Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEO FROM

THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE

AUDIENCE.

COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE

THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED AND

DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM

PERFORMING THEM.

ENJOY.

(TALKING

IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

*

>> THE FASHION POLICE TAKE JEAN

SHORTS SERIOUSLY.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O DON'T BE

CONFUSED I'M NOT MUMFORD & SONS.

IT'S ME, DANIEL.

JUST SPORTING RAG AND BONE.

WE GET A WEB REDEMPTION.

I GET IN THE SHARK TANK WITH A

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA AND I SHOW

YOU HOW WE RELIEVE STRESS AROUND

THE OFFICE.

NOW LET'S SEE HER STICK IT TO

THE MAN AGAIN.

>> AYE, AYE, AYE.

YOU MIGHT WAN TO DO A BETTER JOB

HIDING THE MURDER WEAPON.

SHE TOSSED THAT LUMBER ASIDE

LIKE PUJOLS AFTER TAKING ONE

DEEP.

THERE IS NO WAY HE DESERVED

THAT.

WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TREATED WITH

DIGNITY IN THIRD WORLD

COUNTRIES.

I SHOULD KNOW, I USE TO LIVE IN

MIAMI.

THIS NEXT KID MUST BE A

BACHELOR.

BECAUSE HE'S DRINKING STRAIGHT

FROM THE CARTON.

HE PROBABLY HAS A MOUTH FULL OF

CORN FLAKES OR HE'S DOING THE

NEVER ENDING GALLON CHALLENGE.

JUST LIKE NICK CANNON.

>> WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN

CROTCHLESS STOCKINGS YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

YA, HERE IS YOUR REAL SLUT,

LIMBAUGH.

SHE'S TRYING TO GET TO THE

URINE DISCOUNT.

OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

I PEE SITTING DOWN TOO ON A

TOILET LIKE A RESPECTABLE

PERSON.

GOOD LORD HER BLADDER IS AS BIG

AS A SAVINGS AT OFFICE MAX.

WHY AM I TURNED ON BY THIS.

BY THE WAY IF THAT STORE'S REST

ROOMS ARE FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY I'M

ON HER SIDE.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUEST BREAKING

YOUR ARM IS A GATETEWAY DRUG TO

MORPHINE.

>> OH DANG.

>> THIS IS A FIRST TIME I HAVE

EVER FOUND THAT GUY FROM THE

TWILIGHT MOVIES ENTERTAINING.

IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T

EVEN TURNED THE GAS ON YET.

>> I FEEL LIKE THE JOKER.

>> LIKE THE JOKER YOU'RE ABOUT

TO DIE FROM AN OVERDOSE.

TOO SOON?

BY THE WAY THE FUNNY BONE ISN'T

A BONE AT ALL.

IT'S ACTUALLY A NERVE.

THERE IS NO JOKE THERE.

I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO LEARN

SOMETHING.

[LAUGHING]

>> I SEE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.

I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS I WOULD

LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

YOU WERE IN A HORRIBLE DRUNK

DRIVING ACCIDENT.

YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE

DIED.

YOUR SISTER IS ALSO DEAD.

THAT'S UNRELATED.

>> DAMN.

>> YOUR SPINAL CORD WAS SEVERED.

YOU LOST ALL FEELING BELOW YOUR

WASTE.

WE HAD TO AMPUTATE BOTH OF YOUR

LEGS AND YOUR GENTILES.

>> WHAT --

>> NEVER HEARD IT DESCRIBED THAT

WAY.

THOSE ARE BLOOD CLOTS.

YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO

SEE.

>> THAT'S THE ONLY PART OF THE

JOB I HATE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTING.

THIS SMUG BASTARD DESERVES TO

HAVE HIS FACE RIPPED OFF.

>> AND HE WILL KEEP DOING IT

UNTIL YOU WEAR YOUR YELLOW HAT

AGAIN.

DOES WINDEX GET AIDS OFF?

IT ACTUALLY DOES.

LOOK HOW HAPPY BUBBLES IS THAT

MICHAEL IS DEAD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

(OOOH!)

>> YOU KNOW THE RULES YOU BREAK

HER YOU BUY HER.

CHIROPRACTORS ARE NOT REAL

DOCTORS.

I DO WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO,

IGNORE IT UNTIL THE PAIN GOES

AWAY.

CHIROPRACTORS ARE PEOPLE WHO

WANT TO CRACK KNUCKLES ALL THE

TIME.

THEY'RE MASSEUSES WITH 20 CREDIT

HOURS.

WHEN JASON STATHOM DOES IT --

SOMEONE REFUSED TO GIVE HIM THE

ACCESS CODES.

I HOPE THAT TOWEL HAS COLOR I

RM ON IT FOR HER SAME.CHLOROFPO

THIS MAYBE A SNUFF FILM.

ASIANS WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET A

FEW INCHES TALLER.

>> CRACKING THE MOOSE KNUCKLES

IS NOT CONSIDERED MALPRACTICE.

STRESS IS STORED IN THE [BEEP]

AREA.

THAT'S ALSO HOW YOU CURE A YEAST

INFECTION.

>> IN WHAT WORLD DOES KAISER

COVER GANG BANG?

AS LOON AS THEIR IS A WASH CLOTH

BETWEEN THEM IT MAKES IT WAY

LESS RAPEY.

QUICKS QUESTION, DOC, ARE YOU

ADJUSTING MY C7 WITH YOUR BONER?

LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.

THIS IS GOING TO SAVE PEYTON

MANNING'S CAREER.

FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE PARKOUR

WEBB REDEMPTION.

BUT FIRST TELL ME YOU GOT IT.

(OOOHCLAIM).

>> I GOT IT

[BEEP]

> OH ...>

>> YOU LADIES WILL EAT ANYTHING.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S NATALIE.

INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR TIME TO

DESTROY HER FACE LIKE MOST WOMEN

SHE GOT IT OUT OF THE WAY EARLY.

PARKOUR OR ADULT LEAPFROG WAS

INVENTED IN FRANCE.

THAT'S YOUR FIRST TIP IT'S

AWFUL.

PARKOUR IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER

EXTREME SPORT.

IT'S NEITHER EXTREME NOR SPORT.

IF IT'S A SPORT THEN SOME WARS

ARE REALLY WARS.

JUMPING AROUND IS CALLED RECESS.

KANSAS HAS TONIGHT WORST PLACE

TO PARKOUR.

RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS OF

WHEATS.

>> THE GREATEST PARKOUR OF ALL

TIME WAS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

WHO DIED THROUGH A TRIPLE

CORKSTKRAOUFPLT GOT GREEDY .

NATALIE WAS JUST FINDING THE

MOST CREATIVE WAY TO GET FROM

PLACE TO PLACE.

SHE FOUND IT WAS IN A AMBULANCE.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HER TO

HOLLYWOOD WHERE PARKOUR IS DONE

BY STUNTMEN AND NOBODY CARES

ABOUT IT.

>> WHAT'S UP, TPHA*L NAT LY.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT REALLY PUTS A PEP IN

YOUR STEP.

IS IT HARD FOR TO YOU SIT STILL

LIKE THIS.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT TO YOU

THE MALL, PEACEFUL PLACE.

ENJOY A BENCH COMFORTABLY.

>> I DON'T LIKE THE MALL.

>> WHAT DOES PARKOW STAND FOR.

>> TRAVERSING FROM A TO B AS

QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS

POSSIBLE.

>> ISN'T THAT TO WALK IN A

STRAIGHT LINE.

>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT IF --

>> HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN

PARKOURING.

>> --

>> IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT.

>> ?

FREE RUNNING.

>> WHY DID YOU GET INTO IT.

>> I WAS A GYMNAST FOR YEARS.

SOMEONE INTRODUCING PARKOUR TO

ME.

>> FREE RUNNING.

>> YES.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I WAS IN AUBURN, ALABAMA.

I WAS GOING TO DO A PASS.

MY CHEST WAS TOO LOW AND MY --

HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL HIT HER

FACE AS HARD AS I DID.

>> I HAVE BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I

DO THINGS IN MY HOUSE.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?

>> I WAS VISITING PARKOURING

PLACES.

>> THEY PARKOUR AROUND BLACK

PEOPLE.

>> YOU GOT RID OF YOUR TEETH.

IS BEING TALL OR SHORT BETTER

FOR THE PARKOUR COMMUNITY?

>> MOST PEOPLE ARE ON THE

SHORTER SIDE.

>> TALL PEOPLE HAVE A BETTER

LIFE AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS

TO DO?

WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS OF ALL

THE FREE RUNNER, PARKOURERS?

>> DAVID BELL AND SEBASTIAN

FUKAN.

>> BOY, WOULD I LIKE TO SEE HIM

JUMP A MAILBOX.

>> COULD PROBABLY SIDE FLIP THAT

MAIL BOX.

>> YOU KNOW THE BEST IN HISTORY?

JESUS.

HE WENT ACROSS WATER.

YOU HAVE DONE THAT?

>> NO, VIN.

>> HE DID THAT IN I BELIEVE

BIRKENSTOCKS.

>> THEY MADE THEM BACK THEN?

>> HE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT WRECKING YOUR

LADY PARTS?

MAN, YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT'S THE OLD BONES.

THE OLD BONES.

WOOO.

YOU EVER DATE A GUY WHO

PARKOURS?

>> NUN.

>> LOUD AND CLEAR, GIRL ON GIRL.

>> NO.

>> WASN'T CLEAR.

I APOLOGIZE.

>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT

PARKOUR.

>> THE FREEDOM I GET RUNNING

AROUND.

>> YOU GET A OPPORTUNITY TO USE

IT.

HERE IS PARKOUR'S ARCH NEMESIS

THE MALL WALKERS.

ACT NORMAL OR GET THE [BEEP] OUT

OF HERE.

PLEASE THIS IS PARKOUR FREE

MALL.

>> TAX DOLLARS WILL BE WASTED ON

STUPID SIGNS AT CITY HALL SAYING

NO PARKOUR HERE.

>> PUT CLASPS OVER RAILS OVER

SKATEBOARDERS.

WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO PUT ON IT

FOR PEOPLE DON'T WALK

AGGRESSIVELY ON IT?

>> TAR.

ASKED.

PUT TAR EVERYWHERE.*>> JUST

(GAMING SOUNDS)

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S TAR.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE FIX.

I'M JUST, I'M JUST SHOP THE

IDEA.

*

>> HEY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO

FAST?

>> I TOOK THE ELEVATOR LIKE A

NORMAL PERSON.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG I

GOT A CINNABON.

THAT LADY IS STILL FOLLOWING

YOU.

PERSISTENT.

THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT THIS TIME.

>> DEFINITELY.

(ANGELIC MUSIC) OBJECT

>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CHASING HER

FORM ANYWAYS?

>> WHO, WE DO THIS WALK EVERY

MORNING.

>> SHE DID NOT MAKE IT VERY FAR

AT ALL.

LIKE A PINATA.

ALL HER HARD CANDY WENT

EVERYWHERE.

THE BEST PART ABOUT DOING THIS

SHOW IS HAVING SEX WITH ALL THE

EXTRAS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

FIRST OUR LAWYERS WANT TO

REMAINED YOU THE PRANK OF THE

WEEK WAS PERFORMED BY TRAINED

PROFESSIONALS.

(AHHH)

[LAUGHING]

[BEEP]

>> GENIUS.

THE ONLY FLAW I SEE IS THE HIGH

RISK OF DECAPITATION.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A TON

OF GREAT IDEAS.

THAT'S WHY SHARK TAEUFRPB IS MY

FAVORITE TV SHOW.

IF YOU DON'T COUNT FAT CHEF,

ALWAYS SUNNY SEASON 1-5RBS NIGHT

COURT, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS

PREGNANT, ARE YOU THERE VODKA, I

NEED YOU, I'M TRYING TO WATCH

KHEL Z AND THE CHALLENGE, BATTLE

OF THE EXHIBITS.

I WAS EXCITED WHEN SHARK TANK ME

ASKED ME BACK ON THE SHOW FOR MY

LATEST INVENTION.

>> GOOD EVENING, SHARKS, MY NAME

IS DANIEL TOSH.

YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER ME FROM

THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE.

I'M THE INVENTER OF THE HIGH

TOILET.

SCREW YOU.

HOW DID I KNOW THEY WERE GOING

TO BACK OUT AND NOT PUT THE HIGH

TOILET IN ALL OF THEIR ROOMS.

THE HIGH TOILET WAS A EXPERIENCE

FOR US ALL.

LET'S START WITH THE QUESTION.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOWLING?

THE ANSWER IS [BEEP].

IT'S A GAME PLAYED BY?

MORONS.

TO MAKE IT MORE FUN AND CATER TO

DUMB HE'S I HAVE INVENTED

SKEE-BOWL.

A COMBINATION OF SKEET BALL AND

BOWLING.

>> YOU ROLL THE BALL DOWN THE

LANES.

INSTEAD OF HITTING PINS YOU JUMP

THE BOWL BALL OFF A GOD DAMN

RAMP.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> OH!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I AM.

>> THE BEST PART IS YOU GET HUGE

TICKETS TO REDIEM FOR SOMETHING

OR KEEP THEM THEY'RE SO HUGE.

>> I PUT A GIANT SKI BALL RAMP

AT THE END OF A BOWLING LANE.

I'M ASKING FOR A TEN MILLION

DOLLAR INVESTMENT FOR A 1% STAKE

IN MY COMPANY.

>> I'M OUT.

>> NO SURPRISE.

YOU WOULDN'T BE GOOD ANYWAYS.

>> YOU WAN DO THIS FULL TIME.

>> NO I'M LOOKING TO SELL OUT.

I WANT AS LITTLE WORK AS

POSSIBLE.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR SALES LIKE,

DOLLAR NUMBERS THE LAST TWO

YEARS.

>> I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, KEVIN.

YOU'RE OUFRPLT.

>> YOU'RE A CUTE KID.

YOU'RE NUTS.

ASKING TOO MUCH TOO SOON WITH

NOTHING TO PROVE YOU COULD

ATTEMPT TO PULL IT OUT.

NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU THE MONEY.

I'M OUT.

>> YOU CAN'T BE OUT TWICE.

HOW ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU $800,000 AT

30%.

>> NO THANK YOU.

WE KNOW BOWLING AND SKI BALL IS

A WHITE MAN'S GAME.

I'M HERE FOR ONE SHARK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOU READY TO GET RICH OFF THESE

FAT DUMB HICKS.

>> YES.

>> DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE IN.

>> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

HELD ' CHECK FOR $500,000?

>> ALMOST EVERY NIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN ON TV FOR A LONG

TIME.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

>> I KNOW IT SOUNDS -- BUT IT'S

A GOOD IDEA SOMEONE PUT A

SKEE-BOWL IN AND ACCEPT THE

LIABILITY AND GIVE ME THE PROVE

IS.

DON'T FORGET TO UP LOAD YOUR

VIDEOS.

THIS COMES FROM CHESS CLUB KPHED

AOEFPL.

>> GOOD MORNING.

SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT ME.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> GUESS.

>> YOU GOT NEW JEANS.

>> NO.

>> NEW NECKLACE.

>> NO.

>> NEW SHIRT.

>> NO.

>> ALRIGHT.

WHAT IS IT?

>> KEEP GOING.

>> NEW CONTACTS.

TPHOEUFRPBLTS.

>> NEW SHOES.

>> NO.

>> BABY, LISTEN.

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK WILL YOU

TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT?

>> GUESS.

>> I DON'T WANT TO GUESS.

>> I WO*UPBT WON'T LEAVE THIS

APARTMENT UNTIL YOU GUESS WHAT

IS WRONG ABOUT ME.

>> NEW WATCH.

>> NO.

>> NEW RING?

>> NO.

>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME.

>> YOU HAVE TO GUESS IT!

>> NEW PANTS.

>> NO.

>> NEW PERFUME.

>> IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS

HOLY TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT.

>> YOU HAVE TO GUESS!

>> I DON'T WANT TO.

>> YOU HAVE TO!

>> YOU DID YOUR NAILS.

>> MASS CAR ERA.

>> NO!

>> EVERY TIME DO YOU THIS,

ALISON! TELL ME!

>> JUST GUESS!

>> YOU BOUGHT A NEW BRA.

>> NO.

>> YOU'RE PREGNANT.

>> YES.

>> THERE IS NO GOD!CLAIM

>> GUESS IF I THOUGHT THAT VIDEO

WAS FUNNY.

GUESS!

>> WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE

>> WELCOME BACK.

FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW I'M

DOING ME.

NEXT WEEK THE MMA FIGHTER WHO

LOST TO A GIRL GETS HIS LONG

AWAITED REMATCH.

>> COME ON.

>> COME.

>> HOPEFULLY WILL HE BEAT THE

[BEEP] OUT OF HER NEXT WEEK.

MEN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE

CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS,

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, CHECK OUT

OUR STORE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE

YOU ON TOUR.

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL STANDUP TOUR

FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS.

SNUBBED BY THE COMEDY AWARDS.

AS YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN TRYING

TO MODEL MY CAREER AFTER OPRAH

WINFREY EXCEPT FOR HER STARTING

HER OWN NETWORK, HEMORRHAGING

MONEY AND GETTING NO RATINGS.

I FOUND OUT SHE MAKES HER STAFF

MEDITATE TWICE A DAY.

I AM ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO

BOOST PRODUCTIVITY.

EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR WE DO 30

SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR.

(SIREN)

>> 30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE

PARKOUR.

>> FEEL FREE TO SEND IN YOUR OWN

30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR.

I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH IT

ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE DIES.

ME AND -- NOW SOMEONE GIVE ME A

HAND.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> HAVE YOU PARBOURED OUT OF A

CREEPY DATE?

>> NO, I SHOULD DO THAT.

SEUFRBLTS THERE A PARKOUR HIGH?

>> THERE IS A HIGH FROM

EXERCISING, SAME THING.