Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] DING, DING,

DING, WE ARE BACK.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0 IT IS MY JOB

MAKING SURE YOU WATCH TV LIKE A

GOOD AMERICAN.

IL BE WEARING THICK KICKS.

FOR THE LADIES.

[SCREAMING].

EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS THE SHOE

THAT MAKES THE OUT FIT THESE

PUPPIES GLOW IN THE BARQUE

DARK.

>> THEY FIT IN THE POSITIONS

YOU A PAIR FOR YOURSELF

GO -- YOURSELF YOU CAN'T GET

THESE.

TONIGHT WE SMELL D I FIGHT FOR

GAY RIGHTS AND WE WATCH

TODDLERS

GET TO SECOND BASE.

EITHER HE IS MAKING A STATEMENT

ABOUT THE INEQUALITY BETWEEN

THE

CLASSES OR LIKE SMASHING HIS

METAL DONNING IN A COAT RACK.

BRAVO MY FRIEND, BRAVO.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW DINNER IS

READY AT TRAVOLTA'S HOUSE.

>> BEFORE WE GO FURTHER, I

WANT

TO TAKE A MOMENT TO TALK TO YOU

JOHN TRAVOLT A. 3 MASSEUSES

ACCUSED OF YOU JERKING THEM OFF

DURING A MASSAGE.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE

OPPORTUNITY TO COME ON MY SHOW

AND SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

I WILL STRIP DOWN AND GIVE YOU

A

COMPLETELY NUDE FULL SERVICE 2

HOUR HOT OIL SWEDISH MASSAGE

FREE OF CHARGE.

IF YOU WANT TO TIP THAT IS

FINE.

IF MY HANDS DON'T GET YOU

AROUSED YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE

STRAIGHTEST MAN ALIVE AND YOU

WILL HOLD MOST OF YOUR STRESS

IN

THE CROUCH REGION I WILL

NOBODYING US ON THAT AREA THE

WHOLE TIME THE BALL'S IN YOUR

COURT, JOHN.

HERE IS A NOT SO BRIGHT IDEA.

>> FIRST WORLD RECORD ATTEMPT

BREAKING 575 WAT LIGHT BULBS

OVER NIE HEAD.

>> I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT THE

FIRST TIME HE DISAPPOINTED HIS

MOM.

>> IT IS A SHAME BREAKING THAT

RECOVERIED TURNED HIS WHOLE

LIFE

AROUND.

FOR NOT USING COMP PACT

FLORESENT BULBS.

YEA THAT SCAR WILL NOT BE

HIGHLY

VISIBLE.

[LAUGHTER].

SEEMS JOE CAMEL'S UNHEALTHY 4R6

STYLE CAUGHT UP TO HIM.

>> A BEER BOLTH YOU CAN EAT

KOORS HAS OUT DONE ITSELF.

SWALLOWING GLASS IS GOOD FOR

ANIMAL'S DIGESTION.

THANK GOODNESS.

REDEEM YOUR BOLTH I THABL IS

WORTH 5 REAMS.

I LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IS THE

SAME HAIRCUT MIKE MEYERS HAD

FOR

20 YEARS.

SOCCER REALLY WAS THE BEAUTIFUL

GAME HOOLIGANS WOULD NOT PUT ON

PUPPET SHOWS TO STAY AWAKE.

[LAUGHTER] MADAGASCAR 3 LOOKS

EDGY.

THIS IS ALSO WHY THAT LION

ATTACKED SIGFREED.

I CAN'T SEE THE GAME COULD YOU

PUT DOWN YOUR GIANT DONNING

SIGN?

I WAS IN THE VISITOR SECTION OF

THAT GAME AND LET ME TELL YOU

WE

DID NOT TAKE KINDLY TO THEIR

TAUNTS.

>> I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THE

SPORTERS ARE MY LEAST FAVORITE

MINOR LEAGUE CLUB.

NOW, WHO WANTS TO SEE A LEG

BREAK?

WE CAN SHIP IT.

OR SO YOU DO, YOU WILL SEE A 15

YEAR OLD GIRL WITH A BICYCLE

HAND BRAKE STUCK IN HER LEG,

SHOW IT.

THE TOUR DEMEMPHIS CLAIMS

ANOTHER VICTIM.

LADY THIS IS IS WHY WE INVENTED

STATIONARY BIKES FOR YOU.

ON THE UP SIDE YOU GOT A GREAT

NEW PLACE TO STASH YOUR CHAP

STICKS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE BROUGHT A 12

TON BUS TO A SWORD FIGHT.

NOW WE WILL SEE IF HE WILL PASS

THROUGH IT LIKE BILL COSBY IN

GHOST DAD IN THIS WEEK'S BREAK

DOWN.

WELCOME TO ANOTHER STUPID

COLLEGE DIVISION AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 8 AND 5

SEASON MEANS DRUNK STUDENTS

ATTACKING EACH OTHER BRAVE

HEART

STYLE.

TEXAS IS PEN STATE WITHOUT THE

DIRTY SUMMER CAMP.

THERE IS SOMETHING AWFULLY

FAMILIAR ABOUT THAT ONE BLACK

GUY THERE.

[LAUGHTER].

HOLD THE BEATS IS THAT OBAMA?

COME ON, MAN, YOU CAN'T DRESS

LIKE OUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT

IN GEORGE W.'S FIRST BACKYARD

THAT IS MORE THREATENING THAN A

HOODY.

IF I WERE BLACK NEXT TO A PACK

OF WHITE SOUTHERN GUYS I WOULD

NOT WAIT FOR THE WALK SIGNAL

EITHER MUCH THE PRK PROBLEM

WITH

WEARING MASKS IS IT KILLS YOUR

PERATIVE VISION.

>> TEXAS IS WHERE ALL

PRESIDENTS GO TO GET MURDERED.

TIME TO SWEAR IN FAKE JOE

BIDON.

AT LEAST HE MADE PROGRESS 50

YEARS HE WOULD HAVE TO GET HIT

BY THE BACK OF THE BUS.

YAY!

HE IS ALIVE HANG IN FOR 3

MONTHS

TO GET AN OBAMA APPROVED DOCTOR

TO SEE YOU.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE WEB

REDEPOSITION BUT FIRST I HOPE

FOR YOUR SAKE HE SDNLT MAKE

BAIL.

>> I WILL GET YOU --

[APPLAUSE]

[SINGING]

>> FIND OUT IF YOUR MAN HAS

BEEN JOGGING THAT BONER BLOOD

HOUND WAS SING THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL BALLAD THE WORLD HAS

EVER KNOWN SMELL YO DICK.

HOW ABOUT CHECKING HIS TEXT

WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP LIKE A

NORMAL PSYCHO.

THE REAL PROBLEM IS CHEATING IT

IS MONOGAMY EVERY MANMENTS TO

CHEAT IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS

FAITHFUL KNOW HE IS MISERABLE.

I'M SORRY I DID WHAT EVOLUTION

PROGRAMMED ME TO DO ATTRACTED

TO SOMEONE YOU SHARED A

BATHROOM WITH FOR 20 YEARS

SWANS MEAT FOR LIFE BECAUSE

THEY HAVE TINY BRAINS AND ALL

GIRL SWANS HAVE THE SAME SIZED

TITS.

MARY CHEATED ON JOSEPH WITH GOD

AND THAT WORKED OUT WELL FOR

ALL OF US AND CHEATING CREATED

A DEL IF YOU ARE DATING A GIRL

THAT IS SING PLEASE, SCREW

AROUND ON HER SO WE WILL HAVE A

BEAUTIFUL SONG TO CRY TO NEXT

YEAR.

I STILL WANTED TO MAKE THE

NEWEST TOSH PNT HO THIS WEEK'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

I'M HERE SORRY I'M LATE.

TRAFFIC WAS A BITCH.

>> TRAFFIC?

>> LET ME SMELL YOUR --

>> YOU KNOW ERIC BIG BABY HE

CALLED ME I HAVE A SONG I NEED

TO YOU GET ON, I'M LIKE, OKAY,

WHAT IS IT ABOUT.

>> HOW OLD IS THAT SONG.

6 YEARS I WAS 17.

>>YOU WERE 17 WHEN YOU WERE --

17 YEARS OLD AND THAT IS

SOMETHING NO ONE MENTSS TO TALK

ABOUT BUT IT IS TRUE.

WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT ASKING A

17 YEAR OLD GIRL TO SMELL YOUR

DICK.

I DIDN'T ASK HER TO SMELL MINE.

>> SHE WAS 17 AND ABOUT TO TURN

18.

WOMEN HAVE GUYS AND THEY COME

HOME LATE YOU CALL AND TEXT AND

THEY DON'T ANSWER WHEN THEY GET

BACK YOU SAY, LET ME SMELL YOUR

DICK.

YOU SMELL A MAN'S PENIS

>> YES.

YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT.

>> I NEVER CHEATED ON A GIRL.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

>> IF I DON'T WANT TO BE A

RELATIONSHIP I'M HONEST AND I

GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

>> OKAY.

I THROW THAT DICK EVERY WHERE.

[LAUGHTER].

>> THIS SONG COME FROM A

PERSONAL PLACE, HAD YOU BEEN

CHEATING ON SOMEONE?

I HAVE CHEATED.

>> HAVE THEY ASKED TO SMELL

YOUR DICK.

>> WHAT DOES A CHEATING DICK

SMELL LIKE?

>> YOU HAVE TO ASK A DICK

SMELLER.

>> WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I COME

HOME AT 4 IN THE MORNING AND MY

GIRLFRIENDMENTS TO SMELL MY

DICK WHAT SHOULD I DO.

>> DON'T COME HOME.

>> THEY DID 4 VERSIONS YOU DID

A CLEAN VERSION.

ONE IS CALLED SMELL YOUR NIC.

>> SMELL YOUR WEENY.

>> THEY WANT TO KNOW THE REAL

STUFF.

>> I GOTCHA.

SMELL YOUR GOO GUN.

DISCO STICK.

SMELL YOUR 1 EYED WORM.

>> NO.

>> WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE WITH

THE SMELL OF A NUT CANNON AND

THE BALLS.

>> WHAT IS THE NUT CANNON,

>> YOUR DICK.

>> DEPENDSES IF YOU ARE SISHG

UP SIZED YOU HAVE ALL THAT FAT

LEFT OUT WHATEVER.

>> THAT'S WHAT CARRIES THE

SMELL THE BALLS.

>> YOU NEED TO HOLD THEM.

YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T WANT YOU

HOLDING THEM IT GIVES YOU TOO

MUCH POWER.

[LAUGHTER].

>> YOUR SONG IS A MASTERPIECE

AND I THINK IT SDERSS THE

UTMOST RESPECT.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE A

PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME?

>> MOST DEFINITELY.

KWLEER CLEAR

[APPLAUSE] [SINGING] [MUSIC]

MRAUS MRAUS

>> [APPLAUSE] SPECIAL THANKS

TO THE WONDERFUL PARENT WHO IS

LET THEIR CHILDREN SING ABOUT

DICK ON MY SHOW.

BEFORE WE GO HERE IS YU DON'T

LET THE ROOKIE TERRORIST USE

THE BAZOOKA.

>> DON'T GO GAY IT IS NOT

HEALTHY

>> ANY CRAZY WOMAN CAN BLAB ON

HOW WRONG SHE THINKS THE GAYS

ARE.

I'M A CITY COULD YOU THINK MAN

FOR NEBRASKA.

>> INTO THE ANUS TO RUPTURE

INTEST EYEWITNESS.

SPELL PENIS AND NOT ANUS.

>> MORE A MAN DOES IS MORE

LIKELY HE WILL BE A FATALITY OR

HOMICIDER.

>> AFTER ANNAL I'M TOO TIRED.

>> WITHOUT CLOTHE IN A BATHTUB

EVERY ONE FOUND WITHOUT CLOTHES

HAS A PARTNER WHO DID AWAY WITH

HIM.

THAT PARTNER IS COCAINE.

GAYS RARELY LIVE PAST 40

BECAUSE IT IS COMMON FOR A

PARTNER TO DO AWAY WITH THEM OR

THEY SELF INFLICT.

>> YOU HAVE TO STOP THAT IS

NOT TRUE THERE ARE PLENTY OF

OLD GAYS, SEE VINCENT.

WHAT ARE YOU 60.

>> ANUS LICKING CAUSES SEPSIS.

>> DO YOU CONSIDER THAT PART

OF THE ANUS?

A DARKER BROWN AREA.

>> HIGH PERCENT OF GAY MEN IN

SCHOOL GROUNDS MOLEST BOYS

PARTLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE

AIDS YET.

>> LESS CHANCE OF AIDS, GOT

IT.

>> BE ON THE SIDE OF THE

INNOCENT BOY.

>> IF YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING

I WILL ASK TO COME BACK FOR A

PRIVATE MEETING WITH ME AND

VINCENT.

>> FUNGUS GROSS HUGELY ON A

CORPS.

AIDS CAN BE A FUNGUS DISEASE.

KISSED BY A HOMO WHO TRIED TO

SABOTAGE JESUS' KIND IDEAS.

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.

>> A THIRD OPTION?

THROW A CHICKEN IN THE MIX.

THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH HAPPY

GILLMORE'S GRANDMA IS SHE IS

NOT A RESIDENT OF LINCOLN.

BUNCH OF HOMO PHOBES THERE.

GOT 2 VIEWERS LOSING THEIR

MINDS, I DON'T THINK THAT IS

TRUE.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

TO BE A VIEWER VIDEO THIS

WEEK'S WINNER IS FROM JIM AND

ANTHONY KING.

WHY ARE DRAWING ME.

>> I DON'T SEE WHAT THE FUSS

IS B. WE WILL BE BACK WITH

MORE.

WELCOME BACK THANK YOU FOR ALL

YOUR BIRTHDAY WISHES.

GOOD NEWS THE TOSH BRAND IS

GROWING ON SEPTEMBER 25TH I

WILL HAVE MIAN MATED SHOW.

BRICKEL BERRY.

I PLAY A CUTE BEAR CUB NAMED

MALOI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HIM.

I GOT RAPED.

I HAVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE A LOT

OF RANGE AS A VOICE ACTOR.

A SKATE BOARDER KID GETS A WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> AND THAT IS HOW YOU GLEAM

THE CUBE.

IS TWITTER STILL AROUND?

FOLLOW ME ON THAT.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, CAN'T

WAIT FOR THAT THING TO GO

PUBLIC.

I GOT IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR,

CHECK OUT OUR STORE WHILE WE

WERE GONE PEOPLE WERE CREEPED

OUT BY TIME'S COVER WITH A 5

YEAR OLD BOY SUCKING ON HIS

MAMA'S TIT THAT HE IS IMMATURE.

BREAST FEEDING IS A NATURAL AND

BEAUTIFUL ACT IT STRENGTHENS

THE BOND WITH MOTHER AND CHILD

AND BREAST FEEDING IS A

LOOPHOLE FOR GETTING MELONS ON

COMEDY CENTRAL.

[MUSIC] SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR