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[APPLAUSE]
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AH, LUCKILY ESCALATORS ARE SUPER
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SOFT.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED?
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WE'VE OFFICIALLY HIT OUR MID
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SEASON SLUMP.
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BUT CLEARLY THE HIGH FASHION HAS
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NEVER BEEN HOTTER.
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THANK YOU MARC JACOBS.
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I'M GONNA GO ON A LIMB HERE AND
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SAY I LOOK DOWNRIGHT CUTE.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW
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THE WORLD'S WORST SKETCH GETS A
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REDEMPTION
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I ADDRESS THE VERY SERIOUS
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PROBLEM OF BULLYING
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AND WE DO SOME SPRING CLEANING.
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NOW HERE'S
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WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DILLARD'S
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ANNOUNCES THEIR ONE DAY SALE.
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IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH TO PICK HIS
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TEETH OUT OF THOSE METAL
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GROOVES.
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THE ONLY MISTAKE
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HE MADE IS FORGETTING THAT
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HUMANS CANNOT FLY EXCEPT FOR
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CRISS ANGEL.
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CRISS ANGEL CAN FLY.
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NOW GET UP BEFORE YOUR SHOELACE
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GETS CAUGHT.
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THIS IS THE ADORABLE SIDE OF
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COMMUNISM.
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THEY'RE AUDITIONING TO BE
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ADOPTED.
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I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A RIDE AT
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DISNEYLAND.
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THOSE ARE ACTUALLY FULL-SIZED
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ADULTS.
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KOREAN GUITARS ARE GIGANTIC.
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ALRIGHT, LET'S WRAP IT UP.
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THOSE IPADS AREN'T GOING TO
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ASSEMBLE THEMSELVES.
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IT'S EASY TO HAVE TALENTED KIDS
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WHEN YOU KILL ALL THE BAD ONES.
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[SCREAMING]
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GUYS THAT WASN'T REAL.
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THAT WAS SPECIAL EFFECTS.
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IT'S NICE TO FINALLY SEE A CHILD
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MOLESTING SUCCESS STORY.
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ALRIGHT, THIS GRANDMA, SHE'S 68
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AND THE BOY IS 19.
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AND BEFORE YOU JUMP TO ANY
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CONCLUSIONS, MAYBE THEY'RE JUST
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[BLEEP] BUDDIES.
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WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE IS THAT SHE
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HAS AN AMAZING ASS.
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A TIGHT, TIGHT
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HE CAN REALLY TASTE THE
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EXPERIENCE ON HER TONGUE.
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HE BETTER PROPOSE SOON OR ELSE
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THEY CAN KISS HAVING KIDS
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GOODBYE.
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I'D LIKE TO COMMIT A LITTLE
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BESTIALITY WITH THIS NEXT
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FILLY.
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I'M NOT SO SURE THIS ISN'T SOME
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RICH GUYS CREATIVE USE OF A
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HOOKER.
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IF SHE BREAKS A NAIL, I THINK
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YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SHOOT HER.
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UNFORTUNATELY, SHE DIDN'T MAKE
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THE CUT FOR THE TOSH.0
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PREAKNESS.
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[HOR
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[HORNS] OUT OF THE GATES.
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FOLLOWED BY KIM.
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SECRETARY AND SOMETHING RACE.
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KIM IN HOT PURSUIT.
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NECK AND NECK FOR LAST.
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OH THE JOCKEY GOES DOWN AS PHONY
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ON TWIT GOES DOWN.
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>> AND THE JOCKEY GETS THE
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ROSES.
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YES, THERE WERE BOYS RIDING OUR
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NAKED BODIES, BUT WE WERE
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PRETENDING TO BE HORSES.
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AND HORSES DON'T WEAR PANTS.
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WERE YOU AWARE THAT HOSPITALS
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ARE NOW LETTING YOU BRING HOME
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YOUR PARTS AFTER SURGERY?
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HELLO.
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THIS IS DONALD CARLSON.
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AND THIS IS MY FOOT.
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THAT'S MY STUMP.
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HERE'S WHAT CAME OFF OF IT.
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THIS IS THE BALLS FROM MY FOOT.
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HERE'S A TENDON.
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IT'S FREEZING, AT LEAST PUT A
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SOCK ON.
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YOU'RE GONNA WANT GET THAT THING
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TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE YOU
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GRILL IT.
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I CAN WIGGLE MY TOES IN MY HAND.
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THE ICE CREAM IS IN THE FREEZER
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BEHIND MY RIGHT FOOT.
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IT LOOKS LIKE I TOOK A BITE.
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WE'RE BLEEDING.
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THAT'S NOT GOOD.
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WE'RE STARTING TO BLEEDING.
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HE IS REALLY GOOD AT TWISTER.
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HE JUST SETS HIS FOOT ON GREEN.
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AND THEN DRY HUMPS YOUR SISTER.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[SCREAMING]
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>> BREATHE.
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>> I CAN'T BREATHE.
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HE CRIES MORE BEFORE 9AM THAN
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MOST [BLEEP] DO ALL DAY.
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NOW, LET'S SALUTE ONE OF THE FEW
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AND NOT SO PROUD IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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WHAT'S WITH THE PEPPER SPRAY?
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ARE THEY TEACHING OUR BOYS TO
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FEND OFF RAPISTS?
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IT'S A GOOD THING BIN LADEN
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DIDN'T HAVE ANY IN HIS PURSE OR
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HE WOULD'VE SHUT DOWN SEAL TEAM
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6 WITH ONE SQUIRT.
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CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 3
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DID NOT PREPARE HIM FOR THIS
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[BLEEP].
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>> YOU'RE DOING GOOD.
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I HOPE PRIVATE PYLE USES
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JOHNSON'S BABY SHAMPOO.
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I THINK THE PAD IS WINNING.
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I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IED MAGNET
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ISN'T THE GUY WHO SLAYS THE
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DRAGON IN THOSE MARINE
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COMMERCIALS.
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>> YOU'RE DOING GOOD.
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YOU'RE DOING GOOD.
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IF THAT'S CONSIDERED GOOD, IT'S
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PROBABLY TIME WE ALL START
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LEARNING CHINESE.
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>> NEXT CASE.
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OVER HERE.
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I'M NOT, I'M NOT SURE EVERYBODY
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WAS DEAD AT THE LAST STATION.
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YOU MIGHT NEED TO GO BACK.
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THIS IS YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT
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WORK, AMERICA.
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GAS PRICES ARE NEVER GOING DOWN
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AGAIN.
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>> OPEN YOUR EYES.
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DRUB THEM.
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SOMETIMES, WHEN YOUR EYES ARE
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BURNING AND YOU THINK YOU'RE
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GOING TO DIE, YOU HAVE TO ASK
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YOURSELF, "IS FREE COMMUNITY
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COLLEGE REALLY WORTH THIS?"
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TURNS OUT UNCLE SAM WAS POINTING
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AT A DIFFERENT GUY.
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I'M JUST GLAD "OPERATION WEED
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OUT NANCY BOY" WAS A SUCCESS,
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AND FOR THAT WE SAY, "HOO-YAH!"
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THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY IN THE
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NAVY.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB
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SKETCHDEMPTION, BUT FIRST
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DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT A
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HERITAGE UNIT IS?
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IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LOCOMOTIVE.
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AND THIS LUCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH
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FINALLY CAUGHT ONE ON CAMERA.
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I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
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MOMENT FOR MONTHS. AND IT'S
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FINALLY HERE.
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I'M FINALLY GOING TO GET ON
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CAMERA.
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>> YEAH.
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>> THIS WILL BE 1989 RIO GRANDE.
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WOOHOO.
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WHOO?
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>> SHE'S A BEAUTY.
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SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.
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>> HAVEN'T HAD A LOT OF LUCK
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LATELY.
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THAT MADE UP FOR IT ALL.
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>> YOU'RE SICK.
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YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
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>> BRAIN YAK WANTS TO SHOW ME
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HOW IT'S ALL DONE.
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BRING BACK YOUR ARMS.
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KEEP LOOKING AT THE BALL.
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WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
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I'M GIVING KEAGAN SOME POINTERS
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ON HIS GOLF STROKE.
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CAN I JOIN?
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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YOUR FEET.
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SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
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00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:59,054
>> YOUR FEET STEADY WITH THE
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BALL.
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00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,648
THAT WAS SO UNWATCHABLE COMEDY
206
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CENTRAL JUST PICKED IT UP FOR 10
207
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:06,819
EPISODES.
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00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:07,560
WE SEARCHED FOR OVER A YEAR TO
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00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:08,285
FIND THE WORST SKETCH WITH THE
210
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:08,988
FEWEST VIEWS THAT WE THOUGHT
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WE COULD REMAKE.
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00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,560
AND THAT SKETCH BELONGED TO THE
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00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,129
TROUPE CALLED FILMS YOU LIKE.
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THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THEIR
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00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:14,957
HORRIBLE NAME IS SKETCH COMEDY
216
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,062
IN GENERAL.
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00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:17,804
I HATE THE SKETCHES ON MY OWN
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SHOW, SO JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH I
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00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,226
WANT TO END MY LIFE WHEN I'M
220
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SITTING THROUGH 7 MINUTES OF
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00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,374
YOURS.
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MAKING FUNNY SKETCHES IS HARD.
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IF SOMEONE AS BRILLIANT AS
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00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,772
CHAPPELLE LITERALLY WENT NUTS
225
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:27,814
TRYING TO DO IT, WHAT MAKES YOU
226
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,578
AND YOUR UNTALENTED FRIENDS
227
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:31,176
THINK YOU CAN PULL IT OFF?
228
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,208
A SKETCH GROUP IS FIVE DUDES AND
229
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:32,982
ONE AVERAGE CHICK THEY ALL WANT
230
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TO BONE.
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00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:35,582
OR FIVE GUYS THAT DRESS LIKE
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CHICKS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S
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FUNNY IN CANADA.
234
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,190
AND LET'S QUIT SAYING SATURDAY
235
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NIGHT LIVE ISN'T AS GOOD AS IT
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USED TO BE.
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IT HAS NEVER BEEN GOOD, AND THE
238
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:46,856
ONLY REASON YOU THOUGHT IT WAS
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IS BECAUSE YOU WERE 15 AND
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EXCITED TO BE AWAKE AFTER
241
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MIDNIGHT.
242
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THERE HAVE BEEN 118 CAST MEMBERS
243
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ON SNL AND ONLY THREE OF THEM
244
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WERE EVER FUNNY.
245
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WILL FERRELL
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BILL MURRAY
247
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NORM MACDONALD.
248
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DISCUSSION IS OVER.
249
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,167
IF CHEVY CHASE WAS FUNNY, HE'D
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STILL BE FUNNY.
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00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:01,471
NOT THE 6TH STAR ON A SHOW NBC
252
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,514
CAN'T WAIT TO CANCEL.
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00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:05,281
I COULD GO ON, BUT UNLIKE SNL, I
254
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KNOW WHEN TO WRAP IT UP.
255
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:07,717
FUNNY OR DIE IS THE NEW HIP
256
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PLACE FOR SKETCHES.
257
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:10,723
THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT IT
258
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,478
IS THAT IT GIVES YOU THE OPTION
259
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,054
TO KILL VIDEOS.
260
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:12,752
UNFORTUNATELY
261
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JERRY O'CONNELL NEVER ACTUALLY
262
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DIES.
263
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:16,763
JON HAMM WAS OUR BACKUP FOR THAT
264
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,757
JOKE.
265
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,529
OH, AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION
266
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,426
MONTY PYTHON SUCKS?
267
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:22,158
THOSE KIDS THOUGHT THEY COULD
268
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,062
MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY.
269
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:23,803
AND LIKE THE REST OF YOU, THEY
270
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,197
WERE WRONG.
271
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:26,298
SO WE BROUGHT THEM TO L.A.,
272
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,429
WHERE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
273
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,644
AN ORIGINAL IDEA, FOR OUR FIRST
274
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,737
EVER SKETCH-DEMPTION.
275
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,839
LIVE FROM CULVER CITY, IT'S
276
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:48,660
TUESDAY NIGHT!
277
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,756
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN DANIEL
278
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:51,058
TOSH.
279
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,188
>> LET'S GO GUYS.
280
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:56,263
YOU DIDN'T PAY ZEFEDS FOR
281
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:56,663
NOTHING.
282
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,904
>> WHY DID YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS
283
00:09:58,899 --> 00:09:59,199
CLASS.
284
00:09:59,199 --> 00:09:59,669
TO BE FUNNY.
285
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:03,267
IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A CLASS IN
286
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,610
COMEDY, KNOW THAT YOUR CAREER
287
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,635
HAS ALREADY ENDED.
288
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,340
THE MERE FACT THAT YOU ARE HERE
289
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,141
MEANS THAT YOU ARE NOT FUNNY AND
290
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,713
YOU'RE STUPID.
291
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,352
OKAY.
292
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,675
NOW WHY DO I TELL YOU BECAUSE
293
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:20,792
THE MONEY IS NONREFUNDABLE.
294
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:25,328
>> BETWEEN THE THREE OF YOU HOW
295
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:29,395
MANY BRACELETS DO YOU HAVE.
296
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:33,626
>> DO PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT
297
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,103
YOU'RE FUNNY.
298
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:34,841
>> NO.
299
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,965
>> DID YOU WRITE THOSE OUT
300
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:37,870
BEFORE YOU SHOT THEM.
301
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:38,911
>> NO
302
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,636
>> HOW MANY TAKES DID YOU.
303
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:47,751
NO MORE THAN LIKELY NO MORE FOUR
304
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:48,218
TAKES.
305
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,675
>> AND I USED GOOGLE.
306
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,624
THAT'S WHAT CAUSED THE VIDEO TO
307
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,319
BE ALLOWED AT SCHOOL.
308
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,332
THAT WAS THE WHOLE TIGER WOODS
309
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:58,655
SCANDAL.
310
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,358
SO YOU WERE ALLOWED TO BE IN THE
311
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,560
TALENT SHOW.
312
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:07,741
>> IT WAS TOO IN PROBABLY THE
313
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,865
SPOONING WHILE STANDING UP
314
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,741
>> EXPLAIN THE PROCESS.
315
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,741
WHICH ONE COMES UP WITH THE
316
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:16,043
SKETCHES.
317
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:16,943
>> I'M LIKE THE FACE.
318
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:21,014
THE BEAUTY PART OF IT, AND THEN
319
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,284
MUSCLE MAN AND THEN ALL MUSCLE
320
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,753
AND THEN JAMES IS THERE.
321
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:29,493
>> SO IT'S LIKE -- WE ALL HAVE
322
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:30,859
OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
323
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,758
>> AS FAR AS I DO LET'S STICK TO
324
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:34,561
THE QUESTION.
325
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,531
HE GAVE IT BACK TO YOU.
326
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:42,769
>> JUST FEED OFF EACH OTHER'S
327
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:43,000
IDEAS.
328
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,573
>> GETTING SO OLD
329
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,171
>> ALL DAY TALK.
330
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:49,313
>> I'M IN A WEIRD SKETCH.
331
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,209
>> YOU GUYS DATING ANYBODY.
332
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,481
>> I'M HORRIBLE WITH GIRLS.
333
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,279
>> ONCE YOU GET IN THE MAJORS
334
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,792
BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE COMPETING
335
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,945
WITH ME.
336
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,223
AND GUESS WHAT.
337
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,391
I HAVE AN INFINITY POOL.
338
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,290
I FOUND THAT ON THE INTERNET
339
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,632
LIKE A FREE GREEN SCREEN EFFECT.
340
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,257
PUT THAT ON EVERYTHING.
341
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,432
>> DID YOU WATCH IT BEFORE YOU
342
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,131
UP LOADED IT.
343
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:12,932
>> I DIDN'T.
344
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,903
>> WHAT WAS THE FEEDBACK YOU GOT
345
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,342
FROM YOUR VIDEOS FROM YOUR
346
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,336
FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
347
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,167
>> MOST PEOPLE HATED.
348
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:23,813
YOUR MOM IT'S PROBABLY GOOD.
349
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,881
MY MOM PROBABLY TOLD ME IT WAS
350
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,020
STUPID BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE
351
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:31,278
IT.
352
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,294
>> WHAT'S WITH THE CAT.
353
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,286
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A GUY
354
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,619
THAT HAS A CAT.
355
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,064
HE'S PROBABLY AGILE.
356
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,660
>> I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THE FULL
357
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:46,203
HOLLYWOOD TREATMENT.
358
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:49,069
>> GUYS THIS IS A SKETCH GROUP
359
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,839
I'VE BEEN RANTING AND RAVING
360
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:51,138
ABOUT.
361
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,838
>> WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH A
362
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:56,981
GREAT IDEAS.
363
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:59,047
>> I HATE EVERY SECOND OF THE
364
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,846
EVERY WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
365
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,618
>> THIS IS NOT -- I DON'T LIKE
366
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,115
YOUR SHIRT.
367
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,847
AND THE WORLD HAS ENDED IT'S
368
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,493
JUST THE FOUR OF YOU LEFT, AND
369
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:10,917
YOU HAVE TO REPOPULATE THE
370
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:11,224
EARTH.
371
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:19,274
>> YOU SEE WHERE THE WORLD
372
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:20,296
SUCKS.
373
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,540
>> HOW ABOUT SOME MAN ON MONDAY
374
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,206
ACTION.
375
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,735
NO, NO, NO.
376
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:27,909
>> WHAT?
377
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,078
>> KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.
378
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:34,007
AND STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW
379
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:38,024
CLOSE YOU ARE TO ME.
380
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,718
>> ARE YOU KEEPING WITH THE
381
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:40,919
STROKES.
382
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,421
YEP.
383
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:48,603
>> [BLEEP].
384
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:49,555
>> BEAT IT UP
385
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,972
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THE SUN FROM
386
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,266
DOWN UNDER WAS UNDER.
387
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,237
>> I THINK I'M GOOD GUYS.
388
00:13:56,236 --> 00:14:00,906
>> I COULD USE SOME HELP WITH MY
389
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:01,468
BILLIARDS GAME.
390
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,714
>> ARE WE STEFANED.
391
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:07,680
>> ARE WE STRETCHES.
392
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,950
ARE WE STRETCHED OR SOLID.
393
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:15,420
>> GUYS I FEEL THAT THE CATCH OF
394
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:18,032
THE DAY IS POKING ME FROM
395
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:28,735
BEHIND.
396
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,935
HEY, HOW IS THIS THING GOING TO
397
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:35,238
END?
398
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:38,212
THAT WAS NOT FUNNY.
399
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,411
THAT WAS A PAINFULLY LONG FIVE
400
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,482
MINUTE SKETCH THAT I'M GOING TO
401
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,480
TURN INTO AN EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG
402
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,651
90-MINUTE MOVIE.
403
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:44,820
JOKE'S ON YOU, LORNE.
404
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,947
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
405
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:46,693
IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER LESSON IN
406
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:49,486
DIRTY SIGN LANGUAGE.
407
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:56,659
THANKS DANIEL WANTS YOU TO KEEP
408
00:14:56,663 --> 00:15:00,333
LEARN HOW TO SAY SOMEONE STUCK
409
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:03,503
MY PINKY INSIDE.
410
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:10,343
>> SOMEONE STUCK THEIR PINKY
411
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:20,823
* WHY CAN'T BE LIFE BE SIMPLE *
412
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:29,200
* 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 *
413
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:29,826
MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T BE SO
414
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:30,499
DEPRESSED IF THEY STARTED
415
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:31,827
LISTENING TO SOME LMFAO.
416
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:35,641
WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE
417
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,795
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
418
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,473
FILMING YOURSELF HOLDING UP
419
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,211
FLASH CARDS WHEN YOUR FEELINGS
420
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,636
GET HURT IS THE NEW TREND.
421
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,670
I HATE BULLIES ALMOST AS MUCH AS
422
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,844
I HATE WEB VIDEOS.
423
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:44,583
THEY SAY THAT BULLYING IS THE
424
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:45,507
HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY.
425
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,282
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
426
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,020
THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS OF
427
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,915
YOUR VIRGINITY.
428
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,616
WE SHOULD THANK BULLIES.
429
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,389
WITHOUT THEM CONSTANTLY POINTING
430
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,118
OUT YOUR FLAWS, YOU'D HAVE NO
431
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:56,863
DESIRE TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS AND
432
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:57,516
THEN RUB IT IN THEIR FACE.
433
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:58,694
AND IF YOU'RE GETTING BULLIED
434
00:15:58,691 --> 00:15:59,791
FOR BEING GAY, JUST REMEMBER
435
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,532
EVERY SINGLE SUCCESSFUL PERSON
436
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,057
IN HOLLYWOOD IS QUEER.
437
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,333
EVERY ONE.
438
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,032
IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL
439
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:06,733
BETTER, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
440
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,743
SHUTS UP A BULLY?
441
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:10,436
LEARNING HOW TO BUILD A PIPE
442
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:11,337
BOMB.
443
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,068
I GET BULLIED BY THOUSANDS OF
444
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,542
YOU ONLINE EVERY DAY.
445
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,640
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I CAN
446
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,281
TAKE IT, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
447
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,306
SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER MY LIFE IS
448
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,550
THAN ANY OF YOURS WILL EVER BE.
449
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:33,886
BUT IT STILL HURTS.
450
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:34,793
*
451
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,664
*
452
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:46,973
*
453
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:47,513
*
454
00:16:47,507 --> 00:17:08,657
*
455
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:09,531
*
456
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,199
*
457
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:13,127
*
458
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,833
*
459
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,404
*
460
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:17,403
*
461
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,944
*
462
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,008
*
463
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,707
*
464
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:29,119
*
465
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,616
*
466
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:37,817
*
467
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:38,694
*
468
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:43,831
*
469
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,770
*
470
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:46,495
TURNS OUT MY SITUATION IS EVEN
471
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,139
WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.
472
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,695
SINCE THAT VIDEO WAS SHOT, I
473
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:50,772
FOUND OUT THAT IT ACTUALLY COSTS
474
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:56,210
$1,200 A MONTH TO HEAT MY POOL.
475
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,449
SO THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR
476
00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,145
PRAYERS AND WELL WISHES.
477
00:17:59,146 --> 00:17:59,806
AND PLEASE RESPECT MY PRIVACY
478
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:00,612
DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME.
479
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,353
HEY, DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR
480
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,379
BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE
481
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,153
CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
482
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:05,822
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
483
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:09,658
FROM DEAD KEVIN.
484
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:10,516
OH MAN.
485
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,293
I'VE BEEN SICK ALL WEEK.
486
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,763
>> NOW YOU GAVE ME YOUR COLD.
487
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,732
>> SORRY, MAN.
488
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,171
>> YEAH.
489
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:24,167
I THINK I'M -- I GOT YOU GUY'S
490
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:24,801
COLD TOO.
491
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,214
>> THAT'S HERPES.
492
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,606
>> WHAT'S THAT?
493
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,907
>> THAT'S HERPES.
494
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,879
>> WE ALL THREE OF US HAVE COLDS
495
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,249
TOGETHER.
496
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,576
I THINK IT WAS JUST IN THE AIR.
497
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:35,351
>> NO.
498
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,018
I ADMIT IT I HAVE COLDS THAT
499
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:38,917
HEEL SOON.
500
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,988
YOU HAVE A BIG HERPES.
501
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:45,687
>> AND I JUST HAVE I MINUTE --
502
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,232
ORANGE JUICE.
503
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:51,558
>> I'M GOING TO THROWAWAY THE
504
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,574
ORANGE JUICE BECAUSE OF THE
505
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,097
HERPES MOLECULES.
506
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:56,672
>> OKAY.
507
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,439
>> THAT'S YOUR COLD.
508
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,938
>> YOUR HERPES ON YOUR FACE.
509
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:02,641
MUST BE GOING AROUND BECAUSE
510
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,382
I'VE HAD THE SAME COLD AROUND MY
511
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,576
PENIS FOR YEARS.
512
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:16,987
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
513
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:17,559
WELCOME BACK.
514
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:18,657
IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I'M
515
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,728
WEARING SUNGLASSES, IT'S BECAUSE
516
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,426
I WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY MY
517
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:21,927
PARTNER LAST NIGHT
518
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:22,658
AND THERE'S NOTHING HIGH FASHION
519
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,802
ABOUT THAT.
520
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:26,868
NEXT WEEK, WE FINALLY TACKLE
521
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:32,336
PARKOUR.
522
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,109
STILL THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY TO
523
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,505
GET FROM .A' TO .B'.
524
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,537
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
525
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,682
LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
526
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:37,706
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
527
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,410
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
528
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,152
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL OF
529
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,006
YOU ON
530
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:41,753
THE TOSH TOUR 2012 WHICH HAS
531
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,248
BEEN EXTENDED.
532
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,350
DON'T GET EXCITED.
533
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,351
IT'S BASICALLY OKLAHOMA AND
534
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:48,152
COLORADO.
535
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,364
AFTER FOUR SEASONS OF DOING THIS
536
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,056
SHOW I'VE ACCUMULATED WAY TOO
537
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,486
MUCH STUFF.
538
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:52,591
I'M NO HOARDER, BUT I'M
539
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:53,332
CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO GIVE THIS
540
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:53,686
JUNK AWAY.
541
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,433
THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE
542
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,059
TOSH.0 MEMORABILIA DUMP.
543
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,533
IT'S YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A PIECE
544
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,271
OF TELEVISION HISTORY.
545
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:00,967
ALL AUCTION PROCEEDS BENEFIT THE
546
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:01,727
DANIEL HOUSE, A PLACE WHERE
547
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:05,614
DANIEL LIVES.
548
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:06,335
HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE 100
549
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,379
ITEMS YOU'LL FIND ON EBAY.
550
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,105
MY ARM WRESTLING TABLE?
551
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:10,839
THAT'S HORSE [BLEEP], I PAID FOR
552
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,753
THAT.
553
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:13,805
THE LAST MATCH THAT WAS EVER
554
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:14,413
HELD ON THAT TABLE WAS
555
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,184
ME VERSUS THE KID FROM OVER THE
556
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,581
TOP.
557
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,223
FOR YOU WRESTLING FANS, THERE'S
558
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,247
THIS AUTOGRAPHED ARN ANDERSON
559
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,952
ACTION FIGURE.
560
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:21,993
BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW I'M
561
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:22,718
NOT KEEPING ANYTHING WITH THE
562
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,622
NAME ARN ANDERSON ON IT.
563
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:24,723
THAT'S RIGHT, ARN!
564
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,364
I'M CALLING YOU OUT AGAIN.
565
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,489
YOU THOUGHT JUST BECAUSE I TOOK
566
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:28,234
IT EASY ON YOU FOR A COUPLE OF
567
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,057
SEASONS THAT I FORGOT ABOUT OUR
568
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:34,601
BAD BLOOD?
569
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:35,271
ARN ANDERSON, FAT CHANCE!
570
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:39,468
ARN!
571
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,242
HERE'S THE SAILBOAT WE USED THIS
572
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,609
SEASON.
573
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,838
KNOW THAT THERE'S A TON OF
574
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:44,613
ASSEMBLY REQUIRED AND IT DOESN'T
575
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:47,051
WORK.
576
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:52,016
WHOEVER BUYS THIS IS INSANE.
577
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,148
OH, THIS IS OUR RESEARCHER ZAK'S
578
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:53,892
1986 SWEET TOYOTA PICKUP TRUCK
579
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:54,746
THAT I'VE DRIVEN IN A FEW BITS.
580
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,394
RUNS GREAT, HAS LOW MILEAGE --
581
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,159
IF YOU CONSIDER LESS THAN A 1/4
582
00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:57,586
MILLION LOW.
583
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,230
WHICH I DO NOT.
584
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:01,426
THERE'S NO RESERVE ON THIS, SO I
585
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:06,328
WANT YOU TO KEEP THE BIDS SMALL.
586
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,103
WE HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT WE'LL DO
587
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:07,829
WITH THE MONEY YET, BUT WE'RE
588
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:08,604
OPEN TO ALL OF YOUR SUGGESTIONS.
589
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,071
HAPPY BIDDING.
590
00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:18,708
OKAY, GO.
591
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:21,181
TELL YOU WHAT MOVIE I MIGHT WANT
592
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,010
TO SEE.
593
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,884
THE NEW ONE WITH BLACK GUY.
594
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:28,394
>> SAMUEL L JX.
595
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,888
>> KEVIN BACON.
36730
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