Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC]

WE HAVE RETURNED.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0 IT HAS BEEN

ANNEXILERATING 57 DAYS WITHOUT

YOU THE WARDROBE WILL BE OVER

PRICED CONCERT T'S.

WAIT... WITH SEXY STUBBLE.

[APPLAUSE] YOU ARE RIGHT TO

CHEER.

I'M VERY MASCULINE I WILL NOT

TOLERATE ANYONE CRITICIZING MY

MUSICAL TASTES THERE IS

REASONING I GET PAID MILLIONS

OF DOLLARS TO HAVE OPINIONS YOU

HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OUR FIRST PIECE IS FROM JAPAN

DRIVEWAYEDS.

NOW LISTEN TO AS MUCH MUSIC AS

WE ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY FOR

FREE.

>> THERE WE HAVE A BASED.

AND THEY ARE NOT FROM JAPAN I'M

GUESSING BECAUSE CANADA DROIDS

DON'T HAVE THE SAME RING.

TONIGHT CIVIL RIGHT'S ACTISTS.

HOW MY STAFF TRAINS DURING THE

OFF SEASON.

NOW LET'S WATCH THE SON OF

GOD'S FACE PLANT FOR OUR SINS

AGAIN.

[MUSIC] SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET

CRUCIFIED FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER].

YOU ARE FREE, RUN JESUS!

EVEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE

IN SCIENCE STILL HAVE TO

BELIEVE IN GRAVITY.

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

AMEN!

[MUSIC]

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR

MURDERING YOUR CARPENTER.

YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH

GALVANIZED SPIRAL SHAFT NAILS

THAT WERE WHOLE.

[LAUGHTER].

YOU CAN LITERALLY SEAT POUNDS

MELTING OFF THIS NEXT GUY.

DOWN!

DOWN!

IT IS GROSS BUT IT IS SO CLOSE

TO MY HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER].

THERE IS NO WAY THAT DOESN'T

COME WITH A BONUS SHARK.

[LAUGHTER] I KNOW WHAT HE WAS

LOOKING AT.

ELIZABETH'S STOMACH.

THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOUR

BELLY BUTTON?

GOOD NEWS WE FOUND HONEY

BO-BO'S BIOLOGICAL PARENTS.

THE DOG AND A PIG.

THEIR BABY IS GOING TO BE THE

TASTEIEST CHINESE FOOD EVER!

YEA.

WILBER WENT THROUGH A DARK

PERIOD AFTER CHARLOTTE DIED.

EVERYBODY IT TO BANG A PORK ARE

FROM TIME TO TIME, EVEN ME.

TAKE -- [LAUGHTER].

HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR HAM GLAZED.

[LAUGHTER].

>> THIS NEXT GUY ARIZONA MANY

TOUR DE FRANCE TITLES AS LANCE

ARMSTRONG.

[LAUGHTER].

THAT GUY IS HUGE.

[LAUGHTER].

STILL FIND A WAY TO TAKE UP A

WHOLE LANE.

[LAUGHTER].

HE HAS THE WORLD'S TINIEST CASE

OF TESTICULAR CANCER.

I HAVE A SMALL ARE BICYCLE AND

IT IS BUILT FOR 2.

WHERE WAS THE BIKE.

DU SEE IT?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

THIS SHOW IS NOT TRYING

ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW BUS STOP HAVE MORE OF?

GERMS... SHE PROBABLY STEPPED

IN SOMETHING REALLY DELICIOUS.

YOU THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER?

OR ARE THEY KILLING TIME?

ALL RIGHT.

GET BACK TO COACHING THE JETS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

YES.

[LAUGHTER].

OH !

YOU GOTTA BE SH --ING ME.

NO PAY RESPECT TO THE GREEN

MILE IN THE NEXT BREAK DOWN.

ZOO'S ARE LIKE PRISONS FOR

ANIMALS THIS MAY GET GRAPHIC.

PLEASE, STOP FEEDING YOUR TACOS

TO THE MONKEYS THAT IS THE

BEHAVIOR YOU EXPECT FROM

SOMEONE RAISED BY JAMES FRANCO.

DIRTY AP E IS TIRED OF GETTING

UP STAGED BITE PANNEDACE YOU

ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SH I I

WHERE YOU EAT BUT WHAT IS THE

POLICY OF WHAT YOU SH -- RAIN

FOREST CAFE IS OPEN FOR LUNCH

THIS TOMORROW HEAL MAKE A POOP

WITHIN A POOP.

IT IS POOP SECTION.

>> I NEED A KICK.

[LAUGHTER].

HOW ELSE WILL YOU GET A HOT

MEAL WHEN THE ONLY OVEN IS YOUR

STOMACH.

JANE GOODAL HAD TO DO THE SAME

TO EARN THE TRUST OF HER AP ES.

SHARE.

>> MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO-DO.

>> I'M GLAD THEY ARE NOT

WORKING ON A DEADLIER STRAIN OF

AIDS.

>> Y WOOL BE BACK PLAY US OUT

WEIRD INTERNET WHISTLING GUY.

>> THEY THOUGHT IT WAS

INAPPROPRIATE AND BE

DISRESPECTFUL TO BLACK PEOPLE I

SAY IT IS NOT I LIKE BLACK

PEOPLE.

>> JUDGE HIM NOT BY THE SHOE

POLISH ON HIS FACE BUT THE

PONYTAIL ON HIS MULLET.

THAT WIGGER IS SEAN.

AND FOR SOME REASON PEOPLE

DIDN'T LIKE IT DRUSZED LIKE

BLACK HITLER.

EVERYONE IS TOUCHY THESE DAYS.

WHITE KIDS AND BLACKFACE WAS

PART OF MARTIN LUTHER KING'S

LESSER KNOWN, I HAVE A

NIGHTMARE SPEECH.

BLACKFACE REENFORCED STROIPED

IT IS IS HOW ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

GOT NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR.

THINKING YOUR RACE IS BETTER

DOES NOT MAKE YOU A RACE

>>>.

I'M TOLD THAT'S WHAT EXACTLY

MAKES YOU A RACIST.

STIPULATE SAYING YOU ARE NOT

PREJUDICED BECAUSE YOU HAVE A

FRIEND WHO IS BLACK.

THAT IS LIKE YOU ARE SAYING YOU

ARE NOT A PEDOPHILE BECAUSE

YOUR FRIEND HAS A CHILD.

I DON'T SEE COLOR I LOVE PEOPLE

FROM ALL ETHNIC BACKGROUNDS AS

LONG AS THEY ARE NOT UGLY.

TIMES ARE CHANGING THE CLAN

DITCHED THE HOOD AND CHANGING

THEIR NAME TO THE TEA PARTY.

THAT IS PROGRESS.

I PHONES ARE AVAILABLE IN BLACK

AND WHITE.

AH-HAH, HUSH, EVERYBODY MOVE TO

THE BACK OF THE BUS.

[LAUGHTER].

SEAN IS NOT A RACIST BUT HIS

PARENTS MIGHT BE.

HE WAS A NERDY SECOND GRADE ESH

WHOMENTED TO SPREAD DOCTOR

KING'S MESSAGE THAT'S WHY I

FLEW HIS BLACK ASS OUT ON L.A.

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

REAL CUTE.

YOU HAVE NERVE COMING WITH A

BLACKFACE ON.

>> WIPE THAT OFF.

>> DON'T YOU SASS ME.

HI MR. TOSH.0.

YOU CAN GO HOME AND DON'T TELL

YOUR GRANDMA ABOUT THIS.

SIT DOWN!

SO UNDER PAID.

YOUR LAST NAME IS KING.

IS THERE A RELATION TO MARTIN

LUTHER KING?

>> NO I DON'T THINK SO.

DU PAINT YOUR FACE BLACK OR RUN

IN YOUR MOM'S ROOM AND SAY,

HEY, MOM, WHAT IS THIS OUT FIT

MISSING.

>> MY MOM WAS NOT THERE MY DAD

DID IT.

>> DO D YOU USE SHOE POLISH OR

SHARPY.

>> BLACK MAKE UP.

>> WHERE DID YOU GET THAT.

PARTY STORE.

>> THEY WANTED MY FACE PAINT

PUT OFF.

ONE DAY BEING BLACK AND LOOK

HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU GOT INTO.

TALK ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

DID ANYONE CALL AL, SHARPTON?

NO.

>> WHAT OTHER BLACK PEOPLE

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRESS UP

LIKE.

>> ROSA PARKS.

>> UH-HUH.

>> THAT WAY YOU KNOCK OFF

CROSS DRESSING AND BLACK.

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?

>> TV.

>> MISSION ACCOMPLISHED HOW

OLD ARE YOU?

>> 8.

>> NOW YOUR DREAMS HAVE COME

TRUE.

NOW WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR THE

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

>> BE ON TV.

>> YOU AND JAY LEN ORGANISM

FRAGRADE ARE YOU?

>> THIRD.

>> I REMEMBER THIRD GRADE.

MR. DANIELS SHE SPANKED ME WITH

A YARDSTICK IN THE CLOSET.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 21.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE 100.

>> WHAT?

>> I WILL THROW A GLOBE AT

YOU.

>> YOU HIT BY THE WORLD?

CAN I HEAR YOUR MLK IMPRESSION.

>> I HAVE A DEEM TODAY THAT

ONE DAY LITTLE BLACK BOYS AND

BLACK GIRLS WILL BE ABLE TO

JOIN HANDS WITH -- I LOST

INTEREST LIKE WHEN MY

GIRLFRIEND STARTS TALKING ABOUT

HER DREAM.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER

BEFORE I LET YOU GO HOME.

THANK YOU FOR COMING N. HOW WAS

THE PARENT/TEACH ARE

CONFERENCE.

>> IT WAS DISAPOINTING TO HAVE

THEM PULL US ASIDE ON SOMETHING

RIDICULOUS THAT BROUGHT IT UPON

THEMSELVES.

>> HOW?

>> THEY GAVE HIM THE PROTECT

AND ASSIGNED HIM MARTIN LUTHER

KING.

YOU THOUGHT THERE IS NO WAY HE

CAN GO IN WITHOUT BLACK MAKE UP

ON YOUR FACE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> I THINK YOU LEAVE THE PAINT

AT HOME.

YOU THINK THIS MAY HAVE BEEN A

LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE.

>> NOT AT ALL.

WHAT WAS INTERESTING IS

EVERYONE WAS DRESSED UP WITH

FACE PAINT MAKE UP.

NOBODY IN BLACKFACE?

>> WE HAD LUCILLE BALL A

LITTLE GIRL SHE WAS BLACK UP

WITH HER HAIR UP AND RED.

>> SHE DIDN'T PAINT HER FACE.

>> WOULD YOU LET HIM GO AS

BLACKFACE AGAIN?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> SEAN?

LISTEN TO ME... DO NOT EVER DO

THAT AGAIN.

THANK YOU MR. KING FOR COMING

DOWN AND SEAN IT IS THE IN FAIR

YOU WERE SENT HOME AFTER YOUR

HARD WORK.

THIS TIME COME UP WITH ANOTHER

FIGURE THAT NO ONE WILL BE OSHG

FENDED BY.

THE WORLD WANTS YOU TO GIVE IT

ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES.

>> OUR NEXT HISTORICAL FIGURE

FROM SUZIE.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR.

PRESIDENT... [APPLAUSE].

OKAY.

>> THAT WAS VERY EROTIC AND

INFORMATIVE.

OUR NEXT PRESENTER WAS HELD

BACK BECAUSE OF HIS PORTRAYAL

OF MLK, HERE TO PRESENT A NEW

HISTORICAL FIGURE, SEAN KING.

>> AL-QUAEDA I LOVE THE JIHAD

AND THE BEHEADING THINGS I AM

IF MOVIES AND CONDOLEEZA RICE

MY BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT WAS

BLOWING UP THE TWIN TOWER ON

SEPTEMBER 11TH.

>> DEATH TO AMERICA!

BANG, BANG, BANG... [APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE PRESIDENT.

GREAT JOB JUNIOR SEAL TEAM 6.

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] YOU GET

IT?

HE IS HALF BLACK.

WE GET IT.

>> WE GET NOT THAT WE DON'T GET

THE JOKE.

IT IS ABOUT NOT WANTING IT.

DOES HE KNOW I DO OBAMA

ALREADY.

>> I DO, OBAMA, TOO.

>> NO YOU DON'T.

>> YOU MIGHT BE, OBAMA, NO,

NO.

LOUDER DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.

>> HE IS GOING TO SAY HIS NAME

LIKE THAT.

OBAMA -- WHAT THE -- WHAT IS

THAT?

[APPLAUSE] SYNERGY THAT'S WHAT

IT IS ABOUT.

WE'LL BE BACK BUT FIRST YOUR

PRANK OF THE WEEK SPONSORED BY

TBS.

>> A TRUCK IS GETTING TOWED IT

IS COMING OUT OF -- WE WILL SEE

IF WE CAN SCARE HER.

WAKE UP THERE IS A TRUCK!

[SCREAMING] [APPLAUSE]

FOLLOWING OF A PRESENTATION OF

HB.0 SPORTS.

[MUSIC]

>> FALL HAS BEGUN THE TOSH.0

TEAM RETURNS TO THE OFFICE

REJUVENATED AFTER THE OFF

SEASON.

>> TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT!

>> NOT EVERYONE ON STAFF HAS

MAINTAINED PEEK PHYSICAL

CONDITION.

>> HEAD GLIDER NICK COME TO

CAMP 20 POUNDS OVER WEIGHT.

TOSH KNOWS HE HAS TO HANDLE IT

DELICATELY.

>> YOU ARE FAT AS --

>> TOSH WASTES NO TIME.

>> I'M SURE YOU ARE RUSTY

LET'S GET TO WORK.

>> AFTER 4 SEASON AND

COUNTLESS INTERNET VIDEOS THE

TEAM STRUGGLES TO FIND THE

RIGHT CLIPS.

>> WE'LL NEVER USE THAT.

>> THAT'S NOT FOR US.

>> NO, IDIOT.

>> NO.

>> UP YOUR GAME.

>> NO!

ALL HE CARES IS ABOUT PRODUCE.

>> IMPROVEMENT IS NEEDED AND

TOSH' HIGH STANDARDS CAUSE SOME

TO CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE.

KEEP GOING.

RIGHT; RIGHT . RIGHT!

GIVE ME SOMETHING, DIG DEEP.

THERE YOU GO!

RIGHT, RIGHT!

[MUSIC] [LAUGHTER] WHY ARE YOU

COMING FORWARD YOU ARE GOING TO

JOG IN PLACE?

COME ON, KNEES UP.

WITH TAPE DAY APPROACHING TOSH

ATTEMPTS TO MOTIVATE HIS TEAM

WITH INSPIRING WORDS.

ZOO PISS POOR EFFORT FROM

EVERYONE OF YOU EXCLUDING ME!

IF WE DO THAT NEXT WEEK SONS OF

ANARCHY WILL DESTROY US IN THE

18-24 MAIL DEMO, IS THAT WHAT

YOU WANT?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!

THEN PLAY LIKE IT MATTERS.

HIT THE SHOWERS.

[MUSIC] AFTER A TENSE MORNING,

TOSH BRIGHTENS THE MOVE WITH

LIGHT HEARTED HAZING OF THE

ROOKIE WRITERS.

THE THINGS GET SERIOUS WHEN IT

IS TIME TO MAKE THE FIRST

CUSTODY CAMP.

>> COME IN, HAVE A SEAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, RIGHT?

WE ARE LETTING YOU GO.

THIS IS NOT THE END FOR YOU.

>> I GOTTA CALL MY GRANDMA.

[LAUGHTER].

CALL YOUR GRANDMA.

WEIRDO.

HOLD ON.

-- THE PROBLEM IS YOU WRITE IN

CURSIVE I DON'T LIKE TO READ

CURSIVE NO ONE LIKES TO READ

CURSIVE.

I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN IN

YOUR MARKER.

>> PLEASURE WORKING FOR YOU.

>> OKAY.

GOTTA GO.

WHERE WAS THIS?

>> TEAM MORALE AT AN ALL TIME

LOW AND TENSION MOUNTINGS TOSH

HITS THE STUDIO EARLY FOR THE

FINAL PRESEASON EPISODE.

>> 3, 2, 1 -- WELCOME BACK TO

TOSH.0.

PERFECT.

>> SECOND STRING.

>> VETERAN BACK UP HOST CAN'T

WAIT FOR HIS LAST SHOT AT GREEN

SCREEN GLORY.

>> DOESN'T FEEL I APPEAL TO

YOUNG ARE DEMOGRAPHICS TELL

THAT TO THE 18 YEAR OLDS I

FINGERED LAST NIGHT.

FOR TOSH EACH NEW DAY MEANS A

CHANCE TO IMPROVE.

DESPITE THE FAME, WOMEN, MONEY,

CARS, MEN, WORLD TOURS ISSUE

CARTOON SHOWS, GOLDMAN SACS

ACCOUNTSES AND DESIGNER DOGS

TOSH IS THE LAST ONE OUT OF THE

DOOR EACH NIGHT TEMPERATURE THE

ONLY WAY HE KNOWS.

[APPLAUSE]

>> I LOOKED HOT LIKE THE REAL

DOLPHINS THERE ARE NOT A LOT OF

STAR POWER ON THAT TEAM.

GO TO TOSHCOMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE

[APPLAUSE].

WELCOME BACK IF MY SEXY STUBBLE

TURNS YOU ON KNOW IT WILL CHAFE

YOUR THIGHS WHEN I GO DOWNTOWN.

I'M AN ART COLLECTOR AND ON THE

LOOK OUT FOR A NEW MASTERPIECE

TO PUT ON MY WALL.

MONEY IS AN OBJECT I SOUGHT OUT

THE MOST OVER RATED

PHOTOGRAPHERS WORK MY FANS ON

INSTAGRAM.

IF THOSE WERE SOUR PATCH KIDS

WE COULD NOT SHOW THESE ON

TELEVISION.

>> NEXT!

LOOK LIKE AN INSTAGRAM AND A

HALF TO ME.

I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE.

THAT'S CUTE EXCEPT FOR ONE OF

YOU.

WHAT IF THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT

AND HE WAS TAKING A PICTURE OF

A SUNSET.

YOU BACKED YOUR ASS IN THE

SHOT.

YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE A SLAM

DUNK FOR THE WINNER.

I CAN'T RISK HANGING A

POTENTIAL 7 ON MY WALL.

OH. I LIKE THIS RAW.

THAT CAT IS MADE OUT OF BALL

SKIN I LIKE THIS ONE!

OUT IN THE MAN CAVE.

YOU THINK THIS WOULD WIN THAT F

BEING OUT.

THAT IS WHAT RUINED IT FOR ME.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE WINNER.

HERE IS THE PHOTO I HAVE CHOSEN

FOR MY WALL THIS ONE HAS IT

ALL.

[LAUGHTER].

THE RED FILTER, HAUNTING GAZE.

THICK PRESCRIPTION.

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS BUT I

WANT HIM TO WATCH ME.

[LAUGHTER].

NEXT WEEK WE PROFILED BADDEST

RAPPER ON THE INTERNET, CRISPY

CREAM.

>> YOU STINK LIKE A PART --

>> YOU GOT SOMETHING.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO I CAN

PRETEND TO CARE BUT.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG WE HAVE 2

NEW BLOGGERS MATT AND SAM, ONE

OF THEM IS A DUDE.

BUY STUFF AT OUR STORE AND IF

YOU LOVE ME YOU WILL SEE ME

LIVE.

NEW DATES IN MINNEAPOLIS AND

TAHOE.

RED LETTER DAY BRICKEL BERRY IS

PREMIERING TONIGHT.

I HAVE NOT TALKED A LOT ABOUT

THIS SHOW NOW IS A SPOIL ARE

ALERT.

MALOI LOOSES VERGINITY AND

ETHYL GETS SHOT.

GOOD NIGHT AND WELCOME TO

BRICKEL BERRY.

[APPLAUSE]