Original subtitles

>> TOSH.O IS INTENDED FOR MATURE

AUDIENCES.

THEY DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM

ATTEMPTING THEM.

ENJOY.

* * *

[APPLAUSE]

THAT IS GOING TO HURT THEIR

ZAGAT RATINGS, PROBABLY DOWN TO

23.

TOSH, THE ONLY REAL TV.

TONIGHT WE ARE CELEBRATING THE

END OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

NOT HAPPY IT IS ENDING.

WE ARE NOT ONLY GOING TO

ENTERTAIN YOU, BUT EDUCATE YOU.

I AM WEARING ALEXANDER MCQUEEN.

NO OTHER DESIGNER HAS DONE FOR

AFRICAN-AMERICANS, THE BAD

BREAKDANCER GETS A REMEMBER

REDEMPTION.

IS IT RACIST GETS A RETURN.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET BACK TO THAT ASS, ASS,

ASS, ASS, STOP.

NOW MAKE THAT MOTHER -- HAMMER

TIME.

CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I REALLY LIKE

THE OM BEE YENS OF THIS PLACE,

THEY EVEN WEAR THEIR G STRINGS

SAGGY.

IT SAYS IT RIGHT THERE, NO

SHIRT, NO SHOES, NOT SOLID

PUDDING, NO DIGTY, NO SERVICE.

[LAUGHTER].

I AM SURE THEY'LL LEAVE A NICE

TIP TO MAKE UP FOR IT.

DID YOU KNOW L.P. RAY INVENTED

THE DUST PAN IN 1897.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

AWE!

OH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

NOW WOULD YOU PASS ME THE ORANGE

JUICE, PLEASE.

DRIPPING PROTEIN INTO EACH

OTHER'S MOUTH IS WHAT BEING IN A

FRAT IS ALL ABOUT.

GO SEE RED TAILS, DID YOU SEE

IT?

THEN SHUT UP.

BY A SLAVE NAMED NANCY GREEN WAS

ABLE TO PURCHASE THEY ARE

FREEDOM.

THE PERSON THAT DOES THE CLOSED

CAPTIONING FOR THIS SHOW IS

ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

>> YOU DONE NOTHING BUT

AEROPOSTALE.

GO CHANGE YOUR OUTFIT.

IT AIN'T NOTHING.

YOU GOT MY COUSIN.

SHE STOLE, HOW MUCH YOU NEED?

>> LONG BEACH'S DEBATE TEAM IS

LOOKING STRONG.

AT LEAST THE PARENTS DON'T HAVE

TO WORRY ABOUT A COLLEGE FUND.

OBAMA'S DAUGHTERS ARE WELL

SPOKEN.

APPARENTLY THEY DISLIKE THE

CLOTHING COMPANY AEROPOSTALE.

KNOW I HAPPEN TO BE A HUGE

AEROPOSTALE FAN.

>> OH NO YOU BITCHES DIDN'T.

I HAVE BEEN WEARING AEROPOSTALE

FOR A WHILE.

>> WHO IS READY FOR ANOTHER

FACT?

TV'S FIRST INTERNATIONAL FACT

THE FIRST KISS WAS BETWEEN

WILLIAM SHATNER AND THAT BLACK

CHICK.

BLACK DON'T CRACK.

DAD FROM FAMILY MATTERS WANTS

YOU TO STAB THEM IN THE THROAT

WITH AN EPI-PEN.

BEFORE AMOS BECAME FAMOUS FOR

HIS COOKIES, HE WAS A TALENT

AGENT.

THIS PROVES KANE WEST.

I HOPE THAT HEART BREAK DROPS

SOON.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH A WHITE

KID'S HEART BEAT.

THE TIMING IS ALL OFF.

1701 RAYMOND T. JAZZ INVENTED

MUSIC.

[LAUGHTER].

WHO KNEW THE SIDEWALK HAD BRING

YOUR SON TO WORK DAY?

ALL RIGHT YOU CAN SKIP YOUR

COURT DATE, I AM PRETTY CERTAIN

YOU ARE THE FATHER.

[LAUGHTER].

FOR THE RECORD NOT EVERY

AFRICAN-AMERICAN CAN PICK UP AN

INSTRUMENT AND START PLAYING.

* * *

I STAND CORRECTED.

[LAUGHTER].

I ONCE SAW A MEXICAN FAMILY DO

SOMETHING SIMILAR IN THE GARDEN

SECTION OF LOWES.

[LAUGHTER].

HEY, DID YOU KNOW IN THE EARLY

80S, ANITA HILL ONCE FOUND A

PUBIC HAIR ON HER SODA CAN?

>> YOU REALLY ARE, SO AM I.

>> MAN THEIR HAND SHAKES ARE

GETTING MORE AND MORE

COMPLICATED.

LET'S WATCH SOME GOOD OLE

BLACK-ON-BLACK VIOLENCE ON THIS

WEEK'S BREAK DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS IN HOT-LANTA, WHICH IS

HIP HOP'S NASHVILLE.

LOOKS LIKE THIS GUY IN THE

ORANGE DID NOT ENJOY HIS TAN

KWER RAY SHONS BLI AND HE EAT

TRYING TO GET IN THE CAR TO PICK

UP HIS DAUGHTER.

HE MUST BE A MEMBER OF NADD.

YOU COULD TAKE HIS KEYS AWAY.

IT IS NOT LIKE A CAB WOULD EVER

TOP TO PICK THEM UP.

IT COSTS MORE THAN A DUI?

REINSTRUCTIVE DENTAL SURGERY.

I SWEAR TO GOD I LOVE YOU IS THE

BEST WAY TO PAY TRIBUTE TO BOBBY

AND WHITNEY'S RELATIONSHIP.

HE KEEPS FORGETEDING TO SAY NO

HOMO.

I AM SURE IF YOU WEREN'T

CRUSHING HIS WINDPIPE HE WOULD

SAY I LOVE YOU BACK.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT

THE FACT THAT NO ONE EVER PICKED

UP HIS DAUGHTER AND FOR THAT WE

THANK YOU FOR THAT.

WE COULDN'T DECIDE IF THIS

SHOULD BE THE BLACK CLIP OR THE

DICK OF THE WEEK, WE COMPROMISED

AND MADE IT THE BLACK DICK OF

THE WEEK.

HAVE A CLUE, YOU ARE NOT GOING

TO BE THE GREAT BREAKDANCER YOU

THINK YOU ARE.

YOU ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR

BODY BEFORE YOU GET UP INTO THE

LITTLE ASIANS LEVEL.

>> LITTLE ASIANS, SEEMS

REDUNDA

REDUNDANT.

THAT B-BUOY IS ALEX.

I HEARD BREAKDANCER IS THE MOST

IMPORTANT FOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS

NEXT TO DECORATING PUBLIC

PROPERTY INTO SPRAY PAINT.

IT IS GYMNASTIC FOR PEOPLE WHO

CAN'T AFFORD PROPER TRAINING.

I REFUSE TO LAY MY BODY ON THE

DISGUSTING FLOOR.

THIS SHIRT COST $900.

YEAH, HIGH FASHIONED.

I KNOW TO LOCK MY CAR DOOR WHEN

EVER PEOPLE ARE DOING IT.

I AM FROM FLORIDA YOU KNOW I CAN

TOOT SI ROLL.

I HAVE NEVER KRIP WALKED.

I GREW UP IN A GOOD SED.

MINORITIES ARE BETTER AT

BREAKDANCER.

THERE ARE FEWER PARENTS TO

SQUASH THEIR PASSION.

WHITES ARE NOT THE BEST AT THIS

ONE PARTICULAR ACTIVITY.

WE CONTROL THE WORLD ECONOMY.

I AM OKAY FOR LETTING ANOTHER

RACE HAVE KRUMPING.

MICHAEL J. FOX DID LEAVE

TELEVISION TO PURSUE TELEVISION

FULL TIME.

ALEX STILL THINKS HE CAN DANCE.

HE PLAYS CRAWLING WITH LITTLE

ASIANS IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> DANIEL, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS

HERE.

>> COME IN, HAVE A SEAT.

MAYBE I CAN GET YOU SOMETHING.

MAYBE A WATCH.

>> YOU'LL NEVER BE AS FUNNY AS

THOSE LITTLE JEWS.

>> I WILL THEN I WILL SHOVE IT

IN YOUR -- FACE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DANCING?

>> YEAH.

I TRIED FOOTBALL, MY DAD PUSHED

ME INTO PLAYING BASKETBALL.

>> VERY FEW DADS PUSH THEIR BOYS

INTO B-BOYING.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HIT ME

UP ON YOUTUBE AND SAID SHE IS A

RACIST, BITCH.

IN THE VIDEO SHE IS WORRIED

ABOUT MY HEALTH BECAUSE I KEEP

HURTING MYSELF.

>> THEN SHE THROUGH AN ENTIRE

RACE OF PEOPLE THROUGH THE BUS.

WHEN MY PARENTS SAW IT WASN'T A

FAD, A THING TO GET GIRLS.

>> IT IS STILL JUST TO GET

GIRLS, RIGHT?

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS FOR

WOMEN.

I GOT INTO COMEDY FOR GIRLS.

>> THE QUICKEST WAY TO A GIRL IS

HER FUNNY BONE.

>> IT IS NOT TRUE, IT IS MONEY.

>> I AM IN A CREW.

>> DID YOU GET BEAT IN OR SEXED

IN.

>> WHAT RACE IS THE BEST

DANCERS?

>> KOREA AND JAPAN.

>> SMEAR NUMBERS GAME.

SO MANY OF THOSE LITTLE

BASTARDS.

WHEN YOU ARE AT A NIGHTCLUB, HOW

QUICK BEFORE YOU TAKE OVER?

>> POST UP AGAINST THE WALL,

WATCH PEOPLE.

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE ELSE, I

COULD SMACK HIM.

YOU JUMP UP AND PROVE YOU ARE

BETTER.

>> I POST UP AND BE THE CREEPY

GUY.

WHENEVER YOU ARE MAKING LOVE,

HAVE YOU SPUN OVER ON THEM?

>> IF YOU ARE A B-BOW YOU CAN

WANT.

>> WOULD YOU DATE JAY-LO?

>> YES.

>> I WOULDN'T>> WHY?

>> FIRST OF ALL SHE IS

DISGUSTING.

>> TELL ME THREE NICE THINGS

THAT AREN'T RACIST ABOUT ASIANS?

>> I LOVE ASIAN FOOD.

>> I WATCH -- MARSHAL ARTS.

>> DO YOU THINK IT IS COOL THAT

THEY PEE PEE IN OUR COKE?

>> NO.

>> I HAVE FLOWN YOUR MOTHER OUT

HERE.

YOUR MOM AND A GROUP OF 25 PAID

EXTRAS.

ARE YOU READY?

>> YES.

>> MOM, ARE YOU READY NOT TO SAY

ANYTHING RACIST FOR THE NEXT 2

MINUTES?

>> SURE.

* * *

[APPLAUSE].

>> THANKS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE LITTLE

ASIANS DOING HERE?

[LAUGHTER].

>> DANCE BATTLE.

[LAUGHTER

[LAUGHTER].

>> TURNS OUT YOUR MOM WAS SPOT

ON.

* * *

>> DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS

WATCHING.

EVERYONE IS WATCHING THAT ASIAN

CREW.

* * *

NICE.

THERE IS NO WAY YOU LOST THIS.

[APPLAUSE].

>> DON'T FEEL BAD, YOU'LL NEVER

BE AS GOOD AS THOSE GANG

MEMBERS.

[APPLAUSE].

STOP CLAPPING, TIME FOR ANOTHER

FACT.

LONNIE G. JOHNSON INVENTED THE

SUPER SOAKER TOY, THE NO. 1

SELLING TOY IN AMERICA IN 1991.

GREAT NEWS REGARDING KEVIN

EVERETT, HE MOVES ARMS AND LEGS

>> NOW IT IS TIME FOR IS IT

RACIST?

>> TIME FOR A SPECIAL BLACK

HISTORY MONTH OF IS IT RACIST?

YOU DECIDE IF THIS CLIP IS

RACIST?

THIS SEGMENT HAS NEVER BEEN MORE

IMPORTANT.

[LAUGHTER].

CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, THERE IS

NOTHING RACIST ABOUT SOMEONE

ENJOYING FRUIT.

HOWEVER, WHEN SOMEONE'S EATING

IT THAT AGGRESSIVELY, YOU MIGHT

NOT WANT A BUNCH OF OLD WHITE

WOMEN CHEERING HER ON LIKE THEY

HAVE MONEY RIDING ON HER.

SO YES, I BELIEVE THAT WAS A TAD

RACIST.

I WAS RECENTLY IN AN EATING

CONTEST.

I AM CONFIDENT MY RACE GAVE ME A

COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE.

>> SON.

[LAUGHTER].

THE TRICK TO WINNING THE

CONTEST, YOU HAVE TO DIP THEM IN

WATER BEFORE YOU EAT THEM.

ONLY TWO WHITE PEOPLE HAVE

CAUGHT SINGLE CELL ANEMIA.

ONE IS MICHAEL RAPAPORT.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER WINNER

CHICKEN DINNER COMES FROM WAVEZ

CLUB.

>> GUESS WHOSE FACEBOOK I AM IN

VEE JONES?

>> VEE JONES.

>> VEE JONES.

VEE JONES.

ANY NEW WHAT THE.

FOR THE RECORD VEE JONES IS A

LARGE WHITE WOMAN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

COMIC REMIX!

[APPLAUSE] WHAT IS UP BROTHERS

AND SISTERS?

DID YOU KNOW ON FEBRUARY 22ND,

2012, DWYANE WADE SCORED 30

POINTS AND 10 ASSISTS AGAINST

THE SACRAMENTO KINGS WHICH IS

PRETTY GOOD.

I DISCOVERED MCDONALDS HAS A

WEBSITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR ITS

BLACK CUSTOMERS.

YEA!

THE ADDRESS IS 365 BLACK.COM.

MCDONALDS HAS SEGREGATED

WEBSITES, COME ON, EVERYONE

KNOWS THE BLACK MCDONALDS IS

MCDOWELLS.

I AM CONFIDENT THAT POPEYES ONLY

HAS ONE WEBSITE.

WHAT YOU DO WITH THE INFORMATION

IS UP TO YOU.

IF A COMPANY HAS FORWARD

THINKING AS MCDONALDS HAS TWO

WEBSITES THEN SO SHOULD I.

WWW.NBA.COM.

>> HEY, GUYS IS IT SAFE TO EAT

OUT OF A BOX WITH FIRECRACKERS?

>> STAND BACK IT IS GOING TO

BLOW.

>> DWYANE WADE WAS ONLY

RECRUITED BY 3 COLLEGE

BASKETBALLS PROGRAMS, MARQUETTE,

ILLINOIS STATE AND DEPAUL.

TICKETS ARE ON SALE TO SEE ME IN

VEGAS, WE HAD A LOT OF FUN

TODAY, STEREOTYPES ARE NOT

ALWAYS TRUE.

HERE ARE BRAVE AFRICAN-AMERICANS

NOT AFRAID TO GO AGAINST THE

GRAIN.

* * *

>> I DO NOT LIKE HIM, NOR DO I

RESPECT HIM.

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY.

DWYANE WADE HAS 18 POST SEASON

CAREER DOUBLE, DOUBLES.

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS IT FOR BLACK

HISTORY.

GET READY FOR THE NEXT 11 MONTHS

WHEN WE CELEBRATE WHITE HISTORY.