Original subtitles

>> OH, [BLEEP]!

>> OH, JESUS!

OH, JESUS!

OH JESUS CHRIST!

NO, OH [BLEEP]!

WHOA, WHOA! THAT WAS AWESOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IT'S NICE TO SEE BLACK

PEOPLE EMBRACING THE FOURTH

THOUGH THEY WERE FORCED TO BE

HERE.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

TONIGHT SICK KICKS FOR THE

LADIES.

ARE THE REEBOK LIMITED EDITION

COURT VICTORY PUMPS.

NO NEED TO ADJUST YOUR TINT

SETTING THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

THIS YELLOW.

TWEAK THE SHARPNESS A TAD.

TONIGHT I WILD OUT WITH THIS

INTERNEAT ICON AND HIRE PEOPLE

FROM BELOW MINIMUM WAGE AND

ENGAGE IN WORK PLACE HARASSMENT.

LET'S SEE WHY THE SCARIEST

CRACKER HAS A FIRECRACKER.

>> OH [BLEEP]!

>> Tosh: I'D WATCH FIREWORKS FOR

THIS GUY ANY TIME PROVIDED IT'S

IN A SAFER NEIGHBORHOOD.

DOES SAFER MEAN WHITE?

YES.

>> THAT WAS AWESOME.

WOW!

OH, LORD, JESUS!

>> Tosh: YOU KEEP SCREAMING FOR

JESUS AND A BURNING BUSH

APPEARS.

COINCIDENCE?

MR. COOPER, IT'S ME THE LORD.

YOU HAVE THREE WISHES.

ALL RIGHT.

LOSER GETS HIS BALLS LOPPED OFF.

>> Tosh: HE'S A MIX.

HALF GERMAN SHEPHARD AND DRUNK

GUY AT THE BAR.

HE'S GROWLING BECAUSE HIS LEG

DOESN'T MOVE LIKE THAT.

I WISH THE MOVIE GRAY FINISHED

LIKE THIS INCLUDING LIAM NEESON

WITH MINI SCOTCH BOTTLES.

SPOILER ALETTER.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

I DECLARE A FIVE SIX.

>> FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT I USE

THE HAND TO MASTURBATE.

>> Tosh: YOU GET TO SHOVE THE

CHAMP UP VICTORY CIRCLE.

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG GIRLS

TO HAVE STRONG FEMININE ROLE

MODELS.

>> YOU'RE DAD IS A HUGE PUSSY.

I THINK THE FUNNEL CAKE TRUCK

MAYBE MORE HIS SPEED.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST UNCOMFORTABLE

BECAUSE HE HAS A GIANT THUMB FOR

A HEAD.

[ YELLING ]

>> Tosh: HE IS REALLY GOING TO

FREAK OUT WHEN GRACE ELIZABETH

STARTS RIDING BOYS.

WHAT HAS FOUR LEGS, TWO BOOBS

AND CAN NEVER KICK?

TWO LEZZING OUT.

LET'S GO OUT ON A LIMB AND PUT

20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND SEE

HOW MANY FUNNIES WE CAN MAKE.

I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS SEXY

BUT I AM STUMPED.

WOMEN WILL DO ANYTHING TO SHED A

FEW POUNDS.

WHEN THEY RUB THEIR NUBS

TOGETHER IT'S CALLED A PIRATE

KISS.

THEY'RE PROBABLY BESTIES FOR THE

SHOE SAVINGS.

THEY'RE HOT.

THEY'RE 8s.

ALL RIGHT, 7.5.

I JUST GOT CUT OFF.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> BOYS.

>> Tosh: TRAINS ARE ALWAYS A BAD

DECISION UNLESS YOU'RE

COMMITTING SUICIDE OR PLAYING

MONOPOLY.

YOU COLLECT ALL FOUR YOU HAVE A

CASH COW.

LET'S GO TO THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

ALL ABOARD!

THIS IS CANADA WHERE EVEN WHITER

PEOPLE DO EVEN DUMBER STUFF.

WHEN HAVE YOU FREE HEALTH CARE

AND A LOW DRINKING AGE YOU TEND

TO TAKE MORE RISKS.

>> YOU'LL [BLEEP] UNDER THE

[BLEEP] TRAIN.

>> Tosh: HOW DID HE GET

UNDERNEATH IT IN THE FIRST

PLACE?

MY THEORY IS HE WAS BORN THERE.

THE ONLY PLACE MORE DANGEROUS TO

WAKE UP IS RODNEY KING'S POOL.

I'D RATHER BE TRAPPED UNDER A

TRAIN THAN LISTEN TO A SONG BY

TRAIN.

WHAT THE HELL IS A DROP OF

JUPITER.

>> HEY, IT'S IN YOUR WHEELS.

>>

>> Tosh: WAIT, WHAT?

HERE'S A TIP.

IN LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS

DON'T TAKE ADVICE FROM ANYONE

WHO SOUNDS LIKE SARAH PALIN.

WAIT UNTIL THE TRAIN FINISHES

PASSES OVER YOU UNLIKE THE ME

BATMAN MOVIE, TRAINS DON'T GO ON

FOREVER.

>> Tosh: CONGRATS I THINK YOU

SAVED YOUR SOCIAL STUDIES

HOMEWORK.

I THINK HE CAN'T.

I THINK HE CAN'T.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO NO!

NO!

HELP ME.

>> Tosh: WOW, THE LITTLE IDIOT

THAT COULD SURVIVED.

I'M JUST GLAD THE SOURCE CODE

MACHINE IS GOING TO KEEP PUTTING

HIM UNDER THE TRAIN UNTIL HE

FINDS THE BOMB AND FOR THAT WE

THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RUBB

BUBB PREVENTION BUT FIRST THIS

BABY SUCKS AT BREAK DANCING.

[***]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> NEARLY EVERY SHOP IN OAKLAND

IS INSTALLING WHISTLER TIPS

MAKING IT AUDIBLE FOR A MILE.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THE WHISTLE.

>> IT'S WHEN YOU WANT TO

WHOO-WHOO.

>> SOME NEIGHBORS ARE SAYING TOO

LOUD.

>> THAT'S ONLY IN THE MORNING.

IF YOU'RE COOKING BREAKFAST IT'S

LIKE AN ALARM CLOCK.

WHOO-WHOO.

>> Tosh: THE ONLY BIGGER WASTE

OF MONEY IS RAIDERS' SEASON

TICKETS.

HE INVENTED VIRAL VIDEOS WITH

TWO IMMORTAL WORDS BUT REALLY

ONE BUT SAID TWICE.

IT'S MORE OF A NOISE.

WHOO-WHOO.

TRICKING OUT YOUR CAR IS LIKE

FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD A

HOUSE.

YOUR VEHICLE IS AN INVESTMENT.

WHAT'S BETTER THAN DRIVE OUT A

TRICKED OUT CIVIC IS AN AUDI.

NO MATTER HOW MANY GALLONS OF

NOS YOU IS HAVE.

STOP WITH A THE AFTER-MARKET

SPOILER.

ONLY THING YOU'RE SPOILING IS

YOUR BLUE BOOK VALUE AND IF YOU

DON'T HAVE A NAVIGATION SYSTEM

GET OFF THE ROADS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE BEHIND

ANYTHING UNFOLDING A MAP LIKE

LOUIS AND CLARK AND IF TIGRA AND

BUNNY WERE THEY'D TELL YOU THEY

LIKE THE CARS THAT GO BOOM AND

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE THING THE

FISH.

YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR TRYING

TO ANOINT WHITE PEOPLE WITH THE

CAR AND THIS IS THE WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> HOW YOU DOING?

>> I'M ALL RIGHT.

>> I SEE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR

WHISTLE TIP.

>> Tosh: YOU DON'T MIND IF MY

GREASE MONKEYS TRICK OUT YOUR

JETTA WHILE WE TALK.

TAKE SPECIAL CARE OF THIS ONE.

DO YOU PREFER BUBB OR MR. RUBB.

>> IT'S DEPENDING ON WHO'S THE

RUBBING.

>> BUBB-RUBB.

>> HI A GROWTH ON ME AND I IT

WAS LIKE A CHIA PET.

IT GREW.

>> Tosh: WERE YOU SURPRISED THE

VIDEO CAME POPULAR.

>> I WILL BE BACK.

>> Tosh: JUST SO I CAN BE CLEAR

FOR THE PEOPLE AT HOME THAT

MIGHT NOT PICK UP ON THAT THEY

WERE DOING A NEWS PIECE ON THE

WHISTLE TIP?

>> LIKE A COMPLAINT.

>> Tosh: HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH

WHOO WHOO?

>> I WAS DEMONSTRATING AND GAVE

THEM AN RUBB VERSION OF HOW IT

WOULD SOUND IF THEY PUT MY PIPES

ON SO IT CAME OUT WHOO-WHOO.

SEE THE WHISTLE.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU

THINK SINCE THE VIDEO YOU'VE

SAID WHOO-WHOO.

>> MORE THAN MY HITS ON YOUTUBE.

>> Tosh: WERE YOU DRIVING ON THE

PIECE BECAUSE YOU ALMOST

SIDESWIPED THE CAR.

>> THEY ASKED FOR AN EXAMPLE OF

THE WHISTLE TIP.

HOW ELSE CAN WE DO.

>> Tosh: YOU ALMOST GOT INTO AN

ACCIDENT.

DO YOU ASK LADIES TO MAKE A

WHOOP-WHOOP ON THEM.

>> I HAVE THREE MOVES, THE

FINISHER, PUNISHER AND POWER

TAPPER.

>> Tosh: POWER TAPPER?

>> YOU PUT THEM MOVES ON HER AND

SHE OUT.

SHE GOING TO BE COOKING YOU

BREAKFAST AND YOU DON'T EVEN

HAVE TO USE THE WHOO-WHOO ALARM

CLOCK EITHER.

>>

>> DID YOU TRY MAKING THE

PYRAMID?

>> GREAT CALL, BOSS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I'M IN

CHARGE.

BUBB RUBB YOUR CAR'S FINISHED I

HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

>> AS LONGS YOU PUT THE TIP ON

MY WHIP I KNOW IT WILL BE READY.

MR. BUBB RUBB I DIDN'T BRING YOU

OUT TO L.A. TO JUST SAY

WHOO-WHOO.

ARE YOU READY TO SEE THE MOST

OBNOXIOUS CAR.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I WAS HOPING YOU'D SAY

WHOOP-WHOOP.

YOU GUYS ARE FIRED.

THE MUNCHKIN DONUTS ARE FOR

CUSTOMERS ONLY.

GET OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT, BUBB.

WE'RE MOVING THE BLINDFOLD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> THIS IS NOT MY CAR.

>> Tosh: NO, THIS IS YOUR CAR.

I KNOW YOU'LL LOVE THIS.

WE REPLACED YOUR WINDSHIELD

WIPERS DISPENSERS WITH BOTTLES

OF CHRISTAL.

YOU GET TO SPRAY CHAMPAGNE ON

THEI TITTIES WE HOOKED YOU UP

WITH A FAKE BOOT.

THE 40 OUNCE CUP HOLDERS AND

BECAUSE YOU NEVER MESS WAY BLACK

MEN'S STEREO YOU'LL NEVER HAVE

TO LISTEN TO THE GOATIER SONG

AGAIN.

I EXPECT A PERSON LIKE YOURSELF

GETS ASHY FROM TIMES TO TIME TO

SQUEEZE THE STEERING WHEEL.

WE HOOKED UP WITH COCO BUTTER.

>> YOU NEVER ASKED ME BUT ALWAYS

CLASSY.

>> Tosh: DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING

LATE BECAUSE WE SET THE CLOCK.

LOOK IN THE BACK.

>> WOW.

>> Tosh: THE OVERHEADLIGHT IS A

HYDROPONIC GROW LIGHT AND I GOT

YOU YOUR OWN MEDICAL MARIJUANA

LICENSE.

YOU CAN'T DRIVE VERY FAR BECAUSE

THE GAS TANK HAS BEEN MODIFIED

AND ONLY HOLDS SEVEN DOLLARS

WORTH OF GAS.

WHEN YOU DRIVE A CAR LIKE THIS

YOU CAN EXPECT TO GET PULLED

OVERA LOT AND IF YOU GET

ARRESTED YOU HAVE BOND STAR.

IT CONNECTS YOU TO YOUR

BAILBONDSMAN.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO JAIL

FOR THIS TIME?

>> Tosh: HE SOUNDS RACIST AS

[BLEEP].

THIS IS A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF

CHE

CHEATOS.

I WE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST AND

HOOKED YOUR JETTA UP WITH AN

ILLLEGAL TRAIN WHISTLE.

PULL THE CORD.

WHOO-WHOO, HOO-HOO.

GOOD LORD HAS IT ILLLEGALLY

LOUD.

YOUR CAR'S BEEN OFFICIALLY

PIMPED.

>> I'VE BEEN WHOOP-FIDE.

>> Tosh: SHOCKINGLY THE FOLKS AT

AVIS REFUSED TO GIVE US OUR

DEPOSIT BACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

OUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> TO BREAK MY FOOT HERE'S THE

BOYS.

>> YOU'RE AN IDIOT, TYLER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> FOR THE AMAZING LOW PRICE OF

FIVE DOLLARS I'LL REVIEW YOUR

WEBSITE AND GIVE YOU MY

PROFESSIONAL DESIGN OPINION.

>> FOR FIVE DOLLARS I'LL SEND

YOU PHOTOS.

>> IF YOU NEEDED TO TRANSLATE

SOME DOCUMENTS GET BACK TO ME

WITHOUT ANY HESITATION.

>> I WILL BE THE SECRET ADMIRER

IN CASE SOMEONE THEY NEVER

WANTED.

>> Tosh: I THINK WE FOUND THE

NEW PRESIDENT OF MY FAN CLUB.

THOSE WERE ALL FROM A WEBSITE

CALLED FIBER WHERE YOU CAN HIRE

PEOPLE TO DO A MYRIAD OF STUPID

THINGS FOR FIVE DOLLARS AND

SINCE I'M ALL FOR CHEAP LABOR

AND SIMULATING THE ECONOMY I

SPENT MY FIVE BUCKS.

I ASKED SHOULD I SEE MAGIC MIKE

IN THE THEATRES OR WAIT FOR

CABLE.

>> DANIEL, YOU'RE INTENT ON

SEEING MAGIC MIKE BUT SHOULD YOU

GO TO THEATRES.

A MAN AS COMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN

HETEROSEXUALITY SHOULDN'T HAVE A

PROBLEM WITH SEEING A MOVIE

ABOUT MALE STRIPPERS WITH AN

AUDIENCE.

>> Tosh: YOUR NIPPLES ARE

UNEVEN.

I GAVE HIM A RECIPE AND PUT FIVE

ON IT.

>> HERE WE GO, RINSE AND DRY OUT

SEVERAL TWO-LITER BOTTLES AND

DRY THEM INTO A POWDER.

HOLD THE STARTER FLUID UPSIDE

DOWN AND POUR IT OUT OF THE CANS

TO THE TWO-LITER BOTTLES WITH

THE AMMONIUM NITRATE MIXTURE AND

PLACE THEM AROUND THE CONTAINER.

PLACE THE CAP ON SWIRL IT AROUND

BUT DO NOT SHAKE IT.

AFTER TWO HOURS YOU'RE THROUGH

COOKING.

POUR THE REMAINING LIQUID

THROUGH COFFEE FILTERS AND IT

GETS SAVED, DRY THE CRYSTALS AND

GET HIGH AS A BAT.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS BOTH THRILLING

AND INFORMATIVE.

YOU GOT TO LOVE A CHICK WHO'S

WILLING TO HULA HOOP IN A BIKINI

FOR ONLY FIVE DOLLARS.

>> [BLEEP] SHE IS SO DIZZY.

>> Tosh: CAN YOU IMAGINE THE

GROSS [BLEEP] I CAN GET HER TO

DO FOR SIX BUCKS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE YOU CAN HIRE A

CLOWN ON THE INTERNET FOR SIX

BUCKS.

>> HEY, KIDS, YOU SHOULDN'T

WATCH "TOSH.0."

HE USES GROWN UP WORDS AND

THINGS THAT HURT PEOPLE'S

FEELINGS.

>> Tosh: DON'T LISTEN TO HER,

KIDS.

ALL CLOWNS ARE SERIAL KILLERS.

THAT'S THE BEST TWENTY BUCKS

THIS SHOW HAS SPENT BUT I STILL

WANT TO RECOUP MY LOSSES SO I

POSTED TO DISPLAY YOUR TWITTER

HANDLE ON THE AIR FOR $20.

DON'T FORGET TO UPLOAD A BLOG TO

O

HAVE ME PUT IT ON BEFORE I SHARE

IT I WANT YOU TO OPEN UP YOUR

HEARTS AND MINDS.

BECAUSE THIS -- I DON'T KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING.

JUST WATCH IT.

[ ENGINE REVING ]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WHAT DID YOU LEARN?

RIDING AROUND IN YOUR MUSCULAR

BIKE IS A GREAT WAY TO SOLVE THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: HEY, WELCOME BACK.

SORRY I WAS PUMPING UP MY SICK

KICKS.

THE RIGHT FOOT LIKES IT AT 45

PSI.

LIKES TO FEEL THE ROOT.

THE OTHER FOOT'S ASLEEP.

NEXT WEEK WE GET DOWN WITH THE

CLOWN.

>> WE CAN TAKE ANYBODY SO

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> Tosh: HOPEFULLY HE'LL HAVE

CAUGHT UP WITH THE BEAT BY NEXT

WEEK.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

SELECTIVELY LIVE CHAT WITH SOME

OF YOU DURING THE SHOW AND KEEP

UP WITH THE BLOG AT TOSH DOT

COME AT COMEDY CENTRAL DOT COME

AND THIS IS EXCITING.

DID YOU KNOW I'LL BE PRODUCING

MY OWN ANIMATED SHOW ON COMEDY

CENTRAL.

IT'S CALLED BRICKLEBERRY AND

WOODY IS VOICED BY SPONGE BOB

SQUAREPANTS HIMSELF TOM KENNY.

WATCH THE VIDEO.

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

FOREGIVING YOUR DAD FOR MAKING

YOU WEAR PANTY BECAUSE HE MISSED

HIS DEAD WIFE.

I'M NOT MOM, DAD.

SHE'S GONE.

>> Tosh: SQUIDWARD WOULD NOT

APPROVE AND THE BIGGEST BLOG IS

YOU NEVER REALLY GET TO [BLEEP]

MARY OR KILL ANYONE.

HERE'S A MUCH MORE SATISFYING

GAME WITH MORE SEQUENCES.

I GIVE YOU SLAP, LICK, FONDLE.

>> ALL RIGHT, RACHEL, SLAP,

LICK, FONDLE.

>> I CAN GRAB YOU?

>> ONE.

GO.

>> SLAP, LICK, FONDLE.

A PRIEST, RABBI AND MY DOG.

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE

SINNED.

>> Tosh: THE GREAT THING ABOUT

BEING THE BOSS IS THEY CAN FIRE

THE HR DEPARTMENT BEFORE THEY

CALL ME INTO THEIR OFFICE.

THIS GAME OBVIOUSLY NEEDS TO

CATCH ON.

PLAY IT AT HOME.

AFTER GETTING THE WRITTEN

CONSENT OF ALL INVOLVED PARTIES.

SEND ME YOUR VIDEOS AND IF DO

YOU A GOOD JOB PERHAPS I'LL PUT

THEM ON THE AIR.

PERHAPS I WON'T.

PERHAPS I WILL.

GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS

AMERICA!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]