Original subtitles

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THERE IS A CHANCE THAT MADE

IT ALL THE WAY TO THE TOILET.

WELCOME TO TOSH.COM.

TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT

TEE WITH SEXY STUBBLE FEATURES

FORT FRANCES.

FORT FRANCES WAS ALSO THE

FIRST MILITARY OUTPOST THAT

ALLOWED COLORED TROOPS.

I DON'T LIKE USING THAT WORD.

BUT CONGRESS DID.

* SUMMERTIME *

>> FORT FRANCES?

NOT THE FRESH PRINCE.

THAT IS WHO WROTE THAT SONG.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE REDEEM

A CAB DRIVER WITH A BAD RAP.

I MAKE THE PEOPLE THAT HATE ME

THE MOST HATE ME MORE.

I HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER A

LITTLE EARLY.

NOW LET'S SEE IF THIS BODY

STARTED REJECTING BAGEL BITES

AGAIN.

HE DOES THAT EVERY HOUR ON THE

HOUR.

I'M SORRY GO.

AHEAD.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND?

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S SEE THE UP-SIDE OF

OWNING A TIE-DYED SHIRT ON A

PUKE-COLORED COUCH.

NO ONE NOTICES THE STAIN.

IS HE AT JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S

HOUSE?

THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY

ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE TO OWN A

PRINCE OF PERSIA POSTER.

OH.

THE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES?

THEY ARE NOT TEENAGERS

ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER)

COME ON.

A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION IS NO

LAUGHING MATTER.

(LAUGHTER)

ENOUGH WITH THE FLOPPING, PAUL

PIERCE.

IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO FOR A

COUPLE MORE WEEKS, THEY GET

INTO MISSIONARY.

CAUSE THEY'RE REALLY SLOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED

TO DO WHEN YOU SEE A TURTLE ON

ITS BACK?

FOR THE RECORD, IF YOU EVER

USED A WARP ZONE TO SKIP FROM

WORLD FOUR TWLOEFL TO WORLD

EIGHT LEVEL ONE, YOU ARE NOT A

REAL GAMER.

DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT

ABOUT YOU GAME GENIE USERS.

NOT SURE THEY HAVE AN ANSWER

FOR THIS NEXT GIRL IN THE

HALLS OF MEDICINE.

GOD BLESS YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS EHEAR THE SINUS

INFECTION OR WE TURNED ON A

PORN A SECOND TOO LATE.

HEY, AT LEAST SHE IS NOT

CRYING.

AM I RIGHT, DUDES?

THEY ARE ALWAYS CRYING.

SHE GIVES WETTEST BUTTERFLY

KISSES.

OH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> GO TO OUR BLOG TO FIND OUT

WHAT CAME OUT OF HER NIPPLES.

VERY TART.

I THINK I KNOW WHY AMERICAN

STUDENTS ARE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK

OF THE WORLD.

HE IS GETTING COCKY.

THAT IS THE CLASSIC POGO

NO-NO.

WELL, YOU FAILED SHOW AND

TELL.

(LAUGHTER)

HOPE ONE OF THE OTHER STUDENTS

BROUGHT A NEUROLOGIST.

PROBLEM UNLIKELY.

THAT SEEMS LIKE A SILLY THING

TO BRING.

SHOCKING THAT YOUR 50-YEAR-OLD

TOY IS DANGEROUS.

THAT IS A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

OKAY.

GOOD JOB.

HI, GUYS.

I BROUGHT IN MY BRAND NEW

ONE-NIGHT STAND BECCA.

>> BRIANNE.

>> I KNOW I'M TOO OLD TO BE IN

THAT CLASS.

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY MY DAD

WILL LET ME TAKE OVER HIS

HOTEL CHAIN.

YEAH, THAT IS A BILLY MADISON

REFERENCE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT

IT?

YOU ARE GOING TO SIT THERE AND

TAKE IT.

CALL THE ZOO.

I THINK GOD WANTS THIS NEXT

MAN DEAD.

ADD NECK INJURY TO THAT CHART.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND A BRAND NEW

SEGMENT CALLED RAPID FIRE.

THAT IS JUST A LITTLE TEST TO

DO TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE AREN'T

FAKING.

THIS ONE'S FOR REAL!

APRIL'S FOOL'S.

HE DIED IN THE AMBULANCE,

ACTUALLY.

CAREFUL.

WE STILL WANT TO HARVEST HIS

ORGANS.

LEAVE HIM THERE.

LET THE AUTOMATIC DOORS SLOWLY

FINISH THE JOB.

OFFICIAL CAUSE OF DEATH?

SLAPSTICK COMEDY GOLD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

BIG-ASS BONFIRE TAKE ONE.

WE NOTICE TAKE-ONE TARANTINO.

NOTHING IS BURNT YET.

NOW LET'S SHOW THE QUICKEST

WAY TO GET RID OF ALL YOUR

ROMNEY YARD SIGNS IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

IF THERE IS ONE THING COUNTRY

FOLK CAN DO IT IS LIGHT

(BLEEP) ON FIRE.

STUPID SEASON IS YEAR-ROUND IN

THE SOUTH.

I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION

THAT ISN'T PREMIUM.

WASTING GAS LIKE IT IS MADE OF

MONEY.

OR WHATEVER THEY USE FOR

CURRENCY THERE.

YOU GUYS OWN THE PELT SYSTEM?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SAVE SOME

FOR THE ATV'S.

>> FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO,

ONE!

>> YAY!

HE MADE IT FROM FIVE ONE WITH

ZERO MISTAKES.

WHO IS UNEDUCATED NOW YOU

MAN-KISSING YANKEES?

REDNECK NASA HAS COME A LONG

WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

BOMBS MAKE THE BEST KINDLING.

REMEMBER, ONLY (BLEEP) USE

DURAFLAME LOGS.

GOING TO BE TOUGH TO ENJOY

S'MORES WITH YOUR LIPS BURNED

OFF.

UP IN FLAMES.

JUST LIKE YOUR 2012 LOS

ANGELES LAKERS.

>> YOU OKAY?

>> YOU OKAY?

HE IS WEARING POLARIZED

OAKLEYS.

A CONFEDERATE FLAG AS A SCARF

AND A TANK TOP.

HE WASN'T OKAY TO BEGIN WITH.

>> HOLY (BLEEP).

>> I ASSUME HE IS ALIVE.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

WEB REDEMPTION.

FIRST, WHAT DO I MISS MOST

ABOUT LIVING IN SOUTH BEACH?

THAT IS EASY.

TOPLESS PORN CHICKS.

>> WOW, ALEX.

WHOA, YOU FELL OFF.

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I'M TAXI DAVE, I'M TAXI DAVE

IN MY BLACK AND YELLOW CAB.

NOW MY CAB LOOKS

UNAPPROACHABLE.

IT IS SAFE.

IT'S MEAN.

IT IS SUPER CLEAN.

YOU WANT TO RIDE WITH ME

BECAUSE I'M THE BIG CAT.

GOT TO GO NOW.

WHEN YOU ARE IN SAC-TOWN, GIVE

ME A CALL.

I'LL BE YOUR BEST RIDE EVER IN

DOWNTOWN SACRAMENTO.

>> YEAH.

I'M JUST GOING TO WALK.

IF YOU WANT TO COMBINE THE

THRILL OF DROPPING PEOPLE OFF

AT THE AIRPORT AND DRIVING A

CAB, THAT MIGHT BE THE

PROFESSION FOR YOU.

THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT

TAXIS.

THEY ARE OLD AND UGLY.

LIKE POLICE CARS.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THE

POLICE CARS WATCH YOU PICK UP

BLACK PEOPLE.

THE BEST THING ABOUT TAXIS IS

THEY SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLED

JIMMY FALLON'S MOVIE CAREER.

NOW HE IS FORCED TO PLAY

BEER-PONG WITH THE CAST OF THE

NEW NORMAL EVERY NIGHT.

MY FAVORITE SHOW ABOUT TAXIS

IS CASH CAB CONFESSIONS.

WHERE BEN BAILEY ASKS TRIVIA

QUESTIONS OF PASSENGERS THAT

ARE (BLEEP) IN THE BACK SEAT.

IT IS TRUE THAT TAXI DRIVERS

SMELL LIKE THEY ARE MOMENTS

AWAY FROM BLOWING UP A

BATHROOM.

PLEASE STOP TRYING TO CHAT

WITH ME.

HERE IS HOW THE RELATIONSHIP

SHOULD WORK.

YOU DRIVE.

I SIT IN THE BACK SEAT

CHECKING MY IPHONE TO MAKE

SURE YOU ARE NOT TAKING ME

SOMEPLACE TO BE MURDERED.

SORRY.

WE HAVE REAL MEDICINE HERE.

NOT POWDERS BLOWN THROUGH THE

SKULL OF A GOAT.

TAXI DAVE WAS TRYING TO STIR

UP MORE BUSINESS.

THAT IS WHY I HIRED HIM TO

DRIVE HIMSELF FROM THE WORST

N.B.A. CITY IN THE COUNTRY TO

L.A.

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

CABS HERE.

>> HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

>> YOU SEE THE HUNGER GAMES?

YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THE HUNGER

GAMES.

ALL RIGHT?

LET ME TELL YOU.

KIDS ARE FIGHTING.

THEY KILL EACH OTHER.

THEY SAID, HEY, THERE IS GOING

TO BE ONE WINNER.

THEY WENT, NOW WE CHANGED THE

RULES.

THEY CHANGED THE RULES.

THERE CAN BE TWO WINNERS NOW.

THEY DON'T KILL EACH OTHER.

THEY DON'T KILL EACH OTHER.

>> LOOK AT THIS.

>> LET'S GO!

>> GO WHERE?

IT IS ALL BACKED UP YOU MORON.

>> (BLEEP).

>> TAXI DAVE.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE A

FOREIGNER.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> YOU TRIED TO RESET THAT

METER.

I WILL GUT YOU, OLD WOMAN.

>> IS THIS OKAY?

THAT IS NOT GOOD.

>> TAXI DAVE YOUR REAL NAME?

>> MY NAME IS DAVE.

>> HOW LONG YOU BEEN GOING BY

TAXI GAVE.

>> THREE AND A HALF YEARS.

MY CUSTOMERS NAMED ME.

THAT.

>> EVER SEE PEOPLE HAVING SEX

IN THE BACK?

>> WHEN THEY START, I TELL

THEM, IF YOU DO THAT, YOU HAVE

TO SHARE.

>> YOU DON'T CARE WHICH ONE.

YOU A FAN OF SACRAMENTO AS A

CITY?

>> YES.

>> BEST CITY IN CALIFORNIA?

>> IT IS UP-AND-COMING.

>> YOU GAVE FLAT RATE FROM THE

AIRPORT TO ANY DOWNTOWN HOTEL.

>> OH, NO.

>> WHAT DOES THAT RUN YOU?

>> $35-$40.

>> WHAT IS A GOOD TIP ON THAT?

>> WITH ME, I PROVIDE

ENTERTAINMENT ALONG WITH THE

RIDE.

KARAOKE.

HAVING A GOOD TIME.

PARTY CAB.

>> WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU

THINK YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY?

>> PLAY SOME JOURNEY.

QUIET RIOT.

SOME QUEEN.

>> NO.

YOU ARE OFF!

YOU OLD DUMB (BLEEP)!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

OH.

HOW LONG YOU THINK YOU ARE

GOING TO DRIVE CAB?

>> I WANT TO WORK MY WAY OUT

OF THAT.

>> GET INTO WHAT?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO BECOME THE

NEW WEIRD AL YANK VICK.

>> DOING IT IN SHOW BUSINESS?

>> SURE.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD

EVER GIVE UP DRIVING.

DO YOU SHARE YOUR CAB WITH ONE

OTHER DRIVER?

>> NO.

I KEEP MY CAB 24-7.

>> YOU ARE NOT EVEN REGISTERED

IN.

>> NO.

I'M SELF-EMPLOYED.

>> THIS IS COMPLETELY ILLEGAL.

YOU PAINTED YOUR CAR YELLOW.

>> NO.

IT IS ALL LEGAL.

>> YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A

T-SHIRT AND A GALLON OF YELLOW

PAINT.

YOU HAVE BEEN RUNNING AMOK IN

SACRAMENTO.

IF SOMEBODY WANTS TO STOP AND

GET FOOD, AT A DRIVE-THROUGH

LATE AT NIGHT, IS IT POLITE TO

BUY YOU SOMETHING AS WELL?

>> I DON'T EXPECT IT.

BUT IT IS AWKWARD.

IT DEPENDS ON MY MOOD.

SOMETIMES I WILL SAY THANK YOU,

NO THANK YOU.

I HAVE A SANDWICH IN THE

TRUNK.

>> WHY DO YOU KEEP YOUR

SANDWICH IN THE SFLUNG.

>> BECAUSE I HAVE A COOLER IN

THERE TO KEEP IT COOL.

>> OKAY.

BEST TRIP.

>> YOU EVER TAKE ANY

POLITICIANS TO A WHORER HOUSE?

>> WHAT HAPPENS IN THE CAB

STAYS IN THE CAB.

>> IS THAT A REAL RULE?

>> YES.

>> YOU EVER GET GAS WITH A

CUSTOMER IN THE CAB.

>> IT IS USUALLY THE OTHER WAY

AROUND.

THE CUSTOMERS GET GAS.

THEY ARE BURPING.

IT IS FUNNY WATCHING CHICKS

BURP.

THEY ARE THE WORST.

>> YOU ARE NO WIZ KHLIFA.

* JUST WAKING UP IN THE FRONT

SEAT, ROLLING WINDOWS DOWN,

ALL YOU KNOW IS YOU HAVE TO

LOVE BACK-TOWN.

SWEATING IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT

IT WAS ON E.

TANK WAS FULL.

TOOK CARE OF ME.

ABOUT NOON, MY STOMACH IS IN A

KNOT.

THANK GOD THERE IS A LINE AT

THE SANDWICH SPOT.

CRAZY CHICK JUST CALLED SEND

HER NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR IS

HAVING A KID, SHE IS GOING

INTO LABOR. *

* I GOT NO CHANGE, HE SAID

KEEP THE TIP. *

* IF YOU WANT TO BE ON TIME,

NO TROUBLE.

KICK BACK.

SUPER SHUTTLE. *

THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP UP ABOVE

DIDN'T HURT MY MOOD.

IF YOU NEED A RIDE, SHOUT AND

WAVE, YOU BETTER BELIEVE TODAY

WAS A GOOD DAY *

* WITH A LITTLE HOTTY, I

HELPED HIDE THE BODY.

QUIT SMOKING ON THE CHRONIC,

DON'T TURN MY KEENS INTO THE

SUPERSONIC.

I GOT A GOOD EXCUSE SO I ONLY

GET A WARNING.

I GOTTA GO BECAUSE I GOT TO

MAKE A PIT STOP.

IF YOU NEED A RIDE, I CAN MAKE

THE FLAG DROP *

* HITTING THUMBS UP ON EVERY

SONG PANDORA PLAYS, I CAN'T

BELIEVE TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY *

>> WHO WOULD GUESS IN 2012 HE

HAS MORE STREET CREDIT THAN

ICE CUBE?

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

SHAME ON ME.

HIT ME IF THE FACE TWICE, AND

I'M GOING TO QUIT.

BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING MEAN.

>> LOOKING FOR SOME NICE

INCEST ROLE PLAY.

I RUN ACROSS MY GORGEOUS

GINGER AUNT.

LOOKING TO MAKE MY DIRTY

DREAMS A REALITY.

I'M UP FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE

ROMANTIC AND EMOTIONALLY

DEVELOPED.

>> DON'T JUDGE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR INCEST, WE

NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF

THE GARDEN OF EDEN.

THAT IS FROM REDDIT, A SITE

WHERE PEOPLE STEAL A BUNCH OF

STUFF FROM THIS SHOW, PUT IT

ON-LINE AND ACT LIKE THEY

FOUND IT FIRST.

THERE ARE THESE THINGS CALLED

SUBREDDITS WHERE FELLOW SOCIAL

OUTCASTS CAN GATHER TO TALK

ABOUT THEIR PASSIONS THAT KEEP

THEM FROM MAKING ANY REAL

FRIENDS.

FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S A GROUP

CALLED WTSSTADAMIT.

I CAN SEE HOW THIS CAN GET

SOMEONE AROUSED.

IN FACT, I'M THINKING OF BY

AING ON THIS BIT AND LOOKING

AT THESE PHOTOS FOR THE REST

OF THE SHOW.

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE

THAT.

I THINK MY PHONE WAS HACKED.

NEXT UP IS PICTURES OF IAN

SLEEPING.

FULL OF NOTHING OF PICTURES OF

THIS DUDE NAMED IAN.

SLEEPING.

HERE HE IS SOUND ASLEEP IN

CLASS.

NOT GOING TO LEARN THAT WAY,

BUDDY.

HERE HE IS SLEEPING WITH HIS

GIRLFRIEND FACE-TO-FACE.

BREATHING IN EACH OTHER'S

MOUTHS.

THAT IS GROSS.

WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE ONE

PILLOW?

WHY ARE YOU SHOVED INTO THE

CORNER?

I GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

I WOULD MAKE HER TAKE THE

INSIDE SECTION THERE.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OUT!

BELIEVE ME, IT IS EVEN MORE

MIND-BLOWING IN PERSON.

(LAUGHTER)

IAN WILL SLEEP THROUGH

ANYTHING.

MOVING ON.

NEXT IS CALLED GGGGG.

ARE THESE THINGS WITH PICTURES

OF G'S IN IT?

DING, DING, DING.

MAKES YOU APPRECIATE THE

LETTER G.

GEE WHIZ.

THAT IS A LOT OF G'S.

ALL RIGHT.

FOR MEN WHO ENJOY MY LITTLE

PONY.

THE COMMUNITY MADE UP OF GUYS

WHO CAN'T WAIT TO WHACK IT TO

EXPLICIT PICS.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

FRIENDSHIP MAGIC.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

MORE STRIP MALL.

WELCOME BACK.

HEY, MACY'S THANKSGIVING

PARADE, HERE IS SOME ADVICE.

LOSE THE BALLOONS.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, BUSTER

HYMEN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

>> I AM SO DEAD-SET ON LOSING

MY VIRGINITY.

>> SOME LUCKY LADY IS GOING TO

HAVE THAT BEAR TRAP OF A MOUTH

ON OVER HER DELICATES.

ONLY A FEW MORE WEEKS OF

FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER BEFORE

I LEAVE SOCIAL MEDIA FOREVER.

CHECK OUT OUR BLOG FOR

EXCITING NEW TARGETED BANNER

ADS.

AND TONIGHT'S BRICKLEBERRY

SPOILER ALERT.

(BLEEP).

AND FINALLY, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THANKSGIVING CELEBRATES THE

TIME WE MURDERED A BUNCH OF

INDIANS AND TOOK THEIR LAND.

I MEAN, NATIVE-AMERICANS.

FOR MOST PEOPLE, IT IS LIKE

GATHERING WITH FRIENDS AND

FAMILY TO EAT THE SAME HUNGRY

MAN DINNER YOU ARE GOING TO

CHOKE DOWN IN A MONTH.

I CONNECTED WITH MY FANS ALL

AT ONCE IN THE LEAST INTIMATE

WAY POSSIBLE.

IN A CHAT ROOM.

FOR OUR FIRST EVER ANNUAL

NOSH.O. PRE-THANKSGIVING

VIRTUAL REALITY CYBER-SNACK.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE FOOD?

>> YES.

I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP

TALKING.

NICOLE?

>> HI.

>> WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

>> SPAGHETTI.

>> I HAVE A TURKEY SANDWICH

AND A GLASS OF GRAVY.

>> IS IT FROM PANERA?

>> NO.

>> WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?

>> FOR MY FAMILY AND THE FACT

THAT I HAVE ALL MY ARMS AND

LEGS.

>> THIS IS WORSE THAN MY

FAMILY DINNER.

MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL

FOR?

HOLY MALL.

>> I'M NOT COMING BACK,

MICHAEL.

>> I'M STAYING HOME SO I CAN

COME TO YOUR HOUSE.

>> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> I'M THANKFUL FOR THIS HERE.

>> CAN THAT GORILLA DO ANY

TRICKS?

HE KNOWS SIGN LANGUAGE.

>> I'M THANKFUL FOR YOU AND

MALLOY.

>> F YOU ASS-KISSER.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

HERE IS IS A CHILD.

I'M BLOCKING YOU.

HAVE FUN AT THE KIDS' TABLE.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES

ME SLEEPIER THAN TURKEY IS

DHATING WITH YOU GUYS.

BORING, I SAY.

OKAY.

TIME FOR CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS.

NO CELEBRITIES WERE BORN

TODAY.

GOOD NIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> WHAT DOES IT COST TO RENT

YOUR CAB A WEEK?

>> I DON'T GO INTO THAT.

>> I WANT TO GET INTO THE NUTS

AND BOLTS OF THIS BUSINESS.

I WANT THE TOIRS TAKE A LOOK

AT YOU.