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>> TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEO FROM
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THE INTERNET AND IS FOR A MATURE
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AUDIENCE.
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COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE
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THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED AND
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DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM
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PERFORMING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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(TALKING
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IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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*
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>> THE FASHION POLICE TAKE JEAN
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SHORTS SERIOUSLY.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.O DON'T BE
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CONFUSED I'M NOT MUMFORD & SONS.
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IT'S ME, DANIEL.
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JUST SPORTING RAG AND BONE.
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WE GET A WEB REDEMPTION.
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I GET IN THE SHARK TANK WITH A
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA AND I SHOW
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YOU HOW WE RELIEVE STRESS AROUND
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THE OFFICE.
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NOW LET'S SEE HER STICK IT TO
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THE MAN AGAIN.
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>> AYE, AYE, AYE.
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YOU MIGHT WAN TO DO A BETTER JOB
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HIDING THE MURDER WEAPON.
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SHE TOSSED THAT LUMBER ASIDE
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LIKE PUJOLS AFTER TAKING ONE
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DEEP.
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THERE IS NO WAY HE DESERVED
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THAT.
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WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TREATED WITH
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DIGNITY IN THIRD WORLD
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COUNTRIES.
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I SHOULD KNOW, I USE TO LIVE IN
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MIAMI.
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THIS NEXT KID MUST BE A
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BACHELOR.
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BECAUSE HE'S DRINKING STRAIGHT
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FROM THE CARTON.
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HE PROBABLY HAS A MOUTH FULL OF
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CORN FLAKES OR HE'S DOING THE
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NEVER ENDING GALLON CHALLENGE.
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JUST LIKE NICK CANNON.
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>> WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN
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CROTCHLESS STOCKINGS YOU'RE
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LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
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YA, HERE IS YOUR REAL SLUT,
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LIMBAUGH.
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SHE'S TRYING TO GET TO THE
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URINE DISCOUNT.
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OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.
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I PEE SITTING DOWN TOO ON A
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TOILET LIKE A RESPECTABLE
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PERSON.
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GOOD LORD HER BLADDER IS AS BIG
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AS A SAVINGS AT OFFICE MAX.
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WHY AM I TURNED ON BY THIS.
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BY THE WAY IF THAT STORE'S REST
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ROOMS ARE FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY I'M
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ON HER SIDE.
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WHO WOULD HAVE GUEST BREAKING
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YOUR ARM IS A GATETEWAY DRUG TO
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MORPHINE.
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>> OH DANG.
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>> THIS IS A FIRST TIME I HAVE
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EVER FOUND THAT GUY FROM THE
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TWILIGHT MOVIES ENTERTAINING.
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IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T
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EVEN TURNED THE GAS ON YET.
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>> I FEEL LIKE THE JOKER.
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>> LIKE THE JOKER YOU'RE ABOUT
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TO DIE FROM AN OVERDOSE.
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TOO SOON?
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BY THE WAY THE FUNNY BONE ISN'T
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A BONE AT ALL.
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IT'S ACTUALLY A NERVE.
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THERE IS NO JOKE THERE.
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I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO LEARN
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SOMETHING.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I SEE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
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I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS I WOULD
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LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
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YOU WERE IN A HORRIBLE DRUNK
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DRIVING ACCIDENT.
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YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE
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DIED.
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YOUR SISTER IS ALSO DEAD.
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THAT'S UNRELATED.
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>> DAMN.
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>> YOUR SPINAL CORD WAS SEVERED.
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YOU LOST ALL FEELING BELOW YOUR
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WASTE.
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WE HAD TO AMPUTATE BOTH OF YOUR
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LEGS AND YOUR GENTILES.
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>> WHAT --
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>> NEVER HEARD IT DESCRIBED THAT
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WAY.
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THOSE ARE BLOOD CLOTS.
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YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO
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SEE.
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>> THAT'S THE ONLY PART OF THE
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JOB I HATE.
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I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTING.
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THIS SMUG BASTARD DESERVES TO
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HAVE HIS FACE RIPPED OFF.
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>> AND HE WILL KEEP DOING IT
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UNTIL YOU WEAR YOUR YELLOW HAT
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AGAIN.
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DOES WINDEX GET AIDS OFF?
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IT ACTUALLY DOES.
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LOOK HOW HAPPY BUBBLES IS THAT
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MICHAEL IS DEAD.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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(OOOH!)
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>> YOU KNOW THE RULES YOU BREAK
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HER YOU BUY HER.
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CHIROPRACTORS ARE NOT REAL
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DOCTORS.
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I DO WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO,
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IGNORE IT UNTIL THE PAIN GOES
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AWAY.
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CHIROPRACTORS ARE PEOPLE WHO
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WANT TO CRACK KNUCKLES ALL THE
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TIME.
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THEY'RE MASSEUSES WITH 20 CREDIT
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HOURS.
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WHEN JASON STATHOM DOES IT --
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SOMEONE REFUSED TO GIVE HIM THE
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ACCESS CODES.
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I HOPE THAT TOWEL HAS COLOR I
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RM ON IT FOR HER SAME.CHLOROFPO
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THIS MAYBE A SNUFF FILM.
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ASIANS WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET A
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FEW INCHES TALLER.
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>> CRACKING THE MOOSE KNUCKLES
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IS NOT CONSIDERED MALPRACTICE.
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STRESS IS STORED IN THE [BEEP]
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AREA.
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THAT'S ALSO HOW YOU CURE A YEAST
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INFECTION.
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>> IN WHAT WORLD DOES KAISER
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COVER GANG BANG?
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AS LOON AS THEIR IS A WASH CLOTH
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BETWEEN THEM IT MAKES IT WAY
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LESS RAPEY.
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QUICKS QUESTION, DOC, ARE YOU
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ADJUSTING MY C7 WITH YOUR BONER?
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LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.
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THIS IS GOING TO SAVE PEYTON
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MANNING'S CAREER.
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FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE PARKOUR
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WEBB REDEMPTION.
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BUT FIRST TELL ME YOU GOT IT.
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(OOOHCLAIM).
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>> I GOT IT
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[BEEP]
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> OH ...>
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>> YOU LADIES WILL EAT ANYTHING.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT'S NATALIE.
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INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR TIME TO
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DESTROY HER FACE LIKE MOST WOMEN
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SHE GOT IT OUT OF THE WAY EARLY.
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PARKOUR OR ADULT LEAPFROG WAS
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INVENTED IN FRANCE.
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THAT'S YOUR FIRST TIP IT'S
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AWFUL.
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PARKOUR IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER
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EXTREME SPORT.
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IT'S NEITHER EXTREME NOR SPORT.
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IF IT'S A SPORT THEN SOME WARS
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ARE REALLY WARS.
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JUMPING AROUND IS CALLED RECESS.
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KANSAS HAS TONIGHT WORST PLACE
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TO PARKOUR.
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RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS OF
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WHEATS.
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>> THE GREATEST PARKOUR OF ALL
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TIME WAS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.
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WHO DIED THROUGH A TRIPLE
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CORKSTKRAOUFPLT GOT GREEDY .
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NATALIE WAS JUST FINDING THE
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MOST CREATIVE WAY TO GET FROM
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PLACE TO PLACE.
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SHE FOUND IT WAS IN A AMBULANCE.
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THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HER TO
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HOLLYWOOD WHERE PARKOUR IS DONE
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BY STUNTMEN AND NOBODY CARES
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ABOUT IT.
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>> WHAT'S UP, TPHA*L NAT LY.
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>> HEY, DANIEL.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT REALLY PUTS A PEP IN
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YOUR STEP.
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IS IT HARD FOR TO YOU SIT STILL
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LIKE THIS.
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>> A LITTLE BIT.
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>> THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT TO YOU
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THE MALL, PEACEFUL PLACE.
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ENJOY A BENCH COMFORTABLY.
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>> I DON'T LIKE THE MALL.
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>> WHAT DOES PARKOW STAND FOR.
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>> TRAVERSING FROM A TO B AS
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QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS
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POSSIBLE.
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>> ISN'T THAT TO WALK IN A
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STRAIGHT LINE.
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>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT IF --
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>> HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN
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PARKOURING.
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>> --
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>> IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT.
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>> ?
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FREE RUNNING.
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>> WHY DID YOU GET INTO IT.
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>> I WAS A GYMNAST FOR YEARS.
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SOMEONE INTRODUCING PARKOUR TO
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ME.
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>> FREE RUNNING.
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>> YES.
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>> WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> I WAS IN AUBURN, ALABAMA.
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I WAS GOING TO DO A PASS.
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MY CHEST WAS TOO LOW AND MY --
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HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL HIT HER
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FACE AS HARD AS I DID.
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>> I HAVE BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I
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DO THINGS IN MY HOUSE.
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WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
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>> I WAS VISITING PARKOURING
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PLACES.
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>> THEY PARKOUR AROUND BLACK
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PEOPLE.
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>> YOU GOT RID OF YOUR TEETH.
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IS BEING TALL OR SHORT BETTER
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FOR THE PARKOUR COMMUNITY?
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>> MOST PEOPLE ARE ON THE
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SHORTER SIDE.
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>> TALL PEOPLE HAVE A BETTER
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LIFE AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
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TO DO?
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WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS OF ALL
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THE FREE RUNNER, PARKOURERS?
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>> DAVID BELL AND SEBASTIAN
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FUKAN.
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>> BOY, WOULD I LIKE TO SEE HIM
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JUMP A MAILBOX.
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>> COULD PROBABLY SIDE FLIP THAT
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MAIL BOX.
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>> YOU KNOW THE BEST IN HISTORY?
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JESUS.
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HE WENT ACROSS WATER.
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YOU HAVE DONE THAT?
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>> NO, VIN.
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>> HE DID THAT IN I BELIEVE
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BIRKENSTOCKS.
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>> THEY MADE THEM BACK THEN?
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>> HE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM.
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DO YOU WORRY ABOUT WRECKING YOUR
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LADY PARTS?
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MAN, YOU HEAR THAT?
267
00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:58,333
THAT'S THE OLD BONES.
268
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:01,973
THE OLD BONES.
269
00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:02,597
WOOO.
270
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,630
YOU EVER DATE A GUY WHO
271
00:11:05,633 --> 00:11:06,073
PARKOURS?
272
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,667
>> NUN.
273
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,627
>> LOUD AND CLEAR, GIRL ON GIRL.
274
00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:11,133
>> NO.
275
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:12,803
>> WASN'T CLEAR.
276
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:13,500
I APOLOGIZE.
277
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,230
>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT
278
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:16,573
PARKOUR.
279
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:18,327
>> THE FREEDOM I GET RUNNING
280
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:18,673
AROUND.
281
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:21,727
>> YOU GET A OPPORTUNITY TO USE
282
00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:22,303
IT.
283
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:28,400
HERE IS PARKOUR'S ARCH NEMESIS
284
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,430
THE MALL WALKERS.
285
00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,903
ACT NORMAL OR GET THE [BEEP] OUT
286
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,630
OF HERE.
287
00:11:32,633 --> 00:11:35,073
PLEASE THIS IS PARKOUR FREE
288
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:37,927
MALL.
289
00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:40,533
>> TAX DOLLARS WILL BE WASTED ON
290
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,333
STUPID SIGNS AT CITY HALL SAYING
291
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:54,503
NO PARKOUR HERE.
292
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:59,370
>> PUT CLASPS OVER RAILS OVER
293
00:11:59,367 --> 00:11:59,867
SKATEBOARDERS.
294
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,867
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO PUT ON IT
295
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:03,667
FOR PEOPLE DON'T WALK
296
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:17,527
AGGRESSIVELY ON IT?
297
00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:20,273
>> TAR.
298
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:20,567
ASKED.
299
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:31,197
PUT TAR EVERYWHERE.*>> JUST
300
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,470
(GAMING SOUNDS)
301
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:35,167
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S TAR.
302
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:36,697
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE FIX.
303
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,230
I'M JUST, I'M JUST SHOP THE
304
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:42,103
IDEA.
305
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:53,200
*
306
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,700
>> HEY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO
307
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:57,070
FAST?
308
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,127
>> I TOOK THE ELEVATOR LIKE A
309
00:12:59,133 --> 00:12:59,703
NORMAL PERSON.
310
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,570
I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG I
311
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:05,727
GOT A CINNABON.
312
00:13:05,733 --> 00:13:08,973
THAT LADY IS STILL FOLLOWING
313
00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:10,067
YOU.
314
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:10,427
PERSISTENT.
315
00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:11,773
THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT THIS TIME.
316
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:23,727
>> DEFINITELY.
317
00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:30,273
(ANGELIC MUSIC) OBJECT
318
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,467
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CHASING HER
319
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,367
FORM ANYWAYS?
320
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:39,567
>> WHO, WE DO THIS WALK EVERY
321
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:40,727
MORNING.
322
00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:42,673
>> SHE DID NOT MAKE IT VERY FAR
323
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,897
AT ALL.
324
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,200
LIKE A PINATA.
325
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,100
ALL HER HARD CANDY WENT
326
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:48,500
EVERYWHERE.
327
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,370
THE BEST PART ABOUT DOING THIS
328
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,267
SHOW IS HAVING SEX WITH ALL THE
329
00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:53,067
EXTRAS.
330
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,067
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
331
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,427
FIRST OUR LAWYERS WANT TO
332
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:57,703
REMAINED YOU THE PRANK OF THE
333
00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:02,270
WEEK WAS PERFORMED BY TRAINED
334
00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:06,227
PROFESSIONALS.
335
00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:07,833
(AHHH)
336
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:15,603
[LAUGHING]
337
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:27,470
[BEEP]
338
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:30,227
>> GENIUS.
339
00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:32,573
THE ONLY FLAW I SEE IS THE HIGH
340
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,227
RISK OF DECAPITATION.
341
00:14:34,233 --> 00:14:36,103
AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A TON
342
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,570
OF GREAT IDEAS.
343
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,097
THAT'S WHY SHARK TAEUFRPB IS MY
344
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,330
FAVORITE TV SHOW.
345
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:43,273
IF YOU DON'T COUNT FAT CHEF,
346
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:46,227
ALWAYS SUNNY SEASON 1-5RBS NIGHT
347
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,773
COURT, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
348
00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:49,567
PREGNANT, ARE YOU THERE VODKA, I
349
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,697
NEED YOU, I'M TRYING TO WATCH
350
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,500
KHEL Z AND THE CHALLENGE, BATTLE
351
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,830
OF THE EXHIBITS.
352
00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,503
I WAS EXCITED WHEN SHARK TANK ME
353
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,070
ASKED ME BACK ON THE SHOW FOR MY
354
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:02,697
LATEST INVENTION.
355
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,670
>> GOOD EVENING, SHARKS, MY NAME
356
00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:07,397
IS DANIEL TOSH.
357
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,070
YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER ME FROM
358
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,697
THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE.
359
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,270
I'M THE INVENTER OF THE HIGH
360
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:14,597
TOILET.
361
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,230
SCREW YOU.
362
00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:18,073
HOW DID I KNOW THEY WERE GOING
363
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:22,067
TO BACK OUT AND NOT PUT THE HIGH
364
00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,727
TOILET IN ALL OF THEIR ROOMS.
365
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:29,473
THE HIGH TOILET WAS A EXPERIENCE
366
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:30,697
FOR US ALL.
367
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,070
LET'S START WITH THE QUESTION.
368
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,797
WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOWLING?
369
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,270
THE ANSWER IS [BEEP].
370
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,397
IT'S A GAME PLAYED BY?
371
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:44,400
MORONS.
372
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,870
TO MAKE IT MORE FUN AND CATER TO
373
00:15:47,867 --> 00:15:50,867
DUMB HE'S I HAVE INVENTED
374
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,267
SKEE-BOWL.
375
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:54,097
A COMBINATION OF SKEET BALL AND
376
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:54,430
BOWLING.
377
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:56,973
>> YOU ROLL THE BALL DOWN THE
378
00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:57,967
LANES.
379
00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:01,197
INSTEAD OF HITTING PINS YOU JUMP
380
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,070
THE BOWL BALL OFF A GOD DAMN
381
00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:05,927
RAMP.
382
00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:06,933
[ APPLAUSE ]
383
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:09,103
>> OH!
384
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,700
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
385
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:12,070
I AM.
386
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,167
>> THE BEST PART IS YOU GET HUGE
387
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,397
TICKETS TO REDIEM FOR SOMETHING
388
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,200
OR KEEP THEM THEY'RE SO HUGE.
389
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,900
>> I PUT A GIANT SKI BALL RAMP
390
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,400
AT THE END OF A BOWLING LANE.
391
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,330
I'M ASKING FOR A TEN MILLION
392
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,533
DOLLAR INVESTMENT FOR A 1% STAKE
393
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:31,303
IN MY COMPANY.
394
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,700
>> I'M OUT.
395
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,570
>> NO SURPRISE.
396
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:36,427
YOU WOULDN'T BE GOOD ANYWAYS.
397
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,173
>> YOU WAN DO THIS FULL TIME.
398
00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,267
>> NO I'M LOOKING TO SELL OUT.
399
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,067
I WANT AS LITTLE WORK AS
400
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:42,367
POSSIBLE.
401
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,497
>> WHAT ARE YOUR SALES LIKE,
402
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,070
DOLLAR NUMBERS THE LAST TWO
403
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:46,667
YEARS.
404
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:48,967
>> I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, KEVIN.
405
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:49,467
YOU'RE OUFRPLT.
406
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,927
>> YOU'RE A CUTE KID.
407
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,073
YOU'RE NUTS.
408
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,127
ASKING TOO MUCH TOO SOON WITH
409
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,233
NOTHING TO PROVE YOU COULD
410
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,503
ATTEMPT TO PULL IT OUT.
411
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,130
NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
412
00:16:59,133 --> 00:16:59,503
I'M OUT.
413
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,470
>> YOU CAN'T BE OUT TWICE.
414
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,067
HOW ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE.
415
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,667
>> I WILL GIVE YOU $800,000 AT
416
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:06,927
30%.
417
00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,233
>> NO THANK YOU.
418
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:10,173
WE KNOW BOWLING AND SKI BALL IS
419
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,567
A WHITE MAN'S GAME.
420
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:13,067
I'M HERE FOR ONE SHARK.
421
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:14,327
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
422
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:20,073
YOU READY TO GET RICH OFF THESE
423
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,167
FAT DUMB HICKS.
424
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:21,697
>> YES.
425
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,230
>> DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE IN.
426
00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:25,073
>> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
427
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,927
HELD ' CHECK FOR $500,000?
428
00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,133
>> ALMOST EVERY NIGHT.
429
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:32,073
I HAVE BEEN ON TV FOR A LONG
430
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:32,297
TIME.
431
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,630
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
432
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:40,833
>> I KNOW IT SOUNDS -- BUT IT'S
433
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:44,633
A GOOD IDEA SOMEONE PUT A
434
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:47,373
SKEE-BOWL IN AND ACCEPT THE
435
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,727
LIABILITY AND GIVE ME THE PROVE
436
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:50,373
IS.
437
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,867
DON'T FORGET TO UP LOAD YOUR
438
00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:53,197
VIDEOS.
439
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,900
THIS COMES FROM CHESS CLUB KPHED
440
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,230
AOEFPL.
441
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,103
>> GOOD MORNING.
442
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,500
SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT ME.
443
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,700
>> WHAT IS IT?
444
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:01,230
>> GUESS.
445
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:02,673
>> YOU GOT NEW JEANS.
446
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,467
>> NO.
447
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:05,967
>> NEW NECKLACE.
448
00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:06,367
>> NO.
449
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,827
>> NEW SHIRT.
450
00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:08,773
>> NO.
451
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:10,067
>> ALRIGHT.
452
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:13,297
WHAT IS IT?
453
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,400
>> KEEP GOING.
454
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,900
>> NEW CONTACTS.
455
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:17,370
TPHOEUFRPBLTS.
456
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,227
>> NEW SHOES.
457
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:18,703
>> NO.
458
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,100
>> BABY, LISTEN.
459
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,770
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK WILL YOU
460
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,727
TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT?
461
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:24,473
>> GUESS.
462
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:25,897
>> I DON'T WANT TO GUESS.
463
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,800
>> I WO*UPBT WON'T LEAVE THIS
464
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,170
APARTMENT UNTIL YOU GUESS WHAT
465
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,067
IS WRONG ABOUT ME.
466
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:31,967
>> NEW WATCH.
467
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:32,297
>> NO.
468
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,130
>> NEW RING?
469
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:33,803
>> NO.
470
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,900
>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME.
471
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,430
>> YOU HAVE TO GUESS IT!
472
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:38,673
>> NEW PANTS.
473
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,067
>> NO.
474
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:41,067
>> NEW PERFUME.
475
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:43,897
>> IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS
476
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:45,770
HOLY TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT.
477
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,467
>> YOU HAVE TO GUESS!
478
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,927
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
479
00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:50,073
>> YOU HAVE TO!
480
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,827
>> YOU DID YOUR NAILS.
481
00:18:51,833 --> 00:18:53,073
>> MASS CAR ERA.
482
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:56,927
>> NO!
483
00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:59,573
>> EVERY TIME DO YOU THIS,
484
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:00,897
ALISON! TELL ME!
485
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,400
>> JUST GUESS!
486
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,400
>> YOU BOUGHT A NEW BRA.
487
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:04,970
>> NO.
488
00:19:04,967 --> 00:19:06,597
>> YOU'RE PREGNANT.
489
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:07,270
>> YES.
490
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:11,667
>> THERE IS NO GOD!CLAIM
491
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,127
>> GUESS IF I THOUGHT THAT VIDEO
492
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:15,403
WAS FUNNY.
493
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:15,800
GUESS!
494
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:28,230
>> WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE
495
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,403
>> WELCOME BACK.
496
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,730
FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW I'M
497
00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:32,633
DOING ME.
498
00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,203
NEXT WEEK THE MMA FIGHTER WHO
499
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,830
LOST TO A GIRL GETS HIS LONG
500
00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:38,973
AWAITED REMATCH.
501
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:39,397
>> COME ON.
502
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,900
>> COME.
503
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,070
>> HOPEFULLY WILL HE BEAT THE
504
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,397
[BEEP] OUT OF HER NEXT WEEK.
505
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,070
MEN!
506
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:47,567
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
507
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,727
>> FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE
508
00:19:49,733 --> 00:19:52,303
CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS,
509
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:55,170
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG, CHECK OUT
510
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:56,827
OUR STORE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
511
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:57,933
YOU ON TOUR.
512
00:19:57,933 --> 00:20:00,273
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL STANDUP TOUR
513
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,867
FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS.
514
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,227
SNUBBED BY THE COMEDY AWARDS.
515
00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:05,933
AS YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN TRYING
516
00:20:05,933 --> 00:20:09,533
TO MODEL MY CAREER AFTER OPRAH
517
00:20:09,533 --> 00:20:13,303
WINFREY EXCEPT FOR HER STARTING
518
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,330
HER OWN NETWORK, HEMORRHAGING
519
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:18,433
MONEY AND GETTING NO RATINGS.
520
00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:21,673
I FOUND OUT SHE MAKES HER STAFF
521
00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:23,027
MEDITATE TWICE A DAY.
522
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:26,733
I AM ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO
523
00:20:26,733 --> 00:20:28,073
BOOST PRODUCTIVITY.
524
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,397
EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR WE DO 30
525
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:36,400
SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR.
526
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:53,170
(SIREN)
527
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:57,067
>> 30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE
528
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:57,397
PARKOUR.
529
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,100
>> FEEL FREE TO SEND IN YOUR OWN
530
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:02,430
30 SECONDS OF HARDKORE PARKOUR.
531
00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:04,473
I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH IT
532
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,267
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE DIES.
533
00:21:06,267 --> 00:21:08,797
ME AND -- NOW SOMEONE GIVE ME A
534
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,100
HAND.
535
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:17,070
[ APPLAUSE ]
536
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,697
>> HAVE YOU PARBOURED OUT OF A
537
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,270
CREEPY DATE?
538
00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:21,897
>> NO, I SHOULD DO THAT.
539
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,330
SEUFRBLTS THERE A PARKOUR HIGH?
540
00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:25,833
>> THERE IS A HIGH FROM
541
00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:26,573
EXERCISING, SAME THING.
32970
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