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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:39,467 (LAUGHTER) 2 00:00:39,467 --> 00:00:42,827 >> OH. 3 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:53,730 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 4 00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:55,767 >> THERE IS A CHANCE THAT MADE 5 00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:58,397 IT ALL THE WAY TO THE TOILET. 6 00:00:58,400 --> 00:00:59,830 WELCOME TO TOSH.COM. 7 00:00:59,833 --> 00:01:01,073 TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT 8 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:02,467 TEE WITH SEXY STUBBLE FEATURES 9 00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:03,297 FORT FRANCES. 10 00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:04,670 FORT FRANCES WAS ALSO THE 11 00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,427 FIRST MILITARY OUTPOST THAT 12 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,303 ALLOWED COLORED TROOPS. 13 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:08,300 I DON'T LIKE USING THAT WORD. 14 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:12,830 BUT CONGRESS DID. 15 00:01:12,833 --> 00:01:14,073 * SUMMERTIME * 16 00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:14,927 >> FORT FRANCES? 17 00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:17,203 NOT THE FRESH PRINCE. 18 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,600 THAT IS WHO WROTE THAT SONG. 19 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:20,630 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE REDEEM 20 00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:22,233 A CAB DRIVER WITH A BAD RAP. 21 00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:23,873 I MAKE THE PEOPLE THAT HATE ME 22 00:01:23,867 --> 00:01:25,527 THE MOST HATE ME MORE. 23 00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:26,903 I HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER A 24 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:27,530 LITTLE EARLY. 25 00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:29,403 NOW LET'S SEE IF THIS BODY 26 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,500 STARTED REJECTING BAGEL BITES 27 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:36,770 AGAIN. 28 00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:37,497 HE DOES THAT EVERY HOUR ON THE 29 00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:38,970 HOUR. 30 00:01:38,967 --> 00:01:39,927 I'M SORRY GO. 31 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:40,273 AHEAD. 32 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,297 WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT 33 00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,600 DAVE MATTHEWS BAND? 34 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,930 (LAUGHTER) 35 00:01:44,933 --> 00:01:46,803 LET'S SEE THE UP-SIDE OF 36 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,200 OWNING A TIE-DYED SHIRT ON A 37 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:50,970 PUKE-COLORED COUCH. 38 00:01:50,967 --> 00:01:53,297 NO ONE NOTICES THE STAIN. 39 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,770 IS HE AT JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S 40 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,797 HOUSE? 41 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:58,930 THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY 42 00:01:58,933 --> 00:02:00,133 ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE TO OWN A 43 00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,173 PRINCE OF PERSIA POSTER. 44 00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:02,567 OH. 45 00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:04,097 THE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES? 46 00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:04,700 THEY ARE NOT TEENAGERS 47 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,300 ANYMORE. 48 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,230 (LAUGHTER) 49 00:02:07,233 --> 00:02:08,873 COME ON. 50 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,327 A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION IS NO 51 00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:15,203 LAUGHING MATTER. 52 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:23,600 (LAUGHTER) 53 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,370 ENOUGH WITH THE FLOPPING, PAUL 54 00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:26,927 PIERCE. 55 00:02:26,933 --> 00:02:28,833 IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO FOR A 56 00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:30,373 COUPLE MORE WEEKS, THEY GET 57 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:31,297 INTO MISSIONARY. 58 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:36,070 CAUSE THEY'RE REALLY SLOW. 59 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:37,127 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED 60 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,103 TO DO WHEN YOU SEE A TURTLE ON 61 00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:42,800 ITS BACK? 62 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,130 FOR THE RECORD, IF YOU EVER 63 00:02:45,133 --> 00:02:46,903 USED A WARP ZONE TO SKIP FROM 64 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,500 WORLD FOUR TWLOEFL TO WORLD 65 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:50,500 EIGHT LEVEL ONE, YOU ARE NOT A 66 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,200 REAL GAMER. 67 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,670 DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT 68 00:02:53,667 --> 00:03:00,397 ABOUT YOU GAME GENIE USERS. 69 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,230 NOT SURE THEY HAVE AN ANSWER 70 00:03:02,233 --> 00:03:02,973 FOR THIS NEXT GIRL IN THE 71 00:03:02,967 --> 00:03:03,627 HALLS OF MEDICINE. 72 00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,903 GOD BLESS YOU? 73 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:06,330 (LAUGHTER) 74 00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:07,933 THAT IS EHEAR THE SINUS 75 00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:09,073 INFECTION OR WE TURNED ON A 76 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:13,367 PORN A SECOND TOO LATE. 77 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:14,667 HEY, AT LEAST SHE IS NOT 78 00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:15,067 CRYING. 79 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:16,227 AM I RIGHT, DUDES? 80 00:03:16,233 --> 00:03:19,733 THEY ARE ALWAYS CRYING. 81 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,633 SHE GIVES WETTEST BUTTERFLY 82 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:25,073 KISSES. 83 00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:27,727 OH. 84 00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:31,373 (LAUGHTER) 85 00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,097 >> GO TO OUR BLOG TO FIND OUT 86 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,070 WHAT CAME OUT OF HER NIPPLES. 87 00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,467 VERY TART. 88 00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:38,197 I THINK I KNOW WHY AMERICAN 89 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:38,970 STUDENTS ARE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK 90 00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:44,567 OF THE WORLD. 91 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:45,627 HE IS GETTING COCKY. 92 00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:47,603 THAT IS THE CLASSIC POGO 93 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:52,800 NO-NO. 94 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:53,570 WELL, YOU FAILED SHOW AND 95 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,227 TELL. 96 00:03:55,233 --> 00:03:56,073 (LAUGHTER) 97 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:57,067 HOPE ONE OF THE OTHER STUDENTS 98 00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:59,197 BROUGHT A NEUROLOGIST. 99 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,070 PROBLEM UNLIKELY. 100 00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,297 THAT SEEMS LIKE A SILLY THING 101 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:06,230 TO BRING. 102 00:04:06,233 --> 00:04:07,073 SHOCKING THAT YOUR 50-YEAR-OLD 103 00:04:07,067 --> 00:04:09,827 TOY IS DANGEROUS. 104 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,603 THAT IS A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. 105 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:11,900 OKAY. 106 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:16,270 GOOD JOB. 107 00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:17,497 HI, GUYS. 108 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,670 I BROUGHT IN MY BRAND NEW 109 00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:21,967 ONE-NIGHT STAND BECCA. 110 00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:22,967 >> BRIANNE. 111 00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:28,727 >> I KNOW I'M TOO OLD TO BE IN 112 00:04:28,733 --> 00:04:29,173 THAT CLASS. 113 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,767 THAT IS THE ONLY WAY MY DAD 114 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:32,467 WILL LET ME TAKE OVER HIS 115 00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:32,897 HOTEL CHAIN. 116 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:35,170 YEAH, THAT IS A BILLY MADISON 117 00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:35,567 REFERENCE. 118 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,627 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT 119 00:04:36,633 --> 00:04:36,933 IT? 120 00:04:36,933 --> 00:04:37,703 YOU ARE GOING TO SIT THERE AND 121 00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:38,900 TAKE IT. 122 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:42,700 CALL THE ZOO. 123 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:43,770 I THINK GOD WANTS THIS NEXT 124 00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:50,667 MAN DEAD. 125 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:53,167 ADD NECK INJURY TO THAT CHART. 126 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,327 NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON 127 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:55,703 THE CLOCK AND A BRAND NEW 128 00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:59,070 SEGMENT CALLED RAPID FIRE. 129 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,667 THAT IS JUST A LITTLE TEST TO 130 00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:02,897 DO TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE AREN'T 131 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:03,270 FAKING. 132 00:05:03,267 --> 00:05:04,827 THIS ONE'S FOR REAL! 133 00:05:04,833 --> 00:05:05,573 APRIL'S FOOL'S. 134 00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:06,227 HE DIED IN THE AMBULANCE, 135 00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:07,773 ACTUALLY. 136 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:08,127 CAREFUL. 137 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:08,973 WE STILL WANT TO HARVEST HIS 138 00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,867 ORGANS. 139 00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:11,497 LEAVE HIM THERE. 140 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,470 LET THE AUTOMATIC DOORS SLOWLY 141 00:05:13,467 --> 00:05:16,067 FINISH THE JOB. 142 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:26,067 OFFICIAL CAUSE OF DEATH? 143 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:26,797 SLAPSTICK COMEDY GOLD. 144 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:36,330 WHAT'S NEXT? 145 00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:38,203 BIG-ASS BONFIRE TAKE ONE. 146 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,570 WE NOTICE TAKE-ONE TARANTINO. 147 00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,497 NOTHING IS BURNT YET. 148 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,330 NOW LET'S SHOW THE QUICKEST 149 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:45,933 WAY TO GET RID OF ALL YOUR 150 00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:47,473 ROMNEY YARD SIGNS IN THIS 151 00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,497 WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 152 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:50,770 IF THERE IS ONE THING COUNTRY 153 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,897 FOLK CAN DO IT IS LIGHT 154 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:54,330 (BLEEP) ON FIRE. 155 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:55,073 STUPID SEASON IS YEAR-ROUND IN 156 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,897 THE SOUTH. 157 00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:58,170 I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION 158 00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:00,167 THAT ISN'T PREMIUM. 159 00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:01,067 WASTING GAS LIKE IT IS MADE OF 160 00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:02,067 MONEY. 161 00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:02,767 OR WHATEVER THEY USE FOR 162 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,327 CURRENCY THERE. 163 00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:07,203 YOU GUYS OWN THE PELT SYSTEM? 164 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,870 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SAVE SOME 165 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:17,567 FOR THE ATV'S. 166 00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:20,167 >> FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, 167 00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:22,967 ONE! 168 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:24,397 >> YAY! 169 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,200 HE MADE IT FROM FIVE ONE WITH 170 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:26,830 ZERO MISTAKES. 171 00:06:26,833 --> 00:06:28,873 WHO IS UNEDUCATED NOW YOU 172 00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:33,597 MAN-KISSING YANKEES? 173 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:34,330 REDNECK NASA HAS COME A LONG 174 00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:36,803 WAY. 175 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,470 (LAUGHTER) 176 00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:39,797 BOMBS MAKE THE BEST KINDLING. 177 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,070 REMEMBER, ONLY (BLEEP) USE 178 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:45,197 DURAFLAME LOGS. 179 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,630 GOING TO BE TOUGH TO ENJOY 180 00:06:46,633 --> 00:06:47,403 S'MORES WITH YOUR LIPS BURNED 181 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:51,300 OFF. 182 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:52,070 UP IN FLAMES. 183 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:53,267 JUST LIKE YOUR 2012 LOS 184 00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:55,727 ANGELES LAKERS. 185 00:06:55,733 --> 00:06:57,503 >> YOU OKAY? 186 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,270 >> YOU OKAY? 187 00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,167 HE IS WEARING POLARIZED 188 00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:00,367 OAKLEYS. 189 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:01,897 A CONFEDERATE FLAG AS A SCARF 190 00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:02,900 AND A TANK TOP. 191 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:08,100 HE WASN'T OKAY TO BEGIN WITH. 192 00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:09,530 >> HOLY (BLEEP). 193 00:07:09,533 --> 00:07:11,303 >> I ASSUME HE IS ALIVE. 194 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,270 FOR THAT WE THANK YOU. 195 00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE 196 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,167 WEB REDEMPTION. 197 00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:16,867 FIRST, WHAT DO I MISS MOST 198 00:07:16,867 --> 00:07:17,927 ABOUT LIVING IN SOUTH BEACH? 199 00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:18,633 THAT IS EASY. 200 00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:26,533 TOPLESS PORN CHICKS. 201 00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:27,503 >> WOW, ALEX. 202 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:40,800 WHOA, YOU FELL OFF. 203 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:48,700 WHO THE HELL IS THAT? 204 00:07:48,867 --> 00:07:51,327 YOU KNOW WHO I AM. 205 00:07:51,333 --> 00:07:53,933 I'M TAXI DAVE, I'M TAXI DAVE 206 00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:56,333 IN MY BLACK AND YELLOW CAB. 207 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:57,733 NOW MY CAB LOOKS 208 00:07:57,733 --> 00:07:58,233 UNAPPROACHABLE. 209 00:07:58,233 --> 00:07:58,633 IT IS SAFE. 210 00:07:58,633 --> 00:07:59,073 IT'S MEAN. 211 00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,627 IT IS SUPER CLEAN. 212 00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:01,803 YOU WANT TO RIDE WITH ME 213 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,270 BECAUSE I'M THE BIG CAT. 214 00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:05,167 GOT TO GO NOW. 215 00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:07,097 WHEN YOU ARE IN SAC-TOWN, GIVE 216 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:07,900 ME A CALL. 217 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,230 I'LL BE YOUR BEST RIDE EVER IN 218 00:08:09,233 --> 00:08:13,203 DOWNTOWN SACRAMENTO. 219 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:13,570 >> YEAH. 220 00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:22,397 I'M JUST GOING TO WALK. 221 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,400 IF YOU WANT TO COMBINE THE 222 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:29,870 THRILL OF DROPPING PEOPLE OFF 223 00:08:29,867 --> 00:08:31,127 AT THE AIRPORT AND DRIVING A 224 00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:32,533 CAB, THAT MIGHT BE THE 225 00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:33,133 PROFESSION FOR YOU. 226 00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:34,633 THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT 227 00:08:34,633 --> 00:08:35,073 TAXIS. 228 00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:35,697 THEY ARE OLD AND UGLY. 229 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:36,730 LIKE POLICE CARS. 230 00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:37,573 THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THE 231 00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:40,067 POLICE CARS WATCH YOU PICK UP 232 00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:41,227 BLACK PEOPLE. 233 00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:42,833 THE BEST THING ABOUT TAXIS IS 234 00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:44,903 THEY SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLED 235 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,470 JIMMY FALLON'S MOVIE CAREER. 236 00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:48,297 NOW HE IS FORCED TO PLAY 237 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:49,230 BEER-PONG WITH THE CAST OF THE 238 00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:50,673 NEW NORMAL EVERY NIGHT. 239 00:08:50,667 --> 00:08:51,967 MY FAVORITE SHOW ABOUT TAXIS 240 00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:53,197 IS CASH CAB CONFESSIONS. 241 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,700 WHERE BEN BAILEY ASKS TRIVIA 242 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,100 QUESTIONS OF PASSENGERS THAT 243 00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:01,470 ARE (BLEEP) IN THE BACK SEAT. 244 00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:04,167 IT IS TRUE THAT TAXI DRIVERS 245 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,527 SMELL LIKE THEY ARE MOMENTS 246 00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:06,803 AWAY FROM BLOWING UP A 247 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:07,770 BATHROOM. 248 00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:08,697 PLEASE STOP TRYING TO CHAT 249 00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:09,470 WITH ME. 250 00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:10,527 HERE IS HOW THE RELATIONSHIP 251 00:09:10,533 --> 00:09:11,203 SHOULD WORK. 252 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:11,870 YOU DRIVE. 253 00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:12,827 I SIT IN THE BACK SEAT 254 00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:13,833 CHECKING MY IPHONE TO MAKE 255 00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:16,133 SURE YOU ARE NOT TAKING ME 256 00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:24,633 SOMEPLACE TO BE MURDERED. 257 00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:24,973 SORRY. 258 00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:27,827 WE HAVE REAL MEDICINE HERE. 259 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:29,073 NOT POWDERS BLOWN THROUGH THE 260 00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:31,267 SKULL OF A GOAT. 261 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,267 TAXI DAVE WAS TRYING TO STIR 262 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:32,927 UP MORE BUSINESS. 263 00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:34,233 THAT IS WHY I HIRED HIM TO 264 00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:35,273 DRIVE HIMSELF FROM THE WORST 265 00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:36,067 N.B.A. CITY IN THE COUNTRY TO 266 00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:37,567 L.A. 267 00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,697 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 268 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:45,970 CABS HERE. 269 00:09:45,967 --> 00:09:47,897 >> HOW YOU DOING TODAY? 270 00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:49,100 >> YOU SEE THE HUNGER GAMES? 271 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:50,070 YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THE HUNGER 272 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:50,497 GAMES. 273 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,100 ALL RIGHT? 274 00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:53,770 LET ME TELL YOU. 275 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:54,927 KIDS ARE FIGHTING. 276 00:09:54,933 --> 00:09:55,703 THEY KILL EACH OTHER. 277 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,070 THEY SAID, HEY, THERE IS GOING 278 00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:59,897 TO BE ONE WINNER. 279 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:00,970 THEY WENT, NOW WE CHANGED THE 280 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:01,297 RULES. 281 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:05,830 THEY CHANGED THE RULES. 282 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:07,173 THERE CAN BE TWO WINNERS NOW. 283 00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:08,167 THEY DON'T KILL EACH OTHER. 284 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,797 THEY DON'T KILL EACH OTHER. 285 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,200 >> LOOK AT THIS. 286 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,700 >> LET'S GO! 287 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:15,400 >> GO WHERE? 288 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:23,430 IT IS ALL BACKED UP YOU MORON. 289 00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:25,003 >> (BLEEP). 290 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,170 >> TAXI DAVE. 291 00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:27,767 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE A 292 00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,197 FOREIGNER. 293 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,370 >> HOW ARE YOU? 294 00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:30,827 >> GOOD. 295 00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:31,473 HOW ARE YOU? 296 00:10:31,467 --> 00:10:32,797 >> YOU TRIED TO RESET THAT 297 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:33,130 METER. 298 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,373 I WILL GUT YOU, OLD WOMAN. 299 00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:36,927 >> IS THIS OKAY? 300 00:10:36,933 --> 00:10:45,773 THAT IS NOT GOOD. 301 00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,497 >> TAXI DAVE YOUR REAL NAME? 302 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,500 >> MY NAME IS DAVE. 303 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:50,900 >> HOW LONG YOU BEEN GOING BY 304 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:51,300 TAXI GAVE. 305 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,030 >> THREE AND A HALF YEARS. 306 00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,473 MY CUSTOMERS NAMED ME. 307 00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,067 THAT. 308 00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:57,197 >> EVER SEE PEOPLE HAVING SEX 309 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:57,870 IN THE BACK? 310 00:10:57,867 --> 00:10:59,427 >> WHEN THEY START, I TELL 311 00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:00,803 THEM, IF YOU DO THAT, YOU HAVE 312 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:01,270 TO SHARE. 313 00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,867 >> YOU DON'T CARE WHICH ONE. 314 00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:04,267 YOU A FAN OF SACRAMENTO AS A 315 00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:04,597 CITY? 316 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:04,930 >> YES. 317 00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,573 >> BEST CITY IN CALIFORNIA? 318 00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:07,827 >> IT IS UP-AND-COMING. 319 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,333 >> YOU GAVE FLAT RATE FROM THE 320 00:11:10,333 --> 00:11:11,533 AIRPORT TO ANY DOWNTOWN HOTEL. 321 00:11:11,533 --> 00:11:12,333 >> OH, NO. 322 00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:13,773 >> WHAT DOES THAT RUN YOU? 323 00:11:13,767 --> 00:11:15,897 >> $35-$40. 324 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,430 >> WHAT IS A GOOD TIP ON THAT? 325 00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:19,203 >> WITH ME, I PROVIDE 326 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,170 ENTERTAINMENT ALONG WITH THE 327 00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:21,767 RIDE. 328 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:22,197 KARAOKE. 329 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,570 HAVING A GOOD TIME. 330 00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:25,967 PARTY CAB. 331 00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:28,627 >> WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU 332 00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:29,573 THINK YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY? 333 00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:32,067 >> PLAY SOME JOURNEY. 334 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:32,867 QUIET RIOT. 335 00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:33,297 SOME QUEEN. 336 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:33,630 >> NO. 337 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:39,073 YOU ARE OFF! 338 00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:41,427 YOU OLD DUMB (BLEEP)! 339 00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:51,103 WHAT ARE YOU DOING! 340 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:51,770 OH. 341 00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:53,227 HOW LONG YOU THINK YOU ARE 342 00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:54,403 GOING TO DRIVE CAB? 343 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,070 >> I WANT TO WORK MY WAY OUT 344 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:56,397 OF THAT. 345 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,330 >> GET INTO WHAT? 346 00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:58,903 >> I WOULD LIKE TO BECOME THE 347 00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:00,270 NEW WEIRD AL YANK VICK. 348 00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:02,527 >> DOING IT IN SHOW BUSINESS? 349 00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:04,303 >> SURE. 350 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:05,900 >> I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD 351 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,870 EVER GIVE UP DRIVING. 352 00:12:07,867 --> 00:12:09,067 DO YOU SHARE YOUR CAB WITH ONE 353 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:09,527 OTHER DRIVER? 354 00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,473 >> NO. 355 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,067 I KEEP MY CAB 24-7. 356 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,327 >> YOU ARE NOT EVEN REGISTERED 357 00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:14,603 IN. 358 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,300 >> NO. 359 00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:16,270 I'M SELF-EMPLOYED. 360 00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,867 >> THIS IS COMPLETELY ILLEGAL. 361 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:18,827 YOU PAINTED YOUR CAR YELLOW. 362 00:12:18,833 --> 00:12:19,503 >> NO. 363 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:20,070 IT IS ALL LEGAL. 364 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,397 >> YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A 365 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,900 T-SHIRT AND A GALLON OF YELLOW 366 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:24,230 PAINT. 367 00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:26,503 YOU HAVE BEEN RUNNING AMOK IN 368 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,270 SACRAMENTO. 369 00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,097 IF SOMEBODY WANTS TO STOP AND 370 00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,330 GET FOOD, AT A DRIVE-THROUGH 371 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,373 LATE AT NIGHT, IS IT POLITE TO 372 00:12:33,367 --> 00:12:34,167 BUY YOU SOMETHING AS WELL? 373 00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:36,697 >> I DON'T EXPECT IT. 374 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:37,670 BUT IT IS AWKWARD. 375 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:38,967 IT DEPENDS ON MY MOOD. 376 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,497 SOMETIMES I WILL SAY THANK YOU, 377 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:40,970 NO THANK YOU. 378 00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:41,927 I HAVE A SANDWICH IN THE 379 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:42,273 TRUNK. 380 00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:43,467 >> WHY DO YOU KEEP YOUR 381 00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:44,127 SANDWICH IN THE SFLUNG. 382 00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:45,733 >> BECAUSE I HAVE A COOLER IN 383 00:12:45,733 --> 00:12:46,373 THERE TO KEEP IT COOL. 384 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:47,867 >> OKAY. 385 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:56,967 BEST TRIP. 386 00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:57,897 >> YOU EVER TAKE ANY 387 00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:04,100 POLITICIANS TO A WHORER HOUSE? 388 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,570 >> WHAT HAPPENS IN THE CAB 389 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:06,367 STAYS IN THE CAB. 390 00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:07,627 >> IS THAT A REAL RULE? 391 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:08,073 >> YES. 392 00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:11,067 >> YOU EVER GET GAS WITH A 393 00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:11,597 CUSTOMER IN THE CAB. 394 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,600 >> IT IS USUALLY THE OTHER WAY 395 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:13,900 AROUND. 396 00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:15,700 THE CUSTOMERS GET GAS. 397 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:16,300 THEY ARE BURPING. 398 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,930 IT IS FUNNY WATCHING CHICKS 399 00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:18,233 BURP. 400 00:13:18,233 --> 00:13:24,733 THEY ARE THE WORST. 401 00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:32,803 >> YOU ARE NO WIZ KHLIFA. 402 00:13:32,933 --> 00:13:40,473 * JUST WAKING UP IN THE FRONT 403 00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:42,397 SEAT, ROLLING WINDOWS DOWN, 404 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,300 ALL YOU KNOW IS YOU HAVE TO 405 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,970 LOVE BACK-TOWN. 406 00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:46,967 SWEATING IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT 407 00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:47,567 IT WAS ON E. 408 00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:49,967 TANK WAS FULL. 409 00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:51,167 TOOK CARE OF ME. 410 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,797 ABOUT NOON, MY STOMACH IS IN A 411 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:53,530 KNOT. 412 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,073 THANK GOD THERE IS A LINE AT 413 00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:57,067 THE SANDWICH SPOT. 414 00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,397 CRAZY CHICK JUST CALLED SEND 415 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,930 HER NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR IS 416 00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:01,773 HAVING A KID, SHE IS GOING 417 00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,697 INTO LABOR. * 418 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:06,070 * I GOT NO CHANGE, HE SAID 419 00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,767 KEEP THE TIP. * 420 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:08,797 * IF YOU WANT TO BE ON TIME, 421 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,430 NO TROUBLE. 422 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,903 KICK BACK. 423 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,430 SUPER SHUTTLE. * 424 00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:16,203 THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP UP ABOVE 425 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,730 DIDN'T HURT MY MOOD. 426 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,773 IF YOU NEED A RIDE, SHOUT AND 427 00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:23,467 WAVE, YOU BETTER BELIEVE TODAY 428 00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:33,797 WAS A GOOD DAY * 429 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,530 * WITH A LITTLE HOTTY, I 430 00:14:35,533 --> 00:14:37,873 HELPED HIDE THE BODY. 431 00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:39,467 QUIT SMOKING ON THE CHRONIC, 432 00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:44,067 DON'T TURN MY KEENS INTO THE 433 00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,827 SUPERSONIC. 434 00:14:45,833 --> 00:14:47,803 I GOT A GOOD EXCUSE SO I ONLY 435 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:48,730 GET A WARNING. 436 00:14:48,733 --> 00:14:51,673 I GOTTA GO BECAUSE I GOT TO 437 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:52,197 MAKE A PIT STOP. 438 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,370 IF YOU NEED A RIDE, I CAN MAKE 439 00:14:55,367 --> 00:15:03,697 THE FLAG DROP * 440 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:08,070 * HITTING THUMBS UP ON EVERY 441 00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,967 SONG PANDORA PLAYS, I CAN'T 442 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:18,827 BELIEVE TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY * 443 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:20,473 >> WHO WOULD GUESS IN 2012 HE 444 00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:23,067 HAS MORE STREET CREDIT THAN 445 00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,097 ICE CUBE? 446 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,730 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK. 447 00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:26,633 SHAME ON ME. 448 00:15:26,633 --> 00:15:28,073 HIT ME IF THE FACE TWICE, AND 449 00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:28,667 I'M GOING TO QUIT. 450 00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:47,797 BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING MEAN. 451 00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,527 >> LOOKING FOR SOME NICE 452 00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:50,503 INCEST ROLE PLAY. 453 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:54,300 I RUN ACROSS MY GORGEOUS 454 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:55,930 GINGER AUNT. 455 00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:58,073 LOOKING TO MAKE MY DIRTY 456 00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,297 DREAMS A REALITY. 457 00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,900 I'M UP FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE 458 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:01,770 ROMANTIC AND EMOTIONALLY 459 00:16:01,767 --> 00:16:03,967 DEVELOPED. 460 00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:04,527 >> DON'T JUDGE. 461 00:16:04,533 --> 00:16:06,173 IF IT WEREN'T FOR INCEST, WE 462 00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,227 NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF 463 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,603 THE GARDEN OF EDEN. 464 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,900 THAT IS FROM REDDIT, A SITE 465 00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,530 WHERE PEOPLE STEAL A BUNCH OF 466 00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:13,973 STUFF FROM THIS SHOW, PUT IT 467 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,067 ON-LINE AND ACT LIKE THEY 468 00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,097 FOUND IT FIRST. 469 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:20,770 THERE ARE THESE THINGS CALLED 470 00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,767 SUBREDDITS WHERE FELLOW SOCIAL 471 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:23,797 OUTCASTS CAN GATHER TO TALK 472 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,700 ABOUT THEIR PASSIONS THAT KEEP 473 00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,570 THEM FROM MAKING ANY REAL 474 00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:31,967 FRIENDS. 475 00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:33,667 FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S A GROUP 476 00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,597 CALLED WTSSTADAMIT. 477 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,430 I CAN SEE HOW THIS CAN GET 478 00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:39,173 SOMEONE AROUSED. 479 00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:40,467 IN FACT, I'M THINKING OF BY 480 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,727 AING ON THIS BIT AND LOOKING 481 00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:42,803 AT THESE PHOTOS FOR THE REST 482 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,670 OF THE SHOW. 483 00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:47,697 YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE 484 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:48,270 THAT. 485 00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:49,827 I THINK MY PHONE WAS HACKED. 486 00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:51,073 NEXT UP IS PICTURES OF IAN 487 00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,427 SLEEPING. 488 00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:55,173 FULL OF NOTHING OF PICTURES OF 489 00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:56,697 THIS DUDE NAMED IAN. 490 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,230 SLEEPING. 491 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:57,903 HERE HE IS SOUND ASLEEP IN 492 00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,630 CLASS. 493 00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:00,433 NOT GOING TO LEARN THAT WAY, 494 00:17:00,433 --> 00:17:01,433 BUDDY. 495 00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:02,303 HERE HE IS SLEEPING WITH HIS 496 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,100 GIRLFRIEND FACE-TO-FACE. 497 00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:04,800 BREATHING IN EACH OTHER'S 498 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:05,270 MOUTHS. 499 00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:06,927 THAT IS GROSS. 500 00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:07,773 WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE ONE 501 00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,067 PILLOW? 502 00:17:09,067 --> 00:17:10,427 WHY ARE YOU SHOVED INTO THE 503 00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:11,073 CORNER? 504 00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:13,527 I GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC. 505 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,433 I WOULD MAKE HER TAKE THE 506 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:15,803 INSIDE SECTION THERE. 507 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:21,370 YOU ARE NOT GETTING OUT! 508 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:23,367 BELIEVE ME, IT IS EVEN MORE 509 00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,597 MIND-BLOWING IN PERSON. 510 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,230 (LAUGHTER) 511 00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:27,833 IAN WILL SLEEP THROUGH 512 00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:28,233 ANYTHING. 513 00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,373 MOVING ON. 514 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:34,897 NEXT IS CALLED GGGGG. 515 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,400 ARE THESE THINGS WITH PICTURES 516 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,570 OF G'S IN IT? 517 00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,167 DING, DING, DING. 518 00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:39,897 MAKES YOU APPRECIATE THE 519 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:47,600 LETTER G. 520 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,070 GEE WHIZ. 521 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,467 THAT IS A LOT OF G'S. 522 00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:54,267 ALL RIGHT. 523 00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:55,067 FOR MEN WHO ENJOY MY LITTLE 524 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:56,297 PONY. 525 00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:59,870 THE COMMUNITY MADE UP OF GUYS 526 00:17:59,867 --> 00:18:01,227 WHO CAN'T WAIT TO WHACK IT TO 527 00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:13,273 EXPLICIT PICS. 528 00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:14,727 ALL RIGHT, GUYS. 529 00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:15,333 FRIENDSHIP MAGIC. 530 00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,073 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 531 00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,167 MORE STRIP MALL. 532 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:27,200 WELCOME BACK. 533 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,400 HEY, MACY'S THANKSGIVING 534 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,230 PARADE, HERE IS SOME ADVICE. 535 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:34,573 LOSE THE BALLOONS. 536 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:36,967 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, BUSTER 537 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:51,967 HYMEN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 538 00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:54,297 >> I AM SO DEAD-SET ON LOSING 539 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:54,770 MY VIRGINITY. 540 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,227 >> SOME LUCKY LADY IS GOING TO 541 00:18:57,233 --> 00:19:00,573 HAVE THAT BEAR TRAP OF A MOUTH 542 00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:03,397 ON OVER HER DELICATES. 543 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,430 ONLY A FEW MORE WEEKS OF 544 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:05,773 FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER BEFORE 545 00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:07,167 I LEAVE SOCIAL MEDIA FOREVER. 546 00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,297 CHECK OUT OUR BLOG FOR 547 00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:09,070 EXCITING NEW TARGETED BANNER 548 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,427 ADS. 549 00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:11,973 AND TONIGHT'S BRICKLEBERRY 550 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:12,467 SPOILER ALERT. 551 00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:14,327 (BLEEP). 552 00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:15,773 AND FINALLY, EVERYBODY KNOWS 553 00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:16,497 THANKSGIVING CELEBRATES THE 554 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:17,700 TIME WE MURDERED A BUNCH OF 555 00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:20,230 INDIANS AND TOOK THEIR LAND. 556 00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:22,973 I MEAN, NATIVE-AMERICANS. 557 00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:23,767 FOR MOST PEOPLE, IT IS LIKE 558 00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,127 GATHERING WITH FRIENDS AND 559 00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:28,973 FAMILY TO EAT THE SAME HUNGRY 560 00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:30,667 MAN DINNER YOU ARE GOING TO 561 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,327 CHOKE DOWN IN A MONTH. 562 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,873 I CONNECTED WITH MY FANS ALL 563 00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,267 AT ONCE IN THE LEAST INTIMATE 564 00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:36,727 WAY POSSIBLE. 565 00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:37,303 IN A CHAT ROOM. 566 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:42,630 FOR OUR FIRST EVER ANNUAL 567 00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,073 NOSH.O. PRE-THANKSGIVING 568 00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,427 VIRTUAL REALITY CYBER-SNACK. 569 00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:46,603 HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 570 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:47,270 DOES EVERYBODY HAVE FOOD? 571 00:19:47,267 --> 00:19:51,327 >> YES. 572 00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,303 I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP 573 00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:52,670 TALKING. 574 00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:53,067 NICOLE? 575 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,427 >> HI. 576 00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:55,603 >> WHAT ARE YOU EATING? 577 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,370 >> SPAGHETTI. 578 00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:57,097 >> I HAVE A TURKEY SANDWICH 579 00:19:57,100 --> 00:20:01,470 AND A GLASS OF GRAVY. 580 00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:03,327 >> IS IT FROM PANERA? 581 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,673 >> NO. 582 00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,127 >> WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR? 583 00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,673 >> FOR MY FAMILY AND THE FACT 584 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:08,867 THAT I HAVE ALL MY ARMS AND 585 00:20:08,867 --> 00:20:09,197 LEGS. 586 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:09,930 >> THIS IS WORSE THAN MY 587 00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:11,503 FAMILY DINNER. 588 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,530 MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL 589 00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:12,833 FOR? 590 00:20:12,833 --> 00:20:18,603 HOLY MALL. 591 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,470 >> I'M NOT COMING BACK, 592 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,527 MICHAEL. 593 00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:23,173 >> I'M STAYING HOME SO I CAN 594 00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:23,797 COME TO YOUR HOUSE. 595 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:24,630 >> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 596 00:20:24,633 --> 00:20:30,633 >> I'M THANKFUL FOR THIS HERE. 597 00:20:30,633 --> 00:20:32,503 >> CAN THAT GORILLA DO ANY 598 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,130 TRICKS? 599 00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:34,133 HE KNOWS SIGN LANGUAGE. 600 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,333 >> I'M THANKFUL FOR YOU AND 601 00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:35,673 MALLOY. 602 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,497 >> F YOU ASS-KISSER. 603 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:42,870 HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 604 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:43,827 HERE IS IS A CHILD. 605 00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,173 I'M BLOCKING YOU. 606 00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:47,467 HAVE FUN AT THE KIDS' TABLE. 607 00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:48,167 THANKS, EVERYBODY. 608 00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:49,097 HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 609 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,270 >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 610 00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:53,827 >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 611 00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,833 (LAUGHTER) 612 00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:57,373 >> THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES 613 00:20:57,367 --> 00:20:59,067 ME SLEEPIER THAN TURKEY IS 614 00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:01,127 DHATING WITH YOU GUYS. 615 00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:03,903 BORING, I SAY. 616 00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:04,330 OKAY. 617 00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:05,803 TIME FOR CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS. 618 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:06,670 NO CELEBRITIES WERE BORN 619 00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:07,067 TODAY. 620 00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:08,667 GOOD NIGHT. 621 00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:18,227 (APPLAUSE) 622 00:21:18,533 --> 00:21:19,603 >> WHAT DOES IT COST TO RENT 623 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:20,400 YOUR CAB A WEEK? 624 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,500 >> I DON'T GO INTO THAT. 625 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:23,200 >> I WANT TO GET INTO THE NUTS 626 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,500 AND BOLTS OF THIS BUSINESS. 627 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,570 I WANT THE TOIRS TAKE A LOOK 628 00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:28,267 AT YOU. 37764

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