Original subtitles

[crowd ohs]

[crowd ohs]

[hip-hop music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- WAY TO DO YOUR JOB, GUARD RAIL.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

TRY NOT TO BE INTIMIDATED

BY TONIGHT'S SICK KICKS FOR THE LADIES.

THESE HOT PINK SUPRAS ARE FABULOUS

AND ONLY AVAILABLE AT SELECT BOUTIQUES.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE PEPPER SPRAY THIS MANIAC

IN THE FACE,

I SHOW OFF MY NEW POWERFUL FIREARM,

AND I TEACH YOU A MORE COMPLETE WAY

TO TEXT YOUR EMOTIONS.

OKAY, "BREAKER, BREAKER,

"ANY GOOD BUDDIES IN THIS PICKLE PARK?

"DROP THE HAMMER AND TAKE ME BACK TO THE 10-33, DRAGONFLY,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TOES-UP IN THIS WIGGLE WAGON."

[crowd ohs]

MUST NOT HAVE HAD THEIR CHAINS ON.

I HOPE THAT TOW TRUCK HAS TRIPLE-A.

OKAY, NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TRANSFORM INTO OPTIMUS PRIME.

OH,"ICE OFF-ROAD TRUCKERS" LOOKS WAY MORE DEADLY.

EQUALLY UNWATCHABLE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT THIS NEXT WOMAN SHOPLIFTING ANYTHING.

[whistling]

[crowd groans]

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A PERFECT TEN ON AISLE THREE.

NOW IT'S THE BEAUTY AISLE.

THESE DOVE COMMERCIALS KEEP GETTING SEXIER AND SEXIER.

SHE MUST'VE MEMORIZED HER REWARDS CARD NUMBER.

THERE'S FREE SAMPLES IN AISLE SIX.

IT'S NORMALLY BIGGER,

I CAME FROM THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION.

I HOPE THOSE TASTEFUL JOKES MET THE APPROVAL

OF OUR FRIENDS OVER AT JEZEBEL.COM,

WHO WERE EXTREMELY OFFENDED

BY MY RECENT COMMENTS ABOUT WOMEN.

NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL GO BACK TO MAKING FUN

OF 9/11, AMPUTEES, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, AIDS, CANCER, AUTISM,

THE HOLOCAUST, SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, AND OTHER THINGS

THAT ARE WAY LESS SERIOUS THAN A WOMAN'S BODY IMAGE.

NOW GET YOUR NUTS OFF THIS NEXT GUY'S FACE.

HIS KNEE JUST EXPLODED.

[crowd ohs]

HA HA, NOW YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL IN A SINGLET.

DON'T WORRY, BLACK GUYS WERE BORN

WITH A THIRD LEG ANYWAY.

THAT'S JUST GONNA HELP HIS DANCE MOVES

LOOK THAT MUCH COOLER.

AND NOW, THE ALMIGHTY WEREWOLF HOCKEY WIZARD

DEMANDS A MAYONNAISE SACRIFICE.

HIS BACK HAIR REALLY DISTRACTS YOU

FROM THOSE NAKED CHILD MANNEQUINS.

- [mumbling]

- THERE'S YOUR BASE, ROMNEY. GO PANDER TO HIM.

IF GAME OF THRONES HAD MORE OF THIS,

MAYBE I WOULDN'T INSTANTLY HATE EVERYONE WHO ENJOYS IT.

STEPPING IN BETWEEN TWO SCREAMING BLACK PEOPLE

IS JUST ABOUT THE BRAVEST THING A WHITE CAN EVER DO.

- [bleep], [bleep] YOU! YOU DICK.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

[overlapping arguing]

- DON'T TALK TO ME.

GO AHEAD.

- ON YOUR MERRY WAY. - STOP TALKING.

DON'T [bleep] FOLLOW ME, YOU STUPID DICK.

- NO, NO, NO, YOU--

[overlapping arguing]

- THAT STOPPED THE FIGHT BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS

TO GET NEAR THE FREAK WHO EATS HIS POTATO CHIPS

OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE BAG.

BESIDES, SOUR CREAM AND ONION BREATH

WILL KEEP EVERYONE AWAY.

YOU KNOW THE BEST SNACK FOOD FOR DIFFUSING AN ARGUMENT?

BUGLES.

- I DIDN'T GET YOUR EMAIL.

- WELL, I SENT IT, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES AGO.

- WELL, I STILL DIDN'T GET IT.

- JOHN, WE'VE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER

FOR THREE [bleep]-- - YAH!

- AAH!

- YAH!

[breathing heavily]

I WISH THEIR BLOOD WAS MADE OF SPINACH DIP.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[crowd ohs]

DOES SKYDIVING HAVE EARLY BIRD SPECIALS?

NOW LET'S TAKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM RESPECTING OUR ELDERS

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'S A GRANNY OR A [bleep].

80 SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT AGE TO TAKE UP SKYDIVING

BECAUSE THERE'S NOT MUCH LIFE LEFT IN YOU TO RISK.

IT'S ALSO A GREAT TIME TO TRY HEROIN.

SHE'S GETTING COLD FEET, BUT THAT MIGHT JUST BE

BECAUSE OF HER POOR CIRCULATION.

THEY SAY THE MIND IS THE FIRST TO GO.

THEN FASHION SENSE MUST BE A CLOSE SECOND.

[chuckling]

IF SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO WEAR TEAL AND PURPLE,

SHE SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING.

SHE'S NEVER FELT SO BARELY ALIVE.

THE LAST TIME SHE HAD A MAN STRAPPED TO HER BACK

WAS DURING PROHIBITION.

HEY, JOHNNY UTAH, THAT HARNESS SEEMS TO BE AWFULLY LOOSE.

SHE'S JUST LIKE A BIRD RIGHT NOW.

MAINLY BECAUSE SHE'S [bleep] EVERYWHERE.

I'M SHOCKED THERE AREN'T THOUSANDS

OF TISSUES AND PENNIES FLYING OUT OF HER POCKETS.

FOR HER WHOLE LIFE TO FLASH BEFORE HER EYES,

SHE'D HAVE TO FALL FROM THE MOON.

LOOK AT THAT WINGSUIT FLAP IN THE BREEZE.

WAIT, THAT'S HER SKIN.

STRETCH THAT [bleep] OUT

AND GLIDE YOURSELF TO SAFETY, YOU OLD BAT.

KUDOS TO THAT BRA

FOR BEING MORE RELIABLE THAN HER HARNESS.

THE LAST THING ANYBODY NEEDS IS FOR THAT SALTY BROAD

TO UNLEASH HER ANCIENT UDDERS.

OKAY, THE INSTRUCTOR HAS A TOUGH DECISION TO MAKE HERE:

RIP THE CORD AND SAVE HIMSELF

OR TOUCH MEE-MAW'S BACK.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WOULD HAVE DONE.

HEAVENS TO BETSY, SHE'S STILL ALIVE.

LOOKS LIKE HER GRANDKIDS WILL HAVE TO WAIT

TO GET THEIR INHERITANCE,

AT LEAST FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION,

BUT FIRST...

SHE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH A LIGHT BEER.

- [giggling] - I'M GONNA SHOOT IT

AND RECORD YOU UNTIL YOU DROP,

'CAUSE IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.

- I'M NOT GONNA DROP.

GO.

[crowds ohs]

- WE'RE GONNA DEMONSTRATE FOR YOU GUYS TODAY

HOW HIS NEUTRALIZER CAN WORK TO NEGATE THE EFFECTS

OF--OF, UH, PEPPER SPRAY.

OKAY, GET IT ALL OVER YOU, AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

GET IT ALL OVER YOU. NOW SPRAY YOUR FACE.

GET IT IN YOUR EYES. OPEN YOUR EYES, FORCE THEM OPEN.

SPRAY IT ON YOUR HANDS, EVERYTHING.

- [moaning]

- WHAT ARE YOU FEELING, BADFINGER?

TALK TO ME.

- REALLY BAD. [moaning]

MORE, HURRY UP.

- BUT IT'S STILL HAVING AN EFFECT ON HIM, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE.

- OPEN YOUR EYES. - [sniffling]

GIVE ME SOME WATER.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS.

- SO WHAT DO-- WHAT DO REGULAR PEOPLE

WITHOUT A NEUTRALIZER DO? THEY JUST SUFFER THROUGH IT.

- SOME OF THEM CAN DIE.

- [moaning]

AAH! AAH!

- ARE YOU GOOD? - NO!

LET ME DRINK SOME OF THAT [bleep].

- IT'S BEEN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

WE THINK HE MAY HAVE HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION

TO THE-- TO THE PEPPER SPRAY.

- WITHOUT IT, HE COULD'VE DIED.

- HE MUST'VE MADE A BAD BATCH OF NEUTRALIZER.

THAT HUMAN GUINEA PIG IS BADFINGER,

AND HE WAS TESTING OUT A PEPPER SPRAY NEUTRALIZER

THAT WORKS ABOUT AS WELL

AS RUSSELL BRAND HOSTING ANYTHING.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO NEUTRALIZE HOT PEPPER,

AND THAT'S WITH EITHER RANCH OR BLUE CHEESE

AND TONS OF CELERY.

GETTING PEPPER SPRAYED IS LIKE RECEIVING A MONEY SHOT

FROM SATAN.

THE ONLY THING THAT'LL BURN YOUR EYES WORSE

IS WATCHING THAT CHICK GET NAKED ON GIRLS.

[crowd groans]

I KNOW SHE'S THERE. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HER.

PEPPER SPRAY IS A WOMAN'S GO-TO WEAPON OF CHOICE,

AND IT EVEN COMES IN DIFFERENT STRENGTHS

IN CASE YOU'RE ONLY SEMI-SERIOUS ABOUT NOT GETTING RAPED.

IF YOU WERE TRULY NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR SAFETY,

YOU'D CARRY A GUN, NOT A SPICE.

BULLETS TRAVEL A LOT FASTER THAN MIST.

WHAT PREDATOR IS GONNA WAIT WHILE YOU RUMMAGE

THROUGH YOUR PURSE TO FIND A TUBE OF TABASCO SAUCE?

YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND YOUR PHONE IN THERE

WHEN IT'S RINGING AND VIBRATING.

NOTHING'S MORE EMBARRASSING THAN BEING THE GIRL

WHO ALWAYS HAS PEPPER SPRAY BUT NEVER HAS TO USE IT.

YOU MAY AS WELL LEAVE YOUR WEAPONS AT HOME

BECAUSE THE CAT DANDER ON YOUR SWEATER

DOES THE TRICK JUST FINE.

BUT IF BADFINGER WANTS TO BE THE FIRST MAN

TO BEAT PEPPER SPRAY,

I'M HAPPY TO SQUIRT ANOTHER HOT LOAD IN HIS FACE.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE IT'S OKAY FOR DUDES TO CRY,

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

IS BADFINGER YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME?

- NO, RICHARD IS MY CHRISTIAN NAME.

- YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER? - I'M A TRUCK DRIVER.

- WHAT'S MORE PAINFUL: GONORRHEA OR PEPPER SPRAY?

- I'VE NEVER HAD GONORRHEA. I'D SAY PEPPER SPRAY.

- EH, I'M GONNA SAY COIN FLIP.

- [laughing]

- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED DURING THAT VIDEO.

- I MET THIS GUY NAMED DR. TOM--

- LET'S STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - OKAY.

- DO YOU REALLY THINK HE WAS A DOCTOR?

- I KIND OF HAD MY DOUBTS IN A WAY, BUT, UH--

NO, BUT, WELL, HE CAME UP WITH A FORMULA.

I SEEN IT ON A VIDEO.

HE GRABS THIS PASTE, PUTS IT ON HIS HAND,

AND HE PUTS A TORCH TO IT FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

AND THEN HE COME UP--

HE WAS COMING UP WITH ANOTHER FORMULA

TO COUNTERATTACK PEPPER SPRAY,

SO I VOLUNTEERED.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO

TAKE AWAY THE PAIN RIGHT AWAY.

- WAS HIS LAB, BY CHANCE, THAT BUS THAT WAS PARKED--

- NO, IT WAS ACTUALLY, UM-- IT'S THE--IT'S THE GARAGE.

- OKAY. - [laughing]

SO HE TOOK THAT SPRAY BOTTLE.

I'D SAY ABOUT TWO SECONDS IN IT, IT'S NOT WORKING, MAN.

BUT I CAN TAKE THE PAIN. IT WAS THE--IT WAS THE--

IT WAS GETTING INTO MY--MY MOUTH.

- SURE. - AND IT WAS CHOKING ME.

AAH!

- ARE YOU GOOD? - NO!

- WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE WHEN IT WAS SPRAYED ON YOUR FACE?

- LIKE A THOUSAND NEEDLES, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY--

- [laughing]

- I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER.

I COULDN'T BREATHE, AND THAT'S WHY I PANICKED, OKAY?

I COULD'VE--THE PAIN? - YOU CAN HANDLE PAIN.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE ME CRY, YOU GOT TO--

- DID YOU-- YOU WERE CRYING.

- NO, I WAS MORE FRUSTRATED.

- OH, YOU WERE FRUSTRATED.

- BUT I WASN'T CRYING IN TEARS, NO.

- IT LOOKED--LOOKED LIKE THERE MIGHT'VE BEEN SOME TEARS.

- TEARS OF PAIN, BUT NOT TEARS OF, UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE--

- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS-- I DIDN'T THINK

IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL CRY. - NO.

[moaning]

- YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO DRINK THE STUFF.

- LET ME DRINK SOME OF THAT [bleep].

SEEMED LIKE EVERY TIME YOU DRANK THE DAMN THING,

UH, SOMETHING, UH--

I MEAN, IT WAS MAKING IT WORSE OR SOMETHING.

- WELL, YEAH, I--I'M PRETTY POSITIVE

YOU WERE DRINKING... - [laughing]

- A CRAZY MAN'S POISON.

IS THAT THE SAME SHIRT YOU WORE? - SOMETHING LIKE IT.

- OKAY, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE,

'CAUSE THAT ONE TOOK A-- THAT SHIRT TOOK A BEATING.

- OH, IT SURE DID. - YOU WERE SNOTTING UP A STORM.

- OH, MAN!

- NOW I'M CURIOUS,

WHY DIDN'T THE DOCTOR, UH, TEST IT ON HIMSELF?

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID. BUT HE DIDN'T--HE DIDN'T--

HE DIDN'T GO TO THE EXTREME LIKE I DID.

I SEEN THE GUY SPRAY HIS FACE WITH VINEGAR.

WOWEE, YOU KNOW?

- HE PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH.

- SO I GOT-- I GOT DUPED.

- WHAT IS PIPERINE?

- IF YOU WANT TO GET THE WEAK STUFF,

GO TO WALMART, OKAY? DON'T GO TO A GUN SHOP.

- OH. - THAT'S WHAT I DID.

- YOU BOUGHT-- - I BOUGHT IT MYSELF.

- YOU HAD TO PAY OUT OF POCKET TO GET MACED?

- RIGHT. - DO YOU FEEL BAD

THAT ALL YOU REALLY DID WAS PROVE HOW GREAT

PEPPER SPRAY REALLY IS?

- OH, NO, NOT REALLY.

LIKE I SAID, IT'S THE TOOL,

IT'S NOT THE PERSON. - RIGHT.

- ANYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO BUY PEPPER SPRAY.

- CAN ANYBODY BUY PEPPER SPRAY?

- YES, THEY CAN, BUT THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH TRAINING THOUGH.

SOME--YOU KNOW, SOME PLACES.

LIKE IN INDIANA, THEY, UH-- THEY MAKE YOU, UH--

THEY SPRAY IT IN YOUR FACE BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN CARRY IT.

- WHAT A STUPID STATE. - YEAH.

- HAS THE LADY BUSINESS PICKED UP

SINCE THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL?

- NO, NO, NOBODY'S EVER HAD--

NOBODY'S EVER, YOU KNOW, WROTE BACK AND SAID ANYTHING,

BUT, HEY, I'M ALWAYS THERE.

- YOU GET DISCOUNTS WITH THE LOT LIZARDS?

- NOT INTERESTED. NOT INTERESTED.

- WITHOUT IT, HE COULD'VE DIED.

- IF NOT FOR THE NEUTRALIZER,

DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE DIED THAT DAY?

- NO, NOT A CHANCE.

- ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER, YOU ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE PUSSY

LAST TIME YOU WERE PEPPER SPRAYED.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YES, I AM. - OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SPRAYED

WITH PEPPER SPRAY SINCE THAT VIDEO.

- NO, I HAVEN'T. - DID YOU BRING THE NEUTRALIZER?

- YES, I HAVE. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

- OOH, "NEW AND IMPROVED."

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT, BECAUSE WE'VE SET UP

THREE DIFFERENT SCENARIOS

WHERE YOU WILL BE GETTING PEPPER SPRAYED

A LOT.

WE GOT THE GOOD STUFF FROM THE GUN STORE.

- WELL, BRING IT ON. - OKAY.

WELL, FIRST UP, WE'RE GONNA HAVE YOU ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE.

- GIVE ME EVERYTHING IN THE REGISTER,

YOU HELLO KITTY-WEARING WONTON.

[coughing]

- DON'T WORRY, I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER.

I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER.

- YEAH! - YOU'RE--NO...

- [coughing] - I GOT YOU.

- OOF. - I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER.

GO BACK-- - HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

AH, [bleep].

OKAY. - OKAY, THERE, THERE, POINT.

- GIVE ME EVERYTHING IN THE REGISTER...

- YOU NUMBER 67-- - YOU NUMBER 67 WITH--

WITH--WITH WAD CRIES. - WITH PAD THAI.

- WITH PAD THAI! - GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

- GIVE ME THE [bleep] MONEY, YOU [bleep]!

- [laughing] - THANK YOU.

- LET ME--I'LL TAKE THE GUN. I'LL TAKE THE GUN.

- DAMN IT. - YOU'RE FINE.

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE A BEAR.

- ROAR! - OH, MY GOD, IT'S A BEAR!

AAH! - [moaning]

- BADFINGER, I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER!

- OKAY, OKAY, SPRAY ME!

- I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER, YOU'RE FINE.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD DIE WITHOUT THE NEUTRALIZER.

- YEAH. - THE FOOD.

- WHERE THE [bleep] IS IT?

- EAT THE SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, YOUR LAST TEST IS A GIRL

ALONE IN THE PARK, ODDLY, DOING YOGA.

GO GET HER. - HEY.

YOU SURE DO BEND PRETTY, BABY.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

NAMASTE, BITCH.

- [bleep]! - HOLD ON, I GOT--

I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER, I GOT-- - [moaning]

[whimpering] - YOU'RE FINE.

ENJOY HER. - OH, RIGHT!

WHERE ARE YOU, BABY?

- CONGRATULATIONS, BADFINGER. THANKS TO THE PEPPER SPRAY AWAY,

NOW WITH SPF 15, YOU WERE ABLE TO ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE,

SCARE A FAMILY TO DEATH, AND SEXUALLY ASSAULT A WOMAN.

SO IF YOU'RE A CRIMINAL, HEAD ON DOWN TO THE STORE

AND PICK UP A BOTTLE TODAY.

HOW YOU DOING BACK THERE, SNOTS?

- I'M DOING GREAT, ACTUALLY.

AS LONG AS THE WIND IS BLOWING ON ME, I'M FINE.

- GOOD LORD, PEPPER SPRAY REALLY CLEARS OUT THE SINUSES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

ENJOY THE FREE PLUG, COCA-COLA.

- PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK."

PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK." I WANT A "COCK."

PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK." "COCK"-COLA.

AND ASK THEM THE PRICE OF "COCK."

[suspenseful music]

*

- I HATE THE IDEA OF OWNING A GUN,

BUT LOVE THE IDEA OF OWNING A CANNON.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THEY TEND TO DOMINATE THE ROOM,

SO WHEN I SAW THAT MUCH TINIER VERSION,

I HIRED AN ARMS DEALER TO SMUGGLE ONE IN FROM ISRAEL.

NOW I CAN FINALLY ACHIEVE MY DREAM

OF RECREATING THIS FAMOUS VIDEO.

*

[crowd oohs]

OW!

WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY FELLAS WOULD LIKE TO DIG THE BB

OUT OF MY ASS?

AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM JOSH FADEM AND WENDY MCCOLM.

[sexy music]

- OW! - SORRY.

ONE SECOND.

[grunting]

[laughing]

OOH...

AAH!

SHUT THE [bleep] UP!

[struggling]

- WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- ARGH!

- JACK, OH...

JACK! [screams]

- HERE'S A THOUGHT: UNZIP YOUR FLY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY.

[cheers and applause]

[applause]

- WELCOME BACK, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY

TO ALL THE DADS OUT THERE THAT BEING SINGLE WITH NO KIDS

IS THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY TO CELEBRATE FATHER'S DAY.

ENJOY YOUR UGLY NECKTIE.

NEXT WEEK, THIS SPELLING BEE CONTESTANT

GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

- HERON.

- WILL YOU PLEASE REPEAT THE WORD?

- HERON. - WHAT'S THE WORD AGAIN?

- HERON. - HARANGUE?

- HERON. - HAIR-WINK?

- HE-RON. - HA-RROW?

- HE-RON. - HAIRLINE?

- WHAT THE [bleep]?

JUST SPELL "HAIR-WINK" AND GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS, KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG

AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM, AND CHECK OUT OUR STORE,

WHERE YOU CAN FINALLY BUY TOSH.0 ON BLU-RAY.

ABOUT TIME, BECAUSE COMEDY CENTRAL REFUSES

TO EVER RERUN THIS SHOW.

AND SINCE ORGANIZING YOUR BOX SET BY SEASON

IS SO LAST SEASON,

WE'RE DOING OURS BY WARDROBE, STARTING WITH HOODIES.

THOSE THINGS ARE DANGEROUS.

THEY'RE ALSO THE FIRST TEN EPISODES WE EVER DID,

AND, MAN, THOSE SHOWS WERE BAD.

WE HADN'T QUITE WORKED OUT THE KINKS YET.

ALSO, PLEASE IGNORE THE FACT THAT I MAY APPEAR

TO BE BALDER BACK THEN.

THEY WERE SHOT BEFORE I COULD AFFORD PROPECIA

AND ALL MY BLACK MARKET HAIR PRODUCTS.

ARE YOU SICK OF HEARING ABOUT

MY NEW ANIMATED SHOW, BRICKLEBERRY?

IT'S PREMIERING ON COMEDY CENTRAL

SEPTEMBER 25TH.

WE HAVE ONE BLACK CHARACTER NAMED DENZEL

WHO IS PLAYED BY ONE VERY FUNNY BLACK ACTOR, JERRY MINOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HIM?

all: SURE.

- COCK-BLOCKED BY A 90-YEAR-OLD. AIN'T THAT SOME [bleep]?

- OH, DENZEL, WHAT WILL YOU SAY NEXT?

AND FINALLY, IT SEEMS LIKE WE'VE BEEN USING

THE SAME EMOTICONS FOR, LIKE, A DECADE.

MY EMOTIONS ARE MORE COMPLEX THAN A FROWNY FACE

OR A WINKY FACE.

SO I'VE CREATED SOME BRAND NEW EMOTICONS

TO SAVE TIME AND LIVES.

"I'M COMING OVER TO [bleep] YOUR VAGINA."

SIMPLE.

WINKY FACE, TONGUE OUT, THE "V."

GOT TO KEEP ONE EYE OPEN, ALWAYS.

"DON'T TELL ME WHO WON THE GAME.

I'M DVR-ING IT AND GONNA WATCH IT LATER."

YEAH, YOU GOT THE X OVER THE MOUTH

AND THEN AN OLD VHS TAPE.

EVERY TIME I GET THIS TEXT, I GET EXCITED.

THIS MEANS, "HURRY UP AND GET OVER HERE.

THIS PARTY IS FULL OF ASIANS."

"IF YOU NEED ME, I WILL BE IN MCDONALD'S DOING A B.M."

SEE, THE 3 IS AN ASS,

AND THEN THE SQUIGGLY IS DIARRHEA.

AND WHY WE DIDN'T JUST USE THE [bleep] LETTER "M," I'LL...

IF YOU'RE EVER IN PRISON AND YOU HAPPEN

TO SNEAK A PHONE IN,

YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO USE THIS ONE.

IT'S "I'M GOING TO SHANK YOU IN THE YARD

TO EARN THE RESPECT OF THE CHOLOS."

YOU GOT A KNIFE. KNIFE EQUALS...

AND THEN YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMBRERO HAT

WITH EYES AND THE MOUSTACHE.

THAT EQUALS A HAPPY CHOLO.

I'VE HAD TO TEXT MY ASSISTANT THIS ONE A TIME OR TWO.

"I FORGOT TO PUT MY HALF-EATEN VEGGIE BURGER AWAY,

NOW THERE ARE ANTS."

"AAH, CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, THE GHOST OWL IS BACK!"

DO YOUR PART TO MAKE THESE CATCH ON.

GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT. GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT.

- NICE SHOES, ASSHOLE!

- GET OUT OF HERE AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU HIPPIE.

BEAT IT, YOU GODDAMN OCCUPIERS.

- AAH! - OH!

- HEY, IT'S JUST ME, MAN, BADFINGER.

- WHAT'S UP, BADFINGER?

I LIKE TO CLEAR OUT THE PARK OF RIFF-RAFF

IN MY OFF TIME.

[shotgun cocks]

YOU'VE JUST BEEN KIM JONG KILLED.