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>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM
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THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE
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AUDIENCE.
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COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE
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THE ACTIONS PERFORMED AND
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DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM
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PERFORMING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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(SCREAMING )
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HELP!
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HELP!
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HELP!
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HELP!
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[LAUGHING]
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HELP!
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HELP!
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[LAUGHING]
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> QUIET.
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YOU WILL SCARE AWAY THE DEER.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.O.
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TONIGHT SICK KICKS FOR THE
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LADIES.
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THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN STORES YET.
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THESE SICK KICKS ARE THE NEW
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DERRICK ROSE BY ADIDAS.
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HE WILL NEVER GET TO WEAR.
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MAYBE THEY'RE CURSED.
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HOPE I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE
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EPISODE WITHOUT BLOWING OUT MY
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ACL.
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TONIGHT WE TYPE STUFF INTO
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GOOGLE.
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THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SOLID
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EPISODE.
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NOW, LET'S SEE IF ANYONE HAS
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HELPED THAT GUY YET.
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>> OH, DEER.
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HELP SKHRAUPL
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HELP!
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HELP!
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>> HELP YOU DO WHAT, KILL MORE
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OF NATURE'S BEAUTIFUL CREATURES?
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IN SOMETIMES LIKE THIS I ASK
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MYSELF WHAT WOULD AMANDA BYNES
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DO?
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THE ANSWER IS, GET UP AND LEAVE
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AND PRAY NO ONE SAW IT IF YOU
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WANT YOUR BABY TO STAY SOFT
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DON'T FORGET THE DOWNEY.
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BY NOW EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE
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VIDEO WHERE A GUY PUTS A BABY IN
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THE WASHING MACHINE AND YOU
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CAN'T GET IT OUT.
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YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY IF YOU CAN'T
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AFFORD A WASHER AND DRIER YOU
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CAN'T AFFORD A KID ANYWAYS.
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THE SIGN SAYS JUNIOR WASH
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$2.95789 I HATE THE SOUND OF
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SHOES IN THE WASHING MACHINE
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ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE ATTACHED
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TO A SCREAMING BABY.
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THANK GOODNESS HE'S SAFE.
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NOW GO DRY HIM IN THE MICRO
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WAVE.
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I GO TO THAT LAUNDRY MAT ONCE A
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WEEK.
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*
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>> LAUNDRY DAY.
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OKAY.
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A LITTLE GRAPE JUICE ON THERE.
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THAT'S OKAY.
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I WILL TRY TO TIDE STICK IT OUT.
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THERE YOU GO.
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(CRYING BABY)
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>> AND IN.
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(CRYING BABY ).
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>> IN HERE, IF YOU DON'T
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SEPARATE THE COLORS YOU WILL
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DINGY UP THE WHITES.
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TECHNICALLY YOU'RE NOT DARK BUT
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YOU'RE NONWHITE SO YOU GO OVER
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HERE.
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OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE DEFINITELY
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WHITE.
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I NEED TO HOLD HANDS.
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IF I LOSE ONE OF YOU I HAVE TO
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THROW THE OTHER ONE AWAY.
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(CRYING BABY)
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>> OH, NO, I DIDN'T.
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OH, I FORGOT YOU'RE DRY CLEAN
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ONLY.
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YES.
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ARE YOU.
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>> THE REASON SHE'S STKRAOEU
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CLEAN ONLY IS SHE'S NOT A STRONG
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SWIMMER.
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YES.
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>> HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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KEEP YOUR iPHONE IN THE FRONT
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POCKET.
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>> -- JUNIORS LIFE HAS BECOME
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MORE TKEULT SINCE 2008.
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A GROWTH MORE THAN 100 POUNDS ON
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HIT SKROE TUPL.
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HIS SCOTUM.
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>> THAT MAY HAVE IT'S OWN HEART.
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IS HE WEARING A HOODIE AS PANTS?
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BALLSY MOVE.
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LET'S SEE IT.
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HE HAS TO HIRE A TEAM OF LATINOS
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TO MANSCAPE THAT MONSTER.
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THE SELLING POINT IS LAWED HE'S
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HAVE A PLACE TO REST THEIR CHIN.
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AND THEIR ARMS.
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A GLASS OF WINE.
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A PLATE OF CHEESE.
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THEIR PURSE.
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THAT'S SOME BIG BALLS.
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THIS NEXT GIRL PUTS THE HORE IN
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HORTICULTURE.
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>> KATIE SITTING IN A TREE
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K-I-S-S-EC-STA-SY.
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CAN TREES CATCH CHLAMYDIA?
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I WONDERFUL HE CARES IF THE TREE
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CURVES A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
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>> IF THAT TREE COULD TALK SHE
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WOULD FREAK OUT.
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WHOLLY [BEEP] THIS TREE IS
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TALKING.
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>> MY MOTTO IS THE MORE TALENTED
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YOUR DOG IS THE MORE LONELY YOU
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ARE.
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>> THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF
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THING YOU SEE AT HALF TIME OF A
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LAKERS GAME IF THEY WERE STILL
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IN THE PLAYOFFS.
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THE BEST TRICK IS MAKING IT LOOK
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LIKE THE DOG ISN'T BEATEN
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CONSTANTLY.
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>> WHO NAMES THEIR DOG NORMAN?
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WHAT'S NEXT.
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(OH )
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[BEEP]
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I BROKE MY TOE.
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I JUST BROKE MY TOE.
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>> WHEN YOU GO TO AN ON-LINE
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COLLEGE YOU HAVE TO HAZE
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YOURSELF.
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BAD.
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>> NOW LET'S SEE WHY NOTHING
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GOOD COMES FROM A GROW EN MAN
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SETTING UP A WEBBCAM IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> THE INTERNET IS FULL OF
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PEOPLE TRYING TO GET FAMOUS BY
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OUT MORONNING EACH OTHER THIS
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GUY CALLS HIMSELF THE L.A.
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BEAST.
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MY NICKNAME FOR JESSICA BIEL.
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TIME FOR THE BRAIN FREEZE
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CHALLENGE.
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YOU DRINK A SLUR PEE FAST AND
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TRY TO DELIVER GIFTS ACROSS A
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BUSTERRED FLOOR.
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IF IT SOUNDS MADE UP AND STUPID.
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THAT'S BECAUSE THIS GUY MADE IT
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UP AND HE'S STUPID.
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WHAT'S WITH THE PRESENTS?
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JUST BE GLAD HE'S NOT A EX
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FOOTBALL PLAYER FIRING A BULLET
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INTO HIS CHEST.
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[BEEP]
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>> PEOPLE WATCHING HIS AUDITION
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TAPE FOR AMERICA'S NEXT TOP
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PREDATOR WHO LIVES WITH HIS
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PARENTS AND HAS A DISPRO PORTION
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Y LARGE HEAD.DISPORTIONATEATEL
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>> I BROKE MY TOE.
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>> YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
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BROKEN.
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(OH).
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>> OH, I'M SORRY I DOUBTED YOU,
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BEAST.
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THAT PIGGY WENT TO THE SLATER
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HOUSE.
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WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TAPE IT
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TO THE TOE NEXT TO IT.
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FIRST STUFF THE MEAT AND BONE
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BACK IN.
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>> I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
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>> HIS NEXT CHALLENGE IS PUTTING
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ON A SOCK WITHOUT CRYING.
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TIME TO HANG NUMBER 62 FROM THE
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RAFTERS, AND FOR THAT WE AT
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THIS.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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WEBB REDEMPTION.
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FIRST, IF YOU'RE A SCIENTIST
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PLAY SPECIAL CLOSE ATTENTION.
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>> WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
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A NUCLEAR BOMB IS ABOUT TO
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LAUNCH WITH SEMEN TO INFECT
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EVERYONE.
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WE NEED SCIENTISTS ALL OVER THE
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WORLD TO HELP US STOP THIS BOMB,
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AND ALSO IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE A
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NUCLEAR BOMB HITTING CANADA --
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RIGHT NOW.
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>> OH!
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>> GET YOUR HAT.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> HE'S FINE.
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THE SKULL IS NATURE'S HELMET.
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HE SHOULD THANK THAT TRUCK FOR
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HELPING HIM MAKE THE ONLY
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00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,927
WATCHABLE SKATE VIDEO.
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SKATEBOARDING WAS INVENTED BY
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MARTY McFLY.
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BACK THEN IT WAS COOL AND
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DANGEROUS.
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SKATING HAS YET TO GO MAINSTREAM
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BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH IT
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THEY CAN'T GET FUEL TV TO WATCH
227
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IT AND THEY SHOW WEIGHT INS.
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I WATCH X GAMES THE SAME REASON
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I WATCH BULLFIGHTING.
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I WANT TO SEE YOU DIE.
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A NOLLIE HEEL FLIP ISN'T
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DIFFERENT FROM SPEAKING KLINGON
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AND WATCHING STORM TROOPER
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COSTUMES.
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>> STORM TROOPERS DON'T SPEAK
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KLINGON.
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>> I GET IT.
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>> SKATING IS FOR CHILDREN.
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IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOE DEAL BY
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THE TIME YOU'RE 14 YOUR WINDOW
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IS CLOSED.
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THERE IS ZERO PERCENT CHANCE YOU
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WILL BE THE NEXT TONY HRAUBG.
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NO HOBIE CAN BE THAT GREAT IF
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YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY RAZOR
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SCOOTERS ALL DAY.
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THE ONLY TRICK ON A RAZOR
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SCOOTER IS GOING FIVE MINUTES
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WITHOUT HAVING YOUR SEXUALITY
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QUESTIONED.
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I LIKE SKATEBOARDERS ARE
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FEARLESS AND DO IT DOVER AND
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OVER WITHOUT GETTING IT RIGHT.
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SAME AS ANYONE DATING MATTHEW
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FOX.
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IT'S LIKE HOLLYWOOD WHERE DOING
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RAILS MEANS SOMETHING COMPLETELY
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DIFFERENT.
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NOW THIS WEEK'S WEBB REDEMPTION.
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>> WHAT'S UP, SIR.
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THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.
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>> IT'S NOT MY HOUSE.
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NOW GET IN HERE.
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THIS BOWL IS SO FRESH.
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>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM.
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>> BOSTON.
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>> WALK ME THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED
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IN THE VIDEO.
269
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,170
>> SKATING.
270
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,927
>> WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING
271
00:10:12,933 --> 00:10:13,603
ANYTHING ELSE.
272
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,000
>> NO, THAT WAS THE END.
273
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,930
>> IT ENDED ON TIME.
274
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,873
>> WHEN YOU GOT UP DID YOU
275
00:10:18,867 --> 00:10:20,067
CREDIT CALLING THE PHONE NUMBER
276
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:21,867
ON THE BACK OF THE TRUCK TO
277
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:23,297
REPORT HIS DRIVING?
278
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:23,930
>> NO.
279
00:10:23,933 --> 00:10:25,733
>> HOW FAR DID YOU FLY THROUGH
280
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,133
THE AIR.
281
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,573
>> APPROXIMATELY 25 FEET.
282
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:29,727
>> DID YOU EVER MEET THE GUY?
283
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,973
I'M SORRY DID YOU EVER MEET THE
284
00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:33,127
ASIAN WOMAN?
285
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,703
>> HE SCALED A AMBULANCE.
286
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:35,600
>> AND THEN LEFT.
287
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:36,670
>> PRETTY MUCH.
288
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,127
>> WOULD YOU BE SHOCKED IF HE
289
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:38,573
WAS HERE?
290
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:39,397
>> YES.
291
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:39,930
>> ME TOO.
292
00:10:39,933 --> 00:10:41,503
>> WHO WAS SUPPOSE TO BE
293
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,270
WATCHING FOR TRAFFIC.
294
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,127
>> NO ONE WAS BUT SOMEONE SHOULD
295
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,303
OF BEEN.
296
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,100
>> YOU WERE HOPING WHEN YOU FLEW
297
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:47,870
THROUGH A INTERSECTION THERE
298
00:10:47,867 --> 00:10:48,927
WOULD BE NO CARS.
299
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,573
>> I DID IT ONCE BEFORE AND I
300
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,097
WENT TO THE SIDEWALK.
301
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,400
I WENT INTO THE STREET THAT
302
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:54,700
TIME.
303
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:55,570
>> DID YOU GET HURT.
304
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,527
>> LITTLE BIT.
305
00:10:56,533 --> 00:10:57,473
CUTS AND BROWSES.
306
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:58,827
>> NO BROKEN BONES?
307
00:10:58,833 --> 00:11:00,403
>> NO BROKEN BONES.
308
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,730
>> DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
309
00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:02,503
>> YES.
310
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:03,800
>> DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?
311
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:04,430
>> YES.
312
00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:09,433
>> YOU VOTE IN THE LAST ELECTION
313
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:09,803
ELECTION.
314
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:10,570
>> ARE YOU VOTING THIS TIME.
315
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:11,427
>> YES.
316
00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,973
>> IT'S EXCITING.
317
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:14,667
YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT IN
318
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:14,967
THERE.
319
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:16,497
THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ASK
320
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:17,230
QUESTIONS.
321
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:18,873
>> DID YOUR PARENTS SEE THE
322
00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:19,197
VIDEO.
323
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:19,530
>> YES.
324
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,473
>> WHAT DID THEY THINK?
325
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:24,067
>> THEY DIDN'T REACT THE WAY I
326
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:24,867
THOUGHT THEY WOULD.
327
00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:26,897
>> HOW DID THEY REACT?
328
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:28,630
>> THAT WAS CRAZY.
329
00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:29,433
THEY DIDN'T FREAK OUT.
330
00:11:29,433 --> 00:11:32,073
>> WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT YOU
331
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:32,297
DEAD?
332
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,900
>> THIS IS WHAT I WOULD OF DONE.
333
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,500
I WOULD OF JUMPED OFF MY
334
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,730
SKATEBOARD OVER THE TRUCK.
335
00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:43,273
MY SKATEBOARD GO UNDERNEATH AND
336
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,467
JUMP ON THE BOARD.
337
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,127
>> A HIPPIE JUMP.
338
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:48,333
>> DID IT MAKE YOU WANT TO
339
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,633
SWITCH TO ROLLER BLADING.
340
00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:52,073
>> NO.
341
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:54,367
>> WHAT IS YOUR THOUGHT ON
342
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:55,597
ROLLER BLADERS?
343
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:56,630
>> HORRIBLE.
344
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,803
>> WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM.
345
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,070
>> FRUIT BOOTERS.
346
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:01,597
>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HATE
347
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:01,900
CRIME.
348
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,100
IS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE
349
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:03,930
HIT BY A CAR.
350
00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:04,503
>> YES.
351
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:08,370
>> IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
352
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,627
>> YES.
353
00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:11,273
>> GOOD DRIVER IN SNOW?
354
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:12,797
>> DRIVE SLOW.
355
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,730
>> YOU DO WHAT I DO, GET
356
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:18,303
YOURSELF A SUBARU OUTBACK.
357
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,070
>> HAVE YOU SKATED THE RAIL
358
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:20,367
SINCE.
359
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:20,667
>> NO.
360
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:22,727
>> YOU HAVE TO GET BACK ON THAT
361
00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:23,073
RAIL.
362
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:25,827
>> KIDS, HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO
363
00:12:25,833 --> 00:12:28,403
I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO QUIT
364
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,400
TRAINING BY POOL.
365
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,370
FILL IT UP OR I'M CALLING THE
366
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:32,697
POLICE.
367
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,130
YOU ALWAYS THIS ANGRY OLD MAN
368
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:37,433
HAWK.
369
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:37,873
>> LET'S.
370
00:12:37,867 --> 00:12:40,097
GO
371
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,930
[LAUGHING]
372
00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:45,603
*
373
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,270
*
374
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,167
>> WELCOME TO MY CHILDISH DREAM
375
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,597
FACTORY FOR YOUNG BOYS ONLY.
376
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,470
>> NOT LIKE THE FANTASY FACTORY.
377
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:56,227
>> NO.
378
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:59,703
IT'S MY OWN ORIGINAL IDEA I HAD
379
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,100
YEARS BEFORE HE DID.
380
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,800
I WAS TOO BUSY WITH OTHER
381
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,430
PROJECTS TO SEE IT THROUGH.
382
00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:06,233
IT IS AWESOME WITH EVERYTHING
383
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,803
YOU COULD WANT IF EVERYTHING YOU
384
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,270
WANT IS TO HANG OUT WITH
385
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:14,227
12-YEAR-OLD SHIRT LESS BOYS.
386
00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:15,603
SCOOTER, PLAY BASKETBALL.
387
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,600
MY FAVORITE THE PHONE PIT.
388
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,230
YOU GOING TO JUMP IN.
389
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:23,073
>> I WILL STICK TO SKATING.
390
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,567
>> SUIT YOURSELF.
391
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:26,267
I INSIST YOU DON'T WEAR A
392
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:26,597
HELMET.
393
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,730
THE BOYS LOOK UP TO YOU.
394
00:13:28,733 --> 00:13:31,303
IT'S IMPORTANT THEIR IDOL IS
395
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,700
COOL T-FPLTZ HOT IN HERE.
396
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:37,330
LET ME FIX YOU A DRINK.
397
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:38,903
[LAUGHING]
398
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,470
>> WHAT'S THAT?
399
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,497
>> JASON.
400
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,130
>> ALRIGHT, LAST CHANCE TO TAKE
401
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:48,073
THE SHIRT OFF.
402
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:48,567
LOOKS ITCHY .
403
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:49,827
>> I'M GOOD.
404
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:50,903
>> YOUR LOSS.
405
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:52,530
GO HAVE FUN WITH THE BOYS.
406
00:13:52,533 --> 00:13:54,233
THERE ARE NO CARS IN HERE.
407
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:57,373
YOU SHOULD BE PRETTY SAFE.
408
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:23,767
[BEEP]
409
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,127
>> OH, NO.
410
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,903
I SEE YOU MET MY PARTNER IN
411
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:28,370
CRIME.
412
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,797
YOU TOOK TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF
413
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,070
BALLS IN THE FACE.
414
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:34,067
YOU GOT SACKED.
415
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,127
THAT'S WHAT UP.
416
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:38,203
YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.
417
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,630
>> LUCKY FOR US BIG ZACH IS A
418
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:42,073
FAN OF THE SHOW AND WILLING TO
419
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,567
DRIVE IN FROM VEGAS.
420
00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:46,127
NOW WILL SOMEONE DO HIM A FAVOR
421
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:50,133
AND GET HIGH ON BATH SALTS AND
422
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:52,903
GNAW THAT THING OFF.
423
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,130
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
424
00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:56,303
FIRST LET'S CLOSE OUT THE AIR
425
00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:03,930
AS.OELOUT THEAERIOL
426
00:15:03,933 --> 00:15:05,073
>> DUDE.
427
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:11,067
>> PUT IT ON.
428
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:12,127
>>
429
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:15,103
>> HI, KICKSTARTERS.
430
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,330
WE'RE WRITERS, STUDENTS AND
431
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,073
ASPIRING MUSICIANS.
432
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:20,297
>> WE NEED YOUR HELP.
433
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:22,730
>> I NEED YOUR HELP MAKING MY
434
00:15:22,733 --> 00:15:24,373
FIRST MIXED TAPE POSSIBLE.
435
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:27,697
>> WE'RE MAKING A STEAM PUNK,
436
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:29,070
STEAM POWERED ARM.
437
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:31,527
>> I'M WORKING ON A LIFE SIZE
438
00:15:31,533 --> 00:15:35,303
MUMMY ON $200 OF McDONALD'S
439
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:35,600
FOOD.
440
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,070
>> LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD
441
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:37,367
TOGETHER.
442
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:39,767
>> IF A FEW DOLLARS MAKE YOUR
443
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:40,867
DREAMS COME TRUE.
444
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:43,897
YOU HAVE PATHETIC DREAMS.
445
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,270
THAT IS FROM KICKSTARTER.
446
00:15:46,267 --> 00:15:48,727
THE SITE IS FLOODED WITH BANDS,
447
00:15:48,733 --> 00:15:49,973
ARTISTS AND TWO THOUSAND PEOPLE
448
00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:52,467
WITH A DESIGNER JEANS LINE.
449
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,467
IT'S STUPID AND WORKS.
450
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:56,367
I HAVE DECIDED TO START MY OWN
451
00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:57,127
KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN.
452
00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:58,673
MY NAME IS DANIEL TOSH.
453
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,067
I'M A MEDIAN.
454
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:03,227
MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO BE
455
00:16:03,233 --> 00:16:05,433
EXTREMELY WEALTHY BUT I HAVE A
456
00:16:05,433 --> 00:16:06,773
HORRIBLE WORK ETHIC WITH.
457
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:08,527
THIS KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN I'M
458
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:12,073
ASKING YOU TO HELP ME BECOME THE
459
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:16,067
FIRST WORLD'S TRILLIONAIR.
460
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:18,597
I WILL PURCHASE THE MONA LISA
461
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,070
AND PUT THE BITCH THROUGH A
462
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,167
PAPER SLEDDER.
463
00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:26,067
I WILL BUY THE MIAMI DOLPHINS
464
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:28,327
AND GUARANTEE TIM TEBOW STARTS
465
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:29,073
EVERY GAME.
466
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:31,667
I WILL PURCHASE FACEBOOK AND
467
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,727
RENAME IT THE FACEBOOK.
468
00:16:33,733 --> 00:16:34,873
ONE MORE THING.
469
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:38,127
KEEP THE "IT" I LIKE IT THAT
470
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:40,433
WILL HELP THE WORTHLESS STOCK GO
471
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:40,773
LOWER.
472
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:45,297
I WILL SHUT DOWN INSTAGRAM.
473
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:48,330
I WILL CONVERT DISNEY WORLD INTO
474
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:50,833
A LUXURY RESORT FOR GAY WEDDINGS
475
00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:52,833
AND RENAME IT NORTH CAROLINA.
476
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:54,633
I WILL BYE EVERY TANG RAOEPB IN
477
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:57,233
THE WORLD SO NO WIN CAN HAVE A
478
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:57,633
TANGERINE.
479
00:16:57,633 --> 00:17:01,633
YOU DUMBA*GSS CAN WASTE YOUR
480
00:17:01,633 --> 00:17:04,333
TIME PEELING GIANT ORE ANGS.
481
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:05,873
THE MINIMUM DONATION IS TEN
482
00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:06,467
THOUSAND DOLLARS.
483
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,867
THERE IS NO MAXIMUM.
484
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:11,667
BY GIVING ME A TRILLION DOLLARS
485
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,897
YOU CAN BE COME A GOLD MEMBER.
486
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,370
YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO DONATE.
487
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,067
>> IF I GET THAT MONEY I WILL
488
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,397
NOT BE HERE NEXT WEEK.
489
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,370
DO THE RIGHT THING WITH YOUR
490
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:23,367
PARENT CREDIT CARD INFORMATION,
491
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:23,667
KIDS.
492
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,527
THE SECURITY CODE IS THE THREE
493
00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:27,403
DIGIT NUMBER ON THE BACK.
494
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,500
TO SEE MORE OF MY KICKSTARTER
495
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:33,830
HEAD OVER TO THE BLOG.
496
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,503
AND MAYBE YOU CAN BE A VIEWER
497
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,170
VIDEO WINNER.
498
00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:38,097
HERE IS THIS WEEKS.
499
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:42,130
>> GO FOR IT
500
00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:55,327
>> DID YOU JUST EAT THEM?
501
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:56,903
>> YA.
502
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:01,430
YES, I DID.
503
00:18:01,433 --> 00:18:03,273
>> LIKE I'M SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE
504
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:05,767
SHE MADE A PERFECT TOSS.
505
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,267
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
506
00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:08,097
MAKE ME LAUGH.
507
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:11,870
I HOPE THE MYSTERY COMIC IS GREG
508
00:18:11,867 --> 00:18:25,127
HAHN.
509
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:27,103
>> WELCOME BACK.
510
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,700
YOLO, THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS ARE
511
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:29,070
SAYING.
512
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:32,097
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, YOLO.
513
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,870
WHAT ABOUT HINDUS?
514
00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:37,227
I DON'T [BEEP] CARE ABOUT
515
00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:37,703
HINDUS.
516
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,570
NEXT WEEK WE GET THIS GUY PEPPER
517
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:41,197
SPRAYED AGAIN.
518
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,800
>> GET IT ALL OVER YOU.
519
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,430
TAKE IT IN THE MOUTH.
520
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:47,473
(SCREAMING )
521
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:49,827
>> I CAN'T BREATH!
522
00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:53,573
>> LOOKS LIKE NICE PROPERTY.
523
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:57,697
>> HE SHOULD LET HIS BUDDY PEE
524
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,800
ON THE FACE.
525
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,730
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING FOR THE
526
00:19:00,733 --> 00:19:03,073
STINGING BUT MAKES A BETTER
527
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:03,367
VIDEO.
528
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:05,697
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP
529
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:08,270
WITH THE BLOG AND CHECK OUT THE
530
00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:08,727
STORE.
531
00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:12,403
OUR NEW ANIMATED SHOW
532
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,930
BRICKLEBERRY IS COMING TO COMEDY
533
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:16,273
CENTRAL.
534
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:18,897
WE HAVE KAITLIN OLSON FROM
535
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:22,300
"ALWAYS SUNNY" SHE PLAYS A PARK
536
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:23,170
RANGER CALLED ETHEL.
537
00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:24,567
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HER?
538
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:27,067
>> I HAVE HAD ELEVEN ABORTIONS.
539
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,497
>> ARE YOU GETTING A FEEL FOR
540
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,370
THE TONE OF THE SHOW, KIDS.
541
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:32,327
>> FINALLY BEFORE WE GO I WOULD
542
00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:35,203
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT GOOGLES AUTO
543
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,370
COMPLETE FEATURE.
544
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,497
IF YOU TYPE "IS."
545
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:42,930
THE THIRD RESULT IS "IS DANIEL
546
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:44,073
TOSH GAY?
547
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,797
"THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS AN
548
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:46,500
ANSWER TOO.
549
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,800
LET IT GO MY LITTLE MONSTERS.
550
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,770
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
551
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:55,627
TYPE IN "CAN YOU."
552
00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:58,073
"CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM
553
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:58,327
[BEEP]?
554
00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:01,303
THE ANSWER IS A BIG YES.
555
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,930
OF ALL FORMS OF PRE THE MOST
556
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,573
POTENT AND TANGIEST.
557
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,897
IF YOU TYPE IN "WERE THERE."
558
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:11,900
HERE IS WHAT COMES UP:
559
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,200
WERE THERE BLACK PEOPLE ON THE
560
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,430
TITANNICS?
561
00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,403
WERE THEIR WHITE SLAVES?
562
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,300
WERE THEIR GAY PRESIDENTS?
563
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:25,300
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE COUNTRY,
564
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:26,670
THIS GREAT QUESTIONS.
565
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:29,367
LET'S DO THIS WITH IMAGES.
566
00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:31,897
IF YOU TYPE IN "PROBABLY SMELLS
567
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,170
KPWAD" WHAT DO YOU THINK THE
568
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:36,227
FIRST PICTURE IS?
569
00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:36,603
RIHANNA?
570
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,330
I WOULD LIKE TO GET HER STANK
571
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:40,003
ALL OVER ME.
572
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,030
IF YOU TYPE IN HAOPBD SO MANY
573
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:43,433
COMEDIANS.
574
00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:45,433
YOU GET 34 PAGES OF RESULTS AND
575
00:20:45,433 --> 00:20:47,233
I'M NOT ON A SINGLE ONE.
576
00:20:47,233 --> 00:20:48,373
THAT'S HORSE [BEEP].
577
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:49,767
MAYBE I NEED TO GET MORE
578
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:51,967
SPECIFIC WITH MY SEARCH.
579
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:54,097
SEXY WHITE COMEDIANS NAMED
580
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,670
DANIEL I'M FOURTH.
581
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:56,627
[LAUGHING]
582
00:20:56,633 --> 00:21:02,133
>> SO, IN CONCLUSION GOOGLE IS
583
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:04,073
GARBAGE AND I'M TANGING MY
584
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:05,367
BUSINESS TO BINGE.
585
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:05,897
GOOD NIGHT.
586
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:08,770
I HOPE YOU ENJOY ALL OF THE WORK
587
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,397
THAT WENT INTO THIS QUALITY
588
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:10,970
PRODUCTION.
589
00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:16,427
>> I SAW THOSE VIDEOS.
590
00:21:16,433 --> 00:21:20,603
>> IS THAT THE SAME HAT IN THE
591
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:20,900
VIDEO.
592
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:21,670
>> BOSTON.
593
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:22,397
>> CELTICS.
594
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,700
>> NO, RED SOX.
36211
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