE TO TOE

IN BOXING AND FIND OUT WHY YOU

NEVER TAKE ON SOMEBODY FROM

WALKED FROM THE SUDAN.

WE'RE AT THE INTERSECTION OF

SOMETHING TO PROVE AND NOTHING

TO LOSE.

CAN HE KICK IT?

YES, HE CAN.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> GOD HAS BEEN IGNORING THAT

PART OF TOWN FOR YEARS.

>> OH, ANY GOD.

>> Tosh: LADY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO YELL WHEN YOU GO TO THE

MOVIES NOT FILMING THEM.

ANOTHER SPORTING EVENT RUINED BY

A WOMAN SIDELINE REPORTER.

DON'T ENCOURAGE THE BEATING.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I GUESS BEING ON NEIGHBORHOOD

WATCH MEANS YOU STAND AROUND AND

WATCH YOUR NEIGHBOR GET THE

[BLEEP] POUNDED OUT OF THEM.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I THINK WE CAN TURN A BLIND

EYE TO THE CAR BEING BARROWED.

THANK YOU FOR THE CONTENT BACK

WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION BUT

FIRST CLICK IT OR TICKET.

>> YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO

WEAR A SEAT BELT.

BUT YOUR DAMN SEAT BELT ON.

PULL IT OVER.

PULL OVER.

PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!

PULL OVER!

PULL YOUR ASS OVER.

PULL IT OVER.

PULL OVER!

PULL YOUR VEHICLE OVER YOU

UNDERSTAND ME?

NOW.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU

ARE?

PULL OVER.

>> I AM SO DEAD SET ON LOSING MY

VIRGINITY.

I WILL LOSE MY VIRGINITY BEFORE

I'M 40 YEARS OLD.

I'LL SO WORK ON MY PHYSICAL

ABILITIES.

THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE

MYSELF KNOWN TO HAVE FUN.

MILLER THE 36-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

>> Tosh: WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS

LIGHT CANDLES AND GET BUBLE ON

THE PANDORA AND CANDLES.

IT FEELS AMAZING.

THAT MUSCULAR METAL MOUTH IS

DONNELLY AND HE'S HAVING A HARD

TIME FINDING A LADY WHO SHARED

HIS PASSION FOR CONSECUTIVE

FRONT FLIPS.

SO WHAT IF HE NEVER POPPED ANY

CHERRIES.

I'M SURE HE'S HAD SOME STUCK IN

HIS BRACES.

BEING A VIRGIN IS NOTHING TO BE

ASHAMED OF.

IN FACT IT WILL MAKE YOU MORE

VALUABLE IF YOU'RE EVER

KIDNAPPED AND FORCED INTO SEX

SLAVERY.

SOME OF THE MOST RESPECTED

CELEBRITIES ARE VIRGINS, TIM

TEBOW, LOLO JONES, HONEY BOO

BOO.

PRIESTS DON'T HAVE SEX AND LOOK

HOW WELL ADJUSTED THEY ARE.

REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU MAKE

LOVE THERE'S NO CHANCE OF

PREGNANCY SO GO RAW AND IT'S NOT

PREMARITAL SEX IF YOU DON'T PLAN

ON MARRYING THEM.

IF YOU'RE UGLY IT'S EASY, IF

YOUR HOT IT'S HARDER WHICH IS

WHY GOD INVENTED ASS PLAY.

YOUR POOP HOLE IS NOT A

LOOPHOLE.

THAT'S SODOMY.

DONNELLY NEEDS TO GET DEFLOWERED

SOON AND I CANCELLED HIS

ORTHODONTIST POINT AND BROUGHT

HIM HERE FOR CALIFORNICATION.

I SAID NO DOUBLE BOUNCING.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

TRAMPOLINING?

IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED?

>> YEAH, YOU CAN CALL IT

TRAMPOLINING.

>> Tosh: HAS ANYONE EVER DONE

EIGHT FRONT FLIP IN A ROW.

>> IT'S BEEN DONE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

A VIRGIN?

>> 37 YEARS.

>> Tosh: YOU THINK THE PROBLEM

IS YOU'RE HANGING OUT IN

GYMNASIUMS WHERE THERE'S A BUNCH

OF CHILDREN AROUND.

>> THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE A

SOLUTION RIGHT THERE.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED

TO SAVE YOURSELF?

>> FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, YEAH.

>> Tosh: HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE

WITH A WOMAN.

>> HAVEN'T MADE IT TO FIRST

BASE.

>> Tosh: YOU NEVER KISSED A

WOMAN?

>> NEVER HAD MY FIRST KISS.

>> Tosh: GET OVER HERE.

THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON

MASTURBATION?

>> I DEFINITELY SOMETIMES HAVE

TO RESORT TO IT ESPECIALLY AFTER

SEEING GOOD LOOKING WOMEN.

>> Tosh: WHEN YOU'RE A ROOKIE

LIKE YOURSELF YOU WANT TO SPEND

TIME ON FOREPLAY.

YOU WANT REAL ANSWERS AND I'M

GOING TO GIVE THEM YOU, AN HOUR

AND KNOCK IT OFF.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HAVE GUY

NA.

>> I KNOW THE BASIC PARTS.

>> Tosh: IT'S FOREFUN DOWN THERE

SHOVING THINGS IN THERE,

FINGERS, DOES LITTLE FOR THEM.

THESE ARE THINGS WE'VE ALL DONE.

THAT GUY SPIT ON THE [BLEEP]

BEFORE AND YOU WANT SEX FOR

MAYBE TWO MINUTES AND YOU'RE

DONE.

SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU GO IN THERE STRONG.

GET IT ON YOUR FACE LIKE WAR

PAINT.

WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE SEX FEELS

LIKE?

>> I IMAGINE IF FEELS PRETTY

GOOD

>> Tosh: AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER,

SHAME.

IT'S AMAZING YOU LIKE THE PERSON

LYING NEXT TO YOU TEN MINUTES

AGO AND NOW YOU CAN WATCH HER

GET HIT BY A BUS AND NOTHING

WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

THAT'S WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE.

DONNELLY YOU NEED TO MAN UP IF

YOU'RE EVER GO TO POP THAT PENIS

CHERRY AND ONLY ONE PLACE TO

MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.

THE MAN SHOW.

>> WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND ADAM

CAROLLA.

>> NO THE CLASSIC VERSION.

>> COMEDY CENTRAL REFUSES TO PUT

IT ON TELEVISION.

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE MAN SHOW.

I'M JOE ROGAN.

>> WHERE'S THE GUY WITH THE

PIANO?

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> SO 37 YEARS OLD AND YOUR

STILL FULL.

WHAT'S BEEN THE PROBLEM?

>> THE PROBLEM IS I'VE HAD VERY

FEW OPPORTUNITIES TO GO OUT AND

MEET THE ONE.

>> WHERE ARE YOU BEEN LOOKING?

>> I DO A BUNCH OF MARATHON

RUNNING.

>> IT'S HARD TO KEEP A

CONVERSATION GOING.

>> SOUNDS LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR

THE ONE.

>> YOU DON'T NEED TO BE MARRIED.

>> IT'S NICE UNLESS YOU'RE IN A

MARRIAGE WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE

SEX.

>> HOW OFTEN USUALLY HAVE SEX.

>> MOST PEOPLE GET SICK OF EACH

OTHER.

>> WHAT DO YOU JERK OFF TO?

YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE

PRE-PUBESCENT STAGE WHERE YOU

JERK OFF TO GO DADDY

COMMERCIALS.

>> ISN'T IT ODD HEALTH PROBLEMS.

>> IT DOES.

>> WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND.

IMAGINE IF YOU CAUGHT AIDS THE

FIRST TIME.

IT'S LIKE AND ALANIS MORISSETTE

SONG.

>> I THINK YOUR ISSUE IS SOCIAL

AND HAS TO DO WITH FRIENDSHIP.

>> THOSE CHRISTIAN [BLEEP]S --

>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ECSTASY.

YOU'RE THROWING FASTBALLS AT A

CATCHER WITH NO MITT.

I'LL PUT YOU IN A SITUATION I

WAS ONCE IN BUT AS YOU JUST DONE

MUSHROOMS AND WANT TO DUMP A

LOAD BEFORE YOU START TRIPPING

SO YOU GO TO A WHORE HOUSE ON

SPINARD HIGHWAY CALLED THE

RAVENITE AND YOU PICK ONE AND DO

YOU PICK MISSIONARY OR DOGGY

STYLE.

>> DOGGY STYLE.

>> YOU'RE WRONG.

YOU'RE ON MUSHROOMS YOUR SENSES

ARE PEAKED.

YOU CAN SMELL A FLY SMART AND IF

YOU'RE MAKING LOVE IS THE STINK

GOING TO GO UP OR TO THE SIDE?

YOU WANT MISSIONARY.

YOU WANT YOUR FACE AWAY.

>> WE'RE AT THE WILTERN STUDIO

WITH JOEY DIAZ.

>> WAS THAT SIX INCHES FLACCID

OR HARD?

>> I'M BACK HERE AND TITS ARE

OUT AND MY BEAVER'S ALL UNSHAVEN

AND OVERGROUND.

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC YOU GOING TO

PLAY?

>> DEPECHE MODE.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR

BONER.

>> YOU JUST GOT THROUGH BOXING

SO YOUR BONER GOES BACK.

>> WOULD YOU DRINK DONKEY

[BLEEP] TO GET A LADY?

>> YES.

>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER HAVING SEX

WITH A MAN?

>> NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.

>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER A CHICK

WITH A [BLEEP].

>> YEAH.

>> I WISH WE COULD FIND SOMEONE

TO BANG THIS GUY.

>> TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE GIRLS

JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES THAT ARE

ALSO GIGANTIC SLUTS.

>> THE JUGGIES!

>> SEVEN ORGASMS IN A ROW!

I TOLD YOU I'D LOSE MY

VIRGINITY.

WHOO!

YEAH!

>> ALL RIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS, STUD, NOW LET'S

GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S GROSS WITH TWO DECADES OF

JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES FOR

JUMPING.

THANK YOU JENNIFER ANN STON FOR

LETS US USE THOSE FLAP JACKS AS

BODY DOUBLES.

>> IT'S COMING TOWARDS YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT HURT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, GOD.

>> SEE IT BEHIND ME?

THAT'S MY MOM CINDY.

SEE I AM THAT NOT THAT UGLY

LOOKING [BLEEP].

>> YEAH, JUMP ON THE OTHER SIGN.

>> Tosh: SEEMS LIKE A NICE

FAMILY.

THAT LOVELY YOUNG LADY AND HER

MOM ARE TIRED OF PEOPLE ONLINE

CALLING THEM LIERS AND THEY SET

THE RECORD STRAIGHT WHICH I

ASSUME TAKES A LONG TIME WITH

THEIR DIAL-UP MODEM.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT GOT THEM

RILED UP.

JUST AHEAD, SHE HAS 30 BULLET

POINTS, GET COMFY.

>> I AMPREGNANT WITH MY SON.

MY DAD DIED THREE WEEKS AGO

TOMORROW AT 6:18 A.M.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: REMEMBERING THE MINUTE

HE DIED IS SPECIFIC AND WHY ARE

YOU SHARING IT WITH US.

>> THIS IS NOT A WIG.

IT'S REAL.

IF IT WAS A WIG IT WOULD COME

OFF RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

>> YEAH.

>> MY SHIRT SAYS WHERE I LIVE.

>> CALM DOWN.

>> Tosh: I'M SURE MOUNT VERNON

WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU KEPT

THEIR NAME OUT OF THIS.

>> MY BROTHER, JACKSON AND

DANIEL, THEY'RE [BLEEP]ING DEAD

ALSO.

HE WAS MY TWIN AND DIED AT THREE

DAYS OLD OF SMALLPOX.

WE BOTH HAD IT.

HE DIED AND YOU SURVIVED.

MY BROTHER JACKSON DIED AT THE

AGE OF 27.

>> IN A CAR WRECK.

>> Tosh: SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

--S.

NO ONE HAS DIED OF SMALLPOX IN

THIS COUNTRY SINCE THE 1800s.

>> AND MAY AUNT DONNA AND

MARGARET AND PICTURES OF THEM

THEY'RE DEAD ALSO.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I WAS IN THE ROOM WHEN THEY

DIED.

>> AND I TOO.

>> Tosh: I'M STARTING TO WONDER

IF YOU'RE THE ONES KILLING

EVERYONE.

>> BY THE WAY SHE DOES WORK

[BLEEP].

SHE HAS ONE NOW.

I DON'T HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW.

>> Tosh: WE NEED TO WRAP THIS UP

BEFORE CINDY WHIPS OUT HER

BUTTHOLE.

SMOG MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN TO

SEE COMEDIANS SUCCEED, PLEASE

WELCOME JEROD CARMICHAEL.

>> THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

I FINALLY FOUND A GIRL WHO

SWALLOWS.

BUT SHE'S BULIMIC SO IT DOESN'T

COUNT.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU, JEROD.

WISH WE HAD MORE TIME.

HOPE TO HAVE YOU BACK SOON.

SEE HIM AT THE COMEDY MAGICAL

CLUB.

VARIETY NAMED HIM AS ONE OF THE

TOP TEN COMEDIANS TO WATCH.

HIS NAME IS AT NOTORIOUS JEROD.

HE'S A SERIES REGULAR ON FOX.

I'M TOLD HE PASSED ON THE NEW

GIRL.

THAT'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA ANYWAY.

SOLID MOVE.

A MEETING AT THE SONY LOT WENT

WELL.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT TOO.

BACK WITH MORE OF THE MAN SHOW

WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND ADAM

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK LOCAL

AFFILIATES TUNE IN FOR OUR BIG

SEASON FOUR FINALE.

IT WILL BE A VERY EMOTIONAL

EPISODE.

NOW I HATE THE INTERNET WITH A

PASSION AND THEY PAY PEOPLE TO

LOOK AT IT FOR ME AND TELL ME

THE LIP VIDEOS ARE A HOOT.

>> MOUSES HAVE WIWIS?

>> DUDE, DON'T SPIT.

>> OKAY.

YIKES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I HIRED THAT

DUDE TO LIP ANYBODY REST OF THE

SHOW STARTING NOW.

>> I FOUND A PINK OCEAN WHALE.

>> THEY DO IT TO THE LOUNGE

WORKER BECAUSE DONKEY PEOPLE GET

HOLD OF YOU AND STAB YOU AND IF

YOU MAKE EGGS AND RICE I'LL YOU

Y'ALL COME OVER.

>> THEY GAVE ME A PURPLE HEART.

IT CAN WRINKLE A BUNNY.

>> I GOT GOLDEN TEETH AND THAT'S

BECAUSE I OWN FIFI THE BANANA

RAT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> POTATOS.

I PEE PEE WHEN I TAKE A BATH.

THAT'S A BLACK GIRL'S NAME.

A CHEATING BLACK GIRL.

>>I CAN'T BE A BUNNY WITH A

FAST-WALKING TUNA PUSHER.

>> I HOPE YOU KNOCK THOSE SHOES

OFF AND ADMIT THE PROBLEM,

PLAYER.

>> I CAN ONLY FEED JOEY THE FAT

CORNERISH STUDENT WITH ACID.

CAN'T WASTE TIME TO FIX A BIG

OLD MEXICAN BURGER.

LET'S GET A GOOD HAPPY SODA AND

SCREAM, LORD.

THAT'S A KARATE BLADE.

STIFFER THAN STIFF CANDY.

CRAZY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT'S THE BEST PLACE TO MEET

WOMAN?

>> I WOULD SAY A RAFTING

VENTURE.

>> Tosh: I WOULD A BAR.