Original subtitles

INTERNET AND INTENDED FOR MATURE

AUDIENCE AND COMEDY CENTRAL

DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM

ATTEMPTING THEM.

ENJOY.

>> SEE MY BREASTS.

LET ME OUT.

>> WHY NOT?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT VACUUM WOULDN'T BE

SMILING SO MUCH IF HE KNEW THERE

WAS A [BLEEP] UP HIS NOSE.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME WHEN YOU THINK

OF GOOD AUTHENTIC REGGAE MUSIC

CHINESE CROWN COMES TO MIND AND

THEY RELEASED THESE SICK CLICKS

FOR THE LADIES.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M EVEN

TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT.

BUT APPARENTLY THEY'RE GOOD

SHOES.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE HELP THE

PICKUP ART OF THE GET LAID AND I

SHOW YOU THE MOST TALENTED VALET

EVER AND PROVE GOING TO MEDICAL

SCHOOL'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF

TIME.

NOW LET'S SEE IF JEFF VAN

GUNDY'S STILL GOING AT IT WITH

THE VACUUM.

DO YOU KNOW 80% OF GUYS ARE

STILL WEARING THE WRONG SIZED

BRA.

THIS TURNED THE DUST BUSTER INTO

THE BUTT DUSTER.

FUN FACT, THE MODEL HOLDS UP TO

THREE GALLONS.

IS THERE A HOSE ATTACHMENT THAT

WIG SUCK UP SHAME?

DID YOU HERE ABOUT KENT IN

ACCOUNTING?

SAW HIM ON TOSH GETTING SUCKED

UP BY SHOCK VAC.

THINK HE'LL STILL GET THE

PROMOTION?

PROBABLY, HE DOES GOOD WORK.

TURNS OUT FOOT BINDING GETS YOU

MAD HOPS.

I BET HER PARENTS ARE PSYCHED

THEY DIDN'T THROW HER IN THE

RIVER WHEN SHE WAS BORN.

SHE JUST BURNED OFF EIGHT BOWLES

OF RICE.

REALLY PACKED THE STANDS TO SEE

THIS ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE 30 SECOND BREAK IS OVER.

BACK TO MAKING MY SICK KICKS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHAT THE

[BLEEP] IS THAT STANDING OFF TO

THE SIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S A

MONKEY, LITTLE PERSON OR A

MONKEY.

ALL RIGHT.

THE JURY'S STILL OUT. ALL I KNOW

IS AMERICA'S GOING TAKE THE GOLD

IN SKIPPING ROPE.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!

SORRY, I FORT GOT TO COUNT.

THE REAL TRICK WAS FINDING A

PAIR OF TITTIES IN L.A. THAT

WEREN'T TOO FAKE TO FLOP AROUND.

IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE

NEXT VIDEO IS NEVER VOLUNTEER TO

DEMONSTRATE ANYTHING.

>> I'M GOING TO ROLL TO MY LEFT

AT THE SAME TIME I'M GOING BRING

MY RIGHT LEG OVER THE SHOULDER.

>> Tosh: YOU SHOP AT THE SAME

BLUE PAJAMA OUTLET?

WATCH HIS HANDS I THINK HE WANTS

TO TAP OUT -- NOPE, HE'S GONNA

TAKE A NAP.

SO YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP]

>>

>> Tosh: BEING A GROWN MAN MEANS

NEVER HAVING TO SAY I GOT CHOKED

OUT AT KARATE PRACTICE.

BUNCH OF OLD DUDES PROBABLY

FINDING IN THAT MOVIE,

EXPENDABLES 2.

IT'S A JOKE.

BECAUSE SHE DANCES A ROBO DON'T

MAKE HER A HOE-NO.

USHER'S IN TROUBLE.

GOOD JOB, THIS IS WAY MORE FUN

TO WATCH THAN A CURE FOR CANCER.

DON'T JUST STARE YOU HORN DOG,

THROW SOME YEN.

NOW TEACH IT HOW TO LISTEN AND

NOD SO I CAN SEND IT ON ALL MY

DATES.

[LAUGHTER]

OLD MAN STRENGTH IS NO MATCH FOR

ALLIGATOR STRENGTH.

>> Tosh: THE YEARS HAVE NOT BEEN

KIND TO JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]

>>

>> FORCING GRANDPA TO WRESTLE

GATORS IS WAY MORE HUMAN THAN

PUTTING HIM IN A HOME.

SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED TO ME

LAST WEEKEND.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?

DID YOU JUST BITE ME?

>> YEAH.

I HOPE IT GETS INFECTED YOU OLD

PERVE.

>> Tosh: TECHNICALLY I WAS

TRESPASSING.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> Tosh: JONBENET IS WOBBLING IN

HER GRAVE AND SHE CAN'T EVEN

MASTER WALKING.

HOW WILL SHE EVER CARRY OUT HER

IMPORTANT BEAUTY DREAMS.

NOW WATCH HER DREAMS SHATTER IN

THE BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS

BEAUTY CONTEST IN THE ENTIRE

THIRD WORLD.

LET'S SKIP RIGHT TO THE SWIM

SUITS SINCE THEY ALL HAVE THE

SAME TALENT, STILL BEING ALIVE

IN AFRICA.

EASY, BIG FELLA.

SHE'S ROAMING AROUND LIKE A

NEW-BORN CALF.

THE WEAVE MUST BE THROWING OFF

THEIR CENTER OF GRAVITY OR IT'S

THE LACK OF CLEAN WATER.

TIMBER.

NOW I GET WHY CLOONEY WANTS TO

HELP THE SUDANS SO BAD.

HUBBA, HUBBA.

LITTLE MISS MIDNIGHT IS REALLY

STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN HER BOYS.

I GUESS THE MOST OF DAY IS

VISION TO AVOID CIRCUMCISION

WALKING ON HEELS ISN'T A

PRIORITY.

THE KEY IS SHIFTING WEIGHT TO

THE TOES.

I ONLY KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DATE

MODELS AND I'M A CROSS-DRESSER

AND WE SAY HAKUNA MUTATA

CHOCOLATE PRINCESS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

FLIRTING EXPERT BUT FIRST LET'S

JUST SAY YOU BOTH LOST.

[***]

>> A LOT OF THINGS ADULTS SAY

THAT ARE FLIRTING CAN BE TAKEN

THE WRONG WAY IF YOU DON'T

CONVEY THEM WITH ENERGY AND FUN.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF I SEE A GIRL

WITH BLUE EYES I MIGHT SAY WOW,

YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE

BLUEBERRIES.

WAIT, CAN I -- I'M KIND OF

HUNGRY -- CAN I HAVE?

THAT'S ONE THING WE CAN GO INTO

BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IF I

DON'T SMILE AND BRING MY ENERGY

LEVEL LOWER AND IF MY VOICE

SOUNDS FLAT.

HEY, I REALLY LIKE YOUR EYES.

THEY'RE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRYS

.

CAN I TOUCH THEM?

CAN I EAT THEM.

THAT'S STRANGE.

>> Tosh: I THINK A MOISTURE BOMB

WENT OFF ON OUR PANTIES.

I LOVE THAT GUY.

THAT GUY IS A SEX PERT AND HE

WAS MAKING A VIDEO ABOUT HOW TO

FLIRT.

IF YOU USE THE RIGHT ATTENTION

OF ATTENTION, FLATTERY AND VODKA

CRANBERRY HER LEGS SPREAD OPEN.

IF SHE HAS BIG BOOBS SHE JUST

WANTS TO HEAR SHE HAS A NICE

SMILE AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO

GIVE IT UP ON THE FIRST DATE

LADIES.

THE EASIER IT IS TO PICK UP A

CHICK THE MORE LIKELY SHE'S

COURSING HPV.

AND GIRLS GET EMOTIONALLY

ATTACHED WHEN THEY ORGASM SO

IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOT LET THAT

HAPPEN

I NEVER GIVE A GIRL MY NUMBER

AND I GIVE HER A BOTTLE WITH A

NOTE AND TELL HER TO THROW IT

INTO THE SEA.

THE CURRENTS WILL DETERMINE OUR

FATE.

I STILL WANT TO HELP ALEX SLEIGH

SOME STRANGE SO I SLIPPED HIM A

MICKY AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO MY

PLACE FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> DANIEL TOSH, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE

>> Tosh: I FOUND YOU ON GRINDER

SO I BROUGHT YOU A SANDWICH AND

SOME CHEESE.

COME ON IN.

WHO IS ALEX?

>> RIGHT NOW I'M AN ENGINEERING

STUDENT AT NEW ENGLAND.

>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE

VIDEO.

>>I WAS HELPING A FRIEND MAKE

DATING ADVICE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG BEFORE IT

BECAME POPULAR.

>> A FEW YEARS WE HAD A FEW

THOUSAND HITS AND TWO YEARS AGO

IT WAS POSTED EVERYWHERE.

>> DID YOU WAKE UP IN A SWEAT.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR

SECRETS ONLINE?

>> THEY'RE NOT SECRETS THEY'RE

LINES.

LINES DON'T WORK.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD

SUCCESS WITH PICK UP LINES?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE FUNNY PICK

UPLINES?

>> YOU TAKE A DRINK AND YOU SAY

TO A GIRL I THINK SOMEBODY PUT

SOMETHING IN THIS.

CAN YOU TEST.

>> Tosh: NAME SOME PAST TIMES.

>> I LIKE TO SAIL.

>> Tosh: NOBODY SAILS.

DO YOU WEAR A SWEATER OVER YOUR

SHOULDER.

WHAT OTHER PASTTIMES.

>> I PLAY GUITAR.

>> Tosh: I ASSUME YOU TRAVELLED

THROUGH EUROPE.

>> YES.

CAN I HAVE MY ARM BACK?

>> Tosh: NO ONE FORCED YOU TO

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> Tosh: WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET GIRLS?

>> DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF GIRL

YOU LIKE.

>> Tosh: I LIKE A WHORE.

WHERE WOULD YOU SAY THE BEST

PLACE IS?

>> I WOULDN'T KNOW.

>> Tosh: WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET A STRONG INTERESTING

GIRL LOOKING FOR A VOICE

RELATIONSHIP?

>> A BOOK STORE.

>> Tosh: WHAT SECTION.

>> DEPENDS WHAT YOU LIKE.

>> Tosh: WHORE.

DO YOU ALSO GIVE ADVICE ON

SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.

>> NOT ANY MORE.

>> Tosh: SO YOU HAVE?

DID YOU MAKE A VIDEO LIKE THAT

AS WELL?

ARE YOU ROLLING IN THE

[BLEEP]ING.

>> DEFINE ROLLING?

JUST UP TO HERE.

DO YOU KEEP A SEX JOURNAL.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WOULD YOU CONSIDER

YOURSELF AN ASS OR TIT MAN.

>> MORE OF A ASS MAN.

>> I THINK TO COMES WITH

MATURITY.

AS LONG AS THAT VAGINA ISN'T

BEAT UP WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

WHAT'S THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU WENT

OUT WITH?

>> A JENNIFER.

>> Tosh: SHE LEFT A VOICE MAIL

SAYING DO YOU THINK YOU CAN

NEVER [BLEEP] TALK TO ME AGAIN.

I PLAYED IT FOR ANYONE WHO WOULD

LISTEN.

YOU EXCITED ABOUT SPEED DATING?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I'LL WATCH YOU.

REMEMBER YOUR ADVICE, BIG SMILE,

HIGH ENERGY.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ROMANCE THE

[BLEEP] OUT OF THESE SLUTS.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: OPEN UP.

>> I'M HALF IRISH.

>> WILL I BE NEEDING LUCKY

CHARMS TO GET YOUR NUMBER?

>> NO.

>> WERE YOU AFFECTED BY THE

RADIATION IN JAPAN.

YOU'RE A LITTLE GLOWING.

>> HOW ABOUT WE HIT UP RED

LOBSTER OR WHENEVER YOU PEOPLE

LIKE TO GO.

>> YOU PEOPLE?

>> DO YOU LIKE TRAINS BECAUSE

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LOOK AT

THE CLEVELAND STEAMER.

>> HE WANTS TO KNOW IF HE CAN

PEE ON YOU.

>> GROSS.

>> YEAH, BUT CAN HE PEE ON YOU.

>> NO.

>> YOU WANT TO PLAY MATCH THE

CASTLE TOWERS.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> WHEN OUR PENISES BANG INTO

EACH OTHER.

>> I'M AT THE WRONG TABLE.

>> YOU SHOULD [BLEEP] ME.

I'M ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

>> HEY, THAT'S MY LINE, DICK.

>> I HAVE EVERY TYLER PERRY

MOVIE ON BLU-RAY.

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE BLUEBERRIES.

>> YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE

BLUEBERRIES.

>> CAN I --

>> YEAH, YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT.

IT'S A GLASS EYE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COOL WITH IT.

>> GOD, THAT'S [BLEEP]ING GROSS.

GO AHEAD, BIG TALKER, POP IT IN.

>> HOW ABOUT WE SKIP DESSERT AND

YOU EAT MY BROWN EYE?

[APPLAUSE]

>>

>> FOR THE RECORD I DON'T SPEED

DATE.

IF YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME BE

AMAZING LOOKING AND I OUR

MANAGERS WILL DISCUSS UPCOMING

PROJECTS AND PROBABLY HAVE

INTERCOURSE.

FIRST I WISH THIS HAPPENED TO

EVERYONE WHO DRESSED UP FOR

COMICON.

[LAUGHTER]

[***]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT WAS THE GUINNESS

BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WINNER FOR

THE TIGHTEST PARALLEL PARKING

JOB.

IF IT SEEMS LIKE A STUPID WORLD

RECORD IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A

BUNCH OF ALCOHOLICS AT GUINNESS

RUNNING THINGS.

IF THERE'S A RECORD I WILL NOT

REST UNTIL I'VE BROKEN IT OUT

SMASHED THE HELL OUT OF A COUPLE

MINI COOPERS THAT DON'T BELONG

TO ME.

NOW TIME FOR THE SEGMENT, I'M

BETTER THAN YOU, NA NA NA BOO

BOO, STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.

>> I THINK I CAN DO IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> Tosh: NA NA NA BOO BOO, STICK

YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE LADIES AND

MY STAFF FOR LENDING ME THE

MINIS FOR THAT BIT.

GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A VIEWER VIDEO.

>> I'M CHRIS.

I'M 25 YEARS OLD.

ALL RIGHT.

QUICK QUESTION, DO YOU HAVE ANY

PETS?

A DOG.

>> WHAT'S YOUR DOG'S NAME?

>> MOCHA.

>> MOCHA.

OKAY.

THAT'S CUTE.

OKAY.

LITTLE MOCHA, JUST PAST AWAY IN

YOUR ARMS AND THAT'S YOUR LITTLE

MOCHA.

SHOW ME A BROKEN DOWN MAN.

SHOW ME SAD.

TAKE A MOMENT IF YOU NEED ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, CHRIS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S THE SAME LOOK

THAT HE'S BEEN COASTING ON FOR

YEARS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

COMIC GROOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK TO MY

EXTREMELY PROFITABLE TELEVISED

PODCAST.

NEXT WEEK WE DUST OFF THIS

NINE-YEAR-OLD GEM FOR A

REDEMPTION.

>> NEARLY EVERY SHOP IS

INSTALLING METAL IN THE EXHAUST

PIPES THAT MAKES THE CAR AUDIBLE

FOR AT LEAST A MILE.

>> THE WHIFFLE'S LIKE AN ALARM

CLOCK.

>> Tosh: WE MAKE HIM SAY

WHOO-WHOO 15 MORE TIMES.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG ON COMEDY

CENTRAL AND BUY THINGS WITH MY

NAME ON THEM AT OUR STORE AND

I'D IN HAPPY TO STOP THINKING

ABOUT MY NEW BRICKLE BERRY.

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO STEVE

WHO YOU MIGHT REMEMBER FROM

OFFICE SPACE.

>> IF SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE WHY

DIDN'T I WEAR A CONDOM?

>> NO CONDOM.

>> Tosh: AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU

EVER HAD A MYSTERIOUS RASH BUT

WERE TOO EMBARRASSED OR POOR TO

SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT IT?

GOOD NEWS I'M GIVING OUT MEDICAL

ADVICE I'M NOT A DOCTOR BUT I

HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND I

ASKED TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO

DESCRIBE THEIR SYMPTOM AND I

GIVE ADVICE IN A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED TWEETMENT.

MY ANKLE HURTS.

STOP BEING A PUSSY AND IF THAT

DOESN'T WORK BUY YOURSELF AN

OTTOMAN.

EXCEPT FOR FOUR, NONE OF MY

[BLEEP] HAS BEEN SOLID FOR THE

PAST THREE WEEKS POOPING.

.

THERE'S NO DISRESPECT IN HAVING

ONLY FOUR A WEEK.

MY EYE TWITCHES ALL THE TIME.

I CAN FEEL IT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE

IT.

THERE'S LUPUS.

YOU WILL DIE ALONE.

NOW BUY AN EYE PATCH.

I THINK I MIGHT BE TOO CUTE.

I THINK THAT'S NOT A PICTURE OF

YOU.

MY FEET GET HOT AT NIGHT.

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS

BEFORE YOU GET INTO BED.

WHAT IF THEY WERE AT HOME GOING

HOLY [BLEEP], THAT WORKED.

THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK MY

SUGGESTION WAS SO DUMB.

A COUGH, BUMPS AROUND MY LIPS

AND MOUTH, FEVER AND NOBODY

WANTS ME TO EAT THEM OUT WHICH I

AM VERY GOOD AT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS

SERIOUSLY

YOU NEED TO GROW A GOATEE.

THAT WILL HIDE THE SORES AND

THEN ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOING DOWN

TO STARE AT IT AND THEN MUNCH

TIME.

WHEN DRUM LINE IS ON I HAVE TO

WATCH IT.

I'D BE WORRIED IF YOU DIDN'T

WATCH IT.

I HAVE A FETUS GROWING INSIDE

ANY BELLY.

DO NOT PANIC.

FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS AND TAKE

TAKE A WIRE AND JAM IT UP THERE

AGGRESIVELY AND JUMP IN A

JACUZZI, PREFERABLY SET OVER 120

DEGREES.

STEW IN THERE AS LONG AS

POSSIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.

SORRY I DIDN'T TRY HARDER BUT IN

FAIRNESS NEITHER DID YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.