Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

*

>> THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH

CHALK OUTLINE TO DRAW.

WELCOME TO TOSH.O.

HAPPY VALENTIN'S DAY.

IT'S MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, ALL

THE WOMEN I'M DATING HAVE TO

SPEND THE DAY WITH THEIR

BOYFRIENDS.

YES THIS IS ZENGA, HIGH FASHION.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I HELP A

COUPLE RENEW THEIR VOWS.

I USE A PENIS BUMP EVEN THOUGH

YOU AND I KNOW WE DON'T NEED ONE

AND YOU HELP ME WRITE MY WILL.

NOW CAN WE WATCH ONE OF THE MORE

BEAUTIFUL SUICIDE ATTEMPTS WILL

YOU EVER SEE.

GOOD FORM.

NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.

ALL OF HIS INTERNAL ORGANS BROKE

HIS FALL.

ONLY THREE MORE FLOORS TO THE

LOBBY.

>> THIS GUY IS WAY MORE FUN THAN

A SLINKY.

HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE HOMELESS FOR

A REASON, THEY'RE NOT GOOD AT

ANYTHING.

>> THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR

WEARING HIS PANTS LIKE A

HIPSTER.

ON THE UPSIDE THAT'S HIS FIRST

BAT IN WEEKS.

AT LEAST HE WILL FINALLY HAVE

SOMETHING TO SHARE AT AA.

THERE IS NOT A HUGE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THAT AND THE GREATEST

SKIM BORDER IN THE WORLD.

UNLIKE THIS NEXT PERVERT I KEEP

MY CELERY IN THE CRISPER.

>> AND THAT'S WHY YOU WASH YOUR

VEGETABLES BEFORE YOU EAT THEM.

IF THAT CHIMP WERE ON HER PERIOD

YOU WOULD HAVE ALL THE

INGREDIENTS FOR A BROODY MARI.

I THOUGHT THIS SAL I DID TASTED

LIKE MONKEY [BEEP] WAS JUST A

EXPRESSION.

KIDS YOU'RE GOING TO DO DRUGS,

WE KNOW THAT.

IT'S PART OF LIFE.

PLEASE, HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY

NOT TO STEAL THEM FROM YOUR

DEALER.

>> I HAVE THE MONEY RIGHT HERE.

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

>> I TRIED THE SAME THING AT

SONIC ONCE.

THE GUY HUNG ON FOR THREE BLOCKS

BEFORE I PELTED HIM WITH A

CHERRY LIMEAID.

HE'S TAKING FOOD OUT OF A HONEST

DRUG DEALER'S HOW THE.

THEN I FEEL BAD FOR THE WHITE

KID.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DRIVE AND HAVE

SOMEONE HANEING ONTO YOUR CAR

LIKE YOU [BEEP] UP.

LIKE I HAVE BEEN A CRIMINAL FOR

A LONG TIME.

I STILL LIKE THE WHITE GUY'S

CHANCES IN COURT.

BY THE WAY THEY ACTUALLY BECAME

REALLY GOOD FRIENDS AND TO THIS

DAY LAUGH ABOUT IT I'M KIDDING.

HE KILLED HIM.

NOW HIS NEXT DUMB DECISION.

IF YOU COULDN'T OUT RUN THE

BLACK GUY IN A CAR WHAT MAKES

YOU THINK YOU YOU CAN DO IT ON

FOOT.

>> YOU SUCK.

>> WAY TO KEEP A COOL HEAD.

>> EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE THE

DRUG DEALER HUNG ONTO YOUR CAR

AND YOU WRECKED A TREE.

LET'S GET HOME AND UP LOAD THIS

TO THE INTERNET.

>> NOW ONLY IF THERE WAS AN

EASIER WAY TO GET WEED.

BECAUSE WEED IS REALLY EASY TO

GET.

WHY GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS --

THE NEXT VIDEO ISN'T THE ONE I

WANTED TO SHOW YOU.

COMEDY CENTRAL HAD MAJOR

CONCERNS WITH IT.

INSTEAD WE'RE GOING TO AIR A KID

FARTING FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT COMEDY CENTRAL.

THAT WAS A LOT SAFER.

THE ONLY ONE OFFENDED BY THE

VIDEO WAS ME.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> LOOKS LIKE THESE TWO ARE

TAKING THEIR AFRICAN-AMERICAN

STUDIES A LITTLE TOO SERIOUS LY

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT IS SO FUNNY

ABOUT THAT HATE CRIME IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

I'M ALL FOR INNER RACIAL HORSE

PLAY.

NO GOOD CAN COME OF WHITE PEOPLE

PINNING YOU DOWN.

YOU USUALLY END UP WORKING FOR

FREE SOMEWHERE.

TICKLE TORTURE VIOLATES THE

AGAIN EVEN A CONVENTION BUT IT'S

WAY BETTER THAN BEING DRAGGED

BEHIND A PICKUP TRUCK.

WHY IS THAT GUY WORKING THE

NECK?

THE NECK IS NOT A TICKLE ZONE.

>> GREAT YOU JUST KILLED YOUR

ONE BLACK FRIEND.

CLIPD, YOU DON'T NEED NIGHT

STICKS TO GET THEM TO CALM DOWN.

BY "THEM" I MEAN CRIMINALS.

BLACK PEOPLE.

THAT IS THE UP SIDE OF BEING

BLACK.

WHEN YOU PASS OUT NOBODY DRAWS

DONGS ON YOUR FACE UNLESS THEY

HAVE WHITEOUT.

>> SORRY.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO PLAY

SMELL MY FINGER.

CHECK HIS POCKETS, I'M MISSING A

20.

AT LEAST FIND OUT IF THEY DO

HAVE THE EXTRA BONE IN THEIR

TOOT.

FOOT.

>> NO HE WILL SHOOT OPEN --

>> HE'S ALIVE, QUICK TICKLE HIM

AGAIN.

I'M JUST GLAD SOMEONE WAS THERE

TO CAPTURE THIS IMPORTANT MOMENT

IN BLACK HISTORY.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE WEDDING

REDEMPTION BUT FIRST I HOPE HE

DOESN'T EAT THAT.

>> READY.

>> GREAT.

BREATH.

>> SORRY.

>> BREATH.

BREATH.

>> OH.

OH MY GOD.

OH, BREATH.

>> OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BARF.

>> THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BIG

THINGS, IT'S NEVER BEING TOO OLD

TO HOLD HANDS.

(THUNDER )

>> WE WILL DO THE CEREMONY NOW.

>> JENNIFER AND GUSTAVO TODAY

WILL JOIN SEPARATE LIVES

TOGETHER.

THE TWO BOTTLES SYMBOLIZE YOUR

SEPARATE LIVES, SEPARATE

FAMILIES AND SEPARATE SETS OF

FRIENDS.

MAKE THIS QUICK, OKAY.

BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME IN

THE STATE OF ARIZONA.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND

WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

>> HE WILL LITERALLY HAVE TO

KNOCK THE DUST OFF HER [BEEP] IN

THE HONEYMOON SWEET.

THEIR MARRIAGE WAS RUINED BY A

SANDSTORM PROVES GOD HATES IT

WHEN WHITE GIRLS MARRY MEXICANS.

YOUR SPECIAL DAY IS MY SATURDAY.

MY SPECIAL DAY TOO. THE ONLY

WEDDING THERE IS A CHANCE OF ME

GOING TOO IS MY OWN AND I STILL

MAY SEND A GIFT.

CREDIT PEOPLE ELOPE.

-- ONLY BECAUSE THE DRESS WAS

SUPER SLUTTY AND SHE HAD THE

DECENCY TO DIE AFTER THE

RECEPTION.

WEDDING ARE WALL TO WALL STUPID

PREDICTION.

THROWING RICE IS ONLY

APPROPRIATE WHEN TWO ASIANS GET

MARRIED.

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF FLOWERS

BUT NOTHING MASKS THE STENCH OF

SETTLING.

THAT HAPPY COUPLE WANTED TO

PROCLAIM THEIR LOVE TO THE WORLD

WHEN MOTHER NATURE REJECTED.

SO I GAVE THEM THE CHANCE TO

RENEW THEIR VOWS IN HOLLYWOOD.

>> GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST

HONEYMOON EVER.

>> THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE BEEN

IN A HOT TUB WITH ANOTHER MAN?

>> YES.

>> YES.

>> IT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT.

>> NO.

>> JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

>> WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO GET

MARRIED IN THE ARIZONA DESSERT?

>> BOAT OF OURS, YES.

>> YES.

>> IT'S ARIZONA IT RARELY RAINS.

DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THE WEDDING AND

THE STORM.

>> SUPPOSE TO HAVE RAIN THAT

DAY.

STARTED IN PROCESSION TO THE

WEDDING.

THE JUDGE DID HIS THING.

I LOOKED UP AND THAT DUST STORM

WAS ON US.

>> DID IT RUIN EVERYTHING?

>> THE RECEPTION WAS INSIDE.

SO, IT WAS JUST THE OUTSIDE FOR

THE CEREMONY.

>> DID IT MAKE YOU CRY?

>> NO.

>> MY GUEST WAS YOU LOST YOUR

MIND.

>> IT WAS FUN AOEFRPLT.

>> ARE YOU LEGALLY MARRIED?

>> YES.

>> YES.

>> IT SEEMS LIKE HE HURRIED UP

AND SKIPPED QUITE A BIT.

>> IT SEEMED THAT WAY.

>> WHAT IS A HABUBE.

>> A BIG WALL OF DUST.

>> DOES IT HAPPEN OFTEN.

>> A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR.

>> COULD YOU BREATH IN IT.

>> I WAS FACING IT.

YOU WERE PELTED WITH DIRT.

>> IT S. IT BAD LUCK FOR A

WEDDING?

>> COULDN'T TELL YOU.

>> I THINK IT IS.

>> RAIN IS GOOD LUCK.

>> GOD IS THROWING TONS AND TONS

OF DIRT ON YOUR WHITE DRESS IS

NOT GOOD LUCK.

>> BE HONEST YOU HAD SECOND

THOUGHTS DURING THE WEDDING,

YES.

>> NO.

>> NO.

>> SUCH A SERIOUS DAY.

YOUR CHAOS IS GOING ON.

>> ARE YOU MEXICAN.

>> NO.

>> ARE YOU MEXICAN STPHEUFRPBLS

YES.

>> ARE YOU THINKING OF

CONVERTING TO MECHANICS ANISM?

>> NO.

>> YOU WILL NOT.

>> NO.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO RAISE YOUR

CHILDREN MEXICAN.

>> I'M SURE THEY WILL HAVE SOME

LATINO VIBE IN THEM.

>> MIXED CHILDREN ARE THE BEST

LOOKING KIDS.

>> WE DO HAVE ONE SHE'S VERY

PRETTY.

>> BABY.

>> YES.

>> JENNI WAS PREGNANT.

>> PREGNANT AT THE WEDDING?

>> I WAS PREGNANT AT THE

WEDDING.

>> YOU ARE PART MEXICAN.

>> I AM NOW I HAD ONE.

>> IS IT POSSIBLE GOD SENT THE

SAND STORM BECAUSE YOU WERE

PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK.

>> I HOPE NOT.

>> DID YOU PROPOSE DURING

KATRINA?

>> NO.

>> EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE IDIOTS

FORGETTING MARRIED IN THE

ARIZONA DESERTS YOU DESERVE A

MAKEUP ONE IN A CHURCH.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, WILL

YOU LET ME MARRY YOU.

>> YES.

>> OKAY.

>> GET DRUNK.

>> IS THIS THE TRADITIONAL

BRIDAL MUSIC?

>> YES.

>> SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR HER

FAMILY.

>> I DON'T THINK THEY SUPPORT

THIS.

>> OH, BLOOD.

AHHH!

FROGS!

THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

GOD IS SENDING PLAGUES.

JENNIFER DO YOU TAKE GUS TO

DEATH DO YOU PART.

WE HAVE LIVES.

THAT'S THREE.

USE THESE AND SAY I DO.

>> I DO.

>> OH, FLIES.

THERE IS A BIG ONE, SORRY.

GUSTAVO.

>> BREATH FOR HIM LATER.

GUS, DO YOU TAKE JENNIFER TO BE

YOUR WIFE UNTIL DEATH DO YOU

PART.

>> YES.

>> OKAY THAT'S JUST A BOYLE.

PROACTIVE SHOULD CLEAR THAT UP,

GUS.

>> I DO.

>> MAN.

HAIL.

LET'S RIDE THIS ONE OUT UNTIL

LOCUS.

PUT THESE ON EACH OTHER BY THE

POWER VESTED IN ME I PRONOUNCE

YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

>> GUS, THAT'S MY PENIS.

THAT'S NINE PLAGUES THERE SHOULD

BE ONE MORE.

>> AHHH!

>> IMMIGRATION IS THE TENTH

PLAYING.

>> YES, LOOKS THAT WAY.

NOW LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR HOTEL

ROOM AND USE THAT BATH.

>> I GOT THAT SWEET HAT AT LIDS.

YOU WOULD BE SHOCKED HOW MUCH

CHILD PORN YOU CAN HIDE IN THOSE

THINGS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

I'M SURE THE BIG GIRL IS SAVING

IT FOR STATE.

>> WHY DIDN'T SHE GO?

>> HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE

BATHMATE INTRODUCTION VIDEO.

THE BATHMATE WORKS BY FORCING

BLOOD INTO THE SPOPB GEE TISSUE

IN YOUR PENIS.

THIS MEANS WHEN YOU HAVE AN

ERECTION YOUR PENIS WILL BE

LONGER, THICKER AND MORE STAPL

THAT.

THINK OF IT AS YOUR PERSONAL

PENIS EXERCISE TOOL.

>> MOST OF OUR CUSTOMERS LIKE TO

INCORPORATE THE BATHMATE

EXPERIENCE WITH THEIR HYGIENE.

ONE, SHOWER FOR A WHILE.

TWO, PLACE YOUR PENIS IN THE

UNIT AND PUMP A FEW TIMES.

THREE, WITH REGULAR INTERVALS

CREATE MORE PRESSURE BY PUMPING

THE BATHMATE.

FOR BEGINNERS TAKE IT SLOW.

JUST AS AT THE GYM YOU WOULDN'T

PICK UP 200-KILO WEIGHTS RIGHT

AWAY.

AFTER 15-20 MINUTES PRESS THE

RELEASE VALVE.

>> HOW IS THAT NOT FRONT PAIGE

NEWS?

WE HAVE CURED SMALL [BEEP]

DISEASE.

I WILL BE HONEST I LIKE HOW MY

PENIS LOOKS FLACCID.

WHEN IT GETS ERECT IT LEAVES

SOMETHING TO BE DESIRE.

I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO

INCORPORATE THE BATHMATE INTO MY

REGULAR WORKOUT ROUTINE.

>> THAT'S THREE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> FOCUS ON LOWER BODY NOW.

>> YOU'RE KILLING ME.

>> ALRIGHT.

>> OH, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

>> WIPE IT DOWN.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO COMMON

COURTESY.

>> OH, GOOD.

GOOD.

FEEL THE BURN.

THAT'S GOOD.

>> IMAGINE HOW GOOD IT'S GOING

TO FEEL RUNNING AROUND WITH THAT

HUGE [BEEP] BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS.

DON'T PUSS OUT ON ME.

ONE MORE.

>> ALRIGHT I'LL SPOT YOU.

>> OH.

OH ...

>> I PRAY THAT THING IS

DISHWASHER SAFE.

DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER

VIDEO.

THIS IS FROM DILLON SAILOR AND

ANTHONY ROMANO.

>> I HAVE SEEN THAT VIDEO TEN

TIMES AND I ALWAYS FORGET HOW IT

ENDS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

IN SO MANY KNEE YACK WITH DAVE

VITEL.

*

>> WELCOME BACK, ALL MY

VALENTINS.

IF YOU'RE HOME ALONE TONIGHT

CREDIT THAT A WIN.

NEXT WEEK THE 14-YEAR-OLD WHO

DROVE HIS DAD'S MUSTANG GETS A

WEBB REDEMPTION.

>> OH MY GOD!

>> PASS ME THE KEYS.

>> WHOA.

>> WHOLLY [BEEP].

>> I ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR HOUSE

BETTER NOW.

IT'S MORE OF A OPEN CONCEPT THAT

FLOWS BETTER INTO THE KITCHEN.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE

CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR SHOW ON-LINE.

EVERY DAY WHEN I COME TO WORK

HERE I THINK ABOUT THE SWEET

POSSIBILITY I MIGHT DIE.

SINCE I HAVE NEVER BEEN VERY

FOND OF MY FAMILY I DECIDED TO

DO THE RESPONSIBLE THINGS BY

GETTING MY AFFAIRS IN ORDER AND

LET YOU MY FANS WRITE MY WILL.

HERE IS HOW I STARTED IT.

PLEASE, BECOME PASSIONATE WHEN

YOU WRITE MY WILL.

I BE KWAOEGT MY DILDO COLLECTION

TO MY OWN BUTTHOLE.

I WILL KNOW WITHIN THREE HOURS I

RECEIVED CLOSE TO 3000 TO 4000

REFERENCES OF WHAT I WOULD DO

WITH MY DILDOS, ETCETERA,

ETCETERA, WE CHOSE THIS BECAUSE

IT WAS THE FIRST ONE TO COME IN

UNDER 8 SECONDS.

I GIVE FORTH MY FIVE GROW HOUSES

ACROSS THE UNITED STATES TO

THOSE LITTLE KIDS IN AFRICA

SMOKING ON SWAG.

DONATE MY BODY TO ANY GAY

SCIENCE.

I DONATE EVER TO THE PATRICK

SWAYZE FOUNDATION.

WHAT IS HALF OF NOTHING?

LEAVE THAT TO MY MOM.

MY TELEVISION SHOW WILL GO TO

CHRIS ROCK.

HIS FIVE MINUTE GUESS SPOT HAD

BETTER RATINGS THAN MY FIRST TWO

SEASONS COMBINED.

WAFFLES, WAFFLES, CRISPY GOLDEN

WAFFLES WILL BE STUFFED AND

BURNED.

GO MY SEMEN SAMPLES TO BEN AND

JERRY'S.

I KNOW A SCHOOL TEACH WHORE

WOULD LOVE THAT FLAVOR.

I DO, DO I.

HE WAS MY TEACHER, TOTALLY

MISUNDERSTAND.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, SOMETHING RACE

IS, HIGH FASHION.

I BE KWAOEGT MY SCARF COLLECTION

TO NORV TURNER TO COVER THE

GROWTH SCROTUM NECK.

YOU THINK HE WAS AT HOME GOING,

I WILL GET A SHOT.

I GIVE UP ON WILL WRYING THIS

[BEEP] IS TOO HARD.

I LEAVE NOTHING TO NOBODY.

BURY MY [BEEP] WITH ME.

IF YOU WANT NICE THINGS GET YOUR

OWN.

DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO DIE.

I'M GETTING THAT NOTARIZED THIS

WEEK.

OKAY.

SHOWER ME WITH YOUR LOVE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> GUS DOES YOUR FAMILY ACCEPT

JENNIFER?

>> YES, YES THEY TKOFRPLT.

>> HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

>> THEY ACCEPT HIM.

>> YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY?

>> THEY ACCEPT HIM BUT I HAVE