Original subtitles

COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT

CONDONE THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED

AND DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM

ATTEMPTING THEM.

BY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YEAH!

>> IF THEY BLOW THEM OUT, HIS

WISH WON'T COME TRUE.

WELCOME TO TOTOSH.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR

PRESIDENT'S DAY.

DID EVERYONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

THE MATTRESS SALE IT THIS OUT

FIT IS BY D SQUARED COSTS AROUND

$3,000.

COUNTRY, WHICH SOUNDS PRICEY BUT

UNDERSTAND THAT $3,000 TO ME, IS

LIKE $1,700 TO YOU.

WE TAKE ROCK PAPER SCISSORS TO

THE NEXT LEVEL.

AND ALL WOMEN OVER 40, I

CONSIDER HAVING SEX WITH.

VAGINALLY. SHOULD HAVE WISHED

FOR SOME CHICKS AT HIS PARTY.

YOU CAN SEND HIS BIRTHDAY CARD

TO THE BURN WARD. HARD TO

BELIEVE STEEL WAS EVER THAT

YOUNG AND CAREFREE. THIS NEXT

MARSHALL ARTIST DOMINATES THE

90-POUND DIVISION. I'M GUESSING

HE WOULD BE A BLACK BELT. IF HE

COULD WEAR A BELT. LET'S PUT 20

SECONDSES ON THE CLOCK, FOR THE

FIRST TIME IN 2012. FIGHTING IS

THE ONLY ANSWER WHICH RUNNING

AWAY IS NEVER AN OPTION. I

ASSUME ALL HIS KARATE LESSONS

WERE HALF OFF. HIS ARCH NEMESIS

IS STAIRS.

HE'S BEEN BANNED FROM

TOURNAMENTS BECAUSE HE REFUSES

TO BOW. ALL RIGHT.

SOMEBODY SLAP SOME SWIFFER PADS

ON THOSE STUMP AND THAT LINOLEUM

WILL SPARKLE. LONGEST 20 SECONDS

IN THE WORLD. HERE'S THE

DOWNSIDE TO FINISHING FIRST.

[BLEEP].

OH. DUDE! THEY SHOULD GO KNACK

TO USING RIBBON AT THE FINISH

LINE. HE FINALLY EARNED THAT

LIVESTRONG BASELET.

[BLEEP] OH!

DUDE! .

HE JUST WON FRONT ROW SEATS TO

KID ROCK.

YEAH, WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW?

I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR BEER AT POO

POON TEMPERATURE.

THE COOTER A LOTER STRIKES

AGAIN.

THAT'S A REAL GOOD WAY TO LOSE

YOUR COSTCO MEMBERSHIP.

I WOULDN'T THE MIND GETTING A

WHIFF OF THAT 5-FINGER DISCOUNT.

I'M A BIT OF A CREPT MANIAC

MYSELF

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.

YOU NEED ANY HELP WITH ANYTHING.

>>Y N JUST CHECKING OUT THE CARS

CARS.

>> OKAY.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I'LL BE

AROUND.

JUST GRAB ME

>> ALL RIGHT

>> APPRECIATE IT.

>> SIR, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE

POLICE.

>> I'M JUST A LITTLE OLD LADY

TRYING TO GO SHOPPING. I'VE BEEN

TOLD I HAVE THE ANAL STRENGTH OF

MAGNUS VER MAGNUSSON.

THERE'S A TIME WHEN DIARRHEA

WORKS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. YOU

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS

WHERE IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE IS

CRAPPING ON YOU?

WHAT KIND OF SAVANT CAN CONTROL

THEIR RUNS?

HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO

WIPE IT OFF?

GOD, SWEDEN IS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S NEXT. THAT IS MY FAVORITE

SEEN IN THE SOUND OF MUSIC. NOW,

LET'S FIND OUT IF THIS PICNIC

HAS A HAPPY ENDING IN THIS

TWEAK'S BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

PUB PUSH HIS HAND IS DEFINITELY

IN THE HONEY POT.

MUST BE A FOREIGN COUNTRY,

BECAUSE IN AMERICA, ONLY GAY

PEOPLE AND UNWILLING VICTIMS

HAVE SEX IN PARKS.

SHE MOVES FAST BECAUSE WE ALL

KNOW RED HEADS DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR FOREPLAY IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT.

OH. MAN.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT SARA

JOE SAYS ABOUT THIS BLIND DATE.

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH HIM, HE'S A

THERAPIST.

IT'S JUST WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS.

A DRY TUGER.

YOU KNOW WHO'S THIS?

GIVES THE BEST HANDY ME.

TO MY OWN PENIS AND MY FRIENDS,

AND SOME OF THEIR FRIENDS.

THAT'S IT. EASY, BIG RED.

NORTH AND SOUTH, NOT EAST AND

WEST. GOOD LORD, THAT LOOKS

AWFUL.

I'LL BET THE COUNCILMEMBER LINE.

OOPS.

WE HAVE GOT A SHOOTER ON THE

GRASSY KNOLL.

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO

BREAK UP WITH HER.

GRASS AND DNA ARE THE TOUGHEST

STAINS TO GET OUT.

RIGHT?

THEY HAVE GOT TO PRESOAK.

NOW G AHEAD, YOU'RE PROBABLY

PITCHING AGAIN TONIGHT.

BY THE YOU WAY, I'M AWARE THIS

MAY RUIN THAT GIRL'S LIFE.

BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T

[BLEEP] GUYS OFF IN A MEADOW.

I'M GLAD HE FINISHED UP BEFORE

THE DISC GOLFERS ARRIVED AND FOR

THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

MUSTANG KID'S WEB REDEDGES BUT

FIRST, I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT HOW

OH, MY GOD. DAMN.

THIS CAR IS NICE.

OH. [BLEEP]. WRECKING YOUR DAD'S

CAR IS WORSE THAN CALLING YOUR

MOM A [BLEEP].

I SHOULD KNOW.

I'VE DONE BOTH ON THE SAME DAY.

THAT'S JOE AND HE HE TOOK THAT

[BLEEP] MAGNET FROM ZERO TO OH,

[BLEEP] IN NO TIME.

NO CAR SCREAMS I USE LEVITRA

MORE THAN A CHERRY RED STRENGTH

AND CONDITIONING.

WHO BUYS A MUSTANG.

THEY DON'T BELONG IN YOUR

DESTROY.

THEY BELONG ON THE PLATFORM

SURROUNDED BY A PENNY SLOTS.

THEY WERE THE WHITE MAN'S IMPAUL

A. ANYONE WHO THINKS BOWL

SUGGEST FUN IN BEAVER TOWN

SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED TO OPERATE

TWO TONS OF AMERICAN STEEL.

THERE SHOULDN'T BE A WRITTEN

EXAM TO GET YOUR LICENSE.

YOU KNOW CAN WHO'S GREAT AT

TESTS AND YOU CAN SYSTEM AT

DRIVING?

ALL ASIANS.

PICKING OUT A FIRST CAR IS A BIG

MOMENT.

YOU NEED SOMETHING RELIABLE WITH

LOW MILEAGE, THAT YOU WON'T BE

EMBARRASSD TO WRAP AROUND A

TREE IN.

MY FIRST CAR WAS A HUNDREDY

CIVIC.

XI.

YAO, I HAD THE EXTRA PONY.

I REMEMBER THAT LIKE IT WAS

YESTERDAY.

RIGHT AFTER THAT, I ROLLED DOWN

THE WINDOW OF MY CAR, AND

SCREAMED QUEER AT THE FIRST

JOGGER I SAW.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

DON'T PUT THAT ON ME, RICKY

BOBBY.

JOEY WAS JUST TOO FAST AND

FURIOUS.

THAT'S WHY I PUT $3 IN THE TANK

AND ASKED HIM TO JOIN ME IN

L.A., FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

EDEDGES..R

WE NEED TO MAKE SURE CAN YOU

LEGALLY DRIVE HERE IN THE STATE

OF CALIFORNIA.

I DON'T WANT ANY HOBOS, WALKING

AROUND WITH MY CELEBRITY ORGANS.

JOE, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> NEW JERSEY

>> YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE THERE?

>> YEAH

>> TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO

>> PULLED UP AT THE DEALERSHIP.

THE E BREAK WASN'T ON, AND THE

CAR WAS IN FIRST GEAR.

TURNED THE CAR O AND EASY LET GO

OF THE CLUTCH, THE CAR JUST WENT

BECAUSE IT HAD 500 HORSE POWER

AND 450 TORQUE

>> YOUR FATHER WAS INTERESTED IN

BUYING IT, AND HAD NOT PURCHASED

IT YET

>> NO

>> IT HE BUY IT?

>> YEAH

>> AFTER HE WRECKED IT

>> HE WAS WITH HIS FRIEND, SO HE

DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM FIRED

>> DID YOU DO ANY DAMAGE

>> 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU WHEN THIS

HAPPENED

>> 13, 14

>> DID YOU EVER BLAME YOUR

FATHER FOR THIS

>> NO .

>> IT WAS SLEET NEGLIGENCE.

HUEVER DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE EVER

>> NO

>> AND THEY WANTED YOU TO START

THE CAR

>> NO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SO IT'S ATE MORE YOUR FAULT

>> YEAH I HIT MY BATHROOM

>> YOUR BATHROOM

>> NO, WHEN YOU GO IN THE HOUSE,

THERE'S A BATHROOM WELL WHEN YOU

FIRST WALK IN

>> POWDERER ROOM.

SURE IN THERE

>> YEAH

>> BATHTUB, TOO

>> NO

>> OKAY.

SO 3/4.

>> WAS ANYONE IN THE SHOWER

>> NO, THEY WERE INN THE

[BLEEP].

>> DID YOU [BLEEP] YOURSELF

>> NO

>> WERE YOU CRYING

>> A LITTLE BIT.

I WAS SCARED

>> YOU WERE CRYING BECAUSE OF

FEAR, NOT BECAUSE OF PAIN.

>> THAT'S THE WORSE TYPE OF

CRYING.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST [BLEEP] TO

EVER CRY.

HOW MUCH DID THE MUSTANG COST

>> $6,000

>> $60,000?

HOW LONG WAS IT IN THE SHOP

>> PROBABLY A FEW MONTHS

>> DID IT HAVE A NEW CAR SMELL

WHEN IT CAME OUT

>> YEAH

>> WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, IF YOU

WERE IN AN AS -- A SYSTEMATICIN

TON MARTIN.

DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOUR DAD

BOUGHT A CHERRY RED MUSTANG, IT

SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF

HIS [BLEEP].

YOU SHOULD KNOW.

YOU NEVER SAW YOUR FATHER'S

PENIS

>> NO

>> REALLY?

>> I HAVEN'T

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAFFIC

VIOLATIONS

>> NO

>> HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING

>> A HUNDRED.

>> DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO COURT

>>IA.

>> HOW MUCH WAS TICKET

>> $300.

>> YOU ALWAYS GET IT REDUCED FOR

SHOWING UP AND BEING WHITE.

>> I WRECKED MY MOM'S CAR WHEN I

WAS YOUNGER.

I TOLD HER THAT I WAS HAVING A

NEEDING FIT, WHICH WAS

BELIEVABLE, BECAUSE I HAVE

REALLY BAD ALLERGIES BUT I DON'T

KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN TELLING THAT LIE FOR

SO LONG, THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT

REALLY HAPPENED.

I'M WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

JESSICADALE BARKER.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

YOUNGER, SOLID D-CUP. ALL RIGHT.

THIS LINE IS TAKING WAY TOO

LONG. READ THIS CHART.

>> TRY THIS 21; M-I-C-K-E-Y M OF

O-U-S-E

>> PERFECT.

PASSED THE DRIVING PART.

>> EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA DRIVES

ONE OF THESE.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST THING'S FIRST.

GET YOUR SEATBELT ON.

LOOSEN UP.

KNOCK IT OFF.

HEAR IN CALY.

JUST [BLEEP] THAT.

WHAT ARE THOSE SWITCHES FOR

>> SUPPOSE PITCHES ARE FOR THE

BITCHES. MAKE THAT ASS DROP.

GIVE IT A SHOT. UH-HUH.

EVERYONE IN CALY KNOWS HOW TO

DRIVE IN 3 WHEEL MOTION.

THERE YOU GO.

>> ALL RIGHT, CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL HAVE YOU TO DO IS GET THE

MUSTANG IN THE GARAGE.

SO THIS TIME, YOU'LL BE RACING

SOMEONE. WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YEAH

>> GOOD LUCK. ON YOUR MARK.

GET SET. RACE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

[APPLAUSE]

I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW JEREMY LIN

COULD DRIFT.

SO LI NSANITY CONTINUES.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS BIG

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIN SANITY

AND TEBOW.

JEREMY IS PROBABLY A DECENT

QUARTERBACK.

WHEN WE COME BACK.

DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE [BLEEP]

CAN DO 40.

OH, MY GOD.

HE DID 40.

>> ROCK, PAPER, SIS ON YOUR

SCORECARD. OH. OH. ROCK, PAPER,

SISSORS. ROCK, PAPER, SIS ON

YOUR SCORECARD. THAT WAS ROCK,

PAPER BALL ON THE GROUNDS.

SWEEPING THE TOWN OF CANADA.

THAT'S ABOUT TIME TO BRING IT TO

THE GOOD OLD US OF A.

CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT IN MY

OFFICE.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE LETTING

PEOPLE WHACK THESE TESTICLES. SO

I FORCED A STAND-IN, TO TAKE THE

HITS FOR ME

>> OKAY.

PUT YOUR PILLOW CASES UP.

I'M GETTING ON IT NOW. ONE.

TWO, 3.

OH. GOD. TWO, THREE, SHOE. 1,

TWO, THREE, SHOE.

OH.

>> THE SECOND LARGEST AMOUNT

CARLIE HAS HAD IN HER CROTCH.

I'M OFFICIALLY THE AMERICAN

CHAMPION.

BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

I WANT THE WORLD TITLE.

MEET THE CANADIAN CHAMPION OF

ROCK, PAPER, BALL.

MARK.

>> HEY, DANIEL, THANKS FOR

HAVING ME.

YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PILLOW CASE,

RIGHT

>> YUP, I'M GETTING IT ON RIGHT

NOW

>> OH. BACK 'EM AND TAG 'EM,

BOYS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

SHOE. I WIN. STAKES A LITTLE

HIGHER THAN THE NATIONAL

VERSION.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER,

FEEL FREE TO BORROW YOUR

PARENTS'S GUN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER.

>> IF YOU'RE AT HOME, THINKING

THIS EPISODE SEEMS MORE

SOPHISTICATED, YOU'RE NOT WRONG.

I'M WEARING A GODDAMN MASCOT.

OH. ARE YOU GONNA KEEP GOING

UNTIL YOU BREAK SOMETHING,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THE GREAT

BREAK DANCER YOU THINK YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GONNA DESTROY YOUR BODY

BEFORE YOU GET UP TO THOSE

LITTLE ASIAN'S LEVEL

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I RESPECT

MORE, HER PARENTING OR HER

RACISM.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN

LIVE CHAT.

DURING THE SHOWS.

TOSH .COM DEECENTRAL.COM.

TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY

NEW STAND UP TOUR.

A LOT OF PEOPLE, ASK HERE'S

DANIEL, WHAT FEMALE CELEBRITY

OVER 40 WOULD HAVE YOU SEX WITH?

I'M TIRED OF HEARING IT, SO I'M

GOING TO SET THE RECORD

STRAIGHT.

GOLDIE HAHN.

67.

I'M A GOLDIE UP AND DOWN THE

FIELD OVER KATE HUDSON.

THAT BEING SAID, NO CHANCE.

TINA FEY.

THANKS WOULD BE INTIMDATING TO

ME.

TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO THINKS

SHE'S FUNNYER THAN I AM.

SO NO.

GWEN STEFANY.

LUCY LU, YOU'RE IN MY WHEELHOUSE

WHEELHOUSE.

BUT I'M I'M GOING TO GO WITH AN

ASIAN.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH A REALLY,

REALLY YOUNG ONE.

LIKE, INTERNATIONAL WATERS YOUNG

YOUNG.

SANDRA BULLOCK.

OH. AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.

NO.

ANNETTE BENNING.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

THAT IS INTERESTING.

YEAH.

THAT'S A HUGE NO.

QUEEN LATIFAH.

THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO.

WOULD IT BE CONSIDERED SEX IF I

HAVE TO WEAR FOUR CONDOM ALL

RIGHT.

NO.

VAPORA JESSICA PARKER, 46.

EVERYWHERE TELLS ME SHE HAS A

GREAT BODY.

SHE LIKES LIKE SHE'S HIT THE

WALL, THEN KEPT RUNNING INTO IT

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

SHARON STOP.

A I'M GONNA SAY THIS ON

TELEVISION.

I HATE THIS WOMAN.

I HATE, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT

HER.

I HATE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR, I

DISAGREE WITH EVERY VIEW SHE'S

EVER HAD WITH THAT BEING SAID,

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD

PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH HER. BUT

NO.

BROOK BURK.

NO.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO SHARON

STONE.

IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE, YOU SAID

YOU WOULD -- I DON'T THINK I

WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER.

SHARON STONE, IS BACK TO A NO

AND BROOK, YOU'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE

A NO.

QUEEN ELIZABETH.

THAT ONE'S INTERESTING.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR THE

CONVERSATION DID YOU HEAR WHO

DANIEL [BLEEP]?

NO.

WHO?

QUEEN E LIZ BEG.

>> REALLY

>> YUP.

[BLEEP] QUEEN ELIZABETH

>> WERE THEY DATING?

>> DON'T KNOW. I THINK WHAT WE

HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS BIT IS

THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH

ANY WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF 40.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO

FREAK OUT.

OKAY?

DON'T NEIL BAD LIKE, OH. WHAT

CAN I DO?

NOTHING. I'M PRETTY SURE I

WOULDN'T THE SLEEP WITH ANYONE

OVER THE AGE OF 30.

COUNTRY.

THAT'S A FACT.

OR ANY WOMAN.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHEN I WAS AT 16, S SHANNON

MOORY, BELANI.

INDIAN.

GAVE ME HER CAR FOR THE SUMMER.

IT WAS EVER COOL?

MAYBE NOT.