Original subtitles

COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE

THE EXPERIENCES PERFORMED.

AND DOES NOT ENCOURAGE THEM,

ENJOY.

>> **

[CHEERS]

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[CHEERS]

NO NO.

[CHEERS]

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[CHEERS]

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[CHEERS]

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[CHEERS]

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>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A

MOOSE TRIES TO RIDE A BULL.

I'M NOT A FASHION ICON, JUST A

SIMPLE TASTE MAKER.

THE DUMBER I LOOK, THE MORE

EXPENSIVE IT IS.

THIS VEST IS STUFFED WITH BABY

PENGUIN FEATHERS.

>> TONIGHT, THE ARTISTS, AND, WE

SAY GOODBYE TO FOOTBALL.

NOW, GO BACK AND WATCH THAT

WOMAN RIDE THE DANGEROUS MAY A

JER FOR YOUR WHO WHO.

[CHEERS]

.

>> WHAT'S, AIN'T THAT SOME

MECHANICAL PLEEP BLOAP.

>> WELL THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS FOR

IGNORING YOU MUST TO ATTRACTIVE

TO RIDE.

I'M NOT WEARING GOGGLES.

STILL HIGH FASHION.

HERE'S A SIGN YOU'RE READY FOR

THE SEX TALK.

>> **

>> **

>> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT WAS

GOING ON IN EVERY LATINO

APARTMENT.

>> EVERY BOY GOES THROUGH A

PHASE WHERE HE GYRATES HIS

FAMILY.

IF GRANDMA DIDN'T WANT TO BE SEE

DEFEND.

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE WORN HER BLOAP

BLOAP MUHAMMAD ALI.

>> COME ON, THIS IS -- I START,

AND FINISH ON GRANDMA.

>> YOU CAN TESTIFY WHILE YOU

DRIVE BUT, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO

FILM YOUR WIFE GIVING BIRTH TO A

BABY.

>> HEY, VAGINA GOT CAR SICK.

THAT PURPLE THING DIDN'T CALL

SHOTGUN.

AND THAT'S WHY I NEVER PICK UP

HITCHHIKERS.

>> YOU CAN TELL THAT SHE'LL BE

AN EXCELLENT MOTHER.

>> THERE'S A REST STOP IN TWO

MILES, WHERE YOU CAN FLUFF HIM.

>> TRUE POT HEADS, WILL SMOKE

ANYTIME AND, OUT OF ANYTHING.

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>> ** I'M GOING TO GET YOU HIGH.

>> WELL, PUFF FAST.

>> AND THAT'S A GOOD WAY, AND

GET YOU OMEGA FEES.

>> AND I TURNED HER OFFICE, INTO

AN ASWEAR REYOU MEAN.

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>> ** DO YOU HEAR THAT MUSIC?

>> SHOOT.

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>> BUT, WE SHARP, TONIGHT, BOYS.

>> GOOD SHOT.

>> THAT WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO

BUY HIS RAID HE I DON'T

CONTROLLED FISH.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT KEEPS YOUR

STAFF ON THEIR TOES.

>> WHO WANTS TO SEE A GUY BUST A

NUT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, NO.

>> WHAT KIND OF MAGICAL

SWEATPANTS HAVE A FLY.

[CHEERS]

**

[CHEERS]

**

>> OH, NO.

>> THAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU

MAKE YOUR TRAPS WITH THE LONDON

CHEESE.

OR YOU CAN SEE THIS BECAUSE OF

THE PLUR, AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE

HOW TAUGHT AND SHAVED HIS ESCROW

TUM IS.

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

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>> TALK ABOUT THE BEST SEAT IN

THE HOUSE, LET'S RAMP UP TO THIS

BREAKDOWN.

>> **

[CHEERS]

**

[CHEERS]

**

>> THAT IS ARCHITECTURE, IN HELL

HELSINKI CONCERT.

HOW DID THEY TRICK THOSE PEOPLE,

TO BUY A TICKET?

>> MY LEGS DON'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHEELS IN THE PIT.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE

THOSE PENCE FOR THE CRIPPLED?

>> I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO,

LEGALLY.

>> AND JUDGING BY THE FED DOE

RAR, AND, I WOULD KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I DON'T THINK THAT STAGE DIVE

WAS PLANNED.

AND YOU GUYS ARE TOP-HEAVY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU VUF BEEN STRAPPED IN, NOT

WEARING A SEATBELT IS HOW HE GOT

HIMSELF IN A MESS IN THE FIRST

PLACE.

>> STILL HOLDING UP A CHAIR,

AND, TRYING TO STEP ON HIS

FINGERS AND, YOU CAN STILL TEAL

THOSE, AND, PROBABLY CRAWLING

INTO A CONCESSION STAND, AND,

THEY'RE DOING A BENEFIT, THANK

YOU.

[CHEERS]

.

>> WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE ART

TEACHER, AND COVER YOUR EARS,

AND, THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE

WORLD'S LOUDEST SCREAM MER.

>> THIS IS ROGER, IN CANADA, WHO

I THINK IS THE LOUDEST SCREAM

MER.

GO AHEAD.

SCREAM SCREAM.

>> IF THAT'S NOT THE LOUDEST

SCREAM THAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT

IS.

>> ONE MORE TIME.

**

>> HOW TO DRAW AN A ANT, GIVE IT

ANTENNAS,.

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE

THAT.

FOR A CARTOON, STINGRAY.

AND MAKE A LITTLE TAIL.

AND, GIVE IT TO EYE'S TOP AND

THOSE ARE TWO MORE SEA CRE E

CREATURES TO ADD.

FIRST PART, IS JUST THE BODIES,

JUST SHAPED LIKE THAT.

TAIL OR WHATEVER THE HELICOPTER

CALL IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S IT.

>> PROPELLER.

>> IT'S MOVING VERY FAST, AND

MAKES A LOT OF MOTION LINES.

YEAH, AND THERE WE HAVE IT.

>> THE MARTIN'S ACT HAS GOTTEN

FUNNY.

>> HE'S LEFT-HANDED AND DOESN'T

KNOW IT.

>> WHY DOES PAINTING STILL

EXIST?

>> I REMEMBER WHAT MY

GIRLFRIEND'S TITS, LOOK LYING.

AND, THE PARTY IS A SCAM.

IT'S A PICTURE OF A FAT CHICK

THAT HIS FRIEND CARL BROUGHT

HOME FROM A BAR.

>> ANDY WAR HOLE BECAME A STAR,

AND I'M A PROGRESS SO MAN.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT

ART AND, SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED

TO GLANCE ALONG WITH THE

CAREERS, AND, PLASTIC SURGEON

THAT MAKES HER APPEAR SEM ME

BANGABLE.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT ART.

BUT, INSTEAD OF TELLING MAT TO

GET A JOB, WHAT BROUGHT HIM TO

L.A.

WHERE EVERYONE IS AN ARAT THIS

TIME.

[CHEERS]

.

[CHEERS]

.

>> WE WANT TO MAKE THIS.

A LITTLE MORE DOE PRESSING.

WHAT BETTER WAY DO THAT, A LOT

OF PEOPLE WERE HUNG IN THIS

TREE, AND, A LOT OF HATE.

LOOK AT THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> MAKE THAT TREE, NICE IS SAD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> PUT A LITTLE BARRED UP THERE.

>> MIGHT BE A PELICAN WILL.

>> THAT'S NOT A FAD BIRD.

WE'LL PUT A DEAD BIRD.

WHAT THE BLEEP BLOAP, AND YOU'RE

SNEAKING UP ON AN ARTEST.

ARE YOU AN ARTIST?

>> YES.

>> PROFESSIONALLY TRAIN.

HE NO.

>> SO YOU'RE NEVER BEEN TO ART

SCHOOLS.

NO.

>> WHAT IS ART?

>> ANYTHING THAT SOMEBODY FINES

PLEASING AS ART TO THEM.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS AND

WEAKNESSES?

>> I CAN MAKE ANYTHING LOOK

GOOD, AND, MY WEAKNESS IS

HELICOPTERS.

>> PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THOSE

VIDEOS WERE?

>> I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A COUPLE

OF BUCKS AND, MAKE AS MANY FAST

CLIPS AND, ANYBODY CAN BE AN

ARTIST.

>> HE CAN'T DRAW AT ALL AND I

NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DRAW.

>> I WAS PROBABLY THINKING OF

YOU, AND, I WAS MILDLY

IMPRESSED.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> WHAT GOT YOU INTERESTED IN

ART?

>> MY DAD AN ART TEACHER.

>> OH, MY GOOD INNINGS.

>> BEING THAT HE WASMENT TO

TEACH, I THINK HE WOULD FINAL TO

BE ACCEPTABLE.

>> HOMOSEXUALLY, IS RAMPANT IN

THE COMMUNITY.

>> WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE?

>> I LIKE CLAY AND, DID YOU EVER

TAKE CERAMICS?

>> I MAKE VASES, BOWLS, COMES,

AND.

>> BONGS?

>> NO.

NO BONGS.

SOME PEOPLE WILL USE IT, BUT IT

IS LIKE HAVING A KICK PEDAL FOR

YOUR COFFEE MAKER MANY.

>> I DON'T THINK THERE WAS EVER

ONE.

>> THANK YOU FOR CHANGE THAT GO.

>> BUT IT IS CLEAR TO HE MONTH,

THAT YOU ARE A TALENTED ARTEST,

AND TONIGHT, WOULD HAVE A

GALLERY OPENING.

>> REALLY?

>> I HOPE YOU HAVE SOMETHING

NICER TO WEAR.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> THANK YOU FOR COMING.

>> AND A FEW PERSPECTIVE BUYERS.

AND, SOME WINE.

THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

>> SO, YOU'RE ADMIRING A GOOD

ONE.

>> IT'S CALLED JESSICA SIMPSON.

I COULD NOT THINK AFTER MORE

ACCURATE PORTRAYAL.

ENJOY.

[CHEERS]

THIS ONE IS THE WORD ART, ART.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS?

>> THE COMMENTARY AND THE MASS

TRANSIT.

>> LET'S TAKE A BUS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU CALLED THIS ONE,

SEPTEMBER 10TH, BECAUSE WE WERE

ALL SO INNOCENT THAT DAY.

>> THIS ARTIST IS UP IS SAYSED WITH

JESSICA'S OBESE ATY.

>> I HAVE THEM ALL LUBED UP, AND

NOW, SHOW THEM WHAT YOU ARE

CAPABLE OF?

>> LET'S DO THIS.

>> OKAY.

>> ATTENTION, I GIVE YOU MATT.

[CHEERS]

.

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>> GOOD LUCK ON THIS, KID.

[APPLAUSE]

>> I'M GOING TO START THE

BIDDING AT 100,000.

I'M GOING TO TAKE 50.

WE'LL GO TO PLAN B.

>> **

>> **

>> **

[APPLAUSE]

>> THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT

ART OPENINGS.

HOW HORNY THEY MAKE ME.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT THIS

GUY WAS DEALT AN AMAZING HAND.

>> **

>> **

[LAUGHTER]

SHIEWSES ARE MY FAVORITE, AND

TODAY, IS MY VERY LONG BOWL,

UNTIL ABORTION ENDS.

>> I'M GOING TO GIVE UP DPREJ

FRIES.

>> I WILL NOT KILL MY NETFLIX.

>> AND, SMALL, GO, BUT WOULD HE

HATE ABORTION, SO, I AM GIVING

UP MY I-POD AND, ALL PORTABLE

PLAYERS.

>> I TELL YOU ANOTHER THING,

THEY GAVE UP, BEING FUN TO HANG

OUT WITH.

>> I'M A HUGE, HUGE FAN OF

ABORTION.

I LOVE IT.

>> IF ONLY FOR THE REASON THAT

IT CREATES JOBS AND, I WOULD BE

RAISING 15 KIDS, AND RANDOM WEST

CITIES.

>> I RESPECT THE OTHER SIDE, I

DON'T BELIEVE THAT GIRL IS GOING

TO GIVE UP, LIFTING HER I-POD.

>> HELLO, GOOD TO BE HERE.

>> HOW MANY ABORTIONS HAVE YOU

HAD?

>> I HAVE HAD ZERO.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T

LIKE IT?

>> I KNOW IT'S A TRAUMATIC

EXPERIENCE.

>> WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?

>> I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

>> SAY IT.

>> WHAT IF YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU,

THAT YOUR BABY WOULD BE UGLY.

>> I LOVE UGLY PEOPLE.

>> ARE YOU AGAINST IT, WHEN

PEOPLE ARE REQUIRED TO ABORT A

MISSION.

>> COMPLETELY UNRELATED.

>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I PUT

IT.

>> PROBABLY, IN ONE OF THOSE

DRAWERS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT KIND OF M.P.3 PLAYER DO

YOU HAVE?

>> IT WAS AN I-POD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> FIND THAT, AND THEN YOUR

STAMP ON ABORTION.

>> HOW LONG DO YOU KEEP THIS UP?

>> IT WILL NEVER BE ILLEGAL TO

ABORT A CHILD IN CALIFORNIA.

>> I BELIEVE THAT IT WILL BE

ILLEGAL.

WE'RE A PRO-LIFE COUNTRY, AND, I

THINK, WHEN I-PODS WILL CARRY

IT.

>> WHAT HAS ABORTION EVER DONE

TO YOU?

>> WELL, ONE OF MY SISTERS WAS

ABORED.

>> WERE YOU CLOSE?

>> I'M KIDDING.

>> IT'S A COMEDY SHOW BUT IT'S A

SERIOUS TOPIC.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY NORMAL

FRIENDS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> JOSEPH.

HE'S MY FRIEND.

>> HEY.

>> THEY MADE, ABORTION.

>> SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOR

MA'AM FRIENDS.

>> DIET COKE AND I GAVE UP COCA

COLA.

>> IT WASN'T FUN IF YOU SAID

COKE ZERO.

>> YOU SAID GIVE SOMETHING UP.

>> TOO LATE, I ALREADY HAVE.

LET'S SHOW MY VIDEO.

DANIEL HERE, I KNOW I'M KNOWN

FOR CLOWNING AROUND.

BUT, I WOULD LIKE TO GET SERIES.

UNTIL ABORTION ENDS I PLAN ON

GIVING UP MY FREQUENT ABORTION

CARD AND, I'M TWO ABORTIONS

AWAY, FROM GETTING A FREE

AWORKING.

SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY MANY.

>> DO YOU MIND TAKING THIS.

>> I GET DOUBLE STAMPED FOR LATE

TERM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT

ABORTION.

I CANNOT RECOMMEND MULLIGANS,

TELL THEM ROSA SENT YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HIGH FASHION.

NEXT WEEK WE CELEBRATE

VALENTINE'S DAY, BY GIVING A

WEDDING RECOMESTION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU DIDN'T SEE WHERE THE

SCORPION SHOWED UP.

AND, VEGAS, AND, MIRAGE, AND,

TICKETS ARE ON SALE.

AND I STILL HAVEN'T WATCHED

WATCHED THE SUPER BOWL.

AND, THEY FLEW TO THE BIGGEST

GAME.

AND, ELI'S HORSE WAS THERE, AND,

SECURITY DROPPED THE BALL WHEN

SOME HIDEOUS WOMAN, WHO STARTS,

IT, AND, DON'T SAY YOU WATCH FOR

THE COMMERCIALS.

AND YOU SHUSH ME TO HEAR WHAT

THE PLANTERS PEANUT TO SAY.

>> CONGRATS ON THE GIANTS, COULD

NOT BEAT THE REDSKINS WAS THE

BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> TRULY AN INSPIRATION.

HE PROVED REALLY HARD, AND YOUR

OLDER BROTHER, BREAKS HIS NECK.

YOU CAN SUCCEED.

>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK, AT

THE EYES OF THE MOST PASSIONATE

AND EMBARRASSING FANS.

>> **

[CHEERS]

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>> **

[LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

OKAY.

>> VISIT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I HATE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, BAD.

OH, NO.

>> NO, NO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, BOY.

>> AND, GET [BLEEP] OUT OF MY

HOUSE.

AND I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO HEAR

ANYTHING FROM ANY OF YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> **

>> THE PLAYOFFS.

>> **

>> **

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>> WHOA!

**

>> ** CHOU!

**

>> **

>> **

>> WHOA!

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>> ** THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR,

GOODNIGHT, MAYAN GENCE.

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