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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,370 [INDISCERNIBLE] 2 00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:50,267 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,597 >> Tosh: DIRT POOR AND BRAIN 4 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:52,170 DAMAGED. 5 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:53,667 MUST HAVE PLAYED IN THE NFL. 6 00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,967 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 7 00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:58,367 TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT TEE 8 00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:00,897 COMES FROM THE GRUNGE AREA 9 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,170 I MIGHT CATCH FLACK FOR THIS BUT 10 00:01:02,167 --> 00:01:03,627 I WANT TO GO ON RECORD SAYING 11 00:01:03,633 --> 00:01:05,373 ALICE IN CHAINS WAS TEN TIMES 12 00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:08,867 THE BAND NIRVANA EVER WAS. 13 00:01:08,867 --> 00:01:11,967 OH, YEAH! 14 00:01:11,967 --> 00:01:15,827 I REST MY CASE. 15 00:01:15,833 --> 00:01:17,703 ALL RIGHT. 16 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:19,970 DON'T ADJUST YOUR CONTRAST 17 00:01:19,967 --> 00:01:20,597 SETTING. 18 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,400 IF MYSELFY STUBBLE SEEMS SEXIER 19 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,230 THAT'S BECAUSE I WENT TWO WEEKS 20 00:01:24,233 --> 00:01:26,073 WITHOUT SHAVING. 21 00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:27,127 THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S DOUBLE 22 00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:31,403 STUBBLE. 23 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,130 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 24 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:32,403 . 25 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,070 >> Tosh: TONIGHT WE GET OUR 26 00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:36,067 HANDS DIRTY WITH MY FAVORITE 27 00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,467 CHEF AND THE EROTIC VIDEO AND 28 00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:40,727 LOOK AT THE MANLIEST SELFIES. 29 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:43,973 AND IF YOU CAN'T GET HOLD OF 30 00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:52,127 AMBIEN, TRY LUNESTA. 31 00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:54,433 LET'S GO OLD MAN, WE CAN'T START 32 00:01:54,433 --> 00:01:57,233 BUILDING UNTIL EVERY BRICK IN 33 00:01:57,233 --> 00:02:01,903 HAS BEEN TESTED. 34 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,070 AT LEAST HE DIED DOING WHAT HE 35 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:05,067 LOVED. 36 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:06,967 NOW, LET'S SEE WHY SEWING TWO 37 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:08,367 LIFE VESTS TOGETHER NEVER A 38 00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:13,867 WASTE OF TIME. 39 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:17,067 WELL, THAT GUY JUST GOT HERNIA. 40 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:28,697 RIHANNA LOOKS GOOD. 41 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:31,130 NOT SURE HOW LIFEGUARDS CAN SAVE 42 00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:32,073 THAT. 43 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,427 MIGHT HAVE TO TRY IT IN A BIGGER 44 00:02:33,433 --> 00:02:34,073 OCEAN. 45 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,467 I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ONE 46 00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:37,767 OF THOSE VIDEOS WHERE SHE 47 00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:41,067 ATTACKS HER TRAINER. 48 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,367 THERE'S NO WAY IT'S BEEN 30 49 00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:43,827 MINUTES SINCE HER LAST MEAL. 50 00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:46,303 I'LL BE HONORED FOR HER TO JOIN 51 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:54,200 ANY ROWING TEAM. 52 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,370 [LAUGHTER] 53 00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:58,797 >> JUST THE PEOPLE WHO CAN USE 54 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,100 THE RIGHT SIDE OF THEIR BODY. 55 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,070 >> Tosh: GREAT, NOW I'M A 56 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,197 COXSWAIN WITHOUT A CREW TO PUT 57 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:05,970 IT IN. 58 00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:07,897 BESIDES THE FACT THE NEXT GUY 59 00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,300 DRIVES THE TRUCK FOR A LIVING IN 60 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,730 THE ARMPIT OF THE COUNTRY, HE 61 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:23,433 SURE IS LUCKY. 62 00:03:23,433 --> 00:03:26,133 >> Tosh: YOUR MOVE, BUCKLE UP 63 00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:26,603 CAMPAIGN. 64 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:30,330 TR 65 00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:34,073 TRANSVESTITE HOOKER WASN'T SO 66 00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:34,667 FORTUNATE. 67 00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:35,067 KILOMETERS. 68 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:40,567 EVERYONE IN RUSSIA IS A GYMNAST. 69 00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:46,467 WHAT'S WITH THE BLANKET, LINUS. 70 00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:49,967 LOOKS LIKE HIS COMMUNIST LIFE 71 00:03:49,967 --> 00:03:53,067 FLASHED BEFORE HIS LIFE. 72 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,497 THIS IS MORE PORTRAIT STYLE. 73 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:58,500 YEAH, IT'S COMING FROM YOU. 74 00:03:58,500 --> 00:03:59,070 [LAUGHTER] 75 00:03:59,067 --> 00:03:59,427 >> 76 00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:01,633 >> Tosh: THE TWO BLACK BARS ARE 77 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:02,433 ANNOYING. 78 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:05,173 LADY, NEXT TIME YOU'RE SECRETLY 79 00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:06,427 FILMING SOMEONE TURN YOUR PHONE 80 00:04:06,433 --> 00:04:08,903 SIDE WAYS OR THE ONLY WAY TO 81 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,530 APPRECIATE IT IS TO TURN 82 00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:11,533 EVERYTHING 90 DEGREES. 83 00:04:11,533 --> 00:04:12,073 OKAY. 84 00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:12,627 THAT'S BETTER. 85 00:04:12,633 --> 00:04:15,073 HOPE YOU HAVE A FLEXIBLE 86 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:17,197 MOUNTAIN FOR YOUR FLAT SCREEN AT 87 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:17,700 HOME. 88 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:21,630 MAYBE WOOL PANTY WAS AS A BAD 89 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:22,273 IDEA. 90 00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:27,227 LOOKS LIKE ANN CURRY MISSES MATT 91 00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:27,703 LAUER. 92 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,730 SHE NEEDS MY NEW "TOSH.0" 93 00:04:29,733 --> 00:04:31,703 FEMININE FUNK FIGHTERS. 94 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:35,070 IT'S GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU 95 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,167 SMELLING GREAT WHILE YOU 96 00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:40,527 MENSTRUATE IN BABY VAGINA AND 97 00:04:40,533 --> 00:04:42,733 NEW CAR SMELL. 98 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:44,403 LIKE THE ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION I 99 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,070 KNOW WHAT'S BET FOR YOUR COOTER. 100 00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:50,897 I THINK WE CAN AGREE EGYPTIAN 101 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:53,230 ARCHITECTURE'S GONE TO [BLEEP] 102 00:04:53,233 --> 00:04:56,703 SINCE THE PYRAMIDS. 103 00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,070 CASTLES PUT MOST THEIR MONEY 104 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,127 INTO THEY'RE IMPENETRABLE WALLS. 105 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,433 HOPEFULLY HE FELL INTO A HUGE 106 00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,133 PERSIAN BED FULL OF PILLOW AND 107 00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:05,573 VIRGINS. 108 00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:11,727 WHAT'S NEXT? 109 00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:12,973 >> COME ON, MIKE! 110 00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:15,597 COME ON! 111 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,430 >> Tosh: THANK GOD IT'S FINALLY 112 00:05:17,433 --> 00:05:18,473 PIE SEASON. 113 00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:20,627 NOW LET'S FIND OUT IF MIKEY 114 00:05:20,633 --> 00:05:22,073 LIKES IT IN THIS WEEK'S 115 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:25,927 BREAKDOWN. 116 00:05:25,933 --> 00:05:29,373 PIE EATING CONTEST IS LIKE 117 00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:31,067 BASEBALL AND MORBID OBESITY AND 118 00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,267 HE HAS EXPERIENCE HANGING OVER 119 00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:32,667 HIS BELT. 120 00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,827 YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME INSTEAD 121 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:38,473 OF APPLE HOW ABOUT A BOILING HOT 122 00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:39,927 CHICKEN POT PIE OR MY PERSONAL 123 00:05:39,933 --> 00:05:42,073 FIVE, HAIR. 124 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:45,597 MMMMM. 125 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,070 >> GO, MIKE! 126 00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,297 >> Tosh: FIVE SECONDS IN AND I 127 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:50,770 HATE EVERY ONE OF THEM. 128 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,067 I'D RATHER WATCH THE DIRECTOR'S 129 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,127 CUT OF PITCH PERFECT THEN WATCH 130 00:05:55,133 --> 00:05:57,133 THESE DUMB DRUNKS. 131 00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:59,073 SUCK THAT FISTFUL DOWN. 132 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:03,967 WHO INVITED THE PORN DIRECTOR? 133 00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:07,067 THAT'S WHAT BINGE EATING 8,000 134 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,867 CALORIES OF HOT DESSERT LOOKS 135 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:09,327 LIKE. 136 00:06:09,333 --> 00:06:11,573 YOU CAN SEE THE SAME FACE EVERY 137 00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:15,197 DAY AT GOLDEN CORRAL. 138 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,130 COME ON, MIKE, PIE EATING 139 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:18,933 CONTESTS HAVE ONLY TWO RULES, NO 140 00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:21,703 ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE OR BARFING. 141 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:22,370 EAT IT? 142 00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:25,697 YOUR BODY JUST SAID NO TO PIE. 143 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,070 IT'S NOT GOING SAY YES TO PUKE. 144 00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:30,067 >> EAT IT! 145 00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:33,797 EAT IT! 146 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,300 >> Tosh: HE SHOULD HAVE LET THE 147 00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:36,630 VOMIT COOL ON THE WINDOW SILL 148 00:06:36,633 --> 00:06:38,303 FIRST. 149 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,400 STILL NOT AS GROSS THAT'S 150 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,730 HOOLIGANS WHAT EAT APPLE PIE 151 00:06:41,733 --> 00:06:44,103 WITH A SLICE OF CHEDDAR CHEESE 152 00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:44,830 ON TOP. 153 00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:46,433 DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE? 154 00:06:46,433 --> 00:06:47,533 THAT'S GROSS. 155 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,073 ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE'LL 156 00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:51,167 DEFINITELY GET A PARTICIPATION 157 00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:51,627 RIBBON. 158 00:06:51,633 --> 00:06:54,933 THE ONLY LOSERS ARE THE STARVING 159 00:06:54,933 --> 00:06:57,073 CHILDREN IN DEVELOPING NATIONS 160 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,767 AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU FIRST 161 00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:00,167 GOOD-BYE TO THE DOGGIE STYLE 162 00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:14,067 DAYS OF SUMMER. 163 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,867 >> AS YOU CAN SEE I DON'T HAVE 164 00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:16,567 ANY ARMS. 165 00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:20,697 TODAY WE'LL MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER 166 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,300 AND JELLY SANDWICH. 167 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,130 I USE A SPOON BECAUSE A KNIFE IS 168 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,133 TOO DANGEROUS. 169 00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:28,403 GET A BIG GLOB OF PEANUT BUTTER 170 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:40,570 AND I'LL SPREAD IT ON MY BREAD. 171 00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:42,627 THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A PEANUT 172 00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:43,903 BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH. 173 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,300 >> Tosh: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW 174 00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:48,330 WHAT, I'M GOING ORDER A PIZZA. 175 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:48,933 [LAUGHTER] 176 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:50,333 >> Tosh: THAT FUNKY TRUNK IS 177 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:53,073 TISHA AND SHE CAN ROCK A BET. 178 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,227 LIKE DEZ BRYANT SHE CAN DO 179 00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:56,233 ANYTHING BUT CATCH A FOOTBALL. 180 00:07:56,233 --> 00:07:57,973 I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY 181 00:07:57,967 --> 00:08:00,267 DISABLED INSTEAD OF HANDICAPPED 182 00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:01,967 BUT HOW COME THEY WRITE 183 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:03,667 HANDICAPPED IN BIG BLUE LETTERS 184 00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:06,067 IN EVERY PARKING LOT I'VE SEEN? 185 00:08:06,067 --> 00:08:08,397 NO ONE DOES MORE THAN THE 186 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,670 HANDICAPPED COMMUNITY THAN ME. 187 00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:11,867 I HAVE NO PROOF BUT I LIKE 188 00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:13,897 SAYING IT WHICH MEANS IF I HAVE 189 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:17,070 KIDS THEY'LL COME OUT DEFORMED. 190 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:20,067 HANDICAPPED PEOPLE WEREN'T THE 191 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,327 ONLY ONES WITH A HANDICAP, MINE 192 00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:23,833 IS THREE. 193 00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:28,333 THANKS FOR FORCE KNOWING PLAY 194 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:29,073 GOLF, DAD. 195 00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,367 THEY SAY IF YOU LOSE A LIMB IT 196 00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:32,297 WILL BE IN HEAVEN. 197 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:33,670 THE QUEEN OF HANDICAPPED PEOPLE 198 00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,197 WAS HELEN KELLER. 199 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,470 SHE WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SO 200 00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:38,597 MUCH DESPITE THE FACT SHE WAS A 201 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:39,170 WOMAN. 202 00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,697 THE BEST PART OF BEING 203 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,200 HANDICAPPED YOU NEVER HAVE TO 204 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,500 HEAR OTHER PEOPLE COMPLAIN. 205 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,700 NO ONE'S GOING TO WHINE ABOUT A 206 00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,230 HEADACHE TO THE GUY WITH NO 207 00:08:47,233 --> 00:08:49,933 SPINE AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL GET 208 00:08:49,933 --> 00:08:53,873 TO LIVE THROUGH YOUR AVATAR AND 209 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,197 SKULL [BLEEP] A CHICK WITH BLUE 210 00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:58,670 HAIR. 211 00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:03,127 AND TISHA DIDN'T NEEDED MACHINE 212 00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:07,933 ELBOW ROOM SO I FLEW HER HERE 213 00:09:07,933 --> 00:09:12,103 FOR THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY. 214 00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,500 TISHA, I'M DANIEL. 215 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:14,230 >> COME ON. 216 00:09:14,233 --> 00:09:16,873 >> Tosh: SORRY, YOU CAN'T CROSS 217 00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,267 THE LINES BECAUSE HEALTH CODES. 218 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:18,867 GOT IT. 219 00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:20,127 >> THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE 220 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:20,673 ARMS. 221 00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:21,827 >> Tosh: THAT'S A NEGATIVE 222 00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:22,473 ATTITUDE. 223 00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:24,327 IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY. 224 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:25,803 LET'S GET YOU OFF YOUR FEET. 225 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,400 WE HAVE A GROUPON FOR THE 226 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,070 MANI-PEDI. 227 00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:30,797 SHE'LL TAKE THE PEDI. 228 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,100 I'LL TAKE THE MANI. 229 00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,670 WE JUST SAVED TWENTY BUCKS. 230 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:37,397 POUND IT. 231 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,130 DO YOU GET TIRED OF NOT HAVING 232 00:09:40,133 --> 00:09:40,633 ARMS? 233 00:09:40,633 --> 00:09:42,533 >> YES. 234 00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:44,673 >> Tosh: WHO DO YOU CALL PEOPLE 235 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,527 WITHOUT ARMS? 236 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,073 >> NORMS. 237 00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,667 >> Tosh: IF YOU HAD ARMS WHAT'S 238 00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,527 THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO? 239 00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:53,433 >> GIVE SOMEONE A HIGH FIVE. 240 00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:54,633 >> Tosh: OVERRATED. 241 00:09:54,633 --> 00:09:57,233 WHAT THE COMMENTS ON THE VIDEOS. 242 00:09:57,233 --> 00:09:58,803 >> ONE PERSON WROTE OOH I 243 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,470 WOULDN'T WANT THAT GIRL MAKING 244 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,697 ME A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY 245 00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:03,300 SANDWICH. 246 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,070 >> Tosh: THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE 247 00:10:05,067 --> 00:10:06,797 YOU USE GRAPE JELLY. 248 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,630 WHAT'S YOUR HARDEST DAILY 249 00:10:08,633 --> 00:10:09,273 ACTIVITY? 250 00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:10,727 >> MIGHT SAY GETTING DRESSED. 251 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,033 >> Tosh: HOW DO YOU HOOK YOUR 252 00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:12,603 BRA. 253 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,530 >> I DON'T. 254 00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:15,903 >> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO 255 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:16,330 HEAR. 256 00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,703 NEED HELP DOING THAT? 257 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,630 >> I HAVE A CLASP. 258 00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:20,703 >> Tosh: YOU THOUGHT OF 259 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:21,200 EVERYTHING. 260 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:21,730 >> I HAVE. 261 00:10:21,733 --> 00:10:23,633 >> Tosh: YOU DON'T HAVE ARM 262 00:10:23,633 --> 00:10:24,433 PITS. 263 00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,773 DO YOU USE DEODORANT? 264 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:26,427 >> YES. 265 00:10:26,433 --> 00:10:27,533 >> Tosh: DO YOU SWEAT A LOT IN 266 00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:28,033 THE AREA. 267 00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:28,833 >> NO. 268 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:30,103 >> Tosh: BUT YOU STILL PUT IT 269 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:30,500 ON? 270 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,330 >> I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I BELONG 271 00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:33,573 WITH EVERYONE ELSE. 272 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:34,127 >> Tosh: [BLEEP] THAT. 273 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:38,403 WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME. 274 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,830 DO YOU EVER PULL PRANKS ON 275 00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:41,673 PEOPLE? 276 00:10:41,667 --> 00:10:45,227 >> FOR HALLOWEEN I WENT TO 277 00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:47,833 SPENCERS AND BOUGHT A PAIR OF 278 00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:50,433 ARMS AND WENT TO THE MALL AND 279 00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:53,503 LAID NEXT TO IT. 280 00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,870 >> Tosh: RANDOM PEOPLE? 281 00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:59,197 YOU'RE LIKE ANDY KAUFFMAN. 282 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:04,330 DO YOU CLAP OR CHEER. 283 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:06,403 IF YOU STAND IT WILL LOOK LIKE 284 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,270 YOUR RIVER DANCING. 285 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:12,867 >> IN KARATE I HAVE MY YELLOW 286 00:11:12,867 --> 00:11:13,367 BELT. 287 00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,727 >> Tosh: CAN YOU PUT EITHER ON? 288 00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:16,273 >> NO 289 00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,067 >> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A 290 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:18,527 FIGHT? 291 00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,333 >> NO, BUT I WANT TO BE. 292 00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:22,703 >> Tosh: I'LL SLAP YOU AROUND. 293 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,070 DO YOU DRIVE? 294 00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:24,527 >> YES. 295 00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:25,773 >> Tosh: HOW SCARED WAS THE GUY 296 00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,167 THAT GAVE YOU YOUR DRIVING TEST 297 00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,067 WHEN HE GOT IN THE CAR WITH YOU. 298 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,467 >> THEY WEREN'T SCARED AT ALL. 299 00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:31,697 >> Tosh: THEY WERE TERRIFIED. 300 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,870 YOU DON'T THINK HE TALKS ABOUT 301 00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:36,297 IT EVERY SECOND OF HIS LIFE. 302 00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,100 HOW DO YOU WIPE? 303 00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:38,970 DON'T GET UPSET. 304 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:41,227 I NEED TO KNOW. 305 00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:44,873 >> DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT 306 00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:45,627 QUESTION. 307 00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:46,873 I NEVER ANSWER IT 308 00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:48,697 >> Tosh: IT'S A MYSTERY. 309 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:49,800 >> TO EVERYONE. 310 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,500 >> Tosh: WOULD YOU DO A REALITY 311 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,200 TV SHOW? 312 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,400 I'LL PRODUCE ONE FOR YOU BUT 313 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,470 EPISODE ONE WE SEE HOW SHE 314 00:11:57,467 --> 00:12:01,267 WIPES. 315 00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,127 99 PROBLEMS. 316 00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:03,973 TISHA, YOU MAY NOT HAVE ARMS BUT 317 00:12:03,967 --> 00:12:05,797 YOU ARE A WOMAN AND THAT MEANS 318 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,570 YOU BELONG IN THE KITCHEN. 319 00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:10,397 ARE YOU READY TO PROVE YOU ARE 320 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,200 HANDS-DOWN THE GREATEST ARMLESS 321 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,800 CHEF IN AMERICA ON YOUR OWN 322 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:14,730 COOKING SHOW. 323 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:15,833 >> YEAH, LET'S DO IT. 324 00:12:15,833 --> 00:12:18,103 >> Tosh: OKAY, WE'LL GET THE SET 325 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:23,570 BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE A 326 00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,167 GREAT CHEF YOU NEED A PHRASE. 327 00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:28,267 >> HOW ABOUT THAT'S HANDS-FREE 328 00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:29,067 COOKING. 329 00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:33,527 >> Tosh: HOLD ON TIGHT. 330 00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:34,233 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 331 00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:34,473 . 332 00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:35,827 >> WELCOME BACK TO SOUL FOOD. 333 00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:38,073 >> Tosh: I GOT MY FINGER SHOES 334 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:38,427 ON. 335 00:12:38,433 --> 00:12:41,633 >> LET'S CONTINUE WITH TONIGHT'S 336 00:12:41,633 --> 00:12:49,403 DELICIOUS ENTRE. 337 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,900 HE'LL CRACK THE EGGS WHILE I 338 00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:53,530 SHRED THE CHEESE. 339 00:12:53,533 --> 00:12:54,803 >> Tosh: A LITTLE SHELL'S OKAY. 340 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:59,130 RIGHT? 341 00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:02,403 YOU'RE A COCKY SON OF A BITCH 342 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,070 >> DANIEL, HOW ARE THE MEATS IN 343 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,197 BALLS COMING? 344 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,100 >> Tosh: GOOD. 345 00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,230 THE THINGS TO REMEMBER IS HAVE 346 00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:11,103 FUN -- UGH. 347 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,900 THE TWO MEATBALLS MADE ONE. 348 00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:14,330 >> IT'S EASY ONCE YOU GET THE 349 00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:15,303 HANG OF IT. 350 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,100 >> Tosh: I GOT IT STARTED. 351 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,070 >> THERE YOU GO. 352 00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:18,927 >> Tosh: OH. 353 00:13:18,933 --> 00:13:21,773 I THINK WE SHOULD GO WITH 354 00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:22,227 MEATLOAF. 355 00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:23,433 IT'S A LITTLE BLAND. 356 00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:28,273 >> I'LL GIVE IT A LITTLE KICK. 357 00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:29,527 DANIEL, WANT YOU GIVE THIS A 358 00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:34,073 TASTE FOR US. 359 00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,567 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 360 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,467 >> Tosh: I COULD TASTE THE KICK. 361 00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,767 >> NOW WHIP THE CREAM WITH YOUR 362 00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:44,727 EGG BEATER UNTIL YOU SEE PEAKS. 363 00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:46,073 >> Tosh: I'D LET YOU TRY BUT I 364 00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,597 DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO THIS. 365 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,070 THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY DIFFICULT. 366 00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:51,597 THAT'S YOUR EGG BEATER. 367 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,270 ALL RIGHT. 368 00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:53,327 WE GOT IT, YOU'RE GOOD. 369 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,733 >> SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO TAKE 370 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,803 THE PAN OUT OF THE OVEN. 371 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:57,600 >> Tosh: OKAY. 372 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,070 >> DON'T FORGET TO PUT ON YOUR 373 00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:02,627 OVEN FLIPPERS. 374 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:03,973 >> Tosh: PUT ON YOUR OVEN 375 00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:21,267 SLIPPERS. 376 00:14:21,267 --> 00:14:22,297 IT'S THAT EASY. 377 00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,870 >> THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART. 378 00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:25,427 EATING WHAT WE MADE. 379 00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:26,473 >> Tosh: MINE TOO. 380 00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:31,267 >> MICROWAVED MAC AND CHEESE. 381 00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:32,397 >> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE 382 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:32,870 STUFF WE MADE? 383 00:14:32,867 --> 00:14:35,067 >> DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT. 384 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:37,667 WE TOUCHED IT WITH OUR FEET. 385 00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,267 >> Tosh: SOUNDS GREAT BUT JUST 386 00:14:39,267 --> 00:14:40,197 NEEDS ONE THING. 387 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,400 A LITTLE KICK. 388 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,900 I CAN SEE OUR CREW SALIVATING. 389 00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:45,130 GET OVER HERE GUYS YOU'LL WANT 390 00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:49,073 TO EAT IT WHILE IT'S STILL WARM. 391 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,227 >> THERE WE GO. 392 00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:52,273 >> Tosh: THERE DO YOU. 393 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,697 >> I FOUND A BAND-AID. 394 00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,070 >> Tosh: GOOD, RIGHT? 395 00:14:56,067 --> 00:15:00,097 >> FROM ALL OF US AT SOUL FOOD, 396 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,770 BON APPETIT. 397 00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,467 >> Tosh: SHE'S HAPPIER THAN I'VE 398 00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:07,127 EVER BEEN BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE 399 00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:07,773 PLACES. 400 00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:08,897 NOT GIVING UP THESE BAD BOYS. 401 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:10,070 I'VE GOT ARMS. 402 00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:11,627 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AND BEFORE 403 00:15:11,633 --> 00:15:15,133 WE GO I'M PROUD TO PRESENT THE 404 00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:16,433 FIRST ACTUAL DEATH EVE AIRED ON 405 00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:17,073 THE SHOW. 406 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,067 >> HERE'S WILL COMING DOWN THE 407 00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:20,797 HILL. 408 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,800 COMING ALONG. 409 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,800 THERE HE GOES, GOING TO GET SOME 410 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,570 AIR. 411 00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:28,697 ARE YOU OKAY? 412 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,270 >> I'M DYING. 413 00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,867 HELP ME. 414 00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:37,797 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 415 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:43,900 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 416 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:55,100 [INDISCERNIBLE] 417 00:15:55,100 --> 00:16:05,730 >> BRO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU. 418 00:16:05,733 --> 00:16:08,703 INTO NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT THAT 419 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:11,470 AT 245 POUND BEHEMOTH IS CARL 420 00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:13,967 AND MAKES HIS LIVING WHAT I 421 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,627 ASSUME IS ANONYMOUS BUSINESS 422 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:16,073 MEN. 423 00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:18,967 AFTER THE RECENT HULK HOGAN SEX 424 00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:20,567 SCANDAL I'M GLAD THERE ARE STILL 425 00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:22,067 PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT RESTORING 426 00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:27,927 THE SPORT OF WRESTLING TO IT'S 427 00:16:27,933 --> 00:16:29,133 FAMILY-FRIENDLY SPORT. 428 00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:31,303 THERE'S NO WAY CARL HAS THE 429 00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:34,670 BALLS TO FACE DANIEL TOSH, THE 430 00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:40,267 CALIFORNIA KING CHAMPION. 431 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,127 >> I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, 432 00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:46,133 WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN TOSH 433 00:16:46,133 --> 00:17:20,133 AMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU? 434 00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:21,173 >> SORRY BROTHER. 435 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:22,327 I FINISHED EARLY. 436 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,333 >> YOU'RE AWESOME. 437 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,073 CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE LIKE A PIG 438 00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:28,967 TEN MINUTES AGO. 439 00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:32,727 >> YOU ARE A HOT COMMODITY. 440 00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:35,973 >> Tosh: HE GAVE ME FULL 441 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,367 PERMISSION TO POUND THAT GUY AND 442 00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:40,867 THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS CANADIAN 443 00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:44,497 KUNG FU. 444 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,070 >> STEP FORWARD. 445 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,597 >> YES, MASTER. 446 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,570 DO YOU SEE THE PINE CONE IN MY 447 00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:50,967 HAND? 448 00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:52,097 >> YES, MASTER. 449 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,330 >> ONLY WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO 450 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:57,073 REMOVE THIS PINE CONE FROM MY 451 00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,297 HAND THEN WILL YOUR TRAINING BE 452 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:03,470 COMPLETE. 453 00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:05,767 MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE PINE CONE 454 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,197 IN YOUR HAND? 455 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,130 >> YOUR TRAINING IS NOW 456 00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,433 COMPLETE. 457 00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:12,303 >> Tosh: CANADIANS, HATE US FOR 458 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,730 OUR ENORMOUS PINE CONE. 459 00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:15,973 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 460 00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:16,867 COMIC CABANA. 461 00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:26,497 >> Tosh: ALL RIGHT. 462 00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,100 KNOCK IT OFF. 463 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,230 IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I'LL BE 464 00:18:30,233 --> 00:18:36,073 GOING TRIPLE STUBBLE NEXT WEEK 465 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,167 THAT'D BE NO. 466 00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:38,597 THAT WOULD BE A WEIRD. 467 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,630 THAT'S NOT THE WARDROBE. 468 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,803 THE PROBLEM WITH INSTRA GRAM IS 469 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,130 THE SLUTTY PICTURES WOMEN TAKE 470 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:46,073 CARE OF THEMSELVES AND I ASKED 471 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:51,297 MY MALE FOLLOWERS TO INSTAGRAM 472 00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,970 THEMSELVES DOING THE SAME STUPID 473 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,927 POSES THE GIRLS DO IN A NEW 474 00:18:58,933 --> 00:19:02,433 SEGMENT CALLED BROS POSE LIKE 475 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,203 HOES AGRAM. 476 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,770 I CALL THIS WHORE-A-SCOPE. 477 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:08,467 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LOOK 478 00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:09,627 BOINKABLE FROM THAT ANGLE. 479 00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:23,533 NOW LET'S SEE SOME OF YOURS. 480 00:19:24,433 --> 00:20:08,403 [***] 481 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,670 >> Tosh: IT'S JUST SAD HOW 482 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,367 PREDICTABLE YOU LADIES ARE. 483 00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:13,127 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM 484 00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:14,133 THIS FANCY FLYER. 485 00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:16,533 >> I'M AT THE DENVER BRONCOS 486 00:20:16,533 --> 00:20:18,203 CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS TO BE THE 487 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,200 FIRST MALE BRONCOS 488 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,170 CHEERLEADER... 489 00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:21,467 EVER. 490 00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:22,227 >> Tosh: I BET WE HAVE A LOT IN 491 00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:25,573 COMMON. 492 00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:28,797 IF TWITTER STILL EXISTS PLEASE 493 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,170 FOLLOW ME ON AND IF YOU CARE 494 00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:34,867 ABOUT CHARITY I'LL BE HEADLINING 495 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,867 A SHOW WITH MANY TALENTED 496 00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:39,997 COMEDIANS AND PROFITS WILL BE 497 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,100 DONATED TO SOME OF MY FAVORITE 498 00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:42,570 CAUSES. 499 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:52,997 IF YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF ANTHONY 500 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,900 JESELNIK YOU'RE IN LUCK. 501 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:56,930 THEY CANCELLED. 502 00:20:56,933 --> 00:21:07,433 IN THIS WEEK'S BRICKLEBERRY, 503 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:17,273 STATISTICALLY 458 OF YOU WILL 504 00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:19,167 >> DO YOU PARK IN A HANDICAP 505 00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:19,627 SPOT? 506 00:21:19,633 --> 00:21:20,103 >> YES. 507 00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:20,930 >> Tosh: THAT'S MESSED UP. 508 00:21:20,933 --> 00:21:22,233 YOU CLEARLY DON'T NEED IT. 509 00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:23,933 YOU SEEM PRETTY CAPABLE OF 510 00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:24,633 EVERYTHING. 511 00:21:24,633 --> 00:21:27,133 >> YEAH, BUT WALKING LONG 31763

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