Original subtitles

>> HI.

TODAY I'M SELLING GIRL SCOUT

COOKIES AND SO FAR I'VE BEEN

DOING THIS MANY AND -- SORRY,

UM, I ALREADY SOLD 60 BOXES.

WHOOP-WHOOP.

WHOOP-WHOOP.

I USUALLY SELL LIKE TEN BOXES

BUT I SOLD 60.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OW.

[LAUGHTER]

[ CRYING ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR

BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE TO THE

GROCERY STORE YOU COOKIE PUSHER.

WHOOP-WHOOP.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

THIS IS THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF

SICK KICKS FOR THE LADIES AND

ENDING WITH THE NIKE AIR MAX

PLUS 2012 OLYMPIC EDITION.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE

INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION THAN

WITH A SHOE MADE BY CHINESE

CHILDREN FOR AMERICAN PROFIT.

THE USA!

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE PROVE

THAT IT'S NOT EASY BEING QUEASY.

I GO FOR THE GOLD AND I BLOW

YOUR GODDAMN MIND WITH MY 100%

ACCURATE PREDICTIONS.

ALL RIGHT.

TIME TO WORK ON HER FIRST-AID

BADGE.

>> I ALREADY SOLD 60 BOXES.

>> YOU DIDN'T DO [BLEEP].

THEY SELL THEMSELVES.

>> I USUALLY SELL LIKE TEN BOXES

BUT I SOLD 60.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU KNOW WHO LOVES THIS

VIDEO, EVERYONE IN HER DAD'S

OFFICE.

LUCKILY THERE'S A THIN MINT IN

THE FREEZER FROM '07.

REDUCES SWELLING.

THERE'S A CONSPIRACY THEORY

GOING AROUND SHE DIDN'T FALL.

SHE WAS PUSHED.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]

>> OW.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

FIVE BUCKS A BOX.

COOKIES.

NUM, NUM, NUM.

>> Tosh: NOT ONE ACTING CLASS

EVER.

ONLY FURRY WEAR IS MONSTER FUR.

HERE'S PROOF BALLY HAS BEEN A

[BLEEP] HOLE FOR YEARS.

THERE ARE NO STATIONARY BIKES AT

THE GYM BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T

INVENTED THE WHEEL YET.

THAT'S WHAT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

ROOM WILL LOOK LIKE AT PENN

STATE ONCE THEY'RE DONE GETTING

SUED.

THE PLACE CLOSES AT DUSK BECAUSE

THAT'S WHEN THE PTERODACTYLS

TAKE TO THE SKY.

GUESS WHO'S GETTING GROUNDED FOR

ARSON.

>> MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

>> OH, MY GOD, HELL NO!

WHAT THE [BLEEP]!

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

OH, MY GOD!

>> Tosh: LET'S HOPE THE SECOND

RESPONDERS ARE MEN.

>> OH, HELL [BLEEP]ING NO.

>> Tosh: WE NARROWED DOWN THE

SUSPECTS TO ANYONE WHO EVER

HEARD YOU TALK.

>> GET IT OUT

>> Tosh: I'M SURE THE CAT WAS

SMART ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE

BURNING HOUSE.

TOO BAD SHE'S NOT HOLDING SOME

MAGICAL DEVICE THAT CAN SUMMON

HIGHLY-TRAINED PROFESSIONALS TO

STOP THE FIRE FROM SPREADING.

COMING UP ON THE WHEELS OF STEEL

IT'S D.J. CRANKY PANTS.

>> [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: YEAH, SLUT, YOU COULD

HAVE HIT CUE AND RUINED THE

WHOLE EVENING.

THAT SHOULD HAPPEN EVERY TIME

PARIS HILTON STEPS UP TO A D.J.

BOOTH.

[***]

>> Tosh: IT'S KIND OF LIKE A

DEDICATION.

I CAN'T WAIT HOW ACCURATELY

SHE'LL DESCRIBE THE

CONFRONTATION ON HER BLOG.

NOT ALL HORSES HAVE THE WILD

[BLEEP] BEATEN OUT OF THEM.

>> Tosh: GOOD TIME TO MENTION

THE QUEER-BASHERS AT CHICK-FIL-A

ONLY SERVE HORSE MEAT.

NOW PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE CAN

MAKE.

HE USED APPLE-SCENTED BODY WASH

AND THEN BECAME THE DUMBEST

SUPERHERO EVER, HORSE SPIDERMAN.

THERE'S NOT A PRETT YEAR PLACE

ON EARTH TO PET MILEY CYRUS.

THEY'RE NOT ALL AS EAGER TO

[BLEEP] YOU AS MR. HAND.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL,

WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE ANYTHING.

LET'S WATCH HER VOID THE

RASCAL'S WARRANT THIS WEEK'S

AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT

TO BREAKDOWN.

ESCALATORS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

FOR US NORMAL HAS IT LIKE TO

P

PRETEND OUR LEGS DON'T WORK AND

THIS CAN GET DICEY.

YOU LET ONE PERSON WITHOUT LEGS

COMPETE IN LONDON AND LOOKS WHAT

HAPPENED.

THE DOCTOR SAID SHE'D NEVER WALK

AGAIN AND NOW SHE'S DOING

BACKFLIPS.

A TRUE INSPIRATION.

THIS VIDEO CAN GO ON FOREVER.

SHE'S ACCIDENT PRONE.

GO TO THE TOP AND MAKE SURE NO

ONE SHUTS IT DOWN WHEN YOUR

HALFWAY UP.

LIKE MITCH SAID AN ESCALATOR CAN

NEVER BREAK IT CAN ONLY BECOME

STAIRS.

SHE'S BEEN ABLE THE WHOLE TIME?

TOW THAT LINE YOU [BLEEP] CAR.

THE ONLY THING SHE'S REALLY

SUFFERING FROM IS CRIPPLING

LAZINESS BUT HER CAN'T-DO

ATTITUDE IS WHAT MAKES THIS

COUNTRY SO MEDIOCRE.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BARF

BUT FIRST THIS GUY'S REALLY BAD

AT SKIPPING STONES.

>> STRIPED BANANA.

SUPPOSEDLY IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE

YOU PUKE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH

THEY'D BE PUKING IF THEY DRANK

THE SIERRA MIST [BLEEP].

SOME SCIENTIST FOUND OUT IF YOU

DRINK IT AND GO ON IT WILL MAKE

YOU THROW UP.

THE ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD MAKE

YOURSELF VOMIT IS IF YOU'D

SWALLOWED POISON OR NEED TO GO

DOWN A DRESS SIZE.

RALPHING IS A STAPLE OF THIS

SHOW BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW

BRILLIANT I AM I'LL NEVER BE

FUNNIER THAN A GUY [BLEEP]ING

THROUGH HIS TEETH.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME THIS SHOW

WOULD BE ABOUT FLIPPING

MILLION-DOLLAR HOUSES BUT COMEDY

CENTRAL PAYS ME TO KEEP YOU

HAPPY

I KNOW IT MEANS WE'LL PROBABLY

NEVER WIN AN EMMY BUT I'M FINE

WITH AN ORGANIZATION THAT

CONSIDERS VEEP TO BE A SHOW AND

I POUNDED BANANA AND SPRITE

BEFORE I RODE A CARNIVAL RIDE.

THIS IS WEEK'S REGURGITTION.

>> DID VISIT THE BANANA AND

SPRITE STAND?

OKAY.

HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?

I DON'T CARE.

LET'S GET YOU IN THERE.

LET'S GET YOU IN THERE.

THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.

THIS SHOULD BE DELIGHTFUL.

THIS RIDE DOESN'T STOP UNTIL

EVERYONE POPS.

THE FIRST ONE TO BLOW.

YOU GET IT.

EAT YOUR BANANAS WE'LL THROW UP.

OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BANANA.

NOW IT'S TIME TO OBEY YOUR

THIRST.

THIS IS ONLY LEVEL ONE.

LET'S KICK IT UP TO THE ADULT

SETTING.

FREE REFILL?

WE HAVE A PUKER EVERYONE.

WE HAVE A PUKER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT'S NOBODY WAITING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, ONE MORE TIME?

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

THERE WE GO, MY FRIEND.

GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.

LET ME GET YOUR SAFETIES.

THERE YOU GO.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING A

HEADER.

THAT'S FINE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT WAS SO FUN BUT

REMEMBER YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY

NOT FILM YOURSELF DOING THE

SPRITE BANANA CHALLENGE AT

AMUSEMENT PARKS THIS SUMMER.

THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY

IRRESPONSIBLE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

INSTALLMENT OF THE DEADLIEST

DOCK.

>> OH, JESUS CHRIST!

IT'S ALL MINE, IT'S ALL MINE.

>> IT'S A SHARK!

A SHARK!

IT'S A BIG ASS SHARK!

>> I HAVE A CAMERA.

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

PLUS HE JUST QUALIFIED FOR THE

PARALYMPIC.

EVERY FOUR YEARS WE SPEND TWO

WEEKS WATCHING ATHLETE COMPETE

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OWN A BOX OF

DISGUSTING CEREAL'S NO ONE'S

BO

BOUGHT SINCE THE 50s.

WHO WANTS TO GO TO LONDON?

IT'S LIKE BOSTON WITH A BIG

CLOCK.

OLYMPICS HAVEN'T BEEN FUN SINCE

'92 SINCE THE DREAM TEAM.

BARCELONA STARTED CRANKING OUT

BEAUTIFUL MIXED-RACED BALLERS.

GREEKS ONLY CREATED THE OLYMPICS

BECAUSE THEY NEEDED SOMETHING TO

WATCH WHILE THEY EIGHT.

THAT'S THE 2012 TOSH.OLYMPICS

GAMES.

>> HE LOADS INTO THE BLOCKS IN

THE HISTORIC TOSH.OLYMPIAD

GAMES.

>> JUDO?

IT'S AS IF HE'S BEEN TRAINING

ALL MORNING.

THIS WILL MAKE THE REMATCH

TRICKY.

TIME TO THROW STUFF.

HE CHUCKS THE METAL FRISBEE AND

THE SOFTBALL.

TOSH RACES THROUGH THE FIELD

LIKE A BARREL-CHESTED [BLEEP].

OH, HITS HIS HEAD ON THE

RELEASE.

CAN WE SEE A REPLAY?

NO?

OKAY.

FOREHAND FOLLOWED BY A

TWO-HANDED BACKHAND INTO

WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS.

THE JUDGES AREN'T GOING TO LIKE

THAT.

HE CLEANS IT, HE JERKS IT AND

EVEN HAS TIME TO GET A QUICK NAP

IN.

THIS IS WHERE TOSH TRULY EXCELS

HANDLING BALLS.

SPIKES THE VOLLEYBALL INTO THE

CAMERA.

A HEADER FOR A GOOOAAAL!

LOOK OUT DREAM TEAM BECAUSE

LADANIEL JUST BROUGHT THE HOUSE

DOWN AND SHOTS UP FOR GYMNASTICS

AND HE POWDERED HIS NOSE FOR

EXTRA ENERGY.

TAKE THAT G SERIES.

JUST DELIGHTFUL.

SUCK IT CHINA.

MUST BE NICE TO HUG A MAN AND

NOT A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT WILL

NEVER HAVE A PERIOD.

THAT COUNTS AS EQUESTRIAN?

SEEMS LIKE A STRETCH.

REMEMBER, NOBODY NEEDS AN

ASSAULT RIFLE FOR ANY REASON.

HE'LL PROBABLY GET A LOW SCORE

BECAUSE OF THAT BUT IT DOESN'T

SEEM TO BOTHER HIM AS HE SWIMS

INTO THE END OF THE POOL AND

INTO ROWING.

HERE IT IS.

THE FINAL LEG OF THE DECATHLON.

HE DOES IT THE JUDGES ARE

FACTORING IN TIME, DISTANCE AND

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY.

DANIEL TOSH JUST MADE DANIEL

PHELPS LOOK LIKE A LAZY BITCH.

>> Tosh: I COMPLETED IN RECORD

TIME NOW CAN WE START FOOTBALL

SEASON?

THAT'S ALL AMERICANS CARE ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE SO

UPSET ABOUT DOPING.

IT MAKES SPORTS SO MUCH EASIER.

THIS VIDEO COME TO US FROM

TALKIE PITCHERS.

>> IF I WAS HOMELESS I'D MOVE TO

FLORIDA.

>> YEAH, FLORIDA.

>> Tosh: HOMELESS GUYS ARE

MOCKING US.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

FIRST COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW I EVER

APPEARED ON, PREMIUM BLEND.

CHAMPIONS

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK TO THE

CLOSING CEREMONIES THIS IS THE

LAST EPISODE OF SUMMER AND IT

COULDN'T COME SOON ENOUGH.

I'M SO BURNED OUT ON YOU GUYS I

ALMOST DON'T WANT TO DO THE

PLUGS.

I SAID ALMOST.

GO TO TWITTER TO GET TO KNOW THE

REAL DANIEL AND KEEP UP WITH THE

BLOG AT TOSH DOT COMEDY CENTRAL

DOT COM.

BUY THINGS FROM OUR STORE AND

COME SEE ME DO STAND-UP IN A

WEALTHY BEACH COMMUNITY LIKE

SAN

SANTA B

SANTA BARBARA AND THIS IS THE

LAST BRICKLEBERRY PROMO FOR THE

SUMMER.

WANT TO HEAR THE THEME SONG?

[ ALL "SURE" ]

[***]

>> Tosh: CATCHY, HUH?

UNLESS NOBODY WATCHES IT I

PREDICT BRICKLEBERRY WILL BE A

SUCCESS AND AS YOU KNOW WHEN I

PUT A MOUTH ON SOMETHING IT

COMES TRUE AND HERE'S MORE

THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN WHILE

AWAY ON VACATION.

AUGUST 9, IN ADELE SEX TAPE WILL

LEAK ONLINE TO OVERWHELMINGLY

POSITIVE REVIEWS.

AUGUST 22, TOBEY MAGUIRE WILL

FIND A MYSTERIOUS LUMP ON HIS

BODY AND BE TOO AFRAID TO GET IT

CHECKED OUT REMEMBER, THE WORLD

IS PREDESTINED SO DON'T BLAME

ME.

IT'S GOD'S FAULT.

I JUST HAVE A GIFT.

ON AUGUST 29th, DURING THE

REMEMBER NATIONAL CONVENTION A

REPRESENTATIVE FROM NORTH

CAROLINA WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS

MIC IS STILL ON WILL CALL OBAMA

THE N WORD.

ON SEPTEMBER 2 THE PRICE OF A

GALLON OF GAS WILL GO UP AS MUCH

AS SIX CENTS IN A MAJOR MARKETS

.

DISREGARD IF YOU'RE NOT MAJOR

MARKET.

ON SEPTEMBER 5 BRAD PITT WILL

CHEAT ON ANGELINA JOLIE WITH

SOMEONE IN THE WARDROBE

DEPARTMENT OF HIS MOVIE.

THAT'S PROBABLY HAPPENING NOW.

SEPTEMBER 11, UNEVENTFUL,

BELIEVE IT FOR THE.

NOT A LOT HAPPENS THAT DAY.

SEPTEMBER 13th, APPLE WILL SHOCK

THE WORLD REVEALING THE APPLE 5

WOULD BE SLOWER THAN PREVIOUS

MODELS AND NOT AS BRIGHT.

ON SEPTEMBER 17th YOU'LL BE TEN

MINUTES LATE TO WORK.

SEPTEMBER 20th TIM TEBOW WILL EM

IMPREGNATE LO LO JONES LIE A

DREW HUMMING SESH AND THEN BRUCE

SPRINGSTEEN DIES IN A CARD

ACCIDENT ON SEPTEMBER 25th THE

CHEESE CAKE FACTORY WILL TAKE

THREE ITEMS OFF THEIR 50 ITEM

MENU AND NO ONE WILL GIVE A

[BLEEP].

FINALLY, I STRUGGLE WITH HOW TO

SAY GOOD-BYE TO MY FRIENDS.

I SAW A CLIP AND I KNEW THAT WAS

THE ONE.

ENJOY.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING TO A FEW WELL-PLACED

BA

BANDAGES WOULDN'T FIX AND I

PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRY.

I WAS RIGHT.