Original subtitles

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> OH, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HAVE

A HANKERING TO BANG THE FRUIT

OF THE LOOM GRAPES GUY.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED PIECE IS

FROM FRANK OCEAN.

HE WOULD APPRECIATE MY SEXY

STUBBLE.

THIS SONG IS ONE OF MY

PERSONAL FAVORITES.

THAT IS HOW A REAL MAN'S VOICE

IS SUPPOSED TO SOUND.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE

INTRODUCE YOU TO THE BADDEST

RAPPER.

NOW LET'S SEE THAT NATURAL

BEAUTY AGAIN.

>> OH, IT MUST BE FREEZING

OUTSIDE OF CASTLE GREYSKULL.

LOOKS LIKE MICHELLE OBAMA HAS

BEEN TAKING THIS LET'S MOVE

CAMPAIGN SERIOUSLY.

YOU THINK THAT WAS OVER THE

LINE?

MY OTHER JOKE WAS WE GET IT,

WANDA SYKES, YOU ARE A

LESBIAN.

REMEMBER, KIDS, ALWAYS STAY

INDOORS.

OR YOU WILL END UP SPENDING

YOUR LIFER IN THE GUTTER LIKE

THIS NEXT KID.

>> IT IS RECORD, RIGHT?

GO AHEAD.

>> OH!

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

(BLEEP).

>> AT LEAST HE AVOIDED A

TECHNICAL BY LETTING GO OF THE

RIM.

HERE IS THE TIP.

YOU DON'T GET THE WIND KNOCKED

OUT OF YOU ON THE MID-RANGE

GAME.

FUNDAMENTALS.

OKAY.

NOW IF HIS FRIEND CAN'T DO IT,

HE IS GOING TO GET AN H.

ARE THEY PLAYING HORSE?

NO, HERNIATED DISK.

A LONGER GAME AND APPARENTLY,

YOU DON'T NEED A BALL.

HERE IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO

WHEN THERE ARE NO VIETNAMESE

PEOPLE IN YOUR TOWN.

MY, WHAT A METRO-SEXUAL

HILLBILLY.

I BET HE DOESN'T EVEN FEEL IT

WHEN HE STEPS ON A LEGO.

I'M STARTING TO SEE WHY ROMNEY

WANTS TO GET RID OF 47% OF THE

COUNTRY.

THAT INSPIRED ME TO START

UPPING MY PERSONAL HYGIENE

GAME.

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOUR GUMS BLEEDS THAT,

MEANS YOU ARE NOT DOING IT

REGULARLY ENOUGH.

AND YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO A

FINER GRAIN.

IF THE NBC SHOW ANIMAL

PRACTICE WAS MORE LIKE THIS

NEXT CLIP, MAYBE IT WOULDN'T

GET CANCELED IN TWO WEEKS.

>> THE TIGER IS COPPING TO

TALK TO YOU.

LOOK, LOOK.

LOOK.

OH, NO.

NO.

OH, NO.

OH, NO.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, NO.

>> OH, NO.

WORST SQUIRREL EXHIBIT EVER.

>> OH, NO.

>> JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU

HAVE SUCCESSFULLY KEPT YOUR

ADOPTED BLACK CHILD FROM A

LIFE OF VIOLENCE.

WHAT'S REALLY SAD IS THE

DWINDLING HABITAT FOR GOD'S

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES.

SHAME ON YOU.

ALL RIGHT, STOP ME IF YOU HAVE

HEARD THIS NEXT ONE.

A RABBI, A PRIEST, AND A BLACK

GUY GET ON A PLANE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN A MUSLIM HIJACKS AND

KILLS THEM ALL.

THEY ARE BOTH PRAYING TO GOD

HE DOESN'T TALK DURING THE

IN-FLIGHT MOVIE.

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

GUESS WHICH ONE ORDERED THE

12-YEAR-OLD BOY FOR HIS MEAL?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU.

>> AFLAC.

>> THAT IS FOR STEALING

GILBERT GODFREE'S JOB.

TSUNAMI BOMBS FOR EVERYONE!

I THOUGHT HIS BILL WOULD SPIN

AROUND HIS HEAD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

GODDAMN UNIONS!

OKAY.

WHO GAVE AMANDA BYNES THE

HEAVY MACHINERY?

LET'S PLOW THROUGH THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWNS.

(APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES WHEN HERTZ IS OUT OF

COMPACTS, YOU HAVE TO TAKE

WHENEVER THEY GIVE YOU.

THAT WILL BUFF OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MANY WRECKS BACK-TO-BACK.

WHAT IS THIS, BRENDAN

FRASIER'S IMDB PAGE?

(LAUGHTER)

OOH, FINALLY, SOMEBODY IS

COMING TO HELP.

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS

LOCK YOUR BULLDOZER DOOR.

IT IS SO HARD TO GET SOMEONE'S

INSURANCE INFORMATION THESE

DAYS.

WHO KNEW ALLSTATE'S IMMEDIATE

RESPONSE TEAM WAS SO

AGGRESSIVE?

THEY PROBABLY WANT TO MAKE

SURE HE LEAVES NOTE ON EVERY

WINDSHIELD.

WELL, I'M GLAD THAT IS ALL

OVER.

LIFE IN RUSSIA CAN GO BACK TO

ITS REGULAR LEVEL OF HORRIBLE.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

I'M SURE THEY WILL FINISH UP

SOON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

KRISPY KREME.

BUT FIRST, IT IS TIME FOR

IMPATIENT ASIANS.

>> (LAUGHTER)

>> WE BACK UP IN IT!

YOU ALREADY KNOW!

I AM THE BADDEST OF THEM ALL!

IF YOU AIN'T ABOUT MONEY, I

DON'T MESS WITH Y'ALL!

* I BET SHE SLEEPS WITH THE

NIGHTLIGHT.

BECAUSE SHE IS SCARED OF THE

DARK. *

I DO IT ALL THE TIME *

>> SOUTHERN RAPPERS.

TOUGH TO COME UP WITH RHYMES

WHEN YOU ONLY KNOW 30 WORDS.

THAT LITTLE SLINGBLADE IS

KRISPY KREME.

JUST LIKE KRISPY KREME

DOUGHNUTS, HE IS GLAZED WITH

SNOT.

YOU JUST SAW A CLIP OF

SOMETHING CALLED A MUSIC

VIDEO.

LIKE AIDS, THEY WERE BIG IN

THE 80'S.

THERE HAVE BEEN ONLY FOUR

WATCHABLE MUSIC VIDEOS EVER.

NOVEMBER RAIN, THAT ONE WITH

FIONA APPLE INNER UNDERWEAR,

GROOVE IS IN THE HEART, AND

SMOOTH CRIMINAL.

NOT BY MICHAEL JACKSON.

ALIEN ANT FARM: DON'T TELL ME

THRILLER BELONGS ON THE LIST.

AND BLACK TEEN WOLF.

THE DANCE WAS WEIRD.

THE CHICK WASN'T HOT AND THE

SINGER WAS A PEDOPHILE.

MUSIC VIDEOS ARE SO BAD THESE

DAYS, THE ONLY WAY TO TRICK

THEM INTO WATCHING IS TO

PROMISE TO SHOW THEM SHIA

LEBEOUF'S SOFT WIENER.

WHY DO THEY STILL BOTHER WITH

THE VMA'S?

KRISPY KREME IS A

GAME-CHANGER.

F THAT RUNNY-NOSED REDNECK HAS

A PENCIL EVEN BIGGER THAN

BEATLES.

EXCEPT NOT ALL STUPID AND

BRITISH.

SO ENJOY THIS EXCLUSIVE

GLIMPSE INTO THE MIND OF

KRISPY KREME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I AM AN OLD MAN.

>> I'M A VERY, VERY HEAVY...

>> THE ARTIST NAMED KRISPY

KREME.

NO, NOT THE DELICIOUS

DOUGHNUT.

BUT A RAPPER THAT HAS BEEN

CRANKING OUT DELICIOUS LYRICS.

IT IS HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE.

I'M A HUGE FAN.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> HOW DID YOU GET SO GOOD AT

RAPPING?

>> MY MOTHER DIDN'T PASS AWAY.

>> OKAY.

GOOD.

THAT QUESTION WOULD HAVE BEEN

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SONG "THE

BADDEST."

IT IS A SONG THAT TALKS ABOUT

ALL KINDS OF STUFF ABOUT MY

LIFE.

>> IN THAT SONG, IT SAYS THAT

BEYONCE THINKS YOU ARE CUTE.

* BEYONCE THINKS THAT I'M

CUTE.

IT IS OKAY, BEYONCE, I THINK

YOU ARE CUTE TOO. *

>> IS THAT TRUE?

>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S TRUE.

THEN I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE

SHE DOES THINK I'M CUTE.

>> WHO IS THE WEIRD KID WITH

THE MAX MILLER T-SHIRT IN THE

VIDEOS?

>> DON'T CALL HIM WEIRD,

THOUGH.

THAT IS MY FRIEND MIKE.

>> I APOLOGIZE.

IS HE WEIRD?

>> YES.

>> OKAY.

YOU SAY IN YOUR RAP, THAT YOU

DON'T CARRY A GUN.

YET YOU ALWAYS CARRY GUNS.

IS THAT SOME TYPE OF HIDDEN

MESSAGE?

>> I JUST FORGOT WHEN I WROTE

THE REST THAT WE WERE GOING TO

HAVE A GUN IN THE VIDEO.

THEN IT JUST HAPPENED LIKE

THAT.

>> YOU WISH THE DIRECTOR WOULD

HAVE CALLED CUT AND TOLD YOU

TO BLOW YOUR NOSE?

>> THEY THOUGHT SNOT WOULD BE

BETTER.

>> YOU THINK YOU HAVE MADE OUT

WITH EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN THE

WORLD.

>>

* I HAVE MADE OUT WITH SO MANY

GIRLS, MADE OUT WITH EVERY

GIRL IN THE WORLD *

>>.

>> HOW DID IT FEEL WHEN YOUR

VIDEO STARTED BLOWING UP?

>> FEELS LIKE I'M GOING TO BE

NLT IN THE RAP GAME.

>> SEE HOW FAST YOU CAN DRINK

SOME WATER.

THAT'S VERY FAST.

I CHECKED THE PROPERTY RECORDS

IN BIRMINGHAM.

IT SEEMS YOU ONLY OWN ONE

HOUSE, NOT 400.

>> I HAVE 400 HOUSES.

>> IF YOU WERE TO OWN 400

HOUSES, WOULD YOU GET 400 LAND

LINES?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I WOULD HAVE MAYBE TWO CELL

PHONES.

>> TWO CELL PHONES.

>> OR 200 HOUSES.

AND ONE FOR THE OTHER 200

HOUSES.

>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE

THAT THINK KRISPY KREME IS

JUST AN ACT AND YOU ARE

FOOLING THE WORLD?

>> YES.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SAY

THAT.

THEN PEOPLE WON'T LISTEN TO

YOUR MUSIC.

>> YOU DON'T THINK PEOPLE

WOULD LISTEN TO YOUR MUSIC IF

YOU WERE HON TEST?

>> IF I SAID I HAD ONE HOUSE

AND ONE CAR.

AND THEN... I DON'T EVEN HAVE

A CAR.

I HAVE A BIKE.

ONE HOUSE AND ONE BIKE?

>> NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT

A GUY WITH A BIKE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ON

THE COVER OF YOUR C.D.?

>> ME AND MIKE.

>> AND SOME IT THIES?

>> I HEAR OFF BRAND NEW MUSIC

VIDEO YOU WOULD LIKE TO DEBUT

WITH US TONIGHT.

>> I'M JUST HANGING OUT WITH

YOU.

>> KRISPY KREME.

AND TOSH.

* THIS IS A SONG FOR THE

TELEVISION.

CHILLING IN THE KITCHEN,

EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY

*

ANY HOMEBOY CALLED ME ON THE

CORELLI *

I GOT SOME CUTE GIRLS AND

THERE'S ONE NAMED SALLY *

* I HEADED FOR THE AIRPORT,

IT'S ME AND TOSH.

WE ARE CHILLING IN L.A.

GETTING GIRLS ALL DAY *

* YOU ARE NEVER GOING BACK

HOME, BECAUSE NOW WE ARE BEST

FRIENDS.

WE WILL NEVER BE ALONE *

WE ARE CHILLING IN L.A.,

GETTING GIRLS ALL DAY, WE ARE

NEVER EVER GOING BACK HOME *

* BECAUSE NOW WE ARE BEST

FRIENDS AND WE WILL NEVER BE

ALONE *

* BREAK IT DOWN.

KRISPY KREME, BREAK IT DOWN *

JUST BREAK IT DOWN *

* GOT UP TO THE PARTY, THERE

WERE GIRLS EVERYWHERE.

THEY ASKED IF THEY COULD GET

ME, I SAID SURE, I DON'T CARE.

*

* HE SAID I'M NOT VERY SMOOTH.

WELL MAYBE SOME DAY I COULD

TOUCH A GIRL'S BOOB *

* TOBACCO SAYS THANKS KRISPY,

YOU ARE THE MAN *

* WE ARE GETTING GIRLS ALL DAY,

YOU ARE NEVER EVER GOING BACK

HOME *

* BECAUSE NOW WE ARE BEST

FRIENDS AND WE WILL NEVER BE

ALONE *

* WE ARE CHILLING IN L.A.,

GETTING GIRLS ALL DAY, WE ARE

NEVER EVER GOING BACK HOME,

BECAUSE NOW WE ARE BEST

FRIENDS AND WE WILL NEVER BE

ALONE *

* PEACE *

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> FOR THE RECORD, WE ARE NOT

ACTUALLY BEST FRIENDS.

I ONLY MET THAT GUY ONCE.

WE ARE CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES AT

BEST.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST, LET'S SEE IF THAT

ASIAN IS STILL IMPATIENT.

>> (LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS THE MAN SHOT.

THIS IS MY BROTHER JOE.

HERE WE GO.

>> OH!

>> COME ON, COME ON!

OH!

>> OH, YEAH!

>> THAT IS THE MAN SHOT.

GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND

DRINK A SHOT OF TEQUILA.

I LIKE TO BELIEVE MY FANS ARE

MORE SOPHISTICATED.

THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE

SHOT.O.

>> OKAY.

START WITH A LINE OF WEED.

* WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!

*.

>> I'M DONE.

>> THE POISON IS TINGLING.

OKAY.

THAT IS FINE TEQUILA.

YOU DON'T SHOOT THIS.

YOU SIP IT.

THAT IS HOW YOU DO A SHOT.O.

*.

>> INVENT YOUR OWN SHOTS AND

FILM THEM.

>> YOU ARE NOT 21, USE VODKA

AND JUST SAY IT'S WATER.

SEND THEM TO OUR BLOG.

WHILE YOU ARE THERE, UP-LOAD A

CLIP FOR A CHANCE TO SEE OUR

VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK, WE HAVE A

FIRST-TIME WINNER.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE

BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF NORWAY.

* (LAUGHTER)

>> THAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE

TONY SCOTT EVER DIRECTED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

BENSON INTERRUPTION.

FIRST THEY PAID ME A LOT OF

MONEY TO TELL YOU TO WATCH

THIS TRAILER.

THE ONLY RESTRICTION I'M NOT

ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF IT.

FEEL FREE TO DO IT ON YOUR

OWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WELCOME BACK.

I FORGOT HOW MUCH I HATE DOING

THIS.

THE OTHER DAY I SENT MY

TWITTER FOLLOWERS A VIDEO OF

GALLONS OF PUS BEING SQUEEZED

OUT AFTER PIMPLE ON A HORSE'S

ASS.

I LOVE CLIPS LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE THEY REALLY BRING

PEOPLE TOGETHER.

BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH

PUTTING GROSS THINGS ON THE

SHOW IS THAT I DON'T GET TO

WATCH YOU ENJOYING IT.

THAT IS WHY I ASK YOU TO

GATHER YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY

AT HOME AND FILM YOUR REACTION

FOR MY AMUSEMENT.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> A HORSE PIMPLE.

>> OH!

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THAT POOR HORSE.

>> NO!

>> IF YOU ARE UPSET YOU DIDN'T

SEE THAT VIDEO, IT IS YOUR OWN

FAULT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING

ME ON TWITTER.

I LINKED IT OUT FIVE DAYS AGO.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, A SWEET

LADY GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

>> I WOKE UP TO GET ME A COLD

POP.

THEN I THOUGHT SOMEBODY WAS

BARBECUING.

I SAID OH, LORD, JESUS.

I RAN OUT.

I DIDN'T GRAB NO SHOES OR

NOTHING, JESUS.

I RAN FOR MY LIFE.

THEN THE SMOKE GOT ME.

I GOT BRONCHITIS.

NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

>> I DEFINITELY HAVE TIME FOR

THAT.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COM.

BUY STUFF AT OUR STORE BUT

ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.

COME SEE ME ON TOUR.

F ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.

BRICKLEBERRY IS COMING UP.

TIME FOR THIS WEEK'S SPOILER

ALERT.

IN THIS EPISODE, STEVE DIES.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, AND WE ARE MOVING TO

SUNDAYS AT 1:00 P.M.

SEE YOU THEN.