Original subtitles

>> WHOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: DYING IS A THREE-POINT

DEDUCTION.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT TEE

WITH SEXY STUBBLE IS CAPTAIN

MURPHY.

MMM.

THEY'RE SO UNDERGROUND.

HAD A CONCERT T DESIGNED FOR

THEM.

I RE DEEMED THIS DIRTY DANCER

AND PROVE DEMOCRACY SUCKS

BECAUSE IT ALLOWS YOU IDIOTS TO

HAVE A VOICE.

ON DEGREE OF DIFFICULT ALONE I

RESPECT THIS GUY.

THAT'S ASKING A LOT FROM YOUR

COAT RACK.

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH

MORE CHALK.

ROCKSTAR ENERGY HAS A SMALLER

STUNT BUDGET THAN REDBULL.

BY THE WAY, THAT'S RANKED NUMBER

ONE ON SUNSET MAGAZINE'S LIST OF

MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES TO COMMIT

SUICIDE.

SEEMS ELABORATE BUT TO EACH HIS

OWN.

THAT WASN'T JUST A STUPID BIT,

IT WAS ALSO CRIES FOR HELP.

I'M EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.

SERIOUS QUESTION, CAN DOGS GET

PUT DOWN FOR DATE RAPE?

IT'S SO AWKWARD HOOKING UP WITH

YOUR BEST FRIEND.

NEXT HE CAN TAKE THEM OUT FOR A

WALK OF SHAME.

I LOVE BESTIALITY PORN.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN TURNER AND

COOCH?

WHAT ABOUT RIM TIN TIN?

AIR BUTT?

GAYTHOVEN.

MARLEE AND PEE.

THE MARMDUKKAKE.

MUST LOVE DOGS AND ANAL.

DOGGY PORN IS A TREAT AND I'M

THE ONLY ONE GETTING OFF ON IT.

YOU CAN TELL A LOT FROM A PERSON

FROM THE BAGGAGE THEY CARRY.

LOOKS LIKE ELIZA DUSHKU'S BACK

IN TOWN.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

A BIG BLACK WEAPON LIKE THAT CAN

NEVER BE A CARRY-ON.

GREAT.

IT GOT SCUFFED UP.

THANKS, UNITED.

YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU CAN'T JUST

FINGER YOURSELF TWO DAYS IN

TAHOE?

IT'S GOT TO COME.

ACTUALLY IF YOU WANT TO GET

TECHNICAL BASED ON COLOR I'M

CONFIDENT THIS WAS A SOUTHWEST

FLIGHT.

WHERE GIANT BLACK DILDOS FLY

FREE.

NOT MINE.

I'D TIE RED AROUNDAROUND MINE.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.

I MIGHT HAVE OVER PACKED BUT YOU

NEVER KNOW WHERE THE DAY WILL

TAKE

YOU GET IT THREE WEEK UNTIL WE

SAY KANYE IN THESE SENSIBLE

SHOES.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT WOMEN

COULDN'T MOVE ANY SLOWER.

I'D LIKE TO YOU MEET MY

GIRLFRIEND.

HE'S A BALLERINA WITH GOUT.

IF YOU GET PAST THE FACT SHE

LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TO TAKE A

DUMP IT'S AN ALLURING POSE.

IT WILL BE DIFFICULT FOR HER TO

BRING ME MY SANDWICH.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[BLEEP] SCREW WAITING TWO

SECONDS.

THE STAIRS WON'T BE THERE

FOREVER.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY I HOPE I DIE

BEFORE I GET OLD IN THE WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT COMMUNITY

COLLEGE WHERE KIDS WHO CAN'T GET

INTO A STATE SCHOOL SHARE CAMPUS

WITH OLD PEOPLE WHO WANT TO

LEARN COMPUTERS.

LOOK THAT THE HIPSTER FRESHMAN

ONE STRAP IN A JANSPORT.

GAM, GAM, DOWN.

MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPEN

FRIDAY YOU WEREN'T 45 YEARS LATE

TO CLASS.

HOW MANY OF YOU THINK THE SWEET

DEFENSELESS OLD WOMAN IS A VICK?

YOU'RE WRONG.

TO ME SHE'S A DUSTY OLD DRIED

OUT [BLEEP] AND I CAN PROVE IT.

LET'S EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE FRAME

BY FRAME.

HE'S ABOUT TO SKATE AROUND HER

WHEN SHE GOES QUICK AND TO THE

RIGHT.

QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT.

QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT.

THAT CRAZY BITCH WANTED TO GET

HIT.

CASE CLOSED.

GOOD IDEA.

THERE'S NO WAY CAMPUS SECURITY

IS GOING TO SEE THINGS OUR WAY.

SHE IS SURPRISED.

I'D RUN TOO FROM HERE THAT LOOKS

LIKE RIC FLAIR.

>> WHOA.

>> SHE'S ACTIVATED HER OLD MAN

STRENGTH.

>> YOU ARE.

STOP IT.

>> YOU [BLEEP].

NICKEL IN THE SWEAR JAR, NANA.

I HOPE YOU DON'T KISS YOUR MOM

WITH THAT GUTTER MOUTH.

I'M NOT SURE HOW PROFITABLE HER

INSURANCE SCAM WOULD HAVE BEEN

AGAINST THE SKATER ANY HOW.

WHAT'S HE WORTH BE AN iPOD

TOUCH?

WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE

REDEMPTION AND I HEARD YOUR

HAVING A POOL PARTY.

GREAT.

CAN I BRING MY JETSKI?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I'M AT THE DENVER BRONCOS

CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS TO BE THE

FIRST MALE BRONCOS

CHEERLEADER...

EVER.

NO MALE HAS EVER MADE IT THROUGH

AUDITION.

I DON'T EVEN NO IF A MALE MADE

IT TO AUDITION.

I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.

I GAVE ALL I GOT AND I JUST

DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT.

>> Tosh: I HEARD YOU GOT TO BE A

REAL SLUT TO MAKE THE BRONCOS

CHEERLEADING TEAM.

THAT POM-POM PRINCESS SASHA AND

HE'S NOT GOING LET HIS SHLONG

GET NAT WAY.

HE'S BRAVE.

EVERYBODY IN THAT CITY IS INSANE

AND THE ALTITUDE IS ABOUT TO

MAKE PEYTON MANNING'S FOREHEAD

EXPLODE.

IF THEY HIRED SASHA THEY'D HAVE

TO HIRE HIM TWICE AS MUCH

BECAUSE MEN CAN DO A FULL DAY'S

WORK IN THE TIME IT TAKES A

WOMAN TO TELL A CO-WORKER ABOUT

HER WEEKEND AND IF IT WEREN'T

FOR MEN THE PLANET WOULD BE

OVERRUN WITH SPIDERS.

I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

NOW WOMEN FORCE US TO GO TO

COUPLES THERAPY IF WE DON'T

REPLY TO THEIR TEXT FAST ENOUGH.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO REAL MEN LEFT

IN THE WORLD, LUMERJACKS AND

LIAM NEESON.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS JUST A WOOS

WITH A MACBOOK.

AM I LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE I SIT

DOWN TO PEE AND WEAR MAKE UP

MORE.

I GUARANTEE I BANG MORE CENTER

FOLDS THAN ANY OF YOU.

HE'S NOT AFRAID TO DANCE AND

CHEER AND THAT MAKES HIM A MAN

IN MY BOOK SO I BROUGHT HIM TO

L.A.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

HERE IS YOUR CHECK.

IF YOU LEAVE A BIG TIP I'LL LET

YOU PUT YOUR TIP ANYWHERE YOU'D

LIKE.

I GOT DOUBLE SACKS.

>> IT'S ME SASHA.

>> HEY, GLAD YOU CAN COME.

I WANT YOU KNOW I KNOW WHAT IT

FEELS LIKE TO BE DISCRIMINATED

AGAINST.

I HAVE SMALL BESTS.

>> GET BACK TO WORK.

>> Tosh: SUCK MY [BLEEP].

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> DENVER, COLORADO.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE

SPORTS FANS?

>> I'D SAY AM BECAUSE WHEN THE

GUYS ARE PLAYING AND THE GAME IS

HAPPENING --

>> Tosh: YOU GET EXCITED?

>> YEAH.

I GET EXCITED WHEN WE SCORE A

TOUCHDOWN.

>> Tosh: WHY DID YOU WANT TO

BECOME A BRONCOS CHEERLEADER.

>> I REALIZED WE DON'T HAVE A

MALE PRESENCE OUT THERE CHEERING

FOR THE TEAM.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE

DANCER?

>> WHEN I DANCE --

>> Tosh: MM-HMM.

>> I LOSE MYSELF.

>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL YOU WERE

SNUBBED BECAUSE OF YOUR

GENITALIA.

>> NO, I'VE ONLY BEEN DANCING

TWO MONTHS.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOING TO TRY

OUT TO OR THE DENVER BRONCOS

NEXT YEAR?

TAKE AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE WITH

THIS QUESTION.

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

>> Tosh: YOU SHOULDN'T AND

HERE'S WHY, YOU WEREN'T VERY

GOOD.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MIGHT

THINK I AM NOT AT THE LEVEL OF

THE GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN DANCING

SINCE THEY WERE THREE YEARS OLD

--

>> Tosh: WELL THAT'S WHAT IT

TAKES TO BECOME A DENVER BRONCOS

CHEERLEADER.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE UPPER

ECHELON.

IF YOU WANT TO CHEER FOR J.V.

SQUAD BUT THEY'RE TOP OF THE

CLASS.

>> YOU'RE POKING MY DREAMS HERE.

>> Tosh: OF COURSE, I HAVE TO

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE

SOMEONE LIKE ME WHAT'S GOING TO

INSPIRE YOU?

>> I GOTCHA.

YOU'RE LIKE THE BULLY.

>> Tosh: NO, I'M LIKE THE

FATHER.

WHAT WAS YOUR PASSION BEFORE

DANCE?

>> VIDEO PRODUCTION.

>> Tosh: BEFORE THAT.

>> VIDEO.

>> Tosh: BEFORE THAT.

>> MY MOTHER.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

WHAT DID YOUR FATHER THINK OF

THIS VIDEO?

>> HE WAS VERY SURPRISED BY WHAT

I'M DOING.

IT'S NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED FOR

HIS SON.

>> Tosh: HE WAS SHOCKED.

>> HE WAS SHOCKED.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

AND YOUR MOM, WHAT DID SHE THINK

OF IT?

>> SHE ALSO A BIT LIKE SHOCKED.

>> Tosh: WHO WILL ALL THESE

PEOPLE THAT WILL SHOCKED.

IT SEEMS LIKE A COMPLETE PART OF

YOUR PERSONALITY.

OUTRAGEOUS, GOING FOR.

>> EXACTLY.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

>> Tosh: JUST GETTING TONS OF

[BLEEP] IN THE PROCESS.

>> I LIKE TO CALL THEM MY

SISTERS.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

WERE YOU HONESTLY SHOCKED YOU

DIDN'T GET PICKED?

>> IN MY HEART IT WAS LIKE, UGL.

>> Tosh: DON'T YOU WANT PEOPLE

TO LEARN?

>> I THINK ANYBODY CAN BE A

CHEERLEADER.

>> Tosh: EXCEPT FOR YOU?

>> IF THEY WORK HARD AT IT.

>> Tosh: LISTEN, THERE ARE NO

GLASS CEILINGS FOR MEN.

WE'RE THE ONES THAT INSTALLED

THEM.

FORGET ABOUT THE DENVER BRONCOS

BECAUSE I GOT YOU A GIG WITH THE

WORLD FAMOUS PUSSYCAT DOLLS.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN THE LIKED

OF FLICK OLE SHER ZINGER.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

>> I'M EXCITED.

>> Tosh: I CAN TELL.

TONIGHT IS A TREAT YOU HAVE THE

PUSSYCAT DOLLS AND THE FIRST

EVER PUSSILESS PUSSYCAT DOLL.

THE WORLD WANT TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO WATCH MY BOY SASHA GIVE

IT ANOTHER SHOT?

[APPLAUSE]

[***]

[***]

[***]

>> Tosh: PERFECT.

GREAT NEWS, SASHA, JUST GOT OFF

THE PHONE WITH THE NEW YORK JETS

AND THEY WANT YOU!

>> AS A CHEERLEADER?

>> Tosh: NO, AS A QUARTERBACK.

THEY'RE UP A CREEK.

I STILL SAY HE'S A SURGERY AWAY

FROM VARSITY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

SECURITY GUARD EVERETT'S VIDEO

OF WEEK.

>> WHAT MY NAME IS.

LET ME HEAR YOU.

EVERYBODY SAY, I SAID BUM, BUM,

BUM, BUM.

I SAID, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM.

LET ME HEAR YOU SAY, BUM, BUM,

BUM, BUM, BUM.

SAY WHO, WHO, WHO.

>> WHERE YOU AT?

>> OKAY, HERE WE GO.

MY MOM'S SLEEP WALKING AND --

>> IT'S A SPECIAL CODE.

>> IS IT?

THE TOMATOE CAGE.

>> YEAH, IS IT SPECIAL THEN.

>> Tosh: I WISH I HAD VIDEO OF

MY MOM SLEEP WALKING BECAUSE SHE

SLEEPS NAKED.

BEAUTIF

BEAUTIFUL TITS

.

YOU KNOW MY BODY REQUIRES A

THREE-HOUR CATNAP SO I HAD IT

FILMED TO SEE IF I'M A SLEEP

WALKER.

>> Tosh: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE

BRUINS MY CROTCH.

IF I DIDN'T DO THIS DURING MY

NAP IT'D NEVER GET DONE.

OKAY, THAT'S A THREE-STAGE

REVERSE OSMOSIS FILTER.

IT SHOULD TASTE FINE.

IN MY DEFENSE, DO I THAT WHEN

I'M AWAKE.

I'M CUTTING THIS OUT OF THE

PIECE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE HIM DRINK

TUNA OIL.

THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT, GET A

SCREEN.

>> CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE

ENERGY BENEFITS OF TRIPLE-PANE

WINDOWS FOR YOUR HOME?

>> TOMATOE CAGE.

>> Tosh: SOMEONE LET MY DOGS

OUT.

OKAY.

I THINK WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

I'D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT IN MY

DREAMS THOSE KIDS WERE MUCH

CUTER AND LATINO.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE

FOR OUR VIEWER VIDEO THIS WEEK'S

VIDEO COMES TO US FROM JONATHAN

MARGOTTI.

>> WAY HOTTER THAN A NORMAL

ROOM.

>> HEY, HEY.

>> WHAT?

>> ARE YOU HOT?

>> YES.

>> IT'S HOT.

>> I CAN'T HAVE THIS

CONVERSATION.

IT'S TOO HOT.

>> Tosh: IN FAIRNESS THAT GUY

HAS A SWEATER ON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

SNAP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

DID YOU FAST FORWARD WITH THE

COMMERCIALS WITH TWO OR THREE

ARROWS AND IF YOU WENT FOUR

DON'T TALK TO ME BECAUSE YOU'RE

A LOOSE CANNON AND YOU'RE MAKING

US AL UNCOMFORTABLE.

I DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT

POLITICS BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM.

THE CANDIDATES HAVE FAILED TO

PAN DER TO YOU ONION LINE.

>> HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES AND PEOPLE STILL

HAVE TO SHOW HIM RESPECT.

>> ROMNEY, YOU SUCK!

>> I HAVE TO HAVE MY TEETH IN

WHEN I TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY.

>> THIS ECONOMY IS GOING

DOWNWARD.

>> YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT

THIS STUPID BUDGET.

STOP SHIFTING OUR FRICK'N MONEY

ACROSS THE OCEAN.

>> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS

MAKING KIDS GAY.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT REAL

AMERICA THINKS?

YOU NEED SOMEBODY NOT AFRAID TO

ANSWER THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.

DANIEL TOSH IS NOT CONTROLLED BY

SPECIAL INTEREST.

JUST VIACOM.

OKAY, ONE SPECIAL INTEREST.

BUT I'M A STRAIGHT SHOOTER AND

WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN TOWN HALL

DEBATE.

FIRST QUESTION.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> JULIO.

>> Tosh: I KNOW WHAT THE

QUESTION AS ABOUT BEFORE YOU

EVEN ASK IT, IMMIGRATION, RIGHT?

>> NO.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT INCREASING

FUNDING FOR THE SPACE PROGRAM.

>> Tosh: IMMIGRATION.

FOR STARTERS, I DON'T BELIEVE

SPACE EXISTS.

YOU'RE NOT GOING [BLEEP]ING

ATTACH A VACUUM TO THE ROOMBA

AND SEND IT TO MARS AND TELL ME

ANYTHING UNLESS MY DIRECT TV

SIGNAL'S STRONG.

>> HI, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: HI.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> LAURA.

>> Tosh: I'M GOING TO CALL YOU

HOT SAUCE.

NEXT QUESTION.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> JIMMY.

>> Tosh: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

YOU UNDECIDED?

THAT'S A JOKE, JIMMY.

OKAY.

SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?

ARE YOU GAY OR NOT?

>> Tosh: GREAT QUESTION.

THANKS FOR ASKING ANDBURY DODGE

-- BEFORE I DODGE IT AND LAST

WEEK I WAS WITH A SMALL BUSINESS

OWNER AND HE SAID THIS ECONOMY'S

CRUSHING THE MIDDLE CLASS.

I'M GOING CHANGE THE TONE OF MY

VOICE TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE MY

ANSWER'S WRAPPING UP AND NOW IT

HAS.

ONE LAST QUESTION.

>> HELLO, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: HMM.

>> DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE

BETTER OFF NOW THAN FOUR YEARS

AGO.

>> Tosh: PERHAPS YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND HOW RICH I'VE BECOME

OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

I HAVE AN ANCIENT OLIVE TREE

GROWING IN GLASS IN MY PALATIAL

HOME.

I THINK I'M DOING BETTER.

NEXT WEEK THIS KID GETS REDEEMED

FOR BEING LOVE SICK AND TONE

DEAF.

* LOOK INTO MY EYES *

* YOU'LL SEE WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME

*

>> Tosh: EVERY 50-YEAR-OLD'S

PANTIES JUST GOT A LITTLE MOIST.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND GO TO

OUR BLOG AND BUY STUFF ON OUR

TOUR AND HAPPY TO BRAG ABOUT MY

UPCOMING SHOW IN PORTLAND,

OREGON THE 25th AND HERE'S YOUR

BRICKLEBERRY SPOIL ALERT.

STAY TUNED FOR JIMMY FALLON.

>> HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED

TUCKING?

>> WHERE?

>> Tosh: BETWEEN YOUR LEGS SO

IT'S NOT HELD AGAINST YOU.

>> YOU THINK THE FACT THAT I'M A

MAN IS --