Original subtitles

>> "TOSH.0" IS INTENDED FOR A

MATURE AUDIENCE.

COMEDY CENTRAL DISCOURAGES

ANYONE FROM ATTEMPTING THEM.

ENJOY.

[ MOTORCYCLE REVING ]

>> [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: COULD HAVE USED A FEW

LESS CCs.

"TOSH.0" AND THE SICK TICKS FOR

THE LADIES THE NEW BOUNCE NEW

ENGLAND PREP 996s.

BUT THEY'RE NOT AVAILABLE IN

STORES YET.

YEAH.

YOUR SORRY ASS WILL HAVE TO WAIT

OUTSIDE A GOD AWFUL MALL.

TONIGHT THE WEB REDEMPTION IS

ABOUT SMELLING.

THAT SHOULD BE HORRIBLE AND WE

BLOW SOME [BLEEP] UP.

HOLD ON A TICK, YOU'RE TELLING

THOSE HILLBILLY'S MASKS WERE

OFF?

AT LEAST THE BIKE STAYED DRY SO

THEY CAN TRY IT AGAIN.

[ MOTORCYCLE REVING ]

[ GASPS ]

>> KEEP THE RAMP.

HE'LL NEED TO TO GET INTO HIS

HOUSE IN NOW ON.

YOU CAN'T DO THINGS BECAUSE YOU

DREW THEM ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.

AND YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF

THE BEACH WITH THAT FIRE

EXTINGUISHER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NEVER TELL THE NEXT GUY

TO SHUT UP OR YOU WIND UP WITH

SPLINTERS IN YOUR TRACHEA.

>> SHUT UP.

>> YOU STUPID ASS PIECE OF

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: I'D MUCH RATHER WATCH

THAT AND THE ABRAHAM FILM.

BATS ARE FOR HITTING BALLS NOT

POOL CUES.

BALL IN HAND.

DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM

BASKETBALL.

COMBINING TWO SPORTS IS NEVER

FUNNY.

HERE'S THE MOST EROTIC WAY TO

GET SALMONELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: HE WOULD ASK FOR A

HAPPY ENDING BUT HE'S CHICKEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME

THIS YEAR LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY

FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: NOW PULL DOWN THAT

TOWEL AND SHOVE A BEER CAN UP

FAST.

GODDAMNIT THAT WAS AQUICK 20

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

I HAD A GREAT RACHEL RAY JOKE

READY.

AT SOME POINT HAVE YOU TO STOP

FIGHTING IT AND GET THE MINIVAN.

THE SANDUSKY SHUTTLE.

THEY'RE NOT HAPPY THEY'RE JUST

EXCITED THEY GOT ALL THE DUCT

TAPE OFF.

GETTING KILLED BY A TRUCK IS

BETTER THAN WHAT'S ABOUT TO

HAPPEN TO THEM AT THE END OF THE

ROAD.

THE SANDALS RESORT LOOKS WORSE

NOT BETTER THAN SITTING ON A

BEACH SITTING LIVE POISONOUS

FISH.

IT'S LIKE A JELL-O SHOT FROM

MOTHER NATURE.

HOPE IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR SOUP,

COMRADE.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG DEAL.

KID LOVE IT.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH.

>> PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET YOU A

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH.

>> WILL YOU CUT THE TENTACLES

OFF?

>> NO, THAT'S THE HEALTHY PART.

HERE.

PUT IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND

DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T PICK

UP ON THE SOPHISTICATED NUANCE

ON THE BIT THAT WAS A GLASS OF

PEE PEE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GIVE

YOURSELF A CONJUGAL VISIT.

NOW LET'S GET KNUCKLE DEEP IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WOMEN'S PRISON IS NEVER

AS SEXY THAT'S SOFTCORE MOVIES

IN CINEMAX.

SHE'S DIGGING IN HER NO-NO ZONE.

WONDER IF SHE REALIZES SHE CAN'T

DIG OUT.

IT'S THE OLD STASH IN THE GASH.

MUST HAVE SKILLED THE WHOLE

CAVITY SEARCH.

A LADY'S VAGINA IS LIKE A MAGIC

HAT.

IS THAT A PEZ DISPENSER?

I'M NO GYNECOLOGIST BUT YOU

SHOULDN'T USE YOUR SNATCH AS A

MEDICI

MEDICINE CABINET.

THAT'S IT.

SPREAD THEM AROUND LIKE AN

UMPIRE CLEANING HOME PLATE.

I SAY START SWALLOWING EVERY

JUNKIE KNOWS THE FIVE-SECOND

RULE DOESN'T APPLY TO DRUGS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOT MINE.

TIME TO CHECK HER B HOLE FOR A

RITE AID CARD.

NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE PRINTS WITH

THE SMELLY FINGERS AND FOR THAT

WE THANK YOU AND HEY GUY WITH

UNDERWEAR AROUND YOUR ANKLES.

JUST GRAB A BASKET.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> HERON.

>> HERON.

>> HAIR WINK.

>> HERON.

>> HERO?

>> HERON.

>> HAIRLINE?

>> HERON.

>> HERRING.

>> HERON.

>> HEROIN?

>> MAYBE REPEAT THE WORD PLEASE.

>> HERON.

>> PLEASE GIVE ME THE

DEFINITION.

>> A WADING BIRTH WITH A LONG

BILL AND LEGS AND SHARP CUTTING

AND THE LERZ.

>> H-E-R-O-N.

HERON.

>> Tosh: THAT WENT ON LONGER

THAN THE CHRIS FERGUSON

MONOLOGUE.

HE MADE HIM SAY IT 13 TIMES.

NO BEE IS REMOTELY FUN TO WATCH

THAT INCLUDES THE ONE WHO LIVES

IN 23.

SORRY, BEAK, THAT SHOW'S AWFUL.

SILENT LETTERS ARE JUST FOR

IMMIGRANTS TO MAKE IT HARDER TO

LEARN ENGLISH.

I'M A HORRIBLE SPELLER.

BEING THAT SPELLING IS KNOWING

HOW TO DRAW A COOL DRAGON UNLESS

YOUR A TATTOO ARTIST NO ONE

GIVES.

SKIN DOESN'T AUTO CORRECT.

YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR AND

YOUR.

YOUR MODEL FRIEND IS HOT BUT

YOU'RE A BEAST.

QUICK CHECKING BY TWEETSS FOR AN

INCORRECT SPELLING.

I STILL RESPECT CHRIS 'CAUSE

THOUGH IT TOOK HIM A LONG TIME

LIKE THE MIAMI HEAT HE GOT THE

JOB DONE THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM

TO LANGUAGE WHERE ENGLISH HASN'T

BEEN THE LANGUAGE FOR DECADES.

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> CHRIS IS HERE.

>> WHO?

>> CHRIS.

>> CRAIG.

>> CHRIS?

>> ROMEO?

>> CHRIS.

>> MARK?

>> CHRIS.

>> ROSCOE.

>> CHRIS IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

>> YOU THINK HITLER MADE VALID

POINTS.

>> CHRIS IS HERE.

>> WHO?

>> THE ORIGINAL CAST OF FAMILY

TIES.

>> YES.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHERE YOU FROM,

CHRIS?

>> OXNARD, CALIFORNIA.

>> HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD

SPELLER?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW MANY SPELLING BEES HAVE

YOU BEEN IN YOUR LIFE?

>> ALL SCHOOL SPELLING BEES AND

WON ALL FOUR AND COUNTY THREE

TIMES.

>> PEOPLE THINK YOU WERE

CLOWNING.

>> NO.

>> YOU REALLY COULDN'T HERE?

>> I WAS EXTREMELY DESPERATE SO

I SAID EVERY WORD THAT STARTED

WITH H.

>> YOU THINK HEROIN.

>> THEY'RE SIMILAR.

>> DO YOU THINK IT WAS THE

SPEAKERS BECAUSE THEY WERE SET

UP?

>> THE SPEAKERS WERE WAITING THE

WRONG WAY.

>> HAS THERE BEEN ANYTHING

SHADY?

>> THAT'S IN THE NATIONAL LEVEL.

>> WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE

AUDIENCE SPELLING IT OUT OR SIGN

LANGUAGE.

>> YEAH.

>> LEAVE IT TO THE DEAF TO RUIN

A GOOD THING.

>> YEAH.

>> ARE YOU PLOWED THROUGH A

DICTIONARY.

>> YES, A BIG WITH ONE.

>> IS IT CALLED SPELLING BEES

BECAUSE BEES NEVER HAVE SEX.

>> THAT'S A MEAN JOKE.

>> DOES THE LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN

ACTUALLY HELP FOR [BLEEP].

>> [BLEEP].

>> SAY MOTHER MAY I --

>> MOTHER MAY I --

>> CAN YOU WRITE DOWN THE WORD?

>> HELP.

>> CAN YOU RIGHT ON YOUR HAND.

>> OR LITTLE INK.

>> OR DRY SKIN.

>> THAT'S WHEN IT HELPS TO BE

BLACK.

BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE TO PROVE

TO EVERYONE YOU'RE NOT DEAF WE

NEED TO CLEAN OUT OUR EARS.

I DO THIS ONCE A WEEK.

.

LORD KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO

FIND IN HERE.

THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING

STILL IN MY EAR.

WHOA.

POOR LITTLE GUY WAS ON QUITE A

JOURNEY.

>> WHAT?

>> I BET YOU HAVE QUITE THE

STORY TO TELL.

THERE'S ONLY ONE SPELLING BEE A

16-YEAR-OLD SHOULD BE PROUD TO

COMPETE IN THAT'S THE URBAN

DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE BY WIN

DIXIE.

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES.

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE URBAN

DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE.

ALL THE WORDS ARE SLANG AND

HOPEFULLY ONE DAY IN A REAL

DICTIONARY.

>> WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL

THREE.

LET'S BEGIN.

>> DON'T CHOKE.

>> YOU'RE WORD, FARFUL.

>> CAN I HAVE THE DEFINITION?

>> TO GARGLE WITH YOUR OWN BARF.

BARFLE.

>> B-A-R-F-E-L.

>> SORRY, THAT IS WRONG.

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE SHAME ON YOUR

FAMILY'S FACE RIGHT NOW.

>> YOUR WORD, HORNY CORN.

>> HORNY CORN.

H-O-R-N-Y-C-O-R-N.

>> JAPANXIETY.

>> CAN YOU USE IN A SENTENCE.

XIETY.

>> HAPPY ENDING.

>> CHICK ANDO WATCH.

>> USING THE GAS STATION

SQUEE-GEE TO WATCH YOUR ENTIRE

CAR.

SOMEONE WHO EATS SCABS OFF THEIR

PARTNER'S GENITALS.

>> I JUST PASSED THE GAS LAW.

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

>> THE WORD IS CALENTARD.

>> OMG.

>> THAT'S WRONG.

>> I WASN'T SPELLING.

THAT'S AN EXPRESSION YOU

SENILEB.

>> GIVING A GIRL A FACIAL FROM A

MASSIVELY CIRCUMSIZED SHLONG.

>> AFTER WE GO TO THE DELI I'D

LIKE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MY

PLACE FOR A NICE --

>> CAN YOU SAY THE WORD AGAIN.

>> JUCOKY.

J-E-W-K-K-A-K-E.

>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

>> CONGRATULATIONS, CHRIS, YOU

HAVE WON THE TROMBONE.

>> Tosh: BY THE WAY FOR THOSE

PAYING ATTENTION IT WAS A

HAMSTER NOT A GERBIL BECAUSE

THEY'RE ILLLEGAL IN THE STATE OF

CALIFORNIA?

ANY GUESSES WHY?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

KIDS ARE [BLEEP]ING DISGUSTING.

>> BOOGERS.

I HAVE BOOGERS.

>> THE GRUESOME ATTACK IN MIAMI

COULD BE PART OF AN ON

>> A WITNESS DESCRIBED IT AS A

GORY SCENE FROM A ZOMBIE MOVIE.

>> HE WAS GROWLING LIKE AN

ANIMAL.

>> HE WAS TEARING IT.

>> HE ATE PART OF THE VICTEM'S

HEART AND BRAIN.

>> THEY DON'T KNOW OF ANYTHING

THAT WOULD PRESENT ZOMBIE LIKE

SYSTEMS.

>> Tosh: IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE

A DUDE MADE A MEAL OUT OF A

HOMELESS MAN'S FACE AND ONE MAN

DRESSED LIKE A ZOMBIE AND CHASED

BLACK PEOPLE THROUGH THE WORSE

NEIGHBORHOODS IN MIAMI.

[ GROWLING ]

[LAUGHTER]

[ GROWLING ]

>> Tosh: THAT GUY THAT CREATE

THAT PRANK IS ANY NEW HERO AND I

HAD TO MEET HIM.

PLEASE WELCOME, VITALI.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME MAN.

>>

>> Tosh: FIRST THING'S FIRST

YOU'RE NOT A REAL ZOMBIE,

CORRECT?

>> JUST A CRAZY RUSSIAN WAY

CAMERA.

>> Tosh: ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB THEY

WORRY ABOUT ZOMBIES NOW?

>> I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF

THE STORY BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ON

FACEBOOK AND TWITTERED THE

ZOMBIES ARE COMING I THOUGHT

IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT AND MAKE

A VIDEO AND HAD A FEELING

IT WOULD GO VIRAL.

>> Tosh: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE

THE NEIGHBORHOODS WERE IN?

>> COMPLETELY GHETTO.

>> Tosh: SO YOUR IDEA WAS TO

FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON BLACK

PEOPLE?

>> NO, THE FIRST REACTION WAS

FROM A BLACK PERSON AND HE RAN

FOR HIS LIFE SO I THOUGHT IT

WOULD BE A GREAT VIDEO SO I WENT

AFTER WHITE REACTION AND THEY

DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY REACTION.

>> Tosh: SO WHITE PEOPLE ARE

FEARLESS.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT GETTING

KILLED WHEN THE MAN PULLED A GUN

ON YOU.

>> I DIDN'T SEE IT UNTIL I

ZOOMED IN AND SAW IT WAS A GUN.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE BIG

GROUP AT THE END, DID THEY KICK

YOUR [BLEEP].

>> THEY STOPPED AND WERE ALL

LAUGHING ABOUT IT AT THE END.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHAT THEY

DID AFTER.

IT'S INAPPROPRIATE FOR TV.

>> Tosh: COME ON.

MY WHOLE SHOW IS INAPPROPRIATE

FOR TV.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE NEXT PRANK

YOUR PLANNING ON BLACK PEOPLE?

>> I'M GETTING IDEAS IN MY HEAD.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOTE

RACIST?

>> NO WAY, MAN.

I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE.

I LOVE BLACK GIRLS.

>> Tosh: YOU AND ME BOTH.

THAT'S THE BRAVEST THING I'VE

SEEN SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

THE THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES

FROM CONNELLY.

>> I'M GOING CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOU

SCREAM.

>> I HATE YOU.

>> I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY TO

ME.

>> TONIGHT, NO CONDOMS.

>> GOOD NIGHT MR. AND MRS.

JOHNSON.

>> Tosh: WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE

MEET THE CREEPS.

>> Tosh: HEY, I JUST MET YOU AND

THIS IS CRAZY, BUT HERE'S MY

NUMBER, SO CALL ME MAYBE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NEXT WEEK THIS LADY'S

MAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

>> IF I SEE A GIRL WITH BLUE

EYES I MIGHT SAY, WOW, YOUR EYES

ARE LIKE BLUEBERRIES.

CAN YOU I --

>> Tosh: HAD YOU ME ON EATING MY

EYEBALLS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR LOG AT

TOSH.COMEDY CENTRAL.

SEE ME LIVE THIS SUMMER AND

WE'RE SHORT OF MY ANIMATED

SERIES.

THE CHARACTER IS VOICED BY A

PERSON FROM GEORGIA NAMED ROGER

BLACK.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HER?

PL

THEN PLAY IT.

>> I WANT TO WEAR IT LIKE A FAKE

BEARD.

>> Tosh: IF IT'S A BIG FLOP

BLAME HIM NOT ME.

BEFORE WE GO I THINK YOU CAN ALL

AGREE THIS IS PRETTY FRIGGIN'

AWESOME.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> Tosh: I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT

BUT I'M STUCK INSIDE ALL DAY

EVERY DAY POLISHING THIS TURD OF

A SHOW.

>> HEY, GUYS.

[***]

>> Tosh: I SEE WHY THEY DID THIS

OUTSIDE.

I HOPE THERE WERE CASUALTIES.

BACK TO WORK.

NO DOGS WERE HURT IN THE

SHOOTING OF THAT VIDEO BUT WE

LOST ONE MAC BOOK PRO.

COME ON, APPLE I WANT TO SEE THE

NEW RETINA DISPLAY.

SEND THEM OUR WAY.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> YOU'RE NOT 6'4" YOU EGO

>> DOES THIS HELP YOU WITH THE

LADIES?

>> COURSE.

YOU HAVE TO PULL OUT THAT WHAT