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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:14,633 >> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEO FROM 2 00:00:14,633 --> 00:00:15,373 THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE 3 00:00:15,367 --> 00:00:16,027 AUDIENCE. 4 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:16,773 COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE 5 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:17,427 THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED AND 6 00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:18,033 DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM 7 00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:18,633 PERFORMING THEM. 8 00:00:18,633 --> 00:00:29,003 ENJOY. 9 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:29,673 (TALKING 10 00:00:29,667 --> 00:00:37,897 IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 11 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:38,830 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 12 00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:53,933 * 13 00:00:53,933 --> 00:00:54,673 >> THE FASHION POLICE TAKE JEAN 14 00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:55,167 SHORTS SERIOUSLY. 15 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:55,797 WELCOME TO TOSH.O DON'T BE 16 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:59,600 CONFUSED I'M NOT MUMFORD & SONS. 17 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:16,900 IT'S ME, DANIEL. 18 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:17,570 JUST SPORTING RAG AND BONE. 19 00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:18,197 WE GET A WEB REDEMPTION. 20 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:18,900 I GET IN THE SHARK TANK WITH A 21 00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:19,630 BILLION DOLLAR IDEA AND I SHOW 22 00:01:19,633 --> 00:01:20,403 YOU HOW WE RELIEVE STRESS AROUND 23 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:20,800 THE OFFICE. 24 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:21,500 NOW LET'S SEE HER STICK IT TO 25 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:21,930 THE MAN AGAIN. 26 00:01:21,933 --> 00:01:24,803 >> AYE, AYE, AYE. 27 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:25,970 YOU MIGHT WAN TO DO A BETTER JOB 28 00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:32,697 HIDING THE MURDER WEAPON. 29 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:33,430 SHE TOSSED THAT LUMBER ASIDE 30 00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:34,133 LIKE PUJOLS AFTER TAKING ONE 31 00:01:34,133 --> 00:01:34,633 DEEP. 32 00:01:34,633 --> 00:01:35,303 THERE IS NO WAY HE DESERVED 33 00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,370 THAT. 34 00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:37,167 WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TREATED WITH 35 00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:38,097 DIGNITY IN THIRD WORLD 36 00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:43,500 COUNTRIES. 37 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:44,230 I SHOULD KNOW, I USE TO LIVE IN 38 00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:44,833 MIAMI. 39 00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:45,473 THIS NEXT KID MUST BE A 40 00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:52,667 BACHELOR. 41 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:53,397 BECAUSE HE'S DRINKING STRAIGHT 42 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,070 FROM THE CARTON. 43 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,067 HE PROBABLY HAS A MOUTH FULL OF 44 00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:56,727 CORN FLAKES OR HE'S DOING THE 45 00:01:56,733 --> 00:02:02,273 NEVER ENDING GALLON CHALLENGE. 46 00:02:02,267 --> 00:02:07,467 JUST LIKE NICK CANNON. 47 00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:08,897 >> WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN 48 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:09,870 CROTCHLESS STOCKINGS YOU'RE 49 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:17,867 LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. 50 00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,427 YA, HERE IS YOUR REAL SLUT, 51 00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:23,773 LIMBAUGH. 52 00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:33,427 SHE'S TRYING TO GET TO THE 53 00:02:33,433 --> 00:02:33,903 URINE DISCOUNT. 54 00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:35,670 OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. 55 00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:36,327 I PEE SITTING DOWN TOO ON A 56 00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:36,973 TOILET LIKE A RESPECTABLE 57 00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,067 PERSON. 58 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:48,067 GOOD LORD HER BLADDER IS AS BIG 59 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:48,667 AS A SAVINGS AT OFFICE MAX. 60 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:49,327 WHY AM I TURNED ON BY THIS. 61 00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:50,073 BY THE WAY IF THAT STORE'S REST 62 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:50,827 ROOMS ARE FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY I'M 63 00:02:50,833 --> 00:02:51,803 ON HER SIDE. 64 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:52,530 WHO WOULD HAVE GUEST BREAKING 65 00:02:52,533 --> 00:02:53,273 YOUR ARM IS A GATETEWAY DRUG TO 66 00:02:53,267 --> 00:03:06,827 MORPHINE. 67 00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:08,303 >> OH DANG. 68 00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:09,270 >> THIS IS A FIRST TIME I HAVE 69 00:03:09,267 --> 00:03:09,927 EVER FOUND THAT GUY FROM THE 70 00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:12,303 TWILIGHT MOVIES ENTERTAINING. 71 00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:13,430 IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T 72 00:03:13,433 --> 00:03:20,433 EVEN TURNED THE GAS ON YET. 73 00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:21,173 >> I FEEL LIKE THE JOKER. 74 00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:21,927 >> LIKE THE JOKER YOU'RE ABOUT 75 00:03:21,933 --> 00:03:22,573 TO DIE FROM AN OVERDOSE. 76 00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,827 TOO SOON? 77 00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:26,103 BY THE WAY THE FUNNY BONE ISN'T 78 00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:32,230 A BONE AT ALL. 79 00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:33,673 IT'S ACTUALLY A NERVE. 80 00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:34,327 THERE IS NO JOKE THERE. 81 00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:35,073 I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO LEARN 82 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:35,527 SOMETHING. 83 00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:36,803 [LAUGHING] 84 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,170 >> I SEE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD. 85 00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:40,897 I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS I WOULD 86 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:41,930 LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU. 87 00:03:41,933 --> 00:03:42,633 YOU WERE IN A HORRIBLE DRUNK 88 00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:49,133 DRIVING ACCIDENT. 89 00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:49,903 YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE 90 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:55,730 DIED. 91 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:56,373 YOUR SISTER IS ALSO DEAD. 92 00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:56,867 THAT'S UNRELATED. 93 00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:57,397 >> DAMN. 94 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,170 >> YOUR SPINAL CORD WAS SEVERED. 95 00:03:58,167 --> 00:03:58,897 YOU LOST ALL FEELING BELOW YOUR 96 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:17,170 WASTE. 97 00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:17,897 WE HAD TO AMPUTATE BOTH OF YOUR 98 00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:18,500 LEGS AND YOUR GENTILES. 99 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:18,870 >> WHAT -- 100 00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:19,627 >> NEVER HEARD IT DESCRIBED THAT 101 00:04:19,633 --> 00:04:19,903 WAY. 102 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:20,470 THOSE ARE BLOOD CLOTS. 103 00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:21,467 YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO 104 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:22,327 SEE. 105 00:04:22,333 --> 00:04:23,073 >> THAT'S THE ONLY PART OF THE 106 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:23,427 JOB I HATE. 107 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:24,833 I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTING. 108 00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:25,803 THIS SMUG BASTARD DESERVES TO 109 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:35,830 HAVE HIS FACE RIPPED OFF. 110 00:04:35,833 --> 00:04:36,533 >> AND HE WILL KEEP DOING IT 111 00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:37,233 UNTIL YOU WEAR YOUR YELLOW HAT 112 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:37,833 AGAIN. 113 00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:43,273 DOES WINDEX GET AIDS OFF? 114 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:57,527 IT ACTUALLY DOES. 115 00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:58,273 LOOK HOW HAPPY BUBBLES IS THAT 116 00:04:58,267 --> 00:04:58,727 MICHAEL IS DEAD. 117 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:05,433 WHAT'S NEXT? 118 00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:16,703 (OOOH!) 119 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:17,430 >> YOU KNOW THE RULES YOU BREAK 120 00:05:17,433 --> 00:05:17,933 HER YOU BUY HER. 121 00:05:17,933 --> 00:05:18,603 CHIROPRACTORS ARE NOT REAL 122 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,330 DOCTORS. 123 00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:22,733 I DO WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO, 124 00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:23,433 IGNORE IT UNTIL THE PAIN GOES 125 00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:25,833 AWAY. 126 00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:26,503 CHIROPRACTORS ARE PEOPLE WHO 127 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,830 WANT TO CRACK KNUCKLES ALL THE 128 00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:28,633 TIME. 129 00:05:28,633 --> 00:05:29,373 THEY'RE MASSEUSES WITH 20 CREDIT 130 00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:35,597 HOURS. 131 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,700 WHEN JASON STATHOM DOES IT -- 132 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:41,970 SOMEONE REFUSED TO GIVE HIM THE 133 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:42,727 ACCESS CODES. 134 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:45,073 I HOPE THAT TOWEL HAS COLOR I 135 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:53,897 RM ON IT FOR HER SAME.CHLOROFPO 136 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,930 THIS MAYBE A SNUFF FILM. 137 00:05:56,933 --> 00:05:59,303 ASIANS WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET A 138 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:10,270 FEW INCHES TALLER. 139 00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,667 >> CRACKING THE MOOSE KNUCKLES 140 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,967 IS NOT CONSIDERED MALPRACTICE. 141 00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:17,067 STRESS IS STORED IN THE [BEEP] 142 00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:17,327 AREA. 143 00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:20,973 THAT'S ALSO HOW YOU CURE A YEAST 144 00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:22,897 INFECTION. 145 00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:25,770 >> IN WHAT WORLD DOES KAISER 146 00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:28,067 COVER GANG BANG? 147 00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:30,727 AS LOON AS THEIR IS A WASH CLOTH 148 00:06:30,733 --> 00:06:33,073 BETWEEN THEM IT MAKES IT WAY 149 00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,567 LESS RAPEY. 150 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:37,327 QUICKS QUESTION, DOC, ARE YOU 151 00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:39,673 ADJUSTING MY C7 WITH YOUR BONER? 152 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:40,627 LAUGH ALL YOU WANT. 153 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:43,473 THIS IS GOING TO SAVE PEYTON 154 00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:44,327 MANNING'S CAREER. 155 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:46,103 FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU. 156 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:49,170 WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE PARKOUR 157 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,127 WEBB REDEMPTION. 158 00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:57,873 BUT FIRST TELL ME YOU GOT IT. 159 00:06:57,867 --> 00:06:58,267 (OOOHCLAIM). 160 00:06:58,267 --> 00:07:07,497 >> I GOT IT 161 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,930 [BEEP] 162 00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:15,873 > OH ...> 163 00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:18,897 >> YOU LADIES WILL EAT ANYTHING. 164 00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:19,300 [LAUGHING] 165 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,700 >> THAT'S NATALIE. 166 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,900 INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR TIME TO 167 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,530 DESTROY HER FACE LIKE MOST WOMEN 168 00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:28,973 SHE GOT IT OUT OF THE WAY EARLY. 169 00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:32,427 PARKOUR OR ADULT LEAPFROG WAS 170 00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:33,833 INVENTED IN FRANCE. 171 00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:36,733 THAT'S YOUR FIRST TIP IT'S 172 00:07:36,733 --> 00:07:38,073 AWFUL. 173 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,697 PARKOUR IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER 174 00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:40,530 EXTREME SPORT. 175 00:07:40,533 --> 00:07:43,133 IT'S NEITHER EXTREME NOR SPORT. 176 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,603 IF IT'S A SPORT THEN SOME WARS 177 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:46,870 ARE REALLY WARS. 178 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,197 JUMPING AROUND IS CALLED RECESS. 179 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,670 KANSAS HAS TONIGHT WORST PLACE 180 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:54,927 TO PARKOUR. 181 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,103 RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS OF 182 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:56,430 WHEATS. 183 00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,833 >> THE GREATEST PARKOUR OF ALL 184 00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:01,733 TIME WAS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. 185 00:08:01,733 --> 00:08:05,073 WHO DIED THROUGH A TRIPLE 186 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,497 CORKSTKRAOUFPLT GOT GREEDY . 187 00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,530 NATALIE WAS JUST FINDING THE 188 00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:11,403 MOST CREATIVE WAY TO GET FROM 189 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,830 PLACE TO PLACE. 190 00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:15,873 SHE FOUND IT WAS IN A AMBULANCE. 191 00:08:15,867 --> 00:08:18,127 THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HER TO 192 00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:20,173 HOLLYWOOD WHERE PARKOUR IS DONE 193 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,967 BY STUNTMEN AND NOBODY CARES 194 00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:22,397 ABOUT IT. 195 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,330 >> WHAT'S UP, TPHA*L NAT LY. 196 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:33,873 >> HEY, DANIEL. 197 00:08:33,867 --> 00:08:44,167 [LAUGHING] 198 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:47,067 >> THAT REALLY PUTS A PEP IN 199 00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:47,867 YOUR STEP. 200 00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:51,227 IS IT HARD FOR TO YOU SIT STILL 201 00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:51,633 LIKE THIS. 202 00:08:51,633 --> 00:08:52,603 >> A LITTLE BIT. 203 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,300 >> THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT TO YOU 204 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,670 THE MALL, PEACEFUL PLACE. 205 00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:02,497 ENJOY A BENCH COMFORTABLY. 206 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,300 >> I DON'T LIKE THE MALL. 207 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,070 >> WHAT DOES PARKOW STAND FOR. 208 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:11,227 >> TRAVERSING FROM A TO B AS 209 00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,233 QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS 210 00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:13,603 POSSIBLE. 211 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,670 >> ISN'T THAT TO WALK IN A 212 00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:16,727 STRAIGHT LINE. 213 00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:19,933 >> YOU CAN'T DO THAT IF -- 214 00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:23,933 >> HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN 215 00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:24,333 PARKOURING. 216 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:24,703 >> -- 217 00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:25,970 >> IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT. 218 00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:26,727 >> ? 219 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,433 FREE RUNNING. 220 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,073 >> WHY DID YOU GET INTO IT. 221 00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:33,597 >> I WAS A GYMNAST FOR YEARS. 222 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,730 SOMEONE INTRODUCING PARKOUR TO 223 00:09:36,733 --> 00:09:37,073 ME. 224 00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:37,827 >> FREE RUNNING. 225 00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:38,203 >> YES. 226 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,100 >> WHAT HAPPENED? 227 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,130 >> I WAS IN AUBURN, ALABAMA. 228 00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:45,933 I WAS GOING TO DO A PASS. 229 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:49,733 MY CHEST WAS TOO LOW AND MY -- 230 00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:51,803 HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL HIT HER 231 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,170 FACE AS HARD AS I DID. 232 00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:56,327 >> I HAVE BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I 233 00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:58,373 DO THINGS IN MY HOUSE. 234 00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,397 WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE? 235 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,330 >> I WAS VISITING PARKOURING 236 00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:03,673 PLACES. 237 00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:06,527 >> THEY PARKOUR AROUND BLACK 238 00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:07,503 PEOPLE. 239 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,930 >> YOU GOT RID OF YOUR TEETH. 240 00:10:09,933 --> 00:10:12,173 IS BEING TALL OR SHORT BETTER 241 00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,167 FOR THE PARKOUR COMMUNITY? 242 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,727 >> MOST PEOPLE ARE ON THE 243 00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:16,173 SHORTER SIDE. 244 00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:18,127 >> TALL PEOPLE HAVE A BETTER 245 00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,373 LIFE AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS 246 00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:20,197 TO DO? 247 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,030 WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS OF ALL 248 00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:25,473 THE FREE RUNNER, PARKOURERS? 249 00:10:25,467 --> 00:10:28,997 >> DAVID BELL AND SEBASTIAN 250 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:29,300 FUKAN. 251 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:33,070 >> BOY, WOULD I LIKE TO SEE HIM 252 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,097 JUMP A MAILBOX. 253 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,770 >> COULD PROBABLY SIDE FLIP THAT 254 00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:37,467 MAIL BOX. 255 00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:39,767 >> YOU KNOW THE BEST IN HISTORY? 256 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:40,067 JESUS. 257 00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,267 HE WENT ACROSS WATER. 258 00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:41,967 YOU HAVE DONE THAT? 259 00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:43,027 >> NO, VIN. 260 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:47,733 >> HE DID THAT IN I BELIEVE 261 00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:48,173 BIRKENSTOCKS. 262 00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,727 >> THEY MADE THEM BACK THEN? 263 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,533 >> HE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM. 264 00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:54,373 DO YOU WORRY ABOUT WRECKING YOUR 265 00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:55,467 LADY PARTS? 266 00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:56,727 MAN, YOU HEAR THAT? 267 00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:58,333 THAT'S THE OLD BONES. 268 00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:01,973 THE OLD BONES. 269 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:02,597 WOOO. 270 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,630 YOU EVER DATE A GUY WHO 271 00:11:05,633 --> 00:11:06,073 PARKOURS? 272 00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,667 >> NUN. 273 00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,627 >> LOUD AND CLEAR, GIRL ON GIRL. 274 00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:11,133 >> NO. 275 00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:12,803 >> WASN'T CLEAR. 276 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:13,500 I APOLOGIZE. 277 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,230 >> WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT 278 00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:16,573 PARKOUR. 279 00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:18,327 >> THE FREEDOM I GET RUNNING 280 00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:18,673 AROUND. 281 00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:21,727 >> YOU GET A OPPORTUNITY TO USE 282 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:22,303 IT. 283 00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:28,400 HERE IS PARKOUR'S ARCH NEMESIS 284 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,430 THE MALL WALKERS. 285 00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,903 ACT NORMAL OR GET THE [BEEP] OUT 286 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,630 OF HERE. 287 00:11:32,633 --> 00:11:35,073 PLEASE THIS IS PARKOUR FREE 288 00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:37,927 MALL. 289 00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:40,533 >> TAX DOLLARS WILL BE WASTED ON 290 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,333 STUPID SIGNS AT CITY HALL SAYING 291 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:54,503 NO PARKOUR HERE. 292 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:59,370 >> PUT CLASPS OVER RAILS OVER 293 00:11:59,367 --> 00:11:59,867 SKATEBOARDERS. 294 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,867 WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO PUT ON IT 295 00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:03,667 FOR PEOPLE DON'T WALK 296 00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:17,527 AGGRESSIVELY ON IT? 297 00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:20,273 >> TAR. 298 00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:20,567 ASKED. 299 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:31,197 PUT TAR EVERYWHERE.*>> JUST 300 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,470 (GAMING SOUNDS) 301 00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:35,167 >> I DON'T THINK IT'S TAR. 302 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:36,697 I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE FIX. 303 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,230 I'M JUST, I'M JUST SHOP THE 304 00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:42,103 IDEA. 305 00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:53,200 * 306 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,700 >> HEY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO 307 00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:57,070 FAST? 308 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,127 >> I TOOK THE ELEVATOR LIKE A 309 00:12:59,133 --> 00:12:59,703 NORMAL PERSON. 310 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,570 I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG I 311 00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:05,727 GOT A CINNABON. 312 00:13:05,733 --> 00:13:08,973 THAT LADY IS STILL FOLLOWING 313 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:10,067 YOU. 314 00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:10,427 PERSISTENT. 315 00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:11,773 THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT THIS TIME. 316 00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:23,727 >> DEFINITELY. 317 00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:30,273 (ANGELIC MUSIC) OBJECT 318 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,467 >> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CHASING HER 319 00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,367 FORM ANYWAYS? 320 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:39,567 >> WHO, WE DO THIS WALK EVERY 321 00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:40,727 MORNING. 322 00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:42,673 >> SHE DID NOT MAKE IT VERY FAR 323 00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,897 AT ALL. 324 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,200 LIKE A PINATA. 325 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,100 ALL HER HARD CANDY WENT 326 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:48,500 EVERYWHERE. 327 00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,370 THE BEST PART ABOUT DOING THIS 328 00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,267 SHOW IS HAVING SEX WITH ALL THE 329 00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:53,067 EXTRAS. 330 00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,067 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK. 331 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,427 FIRST OUR LAWYERS WANT TO 332 00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:57,703 REMAINED YOU THE PRANK OF THE 333 00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:02,270 WEEK WAS PERFORMED BY TRAINED 334 00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:06,227 PROFESSIONALS. 335 00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:07,833 (AHHH) 336 00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:15,603 [LAUGHING] 337 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:27,470 [BEEP] 338 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:30,227 >> GENIUS. 339 00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:32,573 THE ONLY FLAW I SEE IS THE HIGH 340 00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,227 RISK OF DECAPITATION. 341 00:14:34,233 --> 00:14:36,103 AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A TON 342 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,570 OF GREAT IDEAS. 343 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,097 THAT'S WHY SHARK TAEUFRPB IS MY 344 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,330 FAVORITE TV SHOW. 345 00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:43,273 IF YOU DON'T COUNT FAT CHEF, 346 00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:46,227 ALWAYS SUNNY SEASON 1-5RBS NIGHT 347 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,773 COURT, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS 348 00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:49,567 PREGNANT, ARE YOU THERE VODKA, I 349 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,697 NEED YOU, I'M TRYING TO WATCH 350 00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,500 KHEL Z AND THE CHALLENGE, BATTLE 351 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,830 OF THE EXHIBITS. 352 00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,503 I WAS EXCITED WHEN SHARK TANK ME 353 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,070 ASKED ME BACK ON THE SHOW FOR MY 354 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:02,697 LATEST INVENTION. 355 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,670 >> GOOD EVENING, SHARKS, MY NAME 356 00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:07,397 IS DANIEL TOSH. 357 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,070 YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER ME FROM 358 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,697 THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE. 359 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,270 I'M THE INVENTER OF THE HIGH 360 00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:14,597 TOILET. 361 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,230 SCREW YOU. 362 00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:18,073 HOW DID I KNOW THEY WERE GOING 363 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:22,067 TO BACK OUT AND NOT PUT THE HIGH 364 00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,727 TOILET IN ALL OF THEIR ROOMS. 365 00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:29,473 THE HIGH TOILET WAS A EXPERIENCE 366 00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:30,697 FOR US ALL. 367 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,070 LET'S START WITH THE QUESTION. 368 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,797 WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOWLING? 369 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,270 THE ANSWER IS [BEEP]. 370 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,397 IT'S A GAME PLAYED BY? 371 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:44,400 MORONS. 372 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,870 TO MAKE IT MORE FUN AND CATER TO 373 00:15:47,867 --> 00:15:50,867 DUMB HE'S I HAVE INVENTED 374 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,267 SKEE-BOWL. 375 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:54,097 A COMBINATION OF SKEET BALL AND 376 00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:54,430 BOWLING. 377 00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:56,973 >> YOU ROLL THE BALL DOWN THE 378 00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:57,967 LANES. 379 00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:01,197 INSTEAD OF HITTING PINS YOU JUMP 380 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,070 THE BOWL BALL OFF A GOD DAMN 381 00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:05,927 RAMP. 382 00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:06,933 [ APPLAUSE ] 383 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:09,103 >> OH! 384 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,700 WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? 385 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:12,070 I AM. 386 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,167 >> THE BEST PART IS YOU GET HUGE 387 00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,397 TICKETS TO REDIEM FOR SOMETHING 388 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,200 OR KEEP THEM THEY'RE SO HUGE. 389 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,900 >> I PUT A GIANT SKI BALL RAMP 390 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,400 AT THE END OF A BOWLING LANE. 391 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,330 I'M ASKING FOR A TEN MILLION 392 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,533 DOLLAR INVESTMENT FOR A 1% STAKE 393 00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:31,303 IN MY COMPANY. 394 00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,700 >> I'M OUT. 395 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,570 >> NO SURPRISE. 396 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:36,427 YOU WOULDN'T BE GOOD ANYWAYS. 397 00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,173 >> YOU WAN DO THIS FULL TIME. 398 00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,267 >> NO I'M LOOKING TO SELL OUT. 399 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,067 I WANT AS LITTLE WORK AS 400 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:42,367 POSSIBLE. 401 00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,497 >> WHAT ARE YOUR SALES LIKE, 402 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,070 DOLLAR NUMBERS THE LAST TWO 403 00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:46,667 YEARS. 404 00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:48,967 >> I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, KEVIN. 405 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:49,467 YOU'RE OUFRPLT. 406 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,927 >> YOU'RE A CUTE KID. 407 00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,073 YOU'RE NUTS. 408 00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,127 ASKING TOO MUCH TOO SOON WITH 409 00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,233 NOTHING TO PROVE YOU COULD 410 00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,503 ATTEMPT TO PULL IT OUT. 411 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,130 NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU THE MONEY. 412 00:16:59,133 --> 00:16:59,503 I'M OUT. 413 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,470 >> YOU CAN'T BE OUT TWICE. 414 00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,067 HOW ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE. 415 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,667 >> I WILL GIVE YOU $800,000 AT 416 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:06,927 30%. 417 00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,233 >> NO THANK YOU. 418 00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:10,173 WE KNOW BOWLING AND SKI BALL IS 419 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,567 A WHITE MAN'S GAME. 420 00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:13,067 I'M HERE FOR ONE SHARK. 421 00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:14,327 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 422 00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:20,073 YOU READY TO GET RICH OFF THESE 423 00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,167 FAT DUMB HICKS. 424 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:21,697 >> YES. 425 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,230 >> DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE IN. 426 00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:25,073 >> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU 427 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,927 HELD ' CHECK FOR $500,000? 428 00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,133 >> ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. 429 00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:32,073 I HAVE BEEN ON TV FOR A LONG 430 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:32,297 TIME. 431 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,630 IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. 432 00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:40,833 >> I KNOW IT SOUNDS -- BUT IT'S 433 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:44,633 A GOOD IDEA SOMEONE PUT A 434 00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:47,373 SKEE-BOWL IN AND ACCEPT THE 435 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,727 LIABILITY AND GIVE ME THE PROVE 436 00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:50,373 IS. 437 00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,867 DON'T FORGET TO UP LOAD YOUR 438 00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:53,197 VIDEOS. 439 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,900 THIS COMES FROM CHESS CLUB KPHED 440 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,230 AOEFPL. 441 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,103 >> GOOD MORNING. 442 00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,500 SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT ME. 443 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,700 >> WHAT IS IT? 444 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:01,230 >> GUESS. 445 00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:02,673 >> YOU GOT NEW JEANS. 446 00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,467 >> NO. 447 00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:05,967 >> NEW NECKLACE. 448 00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:06,367 >> NO. 449 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,827 >> NEW SHIRT. 450 00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:08,773 >> NO. 451 00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:10,067 >> ALRIGHT. 452 00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:13,297 WHAT IS IT? 453 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,400 >> KEEP GOING. 454 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,900 >> NEW CONTACTS. 455 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:17,370 TPHOEUFRPBLTS. 456 00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,227 >> NEW SHOES. 457 00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:18,703 >> NO. 458 00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,100 >> BABY, LISTEN. 459 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,770 I HAVE TO GO TO WORK WILL YOU 460 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,727 TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT? 461 00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:24,473 >> GUESS. 462 00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:25,897 >> I DON'T WANT TO GUESS. 463 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,800 >> I WO*UPBT WON'T LEAVE THIS 464 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,170 APARTMENT UNTIL YOU GUESS WHAT 465 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,067 IS WRONG ABOUT ME. 466 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:31,967 >> NEW WATCH. 467 00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:32,297 >> NO. 468 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,130 >> NEW RING? 469 00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:33,803 >> NO. 470 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,900 >> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME. 471 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,430 >> YOU HAVE TO GUESS IT! 472 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:38,673 >> NEW PANTS. 473 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,067 >> NO. 474 00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:41,067 >> NEW PERFUME. 475 00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:43,897 >> IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS 476 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:45,770 HOLY TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT. 477 00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,467 >> YOU HAVE TO GUESS! 478 00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,927 >> I DON'T WANT TO. 479 00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:50,073 >> YOU HAVE TO! 480 00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,827 >> YOU DID YOUR NAILS. 481 00:18:51,833 --> 00:18:53,073 >> MASS CAR ERA. 482 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:56,927 >> NO! 483 00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:59,573 >> EVERY TIME DO YOU THIS, 484 00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:00,897 ALISON! TELL ME! 485 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,400 >> JUST GUESS! 486 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,400 >> YOU BOUGHT A NEW BRA. 487 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:04,970 >> NO. 488 00:19:04,967 --> 00:19:06,597 >> YOU'RE PREGNANT. 489 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:07,270 >> YES. 490 00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:11,667 >> THERE IS NO GOD!CLAIM 491 00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,127 >> GUESS IF I THOUGHT THAT VIDEO 492 00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:15,403 WAS FUNNY. 493 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:15,800 GUESS! 494 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:28,230 >> WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE 495 00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,403 >> WELCOME BACK. 496 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,730 FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW I'M 497 00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:32,633 DOING ME. 498 00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,203 NEXT WEEK THE MMA FIGHTER WHO 499 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,830 LOST TO A GIRL GETS HIS LONG 500 00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:38,973 AWAITED REMATCH. 501 00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:39,397 >> COME ON. 502 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,900 >> COME. 503 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,070 >> HOPEFULLY WILL HE BEAT THE 504 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,397 [BEEP] OUT OF HER NEXT WEEK. 505 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,070 MEN! 506 00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:47,567 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 507 00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,727 >> FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE 508 00:19:49,733 --> 00:19:52,303 CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS, 509 00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:55,170 KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, CHECK OUT 510 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:56,827 OUR STORE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE 511 00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:57,933 YOU ON TOUR. 512 00:19:57,933 --> 00:20:00,273 THE MOST SUCCESSFUL STANDUP TOUR 513 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,867 FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. 514 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,227 SNUBBED BY THE COMEDY AWARDS. 515 00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:05,933 AS YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN TRYING 516 00:20:05,933 --> 00:20:09,533 TO MODEL MY CAREER AFTER OPRAH 517 00:20:09,533 --> 00:20:13,303 WINFREY EXCEPT FOR HER STARTING 518 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,330 HER OWN NETWORK, HEMORRHAGING 519 00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:18,433 MONEY AND GETTING NO RATINGS. 520 00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:21,673 I FOUND OUT SHE MAKES HER STAFF 521 00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:23,027 MEDITATE TWICE A DAY. 522 00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:26,733 I AM ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO 523 00:20:26,733 --> 00:20:28,073 BOOST PRODUCTIVITY. 524 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,397 EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR WE DO 30 525 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:36,400 SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR. 526 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:53,170 (SIREN) 527 00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:57,067 >> 30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE 528 00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:57,397 PARKOUR. 529 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,100 >> FEEL FREE TO SEND IN YOUR OWN 530 00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:02,430 30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR. 531 00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:04,473 I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH IT 532 00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,267 ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE DIES. 533 00:21:06,267 --> 00:21:08,797 ME AND -- NOW SOMEONE GIVE ME A 534 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,100 HAND. 535 00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:17,070 [ APPLAUSE ] 536 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,697 >> HAVE YOU PARBOURED OUT OF A 537 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,270 CREEPY DATE? 538 00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:21,897 >> NO, I SHOULD DO THAT. 539 00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,330 SEUFRBLTS THERE A PARKOUR HIGH? 540 00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:25,833 >> THERE IS A HIGH FROM 541 00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:26,573 EXERCISING, SAME THING. 32970

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