Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O IS I TENDED FOR

MATURE AUDIENCES.

COMEDY DOES NOT CONDONE THE

ACTIVITIES ON THE SHOW.

ENJOY.

[LAUGHTER] [WHOOPING]

[APPLAUSE]

* *

* *

TOSH: HE FORGOT HIS ET.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

TONIGHT'S OVERPRICE CONCERT

TEAM FEATURES J.J.

THAT'S THE PERFECT WOMAN TO

TRICK A WOMAN INTO THINKING

YOU'RE SENSITIVE.

ON THE SHOW I REDEEM THE

UNREDEEMABLE.

I SHOW HIGHLIGHTS FROM MY

BASKETBALL LEAGUE AND

SECRETLY FILM MY STAFF

EATING DOG FOOD.

NOW LET'S FIND OUT WHY YOU

NEVER TRY TO OUT-GRAND THE

CANYON.

>> OH, NO!

>> YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE

FOOLISH ENOUGH TO DO, BLACK

PEOPLE?

YOU JUST SHOVED US OUT OF

NORMAL SPORTS.

NOW WE ARE JUMPING OFF

MOUNTAINS.

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: BY THE WAY YOU GET

EXTRA POINTS IF YOU GO

FARTHER THAN YOUR BIKE.

I BET HIS SCREAM SOUNDING

MAJESTIC ECHOING OFF THE

BEYOND WALL.

NEVER CHEER UNTIL THERE'S A

SAFE LANDING BECAUSE NOW YOU

ALL LOOK STUPID.

THERE'S NO SHAME IN BAILING

OUT WHEN THINGS GET

DANGEROUS.

I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING

YET, BUT I'M AN ACTRESS.

>> OH.

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS

WEAR A HELMET CAM ON THE

FIRST DATE.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD LUCK SNEAKING INTO HOME

ROOM IF THIS NEXT GUY IS

YOUR DAD.

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: YOUR MOVE, SCHOOL

BULLIES.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LAY

DOWN COVER FIRE FOR YOUR

CHILD, THEN DON'T LIVE IN

DETROIT.

ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT AMERICA.

KNOW HOW I KNOW?

BECAUSE WE DO OUR SHOOTINGS

INSIDE THE SCHOOL, AND WHY

IS HE DROPPING OFF HIS KID

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

DOESN'T HE OWN A WIFE?

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: OK.

DID YOU KNOW AS WE SPEAK

THERE ARE SLUTS IN CHINA

TRYING TO DIG THEIR AWAY TO

THE U.S. OF A?

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU

FLOODED RIFE PATTIES, MAKE

FETISH PORN.

FIRST SAILOR OUTFIT IS

RUINED.

GOOD THING THEY'RE HAD GOOD

AT LAUNDRY.

EITHER OR SNAP THINGS

TOGETHER FOR APPLE.

ALL RIGHT.

SOMEBODY HELP HER.

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: FACE DOWN, ASS UP,

THAT'S THE WAY WE BOTH GOT

STUCK.

YOUR PRIUS MAY SAVE THE

ENVIRONMENT BUT IT WILL

NEVER MAKE A WOMAN DO THIS.

[SCREAMING].

TOSH: JUST LIKE THE GRI AT

THE FERRARI DEALERSHIP SAID

IT WOULD HAPPEN.

IMAGINE THE NOISE THAT SHE

WOULD MAKE IF THAT GUY'S

BELOW AVERAGE SIZE PENIS WAS

INSIDE HER?

THAT BUMPER STICKER MIGHT BE

TOO MUCH.

MOVING ON, IN A FIGHT TO

PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL

TIMES IS JUST A SUGGESTION.

DON'T PUT YOUR -- QUIT YOUR

NIGHT JOB WORKING THE DOOR

AT A STRIP CLUB.

IT'S NOT EVEN KING HIPPO CAN

WIN 'EM ALL.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER].

TOSH: THERE COULD NOT HAVE

BEEN A WORSE TIME FOR HIS

INVILLETY POTION TO WEAR

OFF.

NOW YOU SEE WHY YOU NEVER

ENTER A POLICE STATION WITH

AN EXPOSED WEAPON.

THAT JAILBIRD HAS JUST BEEN

RELEASED AND YOU DON'T GO

HOME WITH A SOUVENIR JUMP

SUIT.

THIS IS A HOLDING AREA, SIR,

SO PLEASE HOLD YOUR AREA.

FINALLY THEY'RE GIVING HIM

HIS STUFF BACK.

HOPEFULLY THERE'S A SPORTS

BRA IN THERE.

THIS IS NOT IDEAL FOOT WARE.

IN HIS DEFENSE, NO ONE LOOKS

SANE IN FLIPPERS.

SERVES HIM RIGHT I SAY.

COPS ARE ALWAYS BREAKING

INTO MY PARTIES, TAKING

THEIR CLOTHES OFF.

LOOK LIKE ANOTHER ONE FOR

THE COURT-APPOINTED

ATTORNEY.

YOUR CLIENT IS THE ONE IN

SWIM FINS.

THERE'S NO AUDIO, BUT I'M

PRETTY SURE ONE COP SAID I'M

GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS

[BLEEP].

HE'S BEEN FREE FOR HOURS

WAIT ARE -- WAITING FOR THE

TIDE TO COME IN.

I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE COPS

THAT LET HIM PUT ON FLIPPERS

AND DANCING AROUND INSTEAD

OF THROWING HIM TO GROUND

AND TASTESING HIM.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT

FIRST PEOPLE THINK THERE'S

NO PLACE FOR CONSERVATIVES

IN W50D.

AS LONG AS YOUR PROJECT

MAKES MONEY NO ONE CARES

WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

I'M GOING TO START PLAYING

YOU MESSAGES LEFT BY A RIGHT

WING FRIEND IN A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED FAIR AND BALANCED

VOICE MALES FROM COMEDIAN,

GREG HAAN.

>> GEORGE WASHINGTON TO

GEORGE BUSH TOTAL DEBT $10

TRILLION.

ONE MAN, BARACK OBAMA, FOUR

YEARS, HIS DEBT $6 TRILLION.

UNBELIEVABLE.

JACK STEWART DOES NOT

COMPREHEND THAT.

WHO THINKS CLINTON ERASEED

THE DEBT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET SOME SUSHI.

>> WE JUST SAW THE

GIRLSCOUTS WITH THEIR LITTLE

TABLE AND WE AND MY FRIEND

WERE LIKE LET'S GET THE

MONEY IN THE ENVELOPE.

>> WHY DID YOU DO IT?

>> I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE

MONEY?

>> BUT IT'S A CRIME.

>> I KNOW IT'S A CRIME, BUT

A TINY CRIME.

>> WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO

USE IT FOR?

>> I FILLED UP MY GAS TANK.

I WAS PLANNING ON BUYING A

NECKLACE AND NEW PHONE BUT I

GUESS NOT.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, THINGS

WILL PAY FOR THEMSELVES?

THAT'S STEPHANIE WITH AN F.

IF SHE HAD DONE THAT IN THE

MIDDLE EAST THEY WOULD HAVE

CHOPPED HER HANDS OFF, WHICH

WOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE

BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE

GIVES GOOD HANDS JOBS.

THEY CALL IT PETTI THEFT

BECAUSE WHO CARES?

AT WORST YOU GET A SLAP ON

THE WRIST.

AT BEST YOU HAVE A $5

HANDBAG.

SOME STORES HAVE LOSS

PREVENTION PERSONNEL.

THEY'RE HIRED TO FOLLOW

BLACK PEOPLE AROUND.

I DON'T AGREE WITH IT EITHER,

BUT IF NOT FOR SHOPLIFTING

THERE WOULDN'T DESECURITY

VIDEOS.

MY FAVORITE THING TO STEAL

IS A KISS.

THEY CAN'T MAKE YOU GIVE IT

BACK.

I BORROWED HOLLYWOOD FOR

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> OH, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

>> LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE,

BABY.

>> LET'S WASH THAT PRISON

STINK OFF FIRST.

CAREFUL.

THIS IS A RENTAL.

AVIS GAVE ME AN UP GAID.

SHOULD I FEEL SAFE AROUND

YOU?

>> YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> FORT LAUDERDALE.

>> DO YOU I AM BLAME FLORIDA

FOR SOME OF THE DECISIONS

YOU MADE IN YOUR LIFE.

>> PARTLY.

>> YOUR HAIR IS BETTER THAN

THAT ORIGINAL VIDEO.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT KIND OF DIRT BAG

PHASE WAS THAT.

WERE YOU EVER A GIRLSCOUT?

>> NO I WASN'T.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

GIRLSCOUTS?

>> I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY

DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROFIT

IS FOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR

PURPOSE IS.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE

FIGHTING IN THE MIDMITD.

-- MIDDLE EAST.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT

DAY.

>> THERE WAS A GIRL INVOLVED

THAT TOOK THE ENVELOPE ON

THE TABLE WHERE THE

GIRLSCOUT WAS SELLING

COOKIES.

>> HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT?

>> SHE WENT TO SCHOOL THE

NEXT DAY AND TALKED AND WE

GOT ARREST.

>> SO IT'S HER FAULT.

IS THAT WHY YOU KILLED HER?

HOW MUCH MONEY WAS THERE

TOTAL?

>> $168.

>> OK AND YOU SPLIT THAT TWO

WAYS?

>> WE DID.

>> AND THEN YOU SPENT 50 ON

GAS, AND THEN YOU SAID YOU

WERE GOING TO BUY A NECKLACE

AND CELL PHONE.

HOW WERE YOU PLANNING ON

DOING THAT WITH $25?

>> I WASN'T SURE.

I HAD TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK,

SO I DIDN'T GET THE REST OF

IT.

>> HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN IN

TROUBLE?

>> AFTER THE GIRLSCOUT THING

DID I EIGHT MONTHS, WAS OUT

TWO MONTHS, GOT IN TROUBLE

AGAIN, SAT IN JAIL YEAR AND

A HALF, FROM THERE TO REHAB,

STRAIGHT FROM REHAB TO HOUSE

ARREST.

THANK YOU FORGETING ME OFF

HOUSE ARREST BY THE WAY.

>> WHAT DO I DO?

I BREAK PEOPLE OUT.

HOW WAS THE FOOD IN JAIL?

>> IT WAS AWFUL.

>> YEAH?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU WANT AN APPLE?

>> NO.

>> YOU SURE?

>> I'M POSITIVE.

>> I'VE SEEN THIS IN A LOT

OF MOVIES.

SEEMS COOL.

ARE YOU FINISHED WITH

STEALING?

>> YES.

>> YOU HESITATED.

DID BEING IN THE PRISON

TERRIFY.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT ARE SHOWS SHOWERS

LIKE?

>> THEY'RE CLOSE.

>> DO YOU STILL SMOKE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> WHY DON'T YOU QUIT?

>> NOT READY.

>> I QUIT.

THAT'S WHY I USE THESE.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> USED CIGARETTES.

>> I USED TO HAVE ONE OF

THOSE.

>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.

>> WATER VAPOR.

>> NO DANGERS OF SMOKING BUT

STILL ALL THE COOLNESS.

WHATEVER.

SUIT YOURSELF.

>> IT'S GROSS.

>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO

FOR FUN?

>> NOT REALLY MUCH I CAN DO

FOR FUN ON HOUSE ARREST.

WATCH TV.

>> PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

>> IF I HAD A CONSOLE TO

PLAY THEM YES.

>> WELL, STEAL ONE.

PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I

BROUGHT YOU HERE.

>> I AM.

>> WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I HAD

ONE LAST SCORE THEN WE GET

OUT OF HERE, LEAD A NORMAL

LIFE TOGETHER?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

>> CAN'T RISK IT.

>> CAN'T RISK IT?

COME ON.

IT'S ME AND YOU BABY AND THE

BEACHES OF MEXICO AND NOT

ACAPULCO.

THAT'S WHERE WHITE PEOPLE

GET MURDERED.

[BEEPING].

>> NO, NO, NO!

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COME

UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M GOING NEED YOU IN ZONE

8.

I WILL BE IN ZONE 5.

I WILL VISIT ZONE 13.

LET GO.

GET THE MISSILE.

THAT'S A JOKE.

KNOCK IT OFF.

JUST STICK TO THE PLAN.

IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,

DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID TO

THE LOCAL NEWS.

WE ARE GOING TO GETNESS

GIRLS WHERE IT HURTS THE

MOST.

>> HEY, THERE FELLOW

GIRLSCOUTS.

>> HEY, I'M JUST HERE TO

PICK UP MY GIRLSCOUT

COOKIES.

[KARATE NOISES].

[LAUGHTER].

>> I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN

COMES TOGETHER.

>> I LOVE YOU SO [BLEEP]

MUCH BABY.

>> WE WILL WORK ON THAT

LATER.

YOU'RE STILL HERE.

THREE DEAD BODIES, NO

COOKIES MISSING, JUST

DOESN'T ADD UP.

WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, THAT'S JUST CRUEL.

THEY STOLE EVERYTHING BUT

THE [BLEEP] OIL.

THIS GUY REALLY IS THE

MASTER OF THE GREEN SCREEN.

* *

* *

>> LIKED THEM BETTER WHEN

THEY WERE CALLED CARAMEL

DELIGHTS.

[APPLAUSE]

TOSH: AND TO BE CLEAR, A

JUDGE HAD TO RELEASE HER

INTO MY CUSTODY FOR 24 HOURS

TO SHOOT THAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST IT'S TIME FOR ONE

OF YOUR LEAST FAVORITE

SEGMENTS THE ULTIMATE NAME

DROP.

>> [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

>> [BLEEP].

>> I KNOW ED I NO KNOCKERS.

HE PUT HIS HAND IN MY FACE.

I'M ANNIE'S COUSIN.

[BLEEP].

>> THIS IS A FREE [BLEEP]

COUNTRY.

>> I'LL NOT YOUR [BLEEP]

OUT.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

>> HERE YOU GO.

>> LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO

MISS THE ENTIRE TWO-GAME

SEASON.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO

SECTION I UP SPORTS BY

HAVING THEM PLAY THEM.

THERE'S LINGERIE FOOTBALL,

FOSCHI BOXING AND STRIPPER

GOLF BUT LATEIS HAVE NOTHING

TO MASTURBATES TO WHILE

WATCHING SPORTS.

THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE

BOMB -- BOTTOMLESS

BASKETBALL LEAGUE.

[APPLAUSE]

TOSH: IT'S ALWAYS TOUGH

PLAYING AGAINST THAT CAST.

>> LOOKING AT YOURSELF

ENGINE, OUGHT I FILL HAS

SOME INTERESTING RESULTS.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M WEIRD

SEXUALLY?

HOW DO I KNOW IF THE PORN

I'M LOOKING AT IS TOO WEIRD?

HOW WEIRD IS TOO WEIRD

PORN-WISE?

HOW DO I UNSEE PORN THAT I

SAW ACCIDENTALLY?

HOW DO I STOP PORN-RELATED

NIGHT TRORS?

-- TERRORS?

HOW DO I KNOW IF THE PORN I

WATCHED IS HAUNTED?

HOW COME I CAN'T LAUGH

ANYMORE?

TOSH: THAT IS A GOOD

REMINDER FOR EVERYONE DURING

THIS NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK

TO MAKE SURE YOUR BROWSER IS

ON PRIVACY MODE.

PARAGRAPH

[APPLAUSE]

DOES ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY

THE NEW HALO FOUR WITH ME?

MY GAMER TAG IS I ACTUALLY

HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH WOMEN.

NEXT WEEK I BREAK MY RULE

ABOUT TALK TO GO CAB

DRIVERS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I'M CATCH YOU DAVE IN MY

BLACK AND YELLOW CAB.

YEAH.

UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I'M TAXI DAVE, TAXI DAVE IN

MY BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK

AND YELLOW CAB.

TOSH: THAT WENT ON FOR SIX

MORE MINUTES.

CHECK OUT OUR BLOG WHICH

QUITE FRANKLY HAS BEEN A

DISAPPOINTING REVENUE

STREAM.

I'M CONSIDERING ADDING A

POCKET WATCH THAT WAS

ENGRAVED WITH MY INITIALS

AND TONIGHT'S SPOILER ALERT

IS AS FOLLOWS: CONNIE IS

GAY.

I DECIDED THE BEST WAY TO

FIX PEOPLES EATING HABITS IS

REPLACE THEIR SNACKS WITH

POISON UNTIL THOSE ANIMALS

WERE AFRAID TO EAT ANYTHING.

FIRST I SET UP A CAMERA IN

OUR KITCHEN AND PUT OUT

FANCY DOG TREATS.

MY STAFF WILL EAT ANYTHING

IF YOU SET IT ON A NICE

PLATE.

THAT GUY'S FAVORITE COOKIE

IN THE WORLD IS A FIGURE

NEWTON.

-- FIG NEWTON.

THAT THE ONE OF OUR EDITORS.

SHE'S CHEWING IT, PROCESSING

IT.

YOU THINK THIS GUY COULD

HANDLE THIS.

NOPE.

THAT'S COMING OUT.

THEN THERE'S RICKY.

OH, RICK.

I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU,

RICKY.

HE'S TAKING A BITE OF IT,

AND HE'S LIKE OH, THAT'S NOT

BAD.

LET ME GET ONE MORE OF

THOSE.

I LIKE THAT HE SHAKES HIS

HEAD HERE BEFORE HE HAS A

THIRD.

THAT'S A THIRD DOG TREAT.

HIS COAT IS GOING TO LOOK

AMAZING.

NEXT, FOR REASONS THAT DON'T

CONCERN YOU, I OWN A BOTTLE

OF STRAWBERRY FLAVORED

SPRAY.

I SQUIRTED IT INTO MY

FRIEND'S WATER BOTTLE.

LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICES.

[LAUGHTER].

>> HE SAID IT TAITH LIKE

PROPEL, SO CONGRATULATIONS.

OFFICE MORALE IS AT A LOW.

TO SEE THE REST OF THIS

EPISODE, FLIP OVER TO BBC

AMERICA.

CHEERS.

[APPLAUSE]

TOSH: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

THE BOY SCOUTS NOT ALLOWING

GAY PEOPLE IN THEIR

ORGANIZATION?

>> THEY DON'T?

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD

DO.