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INTERNET AND INTENDED FOR MATURE
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AUDIENCE AND COMEDY CENTRAL
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DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM
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ATTEMPTING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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>> SEE MY BREASTS.
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LET ME OUT.
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>> WHY NOT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> THAT VACUUM WOULDN'T BE
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SMILING SO MUCH IF HE KNEW THERE
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WAS A [BLEEP] UP HIS NOSE.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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IF YOU'RE LIKE ME WHEN YOU THINK
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OF GOOD AUTHENTIC REGGAE MUSIC
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CHINESE CROWN COMES TO MIND AND
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THEY RELEASED THESE SICK CLICKS
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FOR THE LADIES.
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I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M EVEN
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TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT.
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BUT APPARENTLY THEY'RE GOOD
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SHOES.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE HELP THE
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PICKUP ART OF THE GET LAID AND I
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SHOW YOU THE MOST TALENTED VALET
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EVER AND PROVE GOING TO MEDICAL
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SCHOOL'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF
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TIME.
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NOW LET'S SEE IF JEFF VAN
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GUNDY'S STILL GOING AT IT WITH
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THE VACUUM.
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DO YOU KNOW 80% OF GUYS ARE
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STILL WEARING THE WRONG SIZED
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BRA.
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THIS TURNED THE DUST BUSTER INTO
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THE BUTT DUSTER.
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FUN FACT, THE MODEL HOLDS UP TO
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THREE GALLONS.
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IS THERE A HOSE ATTACHMENT THAT
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WIG SUCK UP SHAME?
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DID YOU HERE ABOUT KENT IN
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ACCOUNTING?
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SAW HIM ON TOSH GETTING SUCKED
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UP BY SHOCK VAC.
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THINK HE'LL STILL GET THE
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PROMOTION?
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PROBABLY, HE DOES GOOD WORK.
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TURNS OUT FOOT BINDING GETS YOU
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MAD HOPS.
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I BET HER PARENTS ARE PSYCHED
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THEY DIDN'T THROW HER IN THE
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RIVER WHEN SHE WAS BORN.
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SHE JUST BURNED OFF EIGHT BOWLES
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OF RICE.
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REALLY PACKED THE STANDS TO SEE
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THIS ONE.
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ALL RIGHT.
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YOU'RE 30 SECOND BREAK IS OVER.
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BACK TO MAKING MY SICK KICKS.
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NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHAT THE
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[BLEEP] IS THAT STANDING OFF TO
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THE SIDE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S A
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MONKEY, LITTLE PERSON OR A
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MONKEY.
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ALL RIGHT.
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THE JURY'S STILL OUT. ALL I KNOW
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IS AMERICA'S GOING TAKE THE GOLD
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IN SKIPPING ROPE.
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ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!
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SORRY, I FORT GOT TO COUNT.
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THE REAL TRICK WAS FINDING A
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PAIR OF TITTIES IN L.A. THAT
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WEREN'T TOO FAKE TO FLOP AROUND.
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IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE
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NEXT VIDEO IS NEVER VOLUNTEER TO
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DEMONSTRATE ANYTHING.
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>> I'M GOING TO ROLL TO MY LEFT
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AT THE SAME TIME I'M GOING BRING
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MY RIGHT LEG OVER THE SHOULDER.
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>> Tosh: YOU SHOP AT THE SAME
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BLUE PAJAMA OUTLET?
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WATCH HIS HANDS I THINK HE WANTS
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TO TAP OUT -- NOPE, HE'S GONNA
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TAKE A NAP.
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SO YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD.
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YEAH.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[BLEEP]
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>>
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>> Tosh: BEING A GROWN MAN MEANS
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NEVER HAVING TO SAY I GOT CHOKED
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OUT AT KARATE PRACTICE.
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BUNCH OF OLD DUDES PROBABLY
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FINDING IN THAT MOVIE,
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EXPENDABLES 2.
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IT'S A JOKE.
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BECAUSE SHE DANCES A ROBO DON'T
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MAKE HER A HOE-NO.
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USHER'S IN TROUBLE.
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GOOD JOB, THIS IS WAY MORE FUN
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TO WATCH THAN A CURE FOR CANCER.
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DON'T JUST STARE YOU HORN DOG,
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THROW SOME YEN.
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NOW TEACH IT HOW TO LISTEN AND
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NOD SO I CAN SEND IT ON ALL MY
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DATES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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OLD MAN STRENGTH IS NO MATCH FOR
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ALLIGATOR STRENGTH.
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>> Tosh: THE YEARS HAVE NOT BEEN
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KIND TO JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.
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[BLEEP] [BLEEP]
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>>
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>> FORCING GRANDPA TO WRESTLE
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GATORS IS WAY MORE HUMAN THAN
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PUTTING HIM IN A HOME.
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SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED TO ME
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LAST WEEKEND.
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>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?
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DID YOU JUST BITE ME?
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>> YEAH.
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I HOPE IT GETS INFECTED YOU OLD
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PERVE.
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>> Tosh: TECHNICALLY I WAS
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TRESPASSING.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> Tosh: JONBENET IS WOBBLING IN
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HER GRAVE AND SHE CAN'T EVEN
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MASTER WALKING.
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HOW WILL SHE EVER CARRY OUT HER
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IMPORTANT BEAUTY DREAMS.
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NOW WATCH HER DREAMS SHATTER IN
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THE BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS
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BEAUTY CONTEST IN THE ENTIRE
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THIRD WORLD.
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LET'S SKIP RIGHT TO THE SWIM
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SUITS SINCE THEY ALL HAVE THE
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SAME TALENT, STILL BEING ALIVE
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IN AFRICA.
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EASY, BIG FELLA.
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SHE'S ROAMING AROUND LIKE A
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NEW-BORN CALF.
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THE WEAVE MUST BE THROWING OFF
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THEIR CENTER OF GRAVITY OR IT'S
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THE LACK OF CLEAN WATER.
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TIMBER.
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NOW I GET WHY CLOONEY WANTS TO
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HELP THE SUDANS SO BAD.
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HUBBA, HUBBA.
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LITTLE MISS MIDNIGHT IS REALLY
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STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN HER BOYS.
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I GUESS THE MOST OF DAY IS
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VISION TO AVOID CIRCUMCISION
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WALKING ON HEELS ISN'T A
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PRIORITY.
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THE KEY IS SHIFTING WEIGHT TO
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THE TOES.
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I ONLY KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DATE
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MODELS AND I'M A CROSS-DRESSER
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AND WE SAY HAKUNA MUTATA
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CHOCOLATE PRINCESS.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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FLIRTING EXPERT BUT FIRST LET'S
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JUST SAY YOU BOTH LOST.
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[***]
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>> A LOT OF THINGS ADULTS SAY
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THAT ARE FLIRTING CAN BE TAKEN
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THE WRONG WAY IF YOU DON'T
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CONVEY THEM WITH ENERGY AND FUN.
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IN OTHER WORDS, IF I SEE A GIRL
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WITH BLUE EYES I MIGHT SAY WOW,
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YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE
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BLUEBERRIES.
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WAIT, CAN I -- I'M KIND OF
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HUNGRY -- CAN I HAVE?
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THAT'S ONE THING WE CAN GO INTO
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BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IF I
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DON'T SMILE AND BRING MY ENERGY
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LEVEL LOWER AND IF MY VOICE
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SOUNDS FLAT.
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HEY, I REALLY LIKE YOUR EYES.
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THEY'RE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRYS
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.
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CAN I TOUCH THEM?
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CAN I EAT THEM.
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THAT'S STRANGE.
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>> Tosh: I THINK A MOISTURE BOMB
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WENT OFF ON OUR PANTIES.
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I LOVE THAT GUY.
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THAT GUY IS A SEX PERT AND HE
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WAS MAKING A VIDEO ABOUT HOW TO
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FLIRT.
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IF YOU USE THE RIGHT ATTENTION
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OF ATTENTION, FLATTERY AND VODKA
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CRANBERRY HER LEGS SPREAD OPEN.
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IF SHE HAS BIG BOOBS SHE JUST
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WANTS TO HEAR SHE HAS A NICE
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SMILE AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO
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GIVE IT UP ON THE FIRST DATE
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LADIES.
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THE EASIER IT IS TO PICK UP A
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CHICK THE MORE LIKELY SHE'S
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COURSING HPV.
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AND GIRLS GET EMOTIONALLY
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ATTACHED WHEN THEY ORGASM SO
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IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOT LET THAT
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HAPPEN
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I NEVER GIVE A GIRL MY NUMBER
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AND I GIVE HER A BOTTLE WITH A
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NOTE AND TELL HER TO THROW IT
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INTO THE SEA.
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THE CURRENTS WILL DETERMINE OUR
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FATE.
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I STILL WANT TO HELP ALEX SLEIGH
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SOME STRANGE SO I SLIPPED HIM A
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MICKY AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO MY
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PLACE FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> DANIEL TOSH, WHAT ARE YOU
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DOING HERE
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>> Tosh: I FOUND YOU ON GRINDER
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SO I BROUGHT YOU A SANDWICH AND
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SOME CHEESE.
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COME ON IN.
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WHO IS ALEX?
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>> RIGHT NOW I'M AN ENGINEERING
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STUDENT AT NEW ENGLAND.
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>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE
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VIDEO.
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>>I WAS HELPING A FRIEND MAKE
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DATING ADVICE.
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>> Tosh: HOW LONG BEFORE IT
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BECAME POPULAR.
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>> A FEW YEARS WE HAD A FEW
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THOUSAND HITS AND TWO YEARS AGO
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IT WAS POSTED EVERYWHERE.
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>> DID YOU WAKE UP IN A SWEAT.
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WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR
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SECRETS ONLINE?
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>> THEY'RE NOT SECRETS THEY'RE
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LINES.
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LINES DON'T WORK.
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>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD
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SUCCESS WITH PICK UP LINES?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE FUNNY PICK
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UPLINES?
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>> YOU TAKE A DRINK AND YOU SAY
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TO A GIRL I THINK SOMEBODY PUT
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SOMETHING IN THIS.
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CAN YOU TEST.
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>> Tosh: NAME SOME PAST TIMES.
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>> I LIKE TO SAIL.
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>> Tosh: NOBODY SAILS.
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DO YOU WEAR A SWEATER OVER YOUR
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SHOULDER.
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WHAT OTHER PASTTIMES.
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>> I PLAY GUITAR.
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>> Tosh: I ASSUME YOU TRAVELLED
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THROUGH EUROPE.
265
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,200
>> YES.
266
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,830
CAN I HAVE MY ARM BACK?
267
00:10:46,833 --> 00:10:48,333
>> Tosh: NO ONE FORCED YOU TO
268
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:50,103
PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.
269
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,030
>> YEAH, RIGHT.
270
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,803
>> Tosh: WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE
271
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:53,730
TO MEET GIRLS?
272
00:10:53,733 --> 00:10:55,033
>> DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF GIRL
273
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:55,733
YOU LIKE.
274
00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:59,003
>> Tosh: I LIKE A WHORE.
275
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,370
WHERE WOULD YOU SAY THE BEST
276
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:01,097
PLACE IS?
277
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,670
>> I WOULDN'T KNOW.
278
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:04,927
>> Tosh: WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE
279
00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,373
TO MEET A STRONG INTERESTING
280
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,267
GIRL LOOKING FOR A VOICE
281
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:08,827
RELATIONSHIP?
282
00:11:08,833 --> 00:11:10,073
>> A BOOK STORE.
283
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:11,097
>> Tosh: WHAT SECTION.
284
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:14,070
>> DEPENDS WHAT YOU LIKE.
285
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:14,797
>> Tosh: WHORE.
286
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,070
DO YOU ALSO GIVE ADVICE ON
287
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:17,227
SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.
288
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:18,073
>> NOT ANY MORE.
289
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,067
>> Tosh: SO YOU HAVE?
290
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,467
DID YOU MAKE A VIDEO LIKE THAT
291
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:21,367
AS WELL?
292
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:24,227
ARE YOU ROLLING IN THE
293
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:24,873
[BLEEP]ING.
294
00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:28,927
>> DEFINE ROLLING?
295
00:11:28,933 --> 00:11:30,373
JUST UP TO HERE.
296
00:11:30,367 --> 00:11:34,067
DO YOU KEEP A SEX JOURNAL.
297
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,667
>> NO.
298
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,127
>> Tosh: WOULD YOU CONSIDER
299
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:39,073
YOURSELF AN ASS OR TIT MAN.
300
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:44,327
>> MORE OF A ASS MAN.
301
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:46,173
>> I THINK TO COMES WITH
302
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:46,797
MATURITY.
303
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,300
AS LONG AS THAT VAGINA ISN'T
304
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,070
BEAT UP WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
305
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,427
WHAT'S THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU WENT
306
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:53,573
OUT WITH?
307
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:57,667
>> A JENNIFER.
308
00:11:57,667 --> 00:12:00,097
>> Tosh: SHE LEFT A VOICE MAIL
309
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:02,430
SAYING DO YOU THINK YOU CAN
310
00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:04,233
NEVER [BLEEP] TALK TO ME AGAIN.
311
00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:08,633
I PLAYED IT FOR ANYONE WHO WOULD
312
00:12:08,633 --> 00:12:09,103
LISTEN.
313
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:14,200
YOU EXCITED ABOUT SPEED DATING?
314
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,070
>> YEAH.
315
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,127
>> Tosh: I'LL WATCH YOU.
316
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:18,073
REMEMBER YOUR ADVICE, BIG SMILE,
317
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,467
HIGH ENERGY.
318
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,767
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ROMANCE THE
319
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:22,867
[BLEEP] OUT OF THESE SLUTS.
320
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:23,527
>> OKAY.
321
00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:39,503
>> Tosh: OPEN UP.
322
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,070
>> I'M HALF IRISH.
323
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:43,927
>> WILL I BE NEEDING LUCKY
324
00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:46,573
CHARMS TO GET YOUR NUMBER?
325
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:47,197
>> NO.
326
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,930
>> WERE YOU AFFECTED BY THE
327
00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:54,173
RADIATION IN JAPAN.
328
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:55,397
YOU'RE A LITTLE GLOWING.
329
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,770
>> HOW ABOUT WE HIT UP RED
330
00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:58,927
LOBSTER OR WHENEVER YOU PEOPLE
331
00:12:58,933 --> 00:12:59,473
LIKE TO GO.
332
00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,627
>> YOU PEOPLE?
333
00:13:01,633 --> 00:13:03,273
>> DO YOU LIKE TRAINS BECAUSE
334
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:05,367
I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LOOK AT
335
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,197
THE CLEVELAND STEAMER.
336
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,200
>> HE WANTS TO KNOW IF HE CAN
337
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,070
PEE ON YOU.
338
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:09,767
>> GROSS.
339
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:12,467
>> YEAH, BUT CAN HE PEE ON YOU.
340
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:13,067
>> NO.
341
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:15,667
>> YOU WANT TO PLAY MATCH THE
342
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:16,567
CASTLE TOWERS.
343
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:17,597
>> WHAT IS THAT?
344
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,070
>> WHEN OUR PENISES BANG INTO
345
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:20,867
EACH OTHER.
346
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,227
>> I'M AT THE WRONG TABLE.
347
00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:23,673
>> YOU SHOULD [BLEEP] ME.
348
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:25,067
I'M ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
349
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,167
>> HEY, THAT'S MY LINE, DICK.
350
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,967
>> I HAVE EVERY TYLER PERRY
351
00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:32,327
MOVIE ON BLU-RAY.
352
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:36,433
YOUR EYES ARE LIKE BLUEBERRIES.
353
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,933
>> YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE
354
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:39,533
BLUEBERRIES.
355
00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:39,973
>> CAN I --
356
00:13:39,967 --> 00:13:41,227
>> YEAH, YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT.
357
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,203
IT'S A GLASS EYE.
358
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,300
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COOL WITH IT.
359
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:50,200
>> GOD, THAT'S [BLEEP]ING GROSS.
360
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,670
GO AHEAD, BIG TALKER, POP IT IN.
361
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,697
>> HOW ABOUT WE SKIP DESSERT AND
362
00:13:56,700 --> 00:14:01,930
YOU EAT MY BROWN EYE?
363
00:14:01,933 --> 00:14:02,633
[APPLAUSE]
364
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:02,903
>>
365
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,370
>> FOR THE RECORD I DON'T SPEED
366
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:05,827
DATE.
367
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:07,603
IF YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME BE
368
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,870
AMAZING LOOKING AND I OUR
369
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,697
MANAGERS WILL DISCUSS UPCOMING
370
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,430
PROJECTS AND PROBABLY HAVE
371
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:16,073
INTERCOURSE.
372
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,227
FIRST I WISH THIS HAPPENED TO
373
00:14:17,233 --> 00:14:19,573
EVERYONE WHO DRESSED UP FOR
374
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:36,097
COMICON.
375
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:42,400
[LAUGHTER]
376
00:14:42,400 --> 00:15:02,300
[***]
377
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,430
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
378
00:15:04,433 --> 00:15:06,203
>> Tosh: THAT WAS THE GUINNESS
379
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,530
BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WINNER FOR
380
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,173
THE TIGHTEST PARALLEL PARKING
381
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:09,667
JOB.
382
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,797
IF IT SEEMS LIKE A STUPID WORLD
383
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,100
RECORD IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A
384
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:20,200
BUNCH OF ALCOHOLICS AT GUINNESS
385
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,130
RUNNING THINGS.
386
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:22,433
IF THERE'S A RECORD I WILL NOT
387
00:15:22,433 --> 00:15:24,773
REST UNTIL I'VE BROKEN IT OUT
388
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:26,597
SMASHED THE HELL OUT OF A COUPLE
389
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,770
MINI COOPERS THAT DON'T BELONG
390
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:29,897
TO ME.
391
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:32,300
NOW TIME FOR THE SEGMENT, I'M
392
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:35,300
BETTER THAN YOU, NA NA NA BOO
393
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:38,070
BOO, STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.
394
00:15:38,067 --> 00:16:19,797
>> I THINK I CAN DO IT.
395
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:20,697
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
396
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:20,930
.
397
00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:21,973
>> Tosh: NA NA NA BOO BOO, STICK
398
00:16:21,967 --> 00:16:23,367
YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.
399
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:28,467
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE LADIES AND
400
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:30,267
MY STAFF FOR LENDING ME THE
401
00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:31,167
MINIS FOR THAT BIT.
402
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:34,427
GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP
403
00:16:34,433 --> 00:16:37,373
FOR A VIEWER VIDEO.
404
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,297
>> I'M CHRIS.
405
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,800
I'M 25 YEARS OLD.
406
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:41,500
ALL RIGHT.
407
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,370
QUICK QUESTION, DO YOU HAVE ANY
408
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:43,897
PETS?
409
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:44,300
A DOG.
410
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,430
>> WHAT'S YOUR DOG'S NAME?
411
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:46,133
>> MOCHA.
412
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,273
>> MOCHA.
413
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:47,827
OKAY.
414
00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:49,973
THAT'S CUTE.
415
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:50,467
OKAY.
416
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,927
LITTLE MOCHA, JUST PAST AWAY IN
417
00:16:53,933 --> 00:16:56,433
YOUR ARMS AND THAT'S YOUR LITTLE
418
00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,073
MOCHA.
419
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,127
SHOW ME A BROKEN DOWN MAN.
420
00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:02,373
SHOW ME SAD.
421
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:15,367
TAKE A MOMENT IF YOU NEED ONE.
422
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:19,427
[LAUGHTER]
423
00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:20,103
>> ALL RIGHT.
424
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:21,770
THANK YOU, CHRIS.
425
00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:24,167
>> Tosh: THAT'S THE SAME LOOK
426
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,567
THAT HE'S BEEN COASTING ON FOR
427
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:25,967
YEARS.
428
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:27,227
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
429
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:28,073
COMIC GROOVE.
430
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:35,497
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
431
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,700
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
432
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:40,200
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK TO MY
433
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,270
EXTREMELY PROFITABLE TELEVISED
434
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:43,897
PODCAST.
435
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:44,930
NEXT WEEK WE DUST OFF THIS
436
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,733
NINE-YEAR-OLD GEM FOR A
437
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,273
REDEMPTION.
438
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:52,727
>> NEARLY EVERY SHOP IS
439
00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:54,773
INSTALLING METAL IN THE EXHAUST
440
00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:56,897
PIPES THAT MAKES THE CAR AUDIBLE
441
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:00,430
FOR AT LEAST A MILE.
442
00:18:00,433 --> 00:18:06,233
>> THE WHIFFLE'S LIKE AN ALARM
443
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:06,773
CLOCK.
444
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,267
>> Tosh: WE MAKE HIM SAY
445
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,627
WHOO-WHOO 15 MORE TIMES.
446
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:14,173
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG ON COMEDY
447
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:17,067
CENTRAL AND BUY THINGS WITH MY
448
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:19,397
NAME ON THEM AT OUR STORE AND
449
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,670
I'D IN HAPPY TO STOP THINKING
450
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,597
ABOUT MY NEW BRICKLE BERRY.
451
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,800
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO STEVE
452
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,200
WHO YOU MIGHT REMEMBER FROM
453
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:30,970
OFFICE SPACE.
454
00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:32,727
>> IF SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE WHY
455
00:18:32,733 --> 00:18:35,303
DIDN'T I WEAR A CONDOM?
456
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,500
>> NO CONDOM.
457
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,830
>> Tosh: AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU
458
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,533
EVER HAD A MYSTERIOUS RASH BUT
459
00:18:40,533 --> 00:18:43,933
WERE TOO EMBARRASSED OR POOR TO
460
00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:48,473
SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT IT?
461
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,967
GOOD NEWS I'M GIVING OUT MEDICAL
462
00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:53,697
ADVICE I'M NOT A DOCTOR BUT I
463
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,070
HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND I
464
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:58,527
ASKED TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO
465
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:01,673
DESCRIBE THEIR SYMPTOM AND I
466
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:06,897
GIVE ADVICE IN A NEW SEGMENT
467
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:07,800
CALLED TWEETMENT.
468
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,070
MY ANKLE HURTS.
469
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,297
STOP BEING A PUSSY AND IF THAT
470
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:18,700
DOESN'T WORK BUY YOURSELF AN
471
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:19,300
OTTOMAN.
472
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:20,670
EXCEPT FOR FOUR, NONE OF MY
473
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,067
[BLEEP] HAS BEEN SOLID FOR THE
474
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:27,227
PAST THREE WEEKS POOPING.
475
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:27,573
.
476
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:34,127
THERE'S NO DISRESPECT IN HAVING
477
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:35,233
ONLY FOUR A WEEK.
478
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,303
MY EYE TWITCHES ALL THE TIME.
479
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,300
I CAN FEEL IT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE
480
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:40,930
IT.
481
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:41,773
THERE'S LUPUS.
482
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:43,167
YOU WILL DIE ALONE.
483
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:45,797
NOW BUY AN EYE PATCH.
484
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,500
I THINK I MIGHT BE TOO CUTE.
485
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:49,330
I THINK THAT'S NOT A PICTURE OF
486
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:49,733
YOU.
487
00:19:49,733 --> 00:19:51,533
MY FEET GET HOT AT NIGHT.
488
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,103
TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS
489
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,830
BEFORE YOU GET INTO BED.
490
00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:58,873
WHAT IF THEY WERE AT HOME GOING
491
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,427
HOLY [BLEEP], THAT WORKED.
492
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,373
THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK MY
493
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:05,627
SUGGESTION WAS SO DUMB.
494
00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:07,573
A COUGH, BUMPS AROUND MY LIPS
495
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:08,827
AND MOUTH, FEVER AND NOBODY
496
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:11,673
WANTS ME TO EAT THEM OUT WHICH I
497
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,467
AM VERY GOOD AT.
498
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:14,867
ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS
499
00:20:14,867 --> 00:20:15,527
SERIOUSLY
500
00:20:15,533 --> 00:20:19,873
YOU NEED TO GROW A GOATEE.
501
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:22,497
THAT WILL HIDE THE SORES AND
502
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,470
THEN ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOING DOWN
503
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:27,027
TO STARE AT IT AND THEN MUNCH
504
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:27,833
TIME.
505
00:20:27,833 --> 00:20:31,103
WHEN DRUM LINE IS ON I HAVE TO
506
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:31,900
WATCH IT.
507
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,430
I'D BE WORRIED IF YOU DIDN'T
508
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,133
WATCH IT.
509
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:39,097
I HAVE A FETUS GROWING INSIDE
510
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:41,570
ANY BELLY.
511
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,827
DO NOT PANIC.
512
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:49,933
FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS AND TAKE
513
00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:52,903
TAKE A WIRE AND JAM IT UP THERE
514
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:56,470
AGGRESIVELY AND JUMP IN A
515
00:20:56,467 --> 00:20:58,597
JACUZZI, PREFERABLY SET OVER 120
516
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,170
DEGREES.
517
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:00,367
STEW IN THERE AS LONG AS
518
00:21:00,367 --> 00:21:01,067
POSSIBLE.
519
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:01,967
ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.
520
00:21:01,967 --> 00:21:03,597
SORRY I DIDN'T TRY HARDER BUT IN
521
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:04,600
FAIRNESS NEITHER DID YOU.
522
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:04,930
GOOD NIGHT.
32372
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