Original subtitles

>> I WAS THINKING -- OH.

IT'S GOT THIS SUCTION THING.

WHAT'S IT FOR?

>> STOP.

WHAT IS THAT SON OF A BITCH?

OH, MY GOD.

>> OKAY.

HE'S DONE.

HERE --

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S DONE?

>> WELL, BECAUSE HE JUST PULLED

IT UP INSIDE OF HIM --

[ SCREAMING ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[***]

>> Tosh: NOTHING SLOW OR STEADY

ABOUT THAT PROTEIN BLAST.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

YOU'D HAVE TO BE INSANE TO SPENT

$200 ON A PAIR OF CHUCKS.

BUT THESE AREN'T JUST ANY

CHUCKS.

THEY WERE DESIGNED BY MASSONI.

STILL NO ARCH SUPPORT THOUGH.

DOESN'T WE ARE A WRONG CLIMBER

THAT POOPD HIS PANTS AND I GET

IN TOUCH WITH MY FEMININE SIDE

AND WATCH MY FANS TRY TO BE

FUNNY.

NOW, LET'S SEE THE TURTLE COME

OUT OF HIS SHELL AGAIN.

YOU GET IT?

COME.

>> GODDAMN WHAT IS THAT SON OF A

BITCH?

>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS?

>> Tosh: IT LOOKS LIKE A

BRATWURST THAT EXPLODED IN THE

MICROWAVE.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S DONE?

>> HE JUST PULLED IT UP INSIDE

OF HIM --

>> AH!

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> DID HE HAVE AN ORGASM?

>> Tosh: CAREFUL THE PATIO'S A

LITTLE SLICK.

MY TURTLE JUST WAXED IT.

>> IS THAT TURTLE PEE?

>> Tosh: HE'LL BE READY FOR

ANOTHER ROUND IN 30 YEARS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HOW MUCH -- HOW

OLD IS HERE.

THAT'S THE CREEPIEST THING YOU

CAN HEAR AN OLD MAN SAY IN A

SOUTHERN ACCENT.

IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME YOU

WAS EATING PIZZA WITH THE TEEN

AGED MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.

THIS NEXT GIRL LOVES TO FLY AND

IT SHOWS.

SHE SHOULD CALL HER BOOBS THE

WRITE SISTERS.

LOCATE THE EXIT NEAREST TO YOU

IN THE EVENT THE PLANE IS ON ITS

PERIOD.

TECHNICALLY IT MAKES HER MOUTH A

COCKPIT.

TECHNICALLY.

THOSE ARE SMALL ENGINES.

THAT'S WHY I ONLY FLY ON JETS.

>> LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: BEFORE WE GO ANY

FURTHER LET ME ADDRESS THE

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

WE ALL SAW MY AMAZING PHYSIQUE

IN THAT LAST BIT.

REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE

SILLY WHEN I TOOK MY SHIRTS POP

THAT'S JUST TWO YEARS AGO.

HYSTERICAL.

NOW IT JUST SEEMS LIKE I'MING

ABOUT MY KILLER ABS, PECS AND

LATS.

DON'T WORRY I WON'T GET FAT LIKE

VINCE VAUGHN AFTER SINGERS BUT I

WILL BE FUNNY AGAIN.

REMEMBER, IT'S CHEATING IF YOU

MAKE YOUR OWN SIGMATA.

I ASSUME MEL GIBSON DIRECTED

THIS.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: BE CAREFUL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS AND HIT

YOUR THUMB.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: AT LEAST PUT DOWN A

COASTER.

COFFEE TABLE IS MUCH MORE

COMFORTABLE.

I HOPE HE WON'T BE A PUSSY AND

PIN THE WHOLE THING JUDAS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR AMASIAN.

THAT'S ASIANS DOING SOMETHING

AMAZING.

[***]

>> Tosh: IS THIS ANIME?

EVERY ROOM OVER THERE IS A

CLASSROOM.

>> Tosh: IF YOU ENJOYED THAT

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW YOU CAN

BY PANTIES IN A VENDING MACHINE.

JAPAN IS WEIRD.

MAYBE NEXT TIME MORE KISSING,

LESS TRASH CANS.

HELLO KITTY.

HARD TO TELL THEM APART IN

UNIFORM BUT THEY PROBABLY THINK

WE ALL LOOK ALIKE TOO.

[***]

[ GUNSHOT ]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I GOT ONE PERSON TO

CLAP.

GREAT.

NOW WE CAN'T DO THE ULTIMATE

TABOO.

THAT'S WHEN IDENTENTICAL TWINS

HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

LOOK IT UP.

NEXT VIDEO IS STILL WAY SAFER

THAN LETTING JASON KIDD DRIVE.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: RACING DOES TO WHITE

GUYS WHAT MOVIES DO TO BLACK

GUYS.

I'M SURE THIS WAS DANICA

PATRICK'S FAULT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET A

CAUSE FLAG AROUND THERE.

HERE'S YET ANOTHER THING WOMEN

DO BETTER THAN MEN.

[***]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T

DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING

WHEN EVERYONE'S WATCHING.

NOW LET'S OBJECTIFY MEN IN THE

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

IT'S OPEN POLE NIGHT DOWN AT THE

LOAD HOUSE SO PLEASE WELCOME TO

THE MAIN STAGE, BURT.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S JUST DOING IT TO PUT HIS

GIRLFRIEND THROUGH COLLEGE.

IT'S CALLED BEEFY Ts FOR A

REASON.

THINK JORDAN WOULD ENDORSE A

PRODUCT EASY TO TEAR.

FYI, MOST OF HULK HOGAN SHIRTS

WERE PRE-RIPPED.

I CAN'T TELL IT'S NOT A GAY CLUB

BECAUSE HE'S NOT IN GOOD SHAPE

AND I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE CLUB.

MAYBE STOP HAVING A WATER FIGHT

WITH YOUR SELF.

NOW SHOVE A FEW POTATO SKINS IN

HIS WAIST AND SEE IF HE STOPS.

AT LEAST WEAR LINEN PANTS SO WE

CAN SEE THE OUTLINE OF THE

PYTHON YOUR PACKING.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

LEAVE THE STAGE UNTIL SOMEONE

RELIEVES YOU.

DOES HAVE SOMEONE HAVE A SHIRT?

I'M GLAD HE REMINDED US JOE

PATERNO'S STATUE SHUT HAVE

FALLEN MINUTES AGO FOR THAT WE

THANK YOU.

WE'

WE'LL BE BACK WITH A [BLEEP]

ROCK CLIMBER.

FIRST, HOW TO CLIMB A KANGAROO.

>> HERE'S ONE HERE NOW.

YOU GET YOUR SHOPPING BAG AND

PUT IT OVER THE KANGAROO AND IT

WILL FALL IN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THERE YOU HAVE A KANGAROO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, I'M SO HUNG OVER.

GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[BLEEP]

>> SUPER STUFFED.

>> YEAH.

>> I [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: TWO GUYS, ONE MOUNTAIN.

DOES SMART WOOL WICK AWAY HUMAN

PIECES.

THAT'S JASON KRUCK AND HE'S

RERESPECTED PLANNER.

[BLEEP]ING IN PUBLIC MEANS WHY

YOU PLANNED YOUR DAY WRONG.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BERRIES,

SEEDS AND OATS WERE IN THAT

TURD?

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT

IT.

I WASN'T A BOY SCOTT BECAUSE BOY

SCOUTS ARE HOMOPHOBIC IN OTHER

WORDS.

CLIMBING FOR CHILDREN AND

MONKEYS.

IF YOU'RE OVER 21 YOU SHOULD BE

SITTING IN A CHAIR ALL DAY

WAITING FOR A BLOOD CLOTS.

A CARABINER ISN'T GOING TO SAVE

YOUR LIFE, IT'S A FANCY KEY

CHAIN FOR FRAT DUDES.

IF GOD WANTED TO YOU CLIMB MT.

EVEREST HE WOULD HAVE PUT OXYGEN

UP THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT BEATS THE HIGH OF

REACHING THE SUMMIT?

FLYING OVER IT IN YOUR PRIVATE

JET.

THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE IS SPACE

MOUNTAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE A FAST

PASS YOU'LL [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.

HERE EVERYONE IS A SOCIAL

CLIMBER ON THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> GOOD MORNING, JASON.

I COULDN'T FINISH TO THE SUMMIT

SO I DECIDED TO TAKE A BREAK AND

REST UP.

YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST.

>> NO, I ATE THIS MORNING.

>> I BET YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND

WHEN YOU FIND OUT VI PIPING HOT

WAFFLES.

>> NOPE.

>> OKAY, THE BATHROOM?

>> NO.

>> OKAY.

I ON THE OTHER HAND NEED TO USE

THIS.

IF YOU GIVE ME A FEW SECONDS

I'LL BE GOOD TO GO.

WE'RE OKAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M AN EXPERIENCED CLIMBER.

>> Tosh: JASON WHERE ARE YOU

FROM?

>> BC CANADA.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S IT NEAR?

>> BETWEEN WHISTLER.

>> Tosh: GOOD LOOKING WOMEN UP

THERE.

>> RESPECT.

>> Tosh: WHEN WAS IT?

>> TWO YEARS AGO

>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED ON THE

DAY?

>> HE WOKE ME UP AND WE WERE

GOING TO SHOOT ON THE CRACK AND

AS IT GO NARROWER I KEPT WEDGING

MY KNEE FOR UPWARD PROGRESS AND

IT LOCKED IN THERE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE YOU

ACTUALLY IN THERE FOR?

>> 25 MINUTES, HALF AN HOUR.

>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK HAVE

YOU TO GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT

THEN?

>> BEFORE THE ROOT.

>> YOU DIDN'T THINK BEFORE WE

START THIS LET ME GO.

>> I'VE DONE THE CLIMB BEFORE

AND THOUGHT I'D ACE UP THERE

REAL QUICK.

>> Tosh: ONCE YOU REALIZE YOU

HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WHEN

DID YOU [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

>> I WAS IN PAIN AND PROBABLY

GOING INTO SHOCK.

>> Tosh: IT WAS A STRATEGY.

DID YOU THINK BY [BLEEP]ING YOU

WOULD LOSE WEIGHT AND YOUR KNEE

WOULD GET SMALLER.

>> NO, IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN

HAVE YOU TO TAKE A [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: WAS IT LIQUID?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: YOU WERE IN WISCONSIN,

TEXAS AND ONCE IN HOLLYWOOD.

THAT'S THE LEAST PROUD.

THE OTHER TWO THERE'S

EXPLANATIONS.

>> TO BE HONEST I DON'T TRUST

ANYONE WHO HASN'T [BLEEP]ED

THEMSELVES AS AN ADULT.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU.

>> THEY'RE PROBABLY A LIAR.

>> Tosh: DO YOU KNOW WHO AARON

ROLF IS?

>> I READ HIS BOOK.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK YOUR

SITUATION WAS MORE DEVASTATING.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT CAN BE

ARGUED MINE WAS MORE

DEVASTATING.

HE LOST AN ARM.

>> Tosh: DID YOU GET AIR LIFTED.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S IT LIKE GOING TO

THE SUMMIT.

>> WE CALL IS A SKY DUMP.

OR A GOOD ARCHING PEE IS

SATISFYING.

>> Tosh: ANY DAYS OF AN ARCHING

PEE IS OVER.

MY URETHRA HAS BEEN RUINED FROM

YEARS OF ABUSE.

DOES THE CRAPPING BRING YOU TWO

CLOSER TOGETHER.

>> SORRY.

>> WE'RE ALREADY.

>> WE WEREN'T THAT GOOD A

BUDDIES BEFORE BUT BROUGHT US

CLOSER.

>> Tosh: WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS

CALL YOU AFTER?

>> THEY CALLED ME POOPY FOR A

WHILE.

>> I WANT TO SEE IF YOU CAN

CLIMB OUTDOORS BEFORE [BLEEP]ING

YOUR SELF.

READY TO GIVE IT A SHOT?

>> YEAH, LET'S GO.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE.

CAN I TRUE IN A KUDOS.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> I HAVE TO POOP.

>> IN A SITUATION LIKE THANK YOU

HAVE TO START PANICKING

IMMEDIATELY.

>> I JUST [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.

>> IF YOU [BLEEP] ON ME I WELL

[BLEEP]ING KILL YOU.

>> HEY, GUYS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> JAMES FRANCO, THE GUY FROM

THE MOVIE THAT PRETENDED TO CUT

HIS HAND OFF.

NO, I'M THE REAL JAMES FRANCO.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU START PULLING

HARD WHEN YOUR ARM WAS STUCK?

>> I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

>> KNOCK IT OFF.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

I'M ABOUT TO [BLEEP] MY PANTS.

>> NOT ON MY WATCH.

>> IT WORKED.

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO POOP ANY

MORE.

>> GREAT, GET OUT OF HERE.

>> NO, DANIEL I CAN'T TAKE MY

FIST OUT OF HIS BUTT.

IT WOULDN'T BE SAFE.

I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

>> HAVE YOU TO CUT MY ARM OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

>> FIRST OF ALL WHY IN THE WORLD

DO YOU CLIMB WITH A CIRCULAR

SAW?

>> I THINK WE BOTH KNOW WHY.

>> I CAN'T DO IT.

>> DAMN IT, DANIEL, HAVE YOU TO.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> NO!

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

>> THANKS.

>> YOU'RE A REAL HERO.

>> DON'T MENTION IT.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE YOU TWO.

>> I BETTER GET ANOTHER BOOK

DEAL OUT OF THIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT

FIRST SOMETIMES NO REFLEXES ARE

THE BEST REFLEXES OF ALL.

>> [BLEEP].

[BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT'S UP, TOSH?

>> DANIEL TOSH, I LOVE YOU.

>> YOU'RE THE BEST.

>> Tosh: SOME FEMINISTS THINK

THE SHOW IS JUST FOR SEXIST

DUDES BUT IN ALL HONESTY, 63%

ARE SEXIST FEMALES.

THAT'S MORE THAN OPRAH'S

COMBINED.

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE

FOR MY TRASHY LADIES BE A GOT A

SUIT TO WALK A MILE IN YOUR

GENITALS.

>> THIS IS NICE.

>> WANT TO SWIM FASTER?

>> NO, THIS IS GOING TO HELP ME

IDENTIFY WITH OUR FEMALE

AUDIENCE.

BATMAN.

YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

>> THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING THE

SHE-KIT.

THE BODY SUIT WITH URINATION

POUCH KIT.

>> Tosh: LOUDER.

>> DO NOT GET LACQUER THINNER OR

RUBBING ALCOHOL ON IT.

WEAR A LOT OF POWDER IN THERE.

>> IT SAYS LAY ON YOUR BACK.

>> IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR NEW

MOMMY.

ALL RIGHT FROM THE WAIST DOWN I

FEEL SEXY.

>> DO NOT PULL THE SUIT UP YOUR

BUTT.

JUST TO THE BUTT CRACK NOT IN

IT.

IF YOU HAVE AN ERECTION YOU'LL

FIND IT EASIER TO GET YOUR PENIS

INTO THE PENIS POUCH.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.

FINALLY, PLACE THE MASK OVER

YOUR HEAD AND ENJOY.

[INDISCERNIBLE].

>> THE WHOLE FOR THE EYES ARE

NOT THE RIGHT SIZE.

>> LET ME WORK MY HAND AROUND TO

YOUR BREAST.

[INDISCERNIBLE].

>> YOUR BREAST ARE IN PLACE.

I'M SUITING YOU UP NOW.

LET ME FIX YOUR BOOBS.

YOU'RE RIGHT ONE'S A LITTLE LOW.

I THINK I REALLY MESSED IT UP.

LET ME ADJUST YOUR WIG.

I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.

>> IT'S JUST OVER 40 MINUTES.

THANKS, BATMAN.

WHERE THE [BLEEP] DID BATMAN GO?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: PUTTING ON THIS

SHE-SKIN MADE ME REALIZE MEN AND

WOMEN ARE NOT THAT DIFFERENT.

AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

IF IT SEEMS I'VE BEEN A LITTLE

CRANKY.

I'M HAVING REALLY BAD CRAMPS.

MY UTERUS IS SHEDDING IT'S

LINING OR SO I'M TOLD.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD OUR CLIP FOR A CHANCE

FOR THE VIEWER VIDEO THIS WEEK

COMES FROM ANN GLASER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I ALWAYS KNEW BOARS HEAD WAS

A TOOL OF THE NAZIS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

TWO-DRINK MINIMUM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS

WEEK YOU'RE NOT WELCOME BACK.

BEAT IT.

SCRAM.

VAMOOSE.

NEXT WEEK'S OUR FINAL EPISODE OF

THE SUMMER AND WE'RE SAYING

GOOD-BYE IN THE CLASSIEST WAY

POSSIBLE WITH A PUKE PARTY OR

THE AGES.

WELL, NEXT WEEK.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

OPEN UP A DIALOG DURING THE

PRE-RECORDED SHOW AND KEEP UP ON

THE ONE BLOG THAT DOESN'T HATE

ME AT TOSH COMEDY CENTRAL DOT

COME AND VISIT OUR STORE TO GET

OUR YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE

IN JULY AND BRICKLEBERRY STARTS

SEPTEMBER 25.

THERE'S ONE FOR THE CHARACTER I

HAVEN'T INTRODUCED YOU TO YET.

DO YOU WANT TO MEET HIM?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

IT LOOKS LIKE A CLASSIC.

AND FINALLY A FEW WEEKS AGO I

INVENTED BRAND NEW INTERNET

CHALLENGES AND ASKED YOU TO COME

UP WITH BETTER ONES BUT OF

COURSE YOU DID NOT.

FAIL.

EPIC FAIL.

SO HERE THE BEST OF THE WORSE.

>> THIS IS A STUPID TALKING TO

YOUR PET CHALLENGE.

STARTING NOW I'M GOING TAKE THE

DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE

CHALLENGE.

>> THE RANDOM PIGGYBACK RIDE

CHALLENGE.

>> THIS IS A DEEP THROAT

POPSICLE CHALLENGE.

>> THIS IS THE

[INDISCERNIBLE]

[ COUGHING ]

>> WE'RE GOING TO DO GEORGE

WASHINGTON CHALLENGE TAKING

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND GETTING IT

RED HOT AND BURNING YOUR ASS

WITH IT.

>> MY INTERNET CHALLENGE TO

WATCH "TOSH.0" WITHOUT GETTING A

BONER.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

THAT CHALLENGE IS IMPOSSIBLE.

NICE CROAKIES BY THE WAY.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.

I HOPE NO ONE [BLEEP]S IN MY

CEREAL.

>> I'M GOING [BLEEP] IN YOUR

CEREAL.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE ANY BIG

CLIMBING GOALS?

>> NO, I'M NOT INTO GAGS.

>> Tosh: IF YOU WERE INTO GAGS