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COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT
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CONDONE THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED
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AND DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM
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ATTEMPTING THEM.
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BY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YEAH!
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>> IF THEY BLOW THEM OUT, HIS
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WISH WON'T COME TRUE.
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WELCOME TO TOTOSH.
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HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR
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PRESIDENT'S DAY.
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DID EVERYONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
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THE MATTRESS SALE IT THIS OUT
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FIT IS BY D SQUARED COSTS AROUND
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$3,000.
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COUNTRY, WHICH SOUNDS PRICEY BUT
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UNDERSTAND THAT $3,000 TO ME, IS
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LIKE $1,700 TO YOU.
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WE TAKE ROCK PAPER SCISSORS TO
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THE NEXT LEVEL.
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AND ALL WOMEN OVER 40, I
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CONSIDER HAVING SEX WITH.
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VAGINALLY. SHOULD HAVE WISHED
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FOR SOME CHICKS AT HIS PARTY.
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YOU CAN SEND HIS BIRTHDAY CARD
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TO THE BURN WARD. HARD TO
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BELIEVE STEEL WAS EVER THAT
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YOUNG AND CAREFREE. THIS NEXT
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MARSHALL ARTIST DOMINATES THE
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90-POUND DIVISION. I'M GUESSING
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HE WOULD BE A BLACK BELT. IF HE
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COULD WEAR A BELT. LET'S PUT 20
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SECONDSES ON THE CLOCK, FOR THE
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FIRST TIME IN 2012. FIGHTING IS
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THE ONLY ANSWER WHICH RUNNING
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AWAY IS NEVER AN OPTION. I
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ASSUME ALL HIS KARATE LESSONS
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WERE HALF OFF. HIS ARCH NEMESIS
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IS STAIRS.
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HE'S BEEN BANNED FROM
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TOURNAMENTS BECAUSE HE REFUSES
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TO BOW. ALL RIGHT.
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SOMEBODY SLAP SOME SWIFFER PADS
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ON THOSE STUMP AND THAT LINOLEUM
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WILL SPARKLE. LONGEST 20 SECONDS
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IN THE WORLD. HERE'S THE
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DOWNSIDE TO FINISHING FIRST.
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[BLEEP].
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OH. DUDE! THEY SHOULD GO KNACK
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TO USING RIBBON AT THE FINISH
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LINE. HE FINALLY EARNED THAT
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LIVESTRONG BASELET.
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[BLEEP] OH!
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DUDE! .
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HE JUST WON FRONT ROW SEATS TO
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KID ROCK.
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YEAH, WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW?
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I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR BEER AT POO
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POON TEMPERATURE.
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THE COOTER A LOTER STRIKES
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AGAIN.
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THAT'S A REAL GOOD WAY TO LOSE
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YOUR COSTCO MEMBERSHIP.
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I WOULDN'T THE MIND GETTING A
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WHIFF OF THAT 5-FINGER DISCOUNT.
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I'M A BIT OF A CREPT MANIAC
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MYSELF
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>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.
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YOU NEED ANY HELP WITH ANYTHING.
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>>Y N JUST CHECKING OUT THE CARS
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CARS.
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>> OKAY.
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IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I'LL BE
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AROUND.
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JUST GRAB ME
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>> ALL RIGHT
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>> APPRECIATE IT.
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>> SIR, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
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I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE
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POLICE.
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>> I'M JUST A LITTLE OLD LADY
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TRYING TO GO SHOPPING. I'VE BEEN
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TOLD I HAVE THE ANAL STRENGTH OF
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MAGNUS VER MAGNUSSON.
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THERE'S A TIME WHEN DIARRHEA
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WORKS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. YOU
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EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS
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WHERE IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE IS
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CRAPPING ON YOU?
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WHAT KIND OF SAVANT CAN CONTROL
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THEIR RUNS?
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HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO
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WIPE IT OFF?
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GOD, SWEDEN IS BEAUTIFUL.
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WHAT'S NEXT. THAT IS MY FAVORITE
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SEEN IN THE SOUND OF MUSIC. NOW,
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LET'S FIND OUT IF THIS PICNIC
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HAS A HAPPY ENDING IN THIS
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TWEAK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[APPLAUSE]
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PUB PUSH HIS HAND IS DEFINITELY
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IN THE HONEY POT.
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MUST BE A FOREIGN COUNTRY,
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BECAUSE IN AMERICA, ONLY GAY
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PEOPLE AND UNWILLING VICTIMS
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HAVE SEX IN PARKS.
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SHE MOVES FAST BECAUSE WE ALL
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KNOW RED HEADS DON'T HAVE TIME
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FOR FOREPLAY IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT.
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OH. MAN.
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I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT SARA
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JOE SAYS ABOUT THIS BLIND DATE.
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YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH HIM, HE'S A
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THERAPIST.
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IT'S JUST WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS.
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A DRY TUGER.
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YOU KNOW WHO'S THIS?
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GIVES THE BEST HANDY ME.
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TO MY OWN PENIS AND MY FRIENDS,
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AND SOME OF THEIR FRIENDS.
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THAT'S IT. EASY, BIG RED.
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NORTH AND SOUTH, NOT EAST AND
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WEST. GOOD LORD, THAT LOOKS
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AWFUL.
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I'LL BET THE COUNCILMEMBER LINE.
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OOPS.
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WE HAVE GOT A SHOOTER ON THE
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GRASSY KNOLL.
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NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO
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BREAK UP WITH HER.
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GRASS AND DNA ARE THE TOUGHEST
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STAINS TO GET OUT.
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RIGHT?
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THEY HAVE GOT TO PRESOAK.
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NOW G AHEAD, YOU'RE PROBABLY
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PITCHING AGAIN TONIGHT.
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BY THE YOU WAY, I'M AWARE THIS
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MAY RUIN THAT GIRL'S LIFE.
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BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T
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[BLEEP] GUYS OFF IN A MEADOW.
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I'M GLAD HE FINISHED UP BEFORE
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THE DISC GOLFERS ARRIVED AND FOR
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THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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MUSTANG KID'S WEB REDEDGES BUT
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FIRST, I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT HOW
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OH, MY GOD. DAMN.
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THIS CAR IS NICE.
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OH. [BLEEP]. WRECKING YOUR DAD'S
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CAR IS WORSE THAN CALLING YOUR
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MOM A [BLEEP].
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I SHOULD KNOW.
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I'VE DONE BOTH ON THE SAME DAY.
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THAT'S JOE AND HE HE TOOK THAT
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[BLEEP] MAGNET FROM ZERO TO OH,
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[BLEEP] IN NO TIME.
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NO CAR SCREAMS I USE LEVITRA
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MORE THAN A CHERRY RED STRENGTH
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AND CONDITIONING.
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WHO BUYS A MUSTANG.
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THEY DON'T BELONG IN YOUR
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DESTROY.
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THEY BELONG ON THE PLATFORM
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SURROUNDED BY A PENNY SLOTS.
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THEY WERE THE WHITE MAN'S IMPAUL
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A. ANYONE WHO THINKS BOWL
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SUGGEST FUN IN BEAVER TOWN
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SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED TO OPERATE
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TWO TONS OF AMERICAN STEEL.
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THERE SHOULDN'T BE A WRITTEN
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EXAM TO GET YOUR LICENSE.
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YOU KNOW CAN WHO'S GREAT AT
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TESTS AND YOU CAN SYSTEM AT
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DRIVING?
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ALL ASIANS.
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PICKING OUT A FIRST CAR IS A BIG
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MOMENT.
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YOU NEED SOMETHING RELIABLE WITH
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LOW MILEAGE, THAT YOU WON'T BE
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EMBARRASSD TO WRAP AROUND A
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TREE IN.
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MY FIRST CAR WAS A HUNDREDY
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CIVIC.
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XI.
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YAO, I HAD THE EXTRA PONY.
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I REMEMBER THAT LIKE IT WAS
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YESTERDAY.
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RIGHT AFTER THAT, I ROLLED DOWN
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THE WINDOW OF MY CAR, AND
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SCREAMED QUEER AT THE FIRST
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JOGGER I SAW.
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IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.
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DON'T PUT THAT ON ME, RICKY
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BOBBY.
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JOEY WAS JUST TOO FAST AND
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FURIOUS.
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THAT'S WHY I PUT $3 IN THE TANK
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AND ASKED HIM TO JOIN ME IN
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L.A., FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB
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EDEDGES..R
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WE NEED TO MAKE SURE CAN YOU
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LEGALLY DRIVE HERE IN THE STATE
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OF CALIFORNIA.
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I DON'T WANT ANY HOBOS, WALKING
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AROUND WITH MY CELEBRITY ORGANS.
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JOE, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
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>> NEW JERSEY
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>> YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S
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LICENSE THERE?
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>> YEAH
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>> TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO
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>> PULLED UP AT THE DEALERSHIP.
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THE E BREAK WASN'T ON, AND THE
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CAR WAS IN FIRST GEAR.
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TURNED THE CAR O AND EASY LET GO
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OF THE CLUTCH, THE CAR JUST WENT
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BECAUSE IT HAD 500 HORSE POWER
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AND 450 TORQUE
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>> YOUR FATHER WAS INTERESTED IN
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BUYING IT, AND HAD NOT PURCHASED
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IT YET
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>> NO
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>> IT HE BUY IT?
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>> YEAH
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>> AFTER HE WRECKED IT
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>> HE WAS WITH HIS FRIEND, SO HE
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DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM FIRED
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>> DID YOU DO ANY DAMAGE
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>> 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS
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>> HOW OLD ARE YOU WHEN THIS
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HAPPENED
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>> 13, 14
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>> DID YOU EVER BLAME YOUR
233
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FATHER FOR THIS
234
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>> NO .
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>> IT WAS SLEET NEGLIGENCE.
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HUEVER DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE EVER
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>> NO
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>> AND THEY WANTED YOU TO START
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THE CAR
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>> NO.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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SO IT'S ATE MORE YOUR FAULT
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>> YEAH I HIT MY BATHROOM
244
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>> YOUR BATHROOM
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00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:04,027
>> NO, WHEN YOU GO IN THE HOUSE,
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THERE'S A BATHROOM WELL WHEN YOU
247
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FIRST WALK IN
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00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:07,873
>> POWDERER ROOM.
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00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:08,327
SURE IN THERE
250
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:09,033
>> YEAH
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00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:09,633
>> BATHTUB, TOO
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>> NO
253
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>> OKAY.
254
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SO 3/4.
255
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>> WAS ANYONE IN THE SHOWER
256
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:15,930
>> NO, THEY WERE INN THE
257
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[BLEEP].
258
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>> DID YOU [BLEEP] YOURSELF
259
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>> NO
260
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>> WERE YOU CRYING
261
00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:21,203
>> A LITTLE BIT.
262
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,100
I WAS SCARED
263
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,100
>> YOU WERE CRYING BECAUSE OF
264
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FEAR, NOT BECAUSE OF PAIN.
265
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:25,727
>> THAT'S THE WORSE TYPE OF
266
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,733
CRYING.
267
00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:30,003
THAT'S THE BIGGEST [BLEEP] TO
268
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:30,500
EVER CRY.
269
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,430
HOW MUCH DID THE MUSTANG COST
270
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,203
>> $6,000
271
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,270
>> $60,000?
272
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:36,667
HOW LONG WAS IT IN THE SHOP
273
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:37,397
>> PROBABLY A FEW MONTHS
274
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,430
>> DID IT HAVE A NEW CAR SMELL
275
00:10:39,433 --> 00:10:39,973
WHEN IT CAME OUT
276
00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:40,327
>> YEAH
277
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,273
>> WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, IF YOU
278
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:50,467
WERE IN AN AS -- A SYSTEMATICIN
279
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:50,997
TON MARTIN.
280
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,230
DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOUR DAD
281
00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:54,973
BOUGHT A CHERRY RED MUSTANG, IT
282
00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:56,667
SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF
283
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,367
HIS [BLEEP].
284
00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,297
YOU SHOULD KNOW.
285
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:00,870
YOU NEVER SAW YOUR FATHER'S
286
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:01,197
PENIS
287
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:01,500
>> NO
288
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,200
>> REALLY?
289
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:02,700
>> I HAVEN'T
290
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:03,970
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAFFIC
291
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:04,397
VIOLATIONS
292
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:04,870
>> NO
293
00:11:04,867 --> 00:11:05,667
>> HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING
294
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:06,467
>> A HUNDRED.
295
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:07,827
>> DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO COURT
296
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,403
>>IA.
297
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,770
>> HOW MUCH WAS TICKET
298
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,567
>> $300.
299
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:13,927
>> YOU ALWAYS GET IT REDUCED FOR
300
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:16,403
SHOWING UP AND BEING WHITE.
301
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,230
>> I WRECKED MY MOM'S CAR WHEN I
302
00:11:18,233 --> 00:11:18,933
WAS YOUNGER.
303
00:11:18,933 --> 00:11:21,233
I TOLD HER THAT I WAS HAVING A
304
00:11:21,233 --> 00:11:21,973
NEEDING FIT, WHICH WAS
305
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:23,127
BELIEVABLE, BECAUSE I HAVE
306
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,973
REALLY BAD ALLERGIES BUT I DON'T
307
00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:26,127
KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.
308
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,333
I'VE BEEN TELLING THAT LIE FOR
309
00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:29,233
SO LONG, THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
310
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,603
REALLY HAPPENED.
311
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,370
I'M WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
312
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:36,497
JESSICADALE BARKER.
313
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,300
BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
314
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,770
YOUNGER, SOLID D-CUP. ALL RIGHT.
315
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,397
THIS LINE IS TAKING WAY TOO
316
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:58,070
LONG. READ THIS CHART.
317
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:04,727
>> TRY THIS 21; M-I-C-K-E-Y M OF
318
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,203
O-U-S-E
319
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:07,730
>> PERFECT.
320
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:14,333
PASSED THE DRIVING PART.
321
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,873
>> EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA DRIVES
322
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:16,627
ONE OF THESE.
323
00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:17,303
ALL RIGHT.
324
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,370
FIRST THING'S FIRST.
325
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:20,527
GET YOUR SEATBELT ON.
326
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:21,633
LOOSEN UP.
327
00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:23,133
KNOCK IT OFF.
328
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,503
HEAR IN CALY.
329
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,300
JUST [BLEEP] THAT.
330
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,130
WHAT ARE THOSE SWITCHES FOR
331
00:12:29,133 --> 00:12:31,333
>> SUPPOSE PITCHES ARE FOR THE
332
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,633
BITCHES. MAKE THAT ASS DROP.
333
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:38,473
GIVE IT A SHOT. UH-HUH.
334
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,067
EVERYONE IN CALY KNOWS HOW TO
335
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,367
DRIVE IN 3 WHEEL MOTION.
336
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:54,927
THERE YOU GO.
337
00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:56,473
>> ALL RIGHT, CONGRATULATIONS.
338
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,797
ALL HAVE YOU TO DO IS GET THE
339
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,470
MUSTANG IN THE GARAGE.
340
00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,497
SO THIS TIME, YOU'LL BE RACING
341
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:13,400
SOMEONE. WANT ANOTHER SHOT?
342
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:13,800
>> YEAH
343
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:24,530
>> GOOD LUCK. ON YOUR MARK.
344
00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:44,433
GET SET. RACE.
345
00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:49,073
CONGRATULATIONS.
346
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:49,797
[APPLAUSE]
347
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,930
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW JEREMY LIN
348
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:53,933
COULD DRIFT.
349
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:57,103
SO LI NSANITY CONTINUES.
350
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,070
I'LL TELL YOU THIS BIG
351
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:00,967
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIN SANITY
352
00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:01,967
AND TEBOW.
353
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:05,267
JEREMY IS PROBABLY A DECENT
354
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:05,927
QUARTERBACK.
355
00:14:05,933 --> 00:14:07,073
WHEN WE COME BACK.
356
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,397
DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE [BLEEP]
357
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,670
CAN DO 40.
358
00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:26,697
OH, MY GOD.
359
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:39,230
HE DID 40.
360
00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:41,203
>> ROCK, PAPER, SIS ON YOUR
361
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:53,070
SCORECARD. OH. OH. ROCK, PAPER,
362
00:14:53,067 --> 00:15:03,797
SISSORS. ROCK, PAPER, SIS ON
363
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,730
YOUR SCORECARD. THAT WAS ROCK,
364
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:09,633
PAPER BALL ON THE GROUNDS.
365
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:12,173
SWEEPING THE TOWN OF CANADA.
366
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,697
THAT'S ABOUT TIME TO BRING IT TO
367
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,370
THE GOOD OLD US OF A.
368
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:17,597
CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT IN MY
369
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:17,970
OFFICE.
370
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:20,497
I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE LETTING
371
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:21,670
PEOPLE WHACK THESE TESTICLES. SO
372
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:24,167
I FORCED A STAND-IN, TO TAKE THE
373
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:24,627
HITS FOR ME
374
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,803
>> OKAY.
375
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:39,100
PUT YOUR PILLOW CASES UP.
376
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,770
I'M GETTING ON IT NOW. ONE.
377
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:56,067
TWO, 3.
378
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:28,370
OH. GOD. TWO, THREE, SHOE. 1,
379
00:16:28,367 --> 00:16:31,127
TWO, THREE, SHOE.
380
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:47,103
OH.
381
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,270
>> THE SECOND LARGEST AMOUNT
382
00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:53,267
CARLIE HAS HAD IN HER CROTCH.
383
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:54,697
I'M OFFICIALLY THE AMERICAN
384
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:55,300
CHAMPION.
385
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,200
BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
386
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,770
I WANT THE WORLD TITLE.
387
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,267
MEET THE CANADIAN CHAMPION OF
388
00:17:01,267 --> 00:17:02,267
ROCK, PAPER, BALL.
389
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:02,597
MARK.
390
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,100
>> HEY, DANIEL, THANKS FOR
391
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:04,630
HAVING ME.
392
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:06,373
YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PILLOW CASE,
393
00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:06,697
RIGHT
394
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:07,870
>> YUP, I'M GETTING IT ON RIGHT
395
00:17:07,867 --> 00:17:08,127
NOW
396
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:10,173
>> OH. BACK 'EM AND TAG 'EM,
397
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:10,497
BOYS.
398
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:11,500
>> ALL RIGHT.
399
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,230
HERE WE GO.
400
00:17:12,233 --> 00:17:14,273
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
401
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:25,427
SHOE. I WIN. STAKES A LITTLE
402
00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:26,933
HIGHER THAN THE NATIONAL
403
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:27,333
VERSION.
404
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:28,673
IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER,
405
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:31,067
FEEL FREE TO BORROW YOUR
406
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:31,567
PARENTS'S GUN.
407
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
408
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:43,497
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER.
409
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,470
>> IF YOU'RE AT HOME, THINKING
410
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:47,327
THIS EPISODE SEEMS MORE
411
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:48,903
SOPHISTICATED, YOU'RE NOT WRONG.
412
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:58,470
I'M WEARING A GODDAMN MASCOT.
413
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,227
OH. ARE YOU GONNA KEEP GOING
414
00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:01,833
UNTIL YOU BREAK SOMETHING,
415
00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,403
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THE GREAT
416
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,130
BREAK DANCER YOU THINK YOU ARE.
417
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:07,573
YOU'RE GONNA DESTROY YOUR BODY
418
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,497
BEFORE YOU GET UP TO THOSE
419
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,400
LITTLE ASIAN'S LEVEL
420
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,970
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I RESPECT
421
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:18,497
MORE, HER PARENTING OR HER
422
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:19,070
RACISM.
423
00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:23,767
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
424
00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:25,827
LIVE CHAT.
425
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:28,803
DURING THE SHOWS.
426
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,600
TOSH .COM DEECENTRAL.COM.
427
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,970
TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY
428
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:33,927
NEW STAND UP TOUR.
429
00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:35,303
A LOT OF PEOPLE, ASK HERE'S
430
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,300
DANIEL, WHAT FEMALE CELEBRITY
431
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,070
OVER 40 WOULD HAVE YOU SEX WITH?
432
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,797
I'M TIRED OF HEARING IT, SO I'M
433
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,300
GOING TO SET THE RECORD
434
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,700
STRAIGHT.
435
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:44,430
GOLDIE HAHN.
436
00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:45,573
67.
437
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:47,467
I'M A GOLDIE UP AND DOWN THE
438
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,897
FIELD OVER KATE HUDSON.
439
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:51,730
THAT BEING SAID, NO CHANCE.
440
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:52,973
TINA FEY.
441
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:55,367
THANKS WOULD BE INTIMDATING TO
442
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:55,627
ME.
443
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:57,073
TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO THINKS
444
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:58,897
SHE'S FUNNYER THAN I AM.
445
00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:00,670
SO NO.
446
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:03,067
GWEN STEFANY.
447
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:05,867
LUCY LU, YOU'RE IN MY WHEELHOUSE
448
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:06,297
WHEELHOUSE.
449
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,600
BUT I'M I'M GOING TO GO WITH AN
450
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:07,930
ASIAN.
451
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:10,403
I'M GOING TO GO WITH A REALLY,
452
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,470
REALLY YOUNG ONE.
453
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:14,067
LIKE, INTERNATIONAL WATERS YOUNG
454
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:14,367
YOUNG.
455
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:14,827
SANDRA BULLOCK.
456
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:18,133
OH. AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.
457
00:19:18,133 --> 00:19:19,433
NO.
458
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:20,373
ANNETTE BENNING.
459
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,297
THAT'S INTERESTING.
460
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:28,400
THAT IS INTERESTING.
461
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:28,730
YEAH.
462
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:34,073
THAT'S A HUGE NO.
463
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:34,767
QUEEN LATIFAH.
464
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:36,297
THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME.
465
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:41,300
I'M NOT GOING TO DO.
466
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:42,670
WOULD IT BE CONSIDERED SEX IF I
467
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:44,797
HAVE TO WEAR FOUR CONDOM ALL
468
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,500
RIGHT.
469
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,270
NO.
470
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:47,897
VAPORA JESSICA PARKER, 46.
471
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,400
EVERYWHERE TELLS ME SHE HAS A
472
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:49,830
GREAT BODY.
473
00:19:49,833 --> 00:19:51,833
SHE LIKES LIKE SHE'S HIT THE
474
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,433
WALL, THEN KEPT RUNNING INTO IT
475
00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:56,573
OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
476
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,067
SHARON STOP.
477
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,897
A I'M GONNA SAY THIS ON
478
00:19:58,900 --> 00:19:59,330
TELEVISION.
479
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:00,503
I HATE THIS WOMAN.
480
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,030
I HATE, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT
481
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:02,673
HER.
482
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:03,697
I HATE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR, I
483
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:07,700
DISAGREE WITH EVERY VIEW SHE'S
484
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,030
EVER HAD WITH THAT BEING SAID,
485
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,333
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD
486
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:15,233
PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH HER. BUT
487
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:17,433
NO.
488
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:17,833
BROOK BURK.
489
00:20:17,833 --> 00:20:18,103
NO.
490
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,630
I WANT TO GO BACK TO SHARON
491
00:20:19,633 --> 00:20:19,973
STONE.
492
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:22,197
IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE, YOU SAID
493
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,330
YOU WOULD -- I DON'T THINK I
494
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:25,973
WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER.
495
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:28,797
SHARON STONE, IS BACK TO A NO
496
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,630
AND BROOK, YOU'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE
497
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:30,433
A NO.
498
00:20:30,433 --> 00:20:31,033
QUEEN ELIZABETH.
499
00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:32,133
THAT ONE'S INTERESTING.
500
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:35,033
I'D LOVE TO HEAR THE
501
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:36,403
CONVERSATION DID YOU HEAR WHO
502
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,270
DANIEL [BLEEP]?
503
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:37,767
NO.
504
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:38,797
WHO?
505
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:39,330
QUEEN E LIZ BEG.
506
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:39,733
>> REALLY
507
00:20:39,733 --> 00:20:41,073
>> YUP.
508
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:41,767
[BLEEP] QUEEN ELIZABETH
509
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,927
>> WERE THEY DATING?
510
00:20:43,933 --> 00:20:47,273
>> DON'T KNOW. I THINK WHAT WE
511
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:48,567
HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS BIT IS
512
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:50,027
THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH
513
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:51,773
ANY WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF 40.
514
00:20:51,767 --> 00:20:53,067
BUT I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO
515
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:53,467
FREAK OUT.
516
00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:55,197
OKAY?
517
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,230
DON'T NEIL BAD LIKE, OH. WHAT
518
00:20:56,233 --> 00:20:56,703
CAN I DO?
519
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,530
NOTHING. I'M PRETTY SURE I
520
00:20:58,533 --> 00:20:59,533
WOULDN'T THE SLEEP WITH ANYONE
521
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:02,573
OVER THE AGE OF 30.
522
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:02,967
COUNTRY.
523
00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:04,067
THAT'S A FACT.
524
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:04,767
OR ANY WOMAN.
525
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:11,797
GOOD NIGHT.
526
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:17,400
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
527
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,730
>> WHEN I WAS AT 16, S SHANNON
528
00:21:21,733 --> 00:21:23,833
MOORY, BELANI.
529
00:21:23,833 --> 00:21:25,103
INDIAN.
530
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:26,670
GAVE ME HER CAR FOR THE SUMMER.
531
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,427
IT WAS EVER COOL?
532
00:21:27,433 --> 00:21:28,103
MAYBE NOT.
32609
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