Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE

AUDIENCE.

COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE

THE ACTIONS PERFORMED AND

DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM

PERFORMING THEM.

ENJOY.

(SCREAMING )

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

[LAUGHING]

HELP!

HELP!

[LAUGHING]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> QUIET.

YOU WILL SCARE AWAY THE DEER.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

TONIGHT SICK KICKS FOR THE

LADIES.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN STORES YET.

THESE SICK KICKS ARE THE NEW

DERRICK ROSE BY ADIDAS.

HE WILL NEVER GET TO WEAR.

MAYBE THEY'RE CURSED.

HOPE I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE

EPISODE WITHOUT BLOWING OUT MY

ACL.

TONIGHT WE TYPE STUFF INTO

GOOGLE.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SOLID

EPISODE.

NOW, LET'S SEE IF ANYONE HAS

HELPED THAT GUY YET.

>> OH, DEER.

HELP SKHRAUPL

HELP!

HELP!

>> HELP YOU DO WHAT, KILL MORE

OF NATURE'S BEAUTIFUL CREATURES?

IN SOMETIMES LIKE THIS I ASK

MYSELF WHAT WOULD AMANDA BYNES

DO?

THE ANSWER IS, GET UP AND LEAVE

AND PRAY NO ONE SAW IT IF YOU

WANT YOUR BABY TO STAY SOFT

DON'T FORGET THE DOWNEY.

BY NOW EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE

VIDEO WHERE A GUY PUTS A BABY IN

THE WASHING MACHINE AND YOU

CAN'T GET IT OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY IF YOU CAN'T

AFFORD A WASHER AND DRIER YOU

CAN'T AFFORD A KID ANYWAYS.

THE SIGN SAYS JUNIOR WASH

$2.95789 I HATE THE SOUND OF

SHOES IN THE WASHING MACHINE

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE ATTACHED

TO A SCREAMING BABY.

THANK GOODNESS HE'S SAFE.

NOW GO DRY HIM IN THE MICRO

WAVE.

I GO TO THAT LAUNDRY MAT ONCE A

WEEK.

*

>> LAUNDRY DAY.

OKAY.

A LITTLE GRAPE JUICE ON THERE.

THAT'S OKAY.

I WILL TRY TO TIDE STICK IT OUT.

THERE YOU GO.

(CRYING BABY)

>> AND IN.

(CRYING BABY ).

>> IN HERE, IF YOU DON'T

SEPARATE THE COLORS YOU WILL

DINGY UP THE WHITES.

TECHNICALLY YOU'RE NOT DARK BUT

YOU'RE NONWHITE SO YOU GO OVER

HERE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE DEFINITELY

WHITE.

I NEED TO HOLD HANDS.

IF I LOSE ONE OF YOU I HAVE TO

THROW THE OTHER ONE AWAY.

(CRYING BABY)

>> OH, NO, I DIDN'T.

OH, I FORGOT YOU'RE DRY CLEAN

ONLY.

YES.

ARE YOU.

>> THE REASON SHE'S STKRAOEU

CLEAN ONLY IS SHE'S NOT A STRONG

SWIMMER.

YES.

>> HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

KEEP YOUR iPHONE IN THE FRONT

POCKET.

>> -- JUNIORS LIFE HAS BECOME

MORE TKEULT SINCE 2008.

A GROWTH MORE THAN 100 POUNDS ON

HIT SKROE TUPL.

HIS SCOTUM.

>> THAT MAY HAVE IT'S OWN HEART.

IS HE WEARING A HOODIE AS PANTS?

BALLSY MOVE.

LET'S SEE IT.

HE HAS TO HIRE A TEAM OF LATINOS

TO MANSCAPE THAT MONSTER.

THE SELLING POINT IS LAWED HE'S

HAVE A PLACE TO REST THEIR CHIN.

AND THEIR ARMS.

A GLASS OF WINE.

A PLATE OF CHEESE.

THEIR PURSE.

THAT'S SOME BIG BALLS.

THIS NEXT GIRL PUTS THE HORE IN

HORTICULTURE.

>> KATIE SITTING IN A TREE

K-I-S-S-EC-STA-SY.

CAN TREES CATCH CHLAMYDIA?

I WONDERFUL HE CARES IF THE TREE

CURVES A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

>> IF THAT TREE COULD TALK SHE

WOULD FREAK OUT.

WHOLLY [BEEP] THIS TREE IS

TALKING.

>> MY MOTTO IS THE MORE TALENTED

YOUR DOG IS THE MORE LONELY YOU

ARE.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF

THING YOU SEE AT HALF TIME OF A

LAKERS GAME IF THEY WERE STILL

IN THE PLAYOFFS.

THE BEST TRICK IS MAKING IT LOOK

LIKE THE DOG ISN'T BEATEN

CONSTANTLY.

>> WHO NAMES THEIR DOG NORMAN?

WHAT'S NEXT.

(OH )

[BEEP]

[LAUGHING]

>> I BROKE MY TOE.

I JUST BROKE MY TOE.

>> WHEN YOU GO TO AN ON-LINE

COLLEGE YOU HAVE TO HAZE

YOURSELF.

BAD.

>> NOW LET'S SEE WHY NOTHING

GOOD COMES FROM A GROW EN MAN

SETTING UP A WEBBCAM IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THE INTERNET IS FULL OF

PEOPLE TRYING TO GET FAMOUS BY

OUT MORONNING EACH OTHER THIS

GUY CALLS HIMSELF THE L.A.

BEAST.

MY NICKNAME FOR JESSICA BIEL.

TIME FOR THE BRAIN FREEZE

CHALLENGE.

YOU DRINK A SLUR PEE FAST AND

TRY TO DELIVER GIFTS ACROSS A

BUSTERRED FLOOR.

IF IT SOUNDS MADE UP AND STUPID.

THAT'S BECAUSE THIS GUY MADE IT

UP AND HE'S STUPID.

WHAT'S WITH THE PRESENTS?

JUST BE GLAD HE'S NOT A EX

FOOTBALL PLAYER FIRING A BULLET

INTO HIS CHEST.

[BEEP]

>> PEOPLE WATCHING HIS AUDITION

TAPE FOR AMERICA'S NEXT TOP

PREDATOR WHO LIVES WITH HIS

PARENTS AND HAS A DISPRO PORTION

Y LARGE HEAD.DISPORTIONATEATEL

>> I BROKE MY TOE.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S

BROKEN.

(OH).

>> OH, I'M SORRY I DOUBTED YOU,

BEAST.

THAT PIGGY WENT TO THE SLATER

HOUSE.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TAPE IT

TO THE TOE NEXT TO IT.

FIRST STUFF THE MEAT AND BONE

BACK IN.

>> I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

>> HIS NEXT CHALLENGE IS PUTTING

ON A SOCK WITHOUT CRYING.

TIME TO HANG NUMBER 62 FROM THE

RAFTERS, AND FOR THAT WE AT

THIS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

WEBB REDEMPTION.

FIRST, IF YOU'RE A SCIENTIST

PLAY SPECIAL CLOSE ATTENTION.

>> WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

A NUCLEAR BOMB IS ABOUT TO

LAUNCH WITH SEMEN TO INFECT

EVERYONE.

WE NEED SCIENTISTS ALL OVER THE

WORLD TO HELP US STOP THIS BOMB,

AND ALSO IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE A

NUCLEAR BOMB HITTING CANADA --

RIGHT NOW.

>> OH!

>> GET YOUR HAT.

[LAUGHING]

>> HE'S FINE.

THE SKULL IS NATURE'S HELMET.

HE SHOULD THANK THAT TRUCK FOR

HELPING HIM MAKE THE ONLY

WATCHABLE SKATE VIDEO.

SKATEBOARDING WAS INVENTED BY

MARTY McFLY.

BACK THEN IT WAS COOL AND

DANGEROUS.

SKATING HAS YET TO GO MAINSTREAM

BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH IT

THEY CAN'T GET FUEL TV TO WATCH

IT AND THEY SHOW WEIGHT INS.

I WATCH X GAMES THE SAME REASON

I WATCH BULLFIGHTING.

I WANT TO SEE YOU DIE.

A NOLLIE HEEL FLIP ISN'T

DIFFERENT FROM SPEAKING KLINGON

AND WATCHING STORM TROOPER

COSTUMES.

>> STORM TROOPERS DON'T SPEAK

KLINGON.

>> I GET IT.

>> SKATING IS FOR CHILDREN.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOE DEAL BY

THE TIME YOU'RE 14 YOUR WINDOW

IS CLOSED.

THERE IS ZERO PERCENT CHANCE YOU

WILL BE THE NEXT TONY HRAUBG.

NO HOBIE CAN BE THAT GREAT IF

YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY RAZOR

SCOOTERS ALL DAY.

THE ONLY TRICK ON A RAZOR

SCOOTER IS GOING FIVE MINUTES

WITHOUT HAVING YOUR SEXUALITY

QUESTIONED.

I LIKE SKATEBOARDERS ARE

FEARLESS AND DO IT DOVER AND

OVER WITHOUT GETTING IT RIGHT.

SAME AS ANYONE DATING MATTHEW

FOX.

IT'S LIKE HOLLYWOOD WHERE DOING

RAILS MEANS SOMETHING COMPLETELY

DIFFERENT.

NOW THIS WEEK'S WEBB REDEMPTION.

>> WHAT'S UP, SIR.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.

>> IT'S NOT MY HOUSE.

NOW GET IN HERE.

THIS BOWL IS SO FRESH.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM.

>> BOSTON.

>> WALK ME THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED

IN THE VIDEO.

>> SKATING.

>> WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING

ANYTHING ELSE.

>> NO, THAT WAS THE END.

>> IT ENDED ON TIME.

>> WHEN YOU GOT UP DID YOU

CREDIT CALLING THE PHONE NUMBER

ON THE BACK OF THE TRUCK TO

REPORT HIS DRIVING?

>> NO.

>> HOW FAR DID YOU FLY THROUGH

THE AIR.

>> APPROXIMATELY 25 FEET.

>> DID YOU EVER MEET THE GUY?

I'M SORRY DID YOU EVER MEET THE

ASIAN WOMAN?

>> HE SCALED A AMBULANCE.

>> AND THEN LEFT.

>> PRETTY MUCH.

>> WOULD YOU BE SHOCKED IF HE

WAS HERE?

>> YES.

>> ME TOO.

>> WHO WAS SUPPOSE TO BE

WATCHING FOR TRAFFIC.

>> NO ONE WAS BUT SOMEONE SHOULD

OF BEEN.

>> YOU WERE HOPING WHEN YOU FLEW

THROUGH A INTERSECTION THERE

WOULD BE NO CARS.

>> I DID IT ONCE BEFORE AND I

WENT TO THE SIDEWALK.

I WENT INTO THE STREET THAT

TIME.

>> DID YOU GET HURT.

>> LITTLE BIT.

CUTS AND BROWSES.

>> NO BROKEN BONES?

>> NO BROKEN BONES.

>> DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

>> YES.

>> DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?

>> YES.

>> YOU VOTE IN THE LAST ELECTION

ELECTION.

>> ARE YOU VOTING THIS TIME.

>> YES.

>> IT'S EXCITING.

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT IN

THERE.

THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ASK

QUESTIONS.

>> DID YOUR PARENTS SEE THE

VIDEO.

>> YES.

>> WHAT DID THEY THINK?

>> THEY DIDN'T REACT THE WAY I

THOUGHT THEY WOULD.

>> HOW DID THEY REACT?

>> THAT WAS CRAZY.

THEY DIDN'T FREAK OUT.

>> WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT YOU

DEAD?

>> THIS IS WHAT I WOULD OF DONE.

I WOULD OF JUMPED OFF MY

SKATEBOARD OVER THE TRUCK.

MY SKATEBOARD GO UNDERNEATH AND

JUMP ON THE BOARD.

>> A HIPPIE JUMP.

>> DID IT MAKE YOU WANT TO

SWITCH TO ROLLER BLADING.

>> NO.

>> WHAT IS YOUR THOUGHT ON

ROLLER BLADERS?

>> HORRIBLE.

>> WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM.

>> FRUIT BOOTERS.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HATE

CRIME.

IS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE

HIT BY A CAR.

>> YES.

>> IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

>> YES.

>> GOOD DRIVER IN SNOW?

>> DRIVE SLOW.

>> YOU DO WHAT I DO, GET

YOURSELF A SUBARU OUTBACK.

>> HAVE YOU SKATED THE RAIL

SINCE.

>> NO.

>> YOU HAVE TO GET BACK ON THAT

RAIL.

>> KIDS, HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO

I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO QUIT

TRAINING BY POOL.

FILL IT UP OR I'M CALLING THE

POLICE.

YOU ALWAYS THIS ANGRY OLD MAN

HAWK.

>> LET'S.

GO

[LAUGHING]

*

*

>> WELCOME TO MY CHILDISH DREAM

FACTORY FOR YOUNG BOYS ONLY.

>> NOT LIKE THE FANTASY FACTORY.

>> NO.

IT'S MY OWN ORIGINAL IDEA I HAD

YEARS BEFORE HE DID.

I WAS TOO BUSY WITH OTHER

PROJECTS TO SEE IT THROUGH.

IT IS AWESOME WITH EVERYTHING

YOU COULD WANT IF EVERYTHING YOU

WANT IS TO HANG OUT WITH

12-YEAR-OLD SHIRT LESS BOYS.

SCOOTER, PLAY BASKETBALL.

MY FAVORITE THE PHONE PIT.

YOU GOING TO JUMP IN.

>> I WILL STICK TO SKATING.

>> SUIT YOURSELF.

I INSIST YOU DON'T WEAR A

HELMET.

THE BOYS LOOK UP TO YOU.

IT'S IMPORTANT THEIR IDOL IS

COOL T-FPLTZ HOT IN HERE.

LET ME FIX YOU A DRINK.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> JASON.

>> ALRIGHT, LAST CHANCE TO TAKE

THE SHIRT OFF.

LOOKS ITCHY .

>> I'M GOOD.

>> YOUR LOSS.

GO HAVE FUN WITH THE BOYS.

THERE ARE NO CARS IN HERE.

YOU SHOULD BE PRETTY SAFE.

[BEEP]

>> OH, NO.

I SEE YOU MET MY PARTNER IN

CRIME.

YOU TOOK TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF

BALLS IN THE FACE.

YOU GOT SACKED.

THAT'S WHAT UP.

YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.

>> LUCKY FOR US BIG ZACH IS A

FAN OF THE SHOW AND WILLING TO

DRIVE IN FROM VEGAS.

NOW WILL SOMEONE DO HIM A FAVOR

AND GET HIGH ON BATH SALTS AND

GNAW THAT THING OFF.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST LET'S CLOSE OUT THE AIR

AS.OELOUT THEAERIOL

>> DUDE.

>> PUT IT ON.

>>

>> HI, KICKSTARTERS.

WE'RE WRITERS, STUDENTS AND

ASPIRING MUSICIANS.

>> WE NEED YOUR HELP.

>> I NEED YOUR HELP MAKING MY

FIRST MIXED TAPE POSSIBLE.

>> WE'RE MAKING A STEAM PUNK,

STEAM POWERED ARM.

>> I'M WORKING ON A LIFE SIZE

MUMMY ON $200 OF McDONALD'S

FOOD.

>> LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD

TOGETHER.

>> IF A FEW DOLLARS MAKE YOUR

DREAMS COME TRUE.

YOU HAVE PATHETIC DREAMS.

THAT IS FROM KICKSTARTER.

THE SITE IS FLOODED WITH BANDS,

ARTISTS AND TWO THOUSAND PEOPLE

WITH A DESIGNER JEANS LINE.

IT'S STUPID AND WORKS.

I HAVE DECIDED TO START MY OWN

KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN.

MY NAME IS DANIEL TOSH.

I'M A MEDIAN.

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO BE

EXTREMELY WEALTHY BUT I HAVE A

HORRIBLE WORK ETHIC WITH.

THIS KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN I'M

ASKING YOU TO HELP ME BECOME THE

FIRST WORLD'S TRILLIONAIR.

I WILL PURCHASE THE MONA LISA

AND PUT THE BITCH THROUGH A

PAPER SLEDDER.

I WILL BUY THE MIAMI DOLPHINS

AND GUARANTEE TIM TEBOW STARTS

EVERY GAME.

I WILL PURCHASE FACEBOOK AND

RENAME IT THE FACEBOOK.

ONE MORE THING.

KEEP THE "IT" I LIKE IT THAT

WILL HELP THE WORTHLESS STOCK GO

LOWER.

I WILL SHUT DOWN INSTAGRAM.

I WILL CONVERT DISNEY WORLD INTO

A LUXURY RESORT FOR GAY WEDDINGS

AND RENAME IT NORTH CAROLINA.

I WILL BYE EVERY TANG RAOEPB IN

THE WORLD SO NO WIN CAN HAVE A

TANGERINE.

YOU DUMBA*GSS CAN WASTE YOUR

TIME PEELING GIANT ORE ANGS.

THE MINIMUM DONATION IS TEN

THOUSAND DOLLARS.

THERE IS NO MAXIMUM.

BY GIVING ME A TRILLION DOLLARS

YOU CAN BE COME A GOLD MEMBER.

YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO DONATE.

>> IF I GET THAT MONEY I WILL

NOT BE HERE NEXT WEEK.

DO THE RIGHT THING WITH YOUR

PARENT CREDIT CARD INFORMATION,

KIDS.

THE SECURITY CODE IS THE THREE

DIGIT NUMBER ON THE BACK.

TO SEE MORE OF MY KICKSTARTER

HEAD OVER TO THE BLOG.

AND MAYBE YOU CAN BE A VIEWER

VIDEO WINNER.

HERE IS THIS WEEKS.

>> GO FOR IT

>> DID YOU JUST EAT THEM?

>> YA.

YES, I DID.

>> LIKE I'M SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE

SHE MADE A PERFECT TOSS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

MAKE ME LAUGH.

I HOPE THE MYSTERY COMIC IS GREG

HAHN.

>> WELCOME BACK.

YOLO, THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS ARE

SAYING.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, YOLO.

WHAT ABOUT HINDUS?

I DON'T [BEEP] CARE ABOUT

HINDUS.

NEXT WEEK WE GET THIS GUY PEPPER

SPRAYED AGAIN.

>> GET IT ALL OVER YOU.

TAKE IT IN THE MOUTH.

(SCREAMING )

>> I CAN'T BREATH!

>> LOOKS LIKE NICE PROPERTY.

>> HE SHOULD LET HIS BUDDY PEE

ON THE FACE.

DOESN'T DO ANYTHING FOR THE

STINGING BUT MAKES A BETTER

VIDEO.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP

WITH THE BLOG AND CHECK OUT THE

STORE.

OUR NEW ANIMATED SHOW

BRICKLEBERRY IS COMING TO COMEDY

CENTRAL.

WE HAVE KAITLIN OLSON FROM

"ALWAYS SUNNY" SHE PLAYS A PARK

RANGER CALLED ETHEL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HER?

>> I HAVE HAD ELEVEN ABORTIONS.

>> ARE YOU GETTING A FEEL FOR

THE TONE OF THE SHOW, KIDS.

>> FINALLY BEFORE WE GO I WOULD

LIKE TO TALK ABOUT GOOGLES AUTO

COMPLETE FEATURE.

IF YOU TYPE "IS."

THE THIRD RESULT IS "IS DANIEL

TOSH GAY?

"THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS AN

ANSWER TOO.

LET IT GO MY LITTLE MONSTERS.

HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

TYPE IN "CAN YOU."

"CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM

[BEEP]?

THE ANSWER IS A BIG YES.

OF ALL FORMS OF PRE THE MOST

POTENT AND TANGIEST.

IF YOU TYPE IN "WERE THERE."

HERE IS WHAT COMES UP:

WERE THERE BLACK PEOPLE ON THE

TITANNICS?

WERE THEIR WHITE SLAVES?

WERE THEIR GAY PRESIDENTS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE COUNTRY,

THIS GREAT QUESTIONS.

LET'S DO THIS WITH IMAGES.

IF YOU TYPE IN "PROBABLY SMELLS

KPWAD" WHAT DO YOU THINK THE

FIRST PICTURE IS?

RIHANNA?

I WOULD LIKE TO GET HER STANK

ALL OVER ME.

IF YOU TYPE IN HAOPBD SO MANY

COMEDIANS.

YOU GET 34 PAGES OF RESULTS AND

I'M NOT ON A SINGLE ONE.

THAT'S HORSE [BEEP].

MAYBE I NEED TO GET MORE

SPECIFIC WITH MY SEARCH.

SEXY WHITE COMEDIANS NAMED

DANIEL I'M FOURTH.

[LAUGHING]

>> SO, IN CONCLUSION GOOGLE IS

GARBAGE AND I'M TANGING MY

BUSINESS TO BINGE.

GOOD NIGHT.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY ALL OF THE WORK

THAT WENT INTO THIS QUALITY

PRODUCTION.

>> I SAW THOSE VIDEOS.

>> IS THAT THE SAME HAT IN THE

VIDEO.

>> BOSTON.

>> CELTICS.

>> NO, RED SOX.