Original subtitles

>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY.

>> OH!

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU (BLEEP) UP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU OKAY, PUMPKIN?

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

I'M NOT DRESSED AS A HOT GUY

FOR HALLOWEEN.

IT IS MY OVERPRICED CONCERT

TEE WITH SEXY STUBBLE.

THIS WEEK WE ARE FEATUREING

DEAD MOUSE.

MOST OF HIS SONGS ARE A SLOW

BUILD AND WE CAN'T AFFORD TO

WAIT FOR THE DROP.

A CLUB KID OUT OF ORLANDO.

I HOPE HE SUES DISNEY OR

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO SMELL THE

INSIDE OF THAT MOUSE HEAD.

FORTUNAAELY, FOR YOU THIS IS

OUR HALLOWEEN EPISODE.

WHICH MEANS, OOH, OUR REALLY

GROSS VIDEOS.

INSTEAD OF ONE REALLY GROSS

VIDEO.

THAT IS 100% GROSSER.

I REDEEM THIS CREEPY CAST KNOW

VACHLT I GIVE YOU SNEAK PEEK

AT MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

I NEED YOU GGYS TO HELP ME

CATCH A MONSTER.

LET'S SEE WHY IT IS ALWAYS

-pUNLUCKY TO BE UNDER A LADDER.

PHOENIX FOR HALLOWEEN.IN

(LAUGHTER)

IN HIS DEFENSE, THERE WASN'T A

DO NOT SWING A 40-POUND

PUMPKIN FROM THE TOP RUNG

WARNING STICKER.

I TRIED TO DO A MINI VERSION

OF THAT WITH A STEP-STOOL AND

A GOURD.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY HE IS SO

JUMPY.

HE GOT HIS BALLS LOPPED OFF

FIVE YEARS AGO.

THIS NEXT PERSON, GOD REST IS

SOUL THANKFULLY, SPRANG FOR

THE DELUXE FUNERAL PACKAGE.

IT IS NICE TO SEE THAT NEW

EDITION IS STILL GETTING GIGS.

MUST BE FROM THAT SHOW "SO YOU

THINK YOU CAN PALLBEAR."

* DON'T YOU KNOW, THAT IS

SOUND OF THE MAN... *

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO

GET IN THE THUG MANSION.

YOU KNOW THERE IS A DEAD CHILD

IN THERE.

HEY, I WAS A LIITLE LATE TO

THAT FUNERAL.

I STILL MANAGED TO PAY MY

RESPECTS.

>> ASHES TO ASHES.

>> IT'S WHAT HE WOULD HAVE

WANTED.

HERE IS HOW YOU CELEBRATE

EATING AN ENTIRE 72-OUNCE

STEAK.

>> SO MUCH PRESSURE.

IT HURTS SO BAD.

>> HIS DOODY MUST BE USING

APPLE MAPS TO FIID ITS WAY

OUT.

HOW ABOUT A COURTESY FLUSH,

(BLEEP) FOR BRAINS?

DO I HAVE ANY POOP IN MY

TEETH?

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD GET

HIM SOME SCOPE OR A ROLL OF

TOILET PAPER.

(BLEEP).

>> OH, MY GOD.

CARL'S JR. WOULD FORM THAT

INTO A PATTY, SLATHHR IT IN

GUAC AND FORCE A SUPERMODEL TO

(BLEEP) IT.

OR YOU PEOPLE EAST OF THE

MISSISSIPPI, JUST CHANGE THAT

LAST JOKE TO HARDEE'S.

NOW WE ARE ALL LAUGHING

TOGETHER.

OKAY.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING CUTT ON

THE INTERNET ANYMORE?

LIKE A MANLY MAN TEACHING A

WOLF CUB TO HOWL?

(HOWLING)

>> KRISTEN STEWART CHEATED ON

THAT WOLF, TOO.

BECAUSE SHE IS A WHORE.

A HOME-WRECKING WHORE.

NEVER FORGET.

THEY REALLY MISSED THE BOAT BY

NOT NAMING HALLOWEEN

HOWL-O-WWEN.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

DRACULA GIVES YOU A HICKEY.

>> ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE

PART THE DOCTOR SAID YOU COULD

DO AT HOME?

I GUESS OBAMACARE DOESN'T

COVER GIANT NECK (BLEEP).

A LITTLE SUMMER'S EVE SHOULD

CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.

NOW, WHO IS IN THE MOOD FOR A

LITTLE HALLOWEEN TRICK?

(LAUGHTER)

* TA-DA.

THERE WAS ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE

A IN THERE.

AND A JACK OF DIAMONDS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

CONGRATULATIONS.

NOW YOU HAVE FOUR SMALL LOGS

LET'S SEE WHY THERE'S NOTHING

MORE EMBARRASSIIG THAN FAILING

YOUR ADULT KARATE RECITAL IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHERE DO KARATE GUYS GET THEIR

WOOD?

LIKE, IS THAT A WWOLES CAN

SALE THING?

THERE ARE SO MANY REAL WORLD

APPLICATIONS FOR THIS ABILITY.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOUR BABY COULD

BE STUCK INSIDE A LOGUE TRRP

THAT'S EXACTLY AT SHIN HEIGHT.

WHAT YOU GONE ACTION CALL?

OOH, I'VE DONE THHT ON MY

COFFEE TABLE.

SMART MOVE.

BLAME THE HOLDER.

THAT IS WHAT RAY FINKLE DID.

ALL RIGHT.

WHO IS THE WISE GUY WHO

SWITCHED OUR NORMAL SHIN LOGS

WITH MAPLE?

OKAY NO, BIG DEAL.

TRY KICKING HARDER.

SHINS ARE VERY RESILIENT.

YOU CAN JUST WAVE IT ASIDE?

THAT SEEMS WAY EASIER.

IT HAS TO BE EMBARRASSING TO

FAIL SOMETHING STEVEN SEGAL

MASTERED.

JETER BROKE HIS LEG DOING A

LOT LESS.

(BLEEP).

HOPEFULLY, THAT LAST LOG WHICH

IS THE EXACT SSME SIZE WILL

-pGIVE.

IF OTHER NINJAS MUST BE SO

EMBARRASSED.

SOMEONE PUT HIM OUT OF HIS

MISERY.

TWO OUT F FIVE.

I THOUGHT ONLY COWBOY FANS

CHEERED LIKE ASS HOLES FOR A

LOSING RECORD.

FOR HAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THIS

CHUBBY LITTLE PANTY DROPPER.

BUT FIRST, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED

TO SHOW YOU HOW THIS VIDEO

ENDS.

>> LOOK INTO MY EYESS

YOU WILL SEE.

(LAUGHTER)

I DO IT FOR YOU.

>> DON'T LET THE HORRENDOUS

SINGING DISTRACT YOU FROM THE

FACT THAT THERE IS A

13-YEAR-OLD WEARING A TOMMY

BAHAMA SHIRT.

HE THOUGHT THE BEST WAY TO WOO

THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WAS TO

MUMBLE A TUNE FROM THE ROBIN

HOOD SOUNDTRACK.

BRYAN ADAMS WOULD BE ROLLING

OVER IN HIS GRAVE IF HE HEARD.

THAT HE IS DEAD, RIIHT?

TOM IS PROOF THAT LIFE BETWEEN

YOUR FIRST BONER AND GETTING

YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE IS

MAGICAL.

REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU

TOUCHED A PAIR OF BOOB THAT IS

WEREN'T YOUR SISTER'S?

THE PROBLEM IS GIRLS MATURE

FASTER THAN BOYS.

BLACK GUYS ALWAYS REMEMBER

THEIR FIRST CRUSH.

YOU CAN'T FORGET SOMEONE WHEN

YOU LEGALLY HAVE TO WRITE THEM

A CHECK EVERY SINGLE MONTH.

WHEN YOU ARE A KID, LOVE IS SO

EXCITING AND NEW.

YOU CAN CHASE LITTLE GIRLS ON

THE PLAYGROUND AND HOLD THEIR

SKIRTS UP WITHOUT BECOMING A

REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.%

THAT IS WHY I FLEW TOM TO

HOLLYWOOD WHERE EVERYONE IS IN

LOVE WITH THEMSELVES.

FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS TRULY PAINFUL.

COME ON.

NEXT UP, DOING SOME ROMANTIC

DUETS WITH YOURS TRULY.

GIVE IT UP FOR TOM!

COME ON!

YOU READY TO ROCK THIS PUPPY?

* SUMMER LOVIN', HAVING A

BLAST *

* SUMMER LOVIN', HAPPENED SO

FAST *

* SAW YOU YESTERDAY WITH AN

OLD FRIEND *

* I GOT YOU BABE, I GOT YOU

BABE *

* AIN'T NOTHING BUT A GANGSTER

PARTY *

>> OKAY.

DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM.

TOM, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 13.

>> ARE YOU BIG FOR YOUR AGE?

>> A ITTLE.

>> YOU SEEM BIG FOR 30.

ARE YOU FAN OF BRYAN ADAMS?

MOST 13-YEAR-OLDS AREN'T

FAMILIAR WITH BRYAN ADAMS'

MUSII.

I'M NOT LIKE MOST FANS.

>> NAME ANOTHER SONG.

>> "SUMMER OF '69."

>> TELL ME WHY YOU MADE THE

VIDEO AND...

MY FRIEND TOLD ME SHE LOVED

IT.

>> DO YOU THINK SHE HAS

FEELINGS TOWARD YOU AT ALL?

>> I HAVE NO IDEA.

>> IS THAT WHY YOU ARE GROWING

THE MUSTACHE.%

>> YEAH, A ITTLE.

>> NICE.

YOU THINK YOU WILL ALWAYS LOVE

HER.

>> DEEP DOWN, PROBABLY.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER KNOW HOW

THE FUTURE WILL TURN OUT.

>> YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW IT'S

GOING TO TURN OUT?

>> HOW?

>> DEPRESSING.

HOW MANY TAKES DID YOU DO?

>> 30 FOR EACH SCENE.

>> BOY, LET'S STOP THERE.

30 TAKES PER SCENE?

SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THERE IS

A MUCH WORSE VERSION OF THIS

THAT YOU COULD HAVE PUT OUT?

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT'S THE NUMBER ONE THING

YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE?

>> HOW MUCH THEY ACTUALLY

CARE.

>> HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

PSYCHOLOGY?

>> ENOUGH TO GET BY IN LIE.

>> WHERE DO YOU THINK A GOOD

PLACE TO MEET WOMEN IS?

>> IT DEPENDS ON THE SCENARIO.

>> YOU ARE SPEAKING IN VAGUE

CLICHES.

FAVORITE MOVIE?

>> BATTLESHIP.

MOVIE?TLESHIP YOUR FAVORITE

>> YES.

>> I HAD SO MUCH RESPECT FOO

YOU FOR THIS ENTIRE INTERVIEW.

RIGHT NOW IF YOUR FATHER

WASN'T SITTING OVER THERE, I

WOULD ATTACK YOU.

IF.

>> IT IS ABOUT THE NAVY.

>> IT IS ABOUT A STUPID WAR

GAME THAT EVERY KID CHEATED

AT.

>> HOW ABOUT FLIRTING WITH

YOUR FRIENDS?

>> THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA.

>> DO OFF JOB IN.

>> NO.

>> HOW DO YOU PLAN ON TAKING

HER OUT ANYWAY?

>> THE MONEY I GET FOR THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> NICE WE ARE CONTRIBUTING.

YOU ARE NOT A SUPER-STRONG

VOCALIST.

WE WILL COME UP WITH A NEW

APPROACH.

>> FAIR ENOUGH.

>> I WANT WITNESSED WHEN HER

YOU READY TO WIN HER BACK?

>> YES.

>> WOMEN LOVER A SENSE OF

HUMOR.

SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

>> DO SOME YOUR MOMMA JOKES.

>> I CAN'T USE THIS ONE.

>> TRY A DIFFERENT ONE.

>> YOUR MOM ACTION IS SO DUMB

SHE PUTS ON BUG SPRAY BEFFRE

SHE GOES TO THE FLEA MARKET.

NEEDS A MACH-500 RAZOR.

>> NONE OF THIS IS WORKING,

DAN.

>> SHOW HER HOW STRONG AND

ASSERTIVV YOU ARE.

>> IF YOU DON'T COME DOWN HERE,

I'M GOING TO MURDER YOUR

FAMILY.

>> WAY TOO ASSERTIVE.

WHY ARE YOU GROWLING?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

NONE OF THIS IS WORKING.

NO GIRLS CAN RESIST A SEXY

VAMPIRE.

(LAUGHTER)

COUNT CHOCULA WORKS.

TAKE THESE.

YOU ARE GOING TO NEED THEM..3

DON'T FORGET TO SHOW YOU THE

SUGARY CARBS.

NICE..3

>> IT'' A TRAP!

RUN!

>> THIS IS ALL A BIG

MISUNDERSTOODING.

THIS IS NOT HELPING.

IS IT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> AND IF YOU ARE WONDERING

HOW THAT VAMPIRE SURVIVED IN

THE DAYLIGHT, COUNT CHOCULA IS

A BREAKFAST VAMPIRE.

MAN, IF YOU THINK THAT WAS THE

ENDING I WANTED TO DO, YOU

DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

INSTALLMENT OF STREET JUSTICE.

(BLEEP) E(BLEEP)

(BLEEP) (BLEEP) (CHEERS AND

APPLAUSE)

>> CASE CLOSED.

(SCREAMING).

>> SO I GUESS IT'S OKAY TO

NOW.H EVOLUTION IN SCHOOLS

YOU LIBERALS.

LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO

BE FOR HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

SCARING MY DOGS WAS NOT NEARLY

AS REWARDING AS I WAS HOPING.

BUT I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT I

KNOW A PLACE WHERE EVERYONE

WILL BE TERRIFIED.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

THAT SUIT COST FIVE GRAND TO

RENT.

I'M NOT GETTING A TICKET FOR

JAYWALKING, TOO.

>> BOOM, BOOM.

OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE

FLOOR.

EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR.

>> IT DOESN'T DO AS MUCH.

>> DID YOU MAKE IT?

KEEP COMING.

KEEP COMING.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT.

YOU GOT, LIKE, SIX ARM

LENGTHS.

GOOD.

PERFECT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME

TO POSE WITH YOU?

I'M A CELEBRITY IN A DINOSAUR

COSTUME.

YOU ALL HAD YOUR EYES CLOSED.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> MY ARMS DON'T REACH.

>> DINOSAUR SPERM IS

PRICELESS.

TAKING MY BUSINESS TO THAI

TOWN.

THEY NEVER SAY NO IN THAI

TOWN.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG,

UPLOAD A CLIP FOR OUR VIDEOS.

AMANDA MONAHAN IS THE WIN THEY

ARE EEK.

>> HI.

I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO TAPE

MYSELF FOR YOU.

AIN'T I A PRETTY GIRL, MOMMA?

(LAUGHTER)

>> NICOLE KIDMAN USED TO BE SO

BEAUTIFUL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

FRIDAY NIGHT STAND-UP WITH

GREG GIRALDO.

>> WELCOME BACK.

YOU ALL HAVE LESS THAN 24

HOURS TO FINISH SHOVING RAZOR

BLADES INTO YOUR APPLES.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, I

REDEEM A HARDENED CRIMINAL WHO

RIPPED OFF A SWEET INNOCENT

GIRL SCOUT.

>> READY MUCH WE SAW THE GIRL

SCOUTS WITH THEIR LITTLE TABLE.

ME AND MY FRIEND WERE, LIKE,

LET'S GET THAT MONEY IN THE

ENVELOPE.

>> WHY DID YOU DO IT?

>> WHO DOESN'T LIKE SUN IN I

MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

>> THAT CHICK IS FLORIDA AS

(BLEEP).

TWITTER, BLOG, STORE, TOUR,

CHARITY.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU A VERY

DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL.

SOME MIGHT CALL THEM ANN3

INTERNET TERRORIST.

HE IS BEST KNOWN ON-LINE AS

THE YELLOW PEE-PEE MONSTER.

THIS LUNATIC GOES FROM

BATHROOM TO BATHROOM SPRAYING

EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE WITH

HIS URINE.

HE HAS ANONYMOUSLY POOED

HUNDREDS OF VIDEOS.

HERE HE IS AT A BOSTON MARKET.

DON'T LAUGH.

THIS FUGITIVE HAS BEEN AT IT

FOR YEARS.

NO ONE HAS EVER CAUGHT HIM.

HE APPEARS TO HAAE A VERY

VITAMIN-RICH DIET.

WATCH WHAT HE DOES TO A

BATHROOM AT THE CONTAINER

STORE.

I'M SAYING "HE," BUT THAT

MIGHH BE A WOMAN.

NO NEED TO PROFILE.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE HE IS AT HIS MOST

DIABOLICAL.

COME ON.

NOT THE CLEANING SUPPLIES.

MEXICAN LADIES HAVE TO TOUCH%

THOSE.

HIS YELLOW RAIN OF TERROR MUST

BE STOPPED.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU GUYS TO

HELP ME.

IF OU SEE ANYONE DRINKING A

SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT OF LIQUID,

PLEASE E-MAIL THE SHOW.

DO NOT APPROACH THE SUBJECT.

HIS GLADDER IS EXTREMELY FULL

YOU MIGHT BE SITTING ACROSS

FROM THE YELLOW PEE-PEE

MONSTER AS WE SPEAK.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS WEEK, BIG-FOOT DIES.

FINALLY, YOU WILL BE SHOT ON

pIGHT IF YOU ATTEMPT TO TRICK

OR TREAT ON MY PROPERTY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

GOOD NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ARE YOU A GOOD STUDENT?

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT IS YOUR WEAKEST

SUBJECT?

>> SCIENCE.

>> PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M

STUBBORN.

>> YOU DON'T BELIEVE THE ANY

OF THE SCIENCE?

>> A LITTLE BIT OF IT.

>> SOME OF IT?

>> YEAH.