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>> YOU CAN'T RAP.
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I CAN SCRAP.
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[BEEP] [APPLAUSE]
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* *
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* *.
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>> BLACK-SAW JIM DUGGAN OUT
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OF NOWHERE.
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I BET BLACK-SAW JIM DUGGAN
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WOULD SAY YO INSTEAD OF HO.
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>> OH, COME ON.
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THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT
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RACIAL HUMOR.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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TONIGHT, COLE HAAN LUNAR
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BAND CHUKKAS.
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THEY DON'T LOOK SICK ENOUGH
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FOR YOU?
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WHY DON'T YOU TELL THAT TO
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ME FEET?
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BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY
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COMFORTABLE.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, THIS
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PRANKSTER GETS WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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WE HAVE A FRANK DISCUSSION
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ABOUT MY BODY.
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NOW LET'S GO BACK TO THE
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HOOD WHERE EVERY DAY IS LIKE
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THE SOURCE AWARDS.
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>> STOP RIGHT THERE.
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DID YOU JUST RUN [BEEP] ON
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HA-HA?
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SOLID CONTACT TWHCHLT THE
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GUY IS SMACKED IN THE HEAD
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WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR DOESN'T
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GO DOWN, YOU ARE IN A [BEEP]
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LOAD OF TROUBLE.
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[LAUGHTER].
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>> IS THIS SHOWTIME IN FRONT
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OF THE APOLLO?
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WHAT DO YOU THINK IS POPING
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OUT THE AC UNIT NOW?
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>>.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I NEED A MARINE BIOLOGIST TO
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EXPLAIN THIS NEXT VIDEO TO
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ME.
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HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR CLAM SOUP
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SALTY AS [BEEP].
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WHO DOESN'T HAVE SUSTAINLESS
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STEAM APPLIANCES?
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MAKE IT SLURP UP THE WINE
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SAUCE AND NOW WE ARE
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TALKING.
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THIS WEEK THAT CLAM CLIP
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INSPIRED TWO PARODIES, SO WE
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ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU BOTH
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OF THEM AND LET YOU DECIDE
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WHICH ONE WE SHOULD PUT ON
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THE SHOW.
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>> HOLD THE PHONE.
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WHERE ARE MY FRESH CLAMS?
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>> YOU MIGHT HAVE A SHELL
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FISH ALLERGY.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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SOLID CONTENDER, BUT HERE'S
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THE OTHER PARODY.
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>> YOU FEEL ANYTHING YET,
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KYLE?
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ENJOY THE RIDE.
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>> NO!
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[SCREAMING].
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>> THAT'S A TOUGH DECISION.
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TEXT YOUR DECISION FOR
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PARODY NO. 1.
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FOR NO. 2, SEXY PICTURE OF
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YOURSELF, MESSAGING RATES DO
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NOT APPLY.
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ALL ENTRIES MUST BE RECEIVED
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BY 10:00 P.M.
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EASTERN STANDARD TIME.
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THE MOVING ON.
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ONE DAY I'M GOING TO BE
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NAKED, I'M GOING TO DO A
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SOMERSAULT WHILE A BUNCH OF
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COPS TASER MY BALLS.
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[SCREAMING]
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>> STOP FIGHTING!
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>> THIS GUY IS LIKE A NINJA,
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MAN.
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>> SO PROBABLY THAT LAST
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PART WILL BE LEFT OUT OF THE
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REPORT.
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THIS SHOULD AT LEAST GET AND
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ESPY.
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HE'S ALREADY BROKEN MORE
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TACKLES THAN CHRIS JOHNSON
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DID LAST YEAR.
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LET HIM GO.
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THE NEW SPIDERMAN WILL CATCH
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HIM.
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NOTHING SPEAKS BIBLE CAMP
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LIKE ACCIDENTALLY LOSING
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YOUR ORAL VIRGINITY.
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[SCREAMING].
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>> LEAPFROG DOESN'T COUNT AS
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FORE PLAY.
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SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THIS
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[BEEP] DOESN'T HAPPEN AT
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THAT CAMP.
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WHERE IS THEIR COUNSELOR?
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WHISTLE].
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>> ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
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KNOCK OFF THE HORSE PLAY.
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>> WANT TO HEAR A REAL GHOST
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STORY?
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I'M NOT EVEN A COUNSELOR
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THERE.
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IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
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BASE JUMPING, YOU ARE GOING
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LOVE THIS NEXT CLIP.
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[AUDIENCE GASPS]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> AND THAT CONCLUDES THE
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MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR THIS
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WEEK'S BREAK DOWN.
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HE PROBABLY JUST GOT THE
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WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM.
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YOU NEVER DO JOKES ABOUT
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SOMEBODY DYING.
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IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.
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HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU
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DIED?
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I'M GOING TO CLEAR THE AIR
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BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER.
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ACCORDING TO THIS NEWSCAST,
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HE'S NOT DEAD.
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JUST LOWERABLY INJURED.
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>> A BASE JUMPER STAOIFD HIS
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LEAP AFTER HIS PARACHUTE
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DIDN'T OPEN.
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>> HE BROKE SEVERAL BONES,
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BUT INCREDIBLY, HE'S MADE A
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FULL RECOVERY.
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>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
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LET'S MAKE FUN OF HIM.
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ONLY RUSSIA COULD STILL BE
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THIS UGLY AND DEPRESSING
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UNDER A BLANKET OF DEAD
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SNOW.
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A DEAD SHOULD BE AND THREE
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SMOKESTACKS.
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FROM UP THERE I BUT YOU CAN
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SEE SARAH PALIN SITTING
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AROUND FLICKING HER BEAN.
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COME ON.
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DOING JOKES ABOUT SARAH
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PALIN IS NEVER APPROPRIATE.
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SHE HAS A SPECIAL NEEDS
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CHILD.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> BASE JUMPING IS
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COMMITTING SUICIDE WITH A
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BACKPACK ON.
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I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SHAKE
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FROM NERVES OR THE VOLTAGE
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FROM THAT ELECTRICAL TOWER.
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LET'S GO, ONE, TWO, TWO AND
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THREE QUARTERS, JUMP!
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I THINK HIS CHUTE SHRUNK.
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THAT TINY PARACHUTE COULD
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BEAR SLAVE A G.I. JOE.
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THAT'S WHY I LAUNDER MINE ON
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COLD AND LINE DRY IT.
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THAT'S A BIGGER FLOP THAN
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THE NO BEN STILLER MOVIE.
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OKAY.
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THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT
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BEN STILLER.
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I'VE SEEN SAFER LANDINGS IN
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A ROAD RUNNER CARTOON.
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NO ONE DIES IN RUSSIA.
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THEY'RE LIKE VAMPIRES OR
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HUGH HEFNER.
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I'M JUST GLAD HE'S STILL
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ALIVE GIVEN THE DOG SLED
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AMBULANCES USUALLY TAKE TWO
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MOONS TO ARRIVE.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
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THE ARMY PRANK REDEMPTION,
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BUT FIRST, THIS IS THE BEST
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YOUR LIVES ARE EVER GOING TO
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GET.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> I ALWAYS DO AND APRIL'S
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FOOL BURBANK ON MY MOM.
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THIS LETTER SAYS I WANT TO
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LEAVE HIGH SCHOOL TO JOIN
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THE ARMY.
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>> I DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE
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GOING TO TELL YOU THIS SOON.
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>> WHY?
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>> THIS IS THE TRUTH.
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IT'S THE TRUTH.
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>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
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COLLEGE?
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>> NO.
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>> OH, NO, BRAD.
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YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!
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>> MOM, MOM!
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NO!
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COME HERE!
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>> THERE'S NO WEB REDEMPTION
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THIS WEEK.
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INSTEAD, WE ARE GOING TO
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WATCH RUSSELL BRAND'S NEW
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SHOW.
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I'M KIDDING.
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YOU GUYS JUST GOT X'D.
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BRAD TOLD HIS MOM HE'S GOING
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INTO THE ARMY.
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THE LAST PEOPLE SOURED ON IT
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AFTER WE PULLED THE OLD YOU
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WANT A FREE TRIP ON A LUXURY
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CRUISE LINER GAG, AND JUST
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LIKE THAT, APRIL FOOLS DAY
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WAS BORN.
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THE KEY TO A GOOD PRANK IS
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KEEP IT SIMPLE.
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DOWNLOAD CHILD PORN ON YOUR
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BOSS'S LAPTOP.
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MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY
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PRANKSTER HAS TO BE TOM
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CRUISE.
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REMEMBER THE TIME HE TRIPPED
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THAT SLOUCHY GIRL NEXT DOOR?
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THE BEST PRANKSTER OF ALL
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TIME WAS JESUS.
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FOR OVER 2,000 YEARS HE
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FOOLED MILLIONS TO THINKING
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HE HAD FORGIVE EN THEIR
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SINCE.
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SOMETIMES EMOTIONAL TORTURE
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IS THE BEST WAY TO SAY I
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LOVE YOU.
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THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO
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HOLLYWOOD WHERE THE CHEAPEST
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TRICKS WORK ON THE CORNER OF
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SANTA MONICA AND LAS PALMAS.
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>> EITHER ABBY SHOWS FULL
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BUSH OR SHE'S OFF THE
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PICTURE.
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SORRY MR. DREAMWORKS.
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HOW'S IT GOING, BRAD?
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>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
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BIG FAN, LOVE YOUR VIDEO.
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>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
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THIS, BRAD, BUT I'M A BIT OF
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A PRANKSTER MYSELF.
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WATCH THIS.
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CAN YOU COME IN HERE FOR A
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SECOND?
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I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, AT
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LUNCH YOUR MOM CALLED, AND
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YOUR DAD PASSED AWAY.
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>> WHAT?
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>> WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT
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SHOWING EMOTION IN THE
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OFFICE.
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THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, RIGHT?
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>> SURE, BUT MAYBE YOU YOU
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SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT PEOPLES
273
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:04,470
PARENTS DYING.
274
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:05,867
>> OKAY, THAT WASN'T THE
275
00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:06,267
JOKE.
276
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:09,897
YOUR DAD IS [BEEP] DEAD.
277
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:10,830
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
278
00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:13,403
>> RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
279
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:17,300
>> HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?
280
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:17,900
>> FOUR YEARS.
281
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,170
WASTE A SENIOR IN HIGH
282
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,197
SCHOOL WHEN I DID IT.
283
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,430
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK IS MORE
284
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,733
DANGEROUS, GOING TO WAR OR
285
00:11:26,733 --> 00:11:28,203
VIRGINIA TECH?
286
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:28,800
>> GOING WAR.
287
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,600
>> YOU UP THE INJURE JUNK A
288
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,830
LOT.
289
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:32,603
WHAT'S THAT.
290
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:33,970
>> THE FIRST TIME I SAW THE
291
00:11:33,967 --> 00:11:34,797
VIDEO I DIDN'T KNOW.
292
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:35,500
>> ARE YOU MOVING?
293
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:37,070
ARE YOU ADJUSTING?
294
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:37,697
WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE?
295
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,400
>> SOMETIMES IT'S ADJUSTING.
296
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,430
SOMETIMES WITH BOXERS IT CAN
297
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:42,303
GET IN THE WAY.
298
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:43,630
>> YOU MIGHT HAVE A MASSIVE,
299
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:44,573
YOU KNOW, MEMBER.
300
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:45,767
>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO
301
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:46,097
THINK.
302
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,270
>> I FEEL FOR YOU.
303
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,497
JUST TELL ME WHY YOU DID THE
304
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:48,800
VIDEO.
305
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,070
>> I ALWAYS DO AND APRIL
306
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:56,567
FOOLS PRANK ON MY MOM, AND I
307
00:11:56,567 --> 00:12:00,767
KNEW SHE WAS GULLIBLE WITH A
308
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:01,097
LETTER.
309
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,770
>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
310
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:05,467
APRIL FOOLS PRANKED HER?
311
00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:06,367
>> A COUPLE TIMES.
312
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:08,097
>>> DOES YOUR MOM HAVE AND
313
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:08,530
ACCENT?
314
00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:10,373
>> YEAH, SHE'S FROM
315
00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:10,727
AUSTRALIA.
316
00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:13,603
>> SHE'S SOUNDS LIKE
317
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,330
MRS. DOUBT FIRE.
318
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:18,873
HOW'S IT FEEL TO SEE YOUR
319
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:19,367
MOTHER CRY?
320
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:20,127
>> I DON'T KNOW.
321
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:22,073
I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS GOING
322
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,627
TOO FAR UNTIL SHE HEADED
323
00:12:23,633 --> 00:12:24,703
INTO THE GARAGE.
324
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:25,930
>> WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF
325
00:12:25,933 --> 00:12:27,103
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
326
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:29,300
SAW YOUR MOTHER?
327
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:30,730
WHAT OTHER PRANKS HAVE YOU
328
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,203
DONE?
329
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,100
>> WHERE SHE GOT A LETTER
330
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,130
FROM SCHOOL SAYING I WAS
331
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:40,603
SELLING DRUGS.
332
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,830
I DID THE WWW.CRAIGSLIST.ORG
333
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,603
WHERE I POSTED A BUNCH OF
334
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,700
STUFF THAT WAS WAY TOO CHEAP,
335
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,800
AND I PUT MY FRIENDS'
336
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,870
NUMBERS ON THERE, AND THEY
337
00:12:50,867 --> 00:12:51,527
GOT CALLS THROUGHOUT THE
338
00:12:51,533 --> 00:12:55,473
DAY.
339
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:57,327
THEY GOT ME BACK BY PUTTING
340
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:01,673
A SIGN ON MY CAR, I LOVE BIG,
341
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,327
BLACK [BEEP].
342
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:03,373
>> DID YOU GIVE TO IT YOUR
343
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:03,767
MOM?
344
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,467
>> IF MY MOM DID THAT, I
345
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,267
WOULD GIVE HER A HIGH FIVE.
346
00:13:07,267 --> 00:13:08,197
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
347
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,800
>> WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR.
348
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,230
>> BOXERS.
349
00:13:11,233 --> 00:13:12,273
NEVER WEAR BRIEFS.
350
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:14,627
>> WHAT ABOUT BOXER BRIEFS?
351
00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:15,173
>> TOO TIGHT.
352
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:18,897
>> I USED TO BE BOXERS AND I
353
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,970
SWITCHED TO BOXER BRIEFS.
354
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,797
>> WHY IS THAT?
355
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,470
>> MAYBE DWRAVTY IS CATCHING
356
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,197
UP WITH ME.
357
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,100
IT'S WEIRD HOW YOUR BALLS
358
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,270
START HANGING LOWER, BUT THE
359
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:32,927
SAME DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOUR
360
00:13:32,933 --> 00:13:33,503
PENIS.
361
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:34,670
MY BALLS ARE WINNING THE
362
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:35,067
RACE.
363
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,627
WITH THOSE WANDERING HANDS
364
00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:39,873
YOU'RE PERFECT FOR MY HIDDEN
365
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:40,697
CAMERA PRANK SHOW.
366
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:45,070
IT'S CALLED "JUNK".
367
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,927
WELCOME TO JUNK.
368
00:13:46,933 --> 00:13:49,203
I'M INJURE TRENDY HOST, AND
369
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,100
THIS HILARIOUS MISS MYERS,
370
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,300
BOY BRAD IS GOING TO BE A
371
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,070
WAITER.
372
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,067
HOPE HE WASHED HIS HANDS.
373
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:57,467
BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BE
374
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:58,627
TOUCHING HIS BALLS.
375
00:13:58,633 --> 00:14:00,903
OH, MAN, WHY WOULD YOU EVER
376
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:01,830
LEAVE THIS JOB?
377
00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:05,073
IT'S SO EASY.
378
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,067
YOU DO THAT PIECE OF [BEEP],
379
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,297
"TWO AND A HALF MEN"?
380
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:09,900
BAD CALL.
381
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,630
ALL RIGHT.
382
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,133
BRAD, THE WORLD WANTS TO
383
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:14,173
KNOW.
384
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,867
BOTH YOUR GONADS FOR YES.
385
00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:17,967
WAS THAT A YES?
386
00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:18,827
OKAY, GOOD.
387
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:20,933
ASK THOSE LADIES IF THEY
388
00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:22,173
WANT SOMETHING TO SIP ON.
389
00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:23,827
REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR HANDS ON
390
00:14:23,833 --> 00:14:24,433
YOUR JUNK.
391
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:25,373
>> HEY, LADIES.
392
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:27,067
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO SIP
393
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:27,727
ON?
394
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:28,173
>> SURE.
395
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,297
>> DO YOU WANT TO ORDER NOW,
396
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,170
OR SHOULD I COME BACK?
397
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:33,467
>> DWUNT TO ORDER NOW, OR
398
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:34,297
SHOULD I COME BACK.
399
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:34,730
>> YES.
400
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:35,973
>> OKAY.
401
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:38,727
JUST STAY THERE.
402
00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:39,533
[LAUGHTER]
403
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:40,773
>> ARE YOU TOUCHING
404
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:41,167
YOURSELF?
405
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:42,367
>> THAT'S IT.
406
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:45,767
YOU'RE ON JUNK!
407
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:48,467
HE'S IN ON IT, HIS CAMERA IS
408
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:48,967
EVERYWHERE.
409
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:50,227
THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL
410
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:51,203
ORDER.
411
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,170
IT'S FIVE PIECES OF SPRING
412
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:54,827
MIX.
413
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,273
WHAT DO YOU READ ON YOUR
414
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:56,727
KINDLE?
415
00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:57,733
HE DOESN'T KNOW, BECAUSE
416
00:14:57,733 --> 00:14:58,833
IT'S NOT HIS.
417
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:00,703
GO GIVE THEM THE BREAD.
418
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,730
SAY I'VE GOT SOME BREAD FOR
419
00:15:02,733 --> 00:15:03,333
YOU GUYS.
420
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:05,873
>> I GOT SOME BREAD FOR YOU
421
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:06,867
GUYS.
422
00:15:06,867 --> 00:15:09,067
>> PREPARE THE BREAD FOR
423
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,627
THEM, AND PUT IT ON THEIR
424
00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:11,303
PLATE.
425
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,430
>> WHAT THE HELL?
426
00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:15,873
THEY'RE NOT EATING THAT.
427
00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:19,427
>> YOU DUMB BIG STUPID ASS.
428
00:15:19,433 --> 00:15:22,403
YOU'RE ON JUNK!
429
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,070
QUIT TOUCHING YOUR -- THIS
430
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:25,667
GUY IS NOT REAL.
431
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:26,867
HE'S AND ACTOR.
432
00:15:26,867 --> 00:15:28,097
THEY'RE ALL ACTORS OF THE
433
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,630
THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT HERE
434
00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:30,403
IN PLAIN SIGHT.
435
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,430
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T
436
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,433
NOTICE THIS GUY.
437
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:40,173
>> TAKE AWAY HER CHAIR.
438
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:43,167
SAY SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE
439
00:15:43,167 --> 00:15:44,327
IN HER LIFE.
440
00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:45,603
>> I'M TAKING THIS CHAIR
441
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,170
AWAY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
442
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:48,427
ANYBODY IN YOUR LIFE.
443
00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:50,873
>> WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING YOUR
444
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,667
PARIS-NICE.
445
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:53,227
>> YOU'RE ON MY NEW SHOW
446
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:54,933
CALLED JUNK.
447
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:56,973
>> OKAY, BRING THEM ANOTHER
448
00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:58,867
BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE, AND SAY
449
00:15:58,867 --> 00:15:59,567
JUST IN CASE.
450
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:00,697
>> JUST IN CASE.
451
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:02,670
>> SAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS
452
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:03,597
A BIGGER TIP CENTER.
453
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,470
>> WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE
454
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:06,327
BIGGER TIPPER?
455
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,773
>> ARE YOU FOR REAL.
456
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,527
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
457
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:10,673
I KNOW WHO IT IS.
458
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:12,697
>> YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE
459
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,300
YOUR ATTITUDE.
460
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,300
I REALLY LIKE YOU GRABBING
461
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:15,930
YOUR JUNK.
462
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:24,503
>> YOU'RE ON JUNK, [BEEP]!
463
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,870
>> FROM ALL OF US AT JUNK,
464
00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:28,627
PEACE OUT.
465
00:16:28,633 --> 00:16:30,173
>> JUNK IS ALL RIGHT, BUT
466
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,197
FOR MY MONEY THE BEST PRANK
467
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,530
SHOW EVER WAS, TO CATCH A
468
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:35,173
PREDATOR.
469
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:36,627
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT
470
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:39,073
FIRST OUR SECURITY GUARD'S
471
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:47,467
BLACK CLIP OF THE WEEK.
472
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:55,167
[APPLAUSE]
473
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:56,930
>> HI.
474
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,073
I'M RICKIE.
475
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,627
I'M AUDITIONING FOR MARY
476
00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:04,133
ELENA.
477
00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:08,803
[LAUGHTER]
478
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,070
>> YOU WERE REALLY GOOD UP
479
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:10,497
THERE.
480
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,570
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT IN A
481
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,927
SEXUAL WAY, BUT NOT THAT IT
482
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:17,073
WASN'T EROTIC.
483
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,897
>> I AM SO EMBARRASSED.
484
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:23,330
>> ONLY ONE WAY TO FIX THAT.
485
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:23,703
[LAUGHTER]
486
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:25,300
>> THE GUY YOU FEEL
487
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:27,300
EMBARRASSED FOR IS BOB KRAFT,
488
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,800
AND HE IS NOT HER GREAT,
489
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,570
GREAT, GREAT,
490
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:32,097
GREAT-GRANDFATHER.
491
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,230
HE'S THE OWNER OF THE NEW
492
00:17:34,233 --> 00:17:34,773
ENGLAND PORTRAITS.
493
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:36,827
HE WAS HELPING HIS FRIEND
494
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:37,773
AUDITION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
495
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:39,567
BEN HAS TO DO TO GET LAID.
496
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:40,497
SO DON'T JUDGE.
497
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,470
IF CREEPY DUDES DIDN'T HELP
498
00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:44,327
ACTRESSES GET DISCOVERED
499
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,373
THERE WOULD BE NO BLAKE
500
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:47,097
LIVELY.
501
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,500
APPARENTLY BOB'S FLING WAS
502
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,330
GOING TO GO FURTHER THAN I
503
00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:51,103
WAS TO GET THE PART.
504
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:52,300
>> HI.
505
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:55,170
I'M DANIEL TOSH, AND I'M
506
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,597
AUDITIONING FOR THE ROLE OF
507
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,200
ROBERT KRAFT'S FRIEND.
508
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:08,270
[LAUGHTER]
509
00:18:08,267 --> 00:18:10,597
>> WELL, NOW WE'RE EVEN,
510
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:11,570
BECAUSE DANCING IN FRONT OF
511
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,267
YOU WAS ONE OF THE MOST
512
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:13,897
EMBARRASSING MOMENTS IN MY
513
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:14,230
LIFE.
514
00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:16,503
>> REALLY?
515
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,270
WORST THAN LOSING TWO SUPER
516
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:21,067
BOWL'S TO PEYTON MANNING'S
517
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:21,927
KID BROTHER?
518
00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:25,903
>> ONLY ONE WAY TO FIX THAT.
519
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,070
>> CAREFUL, MAGIC MIKE.
520
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:31,867
WHAT IS THAT THE CHARLESTON?
521
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,897
YOU'RE GETTING ALL BONED UP.
522
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:35,370
STOP IT.
523
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:36,967
PLEASE, PLEASE STOP.
524
00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:38,967
>> I'LL STOP IF YOU LET ME
525
00:18:38,967 --> 00:18:39,927
BUY YOU A DRINK.
526
00:18:39,933 --> 00:18:41,533
>> NO, YOU'LL STOP BECAUSE
527
00:18:41,533 --> 00:18:44,073
IT WILL TAKE A HANDFUL OF
528
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:45,697
PILLS TO GET THAT ANCIENT
529
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:46,270
HOG UP.
530
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:48,497
ALL RIGHT.
531
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,230
DON'T YOU HAVE A CAMERA DOWN
532
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:51,633
AT WHATEVER TRAINING CAMP
533
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:52,873
YOU'RE SPYING ON THIS WEEK.
534
00:18:52,867 --> 00:18:58,167
>> YOU P -- PUSSY.
535
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,427
>> YOU HAVE TO SWING HARDER
536
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:00,873
THAN THAT SNAOS THANKS TO
537
00:19:00,867 --> 00:19:02,397
ROBERT KRAFT AND THE ENTIRE
538
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,070
PORTRAITS ORGANIZATION FOR
539
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,467
MAKING THAT POSSIBLE.
540
00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:08,697
GO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A
541
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:09,700
CLIP FOR A TO BE IN OUR
542
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:10,400
VIEWER VIDEO.
543
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,200
THIS ONE IS FROM RICKY LEE.
544
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,100
>> HEY!
545
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:14,300
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
546
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,300
IT'S NOT DELIVERY!
547
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:21,070
IT'S DIGIORNO!
548
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:23,127
YOU CAN'T DELIVER THIS!
549
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:25,403
IT SAYS SO ON THE SIDE OF
550
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,370
THE TRUCK!
551
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,297
HEY, YOU'RE NOT YELLOW!
552
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,100
YOU'RE ORANGE!
553
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,700
YOU'RE A LIAR!
554
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:31,270
HEY!
555
00:19:31,267 --> 00:19:32,067
COME BACK HERE!
556
00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:35,867
YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!
557
00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,427
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!
558
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:39,903
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE CARS
559
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:40,800
THERE!
560
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,600
HEY!
561
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,630
>> AFTER TWO BOMBS, IT LIKES
562
00:19:48,633 --> 00:19:49,573
LIKE ADAM SANDLER IS GETTING
563
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,927
INTO THE VIRAL VIDEO GAME.
564
00:19:51,933 --> 00:20:02,433
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
565
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:08,030
>> BIENVENUE.
566
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:14,803
TOSH.0 MAOEMZ -- YESTERDAY,
567
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,270
WE REDEEMED A ROCK CLIMB
568
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:21,267
LOWER RELET A TURD OUT OF
569
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:22,197
HIS BUTT.
570
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,370
NEVER DO A JOKE ABOUT GORP.
571
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:26,697
WHAT IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS ON
572
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:30,930
A TRILLION AND ATE GORP?
573
00:20:30,933 --> 00:20:32,673
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.
574
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:35,627
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, BUY
575
00:20:35,633 --> 00:20:37,003
STUFF AT OUR STORE IF YOU
576
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,800
HAVE A HANKERING FROM
577
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,030
MERCHANDISE, AND AS YOU MY
578
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:47,933
NEW SHOW BRICKLEBERRY
579
00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:51,173
PREMIER'S SEPTEMBER 25th THE
580
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,127
LAST WEEK THE FOLKS A
581
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:54,373
COMIC-CON GOT A PEEK.
582
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:55,397
HERE'S WHAT THEY THOUGHT.
583
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,500
>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE PUT
584
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:56,930
TO SHAME.
585
00:20:56,933 --> 00:20:57,973
>> I LOVE IT WAS GROUNDED IN
586
00:20:57,967 --> 00:21:03,967
REALITY.
587
00:21:03,967 --> 00:21:04,797
>> ALL RIGHT.
588
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,200
IT'S BEEN 21 AND A HALF
589
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:06,600
MINUTES.
590
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,430
MY WORK HERE IS DONE.
591
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,303
GOOD NIGHT.
592
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:16,400
[APPLAUSE]
593
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,697
>> WAS IT AND HONOR TO
594
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,970
PRETEND TO SERVE YOUR
595
00:21:20,967 --> 00:21:21,397
COUNTRY.
596
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:21,670
>>.
597
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:22,167
>> SURE.
598
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:22,967
I GUESS SO.
599
00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:25,797
>> WHAT HAVE YOU DONE BEFORE
35644
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