Original subtitles

>> VIDEOS FROM THE INTERNET AND

INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

>> OH JESUS.

>> GET UP.

WOE.

[APPLAUSE].

[LAUGHTER].

WHAT WILL THAT KONY GUY DO NEXT?

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

IF YOU ENJOY THE SHOW SEND ME

$5.

MY SPRING COLORS ARE BROUGHT TO

YOU BY E TRO.

WE TALK TO A THIRD GRADE ER AND

HER HUSBAND AND SEE HOW HARD

CORE YOU CAN PAR CORE.

WATCH THAT STAIR MAST ER AGAIN.

THAT IS A GOOD GRAB, NOW MOP UP

YOUR SPINAL FLUID.

HE DID REACH THE FORYEAH IN

RECORD TIME.

DRUNK GAMES ARE WAY BETTER THAN

"HUNGER GAMES."

THAT JOKE IS FOR THE SEVEN GIRLS

THAT WATCH THIS SHOW.

WHO DOESN'T LIKE GOING TO A

RAVE?

* * *

I GIVE BLACK PEOPLE THE SAME

LOOK WHEN THEY WILL HAVE AT

KEVIN HEART.

HE IS PROBABLY AS HUNGRY.

TO KIDS A SPY SENT TO STEAL MORE

OF THE WHITE MAN'S SWEET DANCE

MOVES.

LET'S GIVE A STANDING OVATION TO

THIS BOOTY CLAP.

ALL RIGHT.

BECKY IS GOING TO LOSE HER GOD

DAM MIND.

BUT BE CAREFUL, STARING IT AT

FOR AN EXTENDING PERIOD OF TIME

CAN CAUSE RAGING BONERS.

* * *

[LAUGHTER].

IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE SAME

BLACK KID, YOU ARE RACIST.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE BLAKE

GRIFFIN TRY THIS.

>> ALL RIGHT HOLD ON.

WHICH ONE OF THOSE TINY JUMPS

GIVES HIM ANYVED?

NOT EVEN PROSILK CAN OVERCOME

BEING WHITE.

>> I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT IS

BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN THE NEW

THREE STOOJS MOVIE.

I AM STARTING TO GATHER HORSES

DON'T LIKE GETTING HIT.

* * *

TEXTBOOK SUPLEX ON JUAN VALDEZ.

COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE, THE

BRONCOS COULD HAVE TRADED HIM TO

THE JETS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CANCELLED

LUCK.

WE SHOW HUMANS DYING EVERY WEEK,

YOU KNOW WHY WE DON'T GET

CANCELLED?

WE DON'T SHOW IT.

THAT IS THE FORMULA.

WHAT IS NEXT?

ANY TIME SOMEONE BACK HANDS A

BEER LIKE THAT THERE IS A GOOD

CHANCE THEY ARE ABOUT TO SPEND

THE NIGHT IN JAIL.

LET'S FIND OUT IF HE IS A GOOD

TIPPER IN WEEK'S BREAK DOWN.

THIS IS THE A CASINO IN THE

CZECH REPUBLIC.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD CASINOS,

I THOUGHT IT WAS WALL TO WALL

ETHNIC CLEANSING.

NEVER TRUST ANYONE THAT BUTTONS

THEIR TOP BUTTON OR THE PRING

GEL GUYS MUSTACHE ON TOP

FOREHEAD.

THAT IS THE MURDER GRIP.

TO PULL OFF A HEIST IN VEGAS, TO

ROB ONE OVER THERE YOU NEED A

BIG BEER.

PC IS SOAKED.

POWER DOWN AND GET THAT THING IN

A BAG OF UNCOOKED RICE, YOU ARE

WELCOME.

HIS HEAD GOT CHRISTENED.

KIND OF IRONIC HE SOLD THE GUY

HIS OWN ASSAULT WEAPON.

TECHNICALLY THAT MAKES HIM AN

ACCOMPLICE.

MAYBE THIS IS UNDERCOVER BOSS

CZECH REPUBLIC AND PISSED THEY

ARE WATCHING VIDEOS ON THE

COMPANY DIME.

IT IS FRUSTRATING.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU STOLE FIVE

YEAR ROWS.

BASICALLY YOU JUST HIT A GUY

OVER THE HEAD FOR -- AND

GIGGLES.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH THE WEB WE REDEMPTION.

FIRST HERE IS FAT PEOPLE DOING

THINGS.

>> I THINK HITTING THE CLIFF ON

THE WAY DOWN, THAT IS ZACH.

SPRING BREAK IS A TRADITION

WHERE STUDENTS CHUG LIQUOR.

IT IS LIKE A MORMON MISSION FOR

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T BEEN

BRAINWASHED.

COLLEGE STUDENTS NEED A BREAK

FROM THEIR YEAR OF DRINKING AND

PARTYING.

YOU NEED A PAIR OF SHADES,

RUBBERS AND NINE OTHERS TO SHARE

-- THE MINUTE I PULL OUT MY

DNB'S, I AM A REGISTERED SEX

OFFENDER.

IF YOU DON'T BUILD A GOOD BASE

FOR SKIN CANCER, YOUR SPRING

BREAK WAS LAME.

A FATHER SHOULD NEVER PAY FOR

HIS DAUGHTER'S SPRING BREAK.

YOU CAN'T STOP YOUR DAUGHTER

FROM BEING A WHORE.

AVOID BEING THE LEAD STORY ON

NANCY GRACE.

NOW GET BACK TO YOUR DORM AND

PRAY FOR YOUR PERIOD.

ZACH WAS TRYING TO PARTY LIKE A

ROCK STAR.

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

ZACH, NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

>> THANK YOU, NOT TO TOUCH ME.

I AM WEIRD WITH HEIGHTS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT

HAPPENED?

>> MY FRIEND TOLD ME IT WAS

CLIFF DIVING.

DEVIL'S PUNCH BOWL.

I SAID I HAVE TO JUMP OFF THAT

LEDGE.

>> SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

>> HOW HIGH WERE YOU?

>> 115 FEET.

>> IT IS AWAY FROM THE WATER AND

PEOPLE.

>> WHEN YOU SAW YOURSELF ON THE

EDGE WERE YOU SCARED?

>> I WASN'T SCARED.

I WENT TOO HIGH UP.

>> WERE YOU TRYING TO GET BACK

OFF?

>> I WAS COMPLETELY OVER.

I AM GOING TO JUMP FROM UP HERE.

MY BODY FLIPPED FORWARD AND

LANDED IN THE WATER.

JUST LIKE THE MOVIES.

>> PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN

BETTER WITH AQUA SOX.

>> HAD YOU BEEN DRINKING?

>> TWO BEERS.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I HAD A COLLAPSED LUNG.

>> THAT IS IT.

DID IT KNOCK YOU UNCONSCIOUS?

>> I SWAMP TO SHORE AFTER I HIT

THE WATER>> WERE YOU AIR LIFTED?

>> I AM RACKED UP IN HOSPITAL

BILLS.

$93,000.

>> HAVE YOUR PARENTS SEEN IT?

>> IT FREAKED MY MOM OUT WHEN I

TOLD HER TO GO TO YOUTUBE.

>> DID YOU TRY TO SUE THE

MOUNTAIN?

>> IT IS ON AN INDIAN

RESERVATION.

>> I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE

COURTROOMS.

>> DID YOU STILL PLOW HONEYS?

>> THERE WERE GIRLS SCREAMING

DON'T DO IT YOU IDIOT.

DO YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE

LISTENED TO THEM?

>> I AM GLAD I JUMPED.

GOT SOME INTERNET FAME.

>> HAVE YOU JUMPED OFF A CLIFF

SINCE?

>> NO.

I HAVEN'T.

THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU TO MUCH

MORE CONTROLLED SAFER

ENVIRONMENT?

>> I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

>> THIS IS WHAT STEVE WIN MUST

FEEL LIKE.

YO, YO, YO WELCOME TO MTV SPRING

BREAK.

FROM PANAMA CITY BEACH.

I AM YOUR HOST DANIEL CORTEZ.

YOU CAN'T HAVE A POOL PARTY.

WE HAVE JAY-Z AND BBEYONCE'S

PUBLIC APPEARANCE.

ONE SEXY BABY.

HERE IS MY BOY.

A GUY WHO SHOULD BE DEAD.

ABOUT TO MAKE A PERSONAL BEST,

116 FOOT DIVE OFF A OF PLATFORM.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT?

>> I AM READY.

>> DJ.

PLAY SOME MUSIC THAT WILL MAKE

THIS GUY WANT TO JUMP.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> OKAY.

* * *

>> DON'T DO IT!

DON'T DO IT!

>> THREE, TWO, ONE, JUMP!

* * *

THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE.

HERE COMES THE DANCE FLOOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

* * *

>> MTV NEEDS TO GO BACK TO

SHOWING HOT TEENS BEFORE THEY

WERE PREGNANT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST HERE IS GOTCHA JOURNALISM.

>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE MORE

SUCCESSFUL?

>> I WILL NOT BE MAKING ANYMORE

COMMENTS.

>> OH MY GOD THAT HURT.

>> IF YOU ARE TRAVELING 80 MILES

PER HOUR HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE

YOU TO GO 80 MILES?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CHELS?

>> I RUN A MILE IN 9 MINUTES.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE TIRING TURNING

THING?

DO YOU THINK THAT EFFECTS IT.

>> I AM GUESSING 400 TURNS IN A

MILE.

>> THAT IS GUESSING CALCULATION?

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD

WORK THAT OUT.

IT HAS TO TAKE AT LEAST 15

MINUTES OR SOMETHING.

>> 15 MINUTES, PRETTY CLOSE.

>> HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

>> YOU CAN GUESSTIMATE IT.

>> I AM NOT GUESSTIMATING.

I AM USING MATH AND SCIENCE.

>> DON'T SIT THERE AND JUDGE

HER, SHE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO GET

A MAN THAT KNEW THE ANSWER TO

MARRY HER.

AFTER WATCHING THIS VIDEO, I

HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE

HELP ME WELCOME CHELSEA AND

TRAVIS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> GLAD TO BE HERE.

>> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

>> WE HAVE DONEBETTER.

>> ARE YOU MAD AT TRAVIS FOR

PUTTING THAT ON LINE?

>> HONESTLY, I WAS TICKED.

I AM OKAY NOW.

>> TRAVIS, DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR

WIFE SMART?

>> SHE FLUNKED OUT OF COLLEGE.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO

SAY MIDDLE SCHOOL.

>> TRAVIS, DO YOU FANTASIZE

ABOUT HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH

OTHER WOMEN?

>> ACTUALLY, HAVEN'T.

>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE A SEX

TAPE.

THAT WILL PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT

THE OTHER TAPE.

>> NO.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

>> I AM SURE YOU ARE AN

INTELLIGENT WOMAN, CHELSEA.

YOU KNOW WHAT MILES PER HOUR

MEANS, RIGHT?

I HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

>> I DON'T WANT A LOT OF

QUESTIONS.

>> WHAT IS FASTER A CHEETAH

GOING 70 MILES PER HOUR OR A

CAR?

>> I WOULD SAY BOTH.

[LAUGHTER] I AM GOING TO HAVE

YOU GIVE YOU PARTIAL CREDIT.

>> IS THERE ANYTHING YOU KNOW

MORE ABOUT THAN YOUR HUSBAND?

>> KIDS.

>> SHE'LL COACH ME THROUGH

TALKING TO KIDS.

SHE IS STRONG.

I AM NOT SMART WITH AT ALL.

>> SHOCKING SHE WOULD HAVE SO

MUCH IN COMMON WITH FIVE YEAR

OLDS.

[LAUGHTER].

WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE FOR THAT

VIDEO?

>> LET'S JUST SAY THAT WHOLE

TIME WE HAD JUST FINISHED FINALS

AT SCHOOL.

WE WERE BOTH SUPER TIRED.

I WAS TO TIRED.

WE WERE TRAVELING AND I DON'T

LIKE CARS.

>> THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

[LAUGHTER].

HAVE PEOPLE BEEN MAKING MEAN

COMMENTS? >> I AM THE WORLD'S

WORST HUSBAND RIGHT NOW ON THE

INTERNET.

>> ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

THINK ABOUT KOBE AND HIS WIFE.

>> A FEW YEARS AGO HE RAPE ADD

WOMAN.

>> I KNOW ABOUT THAT.

THAT WASN'T HIS WIFE.

OH I SEE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING>>

ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY?

>> I WISH I WOULDN'T HAVE POSTED

IT.

I FEEL BAD.

PUT HER THROUGH A LOT THE LAST

FEW DAYS.

WE DEFINITELY WEREN'T LOOKING TO

BE FAMOUS.

>> IF WE CAN LEARN ANYTHING FROM

THIS VIDEO, MAKE SURE YOU GIVE

THE WOMEN YOU ARE DATING AN ORAL

EXAM BEFORE YOU PROPOSE.

BY GUYS.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES FROM

SEAN WINES.

>> I HAD A NICE TIME.

>> ME, TOO.

>> CAN I BE HONEST?

>> YES.

>> YOU ARE DUMB, IF YOU -- I'LL

GIVE YOU A NECKLACE AND DON'T

TALK.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO DOWN ON YOU.

ONE LAST THING, YOU CAN NEVER --

IN MY BATHROOM.

>> IS THERE A MCDONALDS?

>> DUNKUN DOUGHNUTS.

>> CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU, I

DON'T THINK HER BREASTS WERE

THAT GREAT.

ANY GUY INTO ANAL HAS NO PROBLEM

GOING DOWN ON A GIRL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

VERSES.

[APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BACK, IS EVERYONE

STICKING TO THEIR SACRIFICES?

I GAVE UP MIDDLE EASTEARN MEN

AND CANDY.

I ASSURE YOU THE MONEY WENT TO A

GOOD CAUSE.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, I CAN'T

WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL ON TOUR.

I ASKED YOU TO GET OFF YOUR ASS

ONCE A DAY AND ENJOY 30 SECONDS

OF HARD CORE PAR CORE.

LITTLE DID I KNOW IT WOULD TAKE

AMERICA BY STORM.

STOP.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

>> I AM GETTING ON TOSH.O.

>> NOT HARD CORE ENOUGH.

WEIRD HOW NONE OF THOSE TOOK

PLACE AT A FORTUNE 500

COMPANIES.

SEE YOU NEXT ONE.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T

HAVE THEIR BODY IN EARLY SPRING?

ENJOY.