Original subtitles

>> TOSH.0 FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET.

ENJOY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> NOTHING GETS A CROWD GOING

LIKE THROWING A GIRL IN A

WHEELCHAIR OFF A BRIDGE.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

THIS IS OUR LAST EPISODE BEFORE

WE GO ON SPRING BREAK.

TO MARK THE OCCASION WE ARE NOT

DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL.

AND NO THESE AREN'T LONG JOHNS.

THE HIGHEST OF FASHION.

I TELL YOU WHAT WE DID WITH THE

MONEY FROM THE MEMORABILIA DUMP.

I SHOVED STUFF IN MY BOY'S MOUTH

AND PUT THE FUTURE OF THE SHOW

IN YOUR INCOMPETENT HANDS.

NOW LET'S SEE IF SHE FEELS

ANYTHING THIS TIME.

I BET SHE GOT TO SKIP TO THE

FRONT OF THE LINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT DOESN'T SEEM AS EXTREME

WITHOUT THE RISK OF PARALYSIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW SHE'S CRAPPING HER BAG

RIGHT NOW.

BOUGHT THAT BUNGEE GROUPON

BEFORE THE CAR ACCIDENT.

DID YOU SEE THE NEW TRAILER FOR

THE AVENGERS MOVIE?

**

[ LAUGHTER ]

AH, THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO WORK

OUT THE KINKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY SPIDEY SENSE TELLS ME HE'S

SLINGING MORE THAN WEBS AT THIS

THROWDOWN.

I HOPE THE DAILY BUGLE DOESN'T

GET ANY SHOTS OF THIS.

THE CRIME FIGHTERS WERE PROBABLY

IN THE AREA ANYWAYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S A SHOT.

AN ADULT THAT STILL HANGS OUT IN

SKATE PARKS IS A BAD PARENT.

SHH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

QUIT CRYING OR YOUR MOM WILL

MAKE YOU PLAY SOCCER FOR THE

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

SKATEBOARDING ISN'T A CRIME BUT

KILLING TODDLERS IS.

WAY TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR ONE

UNSUPERVISED WHACKED MONTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T BE SURPRISED IF CHILD

SERVICES IS NEXT TO DROP IN.

HEY, SUPERMARKET, QUIT HIDING

YOUR BATHROOMS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AS JOYED THAT VIDEO STARTED OUT

SO SEXY AND THEN GOT EVEN

HOTTER.

AT LEAST FIND THE COMMON SENSE

TO POO IN THE TOILET PAPER

AISLE.

THANKS AVTIVIA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

SURE YOU PAY EXTRA TO WHOLE

FOODS BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU

NEVER SEE THERE?

HUMAN BLEEP IN FROVENT PICKLES.

THIS NEXT VIDEO WILL NOT HELP

THIS GIRL'S SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.

DO THEY NOT HAVE SOFTBALL IN HER

TOWN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SPRING BOARDS CAN ONLY DO SO

MUCH.

THEY'RE NOT MAGIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE SHOULD USE A CANNON.

A REALLY BIG, POWERFUL CANNON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE DESERVES POINTS FOR FITTING

INTO THAT LEOTARD.

>> OH NATION OF INGLE WOOD.

ALWAYS UP TO NO GOOD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

SPOIL ALERT.

NO KID HAS EVER WON ANYTHING

WITH A T-SHIRT TUCKED INTO HIS

PANTS.

I'M NO FIGHT EXPERT BUT I THINK

WE HAVE A MISMATCH.

LET'S WATCH THE CLASSIC BATTLE

OF DAVID VERSUS D'ANDRE IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

FUJITS

FUJITSSU IS A GREAT WAY TO BUILD

CHARACTER.

IF THE WHITE DON'T WIN, WE ALL

JUMP IN.

NO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS DIDN'T LEARN THAT HATE

CHANT AS A KID?

THANKS, MOM.

FIRST FIGHT EVER SHOULDN'T BE

AGAINST BILLY BLANKS JR.

I WOULD BNT SURPRISED IF THAT

TINY MARINE HAD PUBES ALREADY.

NOTHING MAKES YOU LOOK WHITER

THAN SCREWING UP A HANDSHAKE

WITH A BLACK DUDE.

LET THE BOYS BE BOYS?

APPARENTLY SEAN PAYTON IS STILL

COACHING DURING HIS SUSPENSION.

LOOK AT THE HOUSE CHORE THAT

DEFENDS AGAINST THAT MOVE,

MIAGI.

GOT THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM

ALONG WITH ANY DREAMS OF MAKING

HIS FATHER PROUD.

THAT IS THE FACE OF A KID THAT

WILL BE DEVOTING THE REST OF HIS

LIFE TO SCI-FI NOVELS.

OR MAYBE THE KLAN.

GOOD NEWS.

YOU'RE STILL GETTING A

PARTICIPATION RIBBON F IT WILL

FIT OVER YOUR NECK BRACE.

I'M JUST GLAD IF THERE EVER IS A

RACE WAR, IT WON'T LAST LONG.

I'M TAPPING OUT IMMEDIATELY.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE RESULTS

OF THE MEMORABILIA DUMP.

BUT FIRST, NEW YORK CITY, THE

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.

THE ENERGY, HUH?

NO.

IT'S THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE NEW

YORK CITY SUCH A GREAT PLACE.

>> I BET YOU BEAT UP LEMONS,

TOO.

YOU'RE A BATTERER.

>> YOU'RE A LIAR.

>> YOU'RE A BATTERER.

YOU'RE A BATTERER.

AH!

AH!

>> YOU WANT TO HIT ME?

>> GO AHEAD, HIT ME!

HIT ME THE WAY YOU HIT YOUR

WIFE!

>> DANIEL, WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON

DOING WITH THIS STUFF?

>> I DON'T KNOW.ñ

Pá

DO MOST

DTQ)

SHOWS DO?

PUT IT IN STORAGE?

>> BLEEP THAT.

>> PUT IT ON EBAY.

MAKE A KILLING.

>> I JUST ADDED IT UP.

THE AUCTION MADE US $24,199.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WHAT CHARITY IS IT GOING TO

GO TO?

>> THE CHARITY OF OUR WALLET.

HOLD ON.

WAIT WAIT WAIT.

WHAT'S COOLER THAN $24,199?

$48,000 AND SOME CHANGE.

LET'S TAKE TO IT VEGAS.

ONE HAND OF BLACK JACK.

DOUBLE OR NOTHING.

>> VEGAS!

VEGAS!

VEGAS!

>> THE SAFEST INVESTMENT IN THIS

ECONOMY IS THE BLACK JACK TABLE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THE GOOD

KIND OF AUTISM TO WIN ONE HAND.

WE HELD OUR MEMORABILIA DUMP FOR

A GOOD CAUSE.

WE RAISED ALMOST $25,000.

BUT THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY ISN'T

GONNA MAKE A DENT IN ANY REAL

CHARITY.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO TAKE IT

TO LAS VEGAS.

I LOVE VEGAS.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.

I HATE IT.

IT WOULD BE A GREAT TOWN IF NONE

OF YOU GREEDY PEOPLE EVER WENT

THERE.

THE ONLY PEOPLE MORE DESPERATE

FOR MONEY ARE IN THE CAST OF

AMERICAN REUNION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FIVE YEARS AGO LAS VEGAS WAS THE

FASTEST GROWING CITY IN THE

COUNTRY.

NOW IT'S BACK TO BEING AMERICA'S

ASHTRAY.

BACKED WITH CHAIN SMOKING

GRANDMAS AND FAT GUYS IN NFL

JERSEYS THAT ALL CAME HERE ON A

SOUTHWEST FLIGHT FROM HOUSTON.

THEY SAY THE REAL VEGAS IS OFF

THE STRIP.

I HAVE BEEN OFF THE STRIP.

IT'S A FLAT BORING SUBURB IN A

120 DEGREE DESERT.

THANKS BUT I'LL STICK TO THE

FANTASY LAND OF LAS VEGAS

BOULEVARD.

THERE'S SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY.

FAKE PARIS, FAKE ITALY, FAKE

TITS, REAL DEPRESSION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WAIT IN LINE ALL NIGHT TO

GET INTO CLUBS LIKE TRYST JUST

TO LISTEN TO A DEEJAY WHO GIVES

A BLEEP.

THEY SHOULD GIVE THE CLUBS

HONEST NAMES LIKE MOUTH HERPES.

NEVER VACATION IN A TOWN WHERE

THE PORN INDUSTRY HOLDS AN AWARD

SHOW.

I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP IN THE

WINNER OF BEST NEW THINGS SHOVED

IN HIS BLEEP.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH BLEACH TO

SANITIZE THAT BATHROOM.

VEGAS IS THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN

STILL CATCH POLIO.

MY SYSTEM IS, I PERFORM IN SOLD

OUT VENUES.

BUT YOU WILL LOSE A LOT.

ONLY THING IS FOR ENOUGH MONEY,

EVERY GIRL'S A PROSTITUTE.

THAT BEING SAID, LAS VEGAS IS

STILL THE BEST PLACE TO GO IF

YOU WANT TO DOUBLE $25,000.

SO I TOOK ALL THE MONEY YOU

THOUGHT YOU WERE GIVING TO

CHARITY AND TOOK MY STAFF TO

VEGAS TO PLAY ONE HAND OF BLACK

JACK.

SHUFFLE UP AND DEAL.

IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

>> YOU WANT TO COME IN RIGHT

NOW?

>> YES.

I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN RIGHT

NOW.

>> WOW.

YOU WANT THAT?

>> CHIP.

>> $2500.

$2500.

12,500 OKAY.

$24,199.

>> PERFECT.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> WHAT'S THE TABLE MIN?

>> $5.

>> OKAY.

>> THIS YOURS?

ALL RIGHT.

>> OH.

THAT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL.

>> OKAY.

OH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SOFT 17.

YOU WANT TO HIT?

>> YES, PLEASE.

>> OKAY.

>> 15.

>> I'M GONNA TAKE A HIT.

>> NOW NO GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

>> HIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I AM SORRY.

>> COCKTAILS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> IF I HAD WON, I WOULD HAVE

BUILT A SCHOOL FOR THESE NEEDY

CHILDREN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SORRY, KIDS.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

GET STREET SMART.

OR DIRT ROAD SMART.

WHATEVER YOU HAVE OVER THERE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST, IF SNOW BOARDS WANT

WAR, SKIERS WILL GIVE THEM WAR.

>> HOLY BLEEP.

HOLY BLEEP.

>> OH!

>> YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT

HAVING A STAFF IS MAKING THEM DO

WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

MY FAVORITE EMPLOYEE TO MESS IS

ANDREW.

I HAVE BEEN FORCING HIM TO EAT

UNPLEASANT STUFF ON CAMERA ALL

SEASON LONG.

>> I'M ABOUT TO EAT ONE AND A

HALF.

OH.

THIS IS WARM BAKING SODA.

>> YOU'RE IN THE HOME STRETCH.

>> HAZELNUT FLAVOR.

>> STUFFED JERKY.

>> A FIG NUT BREAD?

>> NO, NO.

>> THOSE ARE TWO THINGS PEOPLE

DON'T LIKE.

>> CHICKEN HEAD.

>> OH, OH.

>> DOESN'T SMELL GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

>> THIS IS THE WORST THING I

HAVE EVER EATEN.

>> AH.

THIS IS BURNING MY EYES.

>> THAT'S ALL FAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, GOD.

>> OH, OH.

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> YOUR FINAL THING YOU HAVE TO

DRINK IS THE ONE THING NBC'S

FEAR FACTOR WOULD NOT LET THEM

DO.

THAT IS DRINK HORSE BLEEP.

DRINK IT STRAIGHT.

SO WE DO HAVE ICE TEA.

WE HAVE HALF ICE TEA, HALF HORSE

BLEEP.

>> HALF.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T

DO IT.

>> IF ANDREW LOOKED FAMILIAR

HE'S THE ONE I TOLD YOU ABOUT

WHO WAS RAPED AS A BOY ON A

CRUISE SHIP.

NOW I REMEMBER HIM.

LUCKY FOR US COMEDY CENTRAL IS

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, HE WAS BEING A

REAL PUSSY ABOUT CHUGGING THAT.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING I WASN'T

PROUD OF.

DO IT.

I UNDERSTAND A HOT DOG.

THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO.

OKAY.

DRINK IT.

LET'S GO.

IF YOU TAKE A SIP, CHUG THE

REST.

>> CHUG THE REST.

>> OH, GOD.

>> GOOD?

>> THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

I HATE TEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HALF LEMONADE, THAT WOULD

HAVE BEEN BEEN REFRESHING.

DON'T FORGET TO LOOK AT OUR

BLOG, CHANCE FOR OUR VIEWER

VIDEO.

THIS WINNER COMES TO US FROM THE

SECOND CITY.

WELCOME EVERYONE.

AS YOU KNOW TODAY IS OUR ANNUAL

COMPANY OUTING.

CHRISTOPHER'S GAY.

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SEEMS LIKE A SMALL COMPANY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

PRETEND TIME.

>> WELCOME BACK TO MAGIC

JOHNSON'S TOSH.0.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE LAST LOOK AT THIS HIGH

FASHION.

WHO KNOWS WHAT I'LL BE SPORTING

THIS SUMMER.

NEXT WEEK I'LL BE IN ONE OF YOUR

CRAPPY TOWNS LIVE, FOLLOW ME ON

TWITTER OR BLOG.

WE'LL CONTINUE TO BE UPDATED

DURING OUR BREAK.

OUR STORE WILL NOT.

BEFORE WE GO I'M EXCITED TO

INTRODUCE TO YOU A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED LIGHTLY TOUCHING WILL'S

STOMACHS WHILE THEY'RE SITTING

DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

THIS IS WHERE YOU SNEAK UP

BEHIND WOMEN WHO ARE SITTING

DOWN AND LIGHTLY PUT YOUR HAN ON

THEIR STOMACH.

MAKE SURE SHE'S AWARE THAT YOU

ARE IN FACT FEELING A ROLL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, GUYS.

DURING OUR BREAK I NEEDED YOU TO

FILM YOURSELF LIGHTLY TOUCHING

WOMEN'S STOMACH.

BE CAREFUL.

THEY LIKE TO PRETEND THEY DON'T

LOVE IT.

WHEN A TV SHOW IS ABOUT TO BE

CANCELLED FANS SOMETIMES START

CAMPAIGN TO SAVE IT BY SENDING

STUPID STUFF INTO THE NETWORK.

THEY SENT IN PENIS, ON REAPER

THEY SENT IN SOCKS, SOME SENT IN

SKITTLES.

UNFORTUNATELY THERE'S NO DANGER

OF THAT HAPPENING TO THIS SHOW.

JUST TAKING A BREAK FOR A FEW

WEEKS.

I WANT MY VACATION TO BE LONGER.

MUCH LONGER.

I'M STARTING A CAMPAIGN AGAINST

TOSH.0 CANCEL.

HERE'S COMEDY CENTRAL'S ADDRESS.

I WANT YOU TO START MAILING THEM

CHEESE.

YEAH, CHEESE.

ANY KIND YOU WANT.

SEND THEM A WHEEL, A WEDGE, A

CUBE.

THE SMELLIER THE BETTER.

IF I DON'T COME BACK IT'S

BECAUSE YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH.

AND A SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL THE

DESIGNERS WHOSE OUTFITS I MADE

LOOK SO AMAZING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> SOME OF THIS IS JUST USELESS

JUNK.

OUR FANS ARE USELESS JUNK.

THEY'LL PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR THIS

CRAP.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?