Original subtitles

[INDISCERNIBLE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: DIRT POOR AND BRAIN

DAMAGED.

MUST HAVE PLAYED IN THE NFL.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT TEE

COMES FROM THE GRUNGE AREA

I MIGHT CATCH FLACK FOR THIS BUT

I WANT TO GO ON RECORD SAYING

ALICE IN CHAINS WAS TEN TIMES

THE BAND NIRVANA EVER WAS.

OH, YEAH!

I REST MY CASE.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T ADJUST YOUR CONTRAST

SETTING.

IF MYSELFY STUBBLE SEEMS SEXIER

THAT'S BECAUSE I WENT TWO WEEKS

WITHOUT SHAVING.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S DOUBLE

STUBBLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> Tosh: TONIGHT WE GET OUR

HANDS DIRTY WITH MY FAVORITE

CHEF AND THE EROTIC VIDEO AND

LOOK AT THE MANLIEST SELFIES.

AND IF YOU CAN'T GET HOLD OF

AMBIEN, TRY LUNESTA.

LET'S GO OLD MAN, WE CAN'T START

BUILDING UNTIL EVERY BRICK IN

HAS BEEN TESTED.

AT LEAST HE DIED DOING WHAT HE

LOVED.

NOW, LET'S SEE WHY SEWING TWO

LIFE VESTS TOGETHER NEVER A

WASTE OF TIME.

WELL, THAT GUY JUST GOT HERNIA.

RIHANNA LOOKS GOOD.

NOT SURE HOW LIFEGUARDS CAN SAVE

THAT.

MIGHT HAVE TO TRY IT IN A BIGGER

OCEAN.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ONE

OF THOSE VIDEOS WHERE SHE

ATTACKS HER TRAINER.

THERE'S NO WAY IT'S BEEN 30

MINUTES SINCE HER LAST MEAL.

I'LL BE HONORED FOR HER TO JOIN

ANY ROWING TEAM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> JUST THE PEOPLE WHO CAN USE

THE RIGHT SIDE OF THEIR BODY.

>> Tosh: GREAT, NOW I'M A

COXSWAIN WITHOUT A CREW TO PUT

IT IN.

BESIDES THE FACT THE NEXT GUY

DRIVES THE TRUCK FOR A LIVING IN

THE ARMPIT OF THE COUNTRY, HE

SURE IS LUCKY.

>> Tosh: YOUR MOVE, BUCKLE UP

CAMPAIGN.

TR

TRANSVESTITE HOOKER WASN'T SO

FORTUNATE.

KILOMETERS.

EVERYONE IN RUSSIA IS A GYMNAST.

WHAT'S WITH THE BLANKET, LINUS.

LOOKS LIKE HIS COMMUNIST LIFE

FLASHED BEFORE HIS LIFE.

THIS IS MORE PORTRAIT STYLE.

YEAH, IT'S COMING FROM YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>>

>> Tosh: THE TWO BLACK BARS ARE

ANNOYING.

LADY, NEXT TIME YOU'RE SECRETLY

FILMING SOMEONE TURN YOUR PHONE

SIDE WAYS OR THE ONLY WAY TO

APPRECIATE IT IS TO TURN

EVERYTHING 90 DEGREES.

OKAY.

THAT'S BETTER.

HOPE YOU HAVE A FLEXIBLE

MOUNTAIN FOR YOUR FLAT SCREEN AT

HOME.

MAYBE WOOL PANTY WAS AS A BAD

IDEA.

LOOKS LIKE ANN CURRY MISSES MATT

LAUER.

SHE NEEDS MY NEW "TOSH.0"

FEMININE FUNK FIGHTERS.

IT'S GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU

SMELLING GREAT WHILE YOU

MENSTRUATE IN BABY VAGINA AND

NEW CAR SMELL.

LIKE THE ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION I

KNOW WHAT'S BET FOR YOUR COOTER.

I THINK WE CAN AGREE EGYPTIAN

ARCHITECTURE'S GONE TO [BLEEP]

SINCE THE PYRAMIDS.

CASTLES PUT MOST THEIR MONEY

INTO THEY'RE IMPENETRABLE WALLS.

HOPEFULLY HE FELL INTO A HUGE

PERSIAN BED FULL OF PILLOW AND

VIRGINS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> COME ON, MIKE!

COME ON!

>> Tosh: THANK GOD IT'S FINALLY

PIE SEASON.

NOW LET'S FIND OUT IF MIKEY

LIKES IT IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

PIE EATING CONTEST IS LIKE

BASEBALL AND MORBID OBESITY AND

HE HAS EXPERIENCE HANGING OVER

HIS BELT.

YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME INSTEAD

OF APPLE HOW ABOUT A BOILING HOT

CHICKEN POT PIE OR MY PERSONAL

FIVE, HAIR.

MMMMM.

>> GO, MIKE!

>> Tosh: FIVE SECONDS IN AND I

HATE EVERY ONE OF THEM.

I'D RATHER WATCH THE DIRECTOR'S

CUT OF PITCH PERFECT THEN WATCH

THESE DUMB DRUNKS.

SUCK THAT FISTFUL DOWN.

WHO INVITED THE PORN DIRECTOR?

THAT'S WHAT BINGE EATING 8,000

CALORIES OF HOT DESSERT LOOKS

LIKE.

YOU CAN SEE THE SAME FACE EVERY

DAY AT GOLDEN CORRAL.

COME ON, MIKE, PIE EATING

CONTESTS HAVE ONLY TWO RULES, NO

ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE OR BARFING.

EAT IT?

YOUR BODY JUST SAID NO TO PIE.

IT'S NOT GOING SAY YES TO PUKE.

>> EAT IT!

EAT IT!

>> Tosh: HE SHOULD HAVE LET THE

VOMIT COOL ON THE WINDOW SILL

FIRST.

STILL NOT AS GROSS THAT'S

HOOLIGANS WHAT EAT APPLE PIE

WITH A SLICE OF CHEDDAR CHEESE

ON TOP.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE?

THAT'S GROSS.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE'LL

DEFINITELY GET A PARTICIPATION

RIBBON.

THE ONLY LOSERS ARE THE STARVING

CHILDREN IN DEVELOPING NATIONS

AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU FIRST

GOOD-BYE TO THE DOGGIE STYLE

DAYS OF SUMMER.

>> AS YOU CAN SEE I DON'T HAVE

ANY ARMS.

TODAY WE'LL MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER

AND JELLY SANDWICH.

I USE A SPOON BECAUSE A KNIFE IS

TOO DANGEROUS.

GET A BIG GLOB OF PEANUT BUTTER

AND I'LL SPREAD IT ON MY BREAD.

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A PEANUT

BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH.

>> Tosh: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW

WHAT, I'M GOING ORDER A PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: THAT FUNKY TRUNK IS

TISHA AND SHE CAN ROCK A BET.

LIKE DEZ BRYANT SHE CAN DO

ANYTHING BUT CATCH A FOOTBALL.

I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

DISABLED INSTEAD OF HANDICAPPED

BUT HOW COME THEY WRITE

HANDICAPPED IN BIG BLUE LETTERS

IN EVERY PARKING LOT I'VE SEEN?

NO ONE DOES MORE THAN THE

HANDICAPPED COMMUNITY THAN ME.

I HAVE NO PROOF BUT I LIKE

SAYING IT WHICH MEANS IF I HAVE

KIDS THEY'LL COME OUT DEFORMED.

HANDICAPPED PEOPLE WEREN'T THE

ONLY ONES WITH A HANDICAP, MINE

IS THREE.

THANKS FOR FORCE KNOWING PLAY

GOLF, DAD.

THEY SAY IF YOU LOSE A LIMB IT

WILL BE IN HEAVEN.

THE QUEEN OF HANDICAPPED PEOPLE

WAS HELEN KELLER.

SHE WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SO

MUCH DESPITE THE FACT SHE WAS A

WOMAN.

THE BEST PART OF BEING

HANDICAPPED YOU NEVER HAVE TO

HEAR OTHER PEOPLE COMPLAIN.

NO ONE'S GOING TO WHINE ABOUT A

HEADACHE TO THE GUY WITH NO

SPINE AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL GET

TO LIVE THROUGH YOUR AVATAR AND

SKULL [BLEEP] A CHICK WITH BLUE

HAIR.

AND TISHA DIDN'T NEEDED MACHINE

ELBOW ROOM SO I FLEW HER HERE

FOR THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY.

TISHA, I'M DANIEL.

>> COME ON.

>> Tosh: SORRY, YOU CAN'T CROSS

THE LINES BECAUSE HEALTH CODES.

GOT IT.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE

ARMS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S A NEGATIVE

ATTITUDE.

IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

LET'S GET YOU OFF YOUR FEET.

WE HAVE A GROUPON FOR THE

MANI-PEDI.

SHE'LL TAKE THE PEDI.

I'LL TAKE THE MANI.

WE JUST SAVED TWENTY BUCKS.

POUND IT.

DO YOU GET TIRED OF NOT HAVING

ARMS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHO DO YOU CALL PEOPLE

WITHOUT ARMS?

>> NORMS.

>> Tosh: IF YOU HAD ARMS WHAT'S

THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO?

>> GIVE SOMEONE A HIGH FIVE.

>> Tosh: OVERRATED.

WHAT THE COMMENTS ON THE VIDEOS.

>> ONE PERSON WROTE OOH I

WOULDN'T WANT THAT GIRL MAKING

ME A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY

SANDWICH.

>> Tosh: THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE

YOU USE GRAPE JELLY.

WHAT'S YOUR HARDEST DAILY

ACTIVITY?

>> MIGHT SAY GETTING DRESSED.

>> Tosh: HOW DO YOU HOOK YOUR

BRA.

>> I DON'T.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO

HEAR.

NEED HELP DOING THAT?

>> I HAVE A CLASP.

>> Tosh: YOU THOUGHT OF

EVERYTHING.

>> I HAVE.

>> Tosh: YOU DON'T HAVE ARM

PITS.

DO YOU USE DEODORANT?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: DO YOU SWEAT A LOT IN

THE AREA.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: BUT YOU STILL PUT IT

ON?

>> I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I BELONG

WITH EVERYONE ELSE.

>> Tosh: [BLEEP] THAT.

WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME.

DO YOU EVER PULL PRANKS ON

PEOPLE?

>> FOR HALLOWEEN I WENT TO

SPENCERS AND BOUGHT A PAIR OF

ARMS AND WENT TO THE MALL AND

LAID NEXT TO IT.

>> Tosh: RANDOM PEOPLE?

YOU'RE LIKE ANDY KAUFFMAN.

DO YOU CLAP OR CHEER.

IF YOU STAND IT WILL LOOK LIKE

YOUR RIVER DANCING.

>> IN KARATE I HAVE MY YELLOW

BELT.

>> Tosh: CAN YOU PUT EITHER ON?

>> NO

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A

FIGHT?

>> NO, BUT I WANT TO BE.

>> Tosh: I'LL SLAP YOU AROUND.

DO YOU DRIVE?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: HOW SCARED WAS THE GUY

THAT GAVE YOU YOUR DRIVING TEST

WHEN HE GOT IN THE CAR WITH YOU.

>> THEY WEREN'T SCARED AT ALL.

>> Tosh: THEY WERE TERRIFIED.

YOU DON'T THINK HE TALKS ABOUT

IT EVERY SECOND OF HIS LIFE.

HOW DO YOU WIPE?

DON'T GET UPSET.

I NEED TO KNOW.

>> DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT

QUESTION.

I NEVER ANSWER IT

>> Tosh: IT'S A MYSTERY.

>> TO EVERYONE.

>> Tosh: WOULD YOU DO A REALITY

TV SHOW?

I'LL PRODUCE ONE FOR YOU BUT

EPISODE ONE WE SEE HOW SHE

WIPES.

99 PROBLEMS.

TISHA, YOU MAY NOT HAVE ARMS BUT

YOU ARE A WOMAN AND THAT MEANS

YOU BELONG IN THE KITCHEN.

ARE YOU READY TO PROVE YOU ARE

HANDS-DOWN THE GREATEST ARMLESS

CHEF IN AMERICA ON YOUR OWN

COOKING SHOW.

>> YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

>> Tosh: OKAY, WE'LL GET THE SET

BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE A

GREAT CHEF YOU NEED A PHRASE.

>> HOW ABOUT THAT'S HANDS-FREE

COOKING.

>> Tosh: HOLD ON TIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> WELCOME BACK TO SOUL FOOD.

>> Tosh: I GOT MY FINGER SHOES

ON.

>> LET'S CONTINUE WITH TONIGHT'S

DELICIOUS ENTRE.

HE'LL CRACK THE EGGS WHILE I

SHRED THE CHEESE.

>> Tosh: A LITTLE SHELL'S OKAY.

RIGHT?

YOU'RE A COCKY SON OF A BITCH

>> DANIEL, HOW ARE THE MEATS IN

BALLS COMING?

>> Tosh: GOOD.

THE THINGS TO REMEMBER IS HAVE

FUN -- UGH.

THE TWO MEATBALLS MADE ONE.

>> IT'S EASY ONCE YOU GET THE

HANG OF IT.

>> Tosh: I GOT IT STARTED.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> Tosh: OH.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO WITH

MEATLOAF.

IT'S A LITTLE BLAND.

>> I'LL GIVE IT A LITTLE KICK.

DANIEL, WANT YOU GIVE THIS A

TASTE FOR US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: I COULD TASTE THE KICK.

>> NOW WHIP THE CREAM WITH YOUR

EGG BEATER UNTIL YOU SEE PEAKS.

>> Tosh: I'D LET YOU TRY BUT I

DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO THIS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY DIFFICULT.

THAT'S YOUR EGG BEATER.

ALL RIGHT.

WE GOT IT, YOU'RE GOOD.

>> SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO TAKE

THE PAN OUT OF THE OVEN.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

>> DON'T FORGET TO PUT ON YOUR

OVEN FLIPPERS.

>> Tosh: PUT ON YOUR OVEN

SLIPPERS.

IT'S THAT EASY.

>> THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.

EATING WHAT WE MADE.

>> Tosh: MINE TOO.

>> MICROWAVED MAC AND CHEESE.

>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE

STUFF WE MADE?

>> DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT.

WE TOUCHED IT WITH OUR FEET.

>> Tosh: SOUNDS GREAT BUT JUST

NEEDS ONE THING.

A LITTLE KICK.

I CAN SEE OUR CREW SALIVATING.

GET OVER HERE GUYS YOU'LL WANT

TO EAT IT WHILE IT'S STILL WARM.

>> THERE WE GO.

>> Tosh: THERE DO YOU.

>> I FOUND A BAND-AID.

>> Tosh: GOOD, RIGHT?

>> FROM ALL OF US AT SOUL FOOD,

BON APPETIT.

>> Tosh: SHE'S HAPPIER THAN I'VE

EVER BEEN BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE

PLACES.

NOT GIVING UP THESE BAD BOYS.

I'VE GOT ARMS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AND BEFORE

WE GO I'M PROUD TO PRESENT THE

FIRST ACTUAL DEATH EVE AIRED ON

THE SHOW.

>> HERE'S WILL COMING DOWN THE

HILL.

COMING ALONG.

THERE HE GOES, GOING TO GET SOME

AIR.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> I'M DYING.

HELP ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[INDISCERNIBLE]

>> BRO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU.

INTO NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT THAT

AT 245 POUND BEHEMOTH IS CARL

AND MAKES HIS LIVING WHAT I

ASSUME IS ANONYMOUS BUSINESS

MEN.

AFTER THE RECENT HULK HOGAN SEX

SCANDAL I'M GLAD THERE ARE STILL

PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT RESTORING

THE SPORT OF WRESTLING TO IT'S

FAMILY-FRIENDLY SPORT.

THERE'S NO WAY CARL HAS THE

BALLS TO FACE DANIEL TOSH, THE

CALIFORNIA KING CHAMPION.

>> I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU,

WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN TOSH

AMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?

>> SORRY BROTHER.

I FINISHED EARLY.

>> YOU'RE AWESOME.

CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE LIKE A PIG

TEN MINUTES AGO.

>> YOU ARE A HOT COMMODITY.

>> Tosh: HE GAVE ME FULL

PERMISSION TO POUND THAT GUY AND

THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS CANADIAN

KUNG FU.

>> STEP FORWARD.

>> YES, MASTER.

DO YOU SEE THE PINE CONE IN MY

HAND?

>> YES, MASTER.

>> ONLY WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO

REMOVE THIS PINE CONE FROM MY

HAND THEN WILL YOUR TRAINING BE

COMPLETE.

MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE PINE CONE

IN YOUR HAND?

>> YOUR TRAINING IS NOW

COMPLETE.

>> Tosh: CANADIANS, HATE US FOR

OUR ENORMOUS PINE CONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

COMIC CABANA.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

KNOCK IT OFF.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I'LL BE

GOING TRIPLE STUBBLE NEXT WEEK

THAT'D BE NO.

THAT WOULD BE A WEIRD.

THAT'S NOT THE WARDROBE.

THE PROBLEM WITH INSTRA GRAM IS

THE SLUTTY PICTURES WOMEN TAKE

CARE OF THEMSELVES AND I ASKED

MY MALE FOLLOWERS TO INSTAGRAM

THEMSELVES DOING THE SAME STUPID

POSES THE GIRLS DO IN A NEW

SEGMENT CALLED BROS POSE LIKE

HOES AGRAM.

I CALL THIS WHORE-A-SCOPE.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LOOK

BOINKABLE FROM THAT ANGLE.

NOW LET'S SEE SOME OF YOURS.

[***]

>> Tosh: IT'S JUST SAD HOW

PREDICTABLE YOU LADIES ARE.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM

THIS FANCY FLYER.

>> I'M AT THE DENVER BRONCOS

CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS TO BE THE

FIRST MALE BRONCOS

CHEERLEADER...

EVER.

>> Tosh: I BET WE HAVE A LOT IN

COMMON.

IF TWITTER STILL EXISTS PLEASE

FOLLOW ME ON AND IF YOU CARE

ABOUT CHARITY I'LL BE HEADLINING

A SHOW WITH MANY TALENTED

COMEDIANS AND PROFITS WILL BE

DONATED TO SOME OF MY FAVORITE

CAUSES.

IF YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF ANTHONY

JESELNIK YOU'RE IN LUCK.

THEY CANCELLED.

IN THIS WEEK'S BRICKLEBERRY,

STATISTICALLY 458 OF YOU WILL

>> DO YOU PARK IN A HANDICAP

SPOT?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S MESSED UP.

YOU CLEARLY DON'T NEED IT.

YOU SEEM PRETTY CAPABLE OF

EVERYTHING.

>> YEAH, BUT WALKING LONG