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A LOT OF CITIES ARE PUTTING
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LOOPS IN NOW TO REDUCE GRIDLOCK.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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THIS SCARF COSTS $800 AND IF I
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DIDN'T FIND OUT YESTERDAY THAT
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ALEXANDER MCQUEEN KILLED
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HIMSELF, I WOULD HAVE STRANGLED
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HIM WITH IT.
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HIGH FASHION.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE GIVE A
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GUY WHO GOT BEAT UP BY A GIRL A
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REMATCH...
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I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PLACES
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WHERE I EAT LUNCH.
15
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AND WE BECOME THE FIRST CABLE
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SHOW TO DEVELOP A SPACE PROGRAM.
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ALRIGHT LET'S WATCH THIS
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SKATEBOARDER AGAIN.
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ON WHAT I'M SURE IS A CLOSED
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COURSE.
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OH MAN.
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ALMOST!
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OH MAN.
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NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS UNDER
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AN OVERPASS EXCEPT FOR CHEAP
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HANDJOBS.
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THAT'S A PLUS.
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THAT IS THE LAST TIME I EVER BUY
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A LOOPTY-LOOP FROM IKEA.
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A LOOPTY-LOOP FROM IKEA.
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SO MUCH ASSEMBLY.
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I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU THE MOST
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INCREDIBLE PENIS YOU'VE EVER
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SEEN.
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HIS WEENIE HAS A KNEE.
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THAT'S RIGHT, SNOOKIE FILMED
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HERSELF GETTING PREGNANT.
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GOOD NEWS LADIES, NO MORE SORE
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NECK BJS THANKS TO HIS BENDY
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STRAW DONG.
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PSST.
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YOU WANNA SEE TWO KIDS FALL OUT
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OF THE BACK OF A VAN IN THE
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MIDDLE EAST?
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ONE, TWO.
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THAT'S HOW YOU DROP THE KIDS OFF
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FOR SUICIDE BOMBING PRACTICE.
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THAT IS ONLY THE THIRD MOST
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DANGEROUS THING THAT HAPPENED TO
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THEM THAT DAY.
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YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY GOOD AT
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KILLING KIDS OVER THERE?
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THE U.S. ARMY.
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THE ONLY PART OF DELIVERING
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BABIES I DON'T LIKE IS GETTING
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UP SO EARLY.
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YOU SEE THE KEY IS TO THROW THEM
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BY THE HEAD.
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LET THE WEIGHT OF THEM CARRY
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THEM.
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>> SEE YOU TOMORROW.
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SORRY ABOUT THAT.
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>> DON'T WORRY THEIR BONES ARE
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STILL SOFT.
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>> BYE.
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YOU KNOW WHAT BLACK BABIES ARE?
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THE SPORTS PAGE.
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WHAT?
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I DON'T THINK THAT WAS BAD.
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YOU KNOW WHAT JEWISH BABIES ARE?
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THE COUPONS.
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ASIANS?
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SUDOKU.
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AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, I PREFER
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THE GIRL TO JUMP OUT OF THE
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CAKE.
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STOP.
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STOP.
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YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO BUY HER
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ANYTHING NEXT YEAR.
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GOOD TO SEE THE DEATH OF HIS
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SISTER DIDN'T AFFECT THE KID IN
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THE SOMBRERO'S APPETITE.
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I WOULDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP
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EITHER.
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THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING
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SWEET SIXTEEN EVER.
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SOMEBODY GET HER 150 CC'S OF
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MILK STAT.
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IF YOU'RE GONNA TO COMMIT
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SUICIDE, DO IT WITH SOME FLARE.
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FIRE DOES UP THE DEGREE OF
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DIFFICULTY.
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NOTHING SOOTHES FRESH BURNS LIKE
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MURKY RIVER WATER.
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ALL DIVERS WORTH WATCHING ARE
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FLAMING.
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YES, HOMO.
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STILL LESS EXCITING THAN A TEXT
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FROM OLIVIA MUNN TO CHRIS PINE.
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APPARENTLY, HER [BLEEP]HOLE'S ON
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FIRE TOO.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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DON'T GET MAD.
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GET GLAD.
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IT'S NOT THE CAN'S FAULT YOU
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DIDN'T EARN ENOUGH SMILEY FACE
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STICKERS TO FINISH TRADE SCHOOL.
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NOW LET'S TAKE OUT THE TRASH IN
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THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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GARBAGE MEN ARE THE LEAST
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RESPECTED CIVIL SERVANTS.
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THEY WORK JUST AS HARD AS
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FIREMEN OR COPS, BUT NO ONE EVER
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CALLS THEM HEROES.
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PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY SMELL LIKE
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FISH JUICE.
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LOOK AT THIS BADASS GOING
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SLEEVELESS IN THE MIDDLE OF
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WINTER, LIKE A [BLEEP] LINEMAN
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FOR THE PACKERS.
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SOMEONE PROBABLY WEDGED A PIZZA
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BOX IN THE BOTTOM.
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I IMAGINE THAT WOULD BE
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FRUSTRATING, BUT WHEN YOUR JOB
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INVOLVES HANDLING USED TAMPONS,
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YOU'RE ENTITLED TO MOMENTS LIKE
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THIS.
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MAYBE THEY SHOULD JUST REPLACE
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HIM WITH AN EMOTIONLESS
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MECHANICAL ARM.
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ALRIGHT, THAT SEEMS A BIT
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AGGRESSIVE.
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YOU'D NEVER SEE THIS BEHAVIOR
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FROM THE BOYS ON THE RECYCLING
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TRUCK.
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YOU SIR, ARE DISRESPECTING THE
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REFLECTIVE VEST.
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THAT'S THE WORLD'S FIRST MAILBOX
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BASEBALL GRAND SLAM.
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SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT HIM;
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HE'S NO LITTERBUG.
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I HOPE THOSE LETTERS WEREN'T
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TIME-SENSITIVE.
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WHO STILL GETS MAIL ANYHOW?
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PAY YOUR BILLS ONLINE LIKE A
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NORMAL PERSON.
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IT'S NOT EASY TO FLEE THE SCENE
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IN A VEHICLE THAT STOPS AT EVERY
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SINGLE HOUSE IN THE
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NEIGHBORHOOD.
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BUT, NEVER FORGET THAT THE TRUE
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SICKO HERE IS THE PERSON WHO
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FILMS THEIR TRASH COLLECTOR, AND
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FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB
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REMATCH, BUT FIRST --
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HEY DAD REMEMBER THAT TIME I
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ALMOST FLEW OFF A MOUNTAIN AND
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THE ONLY THING YOU DID TO
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SAVE ME WAS YELL .PIZZA?'"
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YEAH BRO
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>> PIZZA.
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PIZZA.
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PIZ
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PIZZA.
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PIZZA.
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PIZZA.
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PIZZA.
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PIZZA.
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ALL RIGHT.
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ALL RIGHT.
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NICE TRAY.
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BREATHE IN.
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FIVE POINTS LEFT.
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USUALLY GIRLS CAN ONLY PUT GUYS
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TO SLEEP BY TELLING THEM ABOUT
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THEIR DAY.
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BRANDON JUST GOT CHOKED OUT BY
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COURTNEY, WHO IS A LADY.
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WOMEN NEED TO KNOW THEIR PLACE
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IN THE OCTAGON, AND THAT'S
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HOLDING UP A NUMBER AND WEARING
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A THONG.
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MMA STANDS FOR MAN-ON-MAN
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ACTION, AND IT COMBINES ELEMENTS
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OF JUDO, BOXING, AND WEARING THE
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UGLIEST CLOTHES MONEY CAN BUY.
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ALTHOUGH IF I HAD GIANT
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PUS-FILLED DUMPLINGS WHERE MY
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EARS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE, I'D
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WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION AWAY FROM
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THEM TOO.
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IT'S BASICALLY HUMAN
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COCKFIGHTING AND THE ONLY
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REASON SPIKE TV STILL IS A
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CHANNEL.
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THE FIGHT HAPPENS INSIDE A
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PLAYPEN SHAPED LIKE A STOP SIGN.
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YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL YOU DON'T
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NEED THOSE EIGHT SIDES.
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A CIRCLE WOULD HAVE WORKED JUST
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FINE.
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THE RULES ARE THERE ARE NO
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RULES.
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WELL, EXCEPT YOU CAN'T PULL
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HAIR, OR GRAB NUTS, FISH HOOK,
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BITE, OR FIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR
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WEIGHT CLASS, OR HIT A
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DEFENSELESS RECEIVER.
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ALRIGHT, THERE ARE A LOT OF
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RULES, AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
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IF THERE'S NO CHANCE OF ANYONE
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DYING, I'LL GO AHEAD AND SKIP
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THE PAY-PER-VIEW AND JUST
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WATCH MY VHS COPY OF --
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BUM FIGHTS.
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KNOCK IT OFF WITH ALL THE GROUND
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AND POUND.
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THERE'S A REASON PROFESSIONAL
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WRESTLING WENT FAKE, THAT'S
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CAUSE REAL WRESTLING IS
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UNWATCHABLE.
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IF I WANT TO SEE TWO DUDES LIE
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ON TOP OF EACH OTHER I'D LOOK IN
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THE MIRROR ABOVE MY BED.
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IF UFC WAS AS POPULAR AS THEY
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SAY, THEN WHY CAN'T I NAME MORE
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THAN THREE FIGHTERS?
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I'VE HEARD OF JOE ROGAN AND
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RANDY COUTURE.
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RANDY COUTURE'S RECORD WAS 19
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AND 11.
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IF MANNY PACQUIAO WAS 19 AND 11
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HE'D BE WASHING DISHES AT PF
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CHANGS.
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THEY SAY GUYS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO
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HIT WOMEN, BUT RYU HAS BEEN
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BEATING THE [BLEEP] OUT OF CHUN
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LI FOR YEARS AND NO ONE HAS MADE
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A PEEP.
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SO WE INVITED BRANDON AND
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COURTNEY OUT HERE TO SEE WHO
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REALLY IS THE MORE POWERFUL SEX
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--
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IT'S MEN -- IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REMATCH.
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IS THATS HOW YOU ATTACK A WOMAN
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FROM BEHIND.
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YOU DON'T WANT HER TO SEE YOU.
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THE IRONY OF THIS WARDROBE I
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WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
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>> IT'S PRETTY OBNOXIOUS.
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>> IS THERE ANY MEN IN THE SPORT
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THAT ONLY FIGHT WOMEN.
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>> I HAVE NOT MET THAT PERSON
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YET.
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>> YOU MIGHT BE LOOKING AT HIM.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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>> DID YOU UNDERESTIMATE YOUR
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OPPONENT.
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>> A LITTLE.
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>> THAT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING
264
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YOU WERE TRAINED.
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>> I KNOW.
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>> WHAT'S YOUR ETHNIC BROWN.
267
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,403
>> KOREAN.
268
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,130
>> HOW OLD ARE YOU.
269
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,333
>> 17.
270
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:19,433
>> I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS YOUR AGE.
271
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,973
>> HOW OLD WAS THE GIRL YOU
272
00:09:21,967 --> 00:09:22,297
FOUGHT.
273
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,100
>> 29 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
274
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,730
>> I THINK THAT'S STATUTORY.
275
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,073
>> WHAT HAPPENED DURING THAT
276
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:29,827
FIGHT.
277
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:33,373
JUST WALK YOU US THROUGH THE
278
00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:35,267
WHOLE VIDEO.
279
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:39,467
I WENT INTO HER ARM GUARD, AND
280
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:41,097
SHE CHOKED ME OUT.
281
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,800
>> I LIKE GURGLING.
282
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,770
I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM OFF OF
283
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:50,627
ME SAFELY.
284
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,333
THAT'S ALL LIFT UP THEIR FEET
285
00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:54,073
AND GIVE THEM A GOOD SHAKE.
286
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:54,697
>> YEAH.
287
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,070
>> THAT WAS THE LAST MATCH OF
288
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,427
THE TOURNAMENT.
289
00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:59,673
>> YOU HAD FOUGHT SEVERAL FIGHTS
290
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,167
BEFORE THAT.
291
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:04,797
>> THIS WAS LIKE SPARTA.
292
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,270
>> YEAH.
293
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:10,697
>> IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU
294
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:11,870
EVER FOUGHT A WOMAN.
295
00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,627
>> NO.
296
00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:18,733
>> AND NO HOW EMBARRASSED WAS
297
00:10:18,733 --> 00:10:25,273
YOUR FATHER THAT YOU LOST.
298
00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:28,897
>> WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT MUCH.
299
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:32,770
>> HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MAN'S
300
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:33,867
CAULIFLOWER EAR.
301
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,997
>> I GUESS I MIGHT HAVE.
302
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,630
>> YOU MUST BE A TIGER IN THE
303
00:10:38,633 --> 00:10:39,073
SACK.
304
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:40,797
>> I CAN'T DANCE TO THAT.
305
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,730
>> YOU HAVE A GREAT HEAD OF
306
00:10:42,733 --> 00:10:43,033
HAIR.
307
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:43,733
>> THANK YOU.
308
00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:46,303
>> THAT'S ALL I KEEP THINKING
309
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:46,600
ABOUT.
310
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:47,500
>> DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
311
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,300
>> YEAH.
312
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,600
>> YOU EVER WRESTLE
313
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,570
>> I'VE SHOWN HER A FEW MOVES.
314
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:57,367
I'D LIKE TO TRAIN WITH YOU JUST
315
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,697
A LITTLE BIT SO I CAN BRING YOU
316
00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,800
TO THE TABLE.
317
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,170
>> HOW WOULD YOU TAKE ME DOWN.
318
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:05,967
>> I JUST THINK THAT'S ZERO
319
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:06,627
CHANCE YOU COULD.
320
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,173
>> I'M GOING TO KISS YOU.
321
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,067
>> LIKE THAT.
322
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:13,127
>> NO.
323
00:11:13,133 --> 00:11:16,573
1, 2, 3.
324
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:17,527
>> OKAY.
325
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:18,073
THERE WE GO.
326
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,767
>> THERE'S THE FINISH.
327
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:22,127
MY RECOMMENDATION ALWAYS FLIP
328
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:22,433
THEM.
329
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:23,733
ALWAYS FLIP THEM.
330
00:11:23,733 --> 00:11:27,173
I DO THIS MYSELF WITH A COAT
331
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:30,067
HANGER.
332
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,827
THERE'S A GUNG LING YOU WERE
333
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:33,103
TALKING ABOUT.
334
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:37,600
>>RGLING YOU WERE
335
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,070
TALKING ABOUT.
336
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:40,167
>> THAT TECHNIQUE THAT YOU WERE
337
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:45,227
TALKING ABOUT IS PERFECT.
338
00:11:45,233 --> 00:11:46,073
IS IT OKAY TO TAP.
339
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,727
>> NO.
340
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:50,773
>> HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT
341
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,067
OF.
342
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,727
YOU NEVER WANT TO TURN YOUR BACK
343
00:11:52,733 --> 00:11:53,333
TO SOMEONE.
344
00:11:53,333 --> 00:11:54,903
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
345
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,670
THIS IS NOT A POSITION YOU WANT
346
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:57,667
TO GET INTO.
347
00:11:57,667 --> 00:12:01,597
>> HOW WOULD YOU BREAK THIS?
348
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,530
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
349
00:12:04,533 --> 00:12:12,633
THE MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING.
350
00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:16,633
IT IS TIME IN THE ADORABLE
351
00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:18,273
NONTHREATENING BLUE TRUNKS IS
352
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:24,597
THE WUSS WHO GOT ECED CHOKED OUT
353
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,400
BY A GIRL.
354
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,400
>> BRANDON.
355
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,770
AND IN THE KITCHEN I'M SORRY I
356
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,867
MET THIS SECRETARY DESKCHOKED OUT BY A
357
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:34,167
GIRL.
358
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:34,567
>> BRANDON.
359
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:35,297
AND IN THE KITCHEN I'M SORRY I
360
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:36,070
MET THIS SECRETARY DESK AND
361
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:39,167
WEIGHING NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMNED
362
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:40,927
BUSINESS.
363
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:45,833
COURTNEY.
364
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,703
THIS IS KIND OF MY -- YEAH BUT
365
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:53,270
DANIEL IS KIND OF MY THING.
366
00:12:53,267 --> 00:12:57,067
>> HAVE A GOOD CLEAN FIGHT.
367
00:12:57,067 --> 00:13:01,097
FOR THE NUMBER ONE INTERGENDER
368
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:07,700
CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD.
369
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:12,370
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S REPPING OR
370
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,067
JERKING OFF.
371
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:20,467
>> 1, --
372
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,767
>> DON'T YOU DARE TAP OUT
373
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:25,697
COURTNEY.
374
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:26,433
DONE.
375
00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:26,733
DONE.
376
00:13:26,733 --> 00:13:27,073
DONE.
377
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:32,797
>> AND WINNER BY SUBMISSION,
378
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,470
PEN
379
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:34,767
PENIS.
380
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:35,967
>> BOY WHAT'S GOING ON.
381
00:13:35,967 --> 00:13:40,327
YOU JUST BEAT UP A WOMAN ON TV
382
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:44,933
>> CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED BUT MEN
383
00:13:44,933 --> 00:13:53,603
SHOULDN'T FIGHT WOMAN.
384
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:54,370
THE BEST FIGHT THAT NIGHT WAS A
385
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:54,967
LITTLE CONTROVERSIAL.
386
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:55,697
BUT BEFORE YOU GET ON ME ABOUT
387
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:56,400
IT, PLEASE RESPECT THAT DOG
388
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,130
FIGHTING IS A BIG PART OF MY
389
00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:57,603
CULTURE.
390
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,470
IN THE BLACK AND WHITE COAT.
391
00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:04,227
IN THE BEAUTIFUL HONEY BROWN
392
00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,173
CO
393
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:06,467
COAT.
394
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,397
THE TWO DOGS FIGHTING FOR THE
395
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,230
CHAMPIONSHIP TONIGHT ARE BROTHER
396
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:15,433
AND SISTER.
397
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:35,073
IT'S TIME.
398
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:40,067
THE WINNER IS AVA.
399
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:45,297
AVA IS THE WINNER.
400
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,530
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU GO TO
401
00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:50,433
THE RESTAURANT AND THE WAITERS
402
00:14:50,433 --> 00:14:52,703
ARE COMPLETE RUBBISH.
403
00:14:52,700 --> 00:15:00,070
>> IN JAPAN THEY LIKE THEIR
404
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,767
WAITERS TO BE MONKEYS.
405
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,797
>> ROBOTS.
406
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:04,400
BELIEVE IT OR NOT THAT
407
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,330
RESTAURANT GOT A .B.'
408
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:06,103
PROBABLY BECAUSE ALL OF THE HIV.
409
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:06,830
SOME PEOPLE IN MY OFFICE BRING
410
00:15:06,833 --> 00:15:07,533
LUNCH TO WORK, BUT THEY'RE
411
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:08,173
EITHER MARRIED OR POOR.
412
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,567
I'M NEITHER, SO I GO OUT EVERY
413
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:10,167
DAY.
414
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:10,897
UNFORTUNATELY, THE RESTAURANTS
415
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:11,630
HERE IN CULVER CITY CONSTANTLY
416
00:15:11,633 --> 00:15:12,073
DROP THE BALL.
417
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:12,927
SURE, I COULD FILL OUT A COMMENT
418
00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:13,673
CARD, BUT I THOUGHT IT'D BE WAY
419
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:14,327
MORE EFFECTIVE TO POINT OUT
420
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:15,073
THEIR MISTAKES ON NATIONAL
421
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:15,697
TELEVISION, IN A NEW SEGMENT
422
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:16,100
CALLED --
423
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:16,700
MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO A
424
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,400
MANAGER?"
425
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,970
FIRST UP, THERE'S LA DIJONAISE.
426
00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:20,667
OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, LA
427
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:23,297
DEEJ.
428
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,900
I GO TO THIS PLACE ABOUT ONCE
429
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:25,430
EVERY OTHER WEEK.
430
00:15:25,433 --> 00:15:26,573
AND IT'S A GREAT PLACE.
431
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:27,727
BIG MENU.
432
00:15:27,733 --> 00:15:28,373
I DON'T LIKE A BIG MENU,
433
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:30,397
NORMALLY.
434
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,500
YOU GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
435
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,230
I DON'T WANT TO READ A [BLEEP]
436
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:32,603
NOVEL.
437
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,230
I'M A BIG FAN OF BREAD.
438
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,873
IT'S USUALLY SOFT, USUALLY WARM.
439
00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:39,667
BUT THEN THEY BRING OUT PATS OF
440
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:40,397
BUTTER, THAT APPARENTLY THEY ARE
441
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,300
STORING IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE.
442
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:42,370
AND THEN SOMEBODY IN OUR OFFICE
443
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,097
GOES, I'D RATHER THE BUTTER BE
444
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:44,570
TOO HARD THAN TOO SOFT."
445
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:45,297
OH REALLY, DUMBEST PERSON I'VE
446
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,930
EVER SPOKE TO.
447
00:15:47,933 --> 00:15:48,933
THE TABLES ARE CLOSE TOGETHER.
448
00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:49,973
TAKE ONE OR TWO LESS TABLES OUT
449
00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:51,127
OF YOUR RESTAURANT.
450
00:15:51,133 --> 00:15:52,103
LET THERE BE LIKE A FIRST CLASS
451
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,300
SECTION.
452
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:54,070
WHERE EVERYTHING IS LIKE $2
453
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:54,927
MORE.
454
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:55,673
WOULD YOU GUYS STILL PAY TO BE
455
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,067
IN THERE?
456
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:57,667
YEAH!
457
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,327
ALRIGHT, $10 MORE.
458
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,133
NOW THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH LA
459
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:02,873
DEEJ IS THE STRAWBERRY LEMONADE.
460
00:16:02,867 --> 00:16:05,927
IT'S FRESH SQUEEZED LEMONADE
461
00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:06,603
WITH A BEAUTIFUL STRAWBERRY
462
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,130
PUREE ON TOP.
463
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:07,873
WHEN YOU ASK FOR A REFILL THEY
464
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:08,597
JUST PUT MORE LEMONADE IN YOUR
465
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,800
GLASS.
466
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,800
SO YOU END UP WITH THIS PINK
467
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,070
[BLEEP].
468
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,067
HOW MUCH CAN ONE SQUIRT OF THAT
469
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:16,867
[BLEEPING] PUREE COST?
470
00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:21,297
SHAME ON YOU, LA DEEJ.
471
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:22,070
THE LAST RESTAURANT THAT I'LL BE
472
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:22,727
DISCUSSING TODAY IS CALLED
473
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:23,073
LUNCH.
474
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:23,727
SO EVERYDAY IN THE OFFICE WE
475
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:24,633
HAVE THIS BIG "WHO'S ON FIRST?"
476
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,733
[BLEEPING] JOKE.
477
00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:27,773
"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TO
478
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:29,527
LUNCH?"
479
00:16:29,533 --> 00:16:32,703
"BUT I SAID I WAS AT LUNCH.
480
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,530
SECOND BASE!"
481
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:37,133
WHAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT IT IS
482
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:37,873
YOU JUST GO TO A COUNTER AND
483
00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:38,197
ORDER.
484
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:38,770
I'M A FAN OF THAT.
485
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:39,497
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO TIP.
486
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:40,070
OH, THERE'S A JAR.
487
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:40,967
I'LL PUT A BUCK IN.
488
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,067
THEN YOU HAVE THE WHOLE PROBLEM,
489
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:43,697
OF LIKE, DID THEY SEE IT?
490
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:44,700
GOOD THING ABOUT LUNCH, FOOD
491
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:45,300
COMES OUT QUICK.
492
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:46,070
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
493
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:48,567
BACK THERE.
494
00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:49,297
IF YOU'RE GUESSING WHAT PEOPLE
495
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:49,830
ARE GONNA TO ORDER.
496
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:50,573
I'M A HUGE COOKIE CONNOISSEUR.
497
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:51,297
BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE IN
498
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:51,970
TOWN NOW THAT CHOPPE CHOPPE
499
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:55,667
LEFT.
500
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:56,427
BUT IF YOU GET IN THERE AROUND
501
00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,133
TWO O'CLOCK, THEY'RE OUT OF
502
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:57,833
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.
503
00:16:57,833 --> 00:16:58,903
BUT THEY STILL HAVE OATMEAL
504
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:00,530
CRANBERRY AND PEANUT BUTTER.
505
00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:01,233
WHAT?
506
00:17:01,233 --> 00:17:01,973
NOBODY [BLEEPING] WANTS THOSE
507
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:02,827
COOKIES.
508
00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:06,673
I WOULDN'T TRUST ANYONE THAT'S
509
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:07,467
LIKE, "OH MAN, I CAN USE SOME
510
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,067
CRANBERRY OATMEAL.
511
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:08,797
" THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
512
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,170
DESSERT.
513
00:17:09,167 --> 00:17:09,927
NOT A HEALTHY SNACK IF WE'RE ON
514
00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:11,573
A TRAIL SOMEWHERE.
515
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:12,727
CAN'T FIND OUR SUBARU.
516
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:13,673
I'M NOT SAYING IT HAPPENED ONCE
517
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:14,767
OR TWICE.
518
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:15,897
EVERY DAY.
519
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,070
WHOO.
520
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:20,867
HERE'S WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN.
521
00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:21,627
YOU HAVE TO MAKE ONE LESS BATCH
522
00:17:21,633 --> 00:17:22,303
OF DISGUSTING COOKIES AND A
523
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:22,930
THOUSAND MORE BATCHES OF
524
00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:23,633
CHOCOLATE CHIP.
525
00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:24,733
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE DELIBERATELY
526
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:25,473
TRYING TO HAVE AN UNSUCCESSFUL
527
00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:28,067
RESTAURANT.
528
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:28,727
ALRIGHT, I'VE RUINED ENOUGH
529
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:32,533
SMALL BUSINESSES FOR ONE DAY.
530
00:17:32,533 --> 00:17:33,233
A LOT OF TV SHOWS CLAIM TO BE
531
00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:34,073
COMIC FRIENDLY, BUT THE PROBLEM
532
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:34,667
IS, THEIR COMIC FRIENDS ARE
533
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:35,697
HORRIBLE.
534
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,900
SO I THOUGHT I WOULD DO MY PART
535
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:38,630
AND INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME COMICS
536
00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:41,273
WHO ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY.
537
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:43,897
NOW FOR THE DEBUT OF THE LESS IS
538
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:44,670
MORE COMEDY CORNER, PLEASE HELP
539
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:47,627
ME WELCOME, CHELSEA PERETTI.
540
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:48,203
THANK YOU.
541
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,930
UM.
542
00:17:49,933 --> 00:17:53,133
IT'S PRETTY STRESSFUL EATING
543
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:53,833
FOOD IN PUBLIC.
544
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:55,373
ESPECIALLY A BANANA, IF YOU'RE A
545
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:55,897
FEMALE.
546
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,100
CAUSE THEN YOU'RE IN THE
547
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:58,070
POSITION OF TRYING TO UN[BLEEP]
548
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,927
A BANANA.
549
00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:01,703
YOU HAVE TO BE STRATEGIC AND IT
550
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:02,430
SUCKS CAUSE IT'S A GREAT SNACK
551
00:18:02,433 --> 00:18:04,773
ON THE GO.
552
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:05,797
BUT WHAT I'LL DO IS, I'LL PEEL
553
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,070
IT AND THEN I'LL BREAK A PIECE
554
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,797
OFF AND MUSH IT UP IN MY PALM.
555
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:16,230
AND THEN LIKE SCOOP IT UP
556
00:18:16,233 --> 00:18:16,973
BETWEEN MY FINGERS AND I'LL EAT
557
00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:17,727
IT LIKE -- CAUSE I DON'T WANT IT
558
00:18:17,733 --> 00:18:18,373
TO LOOK SEXUAL.
559
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:19,467
THANK YOU!
560
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:21,197
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
561
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,730
THANK YOU.
562
00:18:22,733 --> 00:18:26,103
OH, THANKS.
563
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:26,670
SOLID JOB, CHELSEA.
564
00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:32,097
CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOU BACK.
565
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,170
YOU GUYS CAN FOLLOW CHELSEA ON
566
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:34,767
TWITTER AT @ CHELSEA V PERETTI.
567
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,397
THAT'S P-E-R-E-T-T-I.
568
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,430
GO TO HER WEBSITE AT CHELSEA
569
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,173
PERETTI.COM.
570
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:39,897
YOU DON'T NEED THE .V' ON THAT
571
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,370
ONE.
572
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:43,527
SHE'S REGULAR AT THE UCB THEATER
573
00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:45,633
IN LOS ANGELES AND SOMETIMES IN
574
00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:47,773
NEW YORK, SHE'S THERE.
575
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:48,467
SHE'S ALSO A REGULAR AT THE
576
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:49,467
COMEDY STORE ON SUNSET BLVD IN
577
00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:53,327
WEST HOLLYWOOD.
578
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,073
SHE'S BEEN ON LOUIE ON FX.
579
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:54,897
SHE WRITES FOR PARKS AND
580
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:55,530
RECREATION ON NBC.
581
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:56,273
I'M HEARING GOOD THINGS ABOUT
582
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:57,067
THAT SHOW.
583
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:57,697
YEA.
584
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,370
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD.
585
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:02,627
SUBSCRIBE TO HER YOUTUBE CHANNEL
586
00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:03,273
-- CV PERETTI.
587
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:03,967
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
588
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:04,727
COMIC JUSTICE.
589
00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:13,073
BYE!
590
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:13,567
WELCOME BACK.
591
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:14,267
HAVE YOU BEEN STUDYING YOUR
592
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:14,727
BRACKETOLOGY?
593
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:18,533
I'M STILL PERFECT.
594
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:19,273
NEXT WEEK, WE GIVE THIS SPRING
595
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:22,067
BREAKER A WEB REDEMPTION.
596
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:22,367
WHOA.
597
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:25,097
OH MY GOD.
598
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:25,700
I'M KIDDING.
599
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:26,370
HE'S NOT GONNA TO BE HERE.
600
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:30,067
THAT GUY'S DEAD.
601
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:30,797
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
602
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,470
LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
603
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:32,097
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
604
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:32,730
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
605
00:19:32,733 --> 00:19:33,873
CHECK OUT OUR STORE.
606
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:34,597
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL ON
607
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,700
TOUR.
608
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:38,470
FINALLY, MAN HAS ALWAYS DREAMED
609
00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:39,327
OF GOING INTO SPACE.
610
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,473
AND SINCE MY DAYS AT ASTRONAUT
611
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,627
HIGH SCHOOL, I KNEW IT WAS MY
612
00:19:41,633 --> 00:19:43,773
DESTINY TO REACH THE STARS.
613
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:44,797
LATELY, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
614
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,370
BEEN USING WEATHER BALLOONS TO
615
00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:47,067
SEND STUFF UP THERE, SO I
616
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:47,767
DECIDED TO BECOME THE FIRST MAN
617
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:48,467
IN HISTORY TO SHOOT A ROCKET
618
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:50,227
POP.
619
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:54,073
THAT'S RIGHT!
620
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,197
A ROCKET POP, INTO SPACE.
621
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,770
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.
622
00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:04,327
HOUSTON, IN 10, 9, 8 -- I'M NOT
623
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,303
LIKING THIS BREEZE.
624
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:06,570
I'M SCRUBBING THE LAUNCH.
625
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,297
I'M SCRUBBING THE LAUNCH GUYS.
626
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,000
WE'LL TRY TO GET IT IN FOUR
627
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:11,370
WEEKS.
628
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,297
THIS IS MUCH BETTER WEATHER
629
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:14,970
CONDITIONS.
630
00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:17,727
THIS IS ONE STEP FOR ME, AND
631
00:20:17,733 --> 00:20:20,833
ANYONE THAT OWNS A WEATHER
632
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:21,203
BALLOON.
633
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:38,930
A LICK FOR LUCK.
634
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:39,903
FOUND IT.
635
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:51,570
THERE IT IS.
636
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:54,867
I JUST LIKED THE ONLY POPSICLE
637
00:20:54,867 --> 00:20:58,527
THAT WENT TO SPACE.
638
00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:01,503
>> I'M ALSO THE ONLY WHITE
639
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:07,970
PERSON TO ENJOY DESSERT IN KAUM
640
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:08,497
COMPTON.
641
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,200
BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, DIPPIN'
642
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:09,630
DOTS.
643
00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:10,373
ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE MY ASS.
644
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:11,267
GOODNIGHT.
645
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:18,697
SWITCH TO HOVER MODE.
646
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:19,970
WOULD YOU LOVE FOR SOMEBODY TO
647
00:21:19,967 --> 00:21:21,497
COME UP AND MESS WITH YOU ONE
648
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:21,870
DAY.
649
00:21:21,867 --> 00:21:22,797
>> YEAH I WOULD.
650
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,430
>> IT'S GOT TO BE NICE THAT THE
39942
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