Original subtitles

>> YOU CAN'T RAP.

I CAN SCRAP.

[BEEP] [APPLAUSE]

* *

* *.

>> BLACK-SAW JIM DUGGAN OUT

OF NOWHERE.

I BET BLACK-SAW JIM DUGGAN

WOULD SAY YO INSTEAD OF HO.

>> OH, COME ON.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT

RACIAL HUMOR.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

TONIGHT, COLE HAAN LUNAR

BAND CHUKKAS.

THEY DON'T LOOK SICK ENOUGH

FOR YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL THAT TO

ME FEET?

BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY

COMFORTABLE.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, THIS

PRANKSTER GETS WEB

REDEMPTION.

WE HAVE A FRANK DISCUSSION

ABOUT MY BODY.

NOW LET'S GO BACK TO THE

HOOD WHERE EVERY DAY IS LIKE

THE SOURCE AWARDS.

>> STOP RIGHT THERE.

DID YOU JUST RUN [BEEP] ON

HA-HA?

SOLID CONTACT TWHCHLT THE

GUY IS SMACKED IN THE HEAD

WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR DOESN'T

GO DOWN, YOU ARE IN A [BEEP]

LOAD OF TROUBLE.

[LAUGHTER].

>> IS THIS SHOWTIME IN FRONT

OF THE APOLLO?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS POPING

OUT THE AC UNIT NOW?

>>.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEED A MARINE BIOLOGIST TO

EXPLAIN THIS NEXT VIDEO TO

ME.

HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR CLAM SOUP

SALTY AS [BEEP].

WHO DOESN'T HAVE SUSTAINLESS

STEAM APPLIANCES?

MAKE IT SLURP UP THE WINE

SAUCE AND NOW WE ARE

TALKING.

THIS WEEK THAT CLAM CLIP

INSPIRED TWO PARODIES, SO WE

ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU BOTH

OF THEM AND LET YOU DECIDE

WHICH ONE WE SHOULD PUT ON

THE SHOW.

>> HOLD THE PHONE.

WHERE ARE MY FRESH CLAMS?

>> YOU MIGHT HAVE A SHELL

FISH ALLERGY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SOLID CONTENDER, BUT HERE'S

THE OTHER PARODY.

>> YOU FEEL ANYTHING YET,

KYLE?

ENJOY THE RIDE.

>> NO!

[SCREAMING].

>> THAT'S A TOUGH DECISION.

TEXT YOUR DECISION FOR

PARODY NO. 1.

FOR NO. 2, SEXY PICTURE OF

YOURSELF, MESSAGING RATES DO

NOT APPLY.

ALL ENTRIES MUST BE RECEIVED

BY 10:00 P.M.

EASTERN STANDARD TIME.

THE MOVING ON.

ONE DAY I'M GOING TO BE

NAKED, I'M GOING TO DO A

SOMERSAULT WHILE A BUNCH OF

COPS TASER MY BALLS.

[SCREAMING]

>> STOP FIGHTING!

>> THIS GUY IS LIKE A NINJA,

MAN.

>> SO PROBABLY THAT LAST

PART WILL BE LEFT OUT OF THE

REPORT.

THIS SHOULD AT LEAST GET AND

ESPY.

HE'S ALREADY BROKEN MORE

TACKLES THAN CHRIS JOHNSON

DID LAST YEAR.

LET HIM GO.

THE NEW SPIDERMAN WILL CATCH

HIM.

NOTHING SPEAKS BIBLE CAMP

LIKE ACCIDENTALLY LOSING

YOUR ORAL VIRGINITY.

[SCREAMING].

>> LEAPFROG DOESN'T COUNT AS

FORE PLAY.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THIS

[BEEP] DOESN'T HAPPEN AT

THAT CAMP.

WHERE IS THEIR COUNSELOR?

WHISTLE].

>> ALL RIGHT, KIDS.

KNOCK OFF THE HORSE PLAY.

>> WANT TO HEAR A REAL GHOST

STORY?

I'M NOT EVEN A COUNSELOR

THERE.

IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

BASE JUMPING, YOU ARE GOING

LOVE THIS NEXT CLIP.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND THAT CONCLUDES THE

MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR THIS

WEEK'S BREAK DOWN.

HE PROBABLY JUST GOT THE

WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM.

YOU NEVER DO JOKES ABOUT

SOMEBODY DYING.

IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU

DIED?

I'M GOING TO CLEAR THE AIR

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER.

ACCORDING TO THIS NEWSCAST,

HE'S NOT DEAD.

JUST LOWERABLY INJURED.

>> A BASE JUMPER STAOIFD HIS

LEAP AFTER HIS PARACHUTE

DIDN'T OPEN.

>> HE BROKE SEVERAL BONES,

BUT INCREDIBLY, HE'S MADE A

FULL RECOVERY.

>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

LET'S MAKE FUN OF HIM.

ONLY RUSSIA COULD STILL BE

THIS UGLY AND DEPRESSING

UNDER A BLANKET OF DEAD

SNOW.

A DEAD SHOULD BE AND THREE

SMOKESTACKS.

FROM UP THERE I BUT YOU CAN

SEE SARAH PALIN SITTING

AROUND FLICKING HER BEAN.

COME ON.

DOING JOKES ABOUT SARAH

PALIN IS NEVER APPROPRIATE.

SHE HAS A SPECIAL NEEDS

CHILD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> BASE JUMPING IS

COMMITTING SUICIDE WITH A

BACKPACK ON.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SHAKE

FROM NERVES OR THE VOLTAGE

FROM THAT ELECTRICAL TOWER.

LET'S GO, ONE, TWO, TWO AND

THREE QUARTERS, JUMP!

I THINK HIS CHUTE SHRUNK.

THAT TINY PARACHUTE COULD

BEAR SLAVE A G.I. JOE.

THAT'S WHY I LAUNDER MINE ON

COLD AND LINE DRY IT.

THAT'S A BIGGER FLOP THAN

THE NO BEN STILLER MOVIE.

OKAY.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT

BEN STILLER.

I'VE SEEN SAFER LANDINGS IN

A ROAD RUNNER CARTOON.

NO ONE DIES IN RUSSIA.

THEY'RE LIKE VAMPIRES OR

HUGH HEFNER.

I'M JUST GLAD HE'S STILL

ALIVE GIVEN THE DOG SLED

AMBULANCES USUALLY TAKE TWO

MOONS TO ARRIVE.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

THE ARMY PRANK REDEMPTION,

BUT FIRST, THIS IS THE BEST

YOUR LIVES ARE EVER GOING TO

GET.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I ALWAYS DO AND APRIL'S

FOOL BURBANK ON MY MOM.

THIS LETTER SAYS I WANT TO

LEAVE HIGH SCHOOL TO JOIN

THE ARMY.

>> I DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE

GOING TO TELL YOU THIS SOON.

>> WHY?

>> THIS IS THE TRUTH.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

COLLEGE?

>> NO.

>> OH, NO, BRAD.

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!

>> MOM, MOM!

NO!

COME HERE!

>> THERE'S NO WEB REDEMPTION

THIS WEEK.

INSTEAD, WE ARE GOING TO

WATCH RUSSELL BRAND'S NEW

SHOW.

I'M KIDDING.

YOU GUYS JUST GOT X'D.

BRAD TOLD HIS MOM HE'S GOING

INTO THE ARMY.

THE LAST PEOPLE SOURED ON IT

AFTER WE PULLED THE OLD YOU

WANT A FREE TRIP ON A LUXURY

CRUISE LINER GAG, AND JUST

LIKE THAT, APRIL FOOLS DAY

WAS BORN.

THE KEY TO A GOOD PRANK IS

KEEP IT SIMPLE.

DOWNLOAD CHILD PORN ON YOUR

BOSS'S LAPTOP.

MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY

PRANKSTER HAS TO BE TOM

CRUISE.

REMEMBER THE TIME HE TRIPPED

THAT SLOUCHY GIRL NEXT DOOR?

THE BEST PRANKSTER OF ALL

TIME WAS JESUS.

FOR OVER 2,000 YEARS HE

FOOLED MILLIONS TO THINKING

HE HAD FORGIVE EN THEIR

SINCE.

SOMETIMES EMOTIONAL TORTURE

IS THE BEST WAY TO SAY I

LOVE YOU.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO

HOLLYWOOD WHERE THE CHEAPEST

TRICKS WORK ON THE CORNER OF

SANTA MONICA AND LAS PALMAS.

>> EITHER ABBY SHOWS FULL

BUSH OR SHE'S OFF THE

PICTURE.

SORRY MR. DREAMWORKS.

HOW'S IT GOING, BRAD?

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

BIG FAN, LOVE YOUR VIDEO.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

THIS, BRAD, BUT I'M A BIT OF

A PRANKSTER MYSELF.

WATCH THIS.

CAN YOU COME IN HERE FOR A

SECOND?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, AT

LUNCH YOUR MOM CALLED, AND

YOUR DAD PASSED AWAY.

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT

SHOWING EMOTION IN THE

OFFICE.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, RIGHT?

>> SURE, BUT MAYBE YOU YOU

SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT PEOPLES

PARENTS DYING.

>> OKAY, THAT WASN'T THE

JOKE.

YOUR DAD IS [BEEP] DEAD.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.

>> HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

>> FOUR YEARS.

WASTE A SENIOR IN HIGH

SCHOOL WHEN I DID IT.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK IS MORE

DANGEROUS, GOING TO WAR OR

VIRGINIA TECH?

>> GOING WAR.

>> YOU UP THE INJURE JUNK A

LOT.

WHAT'S THAT.

>> THE FIRST TIME I SAW THE

VIDEO I DIDN'T KNOW.

>> ARE YOU MOVING?

ARE YOU ADJUSTING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE?

>> SOMETIMES IT'S ADJUSTING.

SOMETIMES WITH BOXERS IT CAN

GET IN THE WAY.

>> YOU MIGHT HAVE A MASSIVE,

YOU KNOW, MEMBER.

>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO

THINK.

>> I FEEL FOR YOU.

JUST TELL ME WHY YOU DID THE

VIDEO.

>> I ALWAYS DO AND APRIL

FOOLS PRANK ON MY MOM, AND I

KNEW SHE WAS GULLIBLE WITH A

LETTER.

>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU

APRIL FOOLS PRANKED HER?

>> A COUPLE TIMES.

>>> DOES YOUR MOM HAVE AND

ACCENT?

>> YEAH, SHE'S FROM

AUSTRALIA.

>> SHE'S SOUNDS LIKE

MRS. DOUBT FIRE.

HOW'S IT FEEL TO SEE YOUR

MOTHER CRY?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS GOING

TOO FAR UNTIL SHE HEADED

INTO THE GARAGE.

>> WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

SAW YOUR MOTHER?

WHAT OTHER PRANKS HAVE YOU

DONE?

>> WHERE SHE GOT A LETTER

FROM SCHOOL SAYING I WAS

SELLING DRUGS.

I DID THE WWW.CRAIGSLIST.ORG

WHERE I POSTED A BUNCH OF

STUFF THAT WAS WAY TOO CHEAP,

AND I PUT MY FRIENDS'

NUMBERS ON THERE, AND THEY

GOT CALLS THROUGHOUT THE

DAY.

THEY GOT ME BACK BY PUTTING

A SIGN ON MY CAR, I LOVE BIG,

BLACK [BEEP].

>> DID YOU GIVE TO IT YOUR

MOM?

>> IF MY MOM DID THAT, I

WOULD GIVE HER A HIGH FIVE.

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

>> WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR.

>> BOXERS.

NEVER WEAR BRIEFS.

>> WHAT ABOUT BOXER BRIEFS?

>> TOO TIGHT.

>> I USED TO BE BOXERS AND I

SWITCHED TO BOXER BRIEFS.

>> WHY IS THAT?

>> MAYBE DWRAVTY IS CATCHING

UP WITH ME.

IT'S WEIRD HOW YOUR BALLS

START HANGING LOWER, BUT THE

SAME DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOUR

PENIS.

MY BALLS ARE WINNING THE

RACE.

WITH THOSE WANDERING HANDS

YOU'RE PERFECT FOR MY HIDDEN

CAMERA PRANK SHOW.

IT'S CALLED "JUNK".

WELCOME TO JUNK.

I'M INJURE TRENDY HOST, AND

THIS HILARIOUS MISS MYERS,

BOY BRAD IS GOING TO BE A

WAITER.

HOPE HE WASHED HIS HANDS.

BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BE

TOUCHING HIS BALLS.

OH, MAN, WHY WOULD YOU EVER

LEAVE THIS JOB?

IT'S SO EASY.

YOU DO THAT PIECE OF [BEEP],

"TWO AND A HALF MEN"?

BAD CALL.

ALL RIGHT.

BRAD, THE WORLD WANTS TO

KNOW.

BOTH YOUR GONADS FOR YES.

WAS THAT A YES?

OKAY, GOOD.

ASK THOSE LADIES IF THEY

WANT SOMETHING TO SIP ON.

REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR HANDS ON

YOUR JUNK.

>> HEY, LADIES.

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO SIP

ON?

>> SURE.

>> DO YOU WANT TO ORDER NOW,

OR SHOULD I COME BACK?

>> DWUNT TO ORDER NOW, OR

SHOULD I COME BACK.

>> YES.

>> OKAY.

JUST STAY THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ARE YOU TOUCHING

YOURSELF?

>> THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE ON JUNK!

HE'S IN ON IT, HIS CAMERA IS

EVERYWHERE.

THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL

ORDER.

IT'S FIVE PIECES OF SPRING

MIX.

WHAT DO YOU READ ON YOUR

KINDLE?

HE DOESN'T KNOW, BECAUSE

IT'S NOT HIS.

GO GIVE THEM THE BREAD.

SAY I'VE GOT SOME BREAD FOR

YOU GUYS.

>> I GOT SOME BREAD FOR YOU

GUYS.

>> PREPARE THE BREAD FOR

THEM, AND PUT IT ON THEIR

PLATE.

>> WHAT THE HELL?

THEY'RE NOT EATING THAT.

>> YOU DUMB BIG STUPID ASS.

YOU'RE ON JUNK!

QUIT TOUCHING YOUR -- THIS

GUY IS NOT REAL.

HE'S AND ACTOR.

THEY'RE ALL ACTORS OF THE

THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT HERE

IN PLAIN SIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T

NOTICE THIS GUY.

>> TAKE AWAY HER CHAIR.

SAY SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE

IN HER LIFE.

>> I'M TAKING THIS CHAIR

AWAY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE

ANYBODY IN YOUR LIFE.

>> WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING YOUR

PARIS-NICE.

>> YOU'RE ON MY NEW SHOW

CALLED JUNK.

>> OKAY, BRING THEM ANOTHER

BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE, AND SAY

JUST IN CASE.

>> JUST IN CASE.

>> SAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS

A BIGGER TIP CENTER.

>> WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE

BIGGER TIPPER?

>> ARE YOU FOR REAL.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING?

I KNOW WHO IT IS.

>> YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE

YOUR ATTITUDE.

I REALLY LIKE YOU GRABBING

YOUR JUNK.

>> YOU'RE ON JUNK, [BEEP]!

>> FROM ALL OF US AT JUNK,

PEACE OUT.

>> JUNK IS ALL RIGHT, BUT

FOR MY MONEY THE BEST PRANK

SHOW EVER WAS, TO CATCH A

PREDATOR.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT

FIRST OUR SECURITY GUARD'S

BLACK CLIP OF THE WEEK.

[APPLAUSE]

>> HI.

I'M RICKIE.

I'M AUDITIONING FOR MARY

ELENA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU WERE REALLY GOOD UP

THERE.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT IN A

SEXUAL WAY, BUT NOT THAT IT

WASN'T EROTIC.

>> I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

>> ONLY ONE WAY TO FIX THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE GUY YOU FEEL

EMBARRASSED FOR IS BOB KRAFT,

AND HE IS NOT HER GREAT,

GREAT, GREAT,

GREAT-GRANDFATHER.

HE'S THE OWNER OF THE NEW

ENGLAND PORTRAITS.

HE WAS HELPING HIS FRIEND

AUDITION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT

BEN HAS TO DO TO GET LAID.

SO DON'T JUDGE.

IF CREEPY DUDES DIDN'T HELP

ACTRESSES GET DISCOVERED

THERE WOULD BE NO BLAKE

LIVELY.

APPARENTLY BOB'S FLING WAS

GOING TO GO FURTHER THAN I

WAS TO GET THE PART.

>> HI.

I'M DANIEL TOSH, AND I'M

AUDITIONING FOR THE ROLE OF

ROBERT KRAFT'S FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WELL, NOW WE'RE EVEN,

BECAUSE DANCING IN FRONT OF

YOU WAS ONE OF THE MOST

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS IN MY

LIFE.

>> REALLY?

WORST THAN LOSING TWO SUPER

BOWL'S TO PEYTON MANNING'S

KID BROTHER?

>> ONLY ONE WAY TO FIX THAT.

>> CAREFUL, MAGIC MIKE.

WHAT IS THAT THE CHARLESTON?

YOU'RE GETTING ALL BONED UP.

STOP IT.

PLEASE, PLEASE STOP.

>> I'LL STOP IF YOU LET ME

BUY YOU A DRINK.

>> NO, YOU'LL STOP BECAUSE

IT WILL TAKE A HANDFUL OF

PILLS TO GET THAT ANCIENT

HOG UP.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T YOU HAVE A CAMERA DOWN

AT WHATEVER TRAINING CAMP

YOU'RE SPYING ON THIS WEEK.

>> YOU P -- PUSSY.

>> YOU HAVE TO SWING HARDER

THAN THAT SNAOS THANKS TO

ROBERT KRAFT AND THE ENTIRE

PORTRAITS ORGANIZATION FOR

MAKING THAT POSSIBLE.

GO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A

CLIP FOR A TO BE IN OUR

VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS ONE IS FROM RICKY LEE.

>> HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

IT'S NOT DELIVERY!

IT'S DIGIORNO!

YOU CAN'T DELIVER THIS!

IT SAYS SO ON THE SIDE OF

THE TRUCK!

HEY, YOU'RE NOT YELLOW!

YOU'RE ORANGE!

YOU'RE A LIAR!

HEY!

COME BACK HERE!

YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE CARS

THERE!

HEY!

>> AFTER TWO BOMBS, IT LIKES

LIKE ADAM SANDLER IS GETTING

INTO THE VIRAL VIDEO GAME.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

>> BIENVENUE.

TOSH.0 MAOEMZ -- YESTERDAY,

WE REDEEMED A ROCK CLIMB

LOWER RELET A TURD OUT OF

HIS BUTT.

NEVER DO A JOKE ABOUT GORP.

WHAT IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS ON

A TRILLION AND ATE GORP?

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, BUY

STUFF AT OUR STORE IF YOU

HAVE A HANKERING FROM

MERCHANDISE, AND AS YOU MY

NEW SHOW BRICKLEBERRY

PREMIER'S SEPTEMBER 25th THE

LAST WEEK THE FOLKS A

COMIC-CON GOT A PEEK.

HERE'S WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE PUT

TO SHAME.

>> I LOVE IT WAS GROUNDED IN

REALITY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

IT'S BEEN 21 AND A HALF

MINUTES.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

GOOD NIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

>> WAS IT AND HONOR TO

PRETEND TO SERVE YOUR

COUNTRY.

>>.

>> SURE.

I GUESS SO.

>> WHAT HAVE YOU DONE BEFORE