Original subtitles

[APPLAUSE]

AH, LUCKILY ESCALATORS ARE SUPER

SOFT.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED?

WE'VE OFFICIALLY HIT OUR MID

SEASON SLUMP.

BUT CLEARLY THE HIGH FASHION HAS

NEVER BEEN HOTTER.

THANK YOU MARC JACOBS.

I'M GONNA GO ON A LIMB HERE AND

SAY I LOOK DOWNRIGHT CUTE.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW

THE WORLD'S WORST SKETCH GETS A

REDEMPTION

I ADDRESS THE VERY SERIOUS

PROBLEM OF BULLYING

AND WE DO SOME SPRING CLEANING.

NOW HERE'S

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DILLARD'S

ANNOUNCES THEIR ONE DAY SALE.

IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH TO PICK HIS

TEETH OUT OF THOSE METAL

GROOVES.

THE ONLY MISTAKE

HE MADE IS FORGETTING THAT

HUMANS CANNOT FLY EXCEPT FOR

CRISS ANGEL.

CRISS ANGEL CAN FLY.

NOW GET UP BEFORE YOUR SHOELACE

GETS CAUGHT.

THIS IS THE ADORABLE SIDE OF

COMMUNISM.

THEY'RE AUDITIONING TO BE

ADOPTED.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A RIDE AT

DISNEYLAND.

THOSE ARE ACTUALLY FULL-SIZED

ADULTS.

KOREAN GUITARS ARE GIGANTIC.

ALRIGHT, LET'S WRAP IT UP.

THOSE IPADS AREN'T GOING TO

ASSEMBLE THEMSELVES.

IT'S EASY TO HAVE TALENTED KIDS

WHEN YOU KILL ALL THE BAD ONES.

[SCREAMING]

GUYS THAT WASN'T REAL.

THAT WAS SPECIAL EFFECTS.

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY SEE A CHILD

MOLESTING SUCCESS STORY.

ALRIGHT, THIS GRANDMA, SHE'S 68

AND THE BOY IS 19.

AND BEFORE YOU JUMP TO ANY

CONCLUSIONS, MAYBE THEY'RE JUST

[BLEEP] BUDDIES.

WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE IS THAT SHE

HAS AN AMAZING ASS.

A TIGHT, TIGHT

HE CAN REALLY TASTE THE

EXPERIENCE ON HER TONGUE.

HE BETTER PROPOSE SOON OR ELSE

THEY CAN KISS HAVING KIDS

GOODBYE.

I'D LIKE TO COMMIT A LITTLE

BESTIALITY WITH THIS NEXT

FILLY.

I'M NOT SO SURE THIS ISN'T SOME

RICH GUYS CREATIVE USE OF A

HOOKER.

IF SHE BREAKS A NAIL, I THINK

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SHOOT HER.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE DIDN'T MAKE

THE CUT FOR THE TOSH.0

PREAKNESS.

[HOR

[HORNS] OUT OF THE GATES.

FOLLOWED BY KIM.

SECRETARY AND SOMETHING RACE.

KIM IN HOT PURSUIT.

NECK AND NECK FOR LAST.

OH THE JOCKEY GOES DOWN AS PHONY

ON TWIT GOES DOWN.

>> AND THE JOCKEY GETS THE

ROSES.

YES, THERE WERE BOYS RIDING OUR

NAKED BODIES, BUT WE WERE

PRETENDING TO BE HORSES.

AND HORSES DON'T WEAR PANTS.

WERE YOU AWARE THAT HOSPITALS

ARE NOW LETTING YOU BRING HOME

YOUR PARTS AFTER SURGERY?

HELLO.

THIS IS DONALD CARLSON.

AND THIS IS MY FOOT.

THAT'S MY STUMP.

HERE'S WHAT CAME OFF OF IT.

THIS IS THE BALLS FROM MY FOOT.

HERE'S A TENDON.

IT'S FREEZING, AT LEAST PUT A

SOCK ON.

YOU'RE GONNA WANT GET THAT THING

TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE YOU

GRILL IT.

I CAN WIGGLE MY TOES IN MY HAND.

THE ICE CREAM IS IN THE FREEZER

BEHIND MY RIGHT FOOT.

IT LOOKS LIKE I TOOK A BITE.

WE'RE BLEEDING.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

WE'RE STARTING TO BLEEDING.

HE IS REALLY GOOD AT TWISTER.

HE JUST SETS HIS FOOT ON GREEN.

AND THEN DRY HUMPS YOUR SISTER.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[SCREAMING]

>> BREATHE.

>> I CAN'T BREATHE.

HE CRIES MORE BEFORE 9AM THAN

MOST [BLEEP] DO ALL DAY.

NOW, LET'S SALUTE ONE OF THE FEW

AND NOT SO PROUD IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

WHAT'S WITH THE PEPPER SPRAY?

ARE THEY TEACHING OUR BOYS TO

FEND OFF RAPISTS?

IT'S A GOOD THING BIN LADEN

DIDN'T HAVE ANY IN HIS PURSE OR

HE WOULD'VE SHUT DOWN SEAL TEAM

6 WITH ONE SQUIRT.

CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 3

DID NOT PREPARE HIM FOR THIS

[BLEEP].

>> YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

I HOPE PRIVATE PYLE USES

JOHNSON'S BABY SHAMPOO.

I THINK THE PAD IS WINNING.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IED MAGNET

ISN'T THE GUY WHO SLAYS THE

DRAGON IN THOSE MARINE

COMMERCIALS.

>> YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

IF THAT'S CONSIDERED GOOD, IT'S

PROBABLY TIME WE ALL START

LEARNING CHINESE.

>> NEXT CASE.

OVER HERE.

I'M NOT, I'M NOT SURE EVERYBODY

WAS DEAD AT THE LAST STATION.

YOU MIGHT NEED TO GO BACK.

THIS IS YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT

WORK, AMERICA.

GAS PRICES ARE NEVER GOING DOWN

AGAIN.

>> OPEN YOUR EYES.

DRUB THEM.

SOMETIMES, WHEN YOUR EYES ARE

BURNING AND YOU THINK YOU'RE

GOING TO DIE, YOU HAVE TO ASK

YOURSELF, "IS FREE COMMUNITY

COLLEGE REALLY WORTH THIS?"

TURNS OUT UNCLE SAM WAS POINTING

AT A DIFFERENT GUY.

I'M JUST GLAD "OPERATION WEED

OUT NANCY BOY" WAS A SUCCESS,

AND FOR THAT WE SAY, "HOO-YAH!"

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY IN THE

NAVY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB

SKETCHDEMPTION, BUT FIRST

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT A

HERITAGE UNIT IS?

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LOCOMOTIVE.

AND THIS LUCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH

FINALLY CAUGHT ONE ON CAMERA.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

MOMENT FOR MONTHS. AND IT'S

FINALLY HERE.

I'M FINALLY GOING TO GET ON

CAMERA.

>> YEAH.

>> THIS WILL BE 1989 RIO GRANDE.

WOOHOO.

WHOO?

>> SHE'S A BEAUTY.

SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

>> HAVEN'T HAD A LOT OF LUCK

LATELY.

THAT MADE UP FOR IT ALL.

>> YOU'RE SICK.

YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.

>> BRAIN YAK WANTS TO SHOW ME

HOW IT'S ALL DONE.

BRING BACK YOUR ARMS.

KEEP LOOKING AT THE BALL.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

I'M GIVING KEAGAN SOME POINTERS

ON HIS GOLF STROKE.

CAN I JOIN?

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOUR FEET.

SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

>> YOUR FEET STEADY WITH THE

BALL.

THAT WAS SO UNWATCHABLE COMEDY

CENTRAL JUST PICKED IT UP FOR 10

EPISODES.

WE SEARCHED FOR OVER A YEAR TO

FIND THE WORST SKETCH WITH THE

FEWEST VIEWS THAT WE THOUGHT

WE COULD REMAKE.

AND THAT SKETCH BELONGED TO THE

TROUPE CALLED FILMS YOU LIKE.

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THEIR

HORRIBLE NAME IS SKETCH COMEDY

IN GENERAL.

I HATE THE SKETCHES ON MY OWN

SHOW, SO JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH I

WANT TO END MY LIFE WHEN I'M

SITTING THROUGH 7 MINUTES OF

YOURS.

MAKING FUNNY SKETCHES IS HARD.

IF SOMEONE AS BRILLIANT AS

CHAPPELLE LITERALLY WENT NUTS

TRYING TO DO IT, WHAT MAKES YOU

AND YOUR UNTALENTED FRIENDS

THINK YOU CAN PULL IT OFF?

A SKETCH GROUP IS FIVE DUDES AND

ONE AVERAGE CHICK THEY ALL WANT

TO BONE.

OR FIVE GUYS THAT DRESS LIKE

CHICKS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S

FUNNY IN CANADA.

AND LET'S QUIT SAYING SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE ISN'T AS GOOD AS IT

USED TO BE.

IT HAS NEVER BEEN GOOD, AND THE

ONLY REASON YOU THOUGHT IT WAS

IS BECAUSE YOU WERE 15 AND

EXCITED TO BE AWAKE AFTER

MIDNIGHT.

THERE HAVE BEEN 118 CAST MEMBERS

ON SNL AND ONLY THREE OF THEM

WERE EVER FUNNY.

WILL FERRELL

BILL MURRAY

NORM MACDONALD.

DISCUSSION IS OVER.

IF CHEVY CHASE WAS FUNNY, HE'D

STILL BE FUNNY.

NOT THE 6TH STAR ON A SHOW NBC

CAN'T WAIT TO CANCEL.

I COULD GO ON, BUT UNLIKE SNL, I

KNOW WHEN TO WRAP IT UP.

FUNNY OR DIE IS THE NEW HIP

PLACE FOR SKETCHES.

THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT IT

IS THAT IT GIVES YOU THE OPTION

TO KILL VIDEOS.

UNFORTUNATELY

JERRY O'CONNELL NEVER ACTUALLY

DIES.

JON HAMM WAS OUR BACKUP FOR THAT

JOKE.

OH, AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION

MONTY PYTHON SUCKS?

THOSE KIDS THOUGHT THEY COULD

MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY.

AND LIKE THE REST OF YOU, THEY

WERE WRONG.

SO WE BROUGHT THEM TO L.A.,

WHERE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

AN ORIGINAL IDEA, FOR OUR FIRST

EVER SKETCH-DEMPTION.

LIVE FROM CULVER CITY, IT'S

TUESDAY NIGHT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN DANIEL

TOSH.

>> LET'S GO GUYS.

YOU DIDN'T PAY ZEFEDS FOR

NOTHING.

>> WHY DID YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS

CLASS.

TO BE FUNNY.

IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A CLASS IN

COMEDY, KNOW THAT YOUR CAREER

HAS ALREADY ENDED.

THE MERE FACT THAT YOU ARE HERE

MEANS THAT YOU ARE NOT FUNNY AND

YOU'RE STUPID.

OKAY.

NOW WHY DO I TELL YOU BECAUSE

THE MONEY IS NONREFUNDABLE.

>> BETWEEN THE THREE OF YOU HOW

MANY BRACELETS DO YOU HAVE.

>> DO PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT

YOU'RE FUNNY.

>> NO.

>> DID YOU WRITE THOSE OUT

BEFORE YOU SHOT THEM.

>> NO

>> HOW MANY TAKES DID YOU.

NO MORE THAN LIKELY NO MORE FOUR

TAKES.

>> AND I USED GOOGLE.

THAT'S WHAT CAUSED THE VIDEO TO

BE ALLOWED AT SCHOOL.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE TIGER WOODS

SCANDAL.

SO YOU WERE ALLOWED TO BE IN THE

TALENT SHOW.

>> IT WAS TOO IN PROBABLY THE

SPOONING WHILE STANDING UP

>> EXPLAIN THE PROCESS.

WHICH ONE COMES UP WITH THE

SKETCHES.

>> I'M LIKE THE FACE.

THE BEAUTY PART OF IT, AND THEN

MUSCLE MAN AND THEN ALL MUSCLE

AND THEN JAMES IS THERE.

>> SO IT'S LIKE -- WE ALL HAVE

OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

>> AS FAR AS I DO LET'S STICK TO

THE QUESTION.

HE GAVE IT BACK TO YOU.

>> JUST FEED OFF EACH OTHER'S

IDEAS.

>> GETTING SO OLD

>> ALL DAY TALK.

>> I'M IN A WEIRD SKETCH.

>> YOU GUYS DATING ANYBODY.

>> I'M HORRIBLE WITH GIRLS.

>> ONCE YOU GET IN THE MAJORS

BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE COMPETING

WITH ME.

AND GUESS WHAT.

I HAVE AN INFINITY POOL.

I FOUND THAT ON THE INTERNET

LIKE A FREE GREEN SCREEN EFFECT.

PUT THAT ON EVERYTHING.

>> DID YOU WATCH IT BEFORE YOU

UP LOADED IT.

>> I DIDN'T.

>> WHAT WAS THE FEEDBACK YOU GOT

FROM YOUR VIDEOS FROM YOUR

FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

>> MOST PEOPLE HATED.

YOUR MOM IT'S PROBABLY GOOD.

MY MOM PROBABLY TOLD ME IT WAS

STUPID BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE

IT.

>> WHAT'S WITH THE CAT.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A GUY

THAT HAS A CAT.

HE'S PROBABLY AGILE.

>> I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THE FULL

HOLLYWOOD TREATMENT.

>> GUYS THIS IS A SKETCH GROUP

I'VE BEEN RANTING AND RAVING

ABOUT.

>> WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH A

GREAT IDEAS.

>> I HATE EVERY SECOND OF THE

EVERY WORD YOU'RE SAYING.

>> THIS IS NOT -- I DON'T LIKE

YOUR SHIRT.

AND THE WORLD HAS ENDED IT'S

JUST THE FOUR OF YOU LEFT, AND

YOU HAVE TO REPOPULATE THE

EARTH.

>> YOU SEE WHERE THE WORLD

SUCKS.

>> HOW ABOUT SOME MAN ON MONDAY

ACTION.

NO, NO, NO.

>> WHAT?

>> KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

AND STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW

CLOSE YOU ARE TO ME.

>> ARE YOU KEEPING WITH THE

STROKES.

YEP.

>> [BLEEP].

>> BEAT IT UP

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THE SUN FROM

DOWN UNDER WAS UNDER.

>> I THINK I'M GOOD GUYS.

>> I COULD USE SOME HELP WITH MY

BILLIARDS GAME.

>> ARE WE STEFANED.

>> ARE WE STRETCHES.

ARE WE STRETCHED OR SOLID.

>> GUYS I FEEL THAT THE CATCH OF

THE DAY IS POKING ME FROM

BEHIND.

HEY, HOW IS THIS THING GOING TO

END?

THAT WAS NOT FUNNY.

THAT WAS A PAINFULLY LONG FIVE

MINUTE SKETCH THAT I'M GOING TO

TURN INTO AN EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG

90-MINUTE MOVIE.

JOKE'S ON YOU, LORNE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER LESSON IN

DIRTY SIGN LANGUAGE.

THANKS DANIEL WANTS YOU TO KEEP

LEARN HOW TO SAY SOMEONE STUCK

MY PINKY INSIDE.

>> SOMEONE STUCK THEIR PINKY

* WHY CAN'T BE LIFE BE SIMPLE *

* 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 *

MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T BE SO

DEPRESSED IF THEY STARTED

LISTENING TO SOME LMFAO.

WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

FILMING YOURSELF HOLDING UP

FLASH CARDS WHEN YOUR FEELINGS

GET HURT IS THE NEW TREND.

I HATE BULLIES ALMOST AS MUCH AS

I HATE WEB VIDEOS.

THEY SAY THAT BULLYING IS THE

HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS OF

YOUR VIRGINITY.

WE SHOULD THANK BULLIES.

WITHOUT THEM CONSTANTLY POINTING

OUT YOUR FLAWS, YOU'D HAVE NO

DESIRE TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS AND

THEN RUB IT IN THEIR FACE.

AND IF YOU'RE GETTING BULLIED

FOR BEING GAY, JUST REMEMBER

EVERY SINGLE SUCCESSFUL PERSON

IN HOLLYWOOD IS QUEER.

EVERY ONE.

IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY

SHUTS UP A BULLY?

LEARNING HOW TO BUILD A PIPE

BOMB.

I GET BULLIED BY THOUSANDS OF

YOU ONLINE EVERY DAY.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I CAN

TAKE IT, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW

SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER MY LIFE IS

THAN ANY OF YOURS WILL EVER BE.

BUT IT STILL HURTS.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

TURNS OUT MY SITUATION IS EVEN

WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

SINCE THAT VIDEO WAS SHOT, I

FOUND OUT THAT IT ACTUALLY COSTS

$1,200 A MONTH TO HEAT MY POOL.

SO THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR

PRAYERS AND WELL WISHES.

AND PLEASE RESPECT MY PRIVACY

DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

HEY, DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR

BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE

CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US

FROM DEAD KEVIN.

OH MAN.

I'VE BEEN SICK ALL WEEK.

>> NOW YOU GAVE ME YOUR COLD.

>> SORRY, MAN.

>> YEAH.

I THINK I'M -- I GOT YOU GUY'S

COLD TOO.

>> THAT'S HERPES.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> THAT'S HERPES.

>> WE ALL THREE OF US HAVE COLDS

TOGETHER.

I THINK IT WAS JUST IN THE AIR.

>> NO.

I ADMIT IT I HAVE COLDS THAT

HEEL SOON.

YOU HAVE A BIG HERPES.

>> AND I JUST HAVE I MINUTE --

ORANGE JUICE.

>> I'M GOING TO THROWAWAY THE

ORANGE JUICE BECAUSE OF THE

HERPES MOLECULES.

>> OKAY.

>> THAT'S YOUR COLD.

>> YOUR HERPES ON YOUR FACE.

MUST BE GOING AROUND BECAUSE

I'VE HAD THE SAME COLD AROUND MY

PENIS FOR YEARS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I'M

WEARING SUNGLASSES, IT'S BECAUSE

I WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY MY

PARTNER LAST NIGHT

AND THERE'S NOTHING HIGH FASHION

ABOUT THAT.

NEXT WEEK, WE FINALLY TACKLE

PARKOUR.

STILL THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY TO

GET FROM .A' TO .B'.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL OF

YOU ON

THE TOSH TOUR 2012 WHICH HAS

BEEN EXTENDED.

DON'T GET EXCITED.

IT'S BASICALLY OKLAHOMA AND

COLORADO.

AFTER FOUR SEASONS OF DOING THIS

SHOW I'VE ACCUMULATED WAY TOO

MUCH STUFF.

I'M NO HOARDER, BUT I'M

CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO GIVE THIS

JUNK AWAY.

THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE

TOSH.0 MEMORABILIA DUMP.

IT'S YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A PIECE

OF TELEVISION HISTORY.

ALL AUCTION PROCEEDS BENEFIT THE

DANIEL HOUSE, A PLACE WHERE

DANIEL LIVES.

HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE 100

ITEMS YOU'LL FIND ON EBAY.

MY ARM WRESTLING TABLE?

THAT'S HORSE [BLEEP], I PAID FOR

THAT.

THE LAST MATCH THAT WAS EVER

HELD ON THAT TABLE WAS

ME VERSUS THE KID FROM OVER THE

TOP.

FOR YOU WRESTLING FANS, THERE'S

THIS AUTOGRAPHED ARN ANDERSON

ACTION FIGURE.

BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW I'M

NOT KEEPING ANYTHING WITH THE

NAME ARN ANDERSON ON IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, ARN!

I'M CALLING YOU OUT AGAIN.

YOU THOUGHT JUST BECAUSE I TOOK

IT EASY ON YOU FOR A COUPLE OF

SEASONS THAT I FORGOT ABOUT OUR

BAD BLOOD?

ARN ANDERSON, FAT CHANCE!

ARN!

HERE'S THE SAILBOAT WE USED THIS

SEASON.

KNOW THAT THERE'S A TON OF

ASSEMBLY REQUIRED AND IT DOESN'T

WORK.

WHOEVER BUYS THIS IS INSANE.

OH, THIS IS OUR RESEARCHER ZAK'S

1986 SWEET TOYOTA PICKUP TRUCK

THAT I'VE DRIVEN IN A FEW BITS.

RUNS GREAT, HAS LOW MILEAGE --

IF YOU CONSIDER LESS THAN A 1/4

MILLION LOW.

WHICH I DO NOT.

THERE'S NO RESERVE ON THIS, SO I

WANT YOU TO KEEP THE BIDS SMALL.

WE HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT WE'LL DO

WITH THE MONEY YET, BUT WE'RE

OPEN TO ALL OF YOUR SUGGESTIONS.

HAPPY BIDDING.

OKAY, GO.

TELL YOU WHAT MOVIE I MIGHT WANT

TO SEE.

THE NEW ONE WITH BLACK GUY.

>> SAMUEL L JX.

>> KEVIN BACON.