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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:30,261 [crowd ohs] 2 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:42,581 [crowd ohs] 3 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,580 [hip-hop music] 4 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,623 * 5 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:54,619 [cheers and applause] 6 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,225 - WAY TO DO YOUR JOB, GUARD RAIL. 7 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,328 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 8 00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,529 TRY NOT TO BE INTIMIDATED 9 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,230 BY TONIGHT'S SICK KICKS FOR THE LADIES. 10 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,873 THESE HOT PINK SUPRAS ARE FABULOUS 11 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,798 AND ONLY AVAILABLE AT SELECT BOUTIQUES. 12 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,165 WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 13 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,444 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE PEPPER SPRAY THIS MANIAC 14 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:13,743 IN THE FACE, 15 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,614 I SHOW OFF MY NEW POWERFUL FIREARM, 16 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,614 AND I TEACH YOU A MORE COMPLETE WAY 17 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,646 TO TEXT YOUR EMOTIONS. 18 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,751 OKAY, "BREAKER, BREAKER, 19 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,193 "ANY GOOD BUDDIES IN THIS PICKLE PARK? 20 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,048 "DROP THE HAMMER AND TAKE ME BACK TO THE 10-33, DRAGONFLY, 21 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,485 BECAUSE I'M GOING TOES-UP IN THIS WIGGLE WAGON." 22 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,500 [crowd ohs] 23 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:37,828 MUST NOT HAVE HAD THEIR CHAINS ON. 24 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,725 I HOPE THAT TOW TRUCK HAS TRIPLE-A. 25 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:45,307 OKAY, NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TRANSFORM INTO OPTIMUS PRIME. 26 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:50,609 OH,"ICE OFF-ROAD TRUCKERS" LOOKS WAY MORE DEADLY. 27 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,784 EQUALLY UNWATCHABLE. 28 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,053 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY 29 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,021 ABOUT THIS NEXT WOMAN SHOPLIFTING ANYTHING. 30 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,646 [whistling] 31 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,458 [crowd groans] 32 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:07,231 LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A PERFECT TEN ON AISLE THREE. 33 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,967 NOW IT'S THE BEAUTY AISLE. 34 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:16,969 THESE DOVE COMMERCIALS KEEP GETTING SEXIER AND SEXIER. 35 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:20,614 SHE MUST'VE MEMORIZED HER REWARDS CARD NUMBER. 36 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,481 THERE'S FREE SAMPLES IN AISLE SIX. 37 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:24,651 IT'S NORMALLY BIGGER, 38 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,448 I CAME FROM THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION. 39 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,781 I HOPE THOSE TASTEFUL JOKES MET THE APPROVAL 40 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,918 OF OUR FRIENDS OVER AT JEZEBEL.COM, 41 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,053 WHO WERE EXTREMELY OFFENDED 42 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,217 BY MY RECENT COMMENTS ABOUT WOMEN. 43 00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,334 NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL GO BACK TO MAKING FUN 44 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:42,729 OF 9/11, AMPUTEES, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, AIDS, CANCER, AUTISM, 45 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,773 THE HOLOCAUST, SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, AND OTHER THINGS 46 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:51,139 THAT ARE WAY LESS SERIOUS THAN A WOMAN'S BODY IMAGE. 47 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,269 NOW GET YOUR NUTS OFF THIS NEXT GUY'S FACE. 48 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:55,307 HIS KNEE JUST EXPLODED. 49 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:07,893 [crowd ohs] 50 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:12,131 HA HA, NOW YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL IN A SINGLET. 51 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,429 DON'T WORRY, BLACK GUYS WERE BORN 52 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,532 WITH A THIRD LEG ANYWAY. 53 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,125 THAT'S JUST GONNA HELP HIS DANCE MOVES 54 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:22,266 LOOK THAT MUCH COOLER. 55 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,710 AND NOW, THE ALMIGHTY WEREWOLF HOCKEY WIZARD 56 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,108 DEMANDS A MAYONNAISE SACRIFICE. 57 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,550 HIS BACK HAIR REALLY DISTRACTS YOU 58 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,649 FROM THOSE NAKED CHILD MANNEQUINS. 59 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:38,453 - [mumbling] 60 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:42,116 - THERE'S YOUR BASE, ROMNEY. GO PANDER TO HIM. 61 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,455 IF GAME OF THRONES HAD MORE OF THIS, 62 00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:46,661 MAYBE I WOULDN'T INSTANTLY HATE EVERYONE WHO ENJOYS IT. 63 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,764 STEPPING IN BETWEEN TWO SCREAMING BLACK PEOPLE 64 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,626 IS JUST ABOUT THE BRAVEST THING A WHITE CAN EVER DO. 65 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:56,095 - [bleep], [bleep] YOU! YOU DICK. 66 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,836 - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 67 00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,571 [overlapping arguing] 68 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,007 - DON'T TALK TO ME. 69 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,011 GO AHEAD. 70 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,782 - ON YOUR MERRY WAY. - STOP TALKING. 71 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,911 DON'T [bleep] FOLLOW ME, YOU STUPID DICK. 72 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,516 - NO, NO, NO, YOU-- 73 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,848 [overlapping arguing] 74 00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,454 - THAT STOPPED THE FIGHT BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS 75 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,517 TO GET NEAR THE FREAK WHO EATS HIS POTATO CHIPS 76 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,626 OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE BAG. 77 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,729 BESIDES, SOUR CREAM AND ONION BREATH 78 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,031 WILL KEEP EVERYONE AWAY. 79 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,633 YOU KNOW THE BEST SNACK FOOD FOR DIFFUSING AN ARGUMENT? 80 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,137 BUGLES. 81 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,438 - I DIDN'T GET YOUR EMAIL. 82 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,900 - WELL, I SENT IT, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES AGO. 83 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,208 - WELL, I STILL DIDN'T GET IT. 84 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,209 - JOHN, WE'VE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER 85 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,940 FOR THREE [bleep]-- - YAH! 86 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:36,936 - AAH! 87 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,977 - YAH! 88 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,619 [breathing heavily] 89 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,457 I WISH THEIR BLOOD WAS MADE OF SPINACH DIP. 90 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,491 WHAT'S NEXT? 91 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,452 [crowd ohs] 92 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:15,849 DOES SKYDIVING HAVE EARLY BIRD SPECIALS? 93 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,223 NOW LET'S TAKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM RESPECTING OUR ELDERS 94 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:19,391 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 95 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:21,987 [cheers and applause] 96 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:26,232 I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'S A GRANNY OR A [bleep]. 97 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:28,999 80 SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT AGE TO TAKE UP SKYDIVING 98 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,829 BECAUSE THERE'S NOT MUCH LIFE LEFT IN YOU TO RISK. 99 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,535 IT'S ALSO A GREAT TIME TO TRY HEROIN. 100 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,598 SHE'S GETTING COLD FEET, BUT THAT MIGHT JUST BE 101 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,237 BECAUSE OF HER POOR CIRCULATION. 102 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,141 THEY SAY THE MIND IS THE FIRST TO GO. 103 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,414 THEN FASHION SENSE MUST BE A CLOSE SECOND. 104 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:44,581 [chuckling] 105 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,482 IF SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO WEAR TEAL AND PURPLE, 106 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,424 SHE SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING. 107 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:52,416 SHE'S NEVER FELT SO BARELY ALIVE. 108 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,420 THE LAST TIME SHE HAD A MAN STRAPPED TO HER BACK 109 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:58,162 WAS DURING PROHIBITION. 110 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:03,101 HEY, JOHNNY UTAH, THAT HARNESS SEEMS TO BE AWFULLY LOOSE. 111 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,600 SHE'S JUST LIKE A BIRD RIGHT NOW. 112 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:09,903 MAINLY BECAUSE SHE'S [bleep] EVERYWHERE. 113 00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,297 I'M SHOCKED THERE AREN'T THOUSANDS 114 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,608 OF TISSUES AND PENNIES FLYING OUT OF HER POCKETS. 115 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,612 FOR HER WHOLE LIFE TO FLASH BEFORE HER EYES, 116 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:19,114 SHE'D HAVE TO FALL FROM THE MOON. 117 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:22,746 LOOK AT THAT WINGSUIT FLAP IN THE BREEZE. 118 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,653 WAIT, THAT'S HER SKIN. 119 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,016 STRETCH THAT [bleep] OUT 120 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,664 AND GLIDE YOURSELF TO SAFETY, YOU OLD BAT. 121 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:30,990 KUDOS TO THAT BRA 122 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,864 FOR BEING MORE RELIABLE THAN HER HARNESS. 123 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,264 THE LAST THING ANYBODY NEEDS IS FOR THAT SALTY BROAD 124 00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,796 TO UNLEASH HER ANCIENT UDDERS. 125 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,503 OKAY, THE INSTRUCTOR HAS A TOUGH DECISION TO MAKE HERE: 126 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,736 RIP THE CORD AND SAVE HIMSELF 127 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,772 OR TOUCH MEE-MAW'S BACK. 128 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,680 I THINK THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WOULD HAVE DONE. 129 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:56,282 HEAVENS TO BETSY, SHE'S STILL ALIVE. 130 00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,886 LOOKS LIKE HER GRANDKIDS WILL HAVE TO WAIT 131 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,648 TO GET THEIR INHERITANCE, 132 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,017 AT LEAST FOR ANOTHER WEEK. 133 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,164 AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU. 134 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,890 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION, 135 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,155 BUT FIRST... 136 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,603 SHE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH A LIGHT BEER. 137 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,199 - [giggling] - I'M GONNA SHOOT IT 138 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,500 AND RECORD YOU UNTIL YOU DROP, 139 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,599 'CAUSE IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME. 140 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,273 - I'M NOT GONNA DROP. 141 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:19,872 GO. 142 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,677 [crowds ohs] 143 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,517 - WE'RE GONNA DEMONSTRATE FOR YOU GUYS TODAY 144 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,919 HOW HIS NEUTRALIZER CAN WORK TO NEGATE THE EFFECTS 145 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,722 OF--OF, UH, PEPPER SPRAY. 146 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:37,534 OKAY, GET IT ALL OVER YOU, AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. 147 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,388 GET IT ALL OVER YOU. NOW SPRAY YOUR FACE. 148 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:42,757 GET IT IN YOUR EYES. OPEN YOUR EYES, FORCE THEM OPEN. 149 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,326 SPRAY IT ON YOUR HANDS, EVERYTHING. 150 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:47,334 - [moaning] 151 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,667 - WHAT ARE YOU FEELING, BADFINGER? 152 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,672 TALK TO ME. 153 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,543 - REALLY BAD. [moaning] 154 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,412 MORE, HURRY UP. 155 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,440 - BUT IT'S STILL HAVING AN EFFECT ON HIM, OF COURSE. 156 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:56,443 - OF COURSE. 157 00:07:56,544 --> 00:08:00,054 - OPEN YOUR EYES. - [sniffling] 158 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,220 GIVE ME SOME WATER. 159 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,819 I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS. 160 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,421 - SO WHAT DO-- WHAT DO REGULAR PEOPLE 161 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,762 WITHOUT A NEUTRALIZER DO? THEY JUST SUFFER THROUGH IT. 162 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:08,818 - SOME OF THEM CAN DIE. 163 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:12,056 - [moaning] 164 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:17,202 AAH! AAH! 165 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,370 - ARE YOU GOOD? - NO! 166 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:20,829 LET ME DRINK SOME OF THAT [bleep]. 167 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,968 - IT'S BEEN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES. 168 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,072 WE THINK HE MAY HAVE HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION 169 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,014 TO THE-- TO THE PEPPER SPRAY. 170 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,009 - WITHOUT IT, HE COULD'VE DIED. 171 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:32,711 - HE MUST'VE MADE A BAD BATCH OF NEUTRALIZER. 172 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,846 THAT HUMAN GUINEA PIG IS BADFINGER, 173 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,082 AND HE WAS TESTING OUT A PEPPER SPRAY NEUTRALIZER 174 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,147 THAT WORKS ABOUT AS WELL 175 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,915 AS RUSSELL BRAND HOSTING ANYTHING. 176 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,394 THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO NEUTRALIZE HOT PEPPER, 177 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,493 AND THAT'S WITH EITHER RANCH OR BLUE CHEESE 178 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:47,633 AND TONS OF CELERY. 179 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,831 GETTING PEPPER SPRAYED IS LIKE RECEIVING A MONEY SHOT 180 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,103 FROM SATAN. 181 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,701 THE ONLY THING THAT'LL BURN YOUR EYES WORSE 182 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,503 IS WATCHING THAT CHICK GET NAKED ON GIRLS. 183 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,902 [crowd groans] 184 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:59,736 I KNOW SHE'S THERE. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HER. 185 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,343 PEPPER SPRAY IS A WOMAN'S GO-TO WEAPON OF CHOICE, 186 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,735 AND IT EVEN COMES IN DIFFERENT STRENGTHS 187 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,647 IN CASE YOU'RE ONLY SEMI-SERIOUS ABOUT NOT GETTING RAPED. 188 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,620 IF YOU WERE TRULY NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR SAFETY, 189 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,719 YOU'D CARRY A GUN, NOT A SPICE. 190 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,921 BULLETS TRAVEL A LOT FASTER THAN MIST. 191 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,723 WHAT PREDATOR IS GONNA WAIT WHILE YOU RUMMAGE 192 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:17,255 THROUGH YOUR PURSE TO FIND A TUBE OF TABASCO SAUCE? 193 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,630 YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND YOUR PHONE IN THERE 194 00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,386 WHEN IT'S RINGING AND VIBRATING. 195 00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,097 NOTHING'S MORE EMBARRASSING THAN BEING THE GIRL 196 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:25,029 WHO ALWAYS HAS PEPPER SPRAY BUT NEVER HAS TO USE IT. 197 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,465 YOU MAY AS WELL LEAVE YOUR WEAPONS AT HOME 198 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:27,999 BECAUSE THE CAT DANDER ON YOUR SWEATER 199 00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,995 DOES THE TRICK JUST FINE. 200 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,637 BUT IF BADFINGER WANTS TO BE THE FIRST MAN 201 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,012 TO BEAT PEPPER SPRAY, 202 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,540 I'M HAPPY TO SQUIRT ANOTHER HOT LOAD IN HIS FACE. 203 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,943 THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD, 204 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,477 WHERE IT'S OKAY FOR DUDES TO CRY, 205 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:39,651 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 206 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,377 [cheers and applause] 207 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,985 IS BADFINGER YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME? 208 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,988 - NO, RICHARD IS MY CHRISTIAN NAME. 209 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,890 - YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER? - I'M A TRUCK DRIVER. 210 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:52,662 - WHAT'S MORE PAINFUL: GONORRHEA OR PEPPER SPRAY? 211 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,130 - I'VE NEVER HAD GONORRHEA. I'D SAY PEPPER SPRAY. 212 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,662 - EH, I'M GONNA SAY COIN FLIP. 213 00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,774 - [laughing] 214 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,299 - TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED DURING THAT VIDEO. 215 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,774 - I MET THIS GUY NAMED DR. TOM-- 216 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:04,944 - LET'S STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - OKAY. 217 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,412 - DO YOU REALLY THINK HE WAS A DOCTOR? 218 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,239 - I KIND OF HAD MY DOUBTS IN A WAY, BUT, UH-- 219 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,605 NO, BUT, WELL, HE CAME UP WITH A FORMULA. 220 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,384 I SEEN IT ON A VIDEO. 221 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,782 HE GRABS THIS PASTE, PUTS IT ON HIS HAND, 222 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,615 AND HE PUTS A TORCH TO IT FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. 223 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:18,621 AND THEN HE COME UP-- 224 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:19,622 HE WAS COMING UP WITH ANOTHER FORMULA 225 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,093 TO COUNTERATTACK PEPPER SPRAY, 226 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,091 SO I VOLUNTEERED. 227 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,192 I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO 228 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,793 TAKE AWAY THE PAIN RIGHT AWAY. 229 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,125 - WAS HIS LAB, BY CHANCE, THAT BUS THAT WAS PARKED-- 230 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,460 - NO, IT WAS ACTUALLY, UM-- IT'S THE--IT'S THE GARAGE. 231 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,456 - OKAY. - [laughing] 232 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:31,927 SO HE TOOK THAT SPRAY BOTTLE. 233 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,425 I'D SAY ABOUT TWO SECONDS IN IT, IT'S NOT WORKING, MAN. 234 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,497 BUT I CAN TAKE THE PAIN. IT WAS THE--IT WAS THE-- 235 00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,306 IT WAS GETTING INTO MY--MY MOUTH. 236 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,608 - SURE. - AND IT WAS CHOKING ME. 237 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,440 AAH! 238 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,576 - ARE YOU GOOD? - NO! 239 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,282 - WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE WHEN IT WAS SPRAYED ON YOUR FACE? 240 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,884 - LIKE A THOUSAND NEEDLES, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY-- 241 00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,616 - [laughing] 242 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,050 - I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER. 243 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,045 I COULDN'T BREATHE, AND THAT'S WHY I PANICKED, OKAY? 244 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,587 I COULD'VE--THE PAIN? - YOU CAN HANDLE PAIN. 245 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,093 - I MEAN, IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE ME CRY, YOU GOT TO-- 246 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,655 - DID YOU-- YOU WERE CRYING. 247 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:01,433 - NO, I WAS MORE FRUSTRATED. 248 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:02,931 - OH, YOU WERE FRUSTRATED. 249 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,263 - BUT I WASN'T CRYING IN TEARS, NO. 250 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,567 - IT LOOKED--LOOKED LIKE THERE MIGHT'VE BEEN SOME TEARS. 251 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:09,599 - TEARS OF PAIN, BUT NOT TEARS OF, UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE-- 252 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:10,596 - WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS-- I DIDN'T THINK 253 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,567 IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL CRY. - NO. 254 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:15,075 [moaning] 255 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,838 - YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO DRINK THE STUFF. 256 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,107 - LET ME DRINK SOME OF THAT [bleep]. 257 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,045 SEEMED LIKE EVERY TIME YOU DRANK THE DAMN THING, 258 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,950 UH, SOMETHING, UH-- 259 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,352 I MEAN, IT WAS MAKING IT WORSE OR SOMETHING. 260 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,493 - WELL, YEAH, I--I'M PRETTY POSITIVE 261 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,648 YOU WERE DRINKING... - [laughing] 262 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,924 - A CRAZY MAN'S POISON. 263 00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:31,156 IS THAT THE SAME SHIRT YOU WORE? - SOMETHING LIKE IT. 264 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,491 - OKAY, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE, 265 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,055 'CAUSE THAT ONE TOOK A-- THAT SHIRT TOOK A BEATING. 266 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,064 - OH, IT SURE DID. - YOU WERE SNOTTING UP A STORM. 267 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,056 - OH, MAN! 268 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,497 - NOW I'M CURIOUS, 269 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,831 WHY DIDN'T THE DOCTOR, UH, TEST IT ON HIMSELF? 270 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,668 - THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID. BUT HE DIDN'T--HE DIDN'T-- 271 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,100 HE DIDN'T GO TO THE EXTREME LIKE I DID. 272 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,767 I SEEN THE GUY SPRAY HIS FACE WITH VINEGAR. 273 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:47,944 WOWEE, YOU KNOW? 274 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,875 - HE PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH. 275 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,180 - SO I GOT-- I GOT DUPED. 276 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,311 - WHAT IS PIPERINE? 277 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,505 - IF YOU WANT TO GET THE WEAK STUFF, 278 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,776 GO TO WALMART, OKAY? DON'T GO TO A GUN SHOP. 279 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,323 - OH. - THAT'S WHAT I DID. 280 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,990 - YOU BOUGHT-- - I BOUGHT IT MYSELF. 281 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,889 - YOU HAD TO PAY OUT OF POCKET TO GET MACED? 282 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,491 - RIGHT. - DO YOU FEEL BAD 283 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,892 THAT ALL YOU REALLY DID WAS PROVE HOW GREAT 284 00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:05,885 PEPPER SPRAY REALLY IS? 285 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:07,186 - OH, NO, NOT REALLY. 286 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,457 LIKE I SAID, IT'S THE TOOL, 287 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:09,955 IT'S NOT THE PERSON. - RIGHT. 288 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:12,197 - ANYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO BUY PEPPER SPRAY. 289 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,672 - CAN ANYBODY BUY PEPPER SPRAY? 290 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,570 - YES, THEY CAN, BUT THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH TRAINING THOUGH. 291 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,402 SOME--YOU KNOW, SOME PLACES. 292 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,837 LIKE IN INDIANA, THEY, UH-- THEY MAKE YOU, UH-- 293 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,113 THEY SPRAY IT IN YOUR FACE BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN CARRY IT. 294 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,412 - WHAT A STUPID STATE. - YEAH. 295 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,154 - HAS THE LADY BUSINESS PICKED UP 296 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,179 SINCE THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL? 297 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,524 - NO, NO, NOBODY'S EVER HAD-- 298 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,989 NOBODY'S EVER, YOU KNOW, WROTE BACK AND SAID ANYTHING, 299 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,619 BUT, HEY, I'M ALWAYS THERE. 300 00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,063 - YOU GET DISCOUNTS WITH THE LOT LIZARDS? 301 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,818 - NOT INTERESTED. NOT INTERESTED. 302 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,827 - WITHOUT IT, HE COULD'VE DIED. 303 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,286 - IF NOT FOR THE NEUTRALIZER, 304 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,527 DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE DIED THAT DAY? 305 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:42,831 - NO, NOT A CHANCE. 306 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,830 - ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER, YOU ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE PUSSY 307 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,202 LAST TIME YOU WERE PEPPER SPRAYED. 308 00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:47,203 YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? 309 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:48,904 - YES, I AM. - OKAY. 310 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,836 ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SPRAYED 311 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,068 WITH PEPPER SPRAY SINCE THAT VIDEO. 312 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,165 - NO, I HAVEN'T. - DID YOU BRING THE NEUTRALIZER? 313 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,477 - YES, I HAVE. IT'S RIGHT HERE. 314 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,238 - OOH, "NEW AND IMPROVED." 315 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,847 YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT, BECAUSE WE'VE SET UP 316 00:12:58,846 --> 00:12:59,976 THREE DIFFERENT SCENARIOS 317 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,853 WHERE YOU WILL BE GETTING PEPPER SPRAYED 318 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,649 A LOT. 319 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,253 WE GOT THE GOOD STUFF FROM THE GUN STORE. 320 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,045 - WELL, BRING IT ON. - OKAY. 321 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,317 WELL, FIRST UP, WE'RE GONNA HAVE YOU ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE. 322 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,756 - GIVE ME EVERYTHING IN THE REGISTER, 323 00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:13,628 YOU HELLO KITTY-WEARING WONTON. 324 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,159 [coughing] 325 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,597 - DON'T WORRY, I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER. 326 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,871 I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER. 327 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,870 - YEAH! - YOU'RE--NO... 328 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,170 - [coughing] - I GOT YOU. 329 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,644 - OOF. - I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER. 330 00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,042 GO BACK-- - HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. 331 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:28,414 AH, [bleep]. 332 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:32,011 OKAY. - OKAY, THERE, THERE, POINT. 333 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,275 - GIVE ME EVERYTHING IN THE REGISTER... 334 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,685 - YOU NUMBER 67-- - YOU NUMBER 67 WITH-- 335 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:40,488 WITH--WITH WAD CRIES. - WITH PAD THAI. 336 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,660 - WITH PAD THAI! - GIVE HIM THE MONEY. 337 00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:45,629 - GIVE ME THE [bleep] MONEY, YOU [bleep]! 338 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,388 - [laughing] - THANK YOU. 339 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,897 - LET ME--I'LL TAKE THE GUN. I'LL TAKE THE GUN. 340 00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,126 - DAMN IT. - YOU'RE FINE. 341 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,233 OKAY, NOW YOU'RE A BEAR. 342 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,534 - ROAR! - OH, MY GOD, IT'S A BEAR! 343 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,967 AAH! - [moaning] 344 00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,905 - BADFINGER, I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER! 345 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,367 - OKAY, OKAY, SPRAY ME! 346 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,678 - I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER, YOU'RE FINE. 347 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:07,610 MOST PEOPLE WOULD DIE WITHOUT THE NEUTRALIZER. 348 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,517 - YEAH. - THE FOOD. 349 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:10,619 - WHERE THE [bleep] IS IT? 350 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,420 - EAT THE SANDWICH OR SOMETHING. 351 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,593 ALL RIGHT, YOUR LAST TEST IS A GIRL 352 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:20,063 ALONE IN THE PARK, ODDLY, DOING YOGA. 353 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,463 GO GET HER. - HEY. 354 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,364 YOU SURE DO BEND PRETTY, BABY. 355 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,996 - WELL, THAT'S NOT CREEPY AT ALL. 356 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,302 NAMASTE, BITCH. 357 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,943 - [bleep]! - HOLD ON, I GOT-- 358 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,598 I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER, I GOT-- - [moaning] 359 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,667 [whimpering] - YOU'RE FINE. 360 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,605 ENJOY HER. - OH, RIGHT! 361 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,111 WHERE ARE YOU, BABY? 362 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,753 - CONGRATULATIONS, BADFINGER. THANKS TO THE PEPPER SPRAY AWAY, 363 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:42,018 NOW WITH SPF 15, YOU WERE ABLE TO ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE, 364 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,679 SCARE A FAMILY TO DEATH, AND SEXUALLY ASSAULT A WOMAN. 365 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,487 SO IF YOU'RE A CRIMINAL, HEAD ON DOWN TO THE STORE 366 00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:49,559 AND PICK UP A BOTTLE TODAY. 367 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,159 HOW YOU DOING BACK THERE, SNOTS? 368 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,491 - I'M DOING GREAT, ACTUALLY. 369 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,655 AS LONG AS THE WIND IS BLOWING ON ME, I'M FINE. 370 00:14:54,694 --> 00:15:00,174 - GOOD LORD, PEPPER SPRAY REALLY CLEARS OUT THE SINUSES. 371 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,670 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, 372 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,401 ENJOY THE FREE PLUG, COCA-COLA. 373 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:07,036 - PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK." 374 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:10,144 PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK." I WANT A "COCK." 375 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:13,647 PLEASE GIVE ME "COCK." "COCK"-COLA. 376 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,450 AND ASK THEM THE PRICE OF "COCK." 377 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:25,025 [suspenseful music] 378 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:33,068 * 379 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,265 - I HATE THE IDEA OF OWNING A GUN, 380 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:42,477 BUT LOVE THE IDEA OF OWNING A CANNON. 381 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,739 THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THEY TEND TO DOMINATE THE ROOM, 382 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,577 SO WHEN I SAW THAT MUCH TINIER VERSION, 383 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:49,523 I HIRED AN ARMS DEALER TO SMUGGLE ONE IN FROM ISRAEL. 384 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,679 NOW I CAN FINALLY ACHIEVE MY DREAM 385 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,748 OF RECREATING THIS FAMOUS VIDEO. 386 00:15:53,786 --> 00:16:01,856 * 387 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,953 [crowd oohs] 388 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:29,093 OW! 389 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,262 WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY FELLAS WOULD LIKE TO DIG THE BB 390 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,631 OUT OF MY ASS? 391 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,430 AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG 392 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,732 AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 393 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,834 THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US 394 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,595 FROM JOSH FADEM AND WENDY MCCOLM. 395 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:44,243 [sexy music] 396 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,811 - OW! - SORRY. 397 00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:59,593 ONE SECOND. 398 00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,444 [grunting] 399 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:19,969 [laughing] 400 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,282 OOH... 401 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,251 AAH! 402 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,582 SHUT THE [bleep] UP! 403 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,363 [struggling] 404 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,390 - WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S HAPPENING? 405 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:40,756 - ARGH! 406 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:43,463 - JACK, OH... 407 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,766 JACK! [screams] 408 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,398 - HERE'S A THOUGHT: UNZIP YOUR FLY. 409 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,436 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY. 410 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,971 [cheers and applause] 411 00:17:57,144 --> 00:18:01,254 [applause] 412 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,521 - WELCOME BACK, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY 413 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,720 TO ALL THE DADS OUT THERE THAT BEING SINGLE WITH NO KIDS 414 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,793 IS THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY TO CELEBRATE FATHER'S DAY. 415 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,792 ENJOY YOUR UGLY NECKTIE. 416 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,385 NEXT WEEK, THIS SPELLING BEE CONTESTANT 417 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,397 GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 418 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,758 - HERON. 419 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,026 - WILL YOU PLEASE REPEAT THE WORD? 420 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,334 - HERON. - WHAT'S THE WORD AGAIN? 421 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,637 - HERON. - HARANGUE? 422 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,809 - HERON. - HAIR-WINK? 423 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,578 - HE-RON. - HA-RROW? 424 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,478 - HE-RON. - HAIRLINE? 425 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,780 - WHAT THE [bleep]? 426 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,321 JUST SPELL "HAIR-WINK" AND GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE. 427 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,748 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT 428 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,223 DURING THE SHOWS, KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG 429 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,891 AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM, AND CHECK OUT OUR STORE, 430 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,060 WHERE YOU CAN FINALLY BUY TOSH.0 ON BLU-RAY. 431 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,890 ABOUT TIME, BECAUSE COMEDY CENTRAL REFUSES 432 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:48,195 TO EVER RERUN THIS SHOW. 433 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,898 AND SINCE ORGANIZING YOUR BOX SET BY SEASON 434 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,299 IS SO LAST SEASON, 435 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,301 WE'RE DOING OURS BY WARDROBE, STARTING WITH HOODIES. 436 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:55,704 THOSE THINGS ARE DANGEROUS. 437 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,205 THEY'RE ALSO THE FIRST TEN EPISODES WE EVER DID, 438 00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,235 AND, MAN, THOSE SHOWS WERE BAD. 439 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,213 WE HADN'T QUITE WORKED OUT THE KINKS YET. 440 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,342 ALSO, PLEASE IGNORE THE FACT THAT I MAY APPEAR 441 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,847 TO BE BALDER BACK THEN. 442 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,978 THEY WERE SHOT BEFORE I COULD AFFORD PROPECIA 443 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,254 AND ALL MY BLACK MARKET HAIR PRODUCTS. 444 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,553 ARE YOU SICK OF HEARING ABOUT 445 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,224 MY NEW ANIMATED SHOW, BRICKLEBERRY? 446 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,691 IT'S PREMIERING ON COMEDY CENTRAL 447 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,122 SEPTEMBER 25TH. 448 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,634 WE HAVE ONE BLACK CHARACTER NAMED DENZEL 449 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,859 WHO IS PLAYED BY ONE VERY FUNNY BLACK ACTOR, JERRY MINOR. 450 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,025 WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HIM? 451 00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,373 all: SURE. 452 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,828 - COCK-BLOCKED BY A 90-YEAR-OLD. AIN'T THAT SOME [bleep]? 453 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:31,237 - OH, DENZEL, WHAT WILL YOU SAY NEXT? 454 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,911 AND FINALLY, IT SEEMS LIKE WE'VE BEEN USING 455 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,479 THE SAME EMOTICONS FOR, LIKE, A DECADE. 456 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,938 MY EMOTIONS ARE MORE COMPLEX THAN A FROWNY FACE 457 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,277 OR A WINKY FACE. 458 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,082 SO I'VE CREATED SOME BRAND NEW EMOTICONS 459 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,323 TO SAVE TIME AND LIVES. 460 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,550 "I'M COMING OVER TO [bleep] YOUR VAGINA." 461 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,615 SIMPLE. 462 00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:51,264 WINKY FACE, TONGUE OUT, THE "V." 463 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,458 GOT TO KEEP ONE EYE OPEN, ALWAYS. 464 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,403 "DON'T TELL ME WHO WON THE GAME. 465 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,528 I'M DVR-ING IT AND GONNA WATCH IT LATER." 466 00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,725 YEAH, YOU GOT THE X OVER THE MOUTH 467 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:02,996 AND THEN AN OLD VHS TAPE. 468 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,505 EVERY TIME I GET THIS TEXT, I GET EXCITED. 469 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,408 THIS MEANS, "HURRY UP AND GET OVER HERE. 470 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,940 THIS PARTY IS FULL OF ASIANS." 471 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:16,347 "IF YOU NEED ME, I WILL BE IN MCDONALD'S DOING A B.M." 472 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,823 SEE, THE 3 IS AN ASS, 473 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:21,620 AND THEN THE SQUIGGLY IS DIARRHEA. 474 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:25,894 AND WHY WE DIDN'T JUST USE THE [bleep] LETTER "M," I'LL... 475 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,325 IF YOU'RE EVER IN PRISON AND YOU HAPPEN 476 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,831 TO SNEAK A PHONE IN, 477 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:32,202 YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO USE THIS ONE. 478 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,101 IT'S "I'M GOING TO SHANK YOU IN THE YARD 479 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:38,143 TO EARN THE RESPECT OF THE CHOLOS." 480 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,440 YOU GOT A KNIFE. KNIFE EQUALS... 481 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,183 AND THEN YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMBRERO HAT 482 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,049 WITH EYES AND THE MOUSTACHE. 483 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:49,218 THAT EQUALS A HAPPY CHOLO. 484 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,918 I'VE HAD TO TEXT MY ASSISTANT THIS ONE A TIME OR TWO. 485 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:54,351 "I FORGOT TO PUT MY HALF-EATEN VEGGIE BURGER AWAY, 486 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,617 NOW THERE ARE ANTS." 487 00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:01,086 "AAH, CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, THE GHOST OWL IS BACK!" 488 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,357 DO YOUR PART TO MAKE THESE CATCH ON. 489 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:05,726 GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT. GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT. 490 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:09,573 - NICE SHOES, ASSHOLE! 491 00:21:15,174 --> 00:21:16,244 - GET OUT OF HERE AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU HIPPIE. 492 00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:17,513 BEAT IT, YOU GODDAMN OCCUPIERS. 493 00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:18,914 - AAH! - OH! 494 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,445 - HEY, IT'S JUST ME, MAN, BADFINGER. 495 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,810 - WHAT'S UP, BADFINGER? 496 00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,618 I LIKE TO CLEAR OUT THE PARK OF RIFF-RAFF 497 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:24,620 IN MY OFF TIME. 498 00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:25,921 [shotgun cocks] 499 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:28,492 YOU'VE JUST BEEN KIM JONG KILLED. 36848

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